When you think about someone in a relationship trapping their partner into a pregnancy, we often think it’s a desperate woman trying to cling to her man by any means necessary. Either she hopes he will stay out of obligation, or if that is out of the question, she does it to retain some piece of him, coupled with a little bundle to love her unconditionally. We rarely talk about how MEN attempt to trap women into pregnancy for their own ends–either through guilt, bullying or outright sabotage. There’s even a name for it: Reproductive coercion.
Today from the Huffington Post:
Reproductive coercion is a specific type of intimate partner violence in which one partner forces unprotected sex in order to increase the chances that the other partner will get pregnant against her will.
Defining this kind of abuse is important for both healthcare providers and women, explained Heather McCauley, a social epidemiologist and an assistant professor of human development at Michigan State University, who studies the phenomenon.
Reproductively coercive acts include threatening to leave unless the woman becomes pregnant, threatening to have a baby with someone else if she doesn’t comply, physically abusing a woman because she does not agree to pregnancy and tampering with birth control to deliberately cause pregnancy. Forcing a woman to either carry a pregnancy to term or have an abortion against her wishes also constitutes reproductive coercion.
Birth control tampering and pregnancy coercion, in particular, is the focus of McCauley’s latest research.
“The thing about reproductive coercion is that many women still don’t recognize this behavior as abuse,” McCauley said. “If you were to ask them if they experienced abuse or coercion in their relationship, they would probably say no.” Read more here.
Quiet as it’s kept, I believe reproductive coercion runs rampant in the black community. I’ve heard horror stories of men deliberately impregnating young women who have bright futures ahead of them to sully them and “knock down their stock” in the dating and mating world. I once had a neighbor, Emily, who was a beautiful biracial school teacher raising her son alone. After we got close, I asked her what happened with his father, who did little in terms of showing any interested in his son or fatherhood. She said when they were together and having some problems, her then-boyfriend poked holes in condoms without her knowledge, until she became pregnant. He thought that the child would shackle her to him, but once her realized she was no longer interested in a relationship, he showed little to no interested in the child he forced upon Emily. What’s more, that little boy knew his father didn’t want much to do with him, and even at six years old, I could see the anger brewing in his heart–for his father and his mother. Again, ladies–children of single mothers often blame the parent who stayed, regardless of the circumstances. One only need to tip toe through the bowels of You Tube, where the troglodytes of the He Man Black Women Haters Club dwell to drive the point home.
Emily would forever be the parent having to put her son’s needs ahead of hers, and take into account any future romantic relationship she would have, and despite how beautiful, smart, friendly and loving she was, any man would have to consider her as a “package” with a brooding little boy he’d have to take on, and let’s face it–there would be some totally not interested. Her ex, however, is free to trap more promising young women and seek to control them through their wombs with little consequences.
If you’re in a relationship with a man, regardless of his race, who is berating you to have a child that’s not included in your plans, especially without benefit of permanent commitment like marriage, I suggest you run for the hills as fast as you can–especially if you’ve got more going for yourself than he does. In fact, no single man should be “asking” you to have his baby if he’s not financially and psychologically ready. Stop giving these idiots sleeping on their sister’s couch immortality. They don’t deserve it, and you deserve better.
I wouldn’t be surprised that it happens in the BC since so many of
the NBABM women are desperate to cling onto what they think is a good
BM. The BC and other BM, from celebrities right down to the average joes
make it their business to fuel the low self esteems of BW and the whole
“no one wants you”. They feel they have to prove their love (like some
men think impregnating someone proves they’re manhood). On Maury one
day, the usual paternity testing going on, this time a young BG who
dreamed of being a doctor got pregnant by her no ambition BB boyfriend.
You could see her passion for wanting to join the medical field and
there was just nothing from him. And yes, misery loves company and some
people hate when they feel like they’re being left behind. Some people,
like this BB, wanted to put her “in her place” and knew a pregnancy
would make it much more difficult. Going to medical school she would be
surrounded by guys, single guys specifically, who were going places and
some of them would be BM as well. It’s easier for these sort of people
to impregnate or purposefully get pregnant to trap someone than letting
the relationship end or making more efforts to get on their partner’s
level instead of rolling in the mud.
