Let’s give Niki some love! Reach out at ruins@post.com

Dear BB&W:

I would love your advice on some things that have been stressing me. I am ashamed to say I’ve never gotten this far in relationship minded

Subject: Vetting

How do you know if you vetted well?
How do you know if you are settling?
What do you think of men you say adore?
Although he says he’s very happy and need not look any further, because of my very SERIOUS LACK of experience, I’m wondering is it safe to say yes? Really, I don’t know what to do? Some things about him I don’t approve, but he does make an effort when I mentioned anything that bothers me.
What if I’m stupid and let this guy pass and missed out on love, fun and a future I’ve been wanting for ever?!

 

Lots of us talk vetting in the BWE blogospere and some of us really know what we’re talking about, and some of us need to take a seat on this. I’m kind of in the middle. I chose The Hubster well, but before him I sucked major donkey butt when it came to choosing men. It wasn’t until I had Maxi Me and felt a tremendous responsibility to her that I honed in to what was really important for me. And what’s important for me might not be so for the next girl, so it’s for that reason that your vetting radar has to be a bit flexible. For me, I wanted someone who was smart (a must), taller than me, not hideous to look at, came from a nice family, and valued home, family and marriage.

But don’t let having a kid be the reason you get your head on straigth when it comes to finding Mr. Right. What I think we miss from the rotating vetting conversations is something very simple–TRUSTING YOUR INSTINCTS. I once dating someone that literally imparted a sense of DREAD whenever we had a conflict. I noticed his behaviors, his rationalizations, his epic selfishness for about five microseconds, felt the dread, but stifled it. I remember being deep in this particular relationship and so embroiled I felt I couldn’t leave and my only option was to pray. Before I could say, “Our Father, who art in…” Something said in my mind, “GET OUT!! GET OUT!!” Did I ask, “Uh…God, is that you?!”

Nope.

I ignored it.

Every. Single. Sign.

I pushed it out of my mind. Guess how it ended? Ladies, give yourself some credit…if it feels wrong and you feel THE DREAD just GET OUT!!!

Hello Christelyn!
I just wanted to thank you for the Youtube videos that you make. You are so clear and wise about the matters of interracial dating. It’s more about being human than about being black or white, as it should be in my opinion. Before I dated with a black girl I didn’t know how it could ever lead to so many racist and hateful responses from other people. Still I can’t really fathom why some people are so concerned about the race thing. When I came upon all the interracial dating videos on Youtube I realized this still is a big, big issue for a lot of people. It’s shocking to see how much racism is still alive these days. On the other hand it’s very nice to see how a lot of people can look past the irrelevance of race in love.
I had a question and I hope you can sort of help me out with it. I seem to be hugely attracted to black women of older age. The age of 30-50, as I am still 24 years old. The black girls I dated were around my age. Now I was wondering if there are any essential differences between younger and older black women. Do you think they might be openminded about a younger white guy, or do you think it will be somewhat of a taboo?
It might be a little different in The US (I live in The Netherlands), but maybe you can help me out!
~Nick

Nick!! So glad you followed me from You Tube to he blog, and I have a lot to say about this!

First, kudos to you for going beyond racial and age barriers to look for the lady of your dreams. I like when I get notes from men who like to do their research–it shows that you’re keen on learning enough about the object of your affection in hopes (I’m sure) that you’ll be a good boyfriend. That right there give you like, five cool points.

Your question is an interesting one for a variety of reasons because with a healthy lifestyle and fancy wrinkle cream, it’s hard to know how old people are, and that’s even more pronounced with black women, who tend to age quite gracefully. I’m not sure if you have a preference for older women in general, or if there’s something about a well-seasoned black woman that does it for you, but I’ll do my best to answer your question.

“Now I was wondering if there are any essential differences between younger and older black women.”

Yes there are some essential differences, and I’ll list a few:

–Older black women are going to lean less toward the drama. Chances are a 40-year-old woman isn’t going to show up at your house at midnight demanding you unlock your phone because she thinks you’re texting her best friend.

–She will be wise in the ways of the world, and the ways of love. She’ll know what she wants and how she wants it, and she won’t be afraid to tell you.

