It also helps black women be wise when knowing when and how to pick their battles or allies. ESPECIALLY when confronted with a would-be ally or another individual who pulls rank.

What do I mean by “pull rank”? I mean that the person uses their position of privilege in a way that suggests:

- They are better than you

- They and their concerns are more important than you and your concerns

- You are obligated to follow them because of where they stand in a particular hierarchy

- You are to sacrifice your best interests and roll under the bus willingly

This thought came about thanks to the  recent discussion on Jason Collins. I do not know whether or not he personally intended to pull rank, but that’s pretty much what happened.

That’s why his ex-gf was thrown under the bus. That’s why so many openly gay women athletes were thrown under the bus. In the hierarchy, man trumps gay and it trumps woman. So people thinking GLBT rights is a completely united front where everyone’s best interest are given equal weight might want to keep that nugget at the back of their mind. This is often the case with movements that claim to be about everyone, but are really about who has the highest rank and how to expand their privileges moreso than everyone else’s.

Black women experience this from various movements and individuals thanks to intersectionality. It may be overt and direct, like a conversation with your boss. It could be subtle or indirect as well. In fact, many attempts to pull rank on black women are just that: Subtle and indirect.

Someone is always looking to tell black women how to think and feel about themselves, and if black women think and feel too much about themselves, here comes the rank-pull.

There are two situations where this happens.

The Sacrificial Lamb

There is a reason I do not like the “victim narrative” when it comes to certain ostracized and discriminated groups seeking rights (or just expanding what privileges they have that others don’t). It is a narrative that often requires sacrifice to get what is wanted. And what is often sacrificed is the image, happiness, and finances of black women.

Despite the fact that black women have marched, picketed, and paid dues on behalf of various groups, you will be hard pressed to find one where a black woman is the face of that group.

When you are giving so much to a cause that will not acknowledge you as an equal partner, you have been made the sacrificial lamb.

Or, if there is a situation where someone has a chance to garner positive attention for themselves or their cause and they can’t risk looking bad or getting hurt, they will stick the sacrificial lamb out front to take the hits. In Chess, the least important piece is the pawn. Yes, a pawn can win a Chess game, but not before so many of them have been sacrificed for victory.

A willing pawn is someone who accepts their lack of worth as it relates to someone who out-ranks them. These willing pawns offer themselves up as sacrifices so that the other person or group may benefit. And the hilarious part? The person benefitting a lot of the time won’t even acknowledge or thank the willing pawn.  Their privileged point of view tells them that it’s the natural course of action that the lesser lay down for their better.

Black women, so long as you have options and a functioning brain, it should be clear for you to see why you don’t want to be the sacrificial lamb for anyone else. Get as far way from individuals and groups looking to use you rather than try and better you.

It’s not Easter and you aren’t Jesus: Let somebody else pay it all!

The Ego-Boost

There is a lot of push-back from different people regarding an increasing number of black women realizing their worth and getting their life: They are losing a means of inflating their sad little ego.

For the insecure nobodies of the world, black women have often served as a quick way of feeling good about themselves. You will often find people eager to discuss why black women are undesirable, uneducated, etc. because it gives them a chance to ignore how lacking they are as individuals. It doesn’t matter what the race or gender is: People are ALWAYS looking to throw salt in the game of people they feel better than (INTERSECTIONALITY IS A HELL OF A DRUG). Which is why you have to pay close attention to the individual, what their motives are, and whether their actions say that they are for you or against you.

Many people who get an ego-boost through holding you back will try and pull-rank to remind you and others that they have something over you. This ego-boost is about them and not you. Just the same, you have to be careful because some people are so insecure that a failure to gain the appropriate response or a response that crushes their limited ego will lead to them trying to hurt or undermine you in anyway that they can. Which is why you need to STOP worrying about people who aren’t for you and limit your contact with such persons. The less is better and no, trying to put out feelers and build bridges isn’t going to work. You’re wasting valuable time.

People who pull rank to boost their egos are not looking to be your friend and ally: They are looking to ASSERT THEIR DOMINANCE OVER YOU.

When it comes to these people, you have to look at the situation, who they are, how they impact your life and what your options are. And move forward with the amount of care relevant to the impact this person can have on you. Try and judge your response according to your best interest, make a mental note of the type of person you are dealing with, and then simply limit your interaction with that person as much as possible if not entirely. Because they aren’t going to change and their opinion of your relevance to their ego isn’t going to change either. So why should you care? Worry about yourself and your best interests and do what you can to protect yourself from any fallout.

