Beyond Black & White » Relationships http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Mon, 24 Nov 2014 05:32:05 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0.1 Propaganda Ramping Up On Black Women Dating and Marrying Interracially http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/propaganda-ramping-black-women-dating-marrying-interracially/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/propaganda-ramping-black-women-dating-marrying-interracially/#comments Mon, 24 Nov 2014 05:30:23 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34807 I’ve watched with some amusement and more than a little bit of incredulity the series of lies and propaganda against black women dating and marrying interracially. In 2010, the argument was, “White men don’t want black women. They only go for white-looking black women.” Simultaneously, I was belittled by black men who said the only […]

The post Propaganda Ramping Up On Black Women Dating and Marrying Interracially appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
I’ve watched with some amusement and more than a little bit of incredulity the series of lies and propaganda against black women dating and marrying interracially.

In 2010, the argument was, “White men don’t want black women. They only go for white-looking black women.”

alfre_woodard_5248156

Simultaneously, I was belittled by black men who said the only reason I wrote “Swirling” was because just looking at me, they knew no “quality” black men were checking for me. You know, because I’m so dark, nappy headed, and ugly.

10524183_10203737399289714_2715722124385376952_o

1926222_10203469098902372_3259261295945271650_o

And don’t forget the old standby–“White men might screw you, but they won’t be taking you home or marrying you…”

1799179_678179632295844_6429738277191403066_o


“Black women are the least picked, the most unattractive, ratchet and unfeminine…”

12175_730718890320566_4856880415478402620_n

 

10649841_746009382124850_7445459739256945415_n

 

10685427_10152734651782179_3633682283218213924_n

And while these lies are propagated, then come the lame-ass explanations from folks trying to hypothesize why the positive news–that black women are intermarrying at higher rates than ever before in history, and such marriages are less likely to dissolve into divorce–because black women are just too unattractive and disgusting to find mates, and that if they leave their white husbands, black men aren’t going to want them. But this isn’t just coming from the black folks–oh no. Idiot white people are also trying to make sense of it.

In a blog post by a somewhat douchey guy who has the false confidence-tone I see on many a PUA (pick up artist) and MGTWO (men going their own way) commented on how he’s noticing white men are snapping up successful and good looking black women and noting that black women married to white men have the lowest divorce rates…

Let’s use OKCupid for some help. OKCupid’s data seems to point to white guys being picked for exclusivity even more by Hispanic and Asian women than with white women. White guys also make pretty good money. They also seem to have fewer kids out of wedlock. If you’re looking for husband material, white guys seem to be a good catch. Marriage itself has also become a middle class and upper class thing (thanks progs), so the type of white guy making the decision to marry is most likely earning some dough and looking to raise a family because what idiot is locking into one woman forever if he doesn’t want kids. Let’s use OKCupid’s data again (it’s a great OKCupid post) or Kanazawa’s study for black women. Just relaying study results. As far as the sexual marketplace goes, not all that high of value. As far as making money or wealth, not all that high either. As far as getting married, not all that many black women getting married either.

How do people meet their spouses? School, work, social circle or activities with their social circle. On the socioeconomic scale, we’re probably talking about a setting with a higher percentage of whites than blacks (even Obama’s campaign events). To borrow from the other explanation, possibly a higher household income and educational attainment levels. Oddly enough, the percentage of BF-WM couples where both have colleges degrees has dropped since 1980, yet the divorce rate remains well below the white-white average. In the unmentionables realm, you’ve got one member of a group that has pretty high value as a whole pairing with another member from a group with lower value. In a world of declining commitment, a man marrying is putting up stakes and locking one woman down. These white guys are selected at high rates by all groups of women and are committing to a woman from a group that has been assigned a lower value in the mating marketplace.

Think about what you see with these pairings. He might be a SWPL, he might be an Ed Hardy t-shirt guy, but she is going to be thin and attractive. Isn’t that all modern white men really want? That must eliminate some divorces from the frivolous and superficial crowd, but women initiate 2/3 of all divorces. He’s happy with her physically, and ahem, what’s the trade up for the lady if she leaves? If she divorces, what is her lifeboat or escape plan? Isn’t one of the thoughts behind the lower divorce rate for older brides the idea that she is older and has fewer options when she gets the seven year itch? Who is she going to find 7-10 years after exhaling at the altar? A woman who has made such a lifetime commitment selection, breaking away from a group that demands such conformity as modern America’s African-American community, might be attuned to what her options are. Google good brotha shortage. Suddenly that lower divorce rate makes more sense doesn’t it?

