ATTENTION SWIRLING DADS AND MOMS, BE SURE TO CARRY YOUR BIRACIAL CHILDREN’S BIRTH CERTIFICATES WHENEVER YOU VENTURE MORE THAN 50 FEET AWAY FROM YOUR HOME IF YOU LIVE IN WOODBRIDGE, VIRGINIA. Because apparently the brilliant folks of that city obviously banned biology in school, so as to not allow their citizens to have a clue about dominate and recessive genes. That’s GOT to be the only explanation as to why a white guy named Joseph had the cops called on him when he took his three BIOLOGICAL daughters to Wal*Mart and some toothless jerk (maybe security, maybe a hillbilly customer) sounded the alarm that the cute little brown children calling Joseph “Daddy” were simply experiencing the early stages of Stockholm Syndrome and were being kidnapped. Yes; the white man lovingly and leisurely strapping his three girls into car seats while they giggled and fought over who gets to hold “Daddy’s” hand was really a ruthless predator hell-bent on the diabolical. See for yourself:

DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

Many of us parents of biracial children joke about something like this happening, but to see it played out in real time and real life is truly gut-wrenching. I for one don’t believe for one millisecond that anyone with ANY sense could honestly think this man would and could be capable of kidnapped not one, but THREE little girls, all of whom seem to absolutely adore their dad.

Could this have been a cruel and deliberate attempt at harassment? I wouldn’t put it past some folks. Again it seems that the coastal states reign supreme in widespread acceptance of interracial relationships. Must be something in all that granola and fresh ocean air.

Here’s the summary of what went down, in his words:

I proposed to my girlfriend today, and SHE SAID YES!! I’m so humbled and blessed to spend the rest of my life with her. I’m certain you’ll want to know all the details (being your journalistic self), so here goes:

I bought the ring a few weeks ago. We picked out the ring together, but I kept the proposal a mystery. I’ve been making gifts for her for the past month to give to her every day this week, and give I did. I have her a present every day up through today. The last one, before today, was a “Gillespie Family Photo Album” that detailed our relationship, down to pasting all the movie ticket stubs to every movie we’ve seen together (there were 9 – Django was the best).

So, after giving her a gift a day for a week, I took her up to Memphis to go to the art museum her parents got married in (she didn’t think I remembered, but I did!). We went to eat at a café first and she had no idea of the proposal. We ate, paid and then drove to the park outside the art museum. We walked through the park for an hour, talking and watching all of the people enjoy this beautiful Sunday. I pointed to an open field and we walked through, observing as we went. We saw a man practicing fire juggling (no fire of course, there were children around!). Several families were picnicking in the park and enjoying the day. As we walked, I expressed to her how much I love her and how I can’t wait for her to be my wife. Once we got to the middle of the park, I stopped her.

She had a confused look on her face, as I reached into my pocket. She saw what was coming and started saying, “no, no, no.” I was immediately nervous that she would reject my proposal, but I had already gone this far so I couldn’t stop now!

I got down on one knee. I was sweating harder, because I was scared she would say no. I said, “Ashley, will you marry me?”

She hesitated again, and my apprehension grew; but, to my joy, she said “of course I’ll marry you.” I stayed on my knee for another two minutes while I put the ring on her finger. I stood up.

The first thing I remember after the haze of nervousness, was the fire-juggler. He had dropped his practice batons and was yelling, “YEAH! YEAH!” As he kept cheering, so began the other park-goers. I put my fists in the air, triumphant. I’m a bit of a shy guy, so I made no exultations, but instead put my arm around Ashley and led her toward the art museum.

We spent two hours in the art museum. I’m an enormous art fan, being an artist (musician/music teacher) myself, especially paintings. I can say though, I’ve never seen the beauty in art like I did today. We walked around and took in centuries of art, and felt a part of it together.

We drove back to my house and called our friends and family to tell them the good news. They were extraordinarily happy for us, and their joy served to augment ours.

After everything, today has been one of the most joyous days I’ve ever had. I think I’ve done my White Boy Dance several times already, today!

So, there it is. Love exists and it lives here, between us. I hope our story serves as an example for others like us (we call ourselves a Yin-Yang).

Cheers to all you guys working hard for the heart of a wonderful woman. *sips victory beer*

Yay love!!

Here’s a picture of the nice rock he put on her finger…

Look at this gorgeous couple…!!!

Congrats Whitney and Ashley!

