Beyond Black & White » Dating & Marrying Ethnic Men http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Sat, 23 Aug 2014 00:00:20 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.9.2 Man Candy Monday: Arabesque, Allongé! The Beauty of Ballet http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/man-candy-monday-arabesque/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/man-candy-monday-arabesque/#comments Mon, 18 Aug 2014 14:27:13 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32502 Dance is one of the most sensuous and expressive things one can do with their bodies. Dance allows the viewer to witness a body in its full range of motion. Ballet provides the opportunity to study the lines and muscles of a man in what can easily be called a work of art. You’ll understand […]

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Dance is one of the most sensuous and expressive things one can do with their bodies. Dance allows the viewer to witness a body in its full range of motion. Ballet provides the opportunity to study the lines and muscles of a man in what can easily be called a work of art. You’ll understand why dance is considered artistic expression after viewing this week’s Man Candy Monday: Beautiful Ballet Dancers.

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Man Candy Monday: The Blacker the Berry http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/man-candy-monday-blacker-berry/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/man-candy-monday-blacker-berry/#comments Tue, 12 Aug 2014 03:20:02 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32389 There are those who know exactly what they like. Their tastes are carved in stone and nothing else will do. When it comes to men, I’m a fan of aesthetics and beautiful male representation. Dark black skin is like nothing else in this world. This week’s Man Candy Monday is dedicated to the Darkest Berry. […]

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There are those who know exactly what they like. Their tastes are carved in stone and nothing else will do. When it comes to men, I’m a fan of aesthetics and beautiful male representation. Dark black skin is like nothing else in this world. This week’s Man Candy Monday is dedicated to the Darkest Berry.

I find myself whipping and turning my head at these gorgeous dark complexioned men roaming the streets of New York. There are African and Caribbean neighborhoods in New Jersey that rival the ones in New York. I can’t seem to escape being caught off guard by the shadows, suppleness and intrigue of very dark men.

There are far too many images of black men as beasts, or of effeminate muses and not enough images of black men simply being men. This compilation shows dark complexioned men, some may remind you of your grandfathers and uncles. Others may remind you of that cute crush you had back in the day. Others may not be anything more than a walking piece of art.

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This image is of Senegalese wrestlers.

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Oenomaus_2

 

Peter Mensah was born in AccraGhana, and comes from an academic family. He was born to parents of Ashanti origin. He has practiced martial arts since the age of 6. You’ve seen him in 300, Spartacus, GI Joe, and Transformer movie franchises. 

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Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje was born in Islington, London. His parents are Nigerian, of Yoruba origin. He has a law degree from King’s College London and a Masters in Law from the University of London. He is fluent in several foreign languages including Yoruba, Italian, and Swahili. He can “get along” in a few other languages, including French.

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Djimon Gaston Hounsou is a Beninese American actor and model. As an actor, Hounsou has been nominated for two Academy Awards. My very first memory of him was as the leading slave character in the Steven Spielberg movie Amnistad. 

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I see so many hues of brown, black and red undertones that I would love to paint him.

 

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Cheadle

Don Cheadle’s professional career is a long standing one filled with award nominations but his most valued work is that done on behalf of human atrocities. In 2013, Cheadle won the Golden Globe as Best Actor in a Comedy Series for his role in the “House of Lies. 

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Morris-Chestnut-Muscle-Performance

 

I knew not to even attempt to have a MCM discussing dark skinned black men without including Morris Chestnut. This actor has been around for decades and considering his physique  in all the men’s fitness magazine he’s going to be around (and gorgeous) for decades to come.

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Beautiful and enchanting eyes. I would pay good money to have his clean and clear skin.

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I’ve always thought tribal cuts were intricate and a thing of beauty. The presence denotes class, culture or tribal affiliation. The man who has the honor and privilege of donning cuts such as these paid a high price in time, and pain, to obtain.

Style: "04"

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Before Tyrese became synonymous with nonsense dating advice, there was Tyrese the crooner and model. This dark luxe brother gave me life when I first saw him in the Coke a Cola commercial that he snagged while at an audition with a friend. Regardless of his personal life, I still think he’s a gorgeous Black man, and his voice is still churned with pure butter.

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Bernic Mac was definitely gone before his time. A tall, proud dark skinned man from Chicago, ILL, he made it no secret that he was ‘Dark and Lovely’. He married his high school sweetheart and is the father of one daughter. Through interviews and his biography book he made it clear that he loved his complexion and his beautiful brown wife and their chocolate baby girl. He made a point of wearing finely tailored suits made in the style that caused Black men from the mid West to be fashion icons.