Long silence.

Okay; so let’s get this straight. Sloppy, booger-eating, beer-guzzling white guys are “high value” simply because of their whiteness, according to this guy. And as such, he can pick gorgeous, slim and successful black women (even though “the scientificals” suggest we’re all disgusting and no one wants us–which is it? Wish these bigots would make up their minds) and she won’t leave because she’ll feel so darned lucky to have a man because no one wants her she’s stay with Al Bundy, who burps and farts in her mouth and calls her the n-word. Uh-huh.

So…black women aren’t staying married to white men because they’re actually happy and content. They do so out of desperation.

How about this, you a-holes? How about black women married to white men know they are the ultimate power couple? How about the idea that white men admire the intelligence, resiliency, unique (and ageless) beauty of black women? How about the idea that black women admire that fact that many white men are socialized to marry the mothers of their children and to provide, protect and produce, and those qualities make these white men ultra irresistible to black women who desire such things? How about the fact that white guys married to black women get a kick out of people thinking they’re dating/married to women a decade or so younger than them because black don’t crack? Maybe black women really, really like being courted, treated with respect and have their accomplishments actually seen as a asset, rather than a liability? Maybe these two groups of people have it figured out while all the others are left scratching their heads.

Serious question. Do you think George Lucas married Mellody Hobson because he figured no one else wanted her so she was a safe bet?

george-lucas-mellody-hobson

Do you think Max married Eve as part of a “Help of Hoe” charity outreach?

TPt27Ty

Oh, and surely no white woman wanted this man, son of a superior court judge, grandson of a self-made millionaire, graduate of one of the most prestigious colleges on the East Coast and maker of six figures, so he settled for me…

IMG_2989

Be ready, folks. There will more and more ridiculous explanations for the rise of these pairings, so just be prepared with your laff tracks.

The post Propaganda Ramping Up On Black Women Dating and Marrying Interracially appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/propaganda-ramping-black-women-dating-marrying-interracially/feed/ 14
Leona’s Love Quest: Taking the Fear out of Relationship Failures http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/leonas-love-quest-taking-fear-relationship-failures/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/leonas-love-quest-taking-fear-relationship-failures/#comments Thu, 20 Nov 2014 04:12:50 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34765 As some of you have already noticed, my perspective on life and relationships has changed since I went on the Matthew Hussey Retreat. However, taking more risks and pushing myself out of my comfort zone has not been easy. I can even foresee the potential for things to get even worse. I always tend to […]

The post Leona’s Love Quest: Taking the Fear out of Relationship Failures appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
Sad young african american

As some of you have already noticed, my perspective on life and relationships has changed since I went on the Matthew Hussey Retreat. However, taking more risks and pushing myself out of my comfort zone has not been easy. I can even foresee the potential for things to get even worse. I always tend to get a little melancholy around the holidays and as the weather gets cold I find it more and more difficult to get out of bed and stay motivated. I know that probably sounds pessimistic, but I’ve learned that I actually have a greater chance for success if I build a strategy for failure. When things go wrong the most important thing to do is to get myself back on track and boy did things go wrong recently with the Friend Zone Guy.

Months ago (when we were no longer dating but still remained friends) I had asked him to build me a bookshelf and it had been sitting in his apartment finished for weeks. I would have just left it there, but I owed him money for it and he had some books I wanted back. I also thought tying up those last few loose ends would then signify the end of our association. Just when I was feeling optimistic about moving forward with my life his online dating profile popped up in one of my searches. First came the unmistakable feeling of schadenfreude over the failure of his relationship. Then followed an absurd glimmer of hope that he might finally come to worship me as the goddess I am instead of sticking me back in the Friend Zone. I knew no good could come of this. Things only got worse after he delivered the bookshelf and return my belongings.  I was fine until he told me how depressed he was over basically driving away the woman he was madly in love with. Then I just totally lost it.

