Entire Roman cities used visual cues of sex acts to direct male, female, or coupled patrons to the appropriate section so that they may find what they sought as entertainment. Very few symbols are so innately known to man as hunting, fire, and sex.

Now that I think of it, it’s almost one and the same thing, isn’t it?

Is ‘erotica’ the aesthetic, sensory stimulating, experience that people claim it to be?

Erotica is less intrusive, less banal, less animalistic and more intelligent, so they say.

Is ‘pornography’ simply anything representing nudity, sex acts or copulation?

Porn is a huge umbrella that includes every little piece of whatever people, place or thing that makes people terribly uncomfortable with themselves.

And what about the womenz????!! 

No matter if you are a fan of erotica, porn or both or neither, there’s one things that can’t be debated.

Both mediums are meant to stimulate a reaction in the observer, and they do!

People get aroused.

Be it.

Sexually.

Mentally.

Emotionally.

Check out Corset Magazine Vol 6: Porn Versus Erotica now on sale for immediate download (and a special limited time deal!)

Careful with these links!!! NSFW!!!!

Featuring the work of Inna Rae, Elle “Lady Cheeky” Chase, Brett Jackman, Elizabeth Lister, Ayna Stein, Jenna Opperman, Frances Foster, Tia Aikens, myself and many others. If you haven’t already checked out Corset Magazine, give it a peek.

You’ll find the conversation enticing, intelligent, open minded and positive.

Sex is positively a good thing. Read. Look. Stare. Have. Enjoy!

But more than anything, it seems that black women love nothing more than wasting their time handwringing about what black people who hate them are up to and think about their lives.

I’m going to talk about this more in the upcoming “acceptance” post, but I have to say it’s disturbing to me how many women in BWE and BW-centric spaces are emotionally invested in what people who hate them think about their decisions. For example, do you know what I love about “Black Women With Other Brothers?” Not only does she keep her space free of trolls, but she makes it clear 100% that she does not emotionally invest in what haters think. If anything she points and laughs. This can be upsetting to the delicate sensibilities of persons who try and preach empathy and understanding towards haters. (Wuh?) But however you handle it, there is one common theme: A noted lack of “give a damn”.

And this is simply the attitude you are going to have to take if you wish to avoid getting caught up in the wave of okey-dokes, because as Evia pointed out, we are in for a loooooot of them. More insidious and sophisticated than ever. And from all sides, as there are a great many individuals and groups who are invested in the mammy-muledom, fear, and social immobility of black women.

It’s harder on some black women than others. Particularly those looking back repeatedly to see if the Guardians of All Things Dark and Lovely (TM)  approve of them yet, have “come into the 21st century” or are willing to give the same benefit of the doubt that black men who date interracially automatically get. In other words, these black women are on some level emotionally waiting to be granted freedom and released from the black community.

Well, let me save you the trouble: IT IS NEVER EVER GOING TO HAPPEN. THE COMMUNITY WILL CRUMBLE TO THE GROUND FIRST.

The relationship black women as a whole have with the black community is an abusive one, akin to the abuser saying, “If you try to leave me, I will kill you.” Black women leaving are finding themselves emotionally threatened (you won’t be black anymore, you’re going to be sorry, etc.) or even being physically threatened by angry jealous black males. Sometimes the disapproval is fatal. The verbal abuse you endure for stepping out of line should also be obvious. Just look at the response to this “letter”.

So many people are wrapped up in whether or not this letter is real. Well, let’s consider for a moment that it IS real. What does the typical black response to it tell you about the mindset of black people when it comes to black women? I usually advice against this, but go take a look at the response in the black blogsphere. Look at the smug articles and abusive commentary. Look at the noted lack of support and wishing of even more terrible things to happen to this black woman. Observe the people getting their life from a black woman in pain.

I really couldn’t care less whether or not the letter is real, though if it is, I hope the woman in question gets herself together and leaves immediately. The major takeaway for me personally was the commentary, and so it is for any sensible black woman. Because the letter can be fake, but the hateful response from black people? All too real and all too predictable.

GAT-DL black people continue to make their hatred of black women known far and wide. As such, nothing has changed: A single glance backwards will tell you that it’s another day at the office working for The Empire. Emperor Kneegrowplease is still executing various orders in an attempt to awaken some latent form of indoctrination to keep sensible black women from leaving and taking their resources with them. These are not the droids you are looking for and all that.

Nothing has changed, ladies. So keep it moving as far away from these persons as possible. The more noise they make, the more you know you are doing something right.

STOP being overly invested in what the clowns in Trolladelphia are doing, because they want your full attention in order to steal as much of your joy as possible.

GO and get your life, and let go of the nasty habit of continuously looking back to check the “State of Hateration”. These people have no power that you don’t give them yourself.

