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Just to clarify things, I believe there are a lot of black men out there that are good faithful husbands and excellent fathers. One of my closest friends has been married to his wife for almost 30 years and I've never known him to cheat or forgo his duties as a father. He has even taken on the father role to his grandson whose biological sperm donor abandoned him and his mother. By no means, do I believe black men are all evil.
My condemnation of some irresponsible black men, by no means nullifies the respect I have for many. I have been involved with black women in IR relationships off and on, for a combined 12 years (about 4 girls). You may be surprised to know every single one of them decided to try an IR relationship because the last black guy they dated treated them pretty shabbily. I was always a little self conscious about women that seemed to think of me as the white guy express out of Blackistan!
While I do not consider myself an expert on BM/BW relationships, I am certainly no novice either. My impressions are formed by the experiences black women have confided to me about, and from insights I've learned from working around black men for 36 years. The older ones (40+) usually have a lot more character when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. I've read many thousands of posts over the years from black women about the disrespect they recieve from many of the young men in the black community. Nothing I've ever written couldn't be backed up by the numerous postings of frustrated BW on numerous BWE websites.
Sometimes I forget to clarify with the words "some" or "many", but it's usually after I've spent hours reading some of them, and what I write would be considered harmless compared some of the vitriol I've read! I'm a bit of an insomniac lately and I'm having trouble battling my diabetes. When my blood sugar is too low, and it's late in the evening, your lucky to get a coherent word from my keyboard. LOL. I'll try to remember my adjectives in the future!
CAPT SMOOTH One apology is enough ;) No need to self-flagellate.
CAPT SMOOTH I understand perfectly.
Re the DM. Hubby has the same problem. But is it really a problem? Since you no longer punch the clock you can sleep in or nap at will. Once we took that tack we no longer worry about getting up in the middle of the night.
Brenda55
I do take a lot of naps but sometimes feel guilty for doing it. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything. When my mother passed away 6 years ago, I moved all of her stuff into my house and we are slowly but surely still going through it. The woman was a huge pack rat! Those people on hoarders were amateurs compared to her. My garage is still half full of boxes of stuff. I have to bring myself to go through them carefully in fear of throwing out some family heirlooms or papers that I don't want to fall into the hands of identity thieves.
Her last 4 years she was suffering through alzheimers and caring for her left me little time to maintain repairs around my house (painting walls, replacing floors and minor plumbing work. So now I'm trying to carch up on those things too! On the bright side, I'm certainly not bored sitting around the house watching tv.
CAPT SMOOTH I feel ya...well not literally but you know what I mean.
Hubby and I were the primary care givers for his mom fopr three years befor she passed on. Since she lived in an apartment we had a limited time to vacate her apartment, get a funeral together and they have her remains shipped out to San Diego for burial. W had her belonging moved to a storage unit and it well over a year to go through her things and distribute them to my husband's kids.
We still have stuff in our home as I am typing this and she had been dead for nearly 8 years. You do this in stages, layer after layer.
It can get overwhelming and face it a little sad. If your goal is to get your house back you may want to pack the lot up and put it in storage and then go to the unity every few days to work through the contents. But at least you have your space the way you like it and some of your normal back.
In the end take it easy on your self and decompress for the care giving deal that takes more time than you think. .
Brenda55
One of the hardest things is having to get rid of a lot of my mothers embroidery work that she spent hours on while watching tv. I've offered it to my sisters who have the scentimentality of a garden rake and neither one of them want it. My brother and I are keeping a few pieces , but there is so much that if I kept it all, it would give my house a more effeminate appearance than a single guy should display! I remember the intricate work that went into each piece and don't just want to give it to Goodwill. My last chance to find a new home for it is her younger sister in New England, so I'm checking with her tonight.
CAPT SMOOTH There are some women on this site who do needle work and may want the pieces of could help you find a good home for them. Post something in the Off Topic thread while it is still new and thus attracting the most attention.
Another solution is to Freecycle them. There are collectors, theater companies, decorators out there who may want them and would appreciate them. We got rid of a lot of my MIL's stuff that way.
