Beyond Black & White » Relationships http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Mon, 22 Dec 2014 07:26:55 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0.1 Leona’s Love Quest  OK, Cupid Tap Me Out: I’m Done with Online Dating http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/leonas-love-quest-ok-cupid-tap-im-done-online-dating/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/leonas-love-quest-ok-cupid-tap-im-done-online-dating/#comments Wed, 17 Dec 2014 18:02:14 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=35267 I know I’ve threatened to quit online dating before, but this time, for realsies, I’m done with it. I’ve tried Plenty of Fish, Match.com, Chemistry.com, InterracialMatch.com, Howaboutwe.com, and currently I’m on OKCupid. All of them have produced the same results: nada. I won’t argue that internet dating works great for some people. I’ve told you […]

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I know I’ve threatened to quit online dating before, but this time, for realsies, I’m done with it.

I’ve tried Plenty of Fish, Match.com, Chemistry.com, InterracialMatch.com, Howaboutwe.com, and currently I’m on OKCupid. All of them have produced the same results: nada. I won’t argue that internet dating works great for some people. I’ve told you how my single, black female friend from Baltimore found her white, Canadian husband on Chemstry.com in a matter of weeks. My last serious relationship was with someone I met on Yahoo Personals before Match.com bought them out. (Yeah, that’s how long it’s been.) So, kudos to love in the age of technology, all the same, I’m done with it.  I was going to quit about a month ago, but I accidentally let my OKCupid membership renew for another three months and there was no point in wasting the investment. I was in the middle of chatting with anyway, so I figured I’d give it one last shot.

Guy#1 lived in New Jersey. (Is it so wrong that I don’t want to date anyone in Jersey because I don’t want to pay the toll? It’s like paying a $5 date tax each time I cross the bridge.) He contacted me for the first time just before I left for my summer job around May. I had immediately discounted him as a possibility as soon as I read that he’d ideally like to have sex multiple times every single day. When I called him out on this proposal he conveyed that he was fine abstaining from sex if he had to but he had yet to find a sexual partner that satisfy his libido. I thought my sex drive was relatively high, or as high is it can be for someone who rarely has sex, but the logistics just boggled my mind. I mean didn’t this guy have shit to do?!!

He was persistent though and I have to admit that curiosity got the better of me. In August I agreed to meet him for a drink at a wine bar in Center City. Meeting an OKCupid date on a weekday after work is my modus operandi. It provides me the option to extend the date or cut out early depending on how the evening goes. If I’m bored or annoyed I’ll finish my drink and go home. If I’m having a great time, I’ll order some dinner, another glass of wine and keep on talking.

For some reason, although he finished work at 5:30, he can’t get to Philadelphia until 7:45. He arrives looking like a roadie from a 1980s Hair Band. I don’t remember why he seemed so interesting over email. He’s kind of a homebody, he doesn’t like to travel, (not even over the bridge to Philadelphia apparently) and doesn’t drink or enjoy a wide variety of foods. He makes a couple of fat jokes about Philadelphians that I don’t find very amusing. Who would have guessed this guy was a quasi-sex addict? No sexual magnetism there whatsoever.

Guy #2 was a nonstop complainer. We met for a coffee and a walk through the park with his dog. He complained that the weather was too warm, that his coffee wasn’t sweet enough, that all whoopie pies aren’t created equal, that people who stopped to pet his dog never actually talked to him, and that driving in the city on the weekend was a pain but public transportation was worse. During our entire date he never once removed his sunglasses. Not even when he got a parking ticket. The worst part is I’m sure he’s totally baffled why he’s still single.

Guy #3 was a man of Indian descent who lived in the DC area and came to Philly for work frequently. Not the ideal situation, but he looked almost as beautiful as Sendhil Ramamurthy and seemed pretty well put-together.  After a few exchanges, we decide to move off OKCupid and then exchanged emails every day for over a week. At the end of the week he wrote:

I am not sure this long distance thing is going to work out and I don’t want to waste your time either, I am not ready for committed relationship; let me know what you think.”

Seriously?  He’s bailing after just a few emails and before we even meet? Has it really gotten so bad out there that even consistent emailing has become too great of a commitment?

Guy #4, also of Indian descent, (must have been a trend that week) doesn’t make it past the email where he addresses me as “baby.” He has not made any indication that he wants to meet or talk on the phone in over two weeks. When I ask what’s up I get no reply.

