It’s been suggested that we release “marriage” from government, give it entirely & symbolically over to religious institutions, and use civil unions under law for all couples gay and straight. I would love to live in that world. Perfectly logical. Hell to implement.”Marriage” is an understood concept universally, even by it’s strongest critics. With thousands of years of history predating all the major religions and implemented planet-wide (with varying standards), what it means doesn’t have to be explained, and expectations in law and society are quite stable. Full faith and credit amongst the states, and almost perfect cross-border recognition between countries.

What is a civil union? A convention defined locally by state, or even county? A legislative construct that is redefined every time power shifts from one political party to another? A new form of contract that will need decades of litigation to settle it’s rights and obligations in law?

Civil union is too fluid, vague and vulnerable (reversible) a concept to be reliable in protecting (the main purpose) and enforcing formal relationships. It only becomes stable in meaning when explicitly tied to the extremely well understood institution of marriage. In other words, explicitly marriage by another name, or actual marriage. If anything, let government keep “marriage” and give religions their sacred covenants defined however they wish. And believe me, they will define differently from each other.

If we do not actualize marriage for same-gender couples, or something virtually identical differing only in name, they will struggle endlessly with an unreliable and unsatisfactory construct approximating what they actually want and deserve, constantly assaulted by legal and legislative challenge. They would be better off with a Ta-Nehisi Coates marriage constructed out of a voluminous set of piecemeal contracts and filings.

This is not a chasm we can transit in hops. Only a complete leap will suffice.

—

Original Facebook Note HERE

Ideally no matter what stage a black woman finds herself at, she needs to move towards “acceptance”, and we’ll discuss why when that stage is explained.

Stage One: Black Woman In Denial

“…There are plenty of beautiful, strong and loving black men of the African diaspora ready to wife you in this world.  Get out more, travel more.   But, one thing I tip my hat off to Black men is honesty.  Black men usually do not settle, they won’t just marry anybody.  If Black men are not ready to settle down and still want to play the field, they won’t marry.  If this is not the woman they want to spend the rest of their life with, they won’t wife her….”

The above is a quote from a black woman in denial. This is a woman who could not accept the reality of black men not marrying at anywhere near the rate of other ethnic groups of men. This is someone who cannot face the fact that stringing a woman along is not an admirable trait; it is the trait of a manipulative user. This is a person who has deluded herself into feeling admiration for black men at the expense of her self-respect as a black woman. She named herself after a man’s private parts in hopes this would adequately convey her love and loyalty to the black men who were lurking.

Such black women are common, no matter how much it may pain you to admit it or accept it. Because some black women are just not mentally ready to view black men as less than gods. To admit that a black man is fallible, even for obvious wrongdoing, is to show hatred or disloyalty.

I have admitted in the past to following Kpop and there is a hilarious meme that goes “Oppa didn’t mean it!” This meme mocks Kpop fangirls who try and rationalize away undesirable behaviors in their particular idol because they cannot deal with the possibility that he/she has done something wrong. They’ll say he didn’t mean it or it was some sort of mistake. That everyone is being unfair to “oppa”.

The sort of blind loyalty I’ve seen in teenage Kpop fangirls is pretty much what I’ve seen in black women twisting themselves into pretzels to rationalize and defend trifling, dysfunctional, and hateful behavior.

Black women who cannot accept uncomfortable truths about the black community and particularly black men’s unacceptable treatment of us as a group are in denial.

Stage Two: The Angry Black Woman

The ABW is a caricature meant to control and manipulate how a black woman feels. Meanwhile, the anger stage of black woman grief represents the emotional state of a particular black woman attempting to deal with her experiences as it relates to the GAT-DL.

Anger is a very powerful and forceful emotion. A lot of black women who are coming to terms with the indoctrination, disrespect, cruelty, and just pain associated with black social structures feel a great deal of anger, even hate. They are angry that they allowed themselves to believe so many lies for so long. They are angry at the people who hurt them rather than stand up for them (despite all the “we are all black, and we gotta stick together” talk). And they are especially angry that now that they realize what happened and are in a place that they can escape, the manipulators are trying to force them back into a state of pacificity or lie to their faces about experienced wrongdoing.

You can compare it to this scene in, “The Color Purple”.

I don’t tone police black women at this stage because that’s not going to help them move on. The only way an angry black woman (again, not to become confused with an ABW) can exit this stage is to let go of her anger. Some women never do, and eventually it consumes them. Because not everyone exits whatever stage they find themselves in.

So, what stage do you honestly feel you are at when it comes to the GAT-DL/Black Community? Do you feel you will reach or have reached the “acceptance” stage?

Coming Up In Part Two: Bargaining And Depression

God had spoken. Instantly, a sense of calm and confidence enveloped her. In times like these, when she feels anxious, afraid or unsure, Dickson relies on her faith.

So, too, do nearly nine in 10 African American women,

If you look at the condition of the black woman in America, it would appear that we do not have much to show for it. Consider Whitney’s tragic life. She was a church girl who did not fail to mention that Jesus was her Lord and Savior. I won’t argue yay or nay on that point. I will point out that she turned to drugs instead of “her Lord” and the price she paid was death. It appears that most black women are choosing a master other than the one they claim. Just look at our numbers. We lead the pack among women when it comes to obesity and poor nutritional habits, both indicators that we are not engaging in self care,  etc.  One would think that such a dependence on faith would produce better results than that. What is it that draws black women towards religion? Is it tradition or desperation? Many black women feel so defeated by society that we are desperate for anything that feeds us a notion of a better place. We desire a paradise instead of the hell in which we currently reside.  After all, it is this hell (society) that tells black women that we are worthless and responsible for all the ills of our race. That leads me to a possible conclusion: Black women generally have a superficial attachment to religion. Could that be why it didn’t save Whitney and other black women like her?

For years, there had been unsubstantiated reports that Ethiopian women were given birth control shots against their will. Over the last decade the birth rates of Ethiopian immigrants to Israel has been declining.

From the Huffington Post:

“This is about reducing the number of births in a community that is black and mostly poor,” Hevda Eyal, author of the report “By Women to Women,” told The National, referring to the birth control shots.