It was the words “madly in love” that set me off; then my thoughts went racing. Madly in love with her?! Her!? Why her?! What made this woman so freaking desirable? What did she have that I didn’t? Then just couldn’t contain my thoughts from spilling out my mouth. “I guess just wasn’t exotic enough for you, huh?” I spewed resentfully.  “Was I stuck in the Friend Zone because I’m not West Indian?  Am I not black enough for you because I’m well-educated and didn’t grow up in the ghetto? Why are you even here right now? I suppose now that you’re lonely you want to be friends?”  I cringed at every petty, pathetic, low-value, insecure word that I uttered, but I couldn’t take them back. My anger only dissolved into self-pity.

“Isn’t there anything you can tell me? I don’t understand why this keeps happening to me and you’re the only person I know who might give me an honest answer.” I pleaded.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” he replied. “I’m dealing with my own issues with rejection.  I can only say that most men are attracted to confidence.”

“I know, but how am I expected to stay confident when I keep getting rejected?”

“You can’t be confident in spurts. You just have to be.”

I just have to be. The crazy thing is that deep-down inside I honestly believe that I’m a fucking catch. I only act like a maniac because I can’t get anyone else to see me that way.  If I didn’t think I deserved better I would have settled for any number of mediocre matches I met a long time ago. Because I connected with the Friend Zone Guy I became too focused on all the reasons why I liked him.  I thought he’d just be happy that an awesome woman like me was interested, but men don’t value what they don’t earn.  Even if he tries to convince you he’s not worthy of your attention by acting all self-deprecating, really it’s all just an act. Once he starts giving you the Groucho Marx routine- you know that joke about not wanting to belong to any club that would accept him as a member- I advise you take your offer someplace else.

Giving away my acceptance so freely killed what little attraction I had managed to create with the Friend Zone Guy. If not, I’m sure my last little episode put the nail in the coffin. I didn’t just fail to handle this situation with dignity, I failed spectacularly.  Thankfully the retreat advised me to prepare for failure while finding my way to impenetrable core confidence. Failing at anything is unpleasant to say the least, but failing at relationships has been particularly soul-crushing for me. It still can send me into a negativity spiral of rejection, self-loathing and hopelessness, but I don’t have to stay there for long. Here are some of the strategies I learned at the retreat to overcome the fear of failure:

  1. I CREATE A MINDSET FOR GROWTH THAT ACCEPTS FAILURE AS PART OF THE PROCESS. Sometimes the fear of failure can be more intimidating than the failure itself. Only a fixed mind avoids challenges and waits for perfection.  Sometimes you can do everything right and things still don’t turn out the way you had hoped. Even our failures can provide us with something to learn from. I have learned that anyone who needs to be convinced of my value is a waste of my time. I was also reminded that comparison is the basis of all misery. I am better served channeling the energy I’d waste on being envious into celebrating all of my wonderful qualities or motivating myself to do better.
  2. I BASE MY SUCCESS ON EFFORT BASED ACTIONS INSTEAD OF RESULTS. The only real failure for me is inaction. When I learned to enjoy the journey, it became easier for me to ignore the bumps in the road. I won’t allow this failed relationship to keep me from finding the kind of love I desire and deserve.
  3. I PRACTICE GRATITUDE. I still have fond memories of the time I spent with Friend Zone Guy and I am glad that we met. If we hadn’t I’m fairly sure I would not be living in this apartment I love in a beautiful neighborhood that brings me joy every day.
  4. I REMOVE THE JUDGMENT FROM FAILURE AND FORGIVE MYSELF. I give myself a clean slate to deal with yesterday’s problems, accept the challenge of today, and move on towards the future.  If I keep beating myself up over what went wrong in the past, I won’t have the strength to figure out what to do next.

These strategies work not only for my relationships, but any goal I may set for my life. Of course no one wants to make a habit out of failing, but I can’t allow failure to keep me from moving forward.  Lord knows as overworked as I’ve been lately, I’ve been falling short of my health and fitness goals and I’ve only crossed off one letter on my alphabetical list of places to meet men.  I am not exaggerating either. I manage the costume shop at the university where I work and when we go into dress rehearsals I leave home at 8:45am and don’t get home until nearly midnight. There is no time for grocery shopping or cooking so sometimes I’ll purchase three meals a day for two straight weeks. I enjoy my job for the most part, but it does not pay well enough to do that or generally provide the kind of lifestyle I desire. I also lost my part-time assistant to a better job offer this year and I wasn’t given the budget to replace her.  After opening night, I spend most of my weekends completely broke, surrounded by piles of dirty laundry, and watching bad Lifetime movies in my pajamas. In fact, I’m beginning to realize if I don’t make some major changes to my work environment soon, I may never get to the rest of my list.

