Beyond Black & White http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Sat, 07 Apr 2018 17:00:06 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.5 Adam: “Swirling Toward Sanity” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/adam-swirling-toward-sanity/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/adam-swirling-toward-sanity/#comments Mon, 30 Oct 2017 17:51:41 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=43458 By Adam Corson-Finnerty My father was a white, Roman Catholic, Irish and English, a Southerner, with an eighth grade education and a poorly paid Airman in the Army Air Corps. The only public figure I ever heard him mention was John Charles Thomas, a very successful baritone who did opera, Broadway, and was on the radio […]

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By Adam Corson-Finnerty

My father was a white, Roman Catholic, Irish and English, a Southerner, with an eighth grade education and a poorly paid Airman in the Army Air Corps. The only public figure I ever heard him mention was John Charles Thomas, a very successful baritone who did opera, Broadway, and was on the radio in the 30s and 40s. My father was a baritone, and occasionally would earn $5 or $10 singing at weddings. Ten extra bucks wasn’t bad during the Depression.

Then there was my mother: white, Presbyterian, German and Welch, a Northerner; with a college degree and gets a decent salary as a full-time elementary school teacher. Her hero was Eleanor Roosevelt, who she deeply admired for her commitment to social justice. In particular, she told me many times the story of Eleanor Roosevelt publically resigning from the Daughters of the American Republic when that “patriotic” group of women would not allow Marian Anderson to perform at their venue in Washington, DC.

My parents were married in 1943. They stayed married for 40 years until my mother passed away from pancreatic cancer. My father died a few years later. They had two children, me and my brother Thomas. Our “ethnic” background then became Irish, English, Welch, and German. Our social orientation was greatly determined by our mother. My father saw nothing wrong with calling black people “n*****rs.” He used terms like “I’ll just Jew him down” on the price of something. He told me a story about an incident where a homosexual man made an advance at him, and he threatened to hit him with a wrench. He told me that female USO volunteers were called “Victory Girls,” because they would “lay down and spread for victory.”

My mother squeezed all of this out of him. She challenged him on one prejudice after another. My father had one sterling quality: he believed strongly in fairness. He often would say to me, “well I thought this way, but your mother convinced me it wasn’t fair.” I married Susan Corson. Her ethnic background is Welch, French, English, Irish, Scottish and German. We put our two last names together, to create Corson-Finnerty. Our children were named Corson-Finnerty. Our religious and social values are very liberal. We joined the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) together. We recently hosted the wedding reception for two black lesbian friends. My wife did the flowers. Our daughter dated black guys and white guys when she was in high school and all through her single years. She married a brown-skinned man from Nicaragua. Their courtship was largely conducted on Skype and in Spanish. Their 2.75 year-old son is being raised to speak Spanish and English. He is an American, and his ethnic background is Spanish, Indigenous American, Irish, English, French, German, Scottish and Welch. This is the way it is supposed to work. Not just in the United States, but throughout the world.

Mix up those genes; mix up those ideas; embrace global humanity. And for God’s sake, recognize that we all came from Africa. Recognize that race, nationality, religion, cultural practices, preferences and prejudices are all artificial constructs. We can embrace these constructs, we can modify them based upon our own life experiences, and we can blend ours with someone else’s. This is a good thing. It works well with evolution and human survival. And it works toward the goal of world peace.

With this as my credo, you can imagine how encouraged I feel to have discovered Christelyn Karazin and Beyond Black & White. For far too long, we have let “the color line” divide our nation. Having marched with Martin Luther King (Selma to Montgomery) and supported the Civil Rights movement and the laws that resulted, I find her perspective to be refreshing and positive. Every indicator, every poll, shows that Americans are moving beyond black and white. Interracial marriage is increasing in every demographic, racial bias and “supremacist” views are fading. Donald Trump doesn’t represent the tip of the iceberg. Instead he represents the puddle that remains as the glacier recedes. Don’t be fooled by the men behind Trump’s curtain. The diehard racists and white nationalists are relatively few. The liberal, open, and accepting are many. This is not to deny that racism (and sexism) are buried deep in the ground of our collective history. There is much work to be done to unearth and correct those sins and rebuild our common house. The ideals have always been there, and they have even greater force today. According to their culture, my mother and father should never have married. They broke out of those confines, and so have millions and millions of others. Let’s take the positive, future-oriented note that Christelyn is sounding. Let’s keep swirling toward sanity.

About the Author:

Adam Corson-Finnerty Adam is retired, and lives and writes in Bucks County, PA. He has been involved with social justice movements for his entire adult life. He and his wife have five cats and are deeply in love with their beautiful grandson.

