What Black Men Say When Black Women Aren’t Around

What do men talk about when women aren’t around? Is the conversation different based on the races, ages and culture of the men?

Did you ever wish you could be a fly on the wall in a barber shop, or maybe in the locker room so that you could hear for yourself?

There are a rare few places that a woman can catch unfiltered male conversation. It is where men congregate without the presence of women around to chastise, criticize or question them. The absence of women isn’t literal, there are some women around, but these women aren’t ‘real women’, as in, these women are powerless to do anything about these men’s point of views.

It’s no surprise that men behave a certain way among each other; they think women would not be receptive to certain behaviors and opinions so these are whispered words among ‘insiders’ only and in safe environments (without women).

When men aren’t allowed or are unwilling to be honest and open then women are left to presume certain beliefs about men or they create their own version of what they think men feel and believe.

Of course, as you can see, I am a female, and so some of these conversations went on because the men either A) didn’t think me a ‘real woman’ worthy of polite conversation or B) maybe I wasn’t seen as someone who is ‘uptight’ because I didn’t argue back with them regarding their opinions or C) maybe they didn’t give a fuck what I thought and said what they said because that’s how they felt and I should report back tog Woman Land with my new knowledge or D) they could/would fire me, or cut my throat and dump me behind a warehouse if I had an opinion on their opinion of women.

Not all unfiltered male conversation is derogatory and bad though. And what was derogatory had nothing to do with class, race or education, the most educated on down to the ignorant have their specific feelings about Black women.

Some of what I learned about men came from platonic male friends who were just happy to have someone to listen to them and not judge them for their honest feelings.

Some of what I know came from lovers, married, separated, taken, single and otherwise, as they discussed the many, many reasons they found themselves seeking the comforts of a woman in a non-traditional sense.

What do Black men say about Black women when we women aren’t around?  

She doesn’t like to have sex and/or fellatio/cunnilingus…they never really use those terms but you get the idea.

If I had a nickel for each time I heard this one, baby, I’d be so rich!

I’m not sure how to go about taking a head count on who gives head behind closed doors but I will say I think the younger girls are over the stigma of oral sex and so this point becomes moot the younger you are.

However, there’s something strange brewing in the bedrooms of younger Black men, I’ll need time and space elsewhere to go into details. For now I’ll say that BW are rumored to dislike oral sex on the receiving and the giving end.

I’m presuming this is related to the slave master/rape/chaste/respectability mind fuck that make some BW feel they are dirty and that no man would enjoy being ‘down there’ or that their vagina’s are only for thrusting and birthing babies and not for the sexual pleasure of themselves or their mate. There are also those men who don’t want their wife and mother of their kids to do ‘that’ but they have no problem paying a toothless whore $20 to do the same function. There’s another story in there somewhere, but I digress…

Either way, men, of all races. enjoy oral sex. And I’m not saying that BW don’t do the do, I’m saying theses are the complaints of Black men whose wives don’t.

Many BM seek to give and receive and wish to feel that they are pleasing and giving pleasure to their mate and not that they are forcing a certain sex act on her.

I feel bad for those guys who are married and can’t get their wives to meet them in the bedroom the way they desire. If and when he does voice his preference he may be met with a reaction that is intended to shame his wants and that really sucks.

Some women use shame as a control tactic, when you signed up for ‘all that’ too bad for you that you didn’t know it included Lego pieces, popcorn and toe nail clippings, eh?

He may be faced with a woman who is not on the same level as he when it comes to comfort and an experimental nature. If I could tell you about the amount of Black women who have sex with their husbands like they are rape victims. Or those who offer themselves only under certain conditions like only at night, on a holiday or special occasional  only during a meteor shower, only when the kids aren’t in the house, or only on the very rare occasion.

She may be ashamed of her body and hide it during sex, and while she’s focused on her own dislike of her body she’s not mentally present in bed with her man.

I hear all type of things, often from curiosity, I don’t think its an intention to compare as one better than the other but rather a man’s attempt to understand that not all women are like the woman that he has at home.

More times than not, he wants to know how to make her be like me, and not wishing that I would take her place.

Most men, who have this complaint would like to have all of their business handled by the woman he chose to marry/be with.

I encourage my male friends to vet their women according to their wants and needs. It’s the same exact thing I tell females to do.

A woman can claim to be willing to do ‘marital’ things in bed once married but any man who greatly values sex will want to work out details of sex before marriage.

There are many, many, many sexually unfulfilled couples (men &women) who are in sexless marriages. They may have love but when he starts stepping out to get his needs met, or if he’s got a physical brick wall up to protect him from your emotional wall and sexual distance, don’t be surprised when he leaves or cheats.

Black women rope men into marriages but then drop the ball and hold him to the standard ‘of death do us part’ while both parties are no more than roommates who share a last name.

Your husband does not want to have to convince and beg you into having sex with him. Grown folks will want to do grown people things and if you aren’t willing to do certain things you will find that the need gets repressed but it does not go away.

Feeling obligated to have sex isn’t healthy either so if a woman feels she has problems in the bedroom she should address them. If there are things that can be done to increase her desire to have sex, then she should tell her husband, if it gets both of you to a happy medium there’s no reason to not try to work things out.

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, and I think some women spend so much time focusing on the value of their lack of sex (virginity/chastity) prior to marriage that they forget to be prepared for the day when they do settle down into a marriage.

I also realize that sexual abuse can affect a woman and her ability to be comfortable in bed. If that is the case then there are therapists who specialize in such things. There is a huge amount of Black women’s sex literature being published online, there are images, stories, message boards and other places one can find resources if need be.

Any issue that is so  huge as to affect a woman’ s sexual performance should be addressed before attempting to settle down with a man, or at the very least, a woman should be willing to inform him of her problems so that he can be mindful of her needs and patient while she works on them.

Keeping information such as sexual abuse or sexual dysfunction from someone you are in a relationship with is another indicator that Black couples are partnering but they sure as Hell aren’t a healthy couple.

Not all couples have sex, so if you wish to have a marriage where sex is not a priority. then I suggest you discuss this ahead of time.

Society views Black men as disposable humans, worthless mates, scary monster and disgusting sexual predators. You married him and he should not have to feel that way when he turns to the woman who is supposed to want and desire him for who is.

It’s a train wreck of a situation for both parties.

Much of what was said to me was done because of my biracial ambiguous physical features, anytime I would defend or protest on behalf of Black women, I was reminded that I’m not really Black and/or that I was ‘different’ from other Black women.

And though it may sound strange to say, maybe I am different.

Rather than condemnation, I felt curious, sad and hopeful at what I learned from Black men of what they see, live and experience as they love Black women.

Next: What Black Men Say About Black Women and Her Kids

The Man Myth