It’s rather disturbing that this isn’t illegal in the states from
what I read (although I hope I am wrong) when it honestly should be
especially when it comes to tampering with condoms and birth control
since the partner is under the impression that everything is fine. I
guess we just have to wait around like we did for rape within a marriage
to finally became illegal. Which reminded me of what happened to
another woman (WW) who her husband (WM) raped her in her sleep to
impregnate her, confessed to it, but she didn’t want to press charges
because she didn’t want to break up the family – exactly what he hoped
for. Their marriage was falling apart and he wanted to keep her tied to
him in some way since the kids were getting older. She resents and hates
him to her core but still wanted family
counseling. It was a terrible thing to see and it’s not as if the kids
can’t see the divide or that the internet won’t exist when they become
old enough that they could end up seeing that episode.
I honestly wished
she had left him and had him prosecuted. Some
things should just be considered wrong point blank and be punishable
instead of waiting around for more people to become victims that can’t
get some form of justice. It really takes a cruel person to trap
someone, man or woman. It’s all about them. Not the other person and
certainly not the baby.
As an adult, the sons and daughters left
behind by their fathers in the BC really should focus their resentment
on the person who abandoned them physically, financially and emotionally
over the person that stayed. The BC embraces the “forgive BM for any
and all sins” even when they should be demanding more BM take
responsibility for their actions. The BB and BG who have both parents in
their lives (especially those whose parents are married) are no longer
the norm and it does nothing to help the BC that so many claim they
want to save. BG think that marriage and happily ever after isn’t for
them and they only see the dysfunctional routes other BW in their lives
have taken as their guide to womanhood. And BB forget about their anger
and sadness about being abandoned by their fathers and repeat the same
cycle (it’s now a gag online for BM and BB to pretend to have father
time with their dads but show he’s not there and non black friends are
shown with their fathers) and find it easiest to blame BW for
everything. Often times, it’s the mother that stays to be the adult
and yet despite everything she is hated as if she didn’t do the job of
two parents. Also, it really annoys me when deadbeat parents come around
years later, when no child support to worry about and the child is an
adult, trying to act like they tried so hard to be a parent when they
ran from their responsibilities. In the times I saw this happen, the
adult child just forgives and acts like everything is okay yet their
resentment for the mother who stayed remained or somewhat thawed. At the
end of the day, the evil WM isn’t destroying what is the BC. That
community has been destroying each other for decades.
There was also a Law and Order SVU episode about this topic featuring John Stamos.
I know that I said that I was not going to watch TS anymore but a video came through on youtube last night and what interested me was the title. The guest stated that bm were the cause of the fall of the bc and not bw. Well anyway, he brought that guy on there and convinced him that his mother messed things up with his dad. That his dad was not at fault. It was pitiful to watch. He is really doing a number on bm with this rhetroric. Really dangerous because he had a lot of white people on there. TS is really on a mission to ruin black women’s reputation and not enough bw know about him.
There are SO many things I’ve learned here that I had absolutely no clue about before following BB&W. This is NOT one of them. I was definitely aware of this behavior among men in general, but most specifically with BM. Many of the BW I have known told me about this behavior.
Definitely not something that would happen to me. I’ve chosen to focus on settling my life before I date and before I do that, I plan to get sterilized. I have no intention of having kids. Ever. No taking any chances with that for me.
I’m afraid my sister and her husband are battling this issue with their daughter right now. My niece is a 19 year old college student and the boy in question is a 20 year old Colombian kid. He’s convinced her to move-in with him, take a “semester” off and help him take care of his Mom, disabled sister and his abuela (grandmother).
While eaves dropping, my sister hears conversations between the two of them ranging from marriage to kids. My brother-in-law, her stepfather, has banned boyfriend from the house and threaten him but that hasn’t done any good. It just pushes them closer together. The parents have been trying to gain some control over this situation but the kids haven’t relinquished much. They were, however, asked to help with finding them a place to live away from his family. Truthfully what’s to stop them from slowing moving on in? Ugh! Times like these I’m glad I don’t have kids.LOL
Someone needs to explain to her that she is being used.
NewSavannahD12 Just…wow.
oceanspray I agree. The more her parents talk, the faster she stops listening. Dude had the nerve to say she’s a grown woman who can make her own decisions. That comment got him booted off the property. He’s a slick one indeed. *sigh* It’s a mess!