I consider most people who marry interracially, progressive and out of the box thinkers.  I did not know that there were actual categories of people who chose to marry interracially until I came across this post online.  Evidently there are select categories that most of us fall into who date and marry out.  We are:  outcasts, rebels, mavericks, compensators, adventurers, escapists, and unstables.

The outcasts are those people who do not feel comfortable with their race because they don’t agree with the norms. They are often questioning why they have to do certain things, and are not happy because they don’t fit in with the social groups of their race. The outcast will usually find a culture within another race that appeals to their needs. This provides the outcasts with the opportunity to marry interracially and begin a family within a different racial context.

The rebels are those people who disagree with the basic values, beliefs, and politics of their race. For them marrying outside of their race is not only a form of a long-life commitment to another person, but it is also a long life commitment to a form of protest. They disagree with one or more aspects of their race and they don’t care what anyone around them might think if they marry outside of their race.

The maverick may be seen as the non-conformist. People in this group are usually independent. Although the people within their race usually accept them, they would rather not belong to the “in group.” For the majority of the time these people are sufficiently detached to the different aspects of their race that they are happier not belonging to it, much less belonging to the “in group.” Marrying interracially allows the maverick to feel freed of the pressures to join and conform to the values, beliefs, politics, etc. of a race that they do not accept.

The compensator is the person who is always looking for their “other half.” These are the people who feel incomplete by themselves, who do not want to be alone, and long for a loving relationship. This may not sound exclusively for people who marry interracially, but it is because this type of compensator is under the belief that they can only find what they need with a partner from a different race. The compensator attributes the deficiencies in their life to their race. Many times the compensator belongs to a broken family where neither of the parents is present, physically nor emotionally. The compensator is not negative about their own race they are just under the impression that someone from a different race can provide what they feel they are missing.

The adventurer is the person who is always daring to be different. Adventurers marry interracially because they need the excitement from those who are different to them. They are risking their life with a race that is unknown to them, they don’t want a predictable relationship instead they want a marriage that will stimulate their life and make them feel special. Many adventurers cross all boundaries: race, class, religion, age, etc. Each additional difference makes the marriage and their life more exciting.

The escapist is the person who marries outside of their race in order to improve the quality of their life. The escapist may be marrying a different race to move up the social or economic ladder, they marry for the benefits. The majority of interracial marriages include some type of trade off between the parties involved.

Unstables can be described by deviance. They marry outside of their race to defy authority. The authority they are usually trying to defy is their parents. Once they marry outside of their race the family will consider them to be abnormal and unstable people. Not many people marry under this type of circumstance, but it does happen.

The article covers the history of interracial marriage, these categories, stages of marriage and some possible issues of biracial children.  But I was drawn to these seven categories as I found it odd to be categorized.  But I guess it is not so strange.  To be fair the writer said that people who marry interracially are not limited to these categories and its a good thing because I don’t see myself in any of them.  I don’t see my husband in any either but I can say that I recognize a couple of them in the some of the categories.  Do any of you in BB&W land really see yourselves under one of these seven labels?  Do tell.

Wait. Did she marry Lil Wayne? Ludacris? Drake? Common?

Oh no?

This is the ultimate irony. Bob Johnson, co-founder of BET, a vehicle that has single-handedly tarnished the name of black American women all over the world, wants a “gentleman” for his daughter. Funny, because he’s made his fortune convincing black women that thugs, drug dealers, and gold teeth should be the standard of sexiness and allure for us mere-mortal regular black chicks.

From the Washington Post:

More than 200 guests attended the lavish four-day celebration, which kicked off with a rehearsal dinner Thursday. A beach party on Friday got hit with some rain, but we’re told there was perfect weather for the ceremony and reception Saturday, where Grammy-winning R&B star Ne-Yo sang Elton John’s “Your Song” for the couple’s first dance. There was also entertainment by in-demand DJ Cassidy — who has spun discs at the White House as well as at Jay-Z’s house — and a Motown band. Guests trickled out after a farewell brunch Sunday.

Dudley Payne III and Paige Johnson on their wedding day. (Matt Blum)

This is the first marriage for Johnson, a champion equestrian based in Middleburg, as well as for Payne, an insurance broker from Warrenton. The two were introduced by a mutual friend seven years ago and have been dating ever since.

“This guy is the perfect guy for Paige,” Bob Johnson told us last week. “He’s a true gentleman.” Before proposing last year, Payne took the old-fashioned step of inviting the multi-millionaire to Café Milano to ask for his only daughter’s hand in marriage.