Guy #5 apologizes in late November for not getting back to me about setting a date in October even though he first wrote to me in August.

Guy#6 is the worst type of offender. He contacts me first. We exchange a dozen messages in a matter of minutes. We both like ethnic foods, bourbon, and Florida beaches. He has a great since of humor. We plan to meet the following week in Chinatown. The last message I receive from him says, “by the way, you’re very beautiful,” and then . . . POOF! His profile is gone. No good-bye, no explanation, just gone without a trace.

I swear, at this rate I will never run out of material to write about.

In most cases, I only have myself to blame because I stopped vetting properly. I adapted the mindset that since online dating was by far the easiest way to assure at least a surface level mutual attraction. When I approach or try to flirt with men that I find attractive, they either act oblivious no matter how hard I try, or most likely I am simply off their radar. I got to the point whereas any good start was good enough. After all, I was finding a much better choice of men online than the ones that approached me in public. Now I only feel like I’m trapped between a rock and a hard place. The only way to change my mindset and convince myself there are an abundance of men I could meet offline that would find me attractive is to stop online dating for good. I’m still open to connecting through other forms of social media, like Meetups, forums and Facebook groups. Otherwise, all manner of websites designed specifically for the purpose of dating are out.

It seems apropos that my OKCupid membership ends on January 28th.  I started Leona’s Love Quest in February of 2012 and suspended it in February of 2014. I am anxious to see what happens for me in February 2015.

In other exciting news, Leona’s Love Quest now has its own Facebook Page! Now I can share up to the minute posts with you about my musings on love, dating and relationships. If you’re a fan of my writing please “Like” my page and share it with friends! If one of those people who have been thinking, “That Leona should really write a book,” you’ll be happy to know I started writing one last summer! There is a link on my Facebook page to the latest draft of my first chapter published on wattpad.com. Now, if I could only come up with a happy ending . . .

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QOTW: Geeky Guys Seeks Girl, but with Strings Attached. http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-geeky-guys-seeks-girl-strings-attached/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-geeky-guys-seeks-girl-strings-attached/#comments Wed, 17 Dec 2014 04:42:34 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=35263 The question… Hello Christelyn, I’m going to be straight forward, how do I grab the attention of a woman as a geeky introvert? By introverted I mean I just can’t go up to just any pretty face and try to make conversation, I need a reason to not I feel like I’m not wasting my […]

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The question…

Hello Christelyn,

I’m going to be straight forward, how do I grab the attention of a woman as a geeky introvert? By introverted I mean I just can’t go up to just any pretty face and try to make conversation, I need a reason to not I feel like I’m not wasting my time because it takes a lot for me to go up to woman and trying to make a connection. So, my first question how do I get a woman to want to get to know without making the first move.
On top of that I’ve been told that my mindset about dating until a serious relationship happen drives a woman away, for example, when I do work up strength to ask her out on a date how do I get her to be okay with going dutch, the majority of the woman seem to want me to pay for everything but none seem to understand there isn’t a relationship established yet and I don’t want to be a free meal ticket for them? I also want to clarify that these are past first dates that happened that never had a second date or never happened because I wanted to go dutch.
Also, in one article and/or video you mentioned that 72% of black woman have a child out of wedlock, I’ve never dated a woman with child before and the subject is completely alien to me. I’m not going to lie it scares me, I’m almost 25 and i’m only being my career, on top of that i’m not fully sure the kid will respect me until he is older and doesn’t have to deal with me ( this is coming from bias experience). So, I’ve always been curious am I over thinking it and I you mentioned that you had children when you met your husband, what were his thoughts on it? Did he not care  or was he cautious when dating you and did he have concerns like me? Also, when dating your husband what did you expect from him when meeting or dealing with you and your children?
Finally, I enjoy your videos and I find them interesting.
Here’s my take…

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Christine and Masa – East Meets West http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/christine-masa-east-meets-west/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/christine-masa-east-meets-west/#comments Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:42:02 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=35165  Masa and Christine Nishiguchi This is another online dating success story.  Chris and Masa met in February 2013 on Match.com.  Chris was looking for and found a guy who met all her criteria.  She was looking for a quality, marriage minded Asian man who wanted a family.  Masa on the other hand was not having […]

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 Masa and Christine Nishiguchi

This is another online dating success story.  Chris and Masa met in February 2013 on Match.com.  Chris was looking for and found a guy who met all her criteria.  She was looking for a quality, marriage minded Asian man who wanted a family.  Masa on the other hand was not having so much luck and was about ready to close down his account when he got Chris’ email.  From Chris’ profile, she was too good to be true and Masa was intrigued.  He responded to Chris and they hit it off.  Masa was smitten and after a few phone calls they met.  Masa was everything Chris wanted and Chris was the answer to Masa’s prayers.