Situations where rank is pulled on black women vary. What are some appropriate responses to dealing with people who “pull rank”? And bear in mind that there ARE situations where a black woman can’t just walk away…

Obama said that too many young black men make “bad choices.”

“Growing up, I made quite a few myself,” Obama said. “Sometimes I wrote off my own failings as just another example of the world trying to keep a black man down. I had a tendency to make excuses for me not doing the right thing.”

But, the president implored, “we’ve got no time for excuses.”

Too many young black men make bad choices. We’ve got no time for excuses.

Like I already wrote, the message is clear for those that are listening: There will be no new programs designed to help black men, black women, children, or black people in general; whatever future gains individual blacks will lay hold to, those gains will come from individual effort and achievement. President Obama has already said he is “not the President of Black America,” he is the President of the United States of America.

In the Morehouse speech Obama paid lip service to the usual platitudes about racism and discrimination, but he also tempered his acknowledgement of the harsh reality that America is not yet a completely fair and equal society with the admonishment that such harsh realities can no longer be used as an excuse for young black men to not succeed:“In today’s hyper-connected, hyper-competitive world, with millions of young people from China and India and Brazil, many of whom started with a whole lot less than all of you did, all of them entering the global workforce alongside you, nobody is going to give you anything you haven’t earned,” he said. “Nobody cares how tough your upbringing was. Nobody cares if you suffered some discrimination.”

Nobody cares if you suffered discrimination.

Most poignantly, the President told the graduates not to shirk their family responsibilities. The overwhelming majority of black children will not grow up spending the majority of their youth in a married household. And being raised in a household by a single mother may actually be worse for boys than for girls. In the end, the only way to reverse the cycle of family disintegration and it’s negative effects on all family members is for more black men (and black women!) to be raised in two-parent households and for individual black people to excel on their own merits–and even the President of the United States of America has said as much.

Watch the entire speech below.

_____________________________________
Jamila Akil is a senior Editor at Beyond Black and White. Follow her on Twitter @jamilaakil

Doesn’t Ms. Washington look so purrrtty?

Dodai Stewart, of Jezebel, was wondering, only a few months ago, when would Ms. Washington finally get a cover:

Washington has been on the covers of Essence, Ebony and Women’s Health, which is great. But these are not the mainstream glossies that really confirm a celebrity has arrived. Washington was on a version of Elle’s Women in Hollywood issue, but as with Octavia Spencer, Washington’s cover was not on newsstands. Sarah Jessica Parker was awarded that honor.

With this cover, Ms. Washington is finally playing with the big boys (and girls), but did she squander a bit of her hard-earned new celebrity star power and cache with her role in Peeples, a Tyler Perry-produced flick which just flopped its opening weekend?
_________________________________
Jamila Akil is a Senior Editor at Beyond Black and White. Follow her on Twitter @jamilaakil

Elinor Elizabeth Powell (my mother’s maiden name is Powell, this lady could have been a cousin!) was one of the few black nurses who was able to serve during the war, and discrimination and segregation of blacks meant that black nurses got the least desirable assignments. Elinor got the job of tending to German prisoners of war, which is where she met Frederick Albert. According to Chris Albert, their son (59), here’s what he said to her as soon as he set eyes upon her: “It was in the officers’ mess hall, and my father was working in the kitchen. He kind of boldly made his way straight for my mother and said: ‘You should know my name. I’m the man who’s going to marry you.’”

Can you imagine the boldness of that statement, and how freaking HOT that is?!  Now that’s a MAN.

This couple when through many hardships to stay together, beginning with Frederick being beaten by American soldiers upon them finding out he and Elinor were in love. A product of their affair produced a son, and this MAN came back from Germany upon his release to MARRY the mother of HIS child.

Their unlikely romance resulted in Stephen’s [their oldest son] birth in December 1946. After Frederick was able to return to the United States, he and Elinor married on June 26, 1947, in Manhattan.

You absolutely must read this story in it’s entirety. It is just about the most romantic thing I’ve read in a long time. Ladies, let this be a lesson for you–marry the man who will swim through shark-infested waters, do battle with Jim Crow, and denounce Hitler for you.

Defiance is for you sci-fi junkies out there.

The cast of Defiance, from left to right: Datak Tarr and his wife Stahma Tarr; town sheriff Amanda Rosewater; Amanda’s sister, bar owner Kenya Rosewater; Nolan; Irisa; and, Rafe McCauley, owner of McCauley Mines.