–There’s a good chance that she has children. Just something to keep in mind, because if her son is 17 and you’re 24, you might be torn between playing video games with him or going wine tasting with your lady.

–You’ll know where you stand. Older women play a lot less games–they’ve been there and done that and have the t-shirt buried in the back of their closet.

“Do you think they might be open-minded about a younger white guy, or do you think it will be somewhat of a taboo?”

In a word, hell-to-the-yeah there will be be black women willing to play with you, ehr, I mean, date you. The trouble you may run into is how to convince her to take you seriously. Remember, she’s been 25, 26, 27, and so on, so she knows the journey you’re on and she might be a little doubtful about whether or not you’re in it until she’s wearing Depends. And if you’re looking for something long-term and you would like children, I’d stay on the younger end of your age criteria, especially if your girlfriend is over 35 with no prior children.

One thing I do have to address is that black women of previous generations may have a bit more hangups about interracial dating than the fresh crop of black women. So dating you might be a double taboo for them. But if you’re really into her, you’ll have to be persistent and you might need to jump through a few hoops to convince her you’re serious.

What say you, BB&W?

I am a single, 24yrs old girl with a university degree in Marketing and I live in the Netherlands. I am a huge fan of your blog and I visit it often. My sister makes fun of me all the time because she can’t seem to understand the obsession I have with your blog. I mainly visit it for advices and I like that your readers always share their loving stories and advices with everybody and that has helped me tremendously.
 
The main reason why am writing to you is because I’m in a very difficult period in my life right now. My story is really complicated and I would like some advice from you ( if you can of course).  After a very disturbing and not healthy relationship (not blaming the guy ) I decided enough was enough.  I was in a 4 years relationship with a MARRIED man and please don’t judge me because I have being doing it for the last 4yrs.

 I met this good looking guy when I was 20yrs old, he was 40 yrs and I was very naïve and young at the time. I wasn’t looking for a relationship let alone with a married man at 20 but for some strange reason it happened. He is a nice guy who had a lot of respect for me and treated me like a princess, maybe that’s why I felt for him. Don’t get me wrong, I was young enough to realize that I was playing with fire but I guess that didn’t stop me and I will forever regret making that choice.  
 
To start with, I don’t have a lot of friends like my sister and I think that also contributed to me dating him. I could hang out with him and do lots of fun stuff together so I didn’t focus on making friends in school.  We used to travel together around the world, slept in 4 stars hotels and my best friend and sisters envied my lifestyle because it was very glamorous. I lived a fancy life meaning that I didn’t have to work, he gave me expensive gifts, I could shop all the time and he bought me a car. I was blinded by the beautiful gifts.
He even became very close to my family and they loved him back. Of course they didn’t know he was married because I was embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone but I eventually told my mom and my sister because I couldn’t live with the secret anymore. My sister was devastated and couldn’t believe I would ever date a married guy because everyone in my family and friends tell me I am very pretty and could get any man I want. I never had any problems attracting guys in school and my sister couldn’t understand why I would ever fall for a married guy. The problem is that I never truly believed I was pretty and still don’t. Whenever I look in the mirror I see a pretty face with big brown eyes but my low self esteem makes me see something else, which is very sad.  
My mother on the other hand had a very disturbing reaction learning that I was dating a married man. My mother liked him very much and she saw how happy I was that she didn’t encouraged me to get out of the relationship. I know it sounds ridiculous and you are probably thinking that my mom is a monster for supporting my relationship but my mom hasn’t been lucky finding love herself. She’s being cheated on several times and only had terrible guys in her life which made her not to believe there are still good man out there. I don’t want to make any excuses for her because I feel sorry for her but I would think she would want what’s best for me. Maybe she honestly thought I was very happy because I never complained to her about him and our relationship. She witnessed how he treated me like a princess. Little does she know I was extremely miserable and battling with some serious self esteem issues. My parents divorced when I was 7 yrs old and my mom remarried but she isn’t happy in her marriage because my stepdad cheated on her just like her previous boyfriends. My dad actually never cheated on her when they were together and I have a very good relationship with him. I didn’t tell him that the guy he liked so much is married because that would have broken his heart. I am daddy’s little girl and he always tells me to look for true love and only be with men that are worthy of me. Till this day, he still doesn’t know I was involved with a married guy.