According to a 2010 report, a majority of the prescriptions of Depra-Provera written by Israeli doctors over the past few years were for Ethiopian women. “Figures show that 57 percent of Depo Provera users in Israel are Ethiopian, even though the community accounts for less than two percent of the total population,” The National explains.

Depo-Provera is a progesterone-only birth control that is supposed to be administered every three months in order to remain effective. While considered a safe method of birth control, the drug does have several side effects and contra-indications. And, like any drug, a person who is left unaware of those side effects and contra-indications may be in danger of unknowingly taking other medications that may worsen any side effects or cause unforeseen complications.

Without admitting any previous wrong-doing on the part of the government, Health Ministry Director General Prof. Ron Gamzu banned Israel’s health maintenance organizations from injecting Ethiopian women with the contraceptive Depo-Provera “if for any reason there is concern that they might not understand the ramifications of the treatment.”

Image via Times of Israel
_____________________________
Jamila Akil is a Senior Editor at Beyond Black and White. Follow her on Twitter @jamilaakil

Misrecognition and Stereotypes

Harris-Perry thoroughly discusses the term misrecognition when she articulates the use of stereotypes to truncate opportunities, esteem, and worth initiatives for black women. What is misrecognition? It is the misjudgement or mis-characterization of an entire person’s self based on perceived or assumed traits (positive or negative). Misrecognition is inherent in race-based stereotyping because it a) assumes that a perfect stranger can accurately gauge another individual’s race, ethnicity, or heritage from perception alone, b) seeks to identify certain behaviors as attributable to their own understanding of said race, and c) relies on very limited information or exposure to make those judgements.

Misrecognition is extremely powerful. And, it plays directly into the notion of the crooked room. The crooked room says that an individual is only one of several predesignated characters. And, it assigns folks into categories based on those imagined and pre-fitted roles. Once those roles are assigned, individuals are measured by their congruence with these crooked images. And, when they fall in line with negative images like Sapphire or Jezebel, they are shamed for their behavior.

So what is shame exactly?

‘Re-integrative’ Shame versus Stigmatizing Shame

Were you ever that kid who got a whoopin’ in the church bathroom? Maybe you got pulled out of a room by your ear? Or, better yet, maybe you and your cousins had to go outside and pick a switch to get your punishment after having a pillow fight? I was all of those kids. And, if you experienced these things, then you, like me, have experienced re-integrative shaming. This type of shaming usually comes from authority figures or parents who use punishment in a more public setting to teach you acceptable behaviors.

For example, a child with a cursing problem might be forced to wash his or her mouth out with soap. And, that action, though disgusting, teaches the child to remove the dirty words from his or her vocabulary. But, as long as it isn’t followed up by repeated extremes and the child is welcomed back into the loving family with no strings attached, the act is neither exclusionary nor permanent.

But, there is a different, much more diabolical form of this punishment called stigmatizing shame. Stigmatizing shame does not seek to teach the individual much except that his or her whole person (not the behavior) is bad. Stigmatizing shame was a foundational aspect of slavery and Jim Crow. It said, in a sense, that black people were inherently bad, dirty, unclean, wanton, and barbaric. Instead of attributing certain features to certain individuals, it inspired the adoption of collective stigmas associated with the entire group in order to subjugate and reduce all of the individuals within the group.

Stigmatizing shame teaches LGBTQ folks to stay “in the closet.” It teaches those who have been victims of sexual assault to keep quiet so they don’t seem like they somehow welcomed the abuse. Stigmatizing shame teaches young women and men climbing the social ladder to hide their poor beginnings. And, for black women, stigmas about natural hair textures, eating habits, voice tempo and volume, career choices, child rearing, and a host of other things have taught us to hide behind a variety of more “acceptable” social norms.

Any of this stuff sound familiar?

How Shame Works

One key characteristic in the collective shaming of black women is a term Harris-Perry calls fictive kinship.

“The term ‘fictive kinship’ refers to connections between members of a group who are unrelated by blood or marriage but who nonetheless share reciprocal social or economic relationships.”

This notion of innate connection to others in a social group helps to draw pride from images like President Obama. But, conversely, the same kinship draws shame from folks like Shawty Lo or Kanye West. It is this kinship that leaves the black community reeling when a prominent black figure cheats on his wife or goes into a fit of rage on national television. And, it is this same kinship that helps to reiterate societal pressures to avoid unsavory images at all costs.

According to Harris-Perry, feelings of shame occur when we feel exposed to and in disappointment of a “real or imagined audience.” Shame happens when we become worried about what other people might think. Eerily though, Harris-Perry notes that, “when we feel ashamed, we assume the room is straight and that the self is off-kilter.” So, if the self is indeed “off-kilter,” we are then normalizing the crooked behavior and marginalizing our true identities.

When this happens, individuals become desensitized to obscure images of themselves and one another and snuggle into the comfortable slot carved out for them in the crooked room. And, in many cases, the shame works to keep people, who would otherwise be socially mobile, in a repetitive cycle of immobility, thereby validating the crooked images. This is called self-fulfilling prophecy.

But, what happens when someone who actually isn’t one of those crooked images is treated like they are? I am glad you asked. I’ve got a scenario for that.

What Happened at the End of the Sapphire Post?

Well, in the last installment of this series, I left off with a riveting story of my arrest for school truancy. And, after reading this book, that situation became so much clearer to me. I realized that that cop was attempting to shame me. And he was succeeding.

Gather ’round folks…I’m going to finish the story…

“It is instances like these that produce those angry little black girls. It is instances like these that harden feminine hearts. It is instances like these that prove that neither academia nor athleticism nor altruism can work to defray the weight of the burdensome angry black woman load. And, in fighting this white cop, I was fighting against a larger societal vision for me. I was attempting to stand against something much bigger than myself to no avail.”

The cop took me to a middle school about 15 miles away from my high school. He never said a word to me for the entire ride.

“Is this a real cop car? Like where criminals ride?”

Silence.

“Why am I in the backseat?”

Silence.

So, I sat there with my thoughts. Crying. And, crying. Then, I stopped. I literally just stopped. I was pissed off. I was angry. I was REALLY angry. As we pulled up, I saw a line of black kids going into the truancy center. They were girls, boys, some of them looked grown. And, there were cops everywhere. Laughing and chatting. Drinking coffee. But they weren’t talking to the kids.