After their first dates the newly in love couple became inseparable.  By early May, Masa presented Chris with a beautiful diamond ring and she presented him with a date.  Since Masa is from Japan and that is where his family lives, he and Chris told his family the big news by Skype.  Masa’s mother cried, not out of disgust or shame, but happy tears.  But because of illness, she was sad because she could not attend her son’s wedding to the love of his life.  Masa’s family loves Chris and will get to meet her in 2015 when Masa takes her to Japan for a visit.  Chris can hardly wait.

In late May 2013, Chris and Masa were married in a simple ceremony with her family and a few of their friends.  They had a quick honey moon weekend in Canada came back and returned to work.  They are planning their family and future.  Proof again, that when two, well vetted and committed people are on the same page, there is no need for a long and drawn out courtship.  Wishing this happy couple a wonderful future together.

Christine and Masa 2

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Television is STILL Not Ready to Make Black Women ‘The Main Chick’ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/television-still-not-ready-make-black-women-main-chick/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/television-still-not-ready-make-black-women-main-chick/#comments Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:18:38 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=35187 If you’ve been around for a while, you might know that I watch soap operas. Not just casually either–my DVR is set to Bold and the Beautiful. It’s a thoroughly horrible show, but of recycled story lines and romantic pairing that lasts about three episodes. So I wasn’t holding out much hope that a love affair […]

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If you’ve been around for a while, you might know that I watch soap operas. Not just casually either–my DVR is set to Bold and the Beautiful. It’s a thoroughly horrible show, but of recycled story lines and romantic pairing that lasts about three episodes.

So I wasn’t holding out much hope that a love affair between a handsome, white and wealthy fashion mogul and a black girl with a prison record and from the wrong side of that tracks began to develop. “Rick and Maya,” the unlikely love story was thwarted by rich, blond and classist Caroline was an exercise in train wreck viewing.

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Rick and Maya

Caroline, who also comes from a rich family, snubbed her nose at Maya, and straight up told that that she was just an experiment and that their bond was nothing more than a white man of stature sowing his wild oats prior to making a commitment to a pretty, blond “Becky.” Which in this case, was Caroline. Because once Rick and Maya broke up, Caroline stood front and center to graciously accept her role as the trophy. Never mind she worked real dirty behind the scenes to sabotage his relationship with a black girl she was convinced was beneath him. In real life, it’s pretty typical that pretty white women look at BW/WM pairings as slumming. “Why be with her when you can have meeeee?” White women have been elevated to goddess status to pretty much all men…right? Well…notsomuch anymore.

Black women and white men are experiencing spoiled-brat, entitled behaviors from the opposite gender. Both white men and black women are forging alliances that are long-lasting and fruitful. Marriage between a black woman and a white man has a lower chance of divorce that even WM/WM marriages.

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Rick and on-camera wife, Caroline

So then, why is Hollywood still committed to pigeonholing antiquated stereotypes that black women are Jezebels/Mammys/Sapphires? I mean, these pairing ARE HAPPENING offline, so why the hesitancy to reflect cultural changes that are occurring in real life?

So after conniving Caroline schemed and plotted to get married to Rick, Maya, sidelined, began to be envious of the status and respect that comes with being “Mrs. Forrester.” So a few months into the marriage, Maya began to do her own scheming, and exposed a secret Caroline had that left her husband unable to forgive her and drive him back into the African America character, Maya.

Maya is ecstatic about winning her man back, and Rick delights in flaunting his new bed buddy in front of a jealous Caroline (they all work at the same fashion house in which Rick serves as CEO). But the patriarch of the company, who ultimately calls the shots, is disturbed by his son’s abandonment of his pretty white wife, whom he openly says is better suited for a man of his stature.  He goes so far as to demand that unless his son reunite with his more “suitable and acceptable” mate or face a de-throwing as CEO. Rick agrees outwardly but tells Maya his just doing it for show and he really wants to be with her but his big bad daddy won’t let him. Sounds eerily similar to IRL…

Maya isn’t happy about the charade, but goes along. You know, because us black chicks are happy tap dancing fools for any old half a man, regardless of race, amiright?  Rick tells her to be patient, that he’s only faking the reunion with his wife to save his career. Hold on, black women! Don’t give up on us yeeeetttt!!!

