I think in order to  better understand why black men as a topic come up in BW-centric and BWE spaces, you must understand why they do not come up.

Black men do not come up because anyone wants to hear more about black men’s problems, excuses, justifications, or rationalizations.

When black men come up, it’s because they are part of a black woman-centric problem. And it’s already been accepted by a number of black women that the solution lies in getting away from black men. Some may mistakenly think this means merely advocating interracial relationships. No, this means divorcing one’s self emotionally, mentally, and financially from the black community. The black community has made being African American synonymous with being a black man. Even worse is the coddling and deification of black manhood, despite nothing relevant to show for all the praise. It’s gotten to the point where black men are expected to show up and be black, and that be enough to be deemed “a good man”. Meanwhile, black women are expected to be a compliant workhorse and ignore all of their black woman-centric issues. This is unacceptable, so it’s rational to expect women who want to maintain their happiness and sanity to leave such a demented structure behind. Often discussing an exit strategy or dealing with the PTSD means bringing up black men.  Some black women have no reason to discuss or bring up black men because they are not a part of their reality. But they are sympathetic to those women trying to work a lot of poison out of their systems.

Black men may feel uncomfortable hearing that they as a group are largely responsible for the suffering of black women, but it’s not like this conversation is happening in a space they can’t navigate away from. Why do black men stick around and try and coerce black women into excusing them or adjusting their tone to something they personally find more acceptable? I think it’s because they don’t understand the next point.

Black men do not come up because the black women are looking for them to tell them what to think

As stated in the other point, the black women discussing their thoughts aren’t looking for black men to explain anything. Because we’ve heard all the explanations. From slavery to mind-control, many black men who enter these conversations do so to convince us that they are not responsible for their own thoughts and actions. And they try and do this by forcing their way into the conversation and then trying to tone police the black women having their discussion. It’s not always black men, sometimes it’s their coddlers.

What these people don’t know is that a safe-space is meant to be free of such attempts to shut down down conversation and sharing of emotions and experiences. Black women participants are not tone policed because some black women as I said are working a lot of poison out of their system. Some women are very hurt, others angry. And they arrive to spaces like this at different stages of grief. Some have already accepted that black men will not change as a group for the better and have moved on. Others are not able to start moving to the acceptance stage because they are angry or in some ways still bargaining.

But whatever the case, no one is looking for black men to tell them what to think about their own experiences. Because-

Black women in these spaces would be more impressed with ANYTHING black men had to say if these black men ever showed up in conversations where black women were being mistreated and disrespected. Or if they were genuinely concerned about our unique problems without some sort of self-serving catch.

The above, which I suggest some people read several times for comprehension purposes, is why I simply do not care about the existence of so-called good black men. If someone brings it up again, I may scream at this point. Because what I highlighted above simply does not happen. Ralph Richard Banks attempting to get black women to ask about why they stay unmarried rather than raise standards and marry out if they have to is probably the equivalent of Halley’s Comet passing in front of the Sun during a solar eclipse.

I just don’t see black men, for all the knee-jerk “good black men exist, are the exception, etc.” talk, stepping up to say anything about anyone but themselves. Whenever they want in on a conversation it’s either to go to bat for themselves, gas-light the black women in question, or hurl further abuse.

I can count on one hand all the times I’ve seen a black man show up and stand up against GAT-DL abusers in this or similar spaces. And I wouldn’t use all the fingers. And I’ve NEVER seen it in general black-male identified black spaces.

So the way I see it, you don’t get to interrupt a conversation you were never expected to be part of to talk about “good black men” when those men never show up to prove how good they are by giving a crap about black women when they are needed. And even when they do show up, it is too rare to really mean anything in the long run.

Ultimately, it’s just another sign of black people loving to make the exception the rule because they are running from a reality that they can’t deal with: Most black men simply do not care about black women, and have no intention of “fixing” anything or repairing a dysfunctional status quo.

And if anyone wants proof of that, you need look no further than the continued absence of black men when it comes to expectations of moral responsibility and defending of black womanhood.

Overall, black woman-centric discussion in this and similar spaces I found is not concerned with black men despite them being a topic. There is no wailing and moaning about why black men won’t change. There is no impatient demand that black men get themselves together. Or a lot of wincing for them to “come home” from non-black women. African American men simply have caused a lot of irreparable damage to themselves and the women in their  group. And no amount of excuses, finger-pointing or demands that black women shut up about their experiences is going to change that. A man, a true man, owns his mistakes and tries to fix them. Black men need to preoccupy themselves as a group with getting themselves and their heads right and passing on some sense to their male offspring.

Such things have nothing to do with black women or black womanhood. Nor can they be accomplished by lurking BW-centric spaces and fretting over why black women do or don’t bring up the words “black men”.

But more than anything, it seems that black women love nothing more than wasting their time handwringing about what black people who hate them are up to and think about their lives.

I’m going to talk about this more in the upcoming “acceptance” post, but I have to say it’s disturbing to me how many women in BWE and BW-centric spaces are emotionally invested in what people who hate them think about their decisions. For example, do you know what I love about “Black Women With Other Brothers?” Not only does she keep her space free of trolls, but she makes it clear 100% that she does not emotionally invest in what haters think. If anything she points and laughs. This can be upsetting to the delicate sensibilities of persons who try and preach empathy and understanding towards haters. (Wuh?) But however you handle it, there is one common theme: A noted lack of “give a damn”.