The cop took me out of the car cradling my head on the way out of the vehicle like he actually gave a crap.

“Okay, go stand in that line. Give them your name and what school you came from. Go upstairs and they will have reading material for you. You can do homework also.”

“I don’t have my homework. You picked me up at second period and wouldn’t let me get my backpack. When can I go home?”

“That is up to you parents.”

I laughed to myself, “parents.” Whatever. I got in line behind a girl with super long finger nails and braids and waited to tell some chick who I was so I could ruin my otherwise perfect school record. Once I handled that deed, I went upstairs and sat at the smallest table known to man in a room full of other high school students sitting at similar tables. There were no adults in the room. It was like baby detention or something.

On the tables they had little pamphlets with phrases like “why am I here?” and “what is a truant?” I was over it. Done. A lady came over to me and asked me if I wanted to call my mom or dad. Once I did, I realized that no one really gave a crap that I was in baby prison for the day. My mother and my brother (because dad was the no-show type) were not going to exit their quaint little daily plans for me to get back to my academic studies and perfect grades.

My teachers weren’t going to put out an APB. And, life would go on. I looked around at everyone else, and they all looked as if they felt the exact same way. We were corralled in this room away from our friends, not talked to, not addressed, and basically shunned to make a point. We were bad. Being a truant was bad. And therefore, we were bad. The reasons didn’t matter. The intentions didn’t matter. All that mattered was the color of our skin and the location of our feet on a curb during school hours.

And, it worked. I felt ashamed. I prayed that I would never see these people again. I prayed that no one from my church had seen me in the cop car. I prayed that my purse and backpack would be safe for the remainder of the school day. And, I prayed that someone would at least acknowledge me. And, when my brother came to get me a few hours later, his nonchalance and ineffectual attitude showed me that he thought I was bad too. And, his feelings made me feel even more ashamed.

The shame was almost inescapable. And, that was the point. That white cop did his job that day…

To be continued…When Shame is an Action Word and Reactions to Shame

Buy the book here.

Not only that, but the words in which one chooses to describe themselves tells a lot about how that person feels, both consciously and sub-consciously if you know what to listen for.

As a natural linguist I often noted the subtle difference between a person’s choice to use one set of words versus another to generally explain or describe the same thing.

It’s not entirely our fault since an individual’s vocabulary is only as good as the vocabulary of those around them.

In addition, a vocabulary also consists of words and phrases based on whatever words are commonly used to describe the everyday phenomenon of human existence.

Why do the words that we use matter so much?

Because it is through this collective language that we pass down the shared experience of being Black. Though people may differ in their capacity to comprehend the meanings of certain words, we are still able to understand the implied meaning beyond the surface level of our dialogue.

It is this meaning that we should pay more attention to if we are to ever hope to change the ways in which Blacks exist in society.

One area in which we can apply our hypothesis is by examining the way in which we, as Black people, approach parenthood.

As we know, OOW births are rampart in the Black community, and though I am not a traditionalist in the least, the fact that so many children are born to ill equipped and negligent parents can’t be ignored.

The Chicken. The Egg.

If we look at the different phrases used to describe the act of bearing and raising children there is a telltale clue to the difference in the way in which Blacks view parenthood versus other groups.

Could the slight difference in terminology cause things to be so much harder later on down the road or is the hard experience of being born to Black parents best described by the words used.

Mom, Where Do Black Babies Come From?

Dysfunctional women start families by ‘getting knocked up’, when I visualize this phrase it brings to mind the entire act of conception as something violent, and accidental. Like a drive by shooting; no witnesses, lots of blood and senseless

By using the phrase, ‘she got knocked up’ we alleviate discussion of how a woman becomes pregnant, and even more important than that….who ‘knocked her up’?

White women ‘get pregnant’, by accident, on purpose, by happenstance and any a number of genuine, acceptable and easily relatable reasons. Birth control does fail, condoms pop, schedules change, champagne flows, and sometimes you just aren’t being as responsible as you have been these last X amount of years since you first been sexually active and began taking steps to avoid pregnancy.

Middle class White couples and other cultures are able to maneuver children in a space that makes room for the children to exist as part of the larger fabric of Standard America. Parents may sulk, grandparents may tisk, but everyone moves forward with intention when a couple prepares for a child, even when the child was originally unintentional.

Low class/ill prepared women refer to themselves ’having babies’, rather than a more middle class concept such as ‘starting a family’, ‘reproducing’, ‘becoming a mother’, ‘adding an addition’, ‘not being careful’….you get the idea.

With less open dialogue about sex, birth control and the stigma of abortion, black women who need to be vigilant about their reproductive capacity are left to skip landmines and when they aren’t able to, the proof of her ‘fault’ is being pushed in a stroller as she walks alone.

Thanks for child……and now what?

Women and men unprepared to have children approach the pending birth as an end process instead of a lifelong commitment to the care, development and support of another human being. Lower class mothers increase in weight, may or may not continue to work, attend school and continue on with their own lives while pregnant. Inexperience and ignorance may cause some to neglect to make accommodations for the child until after the child is born.

It is at this point where a new child get tossed into instability as she/he is placed from family member to family member as the unprepared mother tries to move forward as if things didn’t change even though she is now a parent and her child has basic needs. Attempting to rally the support of the father may include his participating with care, but if he is employed then he has his own responsibilities that supersede the childcare necessities of a child. At some point

Could this difference is expectations may be a reason why Black men do not feel the need to stick around to provide something they do not feel they have within them or are they unwilling to give another human being something they themselves did not receive during their own childhood?

Women who are socially stable enter into parenthood with the awareness that they will be “raising children”; the children born to healthy familiar environments are considered a part of the clan social system and are deserving, and valuable. These families go about the business of gathering resources in preparation of a long haul commitment to the survival of the pending child.

I don’t think this phenomena is unique to married couples, I believe the willingness to participate in the development and care of a child is something that can be achieved by any welcoming and stable family structure, be it same sex, platonic friends, unmarried couples, adoption, or single parents.

Lower class women, with less resources to begin with, need to take into consideration the resources of the potential father before deciding on whether he is capable of contributing to a child. The willingness to become a father, no matter how genuine, can not take the place of financial resources, no matter how great his intentions and commitment to she and her child.

