Beyond Black & White » Gender Conflict http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Wed, 22 Apr 2015 01:11:55 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.1.2 QOTW: IR Dating Black Woman Hates Seeing Black Men Do It Too http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-ir-dating-black-woman-hates-seeking-black-men-do-it-too/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-ir-dating-black-woman-hates-seeking-black-men-do-it-too/#comments Fri, 17 Apr 2015 14:51:44 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=36891 The question: I just recently signed up for your email subscription. I get so excited when an email pops up from you. I enjoy reading the questions and articles you share. I recently started dating a white man and I really like him a lot. He treats me wonderfully. Always holds my hand in public, […]

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The question:

I just recently signed up for your email subscription. I get so excited when an email pops up from you. I enjoy reading the questions and articles you share. I recently started dating a white man and I really like him a lot. He treats me wonderfully. Always holds my hand in public, takes me out regularly and just really treats me like his queen. I like that he’s proud that I’m his woman. I feel we’re constantly being stared at though. He said he doesn’t care what others think and to let them just stare. I just turned 40. Was married to a black man for 17 years with 2 kids. Been single 2 years. Met my new guy online (okCupid).  So that’s my background. Here is my issue. I was talking to my girlfriend yesterday and told her that even though I’m dating a white guy and proud of it, I still feel a certain way when I see black men with white women. I love seeing black women with non-white men but don’t feel the same way when it’s the other way around. I was wondering if anyone else feels that way and why is it that I have this double standard. I would love to hear other views on my issue. I’m sure I will get ridiculed. I know it’s wrong but just being honest in how I feel.

Here’s my take…

 

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What Black Men Think of Natural Hair : “The Ish Don’t Move…” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/what-black-men-think-of-natural-hair-the-ish-dont-move/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/what-black-men-think-of-natural-hair-the-ish-dont-move/#comments Fri, 10 Apr 2015 23:29:14 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=36799 Despite what many people think, I have a few friends who are black men. Most of them are successful and married to white women (haha it’s the truth). I was having a conversation with one of them today, and he was teasing me about my hair. As you know, I’m an unapologetic naturalista. He told […]

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Despite what many people think, I have a few friends who are black men. Most of them are successful and married to white women (haha it’s the truth).

I was having a conversation with one of them today, and he was teasing me about my hair. As you know, I’m an unapologetic naturalista. He told me that, while it was cute, unless a man is from the heart of Africa, he’s not really feeling the “nappy” look. “That ish don’t move!” he said.

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When he said that, I paused…looked at him and assessed. This man is the tall, dark, and handsome “IBM” type that black women swooned over (and probably still do) who took all his success and riches and built a life with a white woman, which is okay…no problem with that from me. But his critique about a thing that phenotypically bonded us came as such a shock, because he’s what you’d call very “conscious.” He’s studied ancient Egyptian and African history, and he’s always teasing me that “I’m so white,” because I don’t know all the “black stuff” he does.

But what hurt was that I’m looking at this man, who is basically my reflection in male form, tell me that the hair that grows from my head isn’t attractive to men like him, and let him tell it, MOST men, regardless of the race, aren’t feeling the hair that “don’t move.” He even implied that my husband probably would like my hair straight, too. PFFFFT! 

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Then I thought about all the black women still doing cartwheels, wearing weaves, burning their scalps with relaxers, ironing their hair in order to feel attractive to men like my friend, and I felt so sad for them. Why do they do all this? TO PLEASE THE MEN!!! Don’t think for one second that a “nothing-but-a-black-man-for-me” woman knew that a wash-and-go would have the men she sought chasing her down the street, Korean beauty supplies everywhere would declare bankruptcy in all of a week. What an incredible rejection…to know a man you desire wouldn’t be checking for you because you wear your hair how it grows naturally from your hair, because THAT SHIT DON’T MOVE LIKE A WHITE GIRL’S DOES.

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It’s truly heartbreaking. I have never felt as much rejection in my entire life than I have had from the men who look just like me. Many of our men truly do hate their feminine reflection, which is why in part our community as a whole is suffering. What’s the saying? You know the strength of a nation by the way the men treat their women? Yeah…

Ladies I’m going to tell you something. PHUCK THEM!! If a man insists that the hair that looks JUST LIKE HIS isn’t mutilated and straightened into submission, PHUCK THEM!!! When I told my friend of all the letters from non-black men who think I’m the most gorgeous thing they’ve ever seen, naps, kinks and all he didn’t believe me!