And this is simply the attitude you are going to have to take if you wish to avoid getting caught up in the wave of okey-dokes, because as Evia pointed out, we are in for a loooooot of them. More insidious and sophisticated than ever. And from all sides, as there are a great many individuals and groups who are invested in the mammy-muledom, fear, and social immobility of black women.

It’s harder on some black women than others. Particularly those looking back repeatedly to see if the Guardians of All Things Dark and Lovely (TM)  approve of them yet, have “come into the 21st century” or are willing to give the same benefit of the doubt that black men who date interracially automatically get. In other words, these black women are on some level emotionally waiting to be granted freedom and released from the black community.

Well, let me save you the trouble: IT IS NEVER EVER GOING TO HAPPEN. THE COMMUNITY WILL CRUMBLE TO THE GROUND FIRST.

The relationship black women as a whole have with the black community is an abusive one, akin to the abuser saying, “If you try to leave me, I will kill you.” Black women leaving are finding themselves emotionally threatened (you won’t be black anymore, you’re going to be sorry, etc.) or even being physically threatened by angry jealous black males. Sometimes the disapproval is fatal. The verbal abuse you endure for stepping out of line should also be obvious. Just look at the response to this “letter”.

So many people are wrapped up in whether or not this letter is real. Well, let’s consider for a moment that it IS real. What does the typical black response to it tell you about the mindset of black people when it comes to black women? I usually advice against this, but go take a look at the response in the black blogsphere. Look at the smug articles and abusive commentary. Look at the noted lack of support and wishing of even more terrible things to happen to this black woman. Observe the people getting their life from a black woman in pain.

I really couldn’t care less whether or not the letter is real, though if it is, I hope the woman in question gets herself together and leaves immediately. The major takeaway for me personally was the commentary, and so it is for any sensible black woman. Because the letter can be fake, but the hateful response from black people? All too real and all too predictable.

GAT-DL black people continue to make their hatred of black women known far and wide. As such, nothing has changed: A single glance backwards will tell you that it’s another day at the office working for The Empire. Emperor Kneegrowplease is still executing various orders in an attempt to awaken some latent form of indoctrination to keep sensible black women from leaving and taking their resources with them. These are not the droids you are looking for and all that.

Nothing has changed, ladies. So keep it moving as far away from these persons as possible. The more noise they make, the more you know you are doing something right.

STOP being overly invested in what the clowns in Trolladelphia are doing, because they want your full attention in order to steal as much of your joy as possible.

GO and get your life, and let go of the nasty habit of continuously looking back to check the “State of Hateration”. These people have no power that you don’t give them yourself.

Being aware of the tricks and attempts at manipulation sent your way is certainly a must, but this doesn’t require you get angry or fearful. Simply side-step these persons and keep walking. How emotionally invested you become in the efforts of black trolls is often an indicator of how far removed you actually are from these constructs.  If they have the ability to tap into a high level of your emotion, you are NOT free. It’s as simple as that.

Want to be free? Go on with your life and leave the hating fools to their devices.

Stage Three: The Bargaining Black Woman

As stated in the first part, the “five stages of grief” for black women tend to not happen in any particular order. Some women begin at this stage. Others move from “denial” to this stage. But like denial or anger, the traits exhibited by black women who are at the bargaining stage are all too familiar. For example:

“I know there has been a lot of wrong done on both sides. Black men walk away a lot, but then black women have a lot of nasty attitudes, too. Who wants to be around that? Both black men and women need to do more to help each other. If black women can just get over their anger and stop being bitter, it will help make things easier for everyone. We do a lot, but black women are strong. Sometimes too strong. We got to let black men be men, and help them take the lead in the community. Black women are still part of the community. We can’t just walk away and leave our people in ruin. They need us.”

And

“Yes, I’ve thought about dating outside my race. But I just feel like there are still good black men out there and I don’t want to miss my chance at true black love. Black women tend to be too demanding, and it’s not like other men can put up with our ish like a brotha. Everyone wants a black man cause they got it going on, so it’s hard. But good things are worth waiting for, right?

While you could argue that the second comment is a type of denial, ultimately these both represent bargaining behaviors. The first is the obvious “if black women did ______, things would change” form of bargaining that tries to convince black women that somehow, despite pulling most of the load in the black community, they STILL are not doing enough. This mentality often ignores the reality and imagines that there is a level and fair playing field full of rules to be abided and awards that will be given out. But this simply is not true. The black community is largely skewed against black women, and no matter what you offer or “bargain” with yourself or others, there are no rewards coming.

As for the second, many black women bargain that if they follow certain “rules”, they are guaranteed a piece of black man, or a whole one if they are lucky and good enough.

There are black women who have married black men and have good marriages. However those relationships were not built on bargaining-behaviors, but rather compatibility, mutual love and respect. Bargaining-behaviors will lead to relationship failure or unhappiness black women who exhibit them are eager to ignore red flags and will overlook unacceptable treatment and qualities. They “barter” their happiness not based on proper vetting, but because they want a black man, and any kind of black man will do.

When it comes to community obligation and dating within the black community, black women are left in a terrible position. Everyone knows it, except black women at the denial stage. Black women who are at the bargaining stage recognize it a bit more, but are not fully prepared to accept it and  put their best interests first.