Being aware of the tricks and attempts at manipulation sent your way is certainly a must, but this doesn’t require you get angry or fearful. Simply side-step these persons and keep walking. How emotionally invested you become in the efforts of black trolls is often an indicator of how far removed you actually are from these constructs.  If they have the ability to tap into a high level of your emotion, you are NOT free. It’s as simple as that.

Want to be free? Go on with your life and leave the hating fools to their devices.

Who the hell was I

to think I’m talented

enough and how dare I believe all that

complimentary stuff!

How silly of me to show up earnestly accepting of extended hands and smiles!

It’s all just a ‘stage’ to them; a personality in a file.

A phone number;

a introduction

and fallacious mumble.

Namaste; I remain ever so humble

lest I become nervous and my words begin to jumble.

But…..

Who the hell am I to think I’ll ever be a loved one?

or ever give birth to a son…

Or am worthy of having a shitty relationship with a

boring man who is only with me because I am the best

he can bag

As he tells his friends how much

I nag

and

as age creeps and breasts begin

to sag

He wandering eyes on she

I am used and old and now he no longer wants me.

 Who the fuck do I think I am?

Applying lipstick didn’t make me Viva La Glam

Tell me how I can learn to understand

When I haven’t been wanted by parent nor man

A wack incidental slip through life’s wide ass crack

I would change the past if I could take it all back.

I would relax and ask questions

Ask for suggestions.

I would have been more involved in those conversations.

Maybe I would pick a better situation.

or a nicer foster home.

Maybe I would pick a family or lover who would never condone

leaving me alone

and putting me out on the streets to Rome

and be forced to moan

as a love Jones

sucking on bones

but I don’t like dark meat

a tender treat

that refuses defeat

hopping in and out of the passenger seat

while I sit

on a trip

to find a grip

to buy clothes and shoes for my baby girls feet.

Who the fuck did I think I am?

I want to be a woman but I am unable

or not fit

or worthy enough to stand

on a pedestal and look down like the rest of y’all

that have the gall

I HATE YOU BITCHES!!

With your choices

and options

and

“never in your life’s”

Demeaning

and

Seething

while

Ignoring the next woman’s strife.

If pussy has value then how many men bid

on her worthiness

wait in line to use her

yet judge her for what she did?

AND

If pussy has measure

then how many women stand and

demand retribution for

circumstances requiring her to sell her treasure?

Who the fuck am I?

A fallen child of ‘GOD’

whose grace his rod could not reach.

I listened to the reverend as he stood before me and preached

It was hard to pay attention to the lesson

they insist this shit is a blessing

BUTT

He wasn’t talking about God.

No way.

No how.

I had my hands full when he told me God wanted me to

get on my knees in front of him

and bow.

Who the Fuck am I supposed to be?

I am a woman!

A whore!

A slut!

the one pulled into the high school bathroom

butter knife in my ribs stuck

I AM

Pulled and restrained in the boy crushes bathroom

and

virginity

fucked!

I AM

Pulled behind the abandoned building on Bergen Ave

AND

butt fucked

as I spaced out to escape it all

by staring at an abandoned Mr. Softee

ice cream truck.

Who the fuck did I think I was?

No dam body

as I peer in my mother’s face

trickles of red blood hitting the floor in splatters

she knew he beat me

but he paid her so it didn’t matter.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

A liar?

A thief?

A self imposed star?

Head held high in false superiority!

You strain your neck looking down

on folks ‘not like you’

to sooth your own inferiority.

Who the fuck am I?

Not a child of God

nor a man’s wife

not a rich white person

MERELY

a woman with brown skin.

Cursing

SO WHO DA FUCK AM I?

I am human

I am you, man

and it breaks the heart I clutch

I am what I am

but that’s not good enough.

Who the Fu*k Did I Think I am is a poem from Me Being Anonymous: A Book of Cursed Poem and Verse sold on Amazon. I’m giving away two free copies of my book to BBW readers. Email tracy@rhedbananamedia.com with the subject “Gimme a Book TJ” and tell me why you think its important that women support all women.

Because I dam sure do….*peace fingers*

Put simply, VAWA protects rape victims from their accused rapists during trial or at any other time. Under the law, women will not be forced to pay for their own medical expenses or to face trial alongside their alleged aggressors. In addition, it mandates that accused rapists be held responsible for their actions in the eyes of the law regardless of whether that law is native or non-native. So, logically, it just makes sense to extend these protections to every woman on American soil.

Why Are These New Provisions So Important?

In the case of Native women, rape and sexual abuse is a major issue which goes unrecognized by many in the general population.

“Although Native American and Alaska Native women experience sexual violence at a much higher rate than other women in the United States—two and a half times higher—and although Department of Justice studies show that 86 percent of perpetrators are non-Native men, tribal authorities had had no jurisdiction to prosecute and mete out justice.”