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Were You Aware of the Federal Cyber Breech? http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/were-you-aware-of-the-federal-cyber-breech/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/were-you-aware-of-the-federal-cyber-breech/#comments Wed, 10 Jun 2015 05:42:15 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=37566 By Matthew W. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably know that a foreign adversary (likely the People’s Republic of China) breached the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) data of four million federal workers.  This number includes current and former federal employees.  OPM is the federal government’s human resource agency. According to the […]

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By Matthew W.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably know that a foreign adversary (likely the People’s Republic of China) breached the Office of Personnel Management (OPM) data of four million federal workers.  This number includes current and former federal employees.  OPM is the federal government’s human resource agency.

According to the FY 2012 OPM Federal Equal Opportunity Recruitment Program Report, black women represent 10.6% of the federal workforce (and that number could be underrepresented as some people choose not to report their race/ethnicity).  That’s 424,000 black women working for the federal government (if you take underreporting into account, that number might be as high as 450,000).  Obviously, with this many people, chances are that every reader of this blog knows someone or has a friend that knows a black woman who works for the federal government – someone that probably had their data breached in this cyber attack.

masked piggy bank

Next week, the OPM will begin informing the impacted workers of a cyber breach that happened in April (yes, April).   Hackers might have their names, Social Security Numbers, birthdates, job assignments, training files, performance ratings, and current and former addresses.  If you’re a victim, you will receive an email from opmcio@csid.com or a letter stating exactly what information might have been compromised.  If you get an email from OPM, you face a situation scary enough that the National Counterintelligence and Security Center felt compelled to share warnings through a new YouTube video from their Deputy Director, Dan Payne.

Payne provides six proactive steps that data breach victims must take – here we go:

 

  1. Change passwords on all of your financial accounts (this covers a broad territory, including your bank and/or credit union accounts, your debit and credit cards, your stock market accounts, and your mutual fund accounts).

 

  1. Monitor your financial accounts and look for unexplained activity or changes in your credit score and reports (this is good activity for everyone to perform regardless of whether they are a victim of a breach or not).

 

  1. Notify creditors, financial institutions, and credit reporting agencies of unexplained activities.

 

  1. Put a fraud alert on your credit report.

 

  1. If you notice fraudulent activity, go to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) website and complete an ID theft complaint form.

 

  1. Report unexplained activity to your local police department. Provide them with a copy of the FTC form – and request a copy of the police report.

 

The FTC and OPM both give extended guidance for monitoring your identity and financial information – and precautions to avoid becoming a victim of this data breach.

 

As I mentioned above, there are approximately half a million black women working for the federal government.  I’m someone who has worked for the federal government for over twenty years.  This past weekend, I also begin the process of completing the steps I described above – because I’m a victim of this cyber breach, too.  Have a great weekend!!

 

Thank you,

 

Matthew W. (Guest Author)

@HokieSmash

Longtime fan of Beyond Black and White.

Graduate of Mayville State University (Mayville, ND), Virginia Tech, and Georgetown University

 

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AAWG, ‘Savage Tango’ “Getting him to do more than smile.” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/aawg-getting-smile/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/aawg-getting-smile/#comments Fri, 29 Aug 2014 04:24:24 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32636 Reader: My question for today is: How do I get white guys to stop smiling and looking at me and step up and talk to me. What can I do besides smiling back to show that I’m open to the idea of talking to them? Michelle  Hey, I know you! How’s it goin today Ms. […]

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Reader:

My question for today is: How do I get white guys to stop smiling and looking at me and step up and talk to me. What can I do besides smiling back to show that I’m open to the idea of talking to them?

Michelle 

Hey, I know you! How’s it goin today Ms. Fashion Show!

Ya wanna know how I know you? Cuz you made yourself known to me first, that’s why. You’re the one who got that ball rollin and here I am all noticing you, happy to see you and givin ya nicknames and all that. Nice trick, how did you do that?

And you know…the whole thing is your fault. You started it! And now that you’re on my swirling radar you’re gonna let me finish it.

So lets just rewind a little bit then see what we can do about transferring what you did to me here in this place to Real Life, ok?

If you recall, I made a comment on something then you replied to me and things went from there. I’m just minding my own business doin my white guy thing and you managed to get yourself noticed. I happened to recognize an opportunity and went from there and now here we are sittin here talkin together about stuff.

Now what you did, you acknowledged something I said, offered a compliment and then followed it up with a question of your own. God, we white guys LOVE it when ya make it that easy for us like that. The door’s sitting there wide open and all I gotta do is walk on through it.

And I totally did…heh heh.

Man-smiling

So it looks like you want more guys to quit standing there in the doorway and start walking on through it, huh? Geez Michelle, where are you having this problem at? Are you standing in front of the corporate headquarters of E.D. Anonymous?

Well, ya worked your magic on me so let’s see how we can work that “walk through my door ” magic out there in The Real World today.