Other than strategizing for failure, what suggestions do you have for managing a better work/life balance until I can improve my situation?

The post Leona’s Love Quest: Taking the Fear out of Relationship Failures appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/leonas-love-quest-taking-fear-relationship-failures/feed/ 67
Black Female-Centered Media is Coming Around to Our Side, but is It Only Because the NY Post Said it Was Okay? http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/black-female-centered-media-coming-around-side-ny-post-said-okay/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/black-female-centered-media-coming-around-side-ny-post-said-okay/#comments Tue, 18 Nov 2014 15:47:25 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34725 Before the New York Post wrote about Jacque Reid’s reversal of her decision to participate in my coaching, I was often the running joke of online media in the so-called “black space.” First they mocked me. Then they ignored me. But then, the New York Post comes along and validates and reports a position I […]

The post Black Female-Centered Media is Coming Around to Our Side, but is It Only Because the NY Post Said it Was Okay? appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
approved_red_stamp

Before the New York Post wrote about Jacque Reid’s reversal of her decision to participate in my coaching, I was often the running joke of online media in the so-called “black space.” First they mocked me. Then they ignored me. But then, the New York Post comes along and validates and reports a position I have taken from DAY ONE–interracial dating isn’t about exclusion, but inclusion; and choose character above color–and now it seems previous outlets who viewed me as hell’s handmaiden for white supremacy are beginning to soften their position.

And for this, I’m glad. I’m feeling like there’s a general trend…a softening of attitude and an attempt at FINALLY seeing some empathy for successful women withering on the vine while they wait and wait and wait for their Black Prince Charming to arrive, while shunning every other race of man. I did a video narrative about this way back in the day. Time to dust it off.

 

I think people have largely been in denial about the harsh pressure and social consequences imposed on black women when they decide to cast a wide net. It’s natural for us to seek the approval of others, and it makes it just that more difficult if we don’t sense that the people most important to us don’t and won’t support our decision to find happiness with men of other races. Some of us feel like we need permission, which is why was really happy to hear Wendy Williams talk about how she admired how Serena Williams has been open about her desire to marry, and her openness to entertain men of all races.

Back to Jacque, I really admired what Clutch had to say about this whole event…

Christelyn Karazin, 41, who co-authors the book Swirling:How to Date, Mate, and Relate Mixing Race, Culture and Creed and serves as brand ambassador for InterracialDatingCentral.com. was looking forward to working with Reid. She understands the pressures that come with dating outside your race, she happens to be married to a white man with whom she has three kids, and her decision has exposed her to hurtful criticism. Most of the push back comes from Black men even though they are known to notoriously date women of other races. “Black men date or marry interracially at more than double the level women do”. “They are given a pass. They can date anyone they want to – Black women, white women”

Karazin explains that she wanted to use Reid to prove that women of her caliber can have healthy options when it comes to dating. Black women tend to be hesitant about dating interracially not just because of the backlash, but also the sense of loyalty they have for their men. But ultimately this mentality is crippling and significantly reduces their chances of finding love, which might be the reason why so many remain single. Reid most likely didn’t feel comfortable with concept of dating outside her race for fear of what people might say or how it would affect her public persona.

But Karazin thinks its time for Black women to step outside their boundaries and stop allowing race to limit their choices. Black men are 50 percent less likely to graduate from high school or attend college when compared to Black women. Not to mention that the rate of incarceration is more than double for Black men than it is for their white counterparts.

These statistics make it clear that black women need to be open to the idea of settling down with a guy who meets their needs – regardless of color. It may be cliché to think this – but love has been known to break through barriers.

Hopefully Jacque Reid will re-consider her decision and give it another try.

This is a far cry from the reception Jacque Reid got from the peanut gallery on the Tom Joyner Morning Show, who’s hosts openly mocked her. This has been the typical reaction from black men to which I am referring.