Given these facts, House Republicans’ actions to strip protections for these women out of the Senate bill sent a very disheartening message to those impacted directly and women in general. Why make the blatant effort to remove rights as opposed to reinforce them? Well, it’s likely because Republicans in the House are vehemently opposed to supporting anything even remotely coordinated with President Obama or Senate Democrats. So much so, they are willing to compromise the invaluable protections women in this country depend on to protect them in the case of physical or sexual abuse or rape.

Here is the bigger issue with this poor showing from our Congress: these people are elected to represent ALL of us – every single person on American soil. In my opinion, Native women are not impervious to rape from American-born men so why would they be impervious to protections? If an American commits a crime in another country, they are held responsible by said country’s government. Why should Native American and Alaska Native governments be treated any differently?

Women who identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer are no less American so why exactly would they need to be stripped from the bill? House Republicans seem to be saying that they have very specific, isolated groups of citizens they are willing to represent. Everyone else, it appears, should be left to their own guises.

What happened to the days when we all agreed that rape was bad? And, not only was it bad but it was something worth punishing no matter the cost? It is almost bewildering that a bill like VAWA would come up against any push back in Congress given its extremely sensitive and universally accepted purpose. Yet, our Congress struggled to work together on a rape bill?

And, in an embarrassing turn of events, these same Republicans who voted against the bill have been coming out in droves to pretend as though they actually supported the bill in its passed form. So, not only are they shameless in their lack of support for women, they are shamelessly taking credit for the final product which they had no actual role in fulfilling.

There isn’t much else to say here. But, I just do not see this as a celebratory moment. When violence against women is seen as a point of negotiation, we should all – especially those of the female persuasion – be extremely concerned. This is not a fluke. It will likely continue. Let’s just hope that the next batch of negotiations doesn’t turn out like the sequester did.

Feature Credit: Loop21.com

Did you ever wish you could be a fly on the wall in a barber shop, or maybe in the locker room so that you could hear for yourself?

There are a rare few places that a woman can catch unfiltered male conversation. It is where men congregate without the presence of women around to chastise, criticize or question them. The absence of women isn’t literal, there are some women around, but these women aren’t ‘real women’, as in, these women are powerless to do anything about these men’s point of views.

It’s no surprise that men behave a certain way among each other; they think women would not be receptive to certain behaviors and opinions so these are whispered words among ‘insiders’ only and in safe environments (without women).

When men aren’t allowed or are unwilling to be honest and open then women are left to presume certain beliefs about men or they create their own version of what they think men feel and believe.

Of course, as you can see, I am a female, and so some of these conversations went on because the men either A) didn’t think me a ‘real woman’ worthy of polite conversation or B) maybe I wasn’t seen as someone who is ‘uptight’ because I didn’t argue back with them regarding their opinions or C) maybe they didn’t give a fuck what I thought and said what they said because that’s how they felt and I should report back tog Woman Land with my new knowledge or D) they could/would fire me, or cut my throat and dump me behind a warehouse if I had an opinion on their opinion of women.

Not all unfiltered male conversation is derogatory and bad though. And what was derogatory had nothing to do with class, race or education, the most educated on down to the ignorant have their specific feelings about Black women.

Some of what I learned about men came from platonic male friends who were just happy to have someone to listen to them and not judge them for their honest feelings.

Some of what I know came from lovers, married, separated, taken, single and otherwise, as they discussed the many, many reasons they found themselves seeking the comforts of a woman in a non-traditional sense.

What do Black men say about Black women when we women aren’t around?  

She doesn’t like to have sex and/or fellatio/cunnilingus…they never really use those terms but you get the idea.

If I had a nickel for each time I heard this one, baby, I’d be so rich!

I’m not sure how to go about taking a head count on who gives head behind closed doors but I will say I think the younger girls are over the stigma of oral sex and so this point becomes moot the younger you are.

However, there’s something strange brewing in the bedrooms of younger Black men, I’ll need time and space elsewhere to go into details. For now I’ll say that BW are rumored to dislike oral sex on the receiving and the giving end.

I’m presuming this is related to the slave master/rape/chaste/respectability mind fuck that make some BW feel they are dirty and that no man would enjoy being ‘down there’ or that their vagina’s are only for thrusting and birthing babies and not for the sexual pleasure of themselves or their mate. There are also those men who don’t want their wife and mother of their kids to do ‘that’ but they have no problem paying a toothless whore $20 to do the same function. There’s another story in there somewhere, but I digress…

Either way, men, of all races. enjoy oral sex. And I’m not saying that BW don’t do the do, I’m saying theses are the complaints of Black men whose wives don’t.

Many BM seek to give and receive and wish to feel that they are pleasing and giving pleasure to their mate and not that they are forcing a certain sex act on her.