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A clone to Tyrese Gibson, Tyson Beckford stunned the high fashion modeling world with his dark skin and Asian shaped eyes. He is one of the word’s most recognized male supermodels to this day after having spent more than twenty years giving the camera a once over with his image. He i a mix of Jamaican-Chinese and Panamanian bloodlines.

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Who in the world is Stringer Bell? I would soon find out because every black woman I knew, and some no black women were harping on about this particular character on HBO’s “The Wire”. Apparently, the British actor playing the role was all that your eyes ever needed to see in life, and I’ll now agree. Idrissa Akuna “Idris” Elba is an accomplished award winning actor of television and film as well as a noted club DJ and occasional musical performer.

 

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As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/millennials-date-out-fetish/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/millennials-date-out-fetish/#comments Mon, 11 Aug 2014 04:09:10 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32374 As younger black women increasingly express their willingness to date out, AND men of other races become more vocal in their adoration of black women’s beauty, the hand wringing in the black community has become frenzied.

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USA, Utah, Provo, Young Couple Playing Video Games in Living Room I recently came across this story from The Root and sighed. As younger black women increasingly express their willingness to date out (through surveys, social media and support of celebrity black women in IRRs), AND men of other races become more vocal in their adoration of black women’s beauty, the hand wringing in the black community has become frenzied. The preferred tool to discourage black women from dating out now seems to be the “fetish” angle, versus the slavemaster meme which is shot down pretty quickly these days.

I am still not sure what the point was of such an overwhelmingly negative story. “Expand the racial make-up of your dating pool and expect rejection!” “White men are incapable of seeing black women as worthy of partnering; they just want to experience your black goodies!” “Technology is a dating bust for black millennials because white people ignore them! So, use an app that’s only for black people!” Yes, there are creeps everywhere. Yes, there are some people of other races who physically prefer their own race. But, if based on your goals, hobbies and interests, you find your dating pool organically consists mainly of people outside your race, disregard the creeps and keep moving forward with the guys who genuinely want you. And never feel burdened with representing the entire black race to each non-black dating prospect you encounter; that’s a self-made recipe for anxiety, frustration and exhaustion, none of which are attractive to other people.

If nothing else, the survey referenced in the story is good news – 93% of millennials surveyed have no issue with interracial dating. Cheers to the generation of tomorrow which sees no problem in choosing character over color.

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Man Candy Monday: Big Bald Head and Those With Coiffed Beards http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/man-candy-monday-big-bald-head-coiffed-beards/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/man-candy-monday-big-bald-head-coiffed-beards/#comments Mon, 04 Aug 2014 10:06:45 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32231 I love to run my fingers through a man’s hair, however, sometimes that’s not necessary. Men with bald heads leave nothing to the imagination. Emotion, expression and vulnerability are his display of power. I’ve no quarrel with a man who spends his well earned money at the barber each and every week. Whether you love […]

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I love to run my fingers through a man’s hair, however, sometimes that’s not necessary. Men with bald heads leave nothing to the imagination. Emotion, expression and vulnerability are his display of power. I’ve no quarrel with a man who spends his well earned money at the barber each and every week. Whether you love a five o’clock shadow or baby smooth skin, today’s Man Candy Monday is celebrating bald headed men and those with groomed beards.

Boris Kojo is just a beautiful man. Tall, muscular and charming, it’s not hard to find something about him to admire. His bald head is balanced perfectly by his bright smile.

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Billy Zane has always had a place on my to-do list, if you get my drift. There’s something haunting and mysterious about his eyes.

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Our friend here has no name, thought I would recognize him anywhere by those mesmerizing green bedroom eyes.

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Asian bald men are easy on the eyes. I’m thinking back to Kung-Fu movies filled with long flowing beards and bald tanned heads. Would I be wrong if I said that the Monk look is appealing?

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Throwback hottie Yule Brenner was Hollywood’s first bald sex symbol. Up to that point, a healthy head full of hair was the standard. Rather than making him look weak and awkward, his bald heads opens up his entire aura. I totally get why he was an icon.
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We can easily move between no hair to additional facial hair when we lay our eyes upon scruffy gents with old fashion good looks.

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Give me a man with a few days worth of growth and I’m content to rub my hands across his chin. This requires sitting in very close proximity to him. When I tell him it’s okay to skip a shaving, I mean, please, please, please DO skip a shaving.

