Beyond Black & White » Relationships http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Wed, 22 Oct 2014 11:06:39 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0 On Vetting: How Men Run Game By Telling the Truth! http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/vetting-men-run-game-telling-truth/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/vetting-men-run-game-telling-truth/#comments Mon, 20 Oct 2014 05:07:26 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34041 So why do they do this? Basically to have guilt-free sex, says my buddy, Jordan Harbinger, co-founder of The Art of Charm. “Men make up their minds pretty quickly about what kind of relationship he wants in a girl. Guys do it subconsciously. We say, this girl is kind of hot and kinda slutty, but […]

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So why do they do this? Basically to have guilt-free sex, says my buddy, Jordan Harbinger, co-founder of The Art of Charm. “Men make up their minds pretty quickly about what kind of relationship he wants in a girl. Guys do it subconsciously. We say, this girl is kind of hot and kinda slutty, but I’m not thinking that she’s the kind of girl I ultimately deserve.”

 

Common phrases “truth-telling-gamers” use…

I’m not looking for a relationship, but if I were, she’s be someone like you. (Special emphasis on “like”)

You’re so sweet. I’m such a jerk about not being ready for all this love!

Why are you wasting your time being so amazing to me, when you could be out there getting any guy you want?

No matter how sweetly he says it, it all translates to one thing: HE’S NOT INTO YOU.

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Young Girl Needs Our Guidance: 15 Year-Old-Girl, Only Interested in Men 26-50. http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/young-girl-needs-guidance-15-year-old-girl-interested-men-26-50/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/young-girl-needs-guidance-15-year-old-girl-interested-men-26-50/#comments Thu, 16 Oct 2014 21:13:51 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34020 Got this note from a girl last night… Hi Christelyn, My name is “Sammy” (not her real name). I recently subscribed to your channel. Im a 15 yr old black female. I do consider myself very bright and outgoing. I take challenging ap and dual enrollment classes. I mostly take interest older white men.(typically 26-50) […]

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Got this note from a girl last night…

Hi Christelyn, My name is “Sammy” (not her real name). I recently subscribed to your channel. Im a 15 yr old black female. I do consider myself very bright and outgoing. I take challenging ap and dual enrollment classes. I mostly take interest older white men.(typically 26-50) Yes MEN. Not that I dont like boys my age, I just have a strong attraction towards older men. Instead of gazing at the boys, im drooling over the teachers. I do have a father in my life, although growing up, Its been more than clear that my mother has done most of the work in our lives. Buying clothes, paying bills, and food. We never really had a typical father daughter relationship depicted in tv land. Our relationship is just there. I do seem to like boys my age but they dont seem interested it black girls, they seem to just make a mockery of us and our culture. (Using culture in the context of a way of living.) So just seeing all of that, Ive become numb to dating or liking guys my age and have sticked to lusting over older men. Is there something wrong with this? Please get back to me.

Portrait  of happy youngs african american teenage girl

This letter is disturbing to me on several levels, Sammy. I have a daughter who is almost 17 years-old, and while she is mature and poised for her age, I would never accept her seeing a grown man in his twenties, let alone his fifties! He’d be under the jail if he was still drawing breath. Listen honey, I know you probably think you’re an “old soul” and seem to be more attracted and can relate to older men, but that’s a false reality in which I’ll explain in a moment.

At 15, you’ve just begun your path to adulthood. You’re still in puberty and your brain is not fully developed. You are not yet a fully actualized person that knows the world or has experienced many events that a man of 26+ has already done. What is more, any quality man from 26-50 will never touch you. It could mean jail time, a wrap sheet as a sex offender, and a loss of livelihood. I would go so far to say that any older man interested in you with full knowledge of your age will be a danger to you.

Now is the time for me to shrink your head. You mention that your father is around, but is very disconnected from you–almost as if he’s not there at all. I suspect your desire for older men is your mind’s way of reconciling and healing your hurt over your father not being fully plugged into your life.