I feel bad for those guys who are married and can’t get their wives to meet them in the bedroom the way they desire. If and when he does voice his preference he may be met with a reaction that is intended to shame his wants and that really sucks.

Some women use shame as a control tactic, when you signed up for ‘all that’ too bad for you that you didn’t know it included Lego pieces, popcorn and toe nail clippings, eh?

He may be faced with a woman who is not on the same level as he when it comes to comfort and an experimental nature. If I could tell you about the amount of Black women who have sex with their husbands like they are rape victims. Or those who offer themselves only under certain conditions like only at night, on a holiday or special occasional  only during a meteor shower, only when the kids aren’t in the house, or only on the very rare occasion.

She may be ashamed of her body and hide it during sex, and while she’s focused on her own dislike of her body she’s not mentally present in bed with her man.

I hear all type of things, often from curiosity, I don’t think its an intention to compare as one better than the other but rather a man’s attempt to understand that not all women are like the woman that he has at home.

More times than not, he wants to know how to make her be like me, and not wishing that I would take her place.

Most men, who have this complaint would like to have all of their business handled by the woman he chose to marry/be with.

I encourage my male friends to vet their women according to their wants and needs. It’s the same exact thing I tell females to do.

A woman can claim to be willing to do ‘marital’ things in bed once married but any man who greatly values sex will want to work out details of sex before marriage.

There are many, many, many sexually unfulfilled couples (men &women) who are in sexless marriages. They may have love but when he starts stepping out to get his needs met, or if he’s got a physical brick wall up to protect him from your emotional wall and sexual distance, don’t be surprised when he leaves or cheats.

Black women rope men into marriages but then drop the ball and hold him to the standard ‘of death do us part’ while both parties are no more than roommates who share a last name.

Your husband does not want to have to convince and beg you into having sex with him. Grown folks will want to do grown people things and if you aren’t willing to do certain things you will find that the need gets repressed but it does not go away.

Feeling obligated to have sex isn’t healthy either so if a woman feels she has problems in the bedroom she should address them. If there are things that can be done to increase her desire to have sex, then she should tell her husband, if it gets both of you to a happy medium there’s no reason to not try to work things out.

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, and I think some women spend so much time focusing on the value of their lack of sex (virginity/chastity) prior to marriage that they forget to be prepared for the day when they do settle down into a marriage.

I also realize that sexual abuse can affect a woman and her ability to be comfortable in bed. If that is the case then there are therapists who specialize in such things. There is a huge amount of Black women’s sex literature being published online, there are images, stories, message boards and other places one can find resources if need be.

Any issue that is so  huge as to affect a woman’ s sexual performance should be addressed before attempting to settle down with a man, or at the very least, a woman should be willing to inform him of her problems so that he can be mindful of her needs and patient while she works on them.

Keeping information such as sexual abuse or sexual dysfunction from someone you are in a relationship with is another indicator that Black couples are partnering but they sure as Hell aren’t a healthy couple.

Not all couples have sex, so if you wish to have a marriage where sex is not a priority. then I suggest you discuss this ahead of time.

Society views Black men as disposable humans, worthless mates, scary monster and disgusting sexual predators. You married him and he should not have to feel that way when he turns to the woman who is supposed to want and desire him for who is.

It’s a train wreck of a situation for both parties.

Much of what was said to me was done because of my biracial ambiguous physical features, anytime I would defend or protest on behalf of Black women, I was reminded that I’m not really Black and/or that I was ‘different’ from other Black women.

And though it may sound strange to say, maybe I am different.

Rather than condemnation, I felt curious, sad and hopeful at what I learned from Black men of what they see, live and experience as they love Black women.

Next: What Black Men Say About Black Women and Her Kids

So…based on this infographic, you might need a magnifying glass if you decide to settle in Korea, and you might have chronic back aches if you go dating in the Congo. Italy and Belgium look pretty good though…

Pay special attention to these parts here:

“At the time, Traylor was in what she believed was a monogamous relationship. During her annual doctor’s visit, she was disturbed to realize she had to ask specifically for an HIV test on top of a standard STD panel. She insisted on taking the test even though her doctor told her — as a heterosexual woman involved in a monogamous relationship — that she was low risk.

Later Traylor broke up with her boyfriend and began a new committed relationship. That was the year her life changed. Despite vigilance in testing, Traylor wasn’t prepared for what she found out at her doctor’s visit that year: She was HIV positive. Two weeks later she learned she was pregnant with her second child.”

It hadn’t been her current boyfriend who’d given her the disease, but rather an ex-boyfriend to whom she had been faithfully committed.