 Stage Four: The Depressed Black Woman

The depressed black woman is a popped balloon: All the air went out of her and her tattered pride is lying on the floor in pieces.

This stage lacks the fire of anger, but can still be quite a doozy and very hard to escape. That’s primarily do to the sense of helplessness and hopelessness involved. If you are a person that gets all your pride from how another group is supposed to feel about you, what happens to your pride when you find out they HATE you? If you are expected to turn to “your people” for help but they won’t help you because you as a black woman are meant to carry the load, how helpless would you feel?

Then there’s that ugly matter of praising to high heaven the femininity and beauty of all other women while telling black women everywhere that their unique beauty is less than dirt.

For the depressed black woman all the hurt and agony exists endlessly, because they don’t understand that love and approval will not be forthcoming from the negative hate-filled sources they’ve turned to for validation.

This is a terrible way to be, because it’s often unnecessary. It’s a reality that such women have allowed other people to shape for them. Breaking away from this stage often means changing your mind about who you are and what your value is. And then changing the type of people who you allow around you.

Coming up in Part 3: Acceptance – What it IS and what it ISN’T…

But my lack of diligence did not keep me from catching wind of a recent bit of “WTFery” that happened on the show.

A model named Devyn Abdullah was being interviewed by none other than Wendy Williams when the following dialogue took place:

Wendy: Is it hard to be a black girl model?

Devyn: I don’t really consider myself to be a black girl model. I mean, I know what my ethnicity is, but I’m fair-skinned and I feel like I have an international look.

…..

As for the fallout, let’s just say Miss Campbell has a new wig to add to her collection.

Now here are some images of the model in question: (1) (2) (3)

Ms. Abdullah is a single mother from the Bronx who prior to her shot at modeling stardom was working three jobs to care for her family. She is a very lovely young African American woman.

However, her comment was simply unacceptable and if she has a brain in her head, she will apologize for it. And I don’t mean because a cellphone might go flying at her head from some random direction at any minute.

She should apologize for helping to justify the othering of black women everywhere on national freaking television.

I don’t care what this woman calls or considers herself. I don’t know her. And despite this brain fart, I wish Devyn all the best. But I am so TIRED of African American women acting like there is something wrong with black skin. Or even worse, avoiding identifying with black skin for reasons that are CLEARLY colorist in nature.

When I initially read about a controversial statement where she denied thinking of herself as a black model, I was full-on expecting something like, “I am just a model like everyone else, and I’m tired of people putting black women in a box. I’m just me.” I would understand something like that, but no. She went and said, “I’m fair-skinned….I’m international.”

It’s no secret that the fashion industry can get pretty stupid when it comes to black women or any woman of color. And I can understand wanting to avoid the pitfalls that come with fighting for a single spot in the show because a designer honestly feels they only need ONE black girl.

But how freaking DARE YOU sit there, with a dark-skinned model sitting next to you, and Naomi Campbell in the room (a woman who is a walking talking modeling legend, dark skin and all) and fix your mouth to say black skin is not international.

F-Y-freaking-I, there are black women all over the damn globe being fabulous. There have been black women of various shades breaking down all sorts of barriers so a a black girl could even dream about pursuing roles and jobs that decades ago they would have been laughed at for.

Black skin is international because a black woman can go anywhere she pleases. We do not need a passport to carry blackness from one place to another.

And to whom it may concern, this is why posts about recognizing the importance and feminine beauty of DARK SKINNED women is so freaking necessary. Because some light-skinned women apparently are not afraid to get on national damn TV and act a fool, and help further the stigma against being perceived as black, and especially, as dark-skinned. 

If you are a WOC and you don’t self-identify as black, that is your right and that is your business. I don’t hate or shade you. But if you fix your mouth to put down existing as a black, notably dark-skinned woman, you have issues you need to sort out. And in reality, the fashion industry is not the best place to do so. Because like it or not, they will take one look at you and say, “Sorry, we don’t want any black girls. Next!”

These barriers get broken down not by cooperation, but by acknowledgement and pushing back.

Ideally no matter what stage a black woman finds herself at, she needs to move towards “acceptance”, and we’ll discuss why when that stage is explained.

Stage One: Black Woman In Denial

“…There are plenty of beautiful, strong and loving black men of the African diaspora ready to wife you in this world.  Get out more, travel more.   But, one thing I tip my hat off to Black men is honesty.  Black men usually do not settle, they won’t just marry anybody.  If Black men are not ready to settle down and still want to play the field, they won’t marry.  If this is not the woman they want to spend the rest of their life with, they won’t wife her….”

The above is a quote from a black woman in denial. This is a woman who could not accept the reality of black men not marrying at anywhere near the rate of other ethnic groups of men. This is someone who cannot face the fact that stringing a woman along is not an admirable trait; it is the trait of a manipulative user. This is a person who has deluded herself into feeling admiration for black men at the expense of her self-respect as a black woman. She named herself after a man’s private parts in hopes this would adequately convey her love and loyalty to the black men who were lurking.

Such black women are common, no matter how much it may pain you to admit it or accept it. Because some black women are just not mentally ready to view black men as less than gods. To admit that a black man is fallible, even for obvious wrongdoing, is to show hatred or disloyalty.