This relationship destroyed me and made me doubt myself even more. I was such a lovely and outgoing girl. I lived in Paris by myself when I was 19 and I had friends and was very happy. When I met him I started isolating myself from the real world and would only hang out with him and did things I should have been doing with friends. I can’t blame anyone but me because I brought this misery upon myself. Yes I enjoyed traveling around the world, eating in very fancy restaurants, driving a beautiful car, didn’t have to work like my sister and classmates but for what exactly? I traded my self esteem for some shoes and good food? I can’t believe it and I will never forgive myself for being so stupid and I will forever regret it for the rest of my life. I cry everyday and I just wish I could turn back time.

Anyway, I am no longer in a relationship with him for almost a month. I always wanted to leave him but couldn’t bring myself to and one day he made the decision to leave me and I always thought I would be making that decision. Him making that decision was an eye opening moment and I finally realized that I had to make significant changes in my life. I am rebuilding my life and it is not easy. I did a big chop on my natural hair ( yes I did), started swimming again and have been looking for a job. It’s not easy breaking up with someone you were involved with for 4 years and looking for a job at the same time especially with the European economy getting worst every day. My next plan is to move out of my parent’s house as soon as I have save enough money and I am giving myself not more than a year.
It hasn’t been easy at all and I am still struggling every day. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him but I quickly remind myself that he actually never loved me even though he claims he did. I never wanted him to leave his wife and kids because I will never forgive myself for doing that to her and frankly he wasn’t planning on leaving her either. I just wished I could have ended this relationship a long time ago.

Fortunately, I have your blog and the advices from your readers to help me. My life hasn’t been the same ever since I stumbled upon your blog. I decided to change my life and right now I am looking for self help books to regain some self esteem. I just don’t know any good one right now. I am terrified of going through what my mum went through with men and being unlucky with love. I want to be loved, find real love and get married but I have to believe that there are good guys out there but it’s very difficult considering the fact that I don’t even know what a good guy is anymore. This was my first relationship ever and it hurts it was a recipe for disaster. I want to fall in love again with a nice guy but right now I’m not ready.  I know you always tell women on your blog to find a good therapist but I wish I could afford one. I know I should get out there and try different foods and drinks, meditate so I can see the forest for the trees and find someone to love who will love me back.  Be fearless, find my voice, take a chance and live my life to the fullest but I don’t even know where to begin.  I can’t go back and reset time and start the clock again with the knowledge I now have but I can look to finding someone special. I am very young and still have the time to turn my life around. Lately I have been thinking of taking a two weeks trip to France to visit my aunt and a cousin with whom I am very close. I have also been thinking of going out more but I don’t like going out by myself because it is boring to sit alone in a café.

I should stop writing now but I just wanted to share with you the story of my life. I know you don’t have a magic wand to change my life but it would be great to get some advice. I definitely understand if you don’t have the time to respond considering your busy life being a wife, a mother and having a blog. If you were to ever meet me, you would think I am such a happy, pretty, well behaved and energetic person who sees the glass as half full. That is true to an extent. If only I could believe in myself and make sure to make every moment of my life more amazing. You could share what I have shared with you but keep it anonymous.  I don’t want someone else make the mistake i did when i was 20 years old.
In addition, I just want to thank you for what you are doing with your blog and keep helping young women around the world because you are good at it.

Much love from Europe

——————

Honey, no I don’t think your mom is a monster, but perhaps she suffers from a similar low self image as you do. Typically, married men looking to cheat target young women like yourself, and they can sniff insecurity like blood in that water. It also sounds like this man is charming and knows how to sweep a girl off her feet. Know that you have made the right decision in leaving, and you should run and not look back. Married men often cheat because of the passion they are missing in their marriage, and are stimulation seeking. This man probably is not in love with you, and after four years, he’s most definitely not going to leave his wife. He’s probably persisting with the relationship because he knows you’re vulnerable and it’s easier than going out and starting all over again with a new target.