Who wants to bet she was led to believe that she was the “only one” this guy was sleeping with? It could be a situation where you have a man that’s HIV+ but doesn’t care and is just out infecting black women because he’s full of evil and hate. And that’s scary enough on its own. But even more scary than that? It could be he had no idea and still has no idea he’s HIV+. And that’s often the case despite these very real facts taken from the article in question:

- According to the CDC, 50,000 Americans are infected with HIV each year, and 25% of those are between the ages of 13 and 24.

- Sixty percent of youth with HIV don’t know they have it, despite recommendations from the CDC, the American Academy of Pediatrics and the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force.

Some other aspects of the article that a lot black women don’t want to hear about: The black men passing around AIDs aren’t just creeping around with “dirty man-stealing hos”. Sometimes the other woman is ACTUALLY the other man:

“The reality is, today, the majority of HIV infections are among men who have sex with men,” Kaplan said. “Without a doubt, we need broader screening efforts, but I think overall we need broader talk about sexuality in the United States.”

I would gladly rephrase that as “talk about sexuality among the black community”, because for all the NO HOMO! talk, some down-low love is going on, and it’s not all in jail and against someone’s will.

A number of young (and old) black women need to wake up to some uncomfortable realities when it comes to their bodies and their love life.

First, too many black women assume that the rules of a committed relationship outside of marriage is totally the same as being married. Just because you are faithful and true and almost-married doesn’t mean the brotha you’re with feels the same. And with there being more black women around than black men, especially women with man-sharing behaviors, what makes you think they want to feel that way? They certainly don’t have to feel that way. For your own peace of mind and physical safety…VET YOUR MEN WELL!

And by the way, that’s just the heterosexual black men. As was pointed out, a lot of black women are being infected by the double-dipping nobody wants to talk about: bisexual black men or gay black men playing the role of straight male. Men having unprotected sex with other men, and the infected men passing STDs/STIs along to their partners (both men and women), who then pass it to someone else, who passes it to someone else, etc.

In a recent post, there was a lot of talk about black women feeling “threatened” about holding onto a man and believing that if they don’t give it up, someone else will. That sort of I-need-to-spread-my-legs-to-keep-a-man fear is real, and it’s ruining lives because it’s built on an ugly lie. No man that demands you spread your legs or they’re “gonna find someone who will” is worth keeping. Especially if you’re being given this ultimatum after knowing the man all of two weeks. Laugh, but it does happen. And some young women don’t know they don’t have to listen to this kind of talk. They don’t know that they should insist on using condoms even if it doesn’t make their beau happy. They don’t know that every act of unprotected sex risks much more than an unwanted pregnancy.

These young women are risking their health and possibly their lives.

It isn’t enough to pretend that your being with one guy is enough to save your life and your womb. Because it’s not. Get tested often, and always use protection. Monogamy isn’t a condom.

But not all black women know how to function in society. Especially not in a way that is safe and sensible, let alone not embarrassing. But lets put aside embarrassing and focus on “safe and sensible”.

I’m going to re-introduce the definition of machoism from the previous post. AGAIN, please note the emphasis:

Machoism: Prominently exhibited or displayed masculinity….Characteristics include domineering, fierceness, bravado, and similar behavior patterns displayed showily or histrionically as being tough…The machismo of members of the human species are all exaggerated features that may cause injury to individuals that display them but attract females.

I say again from the above definition, “MAY CAUSE INJURY TO INDIVIDUALS THAT DISPLAY THEM.”

So then, anyone want to look at that video of the woman being tasered or the video of the woman getting her lights knocked out by the bus driver and tell me how what I witnessed did not fall under this category? Machoism, by its very definition is the combination of behaviors that are overly aggressive attempts to show off how “hardcore” you are and being placed in a situation that will very likely lead to harm.

And this is true of men.

I asked before, and I ask again, “If this behavior is dangerous to men, how does it become safe or okay for women?”

The answer remains the same: It does NOT.

I called the behavior an attack on black femininity and I’m not backing down from that claim. If anything, something in the video (other than the violence) happened that I found to be very interesting.

One of the children of the macho women in the video starts yelling, “THAT’S WHY YOU’RE GAY!” While what I assume is his mother or his mother’s friend is calling this guy a p*ssy.

The implication is that unless he acts in as an aggressive manner as they are, his masculinity is in jeopardy of being non-existant. He is not a man, he is a woman and this is somehow bad. This is the cornerstone of macho-thinking: I am challenging your manhood, and if you are a man, you will step to me and prove your masculinity.

Let’s stop and think about this for a moment. Femininity and womanhood is removed from this logic to the extent where it is expected that both parties recognize each other as masculine beings. Yes, that is exactly what we are seeing. Not only that, it is being openly detested and used as a goading tactic to incite violence.

How common is this behavior between overly aggressive and testosterone-laden males? And how common is it that from that point, it very well does escalate to violence?