A woman shouldn’t have a baby and those around her call it a blessing and pray on it when they know there are no means to raise the pending child, nor is its presence necessarily welcomed.

The Gift of Life is an Unwanted Mistake

I was attending church for awhile during my pregnancy. I had no ring on my finger, but the father of my child and I were in a committed relationship, we lived together and were normally stable. At this point, we were having an abundance of problems and he had moved out, though we were still together as a couple.

My child’s babysitter was a wonderful woman who found her way to redemption at the alter of the Lord. She never neglected to invite me or anyone else to Sunday service. It was a kind gesture. I won’t lie, I’m suspicious and very intolerant of religion, so I keep my distance although I’ve visited multiple places of worship and have been greeted and warmly welcomed. I’m just not into the whole higher concept thing.

Nevertheless, I attended a service and some how seemed to draw the attention of the pastor during his sermon. He preached and prayed and admonished those in the audience who need forgiveness to go forward and kneel and beg the Lord for forgiveness. This wasn’t the largest church ever, but it wasn’t so small that he had to give the entire sermon next to me.

There were so many people running forward that they had begun to pile up on one another. I turned and look at the pastor and he’s facing me..still preaching.

He then reaches out to grab my arm and LEADS me up to the alter.

I didn’t know what to do…….my initial reaction was to back his ass up off of me in the ways I employ, but I’m in a church and pregnant! I can’t fight or fling right now.

I opened my mouth to protest in sailor language but thought about my babysitter, whom I would never want to insult.

I thought about how disgusting and ignorant I think people like this are. I kick myself  and ask how did I allow myself to be duped into being here right now.

I. WAS. LIVID!!

Yes, I was pregnant.

No, it wasn’t planned.

No, I wasn’t married.

Yes, we were happy….(after the initial shock of how I got pregnant but that’s a story for another time. I think MOST parents have a five second (or more) disconnect of a *blink blink* when hearing about a pending birth).

YOU might think my actions a sin but there is no way in conscious Hell that I would go about carrying a child that I love while also allowing myself to ashamed of the thing that I love that I am carrying inside of me.

I was ‘off my meds’ at the time after finally having received mental health service for bi-polar. I was initially taken off my normal meds and given Prozac, thought to be safer. It took 48 hours for the drugs to have me suicidal and being hyper delivered to the Dr for an evaluation. After that scare I refused to take any meds during the pregnancy, my mental condition was fragile on paper, but I was back to myself…aggressive, sporadic and manic.

That’s religious madness and I feel sorry for any woman who has had to carry and bear a child under circumstances where she’s dammed if she does and dammed if she doesn’t….LITERALLY.

Many women are simultaneously told that a baby is a “blessing” and should not be aborted yet she should is shamed and made to regret having created and her choice to bear the child.

I did what I needed to do in order to make myself as healthy and stable as I could while also preparing to carry and deliver a child. Both he and I were employed, with stable health insurance providing jobs, I was home at the time on disability.

My child attended a good school, we were surrounded by friends and family anticipating our child. We were closer in age to 30, than 20…I had no reason to hang my head.

How does it benefit anyone involved to shame the mother of a child in a time where she could use as much support and guidance as is available? Like any mother, I’m sure there are times when she’s scared and possibly overwhelmed, are there no kind words? No advice? No reassurance…?

Guess what a new mother has never done before???????????? BE A MOTHER!!

These mothers suffer emotionally abused and neglected. Possibly abandoned by the father of their child and when those around her should be gathering together we point fingers and whisper.

We, especially females, encourage new BC mother’s to put on her ‘strong black woman’ pants as we stand in line to hand out indifference as target practice of what’s to come only because that is what we choose to offer her.

Were we to ask what the implication is on the psyche of child when a society deems them mistakes, sins and burdens yet hypocritically claims love to that same child, what would the answer be?

There can be only one answer.

Either you love, accept and welcome this new person that will require strength and perseverance of you that you never knew you had or you are sorry that you did what you did and but somehow also chose to complete the birth of a person that you wished wasn’t here.

Children placed in adoption are loved. Children kept within their own families are hated. How does that happen?

The black community can’t have it both ways. I know of women who abuse their children in a multitude of ways but they will be quick to tell you how ‘good’ of a mother they are because their children wear Jordans yet eat off the floor.

Having basic needs met is the standard of care for some parents and that’s unfortunate when a child is born and one if not both parents check out because the situation has lost its luster after the baby showers, congratulations and good wishes and popular FB updates.

Children realize when they are unwanted. They grow up to be resentful and hurt spirits who question their lack of worth by the very people who created them. These children go out into the world expressing their feelings of worthlessness to others that look like them; the community, or their own offspring, their families.

Generations upon generations of humans deemed unwanted by their family, their culture and the greater society. We should not only question the manner in which we bring children into disjointed circumstances but also why we choose to do things that are inherently destructive to our future are black women.

I even associate the vague definition of a yoke (the premature baby chick, the most sensitive and important part of the egg, the center most space within a fragile shell that is intended to become life but it used for our selfish purposes) with the telling plight of those Black women who use Biblical reference as their road maps to life.

I find it both sad and humerus that the definition of a yoke, as in, a harness or a beam to be used on a pair of oxen, horses, mule, donkey or water buffalo to pull a load, which may also be used individually, is such an appropriate way to describe the lives of certain Black women that you wonder if this was all done on purpose.

In my mind, ‘equally yoked’ sounds like something used to describe a sucker, like ‘hood winked’, or ‘bamboozled’. Black women have the unfortunate requirement of having to exist under both patriarchy and racism cleverly handed out under the veil of mysticism, religious rhetoric and good old fashioned while supremacy. Think about it…..

Promises Unfulfilled

The Black congregation is made up of majority single women who worship a leader head “Daddy” figure as the head of their church and the captain of their eternal soul train. The fulfillment of everything these women want (love, resources, good health) and were told they need (a husband and children) rests on the shoulders of the church pastor.

If he can decipher the message of the Bible and figure it out and convey it through his sermon then the whole entire congregation of women will benefit by being blessed. There are generations of women who willingly sat in churches all across the world, who proudly and sincerely expect that things will get better for them. All they have to do is show their willingness to be patient with “GOD”, obedient to “HIS word” and faithful in the Daddy head’s ability to bring one home for the team.