The web site, Young, Black and Fabulous also weighed in…

Her situation with InterracialDatingCentral.com was going to be a BIG to-do. The website sent out a press release saying,

“The popular interracial dating website is now announcing that it is searching for eligible New York City bachelors, ages 35 to 45 to submit pictures, a bio, a contact telephone number, and a brief description explaining why they would like to be considered for a date with the beautiful and talented Jacque Reid. “

Sounds fun right? Imagine having hundreds, maybe thousands of eligible bachelors in New York City vying for your attention. What single gal would turn down that attention? Well….Jacque, who has only dated outside of her race once, was on board – at first.  But, she backed out of the planned searched shortly after the press release went out. Why?

InterracialDatingCentral’s Brand Ambassador, Christelyn Karazin might have an answer. During a candid chat with the NY Post, Christelyn offered the observation that Jacque back out because it’s taboo for Black women to date outside of their race…and she suggested Jacque bought into that.

She added, “Black men date or marry interracially at more than double the level women do. They are given a pass. They can date anyone they want to — black women, white women.”

One thing’s clear….Christelyn does not subscribe to that belief. She’s gone on record saying, “This isn’t about exclusion, it’s about inclusion. What you’ve been doing almost your entire dating life is excluding. Just because you date or marry a white man doesn’t mean you’re not black anymore. You still have your black card.”

Hmmm….food for thought.  For the record, Jacque Reid’s official reason for backing out of the deal was that she got “busy” with work. That’s completely possible. But it may just be a piece of the story.

But it’s kind of…well…interesting that it took the initial NY Post article, which is largely approving of black women expanding their options, was the catalyst for this attitude change. Jacque Reid ended up being a martyr for the cause of black women finding love in all races without recrimination, and I can tell you, neither I or Jacque ever thought that would be the outcome.

Of course, these media outlets aren’t privy to the whole story, because I gave a thorough explanation and background details in our PRIVATE AND PROTECTED forum. You have to register to see it here.

The post Black Female-Centered Media is Coming Around to Our Side, but is It Only Because the NY Post Said it Was Okay? appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/black-female-centered-media-coming-around-side-ny-post-said-okay/feed/ 48
Sad News. Jacque Reid Pulled Out if the IR Dating Challenge, and it’s All Over the New York Post http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/sad-news-jacque-reid-pulled-ir-dating-challenge-new-york-post/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/sad-news-jacque-reid-pulled-ir-dating-challenge-new-york-post/#comments Mon, 17 Nov 2014 09:23:50 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34699 We were all thrilled when Jacque Reid took up the challenge to expand her dating options with the help of my coaching and InterracialDatingCentral.com. What I couldn’t tell you until today is that Jacque pulled out. There’s a reason, and I’ll get more into detail as to the reason for this on the forum, because […]

The post Sad News. Jacque Reid Pulled Out if the IR Dating Challenge, and it’s All Over the New York Post appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
H&M Collaboration With Anna Della Russo At The Plaza Hotel

We were all thrilled when Jacque Reid took up the challenge to expand her dating options with the help of my coaching and InterracialDatingCentral.com. What I couldn’t tell you until today is that Jacque pulled out. There’s a reason, and I’ll get more into detail as to the reason for this on the forum, because of the sensitive nature of the reason, which boils down to Jacque and her handlers getting cold feet about the whole project.  You’ll find it under “Jacque’s Chronicles.” You can read the New York Post story. You’ll find my quotes in there as well.

This may be the last remaining taboo in our supposedly colorblind society.

A New York City woman — beautiful, educated, successful and single — accepted a challenge presented by an online dating service that aimed to fix her up with available men.

“I’m not desperate to get married,’’ said Jacque Reid, who co-hosts the “New York Live” lifestyle show on WNBC-TV News Channel 4, serves as a correspondent for the nationally syndicated “Tom Joyner Morning Show” on the radio, and is the editor in chief of SingleandLivingFab.com.

“I’ve met some good men. I’ve met some bad men and dated very bad men,” laughed Reid, a fitness enthusiast and never-married Atlanta, Ga., native who lives in Manhattan with her pet Shih Tzus — a boy named Sugar-Shane and a girl named Zoe.

“I’m happy being single,” said Reid, who declined to give her age.

She said, “I’m excited about” the Web-based matchup service. “It will be fun — and I’ll get some dates.”

But two days after we spoke last week, a WNBC spokeswoman informed me that Reid no longer planned to accept the dating service’s challenge because she was “busy.”