And herein lies the problem when it comes to macho little black girls, teens, and women: They are not exceptions to the violence they are inciting.

Machoism in women is not a “have your cake and eat it too!” reality, where you get to behave in a way where you are challenging men as a man yourself, completely forsaking your womanhood, and then expect everyone to remember that you are a woman and that no harm will come to you.

The look of shock on the woman’s face (that’s not a pun, she looked shocked) when she got tased said it all. She honestly thought she could physically threaten this man, attack this man, and then everything would work out because she’s a woman. She tried it with the wrong man.

And she remains lucky that it was her pride that was hurt and she’ll be leaving with her life. People have been tased to death, you know.

But still, what if it had been a man with a gun? Or sans weapon, what if she was beaten to death right there in front of her crying children?

Tough questions must be asked of any community that attempts to normalize dangerous behaviors in women because they feel it’s safer to have hypermasculine little girls, lest they become “fast” little black girls. Tracy made a very telling observation in the referenced post:

“Don’t be too shocked ladies, lack of teaching about black female ‘hygiene’ is another form of them avoiding her ‘fastness’… That’s not poverty, that’s a mental condition causing the neglect. ”

I do strongly suspect that this behavior is a sadistic attempt to encourage black women into a mentality and lifestyle that “protects them” from being feminine little girls. Because there are too many predators in the black community who don’t see a sweet little girl. Instead, they see a wet hole just asking for it because she’s a ho anyway. And the further a little girl is from, well a little girl, the less likely she’s supposed to be confused with one. If she’s out challenging men and threatening violence, no one would think about sexing her…right?

Well…the women in the video were mothers so there goes that logic.

What we have instead is the Frankenstein creation of neglect and ignorance, the false belief that womanhood cast aside can be trusted to be remembered by every challenged party. The machoism that is getting women hurt and killed.

No one is saying wear a dress always and throw tea parties. No one is saying be “traditionally” feminine. At least I’m not saying this.

What I am trying to drive home is the reality of machoism, and that it is an unhealthy level of aggression that gets men AND women hurt and killed.

I am not a romantic so I’m not going to lie to you about this: There are no exceptions to this rule.

If you play with fire, you are going to get burned. If you encourage black girls to act like overly aggressive prison yard criminals, then that’s how they’ll behave, and when they step to the wrong person, they are going to inevitably get hurt.

How does this behavior become corrected?

I honestly don’t know. I think if I person wants to change they can. Of course that requires they know there’s something fundamentally wrong with their behavior. Why would you change aspects of yourself that you don’t consider problematic?

I guess the first step is acknowledging that this is a problem that is far too common to be any good. That this is not the way to encourage your black daughters to be, even if you delude yourself into believing hyper aggression and black male criminal imitation is less problematic than everyone knowing your dealing with a girl/woman. Because the worst case scenario is absolute success: Your girl-child/daughter’s machoism encourages her to get in the face of someone who is armed and or dangerous and it gets her killed.

Author’s Note:

As before, I’m not taking about sexuality (although the homophobia/misogyny expressed is rather interesting given the behavior, and definitely worth a topic of its own) or being “a tomboy”. There is a CLEAR and distinct difference between being a tomboy and being a hyper-aggressive black girl trying to fight and beat up on everyone. Please don’t play dumb.

Also, please note again that machoism is a definition usually used to describe distinctly human male behaviors, while still calling those behaviors “harmful”. So understand this is a way of being that while masculine is still considered wrong. In other words, for those who think this is an attack on less traditional and feminine black women, here you have a definition aimed at men telling them that it is unsafe. Attempting to make it safe for women because they are women is not forward thinking or progressive and expect me to challenge you if you try and pass it off as such. There are too many hurt and dead black women proving otherwise.

Misrecognition and Stereotypes

Harris-Perry thoroughly discusses the term misrecognition when she articulates the use of stereotypes to truncate opportunities, esteem, and worth initiatives for black women. What is misrecognition? It is the misjudgement or mis-characterization of an entire person’s self based on perceived or assumed traits (positive or negative). Misrecognition is inherent in race-based stereotyping because it a) assumes that a perfect stranger can accurately gauge another individual’s race, ethnicity, or heritage from perception alone, b) seeks to identify certain behaviors as attributable to their own understanding of said race, and c) relies on very limited information or exposure to make those judgements.

Misrecognition is extremely powerful. And, it plays directly into the notion of the crooked room. The crooked room says that an individual is only one of several predesignated characters. And, it assigns folks into categories based on those imagined and pre-fitted roles. Once those roles are assigned, individuals are measured by their congruence with these crooked images. And, when they fall in line with negative images like Sapphire or Jezebel, they are shamed for their behavior.

So what is shame exactly?