Now when you’re of age (over 18) you can legally date any man in the age range you prefer, but even then, chances are the a man who seeks out a girl a decade or more younger than her in the crucial early years of adulthood may have problems relating to women his own age, because of some deficit in his character or maturity level.

You also need to get some healing. Your heart is hungry of the warm and love of a father, and many girls in your situation are willing to swap a sexual relationship with a man to achieve that end, even for a fleeting moment. It’s very important that you talk to someone in your circle you can trust. Doesn’t have to be your mom, but perhaps a trusted adult, like a teacher, aunt, or family friend. Whatever you do, don’t keep this to yourself. But I don’t want you to be in the position for being attacked for your feelings. You are completely innocent, and just trying to figure this life thing out.

Be well, and know this community is concerned about you.

Sincerely,

Chris

—–

Okay, so I’m opening up the gates to the wise men and women of BB&W. Any advice for this young girl?

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QOTW: “Why Are Black Women So Hesitant to Date and Marry Non-Black Men?” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-black-women-hesitant-date-marry-non-black-men/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-black-women-hesitant-date-marry-non-black-men/#comments Wed, 15 Oct 2014 04:14:41 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=33977 The Question: ” Christelyn Karazin, I seriously think you should do a segment on why black women until recently where so hesitant to date and marry non-black men. I think this would get the message out there that black women are open to IRR and marriages and it would also give the white men and […]

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The Question: ”
Christelyn Karazin, I seriously think you should do a segment on why black women until recently where so hesitant to date and marry non-black men. I think this would get the message out there that black women are open to IRR and marriages and it would also give the white men and other non-black men a better understanding of why there has been this extreme loyalty among black women to black men regardless of the situation. There are still way too many white men who don’t think that black women are an option for them when it comes to dating and romance, all due to the NBABM (Nothing But a Black Man) stigma.”

He asked, I answered…

interracial couple

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Answering My Own Question: YES; Asian Men ARE a Thing…a VERY GOOD Thing… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/answering-question-yes-asian-men-thing-good-thing/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/answering-question-yes-asian-men-thing-good-thing/#comments Tue, 14 Oct 2014 17:26:54 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=33924 OMG…I have to just say that I am so grateful that my work allows me to meet people from so many walks of life. Because I’ve got to be honest..they Asian men I’ve met online are some of the most charming, down-to-earth, funny, and sexy men ever! I’m like, “Damn! Where were ya’ll when I […]

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OMG…I have to just say that I am so grateful that my work allows me to meet people from so many walks of life. Because I’ve got to be honest..they Asian men I’ve met online are some of the most charming, down-to-earth, funny, and sexy men ever! I’m like, “Damn! Where were ya’ll when I was single?!”

We had a great conversation last Friday, featuring several panelists discussing the up and downs, highs and lows of dating Asian men, and it was a ball. Everyone had a lot to say–some more than others lol–but I think you all can really get something out of the conversation. Melodic Mic is hot as hell. Whew!

When I did a cattle call to reach out to various Asian men to weigh in on the topic of interracial dating and black women, I was pleasantly surprised that my inbox overflowed with men, YES MEN, who wanted YOU know know what was on their minds. I got to chat we a few, and one of them is Daniel, a 28-year-old operations manager at HBO, first generation Chinese American, 6’3. Yes…six foot three. He was so charming and full of masculine energy…he had no problem telling me that “If you were in New York, we’d be dating.” Of course we wouldn’t…you know…cuz I’m married with four kids and all (he didn’t know that) but I was massively impressed with his self-assurance. Here’s what he wrote me in his initial email: “Just wanted to share some thoughts. Asian men have faced many difficulties in terms of being labeled as Asexual. Listen, Stereotyping never flies with me. I’m very diverse and I date any women who is attractive inside and out. If dating someone like me isn’t a trend. I’d probably make it a mission to date Asian men a trend.”

That’s so damn sexy, is it not, ladies? Oh; and Daniel told me to tell you beautiful ladies that he’s available. ;-) I’m not going to blast his email on this blog, because doing so is tantamount to writing it in a bathroom stall, but if you’re interested, email me at christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com. Note: Daniel resides in New York City.