In Defiance the year is 2046, three decades after seven alien races have come to Earth for a new beginning after their home worlds have been destroyed. The show is set in the town of Defiance, which used to be the city of St. Louis, Missouri. A human, Nolan (played by Grant Bowler) and his adopted daughter Irisa (Stephanie Leonidas), wind up in the town of Defiance as they were attempting to make their way to Antarctica, which is now supposed to be a paradise. As Nolan and Irisa settle in, the town becomes increasingly unsettled, as one social climbing couple attempts to accumulate power, and the town encounters a steady stream of threats which could bring it to destruction.

Defiance airs Monday nights at 9/8c and Deadline is reporting that the show has been picked up for a second season.

Mad Men is the 60′s come to life.

Jon Hamm (the star of Mad Men) surrounded by the shows’ leading ladies

This is the sixth season of Mad Men and Don Draper (Jon Hamm) is still up to his old tricks–having sex with beautiful women other than his wife and being a successful creative director of an up-and-coming ad agency.

Teyonah Parris, who plays Draper’s secretary, Dawn Chambers, is the character I’ve got my eye on this season. It’s the sixties, which was a very turbulent time for civil rights in the United States. Basically, the only reason Dawn, a black woman, was hired in the first place was because Don’s colleague thought it would be funny to poke fun at the racism of a competitor ad agency–the end result being that Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce had to hire a black person in order to cover up their own racism. Thus far this season the show has dealt with the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and, in one of my favorite scenes so far, what it was like for single black women to find a date to a wedding in the 60′s.

Winter is coming and the battle for the iron throne still rages.

Tyrion Lannister (played by Peter Dinklage)

With three houses in open revolt against the throne, can the House Lannister (led by Lord Tywin Lannister, the Hand of the King and grandfather of the current King, Joffrey Baratheon) regain control over the realm and ensure his family’s continued legacy? Threats to the throne abound. The King in the North, Robb Stark, moves his armies closer and closer to the city of Westeros, in a bid to avenge his father’s murder at the hand of the Lannister’s. Robb’s half-brother, Jon Snow, has abandoned his post with the Night’s Watch, an order of men who swear to protect the North, in favor of joining the Wildings, a people who have been forced to live north of the wall after long ago having their lands taken.

Daenerys Targaryen, mother of dragons and the last of the Targaryen royal family, is gaining strength and resolve to take the iron throne upon which Joffrey sits. Will her resolve, the dedication of her army, constructed from freed slaves, and her fire-breathing dragons be enough to conquer Westeros?

Scandal is still scandalous.

Olivia Pope once said, “I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love.” And this season she had been getting exactly what she asked for and then some. Olivia and the President are still going back and forth, despite having taken a break after President Grant discovered Olivia’s role in his election. While President Grant and Olivia were apart she briefly became involved with someone else, someone very close to the President, and Grant doesn’t yet know about Olivia’s dalliance. Mellie, the President’s wife, in a bid to save her marriage and bring her husband to his senses (and also, to hurt him because he hurt her) has exposed her husbands’ philandering to the American people on national television. Will President Grant be able to get re-elected now that the people know their President has cheated on his wife? Will Olivia be able to expose the mole before he thwarts the President’s re-election campaign? Now that the President has unambiguously declared his love and devotion to Olivia but at the same time he is running for re-election, what does this mean for their relationship?

What are you watching?
_______________________________________________
Jamila Akil is a Senior Editor at Beyond Black and White. Follow her on Twitter @jamilaakil

In his coming out story, Collins admitted that he had dated women for years while he tried to figure out and accept his sexuality. He was even in a relationship with one athlete, ex-WNBA player Carolyn Moos, for 8 years, before finally calling off their engagement.

Actress  Gabourey Sidibe was questioned about her thoughts on Collins’ big reveal by Access Hollywood host Billy Bush, and she quipped, “Who hasn’t dated a gay dude?!?” Sidibe said that she caught one of her recent boyfriends trying on her heels, and even though he never admitted the truth about his sexuality to her, she said she put two and two together to figure out he way gay before finally ending the relationship. Luckily for Ms. Sidibe, she didn’t end up losing eight of her most fertile years dating the gay boyfriend.

“Who hasn’t dated a gay dude?”