‘Re-integrative’ Shame versus Stigmatizing Shame

Were you ever that kid who got a whoopin’ in the church bathroom? Maybe you got pulled out of a room by your ear? Or, better yet, maybe you and your cousins had to go outside and pick a switch to get your punishment after having a pillow fight? I was all of those kids. And, if you experienced these things, then you, like me, have experienced re-integrative shaming. This type of shaming usually comes from authority figures or parents who use punishment in a more public setting to teach you acceptable behaviors.

For example, a child with a cursing problem might be forced to wash his or her mouth out with soap. And, that action, though disgusting, teaches the child to remove the dirty words from his or her vocabulary. But, as long as it isn’t followed up by repeated extremes and the child is welcomed back into the loving family with no strings attached, the act is neither exclusionary nor permanent.

But, there is a different, much more diabolical form of this punishment called stigmatizing shame. Stigmatizing shame does not seek to teach the individual much except that his or her whole person (not the behavior) is bad. Stigmatizing shame was a foundational aspect of slavery and Jim Crow. It said, in a sense, that black people were inherently bad, dirty, unclean, wanton, and barbaric. Instead of attributing certain features to certain individuals, it inspired the adoption of collective stigmas associated with the entire group in order to subjugate and reduce all of the individuals within the group.

Stigmatizing shame teaches LGBTQ folks to stay “in the closet.” It teaches those who have been victims of sexual assault to keep quiet so they don’t seem like they somehow welcomed the abuse. Stigmatizing shame teaches young women and men climbing the social ladder to hide their poor beginnings. And, for black women, stigmas about natural hair textures, eating habits, voice tempo and volume, career choices, child rearing, and a host of other things have taught us to hide behind a variety of more “acceptable” social norms.

Any of this stuff sound familiar?

How Shame Works

One key characteristic in the collective shaming of black women is a term Harris-Perry calls fictive kinship.

“The term ‘fictive kinship’ refers to connections between members of a group who are unrelated by blood or marriage but who nonetheless share reciprocal social or economic relationships.”

This notion of innate connection to others in a social group helps to draw pride from images like President Obama. But, conversely, the same kinship draws shame from folks like Shawty Lo or Kanye West. It is this kinship that leaves the black community reeling when a prominent black figure cheats on his wife or goes into a fit of rage on national television. And, it is this same kinship that helps to reiterate societal pressures to avoid unsavory images at all costs.

According to Harris-Perry, feelings of shame occur when we feel exposed to and in disappointment of a “real or imagined audience.” Shame happens when we become worried about what other people might think. Eerily though, Harris-Perry notes that, “when we feel ashamed, we assume the room is straight and that the self is off-kilter.” So, if the self is indeed “off-kilter,” we are then normalizing the crooked behavior and marginalizing our true identities.

When this happens, individuals become desensitized to obscure images of themselves and one another and snuggle into the comfortable slot carved out for them in the crooked room. And, in many cases, the shame works to keep people, who would otherwise be socially mobile, in a repetitive cycle of immobility, thereby validating the crooked images. This is called self-fulfilling prophecy.

But, what happens when someone who actually isn’t one of those crooked images is treated like they are? I am glad you asked. I’ve got a scenario for that.

What Happened at the End of the Sapphire Post?

Well, in the last installment of this series, I left off with a riveting story of my arrest for school truancy. And, after reading this book, that situation became so much clearer to me. I realized that that cop was attempting to shame me. And he was succeeding.

Gather ’round folks…I’m going to finish the story…

“It is instances like these that produce those angry little black girls. It is instances like these that harden feminine hearts. It is instances like these that prove that neither academia nor athleticism nor altruism can work to defray the weight of the burdensome angry black woman load. And, in fighting this white cop, I was fighting against a larger societal vision for me. I was attempting to stand against something much bigger than myself to no avail.”

The cop took me to a middle school about 15 miles away from my high school. He never said a word to me for the entire ride.

“Is this a real cop car? Like where criminals ride?”

Silence.

“Why am I in the backseat?”

Silence.

So, I sat there with my thoughts. Crying. And, crying. Then, I stopped. I literally just stopped. I was pissed off. I was angry. I was REALLY angry. As we pulled up, I saw a line of black kids going into the truancy center. They were girls, boys, some of them looked grown. And, there were cops everywhere. Laughing and chatting. Drinking coffee. But they weren’t talking to the kids.

The cop took me out of the car cradling my head on the way out of the vehicle like he actually gave a crap.

“Okay, go stand in that line. Give them your name and what school you came from. Go upstairs and they will have reading material for you. You can do homework also.”

“I don’t have my homework. You picked me up at second period and wouldn’t let me get my backpack. When can I go home?”

“That is up to you parents.”

I laughed to myself, “parents.” Whatever. I got in line behind a girl with super long finger nails and braids and waited to tell some chick who I was so I could ruin my otherwise perfect school record. Once I handled that deed, I went upstairs and sat at the smallest table known to man in a room full of other high school students sitting at similar tables. There were no adults in the room. It was like baby detention or something.