It’s also a great thing to hold against a woman. I know this first hand. My ex always had fresh material (still does even though our child is grown). I’m too strict, not strict enough. He bragged about the imaginary gazzillions he was giving me in child support. He could show off any small thing he did for his daughter as proof he was the good parent and I’m the bad one. If anything went right, it was because of his minimal contribution, when things went wrong, obviously it’s because I suck as a parent. He can’t stop talking about how great of a dad he was and I’m some mean bitch stealing his money and turning his kid against him. It’s perfect and a great way to make new female victims sympathize.
I just laugh because he is the one with 3 OOW kids. I have 1 (who is in college funded by me and my current non-BM fiancé). It’s easy to keep having kids when you get a ticker-tape parade for doing the barest of the bare minimum.
I tell my single friends to run like hell if a man has more than 1 OOW child. He will more than likely have no problem repeating the trend with you.
Yes!!!! On point!!! Very relevant! We need to start having more of these conversations.
You know, I think it’s going to get worse before it gets better. Younger women are falling for the okey doke mainly because you can’t tell them anything. My grandmother always said, “a hard head makes a soft behind”. Make a few lumps for some unfortunate few will make other ladies realize that it’s not the life what they want.
OMG!! She’s being used as a mammy and mule!!! Duped by love!! This is sad….. I hope he does not attach anchor babies to her…. the nerve of this man!! Nothing is more romantic than “hey, can you help me take care of my family?, I’m in need”. They go and get the black women to do this… why not step to a latina with the sob story? When they are with them they keep two jobs and a hustle to maintain, when they get with black women, it’s yea I love her because she works hard….. smh… my heart goes out to these young women…. it seems they are swapping DBRs.
You’re only helping him by watching him…. ignore his ass and he will go away… make it hard for him to do what he does. You just gave him advertisement.
I had an ex that came back into my life and wanted to date. He had 3 kids by 3 different women. When I asked why he never married, he said he was afraid of commitment, LOL!! I laughed! I’m like you about to be committed to 3 separate households until the youngest turns 18, and if they go to college, forget it!!! He bragged about making $100k a year, I’m like negro please, it’s more like 33k because all that money going to child support.
Why do black women need to know about a man who lives to insult them? No thank you.
NewSavannahD12
Don’t get mad at me but stop watching that waste of ‘human’ flesh. In his mind BW are nothing more than expendable. Imagine being ‘his’ mother.
Superwoman100
Stop making me laugh- you mean in addition to all the other things BW do for BM we have to ‘take them to vote? I’m betting he didn’t think about how that reinforces the impotency of BM but hey…
suggest that black women take the men in their lives to vote.
Happens more than you think!
Your ex had some serious balls- no pun intended! They have no shame at all. When men complain about paying child support to numerous baby mamas I always say “it can’t be that bad if you keep making more babies” I’m convinced that they keep doing this to have someone to blame for their crappy lives. They are broke because of the baby mama, can’t keep job because of her, get arrested because of her. Without OOW babies they would have to blame themselves for their problems and we all know that won’t happen! Another thing, marriage means the man would have to assume a responsibility that he can’t just push off on the woman. Everyone acknowledges women bare the most blame for child rearing in and out of marriage but a man (even a BM GASP) is expected to fulfill certain requirements in a marriage. That’s the real reason they won’t get married.
This is the evil old lady speaking again. Divest of these men, period. If
ever there were men who needed to be bred out of existence, it would be these
fools. BW need to make sure they aren’t
just an endangered species but make real sure these misplaced DNA samples go
extinct. I say BW better get seriously
busy with that task. Any group of men willing to do this to women who look like
them should be handled in exactly this manner. Take no prisoners!
As far as YBW staying tied in to any of this madness, I’ve
said often much of this all ties back to BW Stockholm Syndrome. I swear, while I understand much of what
might motivate a woman to keep the off spring from some man who has done this
to her, I am heartless on this, I know the very thought of ‘abortion’ makes most
BW uncomfortable- faith, etc. . I would
be at the abortion clinic or doctor so fast his Fking head would spin and let’s
be clear there’d be NO DISCUSSION. It’s
so sad that so many YBW don’t realize, it really is your body, you really do
have the right your rules and you truly have the right to live some of your
dreams, not someone else’s. All of this
just seems like more of the same to me. Bitter, conquered BM grabbing at the
last remaining shred of power they think they have immortality and silly BW
who’ll let them destroy their lives. I have a tough time with this one, how
much of a human door mat will BW continue to be?