A friend told me that she’d changed her mind about it.

Why?

The answer may be found in the dating service’s name: InterracialDatingCentral.com.

Reid, who is African-American, had opened herself up to the possibility of going out with men who are not.

Except for one white guy, she has dated only within her race.

Reid had talked about the challenge on the radio and publicly accepted the service’s offer.

She agreed to be featured in a news release announcing that she would go on a series of blind dates with four New York-area bachelors of all races, including African-Americans.

Then the pushback began.

In this day and age, some people are vehemently against the idea of a woman of color going out with men of other backgrounds.

And the opposition comes from within the black community.

How can this be?

Mayor de Blasio, who is white, has been married to a black woman, Chirlane McCray, for more than two decades, and race matters to no one.

But the black character Olivia Pope (played by Kerry Washington), a Washington, DC, crisis manager on the ABC show “Scandal,” is routinely savaged online for having a fictional affair with the show’s married, white president of the United States.

“People don’t understand. They think it’s no big deal, but it is,” said Christelyn Karazin, co-author with Janice Roshalle Littlejohn of the book “Swirling: How to Date, Mate, and Relate Mixing Race, Culture and Creed.”

Karazin also writes the blog Beyond Black & White, runs an online forum of the same name and is brand ambassador to the interracial-dating site.

She was set to help Reid find new men.

“Why do you have to be brave to date whomever the hell you want to? This is 2014, not 1814!” she told me.

More than 12 years ago, Karazin, 41, who is African-American, married a white insurance executive, Michael, 42.

The pair lives happily in California with their three kids and Christelyn Karazin’s daughter from a previous relationship.

Yet criticism — some of it hurled online, some of it in Karazin’s face — for “marrying out” can be cruel.

Most of it comes from black men, she told me.

“Black men date or marry interracially at more than double the level women do,” she said.

“They are given a pass. They can date anyone they want to — black women, white women.”

The purpose of the dating challenge, she said, was to expand a woman’s choices.

Black women are up to 50 percent more likely than their male counterparts to graduate from high school, reports the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and The Schott Foundation for Public Education.

About twice the number of black women attend college as black men, according to the National Coalition of Black Civic Participation.

And the Pew Research Center determined that black men were more than six times as likely as white men to be serving time in prisons and jails in 2010.

Meanwhile, said Karazin, the rate of out-of-wedlock births to black women is 72 to 80 percent — up to 100 percent in some communities.

Some of the ills facing black men, particularly high incarceration rates for relatively minor crimes, are unfair to them.

But Karazin does not believe that black women should be limited by race when choosing partners.

She’s right.

Skin color should not matter when it comes to love.

You can read my explanation and more background on the forum…if any subject needed to be discussed in a private and protected forum, this is it. You’ll have to register to see it.

The post Sad News. Jacque Reid Pulled Out if the IR Dating Challenge, and it’s All Over the New York Post appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/sad-news-jacque-reid-pulled-ir-dating-challenge-new-york-post/feed/ 170
Jim’s Story: He Was Never Going to Be Her ‘IBM,’ But… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/jims-story-never-going-ibm/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/jims-story-never-going-ibm/#comments Sun, 16 Nov 2014 04:10:40 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34682 While I love getting messages from black women who have successfully crossed color lines, there’ something so endearing when a man, who thought he’d never had a chance, share his story. Thanks, Jim for sharing your swirling story! —————————- Being a closet reader of “Beyond Black and White” for almost 8 months, I finally feel […]

The post Jim’s Story: He Was Never Going to Be Her ‘IBM,’ But… appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
While I love getting messages from black women who have successfully crossed color lines, there’ something so endearing when a man, who thought he’d never had a chance, share his story. Thanks, Jim for sharing your swirling story!

—————————-

Being a closet reader of “Beyond Black and White” for almost 8 months, I finally feel compelled to write and share my story.  I am a white male raised in an upper middle class small southern town. I was brought up with traditional values of respect for others and to always “mind my manners”. Keeping with tradition, I married a hometown girl. By the time I was 49 years old however, my wife and I divorced.  Rarely does life travel a straight road, and we are all subject to many twist and turns as well as a few reversals. This was mine.