Black men, I don’t hate you. But it’s heartbreaking to know you hate me as I am, your reflection. It’s ironic that the very men you resent (white men especially) love my hair more than you do. And that’s why eventually, you will stay losing, because your best and most beautiful black women will go where they are TRULY loved and accepted.

Sisters, it’s time we let men who think like this, who will NEVER accept us because they’ve been to brainwashed into thinking that their OWN WOMEN are inferior GO. Just let them go. Don’t try to convince them. Don’t try to guilt them into thinking differently, because they won’t. The damage has been done.

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Go to the men who accept your NATURAL SELF, period.

And you know what? I thank God in heaven my friend married a white girl before I really got “conscious” of my own unique beauty, otherwise I would have been on that hamster wheel too.

GET OFF THE WHEEL!!!!

Oh…and my hair MOVES!!! #Bouce

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Yes; Black Men Get Hate For Dating Interracially, Too. But Here’s the Difference. http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/yes-black-men-get-hate-for-dating-interracially-too-but-heres-the-difference/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/yes-black-men-get-hate-for-dating-interracially-too-but-heres-the-difference/#comments Wed, 08 Apr 2015 18:28:40 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=36754 I’ve recently been following two stories on Madame Noire regarding black men and their dating choices. The first was a piece about a self-proclaimed “dark skin activist” calling out Kendrick Lamar for having an extremely fair skinned fiancé.   The other story was about Romeo Miller whining on a talk show about all the hate mail […]

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I’ve recently been following two stories on Madame Noire regarding black men and their dating choices. The first was a piece about a self-proclaimed “dark skin activist” calling out Kendrick Lamar for having an extremely fair skinned fiancé.

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The other story was about Romeo Miller whining on a talk show about all the hate mail he’s received for having a white girlfriend.

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“It’s crazy to think that in 2015, when I start posting pictures of me and my girl–obviously I’m black, she’s white. I didn’t think that would be a problem. A lot of hate mail and hate comments was on there. They’re like, ‘Why are you with this girl?’ ‘She’s only with you because of this.’ It’s sad because honestly if anybody knows me, all the girls I’ve dated, I’ve dated girls who’ve been as black as Akon and white as Casper. It don’t matter. It’s all about the heart. In this time and place, she’s the one who captured my heart. She could be blue, green or yellow and it would have been her.” [SOURCE]

So here’s two very public examples of black men getting flack for dating light skinned women and non-black women. There’s no denying it. Black women also get the pushback when we date interracially, so isn’t it even?

Not even a little.

There are four key differences between black men getting criticism of their dating choices rather than the other way around.

Reason #1: Black men don’t give a shit. Patriarchy allows for men to date and marry anyone they want. Despite all the complaining, guilting, lip smacking and neck rolling, a black man will ultimately and unapologetically do whatever the hell he wants. Think I’m full of it? Check out the last 40 years of black men dating and marrying non-black women. Has it decreased or increased exponentially? Yeah, that’s happening, despite any objections their mammas, sisters, and jilted black girlfriends and ex-wives have to say about. If Waiting to Exhale didn’t make them “come back home,” then nothing else was.

Reason #2: The whole, “slave master” guilt trip is applied almost exclusively to black women. Many of us have been vulnerable to the guilt-tripping about how us dating a white man is an insult to our ancestors, slave women who were chained to beds and raped. We are the “bed wenches.” There is no equivalent insult for black men who marry white women, who did their share of abusing black male slaves, including having them lynched on the regular if a white woman claimed they so much as whistled at her. Let black men tell it, it was never the white woman’s fault. She was only acting upon fear of the “evil white man” who was also her oppressor. Utter bullshit, but people have bought that reasoning for longer than I’ve been alive.

Reason #3: Women have a stronger desire to please. Women are social creatures. We want the approval of the people surrounding us that we care about. If dating or marrying a white man could lose them friends and family, black women are less likely to take the risk. Black men face no such ultimatums. Their homies pat them on the back, the black women in their lives may complain, but they will still love them and eventually accept the situation they have absolutely no power to change.

Reason #4: Black men are allowed to be married to white women and still be “down for the cause.” Throughout history some of our most celebrated black men have been free to marry white women and still freely be able to advocate on “black issues.” No one tells them they don’t have the right to speak on the black community once they jump the fence. Most of my “conscious” critics hurl that in my direction, because my husband is white. But Martin Luther King, Frederick Douglass, Quincy Jones, Sidney Poitier, and legions of black men can. Umkay…no one accuses black men of not being black anymore when they hook up with white chicks.