Even though this is about them white guys walkin through your door, lets start with you, ok? What kind of reason are you giving them to walk through that door? Now think about that for a second. Sure, you can sit there and say to yourself that you’re willing to have your door intruded upon in that manner, but you gotta decorate your doorway a little bit and make it look like one I want to go all barging into SWAT team style. Or Mormon Missionary style, I don’t care, whatever works for ya like that. I don’t judge 😉

————-

And then you got to make it look like one YOU want me to go all SWAT team on. Or Mormon Missionary on…whatever. You want us white guys coming through your door one way or another.

The world out there is one big huge opportunity for this. Don’t limit yourself to this type of thinking for any particular time and place, like for example a bar or club. Hell, people expect to get all social in that environment. I’m talking everywhere else here. And I mean EVERYWHERE else. The second you set foot out your front door, you have got to be mindful of this doorway you and I are talking about here.

So walk around with that door wide open. Make sure you look pleasant, relaxed, open to something beyond a mundane “hi”. Look approachable. And by that I mean put that cell phone away, take off those sunglasses, rev up that smile and make some direct eye contact out there. Relax, slow down and just kinda glide gracefully through your day. Don’t deny us the privilege of seeing you at your best. Try to keep in a good and positive frame of mind and put out good vibes in general.

Screen Shot 2014-08-28 at 9.22.59 PM

Hey, personally here’s what I do myself and it has been good to me. It has been VERY good to me and you should try this today…

Smile. Smile and relax. Smile and relax and have fun. Smile and relax and have fun and then flirt like there is no tomorrow. People will remember you in a good way if there actually is a tomorrow.

 

flirting, attraction, dating, relationship advice, perception, allure, swirling, interracial dating, dating advice, research, statistics,

Ok. That’s your assignment for today. And tomorrow. And the next day, too. Ya know, just do it every day, OK? You’ve got a nice looking door there, Michelle. I walked through it. Now lets get some other whiteness walking through it as well.

Sadly, we gotta recognize there’s some barriers out there when it comes to getting white guys to walk through an ebony door. Hey, it ain’t your fault, it ain’t my fault, we just have to play the hand we’re dealt here, OK? There’s simply racial, cultural and just plain old human nature related barriers we  have to work around here. We aren’t getting into that can of worms…hell, that’s a can of damn sea serpents right there. We ain’t touching that stuff, we’re just gonna acknowledge it exists and how we’re gonna get them white dudes coming around and walking through your door.

Now ya know what I like about your question, Michelle? I like the fact that you say, and I most assuredly quote,

“What can I DO besides smiling back to SHOW that I’m open to the idea of talking to them?”

This tells me a few things about you. A few things about you that I really like.

THING 1: You’re pro active. You want to “do” things. You want to step up and take care of business rather than just sit back and wonder what the hell’s going on.

THING 2: You are not only willing to take control here, but you’re gonna most definitely do it. You want to “show” you’re open and so is your door.

Kudos to you, Michelle! Gotta love those chicks who like what they see then decide to do something about it 😉

 

Business People Conversing on Train

So here’s a few something’s to do about it.

If you’re open to the idea of talking to them, there ain’t no rule that says they have to talk first. They might not even know you’re in the vicinity and willing to engage in a little doorway play.

Don’t be afraid to get that ball rolling. I mean, ya went and did it to me! Heh heh…so try talking! Now I’m not saying go up to him all like,

“Why hello there, you vanilla Viking, you. Come get some cocoa.”

Save that for a Halloween party 😉

Make a few casual, random comments and observations. It’s not that they have to be all profound and thought provoking, just a means of lowering that initial barrier and allowing things to run their natural course from there.

I’m sure you do the same thing with little old ladies, other chicks, the cashier, kids, whomever…whatever. Do it with some white guy who caught your eye and you want him coming on through that door of yours. No big deal, just a casual observation as you walk on by.

You see him getting in/out of a Jeep/BMW/Pinto…

“You know, I’ve really been thinking of getting one of those. Are they worth it?”

When it comes to white guys, their cars are a pretty safe bet to get that job done.

You know what worked on me once? I’m just minding my own business in the produce section and someone next to me said,

“Do you know if these sweet potatoes or yams?”

Seriously, that’s all it took, we struck up a nice casual conversation and 2 days later we’re having dinner together.

And no, we never actually did find out if they were sweet potatoes or yams. Heh heh…Like we even cared in the first place!

So like I said, it doesn’t have to be anything all profound and thought provoking here. Just an initial something to get that ball rolling. You’re just looking to show that you’re open to the idea of talking to them. Then let him go from there and begin the journey through your door ya got wide open.