The real issue, dear, is that you don’t really believe you’re worth more than just a side piece. I don’t know if you’ve always felt this way, or if being in this kind of relationship exacerbated the issue. It’s only when you realize your worth can you move on to more healthy and reciprocal relationships. I can’t tell you want a high self-worth looks like for you, because the bar is set differently for everyone. But in general, you put more stock in yourself when you’ve achieved a certain level of success with completing your personal goals and challenges. Take a break from relationships for a while, and find out what your really need in order to feel better about yourself, and I highly recommend you talk to a therapist. While I know your mother’s support is comforting, I recommend you not go to her for any more advice or discussion on the matter.

The good news? You made a mistake, but your young enough to fix it. Chalk it up to lessons learned and then DO BETTER, because you DESERVE BETTER.

Keep your head up, chica.

Ladies, chime in and let’s lend this young lady some support.

I really love my boyfriend. He is one of the most caring, loving and sweet human beings I’ve met. He also is divorced and has three biological children with his ex wife. I’ve dated men with kids before but this experience is unique because they were married. We are experiencing some baby mama drama. My boyfriend has been honest with me and admitted his faults in their relationship. He even admitted to having a bad temper at times. But the ex has all of a sudden gone Jekyll and Hyde since we are in a relationship. I’ve met the kids and have hung out with them on three occasions. Their mother and I actually met months ago at a singles event. I was hosting the event. My now boyfriend and I had only gone on one date at the time I met her. We got along well then (before she knew I was in the picture). But when she came to pick up the kids from my boyfriend’s house, she was agitated, cold and didn’t even look me in the eye. I tried to be nice and polite. She constantly texts my boyfriend saying she isn’t comfortable with me around the kids because she doesn’t “know” me (despite the fact that we met and hung out for 2 hours last year during a singles event). I don’t know what to do. She said she’d like to meet to discuss “boundaries.” She’s sent me Facebook emails about her wanting to protect her kids. But I’m not sure if I want to meet up with her now. I feel like she’s going to try and lecture me. Should I just wait or have my boyfriend arrange a meeting? I’m not a parent so I don’t know what to do.

At little more background:

I hope this situation improves because I am so tired of the ex bullying my man and keeping the kids from him. She was really upset that we threw a party for their 5 year old and invited his family. They had an awesome time. She doesn’t like his mom and was upset. I’m trying to be understanding Chris. But to see my boyfriend in such pain is tough. He actually wants to see his children and be involved. She’s the one that divorced him and moved out so I don’t get it.

Hey sweetie! First, it sounds like your boyfriend’s ex may be beginning to harbor some jealousy about your relationship, coupled with a dash of feeling threatened by the possibility of you encroaching in between her relationship with her babies. Women are fiercely protective of their children, so I don’t want you to be surprised that she isn’t welcoming you with open arms. When she met you at that party, she wasn’t sizing you up as a potential step-mother to her children, and might have thought you and your boo’s relationship wasn’t all that serious. Now that she realizes it is, you’ll going to experience a lot of surprising and potentially offensive behaviors coming from her, so steel yourself.

My recommendation for keeping the peace is to stay out of it. Make her understand that this is not a competition for the affection of the kids, and they your only interest in them at this point is friendship, not step-motherhood. Because the reality is that if and until your boyfriend asks you to marry him, this isn’t your fight. Be supportive. Be empathetic, and try not to flex. Easier said than done I know, but the more you push for involvement in their custody situations, the more vindictive and punitive she may become, which will only serve to cause stress between you and the man you love.

I wanted to write this message earlier, but I was too emotional. I am a huge fan of the concept of “black women’s self-improvement” and I love fashion, beauty and all of the stereotypically girly things.

I have often struggled with feeling bad about how I look. I understand the importance of improving what’s on the outside, but I need help with how to help my inner self. I am talking to a counselor and a psychologist, so I am trying not to be in victim mode. I remember you mentioning how you had to learn to accept your beauty in one of your past videos and I was wondering how you started and went through that process.

It’s really hard to admit this and I feel awkward writing it. I just don’t feel good about what I see when I look into the mirror and it’s causing major emotional problems. (It also doesn’t help that I go to college in “pretty-white-skinny-blonde-girl-ville and I compare myself to the pretty black girls on campus). I would just like a little insight if you or the other BB&W readers could help.

Sorry if this message is disjointed or weird sounding.