CAPT SMOOTH Please don't make me go down the comments to keep up. I understand and do not think anyone is a bigot who comes here and earnestly works with us to have this dialogue. It is hard, for all of us who write (commenters write as much as the authors do sometimes) to be balanced and fair and not use general terms. Sometimes these posts can turn into a mud slinging contest. I dislike tearing one group down to raise up the alternative. I noticed that we have more readers and if our audience is increasing its more important now than ever before to stay focused on uplifting MEN who are good, upstanding and worthy and identifying BEHAVIOR that is harmful to all no matter what shade we are. Can't have 'good white men' and 'bad black men' conversations without confusing the intention of the comment.
Some women may hold very damaged views of Black men in general, and skewed ideals of non-Black men, which only shifts the dysfunction from one race to another if they;re coming here to learn. I hope to not have offended anyone. When I push back, I do so for clarity and because I think it necessary for discussion's sake. I appreciate everyone's comments whether they agree with me or not, just so you know.
tracyreneejones CAPT SMOOTH Thank-you for writing this. The posters who regurlarly post here usually are not trolls and closets racists. I feel comfortable enough with most to offer the benefit of a doubt of to at least ask for clerification of a point befor pouncing.
I will admit that I am very happy to see more non-black men participating on this site and I hope they they continue to do so and that more follow. They add so much to the dscussions being had here. I would also like to see suportive black men welcomed here also. Supportive meaning wanting to discuss black woman's issures and IRR concerns re. black woman/ non-black man's perspective and not bent on derailing our conversations to once again talk about the plight of the black male. There are loads of places online to have that conversation.
Brenda55 tracyreneejones CAPT SMOOTH I have had more Black men than I can count give me a "thumbs up" or nod of approval when they have seen me with my wife and frankly they deserve MUCH more attention than the idiots.
As per usual.....an excellent post. I've been reading some of the comments, a combination of excellent, interesting, tragic, and why are you even on this damn webste. Mysmile...you're saving yourself for the right time. Do not let anyone try and make you feel odd, wrong, weird, simple or silly about the choice that you made...FOR YOUR LIFE. Stand strong, embrace what works for you in your journey. Be your own role model. As I've gone on in life I've realized folks have a lot of shit to say about how other folks run their life, based on their own experiences, insecurities, strengths and weaknesses. Listening, to honest, thoughtful opinions and sharing of experiences may help you on your quest. I'm one of those 'choice zealots'. As for therapy....hell, we could all use someone as a sounding board that has nothing to win or lose, so to speak, other than a paycheck and a need to help. If you have had some sort of undealt with trauma...rape, incest, spousal abuse, POW...whatever it maybe...therapy is an excellent option. You know what amuses me about the entire 'whore', 'slut' thing? You call a talented, well paid working girl a 'slut' she'll rip your head off? Why? To the working girl, a 'slut' is a fool who gives a valuable commodity, herself, away for free. Then of course, to a self-proclaimed 'slut', the power is not in the money...but in the control that she exercises over whom she engages in sexual activity. To the 'slut' a whore is a fool that is beholden to her male customers, and therefore not actually making a 'choice'. Definition depend on your perspective...... JMO
Don't let black guys define the term whore, because thay don't have a clue how to use it. They just know it's a derogatory term that they can use whenever they can't get what they want from black women.
1. Won't give up the booty? HO!
2. Give up the booty too fast? HO!
3. Let a white guy appreciate your booty...er body? HO!
4. Let a white guy have access to your booty? Super Slutty HO!
5. Won't fix him dinner after he's out all night chasing someone elses booty? HO!
6. Come up pregnant because he won't use a condom? HO!
7. Won't make him a ham sandwich? HO!
etc, etc,etc...
A whore is another term for prostitute for people who have trouble with three syllable words. Unfortunately the constant barrage of the misuse and abuse of this word has left some BW feeling there can't be any middle ground. It's either virgin or whore? A woman is not a whore if she confines sex to the parameters of a monogamous relationship. I do not have indiscriminate sex. Most of my long term relationships have involved sex (I did date one virgin for about 3 months). None of these girls would I consider "whores" (well... come to think of it, there was Janet, but that slut screwed around on me all the time, I later found out!).