The Black Church has a Helluvah stage show complete with singing, dancing, ‘holy-ghost’ing’, catchy and moving music. They have their own lingo and radio stations, and an energetic way about stirring up the ‘troops’. The wailing  chest beating irreverence of Black religious music is similar to traditional R&B music. We’re all apparently waiting, admonishing and begging for a HIM to love us like we need him too.

The Black Church can feels like a Pre-Paid Legal pyramid scheme presentation. It sounds like BS, you want to leave but if you make a run for the door…they’ll all stare at you!! So you play along…until you realize that in order to play you have to give up much and expect to have it returned.

What did you expect……?

In the meantime, Pastor and his church will require some form of income because without it, he cannot continue to preach for his congregation, and if he can’t preach, then they can’t get their Blessings from God. So the congregation (Black women) contribute to the man, and they wait for him to do what he promised he would do……to make things better…to improve their plight.

Does this ever happen….? You be the judge.

But I bet the chances of a Black woman improving her odds at anything in life rest more in her willingness to work on herself than it would waiting for someone else to do it for her whether its Pastor or God. But no matter how frustrated you may be with Jesus, you must remember that God will come through, GUARANTEED….if not now, then in the afterlife.

How do you know..because the Bible told you so (just like those letter Rabu sent from jail) How do you get proof of any of this? You don’t. Some women feel like they should just keep holding on and waiting for promises to be fulfilled, and they are taught that they can’t stop now, because after all this time if they quit, then they could be just five seconds away from their blessings.

If you leave your BM, then he might get right for the next woman. You were’t patient enough and now you don’t win is precisely what some Black women fear.

If you abandon the BM for not satisfying your needs just because he hasn’t and may not ever, than it means that you were never serious anyway. The same as you can’t ask God for blessings and then expect them to happen for you.

You see, just because God says he will grant blessings doesn’t mean that he will…because……well, he is simply not required to in order to be your God. As a woman, your eternal devotion is required if you choose to participate; no one owes you anything in exchange for your services. Does this scenario sound familiar to you…..?

Though the effects of this system damages some Black women’s chance to learn and develop appropriate male expectations, this message isn’t one that is specifically for Black women, per say. Since our society functions in a way in which the conditions a women finds herself in are directly related to a male in her life its not surprising that women often pursue the favors of whatever male is available. Women with dysfunctional or nonexistent male influence in their lives may be more prone to choosing less then appropriate men to be a part of their lives because they don’t know any better.

As second class citizens in general, it behooves women to seek the consideration of a man be it as an employer, a husband, a religious leader, her father or some other male authority figure. I find it laughable when certain women assert that problems faced by women will be solved by her successful acquisition of power via a male.

Women are as powerless as slaves if we insist on asking the creators of oppression that we suffer under to alleviate our oppression in the spirit of equality.

Our Hero…..

Some unfortunate Black women are victims of The Magical Black Man who they believe is going to show up and make everything all better, because, after all, he’s a man. The male hero is deeply embedded into our social culture, he is on his way to save the heroine, all she has to do is wait….if she’s White.  The only problem with waiting is that our Black male hero is busy trying to save himself and you, Black woman, just might become his life raft.

Patriarchy has an amazing marketing campaign and its message is meant to convince women that things in their life will improve by the mere presence of a man. This notion is built upon a historic system of power controlled by White men.

At one time not too long ago, women had no rights to vote, work, hold property or live independently. As a woman, your only hope at a better quality of life was through marriage to a man of means.

Since emotional well being and reciprocity were not part of the marriage contract until lately, an income and the ability to tolerate the man was all that a woman could hope for when it came to dating and then eventual marriage. This is the woman that takes a fixer-upper Black man, one who could get a job, one who could get his credit together and one who could marry her.

He could do allot, but he hasn’t for one reason or another. Women may overlook this very important fact in favor of having a Black man who may actually be a nice guy, who may be a supportive mate or who may be a willing partner.

However, the fact that he’s either unwilling or incapable of contributing in the same way as any other man would be expected to should be a detractor but its not. Rather than overlook a surface level undesirable Black men, many women simply lower their standards and resent the man whom they chose to be with for his not being as good a man as she would want him to be.

Though she won’t admit it, she has no respect for this type of man. Even though she accepted him as less than what she wanted, she fooled herself into waiting for him to improve to meet her level of acceptance and when he doesn’t…well……..he just doesn’t. Don’t be envious of every Black relationship you see….the cost of doing business is quite high. I can be your friend in your time of need but I am no man’s sponsor.

Where for art thou Mandingo?

I’ll use the term Superhero Mandingo to describe the phenomenon made of all of the White Supremacy fear and loathing of the Black man. Ever since White males came in contact with Africans males there has been a cock fight going on. Men measure each other’s worth by some very basic and crude attributes, one of which is via sexual prowess. I don’t expect men to agree or knowledge this fact, my observation of history and male behavior tell me otherwise.

Whether or not Black men have an edge on sexual talent and preferential biological equipment is not the question at hand. The fact remains that slavery and White fear made the Black male member something of a legend in American culture. Did White man’s fear caused White female curiosity while Black females were left in the dust because their male counterpart has something that everyone wants and can take but her? Could be.

Hanging Black men from trees was a way to exhibit the White man’s dominance over Black men, which one can understand under the circumstances.  However, the castration and selling of the murdered man’s penis as a keep sake speaks to another level of interest and disgust, beginning a long history of Black men members as a macabre object d’art.

Certain Black women will happily accept a Black man who does nothing more than make her ‘feel good’ based on this reinforced stereotype of Black men as sexual Gods. Though he may not be husband or mate material, there are plenty of men who exist in the schema of ‘hired gun’ to fulfill the needs of lonely and disillusioned women who strive to keep life convenient for their man.

Her short supply of self esteem and powerlessness cause her to justify these relationships as acceptable. She has been working and earning her money for a while now; she’s gotten the hang of living independently. She is also aware that there aren’t many men to go around, and since relationships do require work (literally!) the trade off is justified by the resemblance to a healthy relationship.