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Then I also spoke with a “blasian” man who is Korean and black, in a relationship with a Jamaican girl. Here’s what he told me about him and his boo:

We first spoke on facebook. We had a couple mutual friends on facebook and she saw me comment on someones status and added me. What i found most attractive about her at first from her pictures was the fact that she was really cute, she had an adorable smile, didn’t wear a lot of makeup, and she kept het hair natural. After speaking with her for a couple weeks i fell for her cause of how smart, simple, and down to earth she was. She was completely unlike any girl I’ve ever seen or spoken to. I am Asian mixed with black; however the majority of my family is Asian. The mix of black came from my grandmother. She was the first black person to be introduced to the family. My parents are really cool with my girlfriend. Since they’ve met her they’ve been hospitable and kind to her. Even though they’ve been so cool with us dating my mother asks if I’m sure she’s right for me. Before my girlfriend my mother would tell me she’d like if i dated this Asian friend of mine. My friends don’t have a problem with her either they just find it crazy because she still lives in Jamaica and I live here in Miami

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So yes; dating Asian men IS a good option, but move forward with a little common sense.

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Steve Harvey Has a New Dating Websites Aimed at ‘Teaching Women to be more DATEABLE’ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/steve-harvey-new-dating-websites-aimed-teaching-women-dateable/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/steve-harvey-new-dating-websites-aimed-teaching-women-dateable/#comments Tue, 14 Oct 2014 16:35:42 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=33913 Steve Harvey, comedian and talk show pulpit extraordinaire is launching a dating website aimed at those looking for love in all the wrong places. And since he’s a professional husband (married three times) and now in the business of fixing lives (hence his mentoring program for black boys now in partnership with Paula Dean) Mr. […]

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Steve Harvey, comedian and talk show pulpit extraordinaire is launching a dating website aimed at those looking for love in all the wrong places. And since he’s a professional husband (married three times) and now in the business of fixing lives (hence his mentoring program for black boys now in partnership with Paula Dean) Mr. Harvey doesn’t want to leave out the ladies when it comes to bettering lives and creating strong family structures.

Let’s not even pretend we don’t know who his demographic is.

He’s been on the chitterlings circuit of entertainment for years now and his fan base consists of southern and mid-western types. I’m not saying that these folks aren’t exceptional human beings but I will say their more ‘traditional’ views of life and pursuit of happiness may make them prime ripe for picking if the stereotypes and tropes fall into ‘bend yourself into a pretzel’ for da love of a man’ let me show you the way!

Internet dating is great for people interested in going on a lot of dates — which means, says Harvey, that it’s great for men. “The one thing I know about women is women don’t really want to just date,” he says. “They want to date with the hope that it leads to a relationship.”

Men are more interested in playing the field, he believes. “A man doesn’t have any problem at all dating several or a wide variety of people until he finds the right one,” he says. But women, as a rule, don’t want to do that, and the reason is scientific: “A lot of women have that biological clock that ticks in them.”

These hypotheses are not, it must be acknowledged, terribly original ones. Yet any woman who buys into them is bound to be disappointed by the online dating offerings out there — which is why Harvey is launching his own dating site. Called Delightful, it’s a joint venture with IAC, the company that owns Match.com, OkCupid, Tinder and a slew of niche-oriented matchmaking services. In addition to providing the animating philosophy, Harvey will supply articles and videos for subscribers hoping to “find love and keep it,” as the tagline has it.

Delightful grew out of a preexisting relationship Harvey had with IAC, as a spokesman for its site BlackPeopleMeet. Looking to negotiate a new personal service agreement with the company, he met with Match CEO Sam Yagan. “As I heard him talk about relationships, he had a real passion around love and how to develop love after the first date,” Yagan recalls.

Someone, somewhere turned this man into a relationship expert so of course he’ll need to appeal to his fan base by reminding them that their inability to find a man is THEIR own fault.

Wait for it………….