While it’s definitely a weight off ones shoulders to finally be able to live your life openly if you are a gay or lesbian person, it can also be argued that there are benefits to heterosexual people too when society is accepting–if not exactly encouraging–of people who are gay, lesbian, or transgender: There might wind up being fewer straight people who find out their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend was actually a gay or lesbian person who was afraid to come out.
__________________________________________________
Jamila Akil is a Senior Editor at Beyond Black and White. Chat with her on Twitter @jamilaakil

Newsweek March 3, 2003

The show reminded me of an article I read in Newsweek back in March of 2003.  We discussed this topic in a Facebook forum and most felt that dating a man in prison or fresh out of prison was not for them.  The story was actually about some of the challenges black women share regardless of background or education.  The conversation did eventually come to relationships.  Author Teri Woods, a self made millionaire and admits that she would rather have a man from prison than be lonely — in so many words.  Dating out obviously did not appeal to her.  Star Jones, Mellody Hobson, Beyonce, Foxy Brown, Deborah Robers and Deborah Wright all weighed in.  Remember this was 2003 but even today,  some 10 years later many women think like Teri Woods.  Many black women don’t or won’t expand their options to include non black men so some would obviously seek out men in prison.  As a former Magistrate,personally I advise against it knowing the criminal element as I do, but each individual woman has to make up her own mind in these matters.  And I do believe in the one exception to the rule but are you willing to risk that he may not be the one exception?  What say you in BB&W land?

Author Allison Samuels profiled the entire round table discussion.

I have tried not to be a mere “lurker” but to leave appropriate comments and identify myself on web sites focused on interracial relationships.  While Beyond Black & White is appropriately focused on dating, mating and relating, much of the content is helpful to us who have “swirled” through blending of extended families and adoption into our nuclear families.

Transracial adoption, like interracial coupling, is less controversial than even a decade ago.   But it still raises significant and valid issues between thinking, caring people both pro and con.  And, of course, not everyone you and I interact with daily is thinking or caring.

I won’t go into the history or politics of adoption except to say 20 years ago my wife and I–both white suburbanites-adopted an African American girl and six months later an Hispanic girl.  Both were born to urban women with extended families who wanted involvement but had obstacles of their own.  This was two years before federal law prohibited race as a consideration for adoption.  And this was counter to strong opposition by the National Association of Black social workers who even today equate adoption of black children by white parents to be cultural genocide.

Can I describe 20 years of bliss producing perfectly balanced children?  No.  Can I report children damaged by racial misunderstanding and cultural isolation unable to fit in with their peers or identify with their family heritage(s).  Certainly not.  (Much to my dismay, neither one seems to want to date a guy like Daddy, they like dark skinned guys, LOL.)

We are, and remain in many ways, a typical family with all the joys, frustrations, hopes, challenges, and successes of any other family but broadened and magnified by our differences amidst our unity.

Except for the fact that my wife and I chose to step out of our homogeneous environment I wouldn’t say we are any different from any other suburban (white) couple.  We grew up with few friends and acquaintances who weren’t like us.  The possibility of interracial dating just wasn’t there.  We had friends and family who were unabashedly racist. And yet as we entered the workplace, traveled, and reached beyond our families and communities we began to long for change.  Not superficial political change but deep change from within–change that might even in a little way heal the hurt of innocent children needing love and then spread to draw together people and generations to come.

This was not the dream of some idealistic youngsters.  At age 40 we said “Hell with the opinions of family and friends.”  We did the right thing and have been blessed and challenged beyond our dreams.  We watched relatives who previously expressed ignorant racist comments weep openly as they held our beautiful girls.  We heard sincere apologies from acquaintances  burdened by guilt after temporarily shutting us out.  Without exaggeration every one of our family and friends has been changed for the good by knowing and learning from our girls

Undoubtably we parents have learned the most.  Whether hair and skin care, historical information not normally found in schoolbooks, or differences in worship styles and church traditions, we have been stretched and challenged to grow.

Of course this begs the question “What of the children?  Are they just sacrificial lambs to the cause of racial unity?”. Since both are the age of consent I believe they would be willing to give their candid responses separately upon request.  What they express to me is that they would not have given up the childhood they had for what would have been available through biological family or same race foster care.

We have all grown through our differences.  We certainly don’t see eye to eye on some cultural values.  But we love one another and depend on one another.  My wife and I are now close friends with the biological mother and family of our oldest daughter (much to her dismay–she thinks we’re ganging up on her).  Both daughters reserve exclusive rights to alternately protect and fight one another

…sounds like any other family with all of its wonder and frustration?   You bet!  And I wouldn’t give our experiences and love for one another for anything.

I’ve been watching Young & The Restless since college. One look at “Nicolas Newman,” and I started scheduling my classes around it. When I wasn’t drooling over Nick and Malcolm (Shemar Moore) I could tolerate some scenes sans the man candy, especially the ones with Jeanne Cooper (Katherine Chancellor). She was straight out of the old guard–dyed blond hair, fancy clothes and pointy red nails. I enjoyed all the story lines they featured that old lady in, from her recovery from alcoholism, her discovery that Kane was/wasn’t her grandson, and that Devon was her real grandson, her multiple strokes, tumors and heart attacks, and her epic fights with that other chick who’s name escapes me at the moment. Oh yeah, her name is “Jill.”