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Some are into a little more facial hair. These men sport beards in the Medium section.

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A contemporary comb over. Gotta love it.

 

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Beards come in Nutmeg, Blondies and Ginger flavor, too.

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Even your his beard has a little extra something going on. Who out there is in love with the rogue?

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Who fears a little sweat? His long full beard only adds to his rugged attraction.

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This image is giving me throwback male pin-up circa the 70′s but he’s from the here and now. Luckily.

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And then there is the rebel at heart. Complete with a long, full, lush beard in full contrast to his gorgeous hair. Gotta love a man that lives on the wild side.

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And just to think, you don’t have to choose either/or because a bald man can just as easily have a beard. Have the best of both, why don’t you? I think you deserve it.

 

 

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New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-anti-swirling-meme-can-oppose-racism-attracted-white-men/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-anti-swirling-meme-can-oppose-racism-attracted-white-men/#comments Thu, 31 Jul 2014 04:41:18 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32095 I’ve been seeing the following bit of stupid making its way around the web at an increased clip. The people who are desperate to guilt-trip black women (and make no mistake, this is almost always brought out to shame black women EXCLUSIVELY…) out of exercising their dating and marriage options will often pull this argument […]

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badfriendsWP

I’ve been seeing the following bit of stupid making its way around the web at an increased clip. The people who are desperate to guilt-trip black women (and make no mistake, this is almost always brought out to shame black women EXCLUSIVELY…) out of exercising their dating and marriage options will often pull this argument out and beat black women over the head with it:

“Why is it that black women are so thirsty for white men one minute and then turn around and complain about racism the next? Which is it? You want a white man or you want to fight racism?”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I can walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. This, boys and girls, is what I call the all-or-nothing okey doke.

 

Skin Color ALONE Does Not A Viable Mate or Enemy Make…

 

Black women, I will NEVER in my life be attracted to a man who hates me.

Now let’s not get it twisted: You don’t have to look outside the black race for men who hate us for being black women. Intra-racial misogyny and colorism directed at black women are both a REALITY.

No matter HOW MANY black women put on the capes and cowls in an attempt to make racism the be all and end all of our social concerns as a gender and group, this fact WILL NOT change.

So there is simply no logic in telling a black woman that she cannot both be opposed members of a group who treat her terribly and attracted to other members of the same group at the very same time. Especially if we’re talking persons who love and respect her for who she is.

If this “all or nothing” argument held any water, then guess what? ALL BLACK PEOPLE WOULD HAVE CEASED TO EXIST BY NOW!

 

Why The “All Or Nothing” Okey Doke?

 

The “all or nothing” okey doke exists so long as some black people think that the only unifying factor of blackness is victimhood.

Here is the reality of America in the 21st century:

  • Not all Caucasian people in the United States are the descendants of slave owners. In fact, an increasing number of people are the descendants of men and women who immigrated to the United States well after slavery was over.
  • Not all people of European descent hate you because you’re black or even hate you at all. Many care as much about you as any sane person would about a total stranger…not at all.
  • Not all black Americans in the United States today are the descendants of slaves or have family that lived under Jim Crow laws. As such, they aren’t necessarily going to understand or empathize with you. This is something that is often presumed for no reason except looking at the color of someone’s skin.
  • Not all black Americans, regardless of whether or not they are the descendants of slaves themselves, are going to relate to you, support you, or have your best interest in mind.

 

Not all white people are “the devil” and not all black people are your kin. This is why it’s possible to love someone for who they are and at the same time, voice opinions about the wrong that someone else is doing.

 

“Aren’t You Afraid That White Guy Will

Reveal Himself To Be Racist?”

 

It’s a shame how many black women walk around with this kind of fear while not even batting an eyelash and black people calling her “tar baby” or rappers laughing about a stupid “pool test”.

Like I said, you don’t have to look very far as a black woman for soul-crushing hate and evil if that’s REALLY want you want to look for.

However if you decide you want to be with a white guy or any guy who isn’t black, then you should be looking for him to reveal negative characteristics about himself. That’s a part of vetting.

 

Sensible Vetting Vs. Self-Fulfilling Prophesies

 

There are black women who are simply too distrusting of white men and women to ever benefit from interracial dating and relationships. To those women, I say this: DON’T BOTHER.