I have admitted in the past to following Kpop and there is a hilarious meme that goes “Oppa didn’t mean it!” This meme mocks Kpop fangirls who try and rationalize away undesirable behaviors in their particular idol because they cannot deal with the possibility that he/she has done something wrong. They’ll say he didn’t mean it or it was some sort of mistake. That everyone is being unfair to “oppa”.

The sort of blind loyalty I’ve seen in teenage Kpop fangirls is pretty much what I’ve seen in black women twisting themselves into pretzels to rationalize and defend trifling, dysfunctional, and hateful behavior.

Black women who cannot accept uncomfortable truths about the black community and particularly black men’s unacceptable treatment of us as a group are in denial.

Stage Two: The Angry Black Woman

The ABW is a caricature meant to control and manipulate how a black woman feels. Meanwhile, the anger stage of black woman grief represents the emotional state of a particular black woman attempting to deal with her experiences as it relates to the GAT-DL.

Anger is a very powerful and forceful emotion. A lot of black women who are coming to terms with the indoctrination, disrespect, cruelty, and just pain associated with black social structures feel a great deal of anger, even hate. They are angry that they allowed themselves to believe so many lies for so long. They are angry at the people who hurt them rather than stand up for them (despite all the “we are all black, and we gotta stick together” talk). And they are especially angry that now that they realize what happened and are in a place that they can escape, the manipulators are trying to force them back into a state of pacificity or lie to their faces about experienced wrongdoing.

You can compare it to this scene in, “The Color Purple”.

I don’t tone police black women at this stage because that’s not going to help them move on. The only way an angry black woman (again, not to become confused with an ABW) can exit this stage is to let go of her anger. Some women never do, and eventually it consumes them. Because not everyone exits whatever stage they find themselves in.

So, what stage do you honestly feel you are at when it comes to the GAT-DL/Black Community? Do you feel you will reach or have reached the “acceptance” stage?

Coming Up In Part Two: Bargaining And Depression

Now, I do understand legitimate concerns regarding dark-skinned hatred or mistrust of light-skinned women when that hatred threatens one’s offspring. Because it will if you are intending to procreate. Those feelings don’t just vanish and if you don’t deal with them, you may do harm.

Yes, I understand that.

However, one thing I do not understand and was not prepared to fight back against at the time was having people practically lie to my face about the harm colorism does to dark-skinned girls versus men and women alike who are simply not dark-skinned women.

I am going to say this straight out and I honestly do not care how badly it may upset persons. Because some people need to get this through their heads and stop being so freaking full of it:

The greatest amount of colorist harm is happening at the darkest shades of black and particularly towards dark-skinned black women. That is where black women are too dark to be seen, supposedly too dark to be loved (lie), too dark for anything other than derision. If you are visible, if you are acknowledged, and especially if you’re being given color privilege, this does not apply to you, so stop pretending that it does. You are a damn liar.

One of the hardest thing for privileged persons of any kind to do is to acknowledge their privilege. Because if you do, you also have to acknowledge benefiting from that privilege. And if you acknowledge benefits, well, you also acknowledge your contribution to and upholding of a status quo that harms other people. And good people or people who think of themselves as good don’t really ever want to do that.

I wrote the article about recognizing the necessity and importance of dark-skinned women and their beauty because I did not see it being acknowledged. I did not see the beautiful dark-skinned women I know exist on the TV screen and in movies. The ones I recalled from my childhood had even vanished. And when I notice something I just can’t un-notice it. And so when I noticed that I was writing from a place of skin privilege it bothered me. Because I wondered whether or not I was speaking for dark-skinned women in a way that could be construed as hijacking their message.

Often, there is this tendency of privileged groups or persons to not listen to the disenfranchised because their words or experiences are not seen as relatable or important. It’s only through the words of other privileged persons that some people get around to acknowledging the experiences of others. It’s why you often see in those “donate money to poor children in this nameless African/South American village” commercials a person other than someone of that background asking for money.

In all honesty, I didn’t write what I did because I felt that I could better explain the experiences of dark-skinned women; I wrote it because I observed something and it really startled me. I must say I was even more startled and concerned after that post. I was worried that my point did not get across or it became a sounding board for people looking to ignore everything I had written because it was an inconvenience to them.

While I’m getting over the need to clarify everything to everybody, this is one of those things I will gladly do so as an exception because if you give some persons an inch, they’ll take a mile: Recognition in this regard is about the issues of dark-skinned women. If that’s not you, save it for when it is. You can’t help other people by making their issues all about you. That’s not empathy, that’s narcissism.

I did not write about why it was important to acknowledge the femininity, beauty, and womanhood of dark-skinned women because I expected it to be open to debate. It’s not. You either wish to do this or you don’t. A lot of time spent hemming and hawing about why you shouldn’t have to is a lot of the time, whether people want to admit it or not, about status protection. Truly self-validated and empathetic people don’t look for ways to make the suffering and concerns of other people about themselves. Especially when doing so CONTRIBUTES TO THE PROBLEM. If you can’t care about other people unless the spotlight is on you, go away and work on your relationship skills. Relating to other people isn’t about making everything about you. And one of the biggest hurdles in challenging colorism is colorists or shade-privileged persons thinking that the best way to acknowledge dark-skinned women and their problems is to ignore their concerns and reframe the issue. ….No, just no.