Well, this week I heard that Jeanne had died at the age of 84, after forty years as “Katherine” on Y & R. Incidentally, The Hubster was sad too, because he was (forced) to watch the show during the summer because my mother-in-law is also a big fan. The last time I saw her as Mrs. Chancellor, I knew there was something…different. Like a light inside her was beginning to dim…and it reminded me of when my father was dying. Watching the spirit ebb is such a surreal thing.

RIP Jeanne. You’ll be missed.

You have probably all heard about Charles Ramsey, the Black man who saved three Hispanic women who had been kept captive by a Hispanic man for 10 years in Cleveland. You can catch up on the story HERE. Basically he heard one of the women screaming from a basement and he (and maybe a another man) broke in and saved the woman. They then called the police and the rest were saved. He is being hailed as a hero. What he did was very brave and heroic. I will not contest that and I’m sure the women are so grateful for him saving their lives. He should get a medal for what he did.

BUT, the focus of my post is not on the heroic act. It is on the way people are dismissing his history of abusing a Black woman and neglecting his children. According to The Smoking Gun, Ramsey was arrested THREE times for battering his wife and jailed for six months for the crime! Although he was arrested three times, who knows how many other times he was abusive but the police were not called. He has also neglected his kids by not paying child support.

What I find puzzling is how many people are upset and calling it racist that the media dug up his past and reported it. If you come into the public eye they ALWAYS look up your past! Why are they acting surprised and acting like this is racist, they do this to everyone? It’s very easy for them to find out about someone’s criminal past. But people are outraged because they feel there are few Black male heroes and they are bringing up a past that makes him look bad. Well in my opinion he is the only one to blame for his looking bad! He chose to batter his wife and neglect his kids! He made his bed and has to lie in it! Personally, I have no forgiveness for wife batterers, child abusers, rapists or murderers. The courts do not decide what I should forget and overlook, I DO! I don’t care if they “serve their arbitrarily length of time”. If someone does any of those heinous things they are marked FOR LIFE and I don’t care to deal with them.

Now, people are trying to spin this into some racist media conspiracy to bring down a Black male hero by publishing negative things to discredit him (e.g., this Clutch article called ‘Demonizing Charles Ramsey‘). But what they are reporting is THE TRUTH! They did not make up negative things or draw conclusions based on photos (e.g., like Trayvon Martin), this man committed the negative acts and admits to it! I want you to really think about this– Ramsey saved three Hispanic women in ONE act, he BATTERED his WIFE on at least THREE separate occasions (and was heard threatening to kill her), and he doesn’t pay child support. Is this a man people should look up to? Is this man a friend to Black women? Should Black women be rushing to defend the honor of a Black man who repeatedly BEAT another Black woman and left her to financially support their kids? I wonder if he would have tried to save a Black woman trapped in a basement? He did make it a point to remark that the woman he saved was a “pretty White woman”.

I’m sorry but in reading the comments on the linked sites (I know I should not have read the comments) but it made me cringe at how easily people dismissed the history of abuse like it was some minor traffic violation or failure to pay taxes. It was like they were patting themselves on the back for overlooking his “past mistakes and imperfections that everyone has”. So what if he beat his wife so bad that he served time for it? So what if he doesn’t pay for food, shelter, clothing, or anything else his kids need? He did a good thing so lets forget about it! Serving time erases all the psychological trauma and neglect suffered by his Black VICTIMS. It reminds me of all the men who have criminal histories or no ambition who expect women to want to date them just because they are employed. Your past matters!

This is the case of one woman abuser stopping another woman abuser. His past behaviour does not give any indication that he is someone to admire or a friend to Black women but people are acting like this one heroic act negates everything else. This is another case of the abuse of Black women and children being dismissed because a Black man is cool, famous, or sounds good (e.g., rappers with histories of gang banging, selling drugs, and being violent are excused because they have “changed”). Sorry but I am not that forgiving. I’m glad that the media has reported the truth about this man. He may be a friend to the Hispanic community and a hero for saving those women, but he is no friend to me as a Black woman.

Update: Al Sharpton stands behind Charles Ramsey…not surprised. Ladies, as long as a Black man “cleans up his act” and says he’s changed we are supposed to forget his prior abuse of Black women and pat them on the back.