Either keep hoping for a black man to show up or look to another non-black group. Just remember: Even though you may both experience racial, ethnical, or religious discrimination doesn’t mean these non-white men are going to check for you.

As others have revealed, there are colorist and racist issues in various non-black ethnic groups as well. Let’s just say it would be smart to build a relationship with a man on something OTHER than the pain of prejudice.

As for the decision to date Caucasian men, some African American women just should steer clear of this arena because these women aren’t interested in vetting men to find a guy who fits their needs.

 

Instead, these black women are looking to prove to themselves that “all white men just want a black woman for sex and are really racist creeps”.

I feel about these women who abandon interracial dating  the exact same way I feel about white men who abandon interracial dating based off a preexisting negative set of beliefs…

The world does not stop spinning because someone decides they have no interest in knowing or dating me, so I wouldn’t expect any other sensible black woman to lose sleep over it either.

If a man is found to be not for you, then let that be the end of it. Move on.

 

Sexual Fetishes And Fantasies vs. A Stable Relationship

 

I was actually going to write an article on this, but thanks to Dani’s brilliant article, I don’t have to.

But I will say this:

I am sick and tired of black people acting like the only way that a black woman can relate to another human being is on her back!

Black women, your sexuality is only A PART of who you are! If any man or woman tries to make that all of who you are or convince you that it’s your only source of value, excommunicate them from that church that is YOU!

It is okay to be sexual and sexually active. Be smart and use protection.

That’s all I ask. Oh, and use safe words where applicable.

 

It is okay to have sexual fantasies and fetishes and act them out with a willing and consenting partner. You don’t need to explain them to anyone. You don’t need to justify them to anyone. So long as both people are being given what they want and need, then I have no issue.

I worry about any black woman who allows herself to be degraded by ANY MAN for reasons that tie into low self-esteem and self-worth. This is often ignored when the degradation is intra-racial and even praised.

 

Meanwhile the FEAR of degradation and fetishization is often used as a psychological weapon against black women when they decide to be with men who are white, even if the man demonstrates that he loves and respects her.

These trolls try and spin a “it’s just a matter of time” narrative for women while implying that being a black woman means no man could ever REALLY love or value them.

Many of these concern trolls hold up the porn industry as an example of how black women should expect to be treated by non-black, and especially white men. This is an idiotic thing to say because PORN SEX IS NOT REAL SEX AND PORNOGRAPHY IS NOT AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS!!!

If a man gets off on putting you down emotionally, physically, and sexually, the last thing you should be thinking about is his skin color. You should instead be seeking the nearest exit!

 

How Should You Respond To The “All-Or-Nothing” Okey Doke?

 

First, ask yourself if the troll in question is worth responding to at all. If not then just ignore him/her. Life is too short to be explaining yourself and creating disclaimers for random individuals who don’t know how to mind their own business.

If you feel a response is required, feel free to use one of these:

1.) “I love ______ for who he is and _______ loves me for who I am. Believe it or not, it’s possible to do that while also acknowledging the reality of white racism and white privilege.”

2.) “If I loved ________ because he was white and he only wanted me because I was black, then I would be a hypocrite. But since that’s not our reality, I am free to complain about white racism and push for change. Besides, at the end of the day…I’m still a black woman, and still vulnerable to white racism.”

3.) “If I’m expected to be scared of loving any white men but expect to be loved by all black men then please explain the vile, colorist things some black men love saying about me as a black woman. If I’m expected to believe not all black men hate me, shouldn’t I expand that to all men?”

4.) “I’m sorry, but I don’t walk around thinking about who doesn’t want me or who hates me. I date men based on common interests and mutual attraction. If I happen to come across a racist white guy, then it’s nothing for me to move on to the next guy.”

 

Have you had someone try the “all-or-nothing okey doke” on you? What was your response?

 

If black men are free to date white women regardless of past and present racial issues…why are people so bold as to tell black women she needs to “stay away” from white men?*

 

 

 

*Yeah, yeah. I know the answer to that question and so do a lot of you. But this is all brand new to some people, so let’s offer honest details and responses for those who may be genuinely (or even not so genuinely) puzzled.