The truth is that in order for a problem to be properly addressed, it must first be acknowledged. Are really dark-skinned women acknowledged in society in a way that’s positive? I don’t think so, and certainly not enough. It seems whenever a remotely dark-skinned, non-Eurocentric feature having woman or girl steps into the limelight, some truly ugly person is right there to try and knock them down a few pegs. The Williams sisters revolutionized the sport of tennis, but people are forever waiting to mock their African-esque* features and body shapes. Gabrielle Douglas is a history making Olympian and yet while she was doing this, all anyone wanted to talk about was her hair. Quvenzhané Wallis became the youngest ever Academy Awards nominee, and yet someone felt it was perfectly logical to refer her as a slur that’s not even acceptable to call adults. Some people are desperate to argue that there’s no pattern, no agenda against the self-worth and self-esteem of black women. And especially those who aren’t acceptably light enough.

One thing that annoys me greatly is that such slights are only ever acknowledged when the origin is chiefly external – commentary by non-blacks. No one has anything to say on behalf of the routine devaluation and harm done to dark-skinned women by the members of the so-called African American community? Really now?

Some people, even black women, dupe themselves into thinking that commentary and actions are less hurtful and harmful when the source is “black/African American like me”, or, “at least it’s someone also black saying it. I couldn’t take it from a white person”. Harm is harm, hate is hate, and ugly is ugly. Ugly behaviors towards a black woman because of her dark skin is hurtful and abusive. If you do this, you need to feel ashamed. If you accept this, you need to love yourself enough to stop.

Stop making excuses for black abusers. Stop feeling like there’s something wrong with you for being so dark-skinned. Stop listening to the lies that you are less valuable because of your dark skin.

I think dark skin is beautiful. I think women who have skin so dark it glows are lucky because there are few sights on this Earth as rewarding as the luminosity of truly dark skin. There are black pearls, too. And these items are prized for their rareness and beauty. So think of yourself in this way. You are a beautiful gem and you deserve to be marveled at and treasured. You deserve so much better than what so many black people are too blind or ignorant to give.

Please do not wait for other people to get around to recognizing your importance and beauty. Some people are just not that bright. For other people, it’s just not relevant to their interests. But you know it and believe it for yourself. And don’t let anyone try and convince you otherwise.

Godspeed to all my beautiful dark-skinned friends and to the beautiful dark-skinned women reading this right now. I love you and am on your side.

*Please miss me with the “But there are light-skinned Africans, too!” I know, and am not interested in pretending that the features I’m discussing are something other than unmistakably NON-EUROCENTRIC and unique to descendants of the darkest, least European-esque featured persons. You can be obtuse if you want, but I’m not taking the bait. Thanks.

GAT-DL WARS

*scrolling text*

Episode VI: Return of the Memo

In the past, there had been previous attempts to communicate to persons operating at the behest of the self-appointed Guardians-of-all-things-dark-and-lovely (aka “The Empire”) to understand that spaces targeted at black women who are interested in interracial dating and are largely centered on these black women’s best interests (A) are NOT black love sites (B) as such, do not function in order to kowtow to persons who hate the idea of black women dating interracially or are hellbent on blocking such women’s attempts to do so. Additionally, (C) feel there are other spaces better prepared to obsess over “black love”, and we remain puzzled why such persons don’t make their way there, instead of trying to make IRR-sites into black love nests.

Persons who advocate interracial relationships and social freedom for black women (aka “The Rebel Alliance”) intend to continue to promote the belief that black women must choose men according to vetting skills that place absolutely no emphasis on whether or not the man in question is black. And if a black woman simply decides she doesn’t want to date or marry a black man, there’s nothing whatsoever The Empire can do about it. So long as she’s living her life and being happy, there’s no reason for her to care that the Sith consider her a “traitor”, “gold-digger”, “thinks she’s too good for black men”, “may think she’s all that but at the end of the day, she’s still black (because that’s bad?)” or whatever Jedi mind tricks are going these days in order to keep persons under the Empire’s control.

As so, we come to the latest memo. It is meant to communicate to persons who “hate-lurk” this and similar spaces that no matter how long they elect to mouth-breathe in these parts, black women here are not interested in their thoughts on ANYTHING. Especially our own preferences and wellbeing. It is also meant to communicate some things to people who fell into this space by accident and don’t quite know what’s going on.

First, “The Empire” is not happy with all the attention black women are getting these days. Suffice it to say….THEY MAD. Because time and energy black women are dedicating to themselves and their happiness is not time and energy being misplaced to run behind some black man who doesn’t want them or seeks to use and abuse them. Is not time and energy being wasted waiting around for people who hate them to approve of them and their happiness (yeah, that’s never gonna happen). It’s also made it increasingly hard to sell the lie that black women are not wanted and are undesirable. We’re beginning to see more and more black women on the arms of powerful and influential men of ALL races, and the more that happens, the weaker “The Empire” becomes.

Secondly, in a last ditch effort to prevent this, Emperor Kneegrowplease has attempted to execute Order What-The-Cuss,  a mental override code intended to stop the flow of persons joining the Rebellion. The hope is this code will effectively shut down black women moving away from black group think that works against them, and at the same time promote the lie that THE MAN (TM) wants to break up black households and send black women off to be with white men and black men off to be with white women. Thus destroying black love forever.