His lack of self respect for himself and others causes him to see himself as nothing more a sexual commodity. He has been disenfranchised, ill educated and institutionalized out of any chance of participating in general society at the rate and speed of his other male counterparts. His survival depends on his plying his trade to the highest bidder; he may tolerate the woman he’s with because he needs to and not because he wants to.

Patriarchy and improved economic ability now allows certain women to fall victim to the spoils of having power, “paying the cost to be the boss” isn’t such a bad thing when that labor allows a woman to present herself as having a Black man in her life while also banking on the fact that he’s tied to her economically.

Black men who accept this type of relationship may feel ill prepared to compete with other men for jobs or resources and so they use what they have (perceived sexual talent) for what they need (survival).

Its my hope that as more Black women read and learn about how we are perceived by ourselves and others there will be a change  in how much we contribute to our own demise. These aren’t all Black men or all men in general, only certain men, and once you’re better able to establish what type of man you’re dealing you won’t even have to break your stride as you step over that carcass.
Namaste, ladies…..

Know thy enemy.

Thus, what is of supreme importance in war is to attack the enemy’s strategy  -SUN TZU

DOMA is an interesting piece of legislation. It basically says that heterosexual marriage is the only legally recognizable “type” of marriage. And, even if individual states work to validate same-sex marriage within their own constitutions, DOMA directly undermines those efforts. So, what do heterosexual folks have to gain from denying equal rights to their same-sex peers? Well, nothing really. It doesn’t make my marriage any stronger knowing that someone can’t be with their husband or wife who is in a hospital room. It also doesn’t help me in anyway knowing that children in need of loving parents may not get adopted because of our aversion to homosexual relationships in this country. In essence, I get nothing except some false sense of superiority over people who’d like the chance to publicly profess their love for someone who feels the same way for them.

Instead, DOMA teaches LGBT husbands, wives, and family members that these relationships are shameful or less than. They are socialized to hate themselves and hide from the judgmental eyes of the larger public. Why? Well, because we hate them. We hate that they won’t simply behave like us, look like us, and be straight like us. We hate that they are different. We hate that they are “weird.” To placate same-sex couples, some states have offered civil unions. And, although California’s civil union laws are pretty similar to heterosexual marriage laws, many states still deny same-sex couples transfer of estate provisions in case a spouse passes away, personal possession benefits in the case of divorce, or even have mechanisms in place to guarantee that same-sex couples will get equal treatment to heterosexual couples when it comes to child-rearing. In many states, unwed heterosexual couples have more defined rights than wedded same-sex couples. So, who is really in need of defense here?

Everyday, when I walk outside with my perfect little brown family in our quaint suburban OC neighborhood with our two cars and “normal” lifestyle, I am keenly aware of how safe my relationship is. I have no concerns that people will look at me funny if I hold hands with my husband in public. And, when I stroll through the neighborhood grocery store, I am almost always greeted with a friendly “hi there, your family is so beautiful…” So, what exactly do I need to be defended from? To tell the truth, my brown hue is probably in more need of defense than my “normal” marriage.

In such clear terms, I was able to explain to my son that people are simply different, unique, or interesting. And, in explaining this to him, I realized that this country seems to struggle most with simply articulating these logically sound concepts in our federal and local policy. We teach our children that bullying is wrong all the while we socialize the subjugation of certain groups like women, minorities, the elderly, and LGBT citizens. We are shocked when children do harmful, tragic, or violent things to one another yet we normalize it for those groups we find to be “weird” and abnormal. Just a few years ago, interracial marriage was illegal in this country. It wasn’t until 1967 with the decision of Loving vs. Virginia that this archaic system of discrimination was finally overturned by the US Supreme Court. It suffices to say that interracial marriage was pretty “weird” back then. And, just like same-sex marriage today, a majority of Americans hated interracial couples too.

So, I ask the simple question, what are we defending: marriage or hate?

To be totally transparent, I am doing this right now. I woke up to a thirty pound baby sitting on my back leaning in for good morning kisses. I dropped off my toddler with her grandmother this morning after wrangling my kindergartner into his school uniforms and feeding him before shooshing he and my husband out of the door. I checked on the laundry while carrying my daughter and got her jacket on one handed while I put on my new boots. I arrived at work to check a slew of work-related emails while attempting to free up space on my cell to retrieve more voicemails. Meanwhile, I am starving and have only had a glass of water this morning that I had to share with my kids. Whew…I think I typed that all in one breath. But, you get the point. Not only are superwomen kicking butt in many differing social arenas like business, family, church, social organizations, philanthropic endeavors, and everything else, but they (we) are neglecting ourselves in the process. And this can be extremely stressful.

Deepak Chopra breaks down the science of stress and its impact on the human body in a recent article. In the piece, he describes not how to deal with stress but how many people do not understand the long-term impacts of extended periods of stress. He notes that the human body is designed for “fight-or-flight” wherein high levels of cortisol and adrenaline kick in to cause humans to enact self-preservation. But, these bouts of natural defense are not meant to last indefinitely.

“No one can healthily sustain the heightened alertness, quick burst of energy, rapid heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and other marks of the fight-or-flight response.  Physically, the hormone rush must come to an end, leading to the opposite state – you become drowsy, lose energy, and have a hard time remaining alert and focused.”

He goes on to note that intense stress has major health impacts over time.

“As stress experts have asserted for decades, the low-level stress of modern life fools the body into triggering a borderline condition of fight-or-flight that isn’t good for us. ‘Normal’ stresses like being stuck in traffic contribute to hypertension and coronary artery disease, along with susceptibility to infections, insomnia, and much else.”

So, what does all this mean for Black women?

Black Superwomen and the Masking Response

The National Institute of Health published a study about two years ago which focused on social norms which contributed to the Superwoman Complex and how those messages might impact Black women’s health outcomes. In the study, they found that poor health outcomes were not conclusively correlated with high stress but that high stress lifestyles had a domino effect on other life-improving health regimens.

“Cultural and psychosocial factors of the Superwoman role, such as focusing on the needs of others and making personal health a secondary or tertiary priority, might explain delays in health-seeking behaviors, limited adherence to recommendations made by health care professionals, and lower rates of screening procedures for conditions that are treatable if caught in the early stages (e.g., breast cancer screening, colonoscopies).”

They went on to note that inefficient coping mechanisms only masked health and mental issues which could exacerbate them over time.