————————

BTW, I’m friends with this young girl on Facebook and she’s as cute as can be. She’s a doll.

Her post moved me so much that I put this up on my Facebook wall:

I’m going to share something personal, because I’m going to do a video about it later for a girl who is asking for my help. Did you know I didn’t really think I was beautiful or feel beautiful until someone non-black told me? Not just the men, the women too. My whole life, I was told that my particular brand of looks was not appealing to black men–kinky hair, slight gap in the teeth, dark skin. I was told I could never compete to get a “creme de la creme” IBM. When I married interracially, both black men and women said I only did so because I couldn’t land a decent black man because of how I look. I also was never ever told by either one of my parents I was pretty–ever. You see, where I come from, the only pretty black women are the light-skinned ones. I say all this not to bash anyone, but to just make folks aware…dark girls can be beautiful too. Not bitter, just tough truth telling.

 

Sent February 21, 2012…

Dear Mrs. Karazin,

I read your story ‘My Story: Jumping the Broom with a White Boy’; thank you so much for sharing your story, as it has given me a glimpse at what could be my future; or at least as my (love) life currently sits, I hope it can be. Too early to know, and I can’t tell the future, but alas:

I am in a wonderful, electrifying, beautiful, fulfilling, enriching, swept off my feet ( yet also) scary, unprecedented, and potentially family shattering situation… and I am looking for advice from anyone that has the ability and compassion to share it with me. I humbly ask you for any that you may have to offer me from what I write here (for which I apologize in advance for getting a bit longwinded); you would be helping me very much, and I would be eternally grateful and appreciative of your time.

My story as it sits.

I am a white man in my early twenties from Florida; more specifically, a 6th generation (on both my mother’s and father’s sides) ‘Florida Cracker’, meaning that I am a ‘cowboy’ that has a family history (and current job) of working with cattle. I get lumped into the ‘redneck’ category. I am not gloating and never will, but I am an example of such that sees a person for who they are inside, not outside, which from what I understand is somewhat rare/uncommon. In this regard, my dad and my brother (in his early thirties) are two more kindred examples, which of course helped shape me this way.

After dating around for the years after I graduated high school and finding little substance in those that I dated, I put finding a relationship on the back burner and decided to turn all of my energies towards my main passion; music. I figured that the right girl would turn up when the good Lord saw fit for me to notice her.

From what I can tell, this has happened.

I was ‘admired’ by a Jamaican woman (also in her early twenties) on a social networking site back in late 2010; we came to write to each other after having found out we both love music and certainly would love to have careers in it, both have substance and intelligence, both of us are Christian, much more in common etc. I became attracted to her shortly after we started talking, but I was mistimed, as she was in a (unbeknownst to me, tired) relationship when we started talking, Neither of us being the cheating kind, I talked to her for nearly a year and a half, just about music and life and as friends (or online pen pals). I was also worried about what my southern family would think.

Just to paraphrase things, her relationship petered out, and I drove down and met her a few months ago; things were electric, and we’ve quickly grown into a full blown relationship. It is long distance (she lives in Miami, myself in Lake Placid -3 hrs apart-) and being as we both still live with our parents, we see each other every chance we can (when money and schedules on both ends allow). We love each other, fit with each other like peas and carrots, etc, Happyness with a .

We’re both worried to death over how our families are going to take our relationship, concerning mine more so than hers; a lot of hers already know about me. I’ve already met her mom (who appeared to like me..? She’s an implicit person.). And, I’ve already introduced her to both my parents and my brother, who all like her very much as a person (which was a great sigh of relief for me). But, they are worried sick over how I’m going to be treated by.. well, everyone else, including the rest of our family, the people of the small town I live in, and the world in general. I’m scared myself. My girlfriend is scared for me as well, as she’s dated outside of her race before and has been tempered to the stares that an interracial relationship tends to garner, along with the insults, etc.

I have not. This is my first rodeo. I’m realizing the challenges that simply dating this girl, let alone possibly having a life with this girl, are going to be flooding my world as soon as I allow our relationship to go public. Prejudice from all angles and disapproving stares/words are (most likely) going to become amplified for her and a new reality for me.