Anyone with a functioning brain can see the hole-ridden texture of this logic. Remember, Africa? It’s a continent. And last I heard, there were a lot of black people there. And yet to hear the some black Americans talk WE hold the key to all blackness everywhere and if we go so does all of Blackdom. Nevermind the black people you’ll find all over the world. English-speaking, Spanish-speaking, French-speaking, etc. All over the place, all continuing to exist and procreate. In other words, contrary to what Order What-The-Cuss would have you believe, “black love” isn’t being endangered by anything other than people who have no concept of what love is.

Love is NOT dictating to people their happiness based on your own fear, ignorance and hate. Love is NOT feeling you are helping black women by telling them how unwanted, unloveable, and terrible they are because they are black women and the only use they have for the world involves their vagina (it does not matter how badly you abuse the thesaurus to get that point across. It’s still ugly and you’re operating from a place of hate). And also, if you cared that much about black love, you would be out living it, instead of sitting around complaining about other people getting their life. You would not believe something so ridiculous as the fact that black men are being FORCED into the arms of anything lighter or brighter than dark-skinned, “nappy haired” black women. LOL. The BS is strong with that one.

Meanwhile black women hadn’t dated out primarily because of lies, fairy tales, and fallacies. But the script has been flipped and there’s no reversing it.

And to close, let these following points be the T-65 X-wing starfighter getting ready to take out the Death Star:

- More and more black women are going to date and marry interracially and haters can get mad and burn up. There’s nothing they can do about it.

- Yes, black women who marry tend to have better marriage rates than other groups. What do you think will happen when people who WANT to be married and STAY married get wind of that fact? Well while pressed persons spend the rest of the day adding one and one, how about the rest of us move to the next point….

- A black woman’s life and happiness belongs TO HERSELF FIRST AND FOREMOST. Not the black community. Not the black church. Not to so-called black leaders. Not to black family members and friends who would rather hold her back than see her live her own life merely because they disagree with her. So such persons need to get a clue and have a seat.

Anyway, that is all. Excuse me while I go bullseye womp rats in my T-16. o/

*I know someone is gonna want to stroll in here and go on about how they are black and married black (why are you here exactly, particularly if you are here hating on black women wanting to date/marry interracially? This IS an interracial blog. It always amazes me how many people miss that….). Well, good for you. No, seriously. That’s wonderful. However, your bubble doesn’t make the reality of OOWness and African American black male unwillingness to partake in marriage at a decidedly lower rate than other groups less of an issue or a concern to black women today. Other women of other ethnic groups want to be married? They think there’s nothing wrong with it AND NEITHER DO THE MEN IN THEIR ETHNIC GROUP. You know, the ones who take the initiative and make it happen. Black women today want to be married…they are told they are an “exception” and have black men telling them, “Oh black women don’t want to be married”.  Hmm.

Two facts to take with you when you leave: First, this isn’t 1973, please stop preaching facts like time stood still and black men haven’t abandoned black womanhood EN MASSE. It’s not a “great white conspiracy”. It’s the choice of a lot of black men. Second, black women are human beings. They are not a separate species. African American women may have been increasingly socialized to not expect to be married (to black men, who aren’t asking), but that can and will change as other men step up to the plate.

Have a good day.

First a person must be damaged. How that person comes to be damaged varies by life experience, but whatever it is has marred their existence in some way. There are also levels of damage which determine how well a person can function in society. However, the level of damage does not actually determine the “beyond repair” part. Indeed, there are a LOT of DBRs thriving in today’s world. So don’t make the mistake of assuming that if you move away from hoodrats, you’re moving away from every DBR there is.

The second part is that the damage is so normal, that it’s the truth and it’s a truth worth defending.

An example of this is something I observed a number of  years ago. A young woman was outed in an online community as being in a sexual relationship with her father. I was not there when that particular event happened, but I was there for the fallout. No one was picking on or shaming this young woman. Quite the contrary: People were trying to be supportive, assuring her that it wasn’t her fault and that she had been manipulated by her father. Her own words seemed to signal that: Her father began making advances on her as a young teen and eventually forced himself on her. She distinctly remembered not wanting his attention, but over time came to accept his “love” and believe the lie that their relationship was necessary because “her mother was not giving him what he needed physically and emotionally.” I remember that quote because it’s forever burned into my brain. Meanwhile the mother supposedly was unaware of the relationship and her daughter’s resentment of her  (not in the “why didn’t you protect me?” sense, but rather as a rival). There was nothing anyone could say to convince this young woman that there was anything wrong with her relationship. The community was wrong. Society was wrong. Her relationship was true love and there was nothing wrong with her or her father.

It’s been years but I’ll probably never forget coming across that situation, and I do hope that young woman eventually woke up and got away from her father. But regarding what I read at the time, this was a textbook example of DBRism of the highest order:

- A person is damaged through a life situation, in this case involving sexual abuse

-  They are manipulated/indoctrinated into accepting those circumstances as normal, even desirable

- They do not fight the indoctrination/manipulation or the person harming them. In fact they feel the situation is what’s best for them and they love/defend the person(s) who has manipulated and gas-lighted them into being damaged.

- They don’t see the harmful behavior as damaging, but rather an expression of love or being helpful

- There is no way to explain or change the minds of someone regarding their damage

- This is because to them being damaged is NORMAL and they don’t want the circumstances to change

- They will fight non-damaged persons over their damage and cling to their damaged thoughts and their indoctrinators.