Nubia Born
One must first have the capacity to love, must’ one? Smacks of anything but love to me.
Duped by love!!
dbrooks109
you.got.that.right!
Especially now. Given the perception that Black “men” get laid all the time, more and more White men are becoming wiggers and these days the Asian men are Black-identifying and turning into what we call Chiggers. Some Chinese think that’s sort of unfair [boo effing hoo, Lei Feng…] but since the Chinese outnumber all others, I say it’s OK.
So, be doubly cautious on the Blasian thing.
Neecy’s nest wrote in a blog post that it’s important to date an established guy who shared your goals rather than the struggling guy regardless of race. Struggling guy wilI use you, give you a baby and when he makes it, will kick you to the curb to get the woman he REALLY wants. Examples: Keisha Knight-Pulliam, Torrei Hart and Michel’le.
Link to the post here:
https://neecysnest.wordpress.com/2014/09/16/random-thoughts-for-the-day-when-bw-are-good-for-the-struggle-and-not-the-celebration/
True
Melmendi “It’s easy to keep having kids when you get a ticker-tape parade for doing the barest of the bare minimum.”
Your post reminds me of when I was online dating and met a “single father”. Something stunk. It was the story. He tried to make it seem like his ex wasn’t in his daughters life. She was 5 days a week and he had her on weekends or every other weekend. I see this happening a lot. Men claim that they are the man caretaker of the children all while it is the opposite, their ex is.
I caught him in the lie and he had to come clean. I was sort of shocked at the time ( a few years ago) now I’ve heard men brag more and more about “taking care of their kids”. News flash: you get no prizes for doing what you are supposed to do, assuming you are actually doing it.
trinigirl1 Superwoman100 Yes, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, it changed my whole mood!
We should pull them by the hand like young children, blows my mind.
Girl! All men have the crazy ex story! Look BW are not always perfect but even a 15 year old mom is doing her best 9 times out of ten (even if it is a feeble attempt, she tries). Men that brag about how great parents they are and how awful the mom is screams red flag. Can this be true? Of course. But let’s be real, how many truly bad mothers does anyone know and how many shi**y fathers? Ladies, if your kids’ dad tries to make you look bad, do what I did. My ex told the judge that I was horrible, no proof or details just a blanket lie. I asked the judge if I could ask him 3 questions. I asked my ex to tell the court the name of our child’s dr, teachers’ name and what book she likes to hear before bed. I then told the judge that any father who couldn’t answer all 3 questions was unqualified to comment on my parenting skills. That was the last time his dumb ass challenged me in court U0001f602.
Don’t let these fools make you feel bad for doing your best. No one is perfect but at least we stick around and try which is more than what they do!
@Nubia Born Yes yes yes! In many ways being a bw is a blessing because they are not checking for anything brown nowadays. I have friends who are WW – professional and educated who are getting suckered by these losers. This one creep gave 5 women in my office the exact same cheap teddy bear, including a WW gf of mine. I tried to warn her but he was stroking her delicate ego saying I was jealous because I’m not curvy enough for a BM. LOL! I told my gf at 5’7″ 125lbs, I have a man who built me my dream house on the water, takes me on several trips a year, protects me, loves me and wants to marry me. My skinny ass will take that over that toxic piece of trash any day of the week!
So with you. It is a difficult topic because bw tend to be religious but we need to educate ourselves about science. A fertilized egg is not a baby. It is not. My daughter is 22 and I tell her to never be uncomfortable about coming to me about money to terminate. I will gladly pay it to keep an ashy ninja out of my gene pool. Thank god she is vigilant with her bc but I want her to know I have zero hang ups about ending a process before it becomes a child and neither should she. A very bitter pill for most bw but not me.
Not sure exactly why so many black women seem to be inexplicably drawn to narcissistic personalities. But it’s kind of hard not to acknowledge that most of the blame lies with not avoiding guys who are just absolutely full of themselves. Stay away from guys who are always trying to promote an image.