“The stress-related coping strategy (and often façade) of strength might mask distress and make it more difficult for healthcare professionals to assess health status accurately and recommend effective interventions for health promotion and stress management in this population (Edge & Rogers, 2005).”

Taken together, the findings line up with what many within the Black community have always known to be true: Black women are buckling under the familial, mental, and social pressures they face from society. This is not to say that Black women can’t “handle it,” but it is simply to say that maybe Black women shouldn’t have to “handle it.” Or, at least they shouldn’t feel like everything around them will crumble if they take a break, a pause, or a moment to care for themselves.

These issues do not only shine through when reviewing stressful lifestyles, they also take foot in the types of relationships Black women build with others.

“For example, a tendency to suppress negative emotions in the context of inadequate resources and responsibilities in multiple life domains might place a woman at greater risk for adverse health compared to a woman who has a great deal of determination to succeed, but also has the ability to express distress as a result of abundant tangible and emotional support from family and friends.”

The compounded environmental stress, which results from superwomen feeling as though it is unsavory to express their emotions, coupled with the desire to “go, fight, win” constantly, generates an endless cycle which continues into perpetuity. How can a Black woman address her own emotions and health needs if she has to be there for everyone else? And, if once she is there for everyone else, she is disallowed from expressing her own stresses and struggles, how is she to function at her best? These are the questions Black women should be questioning about themselves, their friendships and relationships, their workplace environments, and their social obligations. And they should ask themselves these questions often.

Though this is not just a Black women’s issue, this “Superwoman” complex has been proven to contribute to increased rates of heart disease, obesity, and reduced life span among Black women. Just think about it. If every single day is marred with mental anguish from start to finish, what does that mean for Chopra’s assertion that even normal levels of stress have dire consequences? What if, for just a few moments, we took some time to take a leisurely stroll instead of a stomping mini-jog to our next meeting? Or, what if we replied to emails after eating a healthy breakfast? To some, these things sound totally normal, but to the average superwoman, this is nothing more than a joke. But, it isn’t a joke. And the stress that compounds today could have drastic impacts down the line. That’s certainly no laughing matter.

This holiday season, between all of your planning, buying, cooking, juggling, and working, don’t forget to take a step back and reflect on yourself. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself. And, all those in your life who truly love you will want you to de-stress too. As a Black woman with a heart disorder, I will be doing it too. Superwomen need breaks. And, taking time for yourself does not mean that you are not meeting your obligations. It just means that you’re human.  And that is perfectly okay. You don’t have to be super-human to be a superwoman.

The mule possesses the even temper, patience, endurance and sure-footedness of the donkey, and the vigor, strength and courage of the horse. Operators of working animals generally find mules preferable to horses: mules show more patience under the pressure of heavy weights, and their skin is harder and less sensitive than that of horses, rendering them more capable of resisting sun and rain. Wikipedia

Celebrating the myth of the Strong Black Woman has mistakenly become an aspiration and an inspiration to those in certain demographics of the Black Community. When things are down and out and a black woman is tired, or fed the fuck up, someone, somewhere will remind her that this disgusting and frustrating existence is merely a test of her ability to survive when life is clearly giving her signals that she should make changes.

In recent conversation with a not so suitable suitor, I was accused of being a SBW, I recoiled as if I was slapped. I immediately explained that I am not a Strong Black Woman, and not only that, but that I take offense to being called what I equate to be a visual reference to a beast of burden.

Often times, when a woman becomes frustrated and overwhelmed, rather than offer assistance, there are those around ready to remind her that she is capable of withstanding walking through Hell with gasoline undies on, and I am quick to point out…..I am no mule.

Strong? Yes.

Mule? No.

Others seems very comfortable with subjecting Black women to more than their share of cruelty, disregard and inhumane treatment while patting her on the head as a reward for not kneeling over dead in exhaustion or delirium. Reverence for the Strong Black Woman has great PR; we love that she shows up, it makes everyone else’s life so much easier.

I refuse to be responsible for the continued abuse and invisible presence suffered by Black women because some refuse to be honest enough to express our collective frustration and individual pain.

Many Black women neglect to instill boundaries and communicate their limitations even after they find themselves under a boulder of problems.

Someone please dial 911…..

How did Black woman become synonymous with a hybrid horse and donkey? Her transformation from silent folks lore hero into a a modern day superhero is directly based on the White women’s position as ‘all that is good and delicate in the normal world’.

In the totem pole of racism, Jim Crow and good ol’ fashioned patriarchy, Black Barbie doesn’t get to have a Ken doll to call her very own. And that’s just too dam bad for Black Barbie!

Consider this, White women were so delicate and important (for babies, sex and domestic purposes) that it became necessary to formulate (read: imposed upon) laws and societal rules, which were created by White men, in order to protect (control) her.

In exchange for his protection and  her domestic value, the White woman then became his ideal possession.

This line of thinking implies that Black women, as the White woman’s opposite, require no such consideration, assistance or help from White males.

White men did not believe they needed to extend this perception of feminine value towards Black women because the respectful treatment of Black woman had no direct baring on White men in general.

The Black woman is his possession in a different way, she is his thing purchased and do his bidding, there’s no need for implied respect or concern.

Slavery made it quite easy to remove the Black man’s capacity to protect Black women and in time, White mistreatment of Black women’s minds, bodies and spirits was silently accepted with the persuasive crack of a bullwhip.

It is what it was.

Oppression, racism, sexism, and poverty has continued to beckon the Black woman (and now Latino/Asian WOC) back into the White man’s home to work, leaving her own family to fend for themselves. White men and Black women have a very long history of his ability to influence her personal space (how she comes and goes) and family dynamics (raped and giving birth to the boss’s child).

The Black man, not so much.

Patriarchy created the space for White men to mentally create, and re-create his two unique objects of affection, Black women in servitude projected to fulfill his own devoted mother fantasies and his White female counterpart. Through use of Black woman, who he pretends tirelessly gave and gave of herself without asking for anything in return, he satisfied his need for power and control.

Were it not for a White man providing for her, where would she be? For whatever reason, her racial counterpart has been missing for decades and she’s been doing what she’s doing by herself.

So now what?

“De nigger woman is de mule uh de world so fur as Ah can see.” Their Eyes Were Watching God-Zora Neale Hurston.