Take a goooooood look at the last paragraph. Mr. Johnson said that this WHITE INSURANCE BROKER IS THE PERFECT GUY FOR HIS DAUGHTER. I’ve said this before on other issues but it bears repeating like a broken record on a Victrola: Be careful of those who advocate a lifestyle on others that they would never desire for themselves. Do you think Jay-Z is going to want his precious little Blu Ivy gallivanting with the progeny of his homeboys?  Doubt it.

Why are we so effing blind? So many of us are being fed a pile of horse-pucky about a lifestyle that nobody with any damn sense wants for themselves or their own. Has the precious Paige been in any of the ratchet BET videos that parade half-naked black women in front of men who call them bitches, hoes, and cum dumpsters? No? Maybe it’s time you ask yourself why.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m THRILLED for Paige. I just wish that EVERY little black girl was cherished and protected and married off to a “perfect guy for her,” not just the daughters of rich men who are responsible for advocating a lifestyle that grants the exact opposite to “ordinary” black girls.

The lifelong probability of a marriage ending in divorce is between 40 and 50 percent, according to PolitiFact.com’s estimates. Couples in trouble often seek advice from friends, family and counselors. But global marriage expert Mort Fertel, creator of the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp and author of “Marriage Fitness,” (www.MarriageMax.com), says much of the advice couples get is bad.

“Much of the advice people get about their marriage problems is wrong. It sounds good. It makes sense. The problem is: it usually doesn’t work,” Fertel says. “Reconciling a broken marriage is tricky. The process is not intuitive. You really have to be careful that the advice you’re following has proved to achieve the outcome you’re looking for.”

Fertel says his tips often run counter to many ideas existing within our culture’s zeitgeist.

“A lot of the advice people get is logical, but it’s not psychological,” he says. “It’s ineffective because it doesn’t take into account the unique dynamics that occur between a husband and wife who are emotionally disconnected.”

• Go at it ALONE. Most people think, “I need my spouse to work with me to fix our marriage.” But it does not take two to tango. One person’s effort can change the momentum of a marriage, and very often, it’s that effort that motivates the obstinate spouse to join in the process of saving the relationship.

• The wrong question. Many people wonder, “Did I marry the right person?” But that’s the wrong question. The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. Love is not a mystery. Just as there are physical laws of the universe – like gravity, which governs flight – there are also relationship laws that, depending on your behavior, dictate the outcome of your marriage. You don’t have to be “lucky in love.” It’s not luck; it’s choice.

• Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. That might have been true in junior high school when you went away for the summer. But in marriage, particularly in a broken marriage, absence separates people. It creates distance, and that’s the opposite of what we’re trying to achieve, which is closeness.

• Don’t talk about your problems. Talking about the problems in a marriage doesn’t resolve them; it makes them worse. It leads to arguments and bad will. Besides, you’ll never talk yourself out of a problem that you behaved yourself into. Marriages change because people change. Say little; do much. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. New choices resolve marital problems; discussion don’t.

• Don’t think marriage counseling is the answer. Marriage counseling does not work in most situations. The success rate is dismal. Most couples report being worse off after marriage counseling. One of the reasons relates to point 4 above.

• Don’t talk to family or friends about your situation. One of the most important values in a marriage is privacy; therefore, it’s a mistake to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It’s a violation of your spouse’s privacy and it’s wrong.

What say you? Agree? Disagree?

About Mort Fertel

Mort Fertel is a world authority on the psychology of relationships. He has been featured as an expert on ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS and Fox television networks, as well as dozens of publications including Glamour Magazine and Family Circle, to discuss his Marriage Fitness System. His program is endorsed by a wide variety of mental-health professionals, and he has helped save thousands of marriages. Fertel graduated from the University of Pennsylvania, was the CEO of an international nonprofit organization, and is a former marathon runner. He lives with his wife and five children (including triplets!) in Baltimore, MD.

Watch their lovely video

Photos: Zoom Photography

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Hat Tip:  Tia Delano

Hi Christelyn!

I LOVE your blog. I remember when I stumbled across it & it was so awesome to finally find a community of like-minded women! I just got engaged to my boyfriend, Henry, on Saturday after my birthday dinner. We met in medical school at Brown and we’re currently doing our residencies (I’m in Boston doing internal medicine & he’s in Philadelphia doing emergency medicine). I’ll be moving to Philly in June to join him! Your blog is wonderful because it doesn’t mince words — we black women are just as beautiful & deserving of being treated like queens as any other women. I’ve heard it all, that I’m uppity and don’t know my place because I’m not interested in DBR brothas hollering at me on the street. I know my worth, and I love that your blog empowers women to embrace their options and choose the best for themselves. Anyway, I know you sometimes post when people get engaged, and I was hoping you’d consider sharing our story. Keep fighting the good fight!!