Melmendi Careful telling your office friends about how good your husband is to you.
They wouldnt step to a Latina that way because a Latina wouldnt tolerate that bs. Black women need to stop entertainng these dudes.
trinigirl1 Nubia Born You know she thinks she’s in love.*eye roll* She thinks they’re going to last foooreeever. And if he wasn’t a life stealing con artist I’d be the first to wish her well. I think her parents should cut her off. If she wants to shack up with Pablo Escobar let her do it on her dime.
I agree with you. However, the women are also the problem. They seem to enjoy that energy. They have choices but refuse to practice sound ones. So they will just repeat the notions with non black men. In 2016, if black women are largely still choosing badly it’s because they want to. Not because they have to. And that’s when black men like these just become the manifestation of their choices. Those women will go on to choose wiggas and worse ones, on purpose. Bringing down the collective value of bw once again. The power lies in black women to save black women. It really always has.
Because their parents are kids, too. Refusing to learn anything but have all the time in the world to impregnate and give birth.
So true. The gf I warned was actually a good friend. Thank god she got away from that man and now has a lovely husband.
I literately can’t tell you how many girls that went to high school with me (some my year, some 2-3 years older) who just like me were on the path to go to college and to graduate. But then one summer they get pregnant with their boo’s at the time and support this whole vision of black love only to (and usually after the baby shower) that these guys leave them and they have their parents helping to raise their kids again. I really think the majority of it is black women thinking that black love is the only okay love. Again some of the black women also have had this done with non-black men and the same result of them leaving and it still blows my mind that women deem themselves okay to this.
This reminds me of an episode of Law and Order SVU season 12 episode 22-Bang. John Stamos’s character was just going around screwing any woman that’ll let him (and also sabotaging birth control for ex. poking holes in condoms) and having children everywhere. He surely wasn’t thinking about how all of the others were supposed to support his children. And his character was married.
Boy, BM should be glad that society isn’t more strict about procreation or reproductive rights because there will be more people that would want to sterilize the people/populations that are more dependent on government assistance and then justify it as protecting the quality of the population.
I remember that episode! I was shocked to see all of those women and children. He was so ecstatic about it.
OT
Hey Everybody
So I’ve been
abandoned by Savage Tango for this evening’s show, no really, it’s Lady Smooth’s
birthday today and they’re celebrating- so I’ll be on at 7:00PM EST all alone
ready to talk about whatever’s happening in the news, our lives or
whatever! I’ll stay on air for 30
minutes if nobody joins me talking about current events- hope some of you can
come by for ‘Happy Hour’ call me at 657-383-0801
Happy Birthday to Lady Smooth!
· I am live right now, join in Savage is here
after all!
657-383-0801
Yeah I know, and the thing that got me is that he really felt that he wasn’t in the wrong. It’s frightening that there are people (both men and women) have, are, and will do this to another person with no qualms whatsoever and the ensuing consequences of these actions like potential half-siblings getting married to each other and having children with each other without realizing it. It’s just sad and sickening at the same time. Which leads me to support like a worldwide genome project (because in that particular episode he had OOW in other countires) concentrating on people’s genetic genealogy, if we don’t have one already, to try and lessen that issue.
Thank you to the
ladies and Savage! Suddenly we were off the air J
PJ Dean Writer, Dezzi, Ole Skool, Let’s play lose the host? The system spoke. Hopefully next Tuesday we’ll
chat again.
Superwoman100 “Men claim that they are the man caretaker of the children all while it is the opposite, their ex is”
So true! These colorists DBR-BM are never the prime caretaker of their kids cause they just a bunch of gold diggers and low lifers up to no good.
“you get no prizes for doing what you are supposed to do, assuming you are actually doing it”
I just laugh when I hear dudes bragging or complaining about this as if it’s something they should be worshiped for this or shouldn’t have to do it at all. This is why BM as a demographic are so lame and laughed upon by every other race of men, they always sound like a bunch of little two year-olds and they make the classy BM look bad, even though they rarely ever call out these DBRs so they deserve some of the blame as well. These dudes need to grow the hell up and act like men and NOT infants/toddlers.
I run like hell if they gave 1 OOW kid!