Women, he says, are apt to wax poetic about finding a soulmate but undermine themselves by being too picky in the parameters they use to screen candidates. “Your soulmate, the man of your dreams, may not live an hour away,” he says.

Men, meanwhile, need tutoring in the fine points of chivalry, like always walking in between one’s date and the street to protect her from traffic. “It’s sad to say, but the divorce rate in this country is so high, there are a lot of young men out there, quality men, who’ve never been told, ‘Hey man, this is the proper way to treat a lady,’” he says. [Source]

Now all this time, here I have been requiring men to earn a certain income, and to be forthright with their feelings and intentions. I’m over here having involved conversations and cultivating the proper chemistry with my lovers and all I needed for him to do for me was to make sure I don’t get hit by a runaway vehicle  (or garbage…it’s hard to tell with these outdated chivalrous gestures since they actually don’t mean SQUAT in everyday living) but Steve Harvey has all the advice and social ques you need in life.

I’m not gonna pretend like I don’t realize these people will sell women anything they are willing to buy. And with Black women having more earning power and coins to spare than Black men, I can already see how this venture will be exceptionally lucrative.

By convincing women who are already feeling insecure and desperate that there is something THEY can do, be, or look like in order to be more acceptable for men only appeals to those women who are comfortable blaming themselves for the lack of enthusiasm shown by their male counterparts. Its too early to say whether Harvey’s advice will actually be useful or balanced, but I can promise you it won’t be free.

With the work done here and Beyond Black and White and other platforms that support and promote strong families, it will only be a matter of time before even the most lowly hustler on the corner stops slinging rocks and starts delivering male order grooms right to your door.

Oh, wait…………

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He Said, She Said…A Discussion About Street Harassment with Dual Perspectives http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/said-said-discussion-street-harassment-dual-perspectives/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/said-said-discussion-street-harassment-dual-perspectives/#comments Mon, 13 Oct 2014 04:45:23 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=33888 Editorial by: Howard Tyrone Smith II Video: Christelyn Karazin HE SAID… The murder of Mary “Unique” Spears and countless other women that have died at the hands of men who were angered by their rejection speaks to a greater issue within the black community. I of course speaking am of the horrible way we as black […]

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Editorial by: Howard Tyrone Smith II
HE SAID…
The murder of Mary “Unique” Spears and countless other women that have died at the hands of men who were angered by their rejection speaks to a greater issue within the black community. 

I of course speaking am of the horrible way we as black people socialize our young men. The whole practice of “putting boys on game” and giving ingraining them with atrocious senses of entitlement towards women’s bodies as a whole.

I get that as men, particularly black men, we do not like to see our sons go into the world uneducated on its pitfalls. But of all the things I’ve seen done that scares me is this constant practice of teaching men about interactions with women from what seems like a contentious standpoint.

One thing my father and I bonded over growing up was the confusion and sometimes frustration of being raised in an essentially all female household. But the thing I never understand is this epidemic of young boys being taught by older generations the ideas of being a “pimp” or a “player”.

This philosophy, as glamorous as it sounds, is anything but. If I had to say how this negatively affects the black community, I’d say look around at every black man or woman that was raised without a father.

Moreover, look at the women who in some cases find that their kids share classes and schools with their half siblings due to the child’s fathers Philandering ways. look at how it makes men view and treat black women as “hoes” and “THOTs” that are always plotting on them to trap them with a child THEY made.

And where does this come from? I believe it stems from a distorted idea of masculinity that exists well beyond the black community. In mainstream American culture, it’s hyper-masculinity that causes things like men being praised for and encouraged to have a long list of sexual partners. 

In black culture, such things carry over in the worst ways. Black women report rapes less than their white counterparts due not only to the stigma of being blamed for said rape but also dealing with the guilt of being known as a black woman that caused another black man to be sent to prison. Incidents such as #Istandwithjada and the backlash it received shows black women are further damned by an equally damning indoctrination of black men into what almost seems like institutionalized sexism.