Pre-marital sex does not make anybody a "HO"! Casual sex with anybody without any emotional attachment makes you a "HO" or "slut"! Which would make the majority of men in the world "HO's". If your choice is to stay virtuous until the right guy or marriage comes along that shows "character"! There is a lot of pressure going against you and for you to successfully hold onto your principles is admireable. You've escaped blackistan alive and child free. Be proud!
I've also seen women get caught up in relationships with guys. She thinks their exclusive. He sees it as 'Friends With Benefits.' He's just having fun. But he's not bothering to tell her that. Or he's being vague about where the relationship is going. Women have been known to do the same to men. But I'm specifically speaking for the women. There was a story on another site about a black man in the army that mostly dated white women. He gamed a 19 year old black girl who was a virgin into having sex with him. She introduced him to her family. Then he dumped her. Claiming he had to leave the country for the army so they couldn't continue the relationship anymore. He knew that from jump street. Because he was bragging to other men on a web forum how he gamed a woman that was a virgin into having sex with him. And how he was going back to dating white women. Another reason why women must vet men and be careful.
If a man is pressuring you have to sex when your not ready. That's a red flag that you need to run from that person. Because they are not respecting your standards or boundaries. There are men who like to chase women that are virgins. They will pretend to want a relationship with you so they can have sex with you and then dump you. And if they're only after sex. There are thousands of other women they could find who will have sex with them. That's why its important to determine what you want in a relationship. And vet your future partner to determine if they are the right one for you.
kia "There are men who like to chase women that are virgins. They will pretend to want a relationship with you so they can have sex with you and then dump you. "
True! I've had guys (who I wasn't in any type of relationship with) ask if they could me my first...um, no lol smh.... I've waited this long so I'm not just going to give it up to anybody!
Exactly! - Beware of those type of men! They are predators! Its fun for them to chase and physcologically break women down into trusting them so they will have sex with them. Its all a game with those type of men. They will either make fun of your choices. Or pretend to be nice to you to get you to change your mind. Fortunately not all men are like that. But that's also why its important to vet men.
kia But is it so bad to give 'it up' to a man simply because a woman chose to do so? I'm wondering about those women who just wanted it to be gone with the wind, and in a non-stress environmental, sometimes those circumstances are bought on by things outside of the norm. I know of virgins who just decided the time and place and made it be as varied as any other sexually active person may be motivated to do.People always presume that waiting means a woman is waiting for a person, she may also be waiting for an opportunity, and no one can determine that time but her. There simply are no rules to a woman's sex life. I'm hopeful more women will begin to realize this is entirely up to her wants, needs and desires.
I'm specifically speaking of the women that decide to wait to have sex for personal reasons. Whether its waiting for an exclusive relationship or marriage. And I'm warning them about the type of men that will try to game them or who will attempt to try to change their mind. I don't judge other people's sex lives. I'm not here to police other people's sex lives. Some women will choose not to wait. And will engage in casual sex outside of a relationship. And that's fine too. Not everyone wants the same thing. For them I say - Use protection and enjoy yourself!
tracyreneejones kia
Who me? Aww, no you're the ish lol..
I think the best time is whenever you're (truly) ready for it....I'm just saying that a couple of guys asked that just because that's the only thing that was on their mind and not getting to know me..and for me, getting to know someone is important...and some of them already knew that..but would ask (in a disrespectful way) anyway... It's also the way they let you know they're interested in sex with you that's important (some guys are more subtle and some are just completely out of line with their approach)
When a guy doesn't want to date me because of the no sex thing...it can feel like rejection at first... but I can't really be mad at somebody for wanting to have sex sooner or being used to getting sex on a regular...so I try to save us both some trouble.
I never thought of it like a woman may just be waiting for an opportunity instead of the right person. I guess we don't think that because women usually have plenty of opportunities and all types of guys trying to have sex with her..... so most women who don't have sex are abstaining by choice...
MySmile kia I'll say this, I fell prey to a person chasing me for uncooth reasons, and he was also my first 'O' so not all of what the men are introducing is a bad thing, per say. But definitely, wait until you are ready and cool beans that you are empathetic and understanding of the nice guys who inquire but move on because you two are not on the same page. There are some women who would take that as a rejection, instead, you seem to take it as different strokes for different folks/non judgmental. Very refreshing to see men respect your boundaries with abstaining and you seem to respect their choice to chose not to abstain, just as well. You da ish....