I run like hell if they have 1 OOW kid. To me if a man can walk away from his flesh and blood I don’t trust him to do right by me.
OT
Thanks again ladies here is last night’s broadcast
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/loveinblackandwhite/2016/10/18/talking-about-current-events-10-18-2016
BiracialHipster of all colors…..
BreannaNouveaux if these women don’t CHANGE.. and get SMART when it comes to men… their descendents may lose everything women gained in the past 60 years
Cloe H the problem is.. there are not enough older women to try to talk to these young girls—
(but it cant be someone they are connected with.. especially not a mom or parent,)
it has to be another connected adult—but these young women, that are getting degrees, etc… need to watch out in case of getting attached to guys who aren’t any good for them—
Nubia Born ….WOW……
Cloe H KEEP TALKING CLOE…..
she may listen to you eventually… BTW.. did you try to give her ‘advice’ BEFORE she ended up with this guy??
did she have any sisters, or cousins who went through stuff like this??
she has to learn somewhere…. you cant CHANGE MEN… in fact women will ‘try’
When I was younger, I’ve seen my sister end up with a guy, which wasn’t any good for her…and was married about two years before he started getting abusive–I’ve learned what type of guy to stay away from
oceanspray it depends on the latina woman…
Superwoman100 its why… young women need advice—on finding a GOOD MAN TO MARRY … and why its different than being in a career…. and not try to be in a position to ‘chase men’
trinigirl1 Its like…. women trying to choose a good car..but keep getting lemons, with different chassis, and colors.. but the same ENGINE
these aren’t only BW who are into this.. i know of a few WW who keep getting lemons
which they have to ‘JUNK’ all the time.. but have a few kids in tow as she does it…
Nubia Born 100,000 ??
nope.. probably even less that that.. after taxes..
Melmendi you two should TIE THE KNOT SOON.. since fiancee is ‘limboland’ or can be
We need to be more realistic and open about abortions in the black community. I hate to see my sisters out here in continuous cycles of poverty because they didn’t have full knowledge of their reproductive choices. Birth control can be more than just pills and condoms.
gooliegirl2000 I grew up in a time where it was shameful to have a baby out of wedlock. Not that some girls here and there didn’t get pregnant, but if they weren’t sent south, they endured the shame. I mentioned the habit of sending unmarried pregnant girls south to a young girl and she couldn’t believe it. I guess because it’s so common now. I told her to ask her mother for confirmation. There were no pregnant girls in my graduating class. We were all college bound with career aspirations. There was one in my sister’s class, a friend of hers, who was maybe 5 months along. She married the father as was prevalent then.
ChocolateDiva As well you should run. Run and run fast.
darkandlovely gooliegirl2000
Get this, I knew a family that sent the girl away with this phony explanation and the Mother padded her belly and pretended to be pregnant to avoid the shame. Of course you just did not openly parade an out of wedlock pregnancy back in the day where I grew up.
Law Wanxi dbrooks109
Good night, Chiggers. My first hearing of this. Hate to hear that. I want to believe in the stereotype of hyper intelligent Asians, family oriented and too smart to buy into the hype. But where I grew up there where these insects called Chiggers. So tiny you could hardly see them. They burrowed in your skin, made these extremely itchy bumps and there they died. Would not want to be called a Chigger on both counts.
Cloe H trinigirl1 Nubia Born
It is so sad when these girls see something in a male that is just not there.
zipporah oceanspray
I agree, I have worked with Latinas that have tolerated a lot of bs for family and boyfriends. They do where I live. My Grandson’s girlfriend is getting bitter because she has to pay her Mom’s rent to her own detriment and has had to take a second job to stay afloat financially. She does not seem to be able to stop the abuse.
zipporah Cloe H LOL, I was just talking to a friend about women who take care of men, and I said, “where are their mentors, elders, mothers, grandmothers, tribe?!?”
If I ever tried any of this foolishness, I’d have a host of women pulling my tail!
Melmendi I know a man who’s finding out the hard way, that the bare minimum he did as a parent (that he was so lauded for by his peers) was not enough to keep him from being lonely in his old age.
He’s my father. Sending me birthday cards with “call me” and his number that I ignore.
I think it’ll get worse but never better…