Now let’s flip this around here OK? How about you give me something to make a casual observation and comment on. Hey, what’s the first thing I did when I addressed you at the beginning? I dropped a nickname on ya. You know why? Cuz you went and gave me something memorable to work with and I was all “Hey Fashion Show!”

See, this casual comment observational thing works both ways here. Give the white dude something to check out and comment on.

Like a Metallica tee shirt. Heh heh..now THAT would be interesting! God, that would be interesting. If I saw some Lovely Black Lady rocking one of those I’d be very quick to say something to her. Woman, I am coming through your door in 3..2..1…

Swirling Mission Control, we have lift off!

Yeah, you see where I’m going with this.

Or if you’re a little more low key, try something else you’re comfortable with. The general idea here is to give that white guy something he’s gonna notice and then he’s simply gotta say something about.

Bonus points for busting out of traditional stereotype territory. I’m just saying  ;-).

Now, sometimes you do have to be a little more blunt. A little more out in the open. We have those stinking barriers we were talking about. If you are so inclined be a little more direct and go the compliment route. Its a little more than that casual comment thing we were talking about. Feel free to ambush him with your feminine wiles. God gave them to you for a reason ya know.

You like his cool tie? Let him know it. You like his shirt, shoes, bad-ass leather jacket…whatever. Let him know you noticed it. You don’t have to go  trying to pick him up, just let him know you see what he’s doing and you like what you see. The worst that can happen is like, what… “Thank you” ??

You know, like I said earlier you did just that with me here. You addressed me, you offered a compliment, and then you asked me a question.

And by God! As soon as I saw your name I knew who you were! Job well done, Michelle! Job well done!

So smile. Relax. Make eye contact. Enjoy yourself. Good vibes are contagious. You’re having a great time, your door is wide open and the right kinda white guy is gonna recognize that and go walking on through it 😉

Cheers to you and stay Swirly, my friend!

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Ask a White Guy: The Online Dating Quandary http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ask-white-guy/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ask-white-guy/#comments Mon, 18 Aug 2014 04:46:55 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32484 We are inaugurating a new occasional feature here at Beyond Black and White called “Ask a White Guy.” This is your chance to ask the one, the only, incomparable  SavageTango your dating and relating questions. So don’t sit there wondering.     Don’t rack your brains out.       All you need do is […]

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We are inaugurating a new occasional feature here at Beyond Black and White called “Ask a White Guy.” This is your chance to ask the one, the only, incomparable  SavageTango your dating and relating questions.

So don’t sit there wondering. 3D-Women-Question-mark-01     Don’t rack your brains out.   question-mark     All you need do is hit us up at: christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com and maybe your question will be chosen.   With out further ado SavageTango tackles the online dating question we see asked on the blog most frequently. What gets a man’s attention and why?

So here I am, hangin out online checking out all you Lovely Ladies profiles on dating websites. Fascinating stuff you Ladies got goin on there.  I’m not gonna lie, I’m a huge fan of online dating. HUGE, I’m tellin ya!  I love it! Its kinda like the fast food of lookin for love. Its quick, its convenient, its easy. It might not always be the best thing for ya but hey, we all have our guilty pleasures like that. My favortie thing about this McDating business is its an outstanding way to cross paths with people you never would have met in a million years otherwise.  Man, you just never know who’s gonna turn up and that’s what makes it so hard to walk away from.
Like this one bikini wearing ER doctor I dated awhile back who kinda spooked me cuz she was all into movies like Saw and Hostel. I never did shake the feeling that our experience together would have made an excellent script for a nasty B grade slasher movie. See what I’m sayin? Where else am I gonna get this kinda fix?
So I heard this Lady asking once about what’s the secret with men finding the women they want using online dating.  What online ads sparked our interest?  What responses were we getting that kept us coming back?
Hey, ya wanna know what gets this dude going when I’m checking you out? Ya wanna peak inside the male operating system? Maybe hear a few things to avoid and a few things to emphasize? Have a seat, I’ve probably already looked at your profile or one similar to it and I’ll tell ya what I was thinking when it comes to what made me stick around and what made me say “Dear God, no way!!!”
Ok, cool then.  Now look me in the eye when I say this.  Listen carefully.

“THERE AIN’T NO SECRETS “

 There’s things that help you, there’s things that hurt you but there’s no secrets about this. At least not after today there won’t be…heh heh.
Ok, first off there’s one thing here we need to get a firm grasp on. Like an ironclad deathgrip grasp here. Like you’re fighting that chick you hate over that special pair of shoes at a clearance sale.  Hey, don’t look at me like that, I’ve seen y’all do it.  It’s the fear of that grasp on my nads that keeps me in line around here.
The whole point of having that profile, the whole reason ya got that thing is for one purpose and one purpose only.

YOU GOTTA SELL YOU!