So with those reasons in mind, you’ll excuse me for not feeling not one bit of pity for men who are free to do whatever they want. My focus if to try to retrain the brains of black women, so they too realize they have the agency to what what they want.

It’s time to tear a page out of their playbook. Girl, get yours.

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Author Tells Women to Use Their “P*ssy Power” to Get the Men They Want http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/author-tells-women-to-use-their-pssy-power-to-get-the-men-they-want/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/author-tells-women-to-use-their-pssy-power-to-get-the-men-they-want/#comments Mon, 06 Apr 2015 10:25:37 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=36727 I downloaded a book recently, The Power of the Pussy, by recommendation from someone on this blog. Yes; the name alone incites waves of pearl clutching, but as I read through, I have to admit the author makes a whole hell of a lot of good sense. So much so that I’m going to put […]

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I downloaded a book recently, The Power of the Pussy, by recommendation from someone on this blog. Yes; the name alone incites waves of pearl clutching, but as I read through, I have to admit the author makes a whole hell of a lot of good sense. So much so that I’m going to put it on your recommended relationship reading, along with Get the Guy, and of course, Swirling.

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Author Kara King takes a no-bullshit approach to getting the man you want, and I’ve got to say it’s utterly refreshing. She takes that games that men play on women and shows you how to use them to your advantage, and tells you not to feel one iota of guilt about doing it.

She also combines traditional mating tips, like waiting as long as possible before having sex with a minimum of 60 days. King says that in this day and age of quickie hook-ups, making a guy wait for the cookies already sets you apart from the rest. It also works to filter out the time-wasting men who just want you for sex. If a guy is willing to date you for a minimum of two months with only kissing and a little boob fondling (she says to do this–it drives men crazy!) then he’s passed the first round of tryouts.

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Saw this during my Google search.

This tank pretty much sums up the entire premise of the book.

While you’re waiting, you might get horny. The author advises you do one of two things–get a vibrator or get a fuck buddy. These “FB’s” are your “hoes.” An FB should be treated as such and only used when needed (of course with all the requisite safe sex measures in place). You keep your libido in check for the guy you really want. Bottom line, if he’s boyfriend or husband material, you’d better wait it out.

But whatever you do, don’t tell ANYONE about your 60-day waiting period–not even your friends. If the guy knows about the time frame, you run the risk that he’ll just wait  it out and hit it and quit it. She also recommends to never, EVER reveal your sexual history, no matter what the guy tells you. She says they simply can’t handle the visual of your legs spread eagle with anyone that’s not them. The simple way to circumvent this inquisition is to say, “I’m a lady. I don’t talk about such things.” Boom.

What I find particularly delightful is how King instructs you how to get exactly what you ask once you’ve decided to “go all the way.” She says the crucial time to ask what you want is while his balls are swelling up and ready to take care of business. This is the time you can tell him that you don’t get intimate with just any guy–you’re looking for a committed relationship. This is also the time to ask if you guys can fly first class to the Bahamas. You do this asking, not in a bitchy or whiny way, but sweetly and in your best sex-kitten imitation. While the blood has rushed from the big head to the little one, your man will have a hard time denying you anything.

And that was just in the first two chapters. Yeah; you better buy this one.

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Wait…WHET?! Azealia Banks Dates White Guys? Is She Not Allowed to Complain of Black Men Now? http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/wait-whet-azealia-banks-dates-white-guys-is-she-not-allowed-to-complain-of-black-men-now/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/wait-whet-azealia-banks-dates-white-guys-is-she-not-allowed-to-complain-of-black-men-now/#comments Mon, 30 Mar 2015 14:45:05 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=36673 Now…I didn’t see this coming. Looks like Azealia Banks dates white men, and prefers to do so over black men.   I would have never guessed. Humans are complicated, are they not? What I found interesting is the response Clutch had about this: It’s always interesting to hear why someone chooses to not date their […]

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Now…I didn’t see this coming.

Looks like Azealia Banks dates white men, and prefers to do so over black men.

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I would have never guessed. Humans are complicated, are they not?

What I found interesting is the response Clutch had about this:

It’s always interesting to hear why someone chooses to not date their own race. By interesting, I mean sad. Date, mate with whomever you want, but keep your asinine reasons and self-hate to yourself.

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It’s kind of hilarious that this media outlet was, by their own admission, rooting for Azealia until she admitted she didn’t have a preference for black men.