- To a person damaged beyond repair, everything in their life is in order and they don’t want to change because they don’t need to change. It’s the WORLD that needs to change to suit them, and they feel such an impossible expectation is perfectly rational.

A person with damages to their life, heart, and or mind that recognizes that something is wrong is NOT damaged beyond repair simply because they acknowledge the reality of their situation. You might say they are on the fence. A person who is damaged may become damaged beyond repair when they accept their circumstances as unfixable and say “what’s the point?”. They eventually slide from being damaged because they feel they are powerless to change to feeling resentful of any notion that they should have to change themselves at all, even if a lack of change works against them. DBRs expect the Earth to move rather than they be obligated to put one foot in front of the other.

A person who is or was damaged may go in the other direction, towards being what I call a “work-in progress”. A “work-in-progress” is someone who has recognized that there are issues they need to work out or that they are in a situation that is unhealthy or undesirable. These persons then begin actively working on themselves and their life. Understand, no one makes everything right and perfect overnight. Some people can turn it around in a matter of months through a few adjustments. Others take YEARS to get over a lifetime of trauma and pain. And not every work-in-progress makes it to the finish line.

One very important thing a  ”work-in-progress” can say a person damaged beyond repair can’t? They are working to progress to a better place and be a better person. And that’s something to be proud of.

Question: What are some other ways to differentiate between someone who is “damaged beyond repair” and a “work in progress”?

Pay special attention to these parts here:

“At the time, Traylor was in what she believed was a monogamous relationship. During her annual doctor’s visit, she was disturbed to realize she had to ask specifically for an HIV test on top of a standard STD panel. She insisted on taking the test even though her doctor told her — as a heterosexual woman involved in a monogamous relationship — that she was low risk.

Later Traylor broke up with her boyfriend and began a new committed relationship. That was the year her life changed. Despite vigilance in testing, Traylor wasn’t prepared for what she found out at her doctor’s visit that year: She was HIV positive. Two weeks later she learned she was pregnant with her second child.”

It hadn’t been her current boyfriend who’d given her the disease, but rather an ex-boyfriend to whom she had been faithfully committed.

Who wants to bet she was led to believe that she was the “only one” this guy was sleeping with? It could be a situation where you have a man that’s HIV+ but doesn’t care and is just out infecting black women because he’s full of evil and hate. And that’s scary enough on its own. But even more scary than that? It could be he had no idea and still has no idea he’s HIV+. And that’s often the case despite these very real facts taken from the article in question:

- According to the CDC, 50,000 Americans are infected with HIV each year, and 25% of those are between the ages of 13 and 24.

- Sixty percent of youth with HIV don’t know they have it, despite recommendations from the CDC, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force.

Some other aspects of the article that a lot black women don’t want to hear about: The black men passing around AIDs aren’t just creeping around with “dirty man-stealing hos”. Sometimes the other woman is ACTUALLY the other man:

“The reality is, today, the majority of HIV infections are among men who have sex with men,” Kaplan said. “Without a doubt, we need broader screening efforts, but I think overall we need broader talk about sexuality in the United States.”

I would gladly rephrase that as “talk about sexuality among the black community”, because for all the NO HOMO! talk, some down-low love is going on, and it’s not all in jail and against someone’s will.

A number of young (and old) black women need to wake up to some uncomfortable realities when it comes to their bodies and their love life.

First, too many black women assume that the rules of a committed relationship outside of marriage is totally the same as being married. Just because you are faithful and true and almost-married doesn’t mean the brotha you’re with feels the same. And with there being more black women around than black men, especially women with man-sharing behaviors, what makes you think they want to feel that way? They certainly don’t have to feel that way. For your own peace of mind and physical safety…VET YOUR MEN WELL!

And by the way, that’s just the heterosexual black men. As was pointed out, a lot of black women are being infected by the double-dipping nobody wants to talk about: bisexual black men or gay black men playing the role of straight male. Men having unprotected sex with other men, and the infected men passing STDs/STIs along to their partners (both men and women), who then pass it to someone else, who passes it to someone else, etc.

In a recent post, there was a lot of talk about black women feeling “threatened” about holding onto a man and believing that if they don’t give it up, someone else will. That sort of I-need-to-spread-my-legs-to-keep-a-man fear is real, and it’s ruining lives because it’s built on an ugly lie. No man that demands you spread your legs or they’re “gonna find someone who will” is worth keeping. Especially if you’re being given this ultimatum after knowing the man all of two weeks. Laugh, but it does happen. And some young women don’t know they don’t have to listen to this kind of talk. They don’t know that they should insist on using condoms even if it doesn’t make their beau happy. They don’t know that every act of unprotected sex risks much more than an unwanted pregnancy.

These young women are risking their health and possibly their lives.

It isn’t enough to pretend that your being with one guy is enough to save your life and your womb. Because it’s not. Get tested often, and always use protection. Monogamy isn’t a condom.

But not all black women know how to function in society. Especially not in a way that is safe and sensible, let alone not embarrassing. But lets put aside embarrassing and focus on “safe and sensible”.

I’m going to re-introduce the definition of machoism from the previous post. AGAIN, please note the emphasis:

Machoism: Prominently exhibited or displayed masculinity….Characteristics include domineering, fierceness, bravado, and similar behavior patterns displayed showily or histrionically as being tough…The machismo of members of the human species are all exaggerated features that may cause injury to individuals that display them but attract females.