Bottom line, that’s it. That’s why ya got it and you use it to get in there, get what you’re after, then get outta there as soon as possible. So with that fact firmly established here why, oh why do some of you Ladies spend your efforts pushing me away from you instead of drawing me closer to you?  Here’s a cold hard truth, my female friends. In this game of click-a-chick, the next chick is but one click of a mouse away. That’s all it takes, one look, one click and not only are you outta there, but you are Old Man Baseball Umpire…”Yerrrrr OUTTA THERRRRRRRE!”
So lets talk about using that narrow time frame wisely cuz in this endless sea of clickable chicks ya gotta give me a reason to take my hand off my mouse.
Hey, quit lookin at me like that.
Lets start with the most obvious, your profile pic. Yeah, I understand there’s an entire industry and a field of psychology based on the do’s and dont’s. But this is me we’re talkin about here, not those people. You want me…ok, actually you want quality men rather than me, not the people lookin to make a buck off you to say what me likey. You know what me likey? As a man lookin at a woman, what does it for me are eyes and smile. That’s what draws me in and brings me closer to you. Now sure, that bikini pic will catch my eye but I’ll let you decide if you feel like dealing with the other eyes it caught as well. That’s you’re call, I’m just tellin what I’m after when I look at you. So show me…YOU. Show me your eyes and smile. Show me a happy, enthusiastic, radiant and vibrant smile. Theres a lot of profile pics that look like a mugshot. Or like you’re looking at a toilet that needs to be flushed. What’s with the yuckface? Why would I wanna roll with you if that’s how you’re gonna look while we do it?
Show me someone I wanna sit across a table from and enjoy her company.  Show me someone I want to call and ask how her day went. Show me someone I wanna open the door for. Show me how you’re gonna light that spark inside me and make me say, “I don’t know, there was just something about her that I really liked.”
And NOT in a selfie. Ya wanna know what selfies say to me?
“Yeah hi, I’m too lazy to put much effort into doing this. I’ll just stand here and do this instead. Meh…this is good enough.”
No, no selfies. You have friends? Can they take a pic for you? Looks to me when I see 5 selfies in your profile that ya don’t. Or the same lame pic with the same stupid kissy face, just different clothes in each one. Or the “I’m sitting in my car” selfie. Or the “my work flow” selfie. They just make me feel like you’re lazy and not even trying. I hate when other people are lazy. That’s my job.
I’m just sayin it ain’t gonna hurt to have a picture like they did back in Ye Olde Days before selfies became such a lame substitute for showing the rest of us what’s goin on in your life. I mean, at least make me believe you are putting some kind of effort into this. You’ve decided to do it, so lets do it right!
Ok, so we want YOU. Now I know I just mentioned your friends takin pics here, but that’s where ya gotta draw the line. You want you on one side of that camera and your friends on the other. You are not doing yourself any favors posting pics of you and all your friends. Mens eyes do wander, ya know.
Hey, let me ask you something. Ya ever see that couple sitting there and the man is lookin at every woman who walks by? He ain’t even hiding it! His eyes are all over the place except for the one Lady he should be paying attention to. Yeah, you see where I’m goin with this.  You gotta sell you, not your friends. The spotlight should be on you and you alone and as dear to you as they may be, ya don’t need them stealing your spotlight on your profile right there in front of ya.
And finally when it comes to pics…yes, we all know it helps to be attractive. That’s a huge advantage that works in a few people’s favor.  For the rest of us that fall into a slightly different category, put your best effort into looking your absolute best and don’t sweat it after that. Ya just gotta be the best YOU that you can be.  Be the kinda YOU that makes me wanna take my hand off my mouse and look at ya up close.
Here’s a few dos and donts for you to consider.

DO:  post pics of yourself actively engaged in cool experiences, travels, hobbies, sports, dressed up, dressed down, standing/sitting/laying in front of interesting backgrounds. Show me a whole lotta you bein a whole lotta awesome and make me wanna jump in that pic with you.

DON’T:  post pics of your cat ( what the hell are you thinking?) children, scenic shots without you in them, your hot friends, your dinner, an old pic from years ago.