Sincerely,
“A”

Congrats to the happy couple!!

Vice Admiral Michelle J. Howard

In honor of Women’s History Month, I wanted to profile a special swirling black woman.  I could not think of a more fitting role model, outstanding leader and phenomenal woman whose official title is Vice Admiral Michelle Janine Howard, three star ranked Deputy Commander of the United States Fleet Forces Command.  Having aachieved so many “firsts” for a woman, a black woman, her graduating class from the US Naval Academy (1982), and family life.

Howard was promoted to Rear Admiral (lower half), effective September 1, 2007 and to Rear Admiral, effective August 1, 2010. She was promoted to Vice Admiral on August 24, 2012.  When we go back a bit earlier, we find that in 1999, she became the first Black American woman to command a U.S. Navy ship, the USS Rushmore, a 15,000-ton assault vessel with a crew of 400 sailors and 350 marines trained for battle.  Among her great many military accomplishments and accolades, Rear Admiral Howard commanded the Expeditionary Strike Group (ESG) 5; multinational counter-piracy Combined Task Force (CTF) 151, which directed the Navy’s rescue of merchant ship Maersk Alabama from Somali pirates in 2009.  Yes, the Navy Seals who blew the Somalian pirates out of the water — literally were under Howard’s command.  Vice Admiral Michelle Howard is committed to fighting piracy and the ESG was created to combat it.

Awesome is a word that barely describes her when you look at all Vice Admiral Howard has done in her illustrious career with the Navy.  Vice Admiral Michelle Howard has done Aurora, Colorado proud and she shines a positive light there despite the tragedy that happened on July 20, 2012 when James Holmes decided to indiscriminately open fire in a Century theater, killing 12 and injuring 70 people.

When I Googled Vice Admiral Michelle Howard, I spent a great deal of time reading through all the nice articles about this phenomenal lady.  I have included just a fewof the many links below.  She is one of many fine black women serving in the US Armed Forces.  Well Done!

Vice Adm. Michelle Janine Howard’s husband, Wayne Cowles, and her sister, Lisa Teitleman, change Howard’s shoulder boards during a ceremony  in Norfolk, VA when she became the first Black woman to attain a three-star rank. (MC1 (SW/AW) Rafael Martie, U.S. Navy)

I love love love this common sense and profound quote from Vice Admiral Michelle Howard:  “Once you have attained knowledge you cannot go back to ignorance.”

Vice Admiral Michelle Howard gives a short but motivating talk on women and minorities.

Resources

US Navy

Voyage To Discovery

Black Engineer

US Navy Seals (Blog)

Denver Post

Wikipedia

Speaking of black women who never seem to age, I’m thinking Miss Turner (soon to be Missus Turner) is not only a cougar, but a vampire. But word to the wise, ladies, do NOT wait fricking 27 years to marry someone. And don’t even THINK about using this long-arse courtship as a reason to stay with that dude you been “engaged” to for the last decade, because as reports go, Erwin has asked Tina repeatedly to marry him and she declined. The ball was always firmly in her court.

Story of a Trinidadian (Black) Hakka Chinese, and French Creole Family

Eugene and Agatha Chen both born in 1878 married in 1899 and had four children.  Agatha Alphosin Ganteaume was born in Trinidad of a white man and an African servant.  Although she was considered an illegitimate or bastard child, her father Alphonse Ganteaume obviously treated Agatha like the rest of his white children. When you look at the pictures of Eugene and Agatha you will see a Chinese family in Trinidad, a marriage of a Chinese son to a biracial daughter (referred to as a bastard child in the estate records of the Ganteaume family whose french ancestry is evident to one of whom was an official in Napoleon’s Navy).  You will see four children of this marriage whose ambitions took them to China, Russia, the UK, back to Trinidad and the US. You will read about desertion, Russian and Chinese governments and revolution, various officials, military careers, multiple marriages and other things. Each picture takes you further into the very complex but fascinating story.

Eugene and Agatha Chen

The Chen children in 1920s Moscow Percy, Sylvia (Silan), Yolanda (Yulen), & Jack.  Percy, Sylvia and Jack became authors.

 Jay Chen, grandson of Eugene and Agatha and son of Jack Chen and website owner Yuan Tsung Chen.  Jay has gone through great lengths to find his relatives who are all a variety of nationalities and races, found on several continents.