Blasian Fusion Couple: Andie and Ken (Part 3) – Forget the Blueprint

Nov 29th, in Dating & Marrying Ethnic Men, Engagements, Relationships, by eli.daniels

We’ve all had one, girls anyway, at one point or another. That list you create when you’re dreaming of that special person. You imagine what he looks like, his smile, and the color of his eyes. Then you think about how he’ll make you feel, what his kisses taste like, or how he smells. Next, logistics roll into your mind: what is his job, what are his passions, what do you have in common. What is you ideal man? Andie imagined nothing short of her own personal Thor, God of Thunder. Instead, she got Ken: a short, lip-smacking, nerd… who loves him with all her heart. They say you can’t help who you fall in love with or it’s the person who you least expect. Who would’ve guessed this man would be the one to change all her rules?

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Ken simply knew he had just found his best friend. “I can tell Andie a lot of things and I ask her for a lot of advice. I consider that a best friend. I share my life with her.” After over 4 years with his best friend, Ken knew there was only one thing to do: Man up and put a ring on it. In true New York fashion, he went to the only place where fairytale-worthy engagement rings can be found, at least according to Andie’s obvious hinting: TIFFANY’s. “It was much easier than I expected…I picked it because I knew that she would like it.” He proposed the night before his Eurotrip, his self-proclaimed last bachelor stand. [At the time], “We were arguing over nonsense, of course. It was very simple. Some people might consider it pathetic, but the point is not the situation or the atmosphere, but the answer. I proposed while we were heading to bed. I took out the box and asked her to open it.” “He asked me, ‘Will you marry me? I know I should have asked within the first year I met you,” Andie remembered. “I said yes, of course.”

For Ken, no flashbulbs went off when he realized this was forever. “There was no AHA moment. It was something that developed over a long time being with the same person. Realizing, you know what, we have a lot of things in common. We also might have some differences, but I think they also make us a better pair. Obviously, she does a lot of things really well like maintaining the home and cooking. She has a career and is educated. She comes from a good family. Those are obviously qualities you look for in someone else.”

Andie: “And I’m fucking gorgeous.”

Ken: <laughing> “And she’s very gorgeous. I’m not going to curse. You can always try to settle or keep looking for the next best thing. But sometimes you know. You just know. There’s no formula, just intuition.”

For the bride-to-be, she knew he was the one after a trip to a karaoke bar. He was being his typical a**hole self and pissing off the staff by ringing the service bell.

Andie: “That little jerk… First of all, he didn’t fit my blueprint. You know, the blueprint that most women have in the back of their heads. That’s just ridiculous and sets women up for failure. Because you miss out on that magic of just connecting with someone that doesn’t fit that criteria. No one person has all of that or will have it in that moment. It could be later on in life. Women don’t understand that they can meet men who haven’t achieved everything on your list, but if given time can do so. By throwing out my list, I opened myself to goodness. Ken is not the man I met 5 years ago. He’s actually better now because I know the real man now. I know every day he’s growing and changing, but the real man in his purest form is very attentive, deeply, deeply, loving, and deeply generous. Very hardworking and extremely responsible. When I first met him he was not into trying new things or joking. And now he is. People don’t believe me when I say Ken plays pillow fight with me or that he sings in the shower. Don’t knock something off the bat yet because for that present moment it doesn’t fit. Give someone a chance to grow with you. You just have to make sure that person in their purest form matches you and everything will fall into place.

***Special thank you to Christelyn Karazin and the commenters who sent constructive criticism and positive energy towards both the couple and me. I read ALL of the comments and know who you are. You were my saving grace, honestly. Karma can be a biznotch, but she’s coming at y’all with a blessing. WORDS DEMONSTRATE CHARACTER. ***

Statuesque 2061 pts

Congratulations and all the best to both of you!! Can't wait to see the wedding pictures. :)

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dani-BBW 1840 pts

First, congratulations to the happy couple. A wonderful time is ahead.

I would like to discuss this part of the post (not specific to the couple but in general):

"First of all, he didn’t fit my blueprint. You know, the blueprint that most women have in the back of their heads. That’s just ridiculous and sets women up for failure. Because you miss out on that magic of just connecting with someone that doesn’t fit that criteria... By throwing out my list, I opened myself to goodness."

What is the difference between accepting vs settling? Or being satisfied with potential, as opposed to requiring that someone demonstrate they are currently compatible with your values? I ask because similar statements are made in the BC about going for the Fedex guy vs holding out for someone you may be more economically or class compatible with... "If you just get rid of the list BW, you CAN find a BM, stop being so picky..."