And no selfies, dammit. No duck face selfies. They make me look like I’m lookin at a toilet that needs to be flushed when I see them.
All right, we are building that profile! We got pics that rock and make men stop and say, “Who is this siren who charms me so? I must hear her song.”
Or something like that.
So what’s your username and tag line? Not a lot to dwell on here. Mainly a huge stinkin big ass pile of DON’T.
Don’t pick a username with “lonely” or “desperate” or any derivative of that foul word. You’d be surprised. Those find a way to get in there and I find a way to get outta there. Like right freakin now!
As always, something relevant, fun, upbeat and positive. Or maybe real low key. Like “Bubbles72”. Safe and unobtrusive if that’s how ya wanna express yourself here.
Now your tag line, again stay away from things indicating you got a problem, you had a problem or you don’t want no more problems. Here’s a few I see that make me go all clickee clickee on the next chick.
“Looking for a good man.”
“Just want one man to prove to me they’re not all the same.”
“Tired of games and BS”
“Sick of all the liars and players around here.”
Damn, woman. Sounds like you been livin a bad country music song and I don’t plan on finding out who’s singin it either.
And by the way, is anyone here NOT lookin for a good man? This tells me you’ve been around the bad ones and I’m gonna get stuck dealing with your issues.
Clickee clickee.
So, Fashionista88 or CajunGirl or whoever you’re callin yourself, lets talk about what to write.
Yeah, you gotta write something so deal with it. Now I know, I know, Frustrated In Florida. You say men never read your profile and only look at your pics.  Maybe scummy men. Maybe men who make you frustrated.  But rest assured men of discriminating taste, sophistication and refinement do indeed read what you write. We do it for 2 reasons. Well, maybe 3.
Reason 1: I wanna weed out the riff raff who can’t spell, compose a sentence or have the communication skills of a fruit fly. For gods sake, show me you can string multiple coherent thoughts together into something I can work with.   Don’t write your profile in texty talk either. Save that for people you know, not for the people you are trying to sell yourself to.
Reason 2: I’m reading your profile cuz I’m workin out the angle I’m gonna use to hit on you.  I’m not gonna send you a message that simply says, ” sup girl” or “u r hawt hit me up.”
No, I’m gonna read what ya wrote and make mention of it in a chance to build rapport with you in the hopes I hear back from ya. Like I said, give me something to work with and I’m gonna take it and shape it into my approach when I message you.
Talk about cool stuff, interesting stuff, act like you’re sitting across the table just talkin to the guy. Hell, sip some moscato or Southern Comfort, lower those inhibitions and let your creativity floooooooow. Put stuff out there that you want a guy to discuss with you. Or, if you’re feeling a bit adventuresome mention you’ve always wanted to try sailing, hang gliding, surfing, roller coaster-ing, etc.  Ya never know who’s gonna sail up to ya and invite you out with him.
Reason 3:  I’m reading it cuz you made me take my hand off my mouse and I’m rubbing my chin, arching my brow and thinkin,
“I’m digging this chick. Like, totally.”
We wanna get to know you. We wanna see what’s on your mind. We wanna see if you’d ever go out with a guy like us.  We’re sitting there thinking how we’re gonna find that out about you and what to say to you.

SO DON’T GO KILLIN THE VIBE WITH A BUNCHA BITCHING!

Yeah, major mood killer right there. Like, worse than your dad walkin in on ya. Or even worse, walkin in on your dad.  GACK!!!
Ok Ladies, now I know all about the freakshow that ya gotta put up with when it comes to online dating. I do. I’ve seen it myself. Tis a sad and sorry fact of life that there’s just always gonna be those men who have a special way of contaminating everything they come in contact with.  Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done about that freak factor in OnlineDatingLand. Nothing at all. But how you deal with it has a huge impact when it comes to your online appeal. Seriously, it does.
Ok, now I know you have it rough. I know you’re fighting off the perils of pervs and my heart bleeds for you, but please…PLEASE don’t go makin the good ones wary about you because you choose to bitch about the bad ones. You are selling you, remember? So use that personal spotlight wisely. Use it as a chance to entice me into thinking about how I want to have dinner with you not wondering if you’d be as whiny and complainy during that dinner as you are presenting yourself to me online.
Just do us both a favor and keep your dirty laundry discreetly hidden and dealt with outta view.  We don’t want to sit and read about how you’re sick of liars, players, serial daters, cheaters, married men or whatever. I’m sorry you gotta deal with that stuff, but I’m not gonna say I’m sorry for telling you to keep it out of view. It makes us wonder if you’re pissed with issues and how much of that is gonna bleed over onto me.
Clickee clickee
I mean, why do women all gotta sit around and bitch all the time? I just want to find one good woman who doesn’t bitch about every single thing. Just one woman to prove to me they are not all the same!!!
So see how that rant about bitching really killed our mood we had goin here? That’s kinda how we feel when we gotta read Ladies rants about their experience with us men on dating sites. It sucks, doesn’t it? Ya probably don’t like me very much now, do you? Ya wanna have dinner with me next week?
CLICKEE CLICKEE
Heh heh…online dating Jedi Mind Trick at work there. Lets get back to the positive and see if I can make you like me again 😉
So yeah, the men you want do indeed read your profile as well as look at your pics! We do! We like a Lady who can wow us with her words. Intelligence is sexy. Witty banter is really sexy. We like to see how ya think.
And just between you and I, I’ve never had a bad result telling someone,
“I like the way you think ;-)”
That Sadist / ER doctor I mentioned earlier said that to me one night. I liked it. It stuck with me. I remember how it made me feel when she said that to me.
So I stole it and I say it all the time!!!
So see, all that stuff I talked about aside, I’ve always felt an online dating profile is like a 401k for your romantic goals and objectives.  While we’re out there in real life, toiling and laboring away our amorous investments are working for us 24/7 in ways we aren’t even aware of. At the end of the day ya check your accounts and see how your portfolio did and make your choice to buy or sell from there.  This should be one facet of your everyday life, not actually be your everyday life.
Now, just like Santa Claus, I have a list. And I’m checkin it twice. And I’m gonna look at your profiles and see who’s naughty and nice.
If you’re nice, chances are your inbox is already full and ya won’t get to my message for a week or so. Nice problem to have, huh?
But if you’re naughty?
Your gonna get a message from me sayin “sup girl I wanna git wit u”