I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for when I went on a dating website for singles 50 and over.  As I was perusing the many profiles that were offered, I found one of a beautiful black woman riding a camel (of all things!).  Aha! This girl has a sense of adventure!  Her other profile picture had her under a large sun hat with the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen.  I had never dated a black woman before.  I have always been attracted to women of different ethnic backgrounds, but never really thought any would be interested in an ordinary white man like me.

Having nothing to lose online, I promptly sent her a message and asked about her camel riding experience.  To my surprise she responded! We began chatting through the website. Through our conversations I discovered we had the same sense of humor and shared many of the same life values. I found her to be well traveled, highly intelligent, beautiful, spirited and above all, adventurous! She was everything I could have dreamed of in a woman. Three weeks later we went out; meeting at a Chinese restaurant.  The date was a great first date! We spent the evening getting to know each other, sharing food, poetry, and lots of laughter. Afterwards, we went for a walk and shared chocolate chip ice cream on the warm summer evening. I knew she was special.  As time went by, we would share dinners, movies, and adventures like hiking, kayaking, and ziplining together.  My feelings were growing stronger, and one evening, I asked her if she would consider me as a candidate for her boyfriend.  Much to my sorrow, she told me that she was not really in the market for a boyfriend at that time.  She said I was a wonderful man, and would make a great boyfriend for someone.  She even offered to set me up with one of her friends!

unnamed-4

Time passed, and even though we were both dating other people, our friendship deepened. She was seeing a retired NBA basketball player.  He was tall, dark, handsome and financially well off. She had admitted that she was really looking for her IBM (Ideal Black Man) and dating a white man was just “not as easy”.  She was looking for the magic in a relationship and wasn’t going to settle for anything less. Nevertheless, our friendship continued to grow.  She shared her perspective, experiences and world with me. It blew me away. I consider myself to be a smart man, but through our conversations I was ushered into a whole new world.  She told me of the jobs, apartments, and promotions she didn’t get because of her color.  She told me of slurs, name calling, and all the generalizations that some people make because she is woman of color.  My heart sank as I heard her stories.  She had so many reasons to be bitter about how people treated her in the past, but she never was. How could such an intelligent (she’s working on her second Master’s), beautiful woman be treated like this? Why can they not see her as the person I see?   Her strength of character and forgiveness left me in awe. (As it still does!)

On Christmas evening we met as friends to exchange gifts. As we talked, she said she needed to share something with me. She asked if I would be interested in a relationship with her. I was shocked! We talked of many things.  She told me after she had prayed; she knew the magic she was looking for was right in front of her if she just opened her eyes. I was speechless. I knew I could never be her IBM, and I was afraid that at some point my ethnicity would come into play.  She said she realized that her ideal man didn’t have to come in a particular color.  Her ideal man was what was on the inside, not on the outside. She took a leap of faith. Then so did I.

On the evening of December 25, 2013, I kissed Annette for the first time.  Five months of friendship was now developing into something special.  I was kissing my best friend.

Since then our relationship has blossomed into the beautiful flower it has become. Being in an inter-racial relationship for the first time in my life I have learned so much about her reality and about myself. She’s helped me grow in more ways then I thought was possible. To show her how thankful I was for all she has brought into my life I wanted her to see herself through my eyes. I bought a journal and wrote on every page what she means to me. Over the course of four months I wrote each day about a different quality that I admired. I wrote about her beauty, character, charm, intelligence, and the respect that I have for her.  I wrote about her quirky sense of humor, what I thought her theme song should be (“Wonderful One” by Marvelous Marvin Gaye) and the future we could share together. When it was finished, I gave it to her and she cried as she read it. She said it was one of the most thoughtful gifts she’d ever received. Since I’ve met Annette I have never been happier. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I cannot imagine my life without her. I do my best everyday to love, honor, cherish, and respect the woman that she is.

Just recently we completed a rim-to-rim hike of the Grand Canyon (almost 30 miles) and lo and behold my friend did an article on the hike with our picture together on the front page of the local paper!

I hope that others can learn something from my story. Love is about character and compatibility. It’s about the joy each of you can bring into each others lives.  It’s about the synergy where two people are greater together than they are separate.  It is about the future that you want for yourself.  It is about the goals you have in common, the sharing, and the desire to become a better person for the sake of another.   Happiness, I believe, comes in all colors. And this, by far, has been one of the greatest adventures of my life!