Now Andie's list seems like it was more physical so I agree that can be superficial and be chucked, so long as physical attraction is present. But for some of the other things that aren't so superficial, what is acceptance vs settling?

dani-BBW You're asking such an important question. I have done both, and the difference for me between acceptance and settling is that the former creates peace when you are getting your most important needs met, and the latter creates fear, like a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that you try to ignore because you know there is more out there and you are too scared to take a chance and go and get it.

In my 20s I was with someone for several years, and I was periodically happy but miserable most of the time, even though I loved him. I knew that he wasn't right for me but I believed that it was "too late" for me (laughable, now) and that I needed to see it through because I had already invested those years. I projected into the future in my mind and saw more misery, and felt like I was getting a bad deal. That's settling.

In my early 30s I was with someone who didn't fit my physical ideal, but I was ultimately very attracted to him and he was a good match for me on multiple levels. When I met him, I liked him instantly but it took time to develop romantic feelings. I liked the person I was with him, and that was in contrast to whom I had been in the last relationship. Had it not ended, I would have been happy with him. That's acceptance.

Now in my mid 30s I've met my match, and I knew it instantly even though it scared the **** out of me at the same time. He isn't exactly what I thought I wanted, and he doesn't check every single box on my list, but he has 99% plus a few bonuses I didn't think of when I thought about what I wanted in a man. He's not perfect, and neither am I. He may not be getting everything he wanted either, but it's clear that we both offer one another something truly extraordinary and special. I not only like who I am with him, I love the person that I see emerging because of being with him, and I love the way that he is growing into me too. I never felt that way before, even in good relationships. This feels like more than acceptance.

Brenda55 20920 pts moderator

dani-BBW

“What is the difference between accepting vs settling? Or being satisfied with potential, as opposed to requiring that someone demonstrate they are currently compatible with your values? I ask because similar statements are made in the BC about going for the Fedex guy vs holding out for someone you may be more economically or class compatible with... "If you just get rid of the list BW, you CAN find a BM, stop being so picky..."”

Fair question. You are in my opinion asking many different questions.

A short story I worked my way through college as a nursing assistant. A long the way I worked with men doing the same kind of low end job I did. Some were satisfied in doing just that for life. Some had no choice. I would not date those men even though I was asked. That would have been settling.

Why? I was not going to stay an aide. I was working towards something better. I wanted a man who had the same goals and level of education that I had so I waited for that. Turned out I waited a long time for that but I got what I wanted. The man had to demonstrate that they were currently compatible with my values and goals by having similar values and goals. Compatibility is key to any successful relationship.

Was that being picky? Sure. Would I had married sooner had I settled for the guy who was satisfied with the low end job. Maybe. Would I have been happy with him? No and I knew that so why waste either of our time.

Would it have mattered if he had the potential to be more? Sure but only if he were willing to attempt to reach his potential. Potential is not static. Having potential is meaningless unless you use it. It is in the end something you either use or not. Something you either reach or not.

The black community just loves to lower the bar so that as many people can jump over hurdles to get to the other side as possible. That made sense when barriers were erected to keep blacks out of jobs and neighborhoods and away from good and services that we wanted and needed. This does not work so well when it comes to finding mates. Nor it is necessary. So we tell black women to lower the bar to find a man and of course for black women any man will do so long as he is black. Really, we live in the 21th century and not the 17th so does that line off thinking really make sense these days? Does it make sense to apply it to a personal choice of who you marry? No. It is an adaptation originated for one purpose that is being applied to another and has long outlived its usefulness in both spheres.

oekmama 1047 pts

grammar alert: should be ".. SHE loves him with all her heart." 'who' doesn't fit.

KingsDaughter 4967 pts

Aww. All the best to you guys!

Jamila 7668 pts moderator

Good luck and best wishes! You two seem very happy together and it sounds like this is built for the long haul.

Jamila

BlackWomenDeserveBetter 1909 pts

I am believing in their growth both as individuals, and a couple...Congratulations Ken & Andie!

My latest conversation: Mothers Who Are Educated, Yet Homeless...

youngteach 237 pts

I enjoyed reading this story, from its inception. Great stuff!

grrlysquirrel75 1121 pts

I'm so glad that over the course of the relationship Andie has seen Ken grow as a person. A failure to grow often becomes a very big stumbling block when trying to maintain a loving connection. Sometimes one person outgrows the other. Here's hoping this couple continues to grow together.