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“A Beautiful Burden” One Man’s Commentary on Managing Cultural Differences http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/beautiful-burden-one-mans-commentary-managing-cultural-differences/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/beautiful-burden-one-mans-commentary-managing-cultural-differences/#comments Wed, 09 Jul 2014 05:08:19 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=31546 By “Zac Onbothsides”   Ok. We’ve established that there’s an attraction, we’ve even talked about the awkwardness of expressing it,  or more specifically, the response from many when we struggle to put it into words that will allow everyone to sleep at night.  We’ve acknowledged that it may make any number of folks feel some […]

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By “Zac Onbothsides”

advice, Matthew Hussey, Jordan Harbinger, money, love, dating, relationships, career, Swirling, Swirlr,

 

Ok. We’ve established that there’s an attraction, we’ve even talked about the awkwardness of expressing it,  or more specifically, the response from many when we struggle to put it into words that will allow everyone to sleep at night.  We’ve acknowledged that it may make any number of folks feel some type of way, but dammit, we wont be silent anymore. We are also very clear that this is no experimental thing, no fetish etc. This is real. And we’re here to tell you all the reasons why.

 

So that’s the feel good part.  I’m down to move on. Cool? Cool.

 

Using the term ‘burden’, especially as it relates to a relationship,  is easily misunderstood.  Understandable. Although the root meaning is about something being ‘born’. A literal weight, or cargo. No ladies, I didn’t just call you cargo. ~ ‘Does this dress make me look like cargo?’ ~Stop it.  ‘Responsibility’ is actually a synonym.  Also, I really like alliteration.  ( Beautiful Burden. )

 

The responsibilities I’m attempting to speak to and contextualize, are those assumed by the white man in an inter-racial relationship. ~‘What??? I have responsibilities separate from pretending to love Scandal???’~ Yes. Yes you do.  And while each relationship is a one in a million snow flake- the beauty in accepting this glorious burden is something I believe most can relate to.

 

Firstly, this is not about micro-managing the cultural differences that exist in an inter-racial relationship.  It’s about what it means to be the best possible partner, and what specific challenges may exist.  Challenges other than wondering if her hair will keep you from the beginning of every movie for the rest of your life.  No. Challenges like seeing the world as it exists in her eyes. Validating her everyday experiences by stopping to truly hear her. Opening your eyes to not only how she sees the world but to seeing how the world sees and treats her.  Celebrating what’s wonderful in those moments, and protecting her, and speaking up for her, in the moments that are less than wonderful.

 

I refer to it as ‘beautiful’.  The act of being aware.   ~“Can’t we just date without getting all Fight the Power ?”   ~ Of course.  I am saying, that for myself, there’s been no greater insight into the delusional and unprovoked bias against women of color than having been in relationships with them.  And it’s my belief that seeing those things first hand, and pushing back against them, is an important part of the fight against the pathology of bigotry.

 

You may never be touched by it.  But as the wonderful newness of love and a cross-cultural connection play out in real time, and you find acceptance and joy, humor and comfort, consider listening. Truly listening.

One day the kite lines of love and ethnicity may become less tangled.  Until then, soar together,  intertwined, facing whatever comes.

 

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BB&W Fan, ‘Dr. PhillyGirl’: How International Travel Changed My Life http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/international-travel-changed-life/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/international-travel-changed-life/#comments Fri, 21 Mar 2014 15:21:31 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=29289 We are always on the look out for great stories of black women doing great things. Luckily we have only the look in our own back yard.  One on our regular readers  PhillyGirl has just successfully challenged her dissertation earning her Ph.d. We at Beyond Black and White wish to extend our congratulation on her […]

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We are always on the look out for great stories of black women doing great things. Luckily we have only the look in our own back yard.  One on our regular readers  PhillyGirl has just successfully challenged her dissertation earning her Ph.d.