MySmile kia
To some guys a virgin is the ultimate conquest! A girl that has not been sullied by another guys penis. A female virgin nowadays is about as rare as a black guy that uses a condom!
CAPT SMOOTH MySmile kia Please lighten up with the racial bias. It's as ugly coming from white people against blacks as from anyone else. Unless you've spent ample time screwing Black men I haven't a clue as to how you know what they each do based on race. Even it its a joke, its offensive. Aren't we able to move past general derogatory statements based on race here?
tracyreneejones CAPT SMOOTH MySmile kia Glad you said it Tracy ... it needed to be said.
DWB tracyreneejones CAPT SMOOTH MySmile kia x2
KingsDaughter DWB tracyreneejones
Okay, okay. There is no need for piling on. I plead guilty to stereotyping. I never meant to imply "all" black men have an aversion to latex. I will try not to generalize in the future! My apologies.
CAPT SMOOTH DWB tracyreneejones Accepted.
CAPT SMOOTH KingsDaughter DWB *wink*
kia
All men are going to pressure you into sex unless he's a eunich. The red light comes when you tell him of your intentions. A decent guy shouldn't broach the subject until the third date, but by that time you should let him know. If he bails, he wasn't that interested in you in the first place so no major loss. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy, it just means you're each on a different page in your lives. There is no sense in either of you wasting time and money that isn't going to meet your goals. A relationship based on abstinence has to be played by different rules.
CAPT SMOOTH kia
"All men are going to pressure you into sex unless he's a eunich."
I get what you're trying to say...everyone desires sex to an extent, unless they're asexual, but I think there is a difference between a man who desires to have sex with us and one who is pressuring us...
MySmile CAPT SMOOTH kia
I have no problem with them trying their luck after a certain amount of time has passed, but if ALL men are going to PRESSURE me, ain't nothin happening, no way, no how, not now not ever.
Semizotu
***ATTENTION*** BLUNT WHITE GUY TALKING*********ATTENTION...
Okay, I can see this is something you are adamant about, but my advice would be not to put it that way to your boyfriend. I can almost see your finger waving in my mind. If guys think there's no hope, they don't tend to stick around. When you say things as bluntly as that while we are are dating you, we tend to picture those words coming out of your mouth, once we've put a ring on it! It's kind of a deterrent to us saying the words "I Do", And an incentive to us saying "No way in Hell".
Agreeing with Brenda55 - CNS - The therapy we speak of - We're not saying that women who decide to wait until they're in a relationship or marriage with their partner to have sex is abnormal and needs counseling. We're specifically speaking of women that fear or is apprehensive about having sex for the first time - And advising her to seek some type of counseling. Or speak with a sex therapist who is trained to know how to talk to women who fear having sex for the first time. This will prevent women who are entering into a sexual relationship for the first time - From having a dysfunctional or unfulfilled sex life. And so they can also learn how to talk to their future partner about any issues they might be concerned about.
I'd worry much more about a person who claimed that they were perfect and had no doubts or insecurities. I'd much prefer someone who is honest with themselves and others.
Seeking wisdom from others with more experience is wise...
Have no problem with getting therapy but why is it that when a person decides that they want to remain chaste until marriage that the person needs therapy? Why is this seen as something abnormal? If both people are in agreement with it them what’s the problem? Why are people assuming that waiting automatically means that the person will have a dysfunctional and unfulfilled sex life? If an unmarried woman can have sex for the 1st time and continue to desire sex what makes you think that a marriage woman can’t have the same desires. What if the virgin woman on her wedding night gets it so good that she just can’t no longer contain herself and what’s it all the time from her husband? Would a wife craving her husband only be considered dysfunctional? I don’t think many married men would complain about that. The anticipation of being with the person for the first time heightens the experience more so with newlyweds. My Smile seems like a loving, caring and giving person. She will be fine when the time comes.
cns "Have no problem with getting therapy but why is it that when a person decides that they want to remain chaste until marriage that the person needs therapy? Why is this seen as something abnormal?"