Source

Published at the tail-end of the Harlem Renaissance, Hurston’s famously unpretentious novel is a story of a young black woman’s search for love, spiritual liberation, physical satisfaction, and a way to defy the seemingly immutable laws of gender and race.  As her protagonist resists others’ attempts to script her life on their own selfish terms, Hurston invokes the symbol of the mule to characterize black women’s precarious condition in the United States: she is “worked tuh death,” “ruint wid mistreatment,” yet strong enough to carry impossible “loads” nobody else wants to “tote.”

Nobody wants to be a Black Woman and nobody appreciates Black women but society needs her in order to continue to live at the comfort level that society has enjoyed since the first slave ships hit the shore.

This position of martyr is what causes some Black women to mistake the moniker as something to aspire to, rather than something to run the Hell away from. The desire some women have to pile further strife into their lives is a subconscious way of distracting herself from her own needs and wants, because she thinks her wants and needs will not be met.

The selflessness of the mule role is also a way for her to feel better about herself.

Black women are the darlings of the Western world’s love/hate relationship with power and control no matter the color or the race of the men involved. Being a Strong Black Woman is directly related to the either the (imagined or real) perceived weakness of Black men.

n 1979, almost two decades after Hurston’s death, the black feminist thinker Michele Wallace created a firestorm of controversy when her Black Macho and the Myth of the Superwoman caustically exposed the dynamics of misogyny in the black power movement and deconstructed the mythology of the strong black woman image.  By examining its historical origins, its functions over time, and its harmful psychic and physical impact on black women, Wallace brazenly asserted that “strength” was a pernicious stereotype that had resulted in a conspiracy of silence about black women’s disenfranchisement and exploitation, within both black communities and the larger white-supremacist society.  Like Hurston, Wallace became a victim of vitriolic backlash from black men and women who accused her of disloyalty to the black community.

This ‘strength’ comes with the unspoken rule that those considered strong, such a SBW, shouldn’t complain. Those considered strong, like these certain Black women, don’t complain. A complaint would indicate that someone, somewhere, is causing her a problem.

By implying that Black women are capable, we take away her option of allowing herself to be incapable, or unwilling to carry extreme burden. By removing her ability to complain about her circumstances, we convince ourselves that she’s actually happy going about the daily business of suffrage.

As with anything else, her silence condones the abuse.

Behind the Mask of the Strong Black Woman makes similar points about the historical antecedents of what Beauboeuf-Lafontant calls present-day “mammification.” “Although no longer limited to domestic service, employed Black women too often are treated as modern-day mammies, prized for their fortitude, caring, selflessness, and seeming acceptance of their subordination.” Assumptions about black womanhood, she argues, began with slavery, as black women were viewed as the antithesis of white women to justify harsh labor, brutal whippings, and rape.  Some of those old assumptions have since been embraced and given redeeming qualities by blacks themselves.

I’ll even go as far as to say that some Black women not only behave, but also dress, the part of Mammie when employed. They appear as matronly, dowdy and awkwardly conservative while their non-Black counterparts appear more feminine. And it is this femininity, or loss thereof, that additionally adds to the perception that Black women aren’t ‘real women’.

For both writers, black women are culpable, as they invest in the appearance of invulnerability.  They wear masks, live lies, keep up appearances, perform superhuman tasks, and take care of everybody else, while sacrificing their own feelings and needs, to the detriment of their health.  While women of other groups are also caretakers, for black women, strength too often has meant taking care of other families in addition to, or instead of, their own.

The historic professional track of Black women as caretaker is influenced by her former position as a domestic slave to the White family. With the house and cooking tended to, all White wives, who had husbands who could afford ‘hired help’, were left to do was to cater to their husbands or enjoy their children.

With the Black woman out of the house during the day, and up until early evenings, her own home and family were often neglected until she made her way home to a waiting house, husband and children that expected and required her to do what she’s been doing all day for pay…for free.

If she has a husband, she may find that he now occupies all his free time at the table, or bed, of another woman because she’s so busy taking care of ‘White folks’. His inability to find employment (due to racism) left him both depending on the money she bought home, and resenting her need to work because he didn’t.

It didn’t take long for his bruised ego to send him scurrying away from his feelings of inferiority; welfare programs stepped in to assist with his departure. The daughters of married couples where the father caused more dysfunction and drama than he did security and stability may grow to believe that having a man around isn’t worth the time or effort.

An older female child may take over her household responsibilities, though this substitution of parental roles may play a part in why Black females are often left unsupervised and which makes them readily available for sexual exploitation.

This may be a hint as to why some females pursue motherhood with no father in the picture, as a path to adulthood, rather than academics or education.

Through her mother, she’s been raised to ‘take care of kids’ whether they are hers or not. Going to work, it seems, may just be an extension of the caretaker role that Black women have come to accept as their own.

A woman has enough energy to tend to your family because she gets paid to show up; but when this women drops the ball, it won’t be the one that feeds her or her family.

Beauboeuf-Lafontant maintains that “strength advances a virtuous claim about any Black woman whose efforts and emotional responses defy common beliefs about what is humanly possible amidst adversity.” Strength springs from the social imagination, and its real function is “to defend and maintain a stratified social order by obscuring Black women’s experiences or suffering, acts of desperation, and anger.” But strength is also a personal strategy, as black women “act as if they were invulnerable to abuse…. Black women present themselves as capable of weathering all manner of adversity,” even as they unconsciously collude in their own oppression.

Kids with no parental structure may run wild, husbands may blatantly have affairs or they may bail for greener pastures, in hopes of finding a ‘better woman’ leaving her to continue doing what she was doing, on her own.

No matter how much her employers may praise her, she has not been compensated with the same human courtesy as everyone else. While White women have the option to need additional help (in the form of a Mammie/hired help), the Black woman is left to live with the reality that for her there is no help.

The SBW is overwhelmed but who does she complain to when she is the backbone of all things in space and time?

When a Black woman decides to complain she is called Angry. When a Black woman decides to choose her needs over others she is called selfish. When a Black woman demands to be cared for and exercises her option to the easiest path that satisfies her demands  she is called a sell out.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my day, but a mule…also known as a Jackass, isn’t one of them.