You’ll recall that I’ve written in the past about the different things that black women have a right to. For example: self-respect, pride and boundaries. These are aspects of life that some of us take for granted as being utterly normal and rational. Because not every black girl and woman understands these rights. These very basic NEEDS that all human beings in today’s world should be able to have.
“Black women deserve better” is correct. Everyone deserves the ability to aspire to and want better. To be better, the very best they can be. Black women, you are no different than anyone else in this regard. I don’t like repeating myself if I don’t have to, but in some things, repetition becomes absolutely necessary. Just as indoctrination requires feeding belief systems to persons repeatedly until they are quoting the talking points for themselves. When you are trying to communicate something to people that they need to appreciate, sometimes you need to say it over and over:
WANTING BETTER, BEING BETTER, AND NOT ACCEPTING ABUSE IS PERFECTLY NORMAL. NOT ACCEPTING OR WANTING LESS FOR YOURSELF IS PERFECTLY NORMAL. IF YOU ASPIRE TO AND ARE WORKING TOWARDS BEING BETTER THAN YOU ARE, YOU ARE MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
One area where black women are encouraged to be abnormal is in our understanding of weakness and strength and/or vulnerabilities we should and shouldn’t have. This often serves to strip us of our individualism, critical thinking capabilities, and self-respect. Being indoctrinated to misunderstand strength serves a rather malicious purpose: To groom black women from their infancy for mental, emotional, verbal and even physical abuse.
A recent example that I have to touch on, because it touched me, was a young woman communicating to me that she wasn’t bothered by seeing and experiencing disrespectful behavior towards black women because she has a “thick skin”. This young woman was downplaying and excusing the abusive behavior because she felt it was no big deal. “Men will be men,” she said.
No, ladies, men are NOT like that.
At least not any man you want anything to do with.
A man who is comfortable disrespecting women he does and doesn’t know? A man who feels entitled to treat you as little more than a sex object, with no regard for you as a human being? Someone who feels perfectly able to express intra-racial and extra-racial and sexist behaviors towards you and put you down when you refuse to accept this? This is a man to get FAR away from. DO NOT accept anything this person or other damaged and poisonous persons say about how such attitudes are not harmful to you so long as you are strong/tough. This is a lie!
It doesn’t matter how thick your skin is supposed to be: The day you decide that this is how men are and you communicate to others rationalization of this ugliness, it has already penetrated your skin. It has gotten into your mind and heart. And the DBR abusers around you have gotten you exactly where they want you. Understand: You are not in control of your opinion of such persons, because your defense is already down. You were never allowed to create an objective and logical point of view. When you feel bothered by people pointing out abuse and calling out unhealthy behaviors towards other human beings, especially black women and children, you need to pause and think about it really carefully:
-Why do you feel disturbed not by abuse and disrespect, but by persons who are communicating their dissatisfaction with these things?
-Why do you assume victims provoke the abuse rather than accept the fact that abuse is the nature of an abuser?
-Why is it more important to you to question the objection of persons to behaviors that are illegal, problematic, dangerous?
- Why is it absolutely necessary for YOU to assure people who raise their eyebrows at a man verbally assaulting a woman that it is “no big deal”?
Please understand: You will NEVER convince rational persons with a healthy sense of self and understanding of healthy human behavior that irrational and unhealthy behaviors are normal. You will simply never be able to do this.
The thing about the indoctrination of black women is that such women are incapable of thinking critically, so they will try and do the above because it’s part of their mental and emotional conditioning. They are not only triggered by the talking points that are pounded into their own heads; they are hoping to say things that trigger the indoctrination that they are assuming is part of your “programming”. So you see, it never occurred to them to critically question their need to affirm a questionable belief system. They were never allowed to and do not allow themselves to do so. Critical thinking is too dangerous a practice to a system that demands that black women not understand what real strength is. Because if these women did understand it, indoctrination would simply be IMPOSSIBLE.
A particularly poignant definition of strength I found is, “emotional or mental qualities necessary in dealing with situations or events that are distressing or difficult.”
You will have other people trying to rationalize accepting abusive behavior under the guise of you being “strong” for not showing that it hurts you. You are duped into thinking that it’s important to simple ignore vile and dysfunctional behaviors. MORE important than ending, correcting, or contradicting the behavior. Strength is judged in one’s ability to appear passive and unfazed, rather than standing up to the behavior and putting it to an end. And when confronted with other women who are absolutely offended by uncouth treatment, indoctrination dictates that you inform such persons that “they’re doing it wrong”: Strong black women can take the abuse!
Vulnerability in a black woman is despised by people who don’t think that black women are entitled to gentleness and consideration. So black women are made to despise these things in themselves and each other. A black woman who is a victim of any form of abuse deserves it in the minds of so many damaged black persons for this very reason.
The fact of the matter is that strength is the ability to do and think and feel what is necessary in order to act in a way that effectively and efficiently deals with reality.
I think that each of us has our own level of strengths. And some of us are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Black women can be human beings of remarkable endurance, character, and toughness. But the key is understanding what strength actually is and how to develop a healthy perception of what it means to be strong.
(Note: Will be talking about this in the book….that I’m totally working on right now with a hammer and chisel. And that’s why this post didn’t happen. Because I’m technically supposed to be on hiatus. Shhh……)
Because my father grew up in a physically abusive household (his father beat his mother) the resulting dysfunction did manifest itself in verbal abuse. Even as a child, my sense of logic and what's right and wrong made me bridle against such harsh words. My father and I really didn't get along very well until I went away to college. By that point my mother had finally put him in his place and told him she wasn't taking any more sh*t. I started seeing a therapist when I was in my 20s and over the years I was able to see how very screwed up and abnormal some of things in my household were when I was growing up. My dad can still sometimes speak without thinking, but it's nowhere near as bad as it was when I was a kid. Verbal abuse it's not something to be ignored, because the pain of harsh words is there long after any physical pain has gone.
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