In this practice, black men are taught that being a man means that, in terms of interaction with women, they should be in complete dominance. That they should hold no emotional attachment to women whatsoever. This idea of masculinity, along with the label of being called a “simp” or a “punk”, does not create real men. Instead, it creates what can only be described as sexual sociopaths. And thus begins a vicious cycle that remains in our community to this day.

Now, when I say we should stop this practice, I do NOT mean we should raise our sons with a sense of shame attached to their existence as men. We do that with women, and that needs to not be done as well. What should be taught is the idea that women are their contemporaries. That a black woman in terms of opinion and skill set stands to bring as much to the table as any man.

But still, we keep teaching our sons that the idea of being a Casanova is something to be desired. I’m not saying we should teach our sons to marry the first girl they fall in love with (I almost made that mistake). I’m saying they should not see every girl as a sexual conquest. That as a man, you shouldn’t feel comfortable talking with your buddies about your sex life like hunters in a bar talking about the big game the bagged in the field.

This injurious practice of teaching our sons to “play the field” and “sow their wild oats” is something I never understood. Mostly because I was never taught such a practice. I have confidence issues when it comes to talking to women, but that stems mostly from self-doubt. But as for the issue of interacting with women, I will say this: I’ve made mistakes and gone against everything I’m arguing for right now. But you know what? I’ve learned from my mistakes.

And for those of you reading this who is calling me a “Simp”, a “Pussy” or saying that I’ll never get women with this kind of philosophy, I want you to think about something as you state that fact: You are saying that I, Myself, will not have luck with women because I consider them my equals in terms of social and professional interaction. 

If that is what you are honestly saying, I want you to think about this as well: These hypothetical women you speak of will not be attracted to someone that treats them as human. Not as a sexual conquest. Not as an equal. Not as independently thinking.

Now, I want you to think about what that says about you as a man: you, yourself, would rather accept a woman who exists as nothing more than a pretty face and a warm place to rest you Member in times of arousal. You have no aspirations for a Relationship beyond physical. 

Now I want to pitch another point to you: you know that friend of yours? The one who has the kind of sexual conquests that only happen to Barney Stinson? The guy who claims to live an awesome life of no strings attached sex with women you only see in King magazine? 
Yeah, that guy? He’s lying to you. ALL of you. There are many things he could be trying to hide from all of you by doing such things, but I’ll just point this out: the guy is clearly mentally unsound. He’s insecure, so he goes from woman to woman to prove to the world that he’s sexually verse. He tells you and your friends about a sex life you can only dream of.

And yet, you indulge him. You and your friends invite him to your weddings and watch as he makes his way through the bride’s maids and the like. You say nothing when his relationship status always reads “It’s Complicated” at best when he meets a woman. yet you wonder why that guy when he hits his 40s and can’t score with the ladies like he used to be buying Hookers along with Cocaine and the Viagra to counter one of its unfortunate side-effects.

If you, yourself can have simple, sex-only relationships with women and they agree to it, then fine. But all I ask of you is to stop acting like it makes you a man. I’m 23; I’m not even all the way there in that area. But I’m pretty sure that part of it is not and should not be exploiting women for sex in any form or fashion.

I don’t care what player or pimp taught you about how to treat women. You really need to take into account that that guy was a EFFING PIMP! This is a guy that forces women to sell their bodies for money that HE KEEPS! If this man were in a movie today as opposed to the 70s when such professions were glamorized, this man would rightfully have his neck snapped by Liam Neeson. 

So, in short, I just want to say we should teach our sons, brothers, nephews, and grandsons that being a man is not being the man. It’s being able to have the knowledge and skills to provide for himself or his family. And we also need to teach our daughters to not only NOT accept such behaviors from men, but to definitely not encourage or indulge it. That includes associating with anyone that does.

And we also need to teach our daughters to not only NOT accept such behaviors from men, but to definitely not encourage or indulge it. That includes associating with anyone that does.Yes, your children will be labeled every insult I’ve stated thus far, along with “uppity” and “bougie.” But at the end of the day, do you want to have your children be accepted amongst the crowd that thinks such behaviors are not only normal but right?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.
SHE SAID…

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