 

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Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ladies-careful-dating-ethnic-men-parents-family-often-come-first/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ladies-careful-dating-ethnic-men-parents-family-often-come-first/#comments Fri, 25 Jul 2014 05:36:29 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=31967 I recently read an article on Your Tango called, “My Boyfriends Was Ashamed of Me Because I’m Black.” I’ll admit, the first thought the writer was talking about a white guy whom she dated and once introduced to family, was unceremoniously dumped. After all, this does happen. But surprisingly, I see this more often when […]

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True love vs. Family pressure

True love vs. Family pressure

I recently read an article on Your Tango called, “My Boyfriends Was Ashamed of Me Because I’m Black.” I’ll admit, the first thought the writer was talking about a white guy whom she dated and once introduced to family, was unceremoniously dumped. After all, this does happen.

But surprisingly, I see this more often when black women are involved with interracial relationships with minority men–Asian, Hispanic, Arab comes to mind right off of my head. When the writer divulged that her ex was Egyptian and muslim, I unfortunately wasn’t surprised.

Here’s some excerpts: From the stories he shared with me, I knew that Harvey came from a small Egyptian family who practiced Islam. He confided in me that he didn’t really consider himself that religious and would often get frustrated pretending to be just to appease his mother. I loved hearing him speak about his family’s culture and the customs that they followed. Being of Haitian descent (with a tight knit Catholic family of my own), I couldn’t say that I shared the same struggle as him, but I understood what it meant to feel so disconnected from what was supposed to be your identity. Growing up, I was subject to a running joke among my friends that I would marry someone outside of my nationality and race because I always had crushes on guys who were not black. It eventually started to catch on to the point that my classmates teased me constantly, making comments like, “Cassandra probably wishes she was a white girl with the way she’s chasing after those white boys!” and “Why can’t you like someone in your own race for once?” I hated their bullying, and so stopped confiding in them (and really anyone else) about my romantic interests for years. Those days I felt like I was drowning.

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What Harvey wasn’t open about was whether I’d ever fit into one of his stories. He never introduced me to his family or brought me to his house, and he refused to take any of my relationship questions seriously. When I would try to ask what he thought about interracial dating, he laughed and told me to “Relax. Stop thinking so hard.” I did not push back on him and demand that he answer me; in fact, I let myself fall even deeper into this relationship, which we never defined or named.

Take a close look at the quote above. He gave several indications that he could/would never take this relationship seriously.

  • He never discussed a future with her. If a man talks of his future and never includes you, that’s because you’re not in it.
  • After dating for months and months, he never introduced her to his family.
  • He downplayed the interracial relationship conversation. While I don’t think this is a topic of conversation on the first date, couples need to acknowledge the challenges that their racial, religious and culture differences after a few months of dating. 
  • Despite having a nagging feeling, the black woman allowed this man waste her time.

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Another quote:

But it wasn’t until the one year anniversary of my brother’s death that he was finally honest with me. That day on the sidewalk, he told me that he was never planning on telling his parents about us because of my race and that he would rather take his chances with a white woman than risk upsetting his family. In our three years together, he had never shared this concern with me.

In a way, hearing that my Christianity had nothing to do with his breaking up with me was almost worse. I could control my beliefs but I couldn’t change my race. I was so utterly ashamed that I hid the embarrassment from my face and – once again – said, “OK.”. Because of my dark skin, whatever this was between us had an expiration date that only he was aware of from the beginning.

While I dedicated an entire chapter to dating ethnic men in Swirling, I’ll break this down a bit.   Ladies, no matter what the man’s ethnicity, you can not allow yourself to be strung along by noncommittal men who have chosen from the beginning that you will never be the wife. The only exception is a white woman to them, because they’re at the top of the racial hierarchy in America. It’s considered a come up not only for the man, but for the entire family. Dating ethnic men have more challenges, and shockingly, many black women have more in common culturally with white men than first-generation ethnic men, who heavily rely and depend on the family approval of a perspective wife. That in and of itself isn’t necessary wrong, but I have a BIG problem with ethnic men stringing black women along until they can “upgrade.” Here’s a rule of thumb:

  • As soon as possible, allow him to talking about himself. Listen INTENTLY. The more you listen, the more cues you’ll have. More importantly, note what he’s not saying.
  • Seriously consider ending the relationship if you haven’t been introduced to his parents after six months or so.
  • Consider it a huge red flag if you haven’t been introduced to his friends.
  • Go with your gut. If it feels wrong, it probably is. If you bring up your concerns to your boyfriend and he quickly dismisses it and accuses you to “worrying too much,” consider that a huge red flag.

Don’t waste your precious, irreplaceable ovary eggs, youth and beauty on a man who only wants to hide you while he’s using you as a bedwarmer until he’s ready to marry the girl that is not you.

The post Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

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