But what really took the cake today was Rick presenting his side hoe with a fancy apartment, in which will serve as Mistress Headquarters.

I mean, REALLY? In (nearly) 2015, folks are still hung up on seeing BW/WM in HEALTHY interracial relationships? I mean, as much as I know how some of you like Scandal, the Olivia Pope character mirrors the Maya character on Bold and the Beautiful. In both cases, the black women in relationships with rich and powerful men are presenting a dangerous cliche: The white man with lay up with you, but he won’t marry you. You can be the side chick, but never the main chick. That’s reserved for “Becky.”

Of course we know this is simply not what’s happening offline, where there’s hundreds of thousands of black women being the main Missus to white men, Hollywood is still clinging to the same old stereotypical tropes. We can keep kidding ourselves that both these characters are motivated by star-crossed love of powerful white men, but it’s just a dressed up version of a very old story. In what crazy world can homosexual pairings and public affection is being promoted and celebrated in Hollywood, but black women with white men are still begging for scraps?

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QOTW: Should White Guys Date ‘Sister Soldiers?’ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-white-guys-date-sister-soldiers/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-white-guys-date-sister-soldiers/#comments Fri, 12 Dec 2014 04:38:07 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=35149 The question… Getting to know a nice African American woman.  She is terrific – she graduated with honors from an elite liberal arts college in the Midwest – and has a law degree from an elite historically black college and university.  She not only is educated, this lady is driven – she is the sole […]

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The question…

Getting to know a nice African American woman.  She is terrific – she graduated with honors from an elite liberal arts college in the Midwest – and has a law degree from an elite historically black college and university.  She not only is educated, this lady is driven – she is the sole proprietor of a law firm in Washington, DC – and she does ever well professionally and financially.  She’s also very attractive – believes in giving back to her community – and is reverent towards God.

Part of her law practice deals with civil rights – and she’s a damn good civil rights attorney.  Sometimes I see her profession trail into our conversations (which is cool – because we all like to talk about our profession).  It seems, though, based on current events (the multiple shootings by police), many of our conversations trail back to race/ethnicity/nationality – which would be natural based on her profession.

I’d like some advice on how to deal with some of the sensitive race conversations.  Here is an example:

She recently told me that one of her childhood friends (in an interracial marriage), who was physically abused by her husband – and she said that if a white man did that to her, she’d really go after him (maybe more so than a black man).  I’m cognizant of our nation’s past in that the white folk in our country enslaved black folk – at the same time, I think it’s horrible that a person of any race physically abuses another.  Talk to me about how to approach a scenario like this.

I think this is a woman has put her career on hold – like me – and I think we are a great match – we are similar educationally, professionally, values, etc.  And I’m going to continue to pursuing this woman ;-)  But talk how to handle some of these race relations conversations that come up.

Thank you ;-)
Here’s my take…

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Another Letter From an Asian Guy… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/another-letter-asian-guy/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/another-letter-asian-guy/#comments Thu, 11 Dec 2014 18:13:15 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=35127 Got this letter today, and it warmed my heart. Be encouraged! I enjoy reading your site. |I saw your last article on potentially throwing in the towel on Asian men. Well, I am here to ask all black  women, please don’t. I am an south Indian male, born in |India but brought up in the […]

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Got this letter today, and it warmed my heart. Be encouraged!
I enjoy reading your site. |I saw your last article on potentially throwing in the towel on Asian men. Well, I am here to ask all black  women, please don’t.
I am an south Indian male, born in |India but brought up in the West Indies since I was 6months.  I am very proud of my south indian heritage, ,the language,music, ,that will never change ,and yes if we are going to generalize here, Iam extremely close to my parents.
But the fact that I was brought up in the Caribbean means my south indian dna has mutated. I grew in in an environment where 90% of the population are black. I was one of the only four non black people in school. The best times of my life, I was never abused,

I had the best childhood. |I guess it was natural that |I would gravitate to black women. There are still many indian men out there, who want to meet an and settle down with an intelligent, strong willed and sexy black woman for life. Maybe for some of us we are a product of our environment.
Ladies don’t give up on us yet. We are here to stay. and we just want to make you happy and see the that 600  megawatt smile.
Blessings- proud indian/west-indian
Blasian Love

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