Hiding our relationship is something that I feel terrible about having to do and something that I won’t do forever. I thank God that she understands that I can’t magically change people, but it is an ugly thing to me anyway. I know I’m going to have to bring us to light eventually, whether it be planned and gradual, one family member at a time, ..or whenever someone happens upon us when she’s visiting and turns into a town crier, devouring the latest juicy bit for my little town’s rumor mill. But, we’re of course nervous about it, and plenty of other things. From my feelings and what I know, we’ll hold hands through it all.

We’re still nervous though, hehe.

So, there it is, as best as I can paint the picture. Wonderful and joyous beyond our wildest hopes… yet still, scary and uncertain in the face of the world. Our relationship has yet to be truly tested, but I’m going to have faith this time around.

Can you offer any advice or advisories in so far as what I should prepare for, she should prepare for, what I should prepare her for, what we’ll face up the road… etc etc? ANYTHING you care to share will help us, and we would be very grateful for any advice given.

Thank you in advance for your time, and for being the help you are to so many people!

Dear “J,” again, apologies that I’m just now getting this (curse you, Facebook!!) I want you to know how touching I thought this note was. I can tell through your words that you are genuinely in love, and congratulations for finding such a beautiful woman (yes; I stalked your FB page!).  Now about your problem: I see a twofold (possibly threefold) issue. First, let’s talk about your location on the redneck end of Florida. Region plays a big part in the success and failure of interracial relationships, which is why I encourage people to live in more diverse and liberal areas if they can at all help it. Your girlfriend lives in Miami where I know for a fact the swirling is a bit more commonplace, so a move closer to your love might be something to consider since it appears things are getting serious (your note was dated a year ago and she’s still your girlfriend on FB).

Secondly from your own description, you are an open-minded guy who just happened to fall in love with a black woman, and judged her upon her inner and outer beauty, and that is the way it should be. But there no doubt will be those people who will come along and think or say hurtful things about the woman you love, and it will be up to you to be brave and strong and defend your lady’s honor, because that is what a MAN does. That doesn’t mean you go looking for trouble and engaging in physical confrontations–it’s best to avoid those altogether (we get into some detail on this issue in SWIRLING). When I say, “defend her honor” I mean, do so with the guy who assumes you’re dating her just for some jungle booty, and tell him you will not tolerate that kind of talk about the woman you love. It means when your parents warn you of how hard life will be because you love this woman, you tell them you that you love them and understand their concern, but this is the person you want to be with and that’s that. Third issue, build a circle of support to insulate you from the potential negativity you might experience, and limit your time with people who are unsupportive.

Finally “J,” just know that the world is changing, and these relationships are becoming more and more common. Just know that if you need encouragement and support, you can find plenty of it here at BB&W. You both are people of faith–God created us all, color and melanin are completely irrelevant to our creator. Enjoy the blessing and guard it.

Oh, and people PLEASE! If you have a question and want to reach out to me, hit me up at christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com. I don’t not want to feel like a schumck because I didn’t find your note a year later, umkay??

     I am a frequent reader of your blog and was able to read one of your latest posts regarding a book review on the Defining Decade. I turned 25 two months ago and I cannot tell you how much I have felt like I am in a mental tug of war. I am in my first year of law school and I know I want to be married. I am not sure I want children, but am open to the idea that I may change my mind. The missing ingredient is obviously the man.
     As a black woman in law school I have observed so many women my age or a few years younger, single or partnered with low value black guys. I know of none as yet who are interracially involved. I also noticed that many of the white women around my age are having a fairly easy time dating guys within the law school or are already engaged to be married. Another thing that I dare not say publicly, but there are black women in their thirties who have earned masters degrees and are also in the process of earning a J.D. who in my opinion are painfully single. The majority of whom are overweight. I do not want this to happen to me.
     I on the other hand have had luck on a few dates with only black men (they really are the only ones asking me out), but recently had to admit to myself that I have a preference for white and non-bm. I am in the Charlotte, N.C. area and think this may be why I rarely get approached by the white men. I am not sure about the racial dynamics in this part of the south as I only moved here for school.
     One side of me is saying move to Europe, I’ll have a much easier time finding (and being approached by) a non-bm who will be marriage minded. The other side of me says well, how on Earth can I up and move to Europe after I just started law school and am about to finish my first year? Which country? I am great with English and barely proficient in Spanish…language barriers may need to be worked on. All of this seems to have to happen within the next 5 years? I think it is possible, but it seems like a monumental task. Then I factor in my desire to have a career regarding politics and government. Much of this has to do with the American system. Not the European one as I am underexposed in that area. I look fit and am a healthy eater than most of my peers. But 30 is 30 no matter how healthy you are. Either way, I don’t mean to bore or confuse you. I just thought it might be good to share what goes on in the mind of a 20-something who realizes just how important the decisions I make now, in terms of my quality of life years from now. Thank you for all that you and your team do at Beyond Black & White.