In all fairness that was not the point of concern.
cns
First of all nobody has said that a person who wants to save themselves for marriage needs therapy. Why is it when someone brings up the pros and cons of chastity does the reaction have to be greeted with intolerance or vitriol. Do you want someone who is going to offer different points of view or do want a bunch of head bobbing sycophants that agree with everything you think or say? I guess I could make a ton of money off that commiserator app. The conversations would be very dull if everybody agreed with everybody.
Would you buy a case of soda before you tried it and found out you couldn't stand it? No. That would be foolish. Perhaps you were one of the lucky ones but most peoples first sexual experience is not a particularly great one. Making love is so much better when your familiar enough with your lover to know what stimulates her and your comfortable enough to know she's open to new things. As with anything sex gets better the more you do it. I, personally would want to know if my future spouse and I have sexual chemistry and similar sex drives before I commit the rest of my life to her. Sex is a very important part of any relationship and if you ignore that fact you do so at your own marital peril.
We could get into the coulda, shoulda wouldas if you want but its counter productive.
What if the first time you had sex it was so painful or you felt so awkward that it turned you off to sex completely? What if you thought all the hype about sex was overrated? What if you looked at your husband and thought "This guy is the only person I'll ever have sex with, what if there is somebody better?" Things could go your way and they could go the way I described. Every person and every relationship is different. I don't have a problem with anybodies choice and I haven't told one person here how to live their life. I AM offering a mans point of view and suggestions about possible solutions to your dilemnas. Take them or leave them. I won't really care either way.
We can all agree that MySmile is wonderful catch and any man would be lucky to get her. If she picks well, he will be able to love her through any situation that arises. I wish her the best of luck, no matter what she decides.
CAPT SMOOTH cns "We can all agree that MySmile is wonderful catch and any man would be lucky to get her. If she picks well, he will be able to love her through any situation that arises. I wish her the best of luck, no matter what she decides."
Thank you. I appreciate it. We can just agree to disagree on some things...Everyone has a different set of personal values and makes different choices.
MySmile CAPT SMOOTH cns "We can all agree that MySmile is wonderful catch..."
YES!!!!!!!
DWB CAPT SMOOTH cns
awww, come on lol!!! You're making me blush...still not sure if black women can blush lol..but I've been told I was blushing before...stop doing this to me!
MySmile Sweetie, you know I only want the best for you!
MySmile CAPT SMOOTH cns Yes, black folks blush and some of us can tell! ;-)
I don't know if you are gonna end up with a white guy or not (but as a white guy, I hope that you do because I'm greedy and want my fellow white guys -- the good ones -- to get ALL of the best women) but if you do and if he's anything like me, PLEASE let him play in your hair ... it is SO, SO beautiful!!!!!
Sex is a gift from GOD and meant for all of us to enjoy and it is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous thing ... sensuous, physical and yet at the same time spiritual.
We are to avoid premarital sex not because sex is evil or dirty -- exactly the opposite -- it is a beautiful and special act.
I pray that God blesses you with a man that treats you the way that you deserve: as a GIFT from GOD!
DWB
"but if you do and if he's anything like me, PLEASE let him play in your hair ... it is SO, SO beautiful!!!!!"
Hummmm. Me thinks somebody knows about this from personal experience. LOL
DWB CAPT SMOOTH cns
lol aww thanks! I will let him play in my hair! I've let a couple of white guys play in my hair before... and my ex thought my fro was like a pillow haha
Thank you for the well wishes :-)
Brenda55 "Me thinks somebody knows about this from personal experience."
Since I'm sitting next to my wife as she touches up her dred-locs that she adopted after marrying me and giving up the creamy crack and weave ... and since I'm a little drunk I'll let you in on a little white boy secret: I'm wanna do more than play in that hair!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-)
DWB Brenda55 "creamy crack" *shuts down thread and turns off the light*
tracyreneejones Brenda55 Punny, wasn't it???? :-0
MySmile CAPT SMOOTH cns "... and my ex thought my fro was like a pillow"
My wife sleeps with my long hair as her blanket over her face!