We at Beyond Black and White wish to extend our congratulation on her achievement and to share her story.

Dr.Burks has graciously consented to submit the following article.  We hope you enjoy it and will visit her blog:

Philly Girl Travels, http://phillygirltravels.blogspot.com/

Any one else with something we should know about please let us know we would be happy the spread the news.

Packaged Earth

How International Travel Changed My Life

Dr. Karlin Burks (PhillyGirl)

My life changed for the better when I took a leap of faith and traveled on my first international trip to London for New Years 2013: ALL BY MYSELF! You may have heard this before and it certainly was true for me; international travel frees your mind. My time in London opened my eyes to the possibilities of dating, working, and living beyond US borders. When you travel internationally, particularly as a Black Woman, you truly begin to understand your beauty as a WOMAN: NOT just as a Black Woman. Men see you and treat you differently and it is an empowering experience. I also wholeheartedly believe that international travel, whether solo or not, helps you to become more courageous, take more risks, and begin to embrace the motto, “I CAN” over “I CAN’T!”

 

Before my pivotal London adventure I was at a crossroads in my life. Do I stay on my current, safe, path and endure an uneventful life full of monotony, single-girl routines, trapped in a job I yearned to escape? OR do I dare to try something different and take a leap of faith? The answer for me was simple: I jumped! Now, just one year later, I hardly recognize my life.

eiffel6

  1. Single-Girl No More – I got engaged in Paris! Who knew you could find true love on the Internet? But thanks to EHarmony, I did. The Black Woman negativity campaign trying to convince us that we are unlovable, unmarriable, and if over the age of 40, have better luck being killed by a terrorist than getting married is HOGWASH!! Black Men may not be interested in us in America but you can certainly follow in my footsteps and EXPAND your search. I chose not to confine my relationship search to a certain race, choosing men based on character not color, nor did I restrict it only to within US borders. As luck would have it, my hubby-to-be is African from London and thankfully not tainted by the Black Male conditioning afflicting Black Men back in the states.

 

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  1. DOCTOR Kay – I successfully completed the Long, HECTIC journey of obtaining my Doctorate of Education to become the first DOCTOR in my family!!! It was because of my Doctorate program that I took that pivotal trip to London as a treat to myself for not quitting the program and for not letting fear get the best of me. My thought was, “if I can find the courage to keep pursuing my Doctorate, I can certainly travel to London on my own!”

 

expat

  1. Expatriate – I secured my first INTERNATIONAL job AND MOVED OUT OF THE COUNTRY to the MIDDLE EAST. I am currently working in an international school as an Administrator. The money is great and the job is so much less stressful than back home. But, it’s still a little weird for me to say, “I live out of the country!” Just two years ago, the furthest I had traveled from the US was Canada. International travel and working internationally had been a dream of mine for a long time ever since I started encountering stories about other BW living out their dreams overseas. I kept thinking, I’m single, no kids, what do I have to lose? If I don’t like it or it doesn’t work out, I can always come back home. So, I went for it and I’m so glad that I did. Living in Qatar has opened my eyes up to the world not to mention the great travel opportunities it has afforded me.

 

  1. World Traveler – World traveler may be stretching it a bit but I have added 5 new passport stamps in the past 12 months. I have traveled to United Kingdom, France, Greece, United Arab Emirates (Dubai & Abu Dhabi) and of course Qatar. I used to think international travel was SO expensive but with each trip, I was always able to stay on budget. I think for most Black Women, international travel is about the perceived cost and about getting over the safety fears of being out of the United States. But now that I am living and working in Qatar, I can honestly say those fears are not a concern and I truly have no desire to return to the US. Sure, you miss family and friends but there are so many places to explore and so many more friends to make; I think it is a reasonable trade-off.

 

Typed-Writer

  1. Writer – I have always wanted to be a writer. Now, thanks to my new found courage gathered from my international travels and the successful completion of my Doctorate, I am! I started my writing career with my blog, Philly Girl Travels, http://phillygirltravels.blogspot.com/ and have just completed my 100th post. I am also excited to be putting the finishing touches on my first E-book entitled: The Procrastinator’s Guide to Completing your Dissertation: 7 Success Tips to get you to DOCTOR!

 

Admittedly, International travel is not for everyone. I still have friends questioning my sanity for moving out of the United States. But for me, this experience has enriched my life a hundred times over. You know how people always ask you the question, “If you knew then what you know now…” I can say with 100% certainty that I would have traveled internationally starting back in college and would most certainly be living my dreams out in another country. One of my favorite quote sums up my feelings: “Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams, talk you out of pursuing yours – Anonymous”

 

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