On the tables they had little pamphlets with phrases like “why am I here?” and “what is a truant?” I was over it. Done. A lady came over to me and asked me if I wanted to call my mom or dad. Once I did, I realized that no one really gave a crap that I was in baby prison for the day. My mother and my brother (because dad was the no-show type) were not going to exit their quaint little daily plans for me to get back to my academic studies and perfect grades.

My teachers weren’t going to put out an APB. And, life would go on. I looked around at everyone else, and they all looked as if they felt the exact same way. We were corralled in this room away from our friends, not talked to, not addressed, and basically shunned to make a point. We were bad. Being a truant was bad. And therefore, we were bad. The reasons didn’t matter. The intentions didn’t matter. All that mattered was the color of our skin and the location of our feet on a curb during school hours.

And, it worked. I felt ashamed. I prayed that I would never see these people again. I prayed that no one from my church had seen me in the cop car. I prayed that my purse and backpack would be safe for the remainder of the school day. And, I prayed that someone would at least acknowledge me. And, when my brother came to get me a few hours later, his nonchalance and ineffectual attitude showed me that he thought I was bad too. And, his feelings made me feel even more ashamed.

The shame was almost inescapable. And, that was the point. That white cop did his job that day…

To be continued…When Shame is an Action Word and Reactions to Shame

Buy the book here.

If you don’t want to have causal sex with multiple partners, feel pressure to do so, may have even done so and regretted it later, and you think it’s harder now to get into monogamous relationships, then this post may help you feel more confident in saying “NO”. 

This CNN video may shed some light on the context of this post…but then again maybe not.

Social Norms and Sexual Norms

What women do with their privates is no one else’s business and it doesn’t harm anyone as long as the sex is consensual and safe right? I disagree. I think some people are oblivious to the fact that there are sexual norms (it’s intro social psychology and sociology). Sometimes these people even propose that basically anything sexual is normal as long as it’s consensual. They don’t realize that they are establishing the new sexual norm of ‘anything goes and everything is okay’ and that there is something ‘abnormal’ about you if you think otherwise.

“Social Norms are the expectations about how people should act. Usually social norms are created by having the same sort of certain behaviors among social group members. Also, there are usually negative consequences when someone violates a social norm…Norms do serve a purpose, as they allow people to expect the events that will occur in a particular setting. This allows people to prepare themselves for being in that situation. Uncertainty is a big source of psychological stress. Norms allow us to reduce the uncertainty that we might otherwise feel in a situation, or leading up to a situation if we knew nothing about how that situation would unfold.”(source; also see Wikipedia definition)

In other words, once a norm for promiscuity is set, both men and women will come to expect it and many will conform to it. In the past it was only men and promiscuous women saying sex was fun, it’s no big deal etc. and it was easier to say no because they advocated out of self-interest. You see, saying it’s okay to be promiscuous, women should not be judged or shamed, and that some women enjoy the activity with no ill effects is one thing. But when an ideological group, Third Wave feminists, state sleeping around is empowered, that it helps women figure out what they like in bed, or it shows they are not repressed by the patriarchy, then that’s a different story. It’s associating promiscuity with positive things that many women want because they want to be empowered, satisfied with sex, and not slaves to men. When Third Wave feminists (who some women identify with, respect, and trust are looking out for their best interests) imply that being promiscuous has these benefits, women may start questioning themselves and start sleeping around against their better judgement. Some women assume that feminists are not advocating sexual practices for ideological self-interest while disregarding the affect these practices have on individual women–they just want what’s best for you right?  ”"Feminism is not the freedom to act like a dickhead,”…”These women are individualists, not feminists” (source). They don’t care that hold outs may experience prude-shaming by women implying that they are repressed, frigid, too uptight, too old fashioned, insecure, not giving their bodies what they want, missing out, not free thinkers, something is wrong with them, or they won’t be able to keep a man (similar to the things men say to coerce women into having sex..hmmm).

For example, if most women sleep with men on the first date then that becomes the norm, and men will pressure other women to “be normal” and have sex on the the first date. This in turn will confirm and perpetuate the norm. Feminists supporting promiscuity makes it that much harder to hold out. Personally, I’m more concerned about protecting abstainers from pressure than about hurting the feelings (i.e., shaming or judging) of people who knew the risks, ignored the warnings, and went full steam ahead anyway. “Norms can be self-perpetuating, as once they are established they will often continue, even when those who established them have long since left the situation” (source). So if promiscuous women get married (maybe even by lying to their husbands about their sex number), get old, or stop dating, then other single women are left with the norm! Future generations will suffer because of other women’s actions and many young girls are already caving to the pressure.