DWB "Since I'm sitting next to my wife as she touches up her dred-locs that she adopted after marrying me and giving up the creamy crack and weave ... and since I'm a little drunk I'll let you in on a little white boy secret: I'm wanna do more than play in that hair!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-)"
Locs, creamy crack??????? Wait a minute. You white guys are not supposed to understand our hair which is one of the reasons we are told that we cannot be with you.
Yeah I know that's bull, but there you have it.
I have been natural for most of my marriage to Keith. He has seen and played in it all.......Feels good too. ; P
Brenda55 I took me a while to figure it all out but yeah, it ain't exactly rocket science and since I love her and care about her, I've taken an interest. Funny, I understand black women's hair better than many black guys I've met!
And a note for you white boys out there: Wanna catch her interest? Learn how to do a simple braid and tighten up a loose braid on her daughter or other young black child -- I've met several black women who giggled in delight and oohed an awed when they saw that a white boy could do that! ;-)
cns I cannot speak for everyone, but for some women, they get so good at saying "no" that they have difficulty transitioning to saying yes, both verbally and via body language. In addition, a yes is something to be negotiated, as most people do not mean yes to everything.
Definitely not your mama’s relationship book…
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What Black Men Say When Black Women Aren’t Around
What do men talk about when women aren’t around? Is the conversation different based on the races, ages and culture of the men? Tracy has the inside scoop…
Author : Tracy Renee Jones
Author's Website | Articles from Tracy Renee Joneshttp://www.beyondblackwhite.com/goddess-of-the-week-tracy-renee-jones-too-fly/
What do men talk about when women aren’t around? Is the conversation different based on the races, ages and culture of the men?
Did you ever wish you could be a fly on the wall in a barber shop, or maybe in the locker room so that you could hear for yourself?
There are a rare few places that a woman can catch unfiltered male conversation. It is where men congregate without the presence of women around to chastise, criticize or question them. The absence of women isn’t literal, there are some women around, but these women aren’t ‘real women’, as in, these women are powerless to do anything about these men’s point of views.
It’s no surprise that men behave a certain way among each other; they think women would not be receptive to certain behaviors and opinions so these are whispered words among ‘insiders’ only and in safe environments (without women).
When men aren’t allowed or are unwilling to be honest and open then women are left to presume certain beliefs about men or they create their own version of what they think men feel and believe.
Of course, as you can see, I am a female, and so some of these conversations went on because the men either A) didn’t think me a ‘real woman’ worthy of polite conversation or B) maybe I wasn’t seen as someone who is ‘uptight’ because I didn’t argue back with them regarding their opinions or C) maybe they didn’t give a fuck what I thought and said what they said because that’s how they felt and I should report back tog Woman Land with my new knowledge or D) they could/would fire me, or cut my throat and dump me behind a warehouse if I had an opinion on their opinion of women.
Not all unfiltered male conversation is derogatory and bad though. And what was derogatory had nothing to do with class, race or education, the most educated on down to the ignorant have their specific feelings about Black women.
Some of what I learned about men came from platonic male friends who were just happy to have someone to listen to them and not judge them for their honest feelings.
Some of what I know came from lovers, married, separated, taken, single and otherwise, as they discussed the many, many reasons they found themselves seeking the comforts of a woman in a non-traditional sense.
What do Black men say about Black women when we women aren’t around?
She doesn’t like to have sex and/or fellatio/cunnilingus…they never really use those terms but you get the idea.
If I had a nickel for each time I heard this one, baby, I’d be so rich!
I’m not sure how to go about taking a head count on who gives head behind closed doors but I will say I think the younger girls are over the stigma of oral sex and so this point becomes moot the younger you are.
However, there’s something strange brewing in the bedrooms of younger Black men, I’ll need time and space elsewhere to go into details. For now I’ll say that BW are rumored to dislike oral sex on the receiving and the giving end.