I say again from the above definition, “MAY CAUSE INJURY TO INDIVIDUALS THAT DISPLAY THEM.”

So then, anyone want to look at that video of the woman being tasered or the video of the woman getting her lights knocked out by the bus driver and tell me how what I witnessed did not fall under this category? Machoism, by its very definition is the combination of behaviors that are overly aggressive attempts to show off how “hardcore” you are and being placed in a situation that will very likely lead to harm.

And this is true of men.

I asked before, and I ask again, “If this behavior is dangerous to men, how does it become safe or okay for women?”

The answer remains the same: It does NOT.

I called the behavior an attack on black femininity and I’m not backing down from that claim. If anything, something in the video (other than the violence) happened that I found to be very interesting.

One of the children of the macho women in the video starts yelling, “THAT’S WHY YOU’RE GAY!” While what I assume is his mother or his mother’s friend is calling this guy a p*ssy.

The implication is that unless he acts in as an aggressive manner as they are, his masculinity is in jeopardy of being non-existant. He is not a man, he is a woman and this is somehow bad. This is the cornerstone of macho-thinking: I am challenging your manhood, and if you are a man, you will step to me and prove your masculinity.

Let’s stop and think about this for a moment. Femininity and womanhood is removed from this logic to the extent where it is expected that both parties recognize each other as masculine beings. Yes, that is exactly what we are seeing. Not only that, it is being openly detested and used as a goading tactic to incite violence.

How common is this behavior between overly aggressive and testosterone-laden males? And how common is it that from that point, it very well does escalate to violence?

And herein lies the problem when it comes to macho little black girls, teens, and women: They are not exceptions to the violence they are inciting.

Machoism in women is not a “have your cake and eat it too!” reality, where you get to behave in a way where you are challenging men as a man yourself, completely forsaking your womanhood, and then expect everyone to remember that you are a woman and that no harm will come to you.

The look of shock on the woman’s face (that’s not a pun, she looked shocked) when she got tased said it all. She honestly thought she could physically threaten this man, attack this man, and then everything would work out because she’s a woman. She tried it with the wrong man.

And she remains lucky that it was her pride that was hurt and she’ll be leaving with her life. People have been tased to death, you know.

But still, what if it had been a man with a gun? Or sans weapon, what if she was beaten to death right there in front of her crying children?

Tough questions must be asked of any community that attempts to normalize dangerous behaviors in women because they feel it’s safer to have hypermasculine little girls, lest they become “fast” little black girls. Tracy made a very telling observation in the referenced post:

“Don’t be too shocked ladies, lack of teaching about black female ‘hygiene’ is another form of them avoiding her ‘fastness’… That’s not poverty, that’s a mental condition causing the neglect. ”

I do strongly suspect that this behavior is a sadistic attempt to encourage black women into a mentality and lifestyle that “protects them” from being feminine little girls. Because there are too many predators in the black community who don’t see a sweet little girl. Instead, they see a wet hole just asking for it because she’s a ho anyway. And the further a little girl is from, well a little girl, the less likely she’s supposed to be confused with one. If she’s out challenging men and threatening violence, no one would think about sexing her…right?

Well…the women in the video were mothers so there goes that logic.

What we have instead is the Frankenstein creation of neglect and ignorance, the false belief that womanhood cast aside can be trusted to be remembered by every challenged party. The machoism that is getting women hurt and killed.

No one is saying wear a dress always and throw tea parties. No one is saying be “traditionally” feminine. At least I’m not saying this.

What I am trying to drive home is the reality of machoism, and that it is an unhealthy level of aggression that gets men AND women hurt and killed.

I am not a romantic so I’m not going to lie to you about this: There are no exceptions to this rule.

If you play with fire, you are going to get burned. If you encourage black girls to act like overly aggressive prison yard criminals, then that’s how they’ll behave, and when they step to the wrong person, they are going to inevitably get hurt.

How does this behavior become corrected?

I honestly don’t know. I think if I person wants to change they can. Of course that requires they know there’s something fundamentally wrong with their behavior. Why would you change aspects of yourself that you don’t consider problematic?

I guess the first step is acknowledging that this is a problem that is far too common to be any good. That this is not the way to encourage your black daughters to be, even if you delude yourself into believing hyper aggression and black male criminal imitation is less problematic than everyone knowing your dealing with a girl/woman. Because the worst case scenario is absolute success: Your girl-child/daughter’s machoism encourages her to get in the face of someone who is armed and or dangerous and it gets her killed.

Author’s Note:

As before, I’m not taking about sexuality (although the homophobia/misogyny expressed is rather interesting given the behavior, and definitely worth a topic of its own) or being “a tomboy”. There is a CLEAR and distinct difference between being a tomboy and being a hyper-aggressive black girl trying to fight and beat up on everyone. Please don’t play dumb.

Also, please note again that machoism is a definition usually used to describe distinctly human male behaviors, while still calling those behaviors “harmful”. So understand this is a way of being that while masculine is still considered wrong. In other words, for those who think this is an attack on less traditional and feminine black women, here you have a definition aimed at men telling them that it is unsafe. Attempting to make it safe for women because they are women is not forward thinking or progressive and expect me to challenge you if you try and pass it off as such. There are too many hurt and dead black women proving otherwise.