Sincerely,

DC

DC, what a coincidence!  My father-in-law, who just so happens to be a judge, just read your letter. Unfortunately, he didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. There’s a few things I think are going on, and the most obvious is your location. Charlotte and Raleigh, North Carolina may be educational and business hubs, but go a mile outside the city and you’ll see a white pickup truck on ever corner and Confederate flag curtains hanging from kitchen windows. We have one member of the BB&W crew who lives in your area (The Working Home Keeper) who is interracially married, and I hope she’ll chime in and perhaps take you under her wing. You might also want to look into getting internships and summer jobs at law firms in more cosmopolitan cities like Austin, Washington, Dallas, Denver, Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, New York, Philadelphia or the DMV areas.

Living in a conservative region is a good argument for online dating, too. Truth be told, there may be tons of men at your school who think you’re attractive but are too afraid of the pressure and social consequence to pursue these relationships in the open, especially in the South. That’s why it’s easier for your white female counterparts are having less trouble hooking up with potential life mates compared to other races. If it’s any consolation, ANY minority–black, Asian, Latino–is often seen as a bizarre match in the South. Some of these folks are just stuck in a time warp. If you are in such a place, dating sites like AfroRomance, InterracialDatingCentral, and OKCupid have great track records in interracial matching. In fact, take a look at Gabe and Tia, who met on OKCupid and  live in the Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill area. “The site is really popular here among graduate and phd students, as well as young professionals,” Tia told me.

Take a look at how they met and how much they love each other:

In short, you don’t have to leave the country to find your rainbeau. There’s plenty here in the United States who would like to make your their missus. You need to be more proactive (and creative) in your search.

Okay crew, have at her!

Got a question? Hit me up at christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com

Here is my question…
(A little background).  I am an african american professional (doctor).   I am 32 year old.  I am single.  Up until about 3 years ago, I had not even considered dating outside my race.  That changed once I realized I am just waiting around pointlessly.  About 1 year ago, a friend of mine told me about an entire movement aimed at bringing together Asian men and Black women.  I had to admit to her that it never even crossed my mind that black women and Asian men would date… mostly because I thought that Asian people tended to prefer to stay in their race (or if they did date outside the race, they chose Caucasians).

I have to say despite overcoming the large barriers I had once had to dating outside of my race, I still am not really being approached by anyone.  In fact, I was briefly on christianmingle and found that when my race was “black” I got very little activity. When my race was “other” I got more views.
I guess I am wondering how exactly it is that I meet someone (any race) that that is mature and grounded and employed and not … well, crazy who is a Christian man (before you say church… I looked there already along with the other 1000+ single women in my congregation… they aren’t in my church)??????????????

I would appreciate any help/advice/thoughts you can offer!!!!

Okay ladies, dish!

Here’s the question I received:

Dear Christelyn,I am an introverted , somewhat shy, Black  girl interested in interracial dating. I am a freshman in college and I have noticed my tendency to be scared of the male populace. This is a distressing matter for me because I would like to have a boyfriend sooner than later. I’ve never had one. Matter of fact, I’ve never been close with a guy as friends or other wise. I’ve liked White guys in college but I’m not sure if they’d want to date me. Their is this blonde guy that sits in my Anthropology class. Most of our class interactions consists of me staring/looking at him and him staring/looking at me. I think he’s a nice guy. I don’t even know his name but I want to know him! The way he interacts in class and with the teacher is admirable. I’m thinking of approaching him next week but I’m not sure how to do it. What is the right way to do these types of things? Should I approach him at all?

What say you, BB&W?