I’m presuming this is related to the slave master/rape/chaste/respectability mind fuck that make some BW feel they are dirty and that no man would enjoy being ‘down there’ or that their vagina’s are only for thrusting and birthing babies and not for the sexual pleasure of themselves or their mate. There are also those men who don’t want their wife and mother of their kids to do ‘that’ but they have no problem paying a toothless whore $20 to do the same function. There’s another story in there somewhere, but I digress…
Either way, men, of all races. enjoy oral sex. And I’m not saying that BW don’t do the do, I’m saying theses are the complaints of Black men whose wives don’t.
Many BM seek to give and receive and wish to feel that they are pleasing and giving pleasure to their mate and not that they are forcing a certain sex act on her.
I feel bad for those guys who are married and can’t get their wives to meet them in the bedroom the way they desire. If and when he does voice his preference he may be met with a reaction that is intended to shame his wants and that really sucks.
Some women use shame as a control tactic, when you signed up for ‘all that’ too bad for you that you didn’t know it included Lego pieces, popcorn and toe nail clippings, eh?
He may be faced with a woman who is not on the same level as he when it comes to comfort and an experimental nature. If I could tell you about the amount of Black women who have sex with their husbands like they are rape victims. Or those who offer themselves only under certain conditions like only at night, on a holiday or special occasional only during a meteor shower, only when the kids aren’t in the house, or only on the very rare occasion.
She may be ashamed of her body and hide it during sex, and while she’s focused on her own dislike of her body she’s not mentally present in bed with her man.
I hear all type of things, often from curiosity, I don’t think its an intention to compare as one better than the other but rather a man’s attempt to understand that not all women are like the woman that he has at home.
More times than not, he wants to know how to make her be like me, and not wishing that I would take her place.
Most men, who have this complaint would like to have all of their business handled by the woman he chose to marry/be with.
I encourage my male friends to vet their women according to their wants and needs. It’s the same exact thing I tell females to do.
A woman can claim to be willing to do ‘marital’ things in bed once married but any man who greatly values sex will want to work out details of sex before marriage.
There are many, many, many sexually unfulfilled couples (men &women) who are in sexless marriages. They may have love but when he starts stepping out to get his needs met, or if he’s got a physical brick wall up to protect him from your emotional wall and sexual distance, don’t be surprised when he leaves or cheats.
Black women rope men into marriages but then drop the ball and hold him to the standard ‘of death do us part’ while both parties are no more than roommates who share a last name.
Your husband does not want to have to convince and beg you into having sex with him. Grown folks will want to do grown people things and if you aren’t willing to do certain things you will find that the need gets repressed but it does not go away.
Feeling obligated to have sex isn’t healthy either so if a woman feels she has problems in the bedroom she should address them. If there are things that can be done to increase her desire to have sex, then she should tell her husband, if it gets both of you to a happy medium there’s no reason to not try to work things out.
Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, and I think some women spend so much time focusing on the value of their lack of sex (virginity/chastity) prior to marriage that they forget to be prepared for the day when they do settle down into a marriage.
I also realize that sexual abuse can affect a woman and her ability to be comfortable in bed. If that is the case then there are therapists who specialize in such things. There is a huge amount of Black women’s sex literature being published online, there are images, stories, message boards and other places one can find resources if need be.
Any issue that is so huge as to affect a woman’ s sexual performance should be addressed before attempting to settle down with a man, or at the very least, a woman should be willing to inform him of her problems so that he can be mindful of her needs and patient while she works on them.
Keeping information such as sexual abuse or sexual dysfunction from someone you are in a relationship with is another indicator that Black couples are partnering but they sure as Hell aren’t a healthy couple.
Not all couples have sex, so if you wish to have a marriage where sex is not a priority. then I suggest you discuss this ahead of time.
Society views Black men as disposable humans, worthless mates, scary monster and disgusting sexual predators. You married him and he should not have to feel that way when he turns to the woman who is supposed to want and desire him for who is.
It’s a train wreck of a situation for both parties.
Much of what was said to me was done because of my biracial ambiguous physical features, anytime I would defend or protest on behalf of Black women, I was reminded that I’m not really Black and/or that I was ‘different’ from other Black women.
And though it may sound strange to say, maybe I am different.
Rather than condemnation, I felt curious, sad and hopeful at what I learned from Black men of what they see, live and experience as they love Black women.
Next: What Black Men Say About Black Women and Her Kids