Personally, I think Azealia is way too mercurial and has some growing up to do. But here’s where she has my support–she has every right to speak out about injustice and racial issues. Just because she dates non-black men doesn’t mean she’s not black anymore.

Thoughts?

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Has Feminism Killed Our Marriage Prospects? Controversial Author Says It Has. http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/has-feminism-killed-our-marriage-prospects-new-study-suggests-it-has/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/has-feminism-killed-our-marriage-prospects-new-study-suggests-it-has/#comments Mon, 23 Mar 2015 18:43:36 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=36584 Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve heard lots of rumblings from young women that guys today are just…different. Dates have become “hangouts at the apartment with a hope of a hook up,” less men willing to wine and dine, and more men avoiding marriage. And at least one author, Janice Shaw Crouse, author of Marriage Matters, […]

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Since I’ve started blogging, I’ve heard lots of rumblings from young women that guys today are just…different. Dates have become “hangouts at the apartment with a hope of a hook up,” less men willing to wine and dine, and more men avoiding marriage. And at least one author, Janice Shaw Crouse, author of Marriage Matters, is pointing the direct cause to the unintended consequences of modern feminism. She states that men between the ages of 20 and 34 are unmarried, which isn’t great news, considering this is the exact age that women are at the peak of their fertility.

“Far too many young men have failed to make a normal progression into adult roles of responsibility and self-sufficiency, roles generally associated with marriage and fatherhood,” Crouse, the  former executive director of the Beverly LaHaye Institute, wrote in a recent Washington Times oped.

The high percentage of bachelors means bleak prospects for millions of young women who dream about a wedding day that may never come. “It’s very, very depressing,” Crouse told CNSNews.com. “They’re not understanding how important it is for the culture, for society, for the strength of the nation to have strong families.” [SOURCE]

My husband, who is 42, agrees. “You can pretty much get everything out of marriage without actually being married. Women have removed all the value of marriage. For the guys, what’s the incentive? Marriage is more advantageous to women. Women are no longer holding it as a value and it reflects what guys are allowed to get away with. They don’t demand marriage before kids, and living together instead of building a life after marriage. For my daughters, I’m going to make sure they know the value of marriage. They won’t be living with people all over the place and having babies with men they’re not married to.” By the way, we got married when I was 28 and he was 29.

It’s always hard to have these discussions, because inevitably they’ll be legions of feminists coming in to deny that there’s any link AT ALL between the gender shift and the more radical subsets of feminist philosophy. But…it’s hard to deny what you can see with your own eyes, isn’t it? However, I’m not prepared to link modern feminism to low marriage in the black community and the 72% out-of-wedlock rate. State-sanctioned displacement from fathers away from mothers and children more than likely originated with Lyndon Johnson’s “War on Poverty.” It’s been 50 years since the state-sanctioned displacement, and there’s a direct link between the rise of unmarried black mothers and that ill-fated program.

However, there seems to be more credence to the link between the notion that “women need men like fish need bicycles” and the lag in marriage with white men and women. But I’m not ready to point the entire blame on feminism…and while Crouse denies a direct link between the Great Recession and low marriage rates, there’s no real link to the results of feminism and the rise of white-male-weeniehood. More than likely, what we’re witnessing is a perfect storm of a variety of causes that is bringing us to this point.

However, based on the summary, Marriage Matters might be worth the read…

 

In Marriage Matters, Janice Shaw Crouse argues that marriage is a critical element in a free society and that society’s most vulnerable communities, especially minorities and the poor, suffer the most from the nation’s retreat from marriage. Crouse writes that marriage advances the public interest and we should create laws and policies that support rather than undermine it. She demonstrates both the public and private importance of marriage, and organizes her argument in a thoughtful and logical manner.

Compared to other household arrangements, Crouse observes, marriage is by far the best for raising children and offers financial advantages as well. Writing about bullying, Crouse shows how the trend away from marriage has lead to poor child-rearing and to some of the nation’s worst contemporary problems. In household arrangements with an absence of traditional fathers, the government has in some ways overtaken this role by creating social programs such as food stamps, Social Security, and Medicare. Social programs are but a small part of an effective solution.

The groundwork for strong marriages and lasting relationships is examined in detail. Crouse then discusses the role of sex in marriages and the harmful influence of casual sex. The second half of the work shows how marriage matters to individuals (specifically to women and children) and depicts same-sex marriage as a threat to the institution. Other public policy issues affecting marriage are also explored.

So what’s your take? I especially want to hear from the younger, single segment of our community.

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