The post Jim’s Story: He Was Never Going to Be Her ‘IBM,’ But… appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/jims-story-never-going-ibm/feed/ 69
So…I Got Accosted In Cancun… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/got-accosted-cancun/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/got-accosted-cancun/#comments Fri, 14 Nov 2014 05:19:37 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34638 I just got back from THE BEST vacation I’ve ever had in Cancun on an all-expenses paid vacation The Hubster won from his job. Being an employee of a company who owns Pleasant Holidays definitely has it’s benefits. We spent an incredible five days on a beach resort where the sky and water was so […]

The post So…I Got Accosted In Cancun… appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
I just got back from THE BEST vacation I’ve ever had in Cancun on an all-expenses paid vacation The Hubster won from his job. Being an employee of a company who owns Pleasant Holidays definitely has it’s benefits. We spent an incredible five days on a beach resort where the sky and water was so blue it almost looked photoshopped.

IMG_3009

IMG_3030

 

We stayed at a Spanish-owned resort called Barcelo, and mere words can’t describe the beauty we were surrounded around. The food was incredible, and you haven’t truly lived until you can have plantains, sausage, bacon and Mexican coffee every morning. And I truly feel sorry for you if you’ve never experienced 24-hour bar service and mojitos at noon.

IMG_2999

IMG_3027

IMG_3033

IMG_3034

 

 

One thing that sucked big balls though was the wireless internet service that we paid $28 dollars for the privilege of sporadic service so horrible I was about to attach a hanger and foil as a makeshift antenna. Apparently there’s only one guy who runs the entire Mexican internet which has made him a billionaire with virtually no competition, thus no desire to improve. Many a customer (besides me) expressed outrage on having to pay for service that only worked twice on Tuesday while the customer relations just shrugged with a “whattaya gonna do, it’s Mexico?” look. One of the many times I had to go to the lobby for good reception, a handsome Latino resort worker in the tour department saw my frustration and sparked a friendly conversation about how I wanted to arrange the kidnapping of the wifi (non) service provider/kingpin. He encouraged me to give a written complaint, because the silly man thought that enough complaints would make a difference and spark a healthy fear of competition. Wait. There isn’t any.

IMG_3015

Since hope springs eternal, I followed Mr. Tour Director to his office to fill out a form. Conversation drifted to the reason why I had an epic crack-addict equivalent to my technology, and I mentioned in passing that I run a blog. He asked me what my name was so I told him because I thought it was related to my plight of no web service in paradise, and he was going to challenge the Kingpin of Crappy Internet Service to a duel at sunset. Nope. He was Googling me on his smart phone, which ironically, had excellent service. He says…”Beyond black…and white…hmmm…what’s that?”

IMG_3025

 Yes; those are my legs. Ha! My husband is between my legs. Get it?! HAHAHHA I crack myself up sometimes.

 

IMG_2989

I give him my three-minute elevator spiel about how the site is dedicated to black women in interracial relationships, and I notice one of his eyebrows creep up his forehead. I’m not wearing my wedding ring–it’s locked in the hotel safe because the humidity was causing a nasty finger rash. So not only does this man believe I’m not married, he thinks I’m about 25 years old. I suppose it was with that information that he thought it would be REALLY COOL to jump behind me, grab my elbows from behind so he could draw me close to his body so he could breath his Latino on me and kiss my ear. At that moment, I might as well have been 25 because I was frozen with shock that a man I’ve known for ten minutes would grab a customer by the back and attempt to seduce her. I ran out of there quick, fast in a hurry while he’s promising to be waiting here when I come back in 12 hours to do a rain dance and virgin offering in hopes the internet will work. I didn’t feel scared or threatened, just…sort of invaded. I wondered what I could have ever said to this man to believe I’d be okay with him being so sexually forward. We know Latino men, like black men, generally give you pretty clear cut indications that they want you. But you’re trying to grind after a ten minute convo about the internet kingpin who is complicit in financially raping  competition and free-market- loving Americans? Needless to say I had to keep The Hubster from making a scene that might have gotten us a one-way ride to the jungle with no cell phone service or…internet.

Beach

 

IMG_0053

 

The post So…I Got Accosted In Cancun… appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

]]>
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/got-accosted-cancun/feed/ 43