Beyond Black & White http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Thu, 19 Apr 2018 05:08:06 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.5 QOTW: My Daughter’s Father Doesn’t Want Her to Like Non-Black Boys http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-daughters-father-doesnt-want-like-non-black-boys/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-daughters-father-doesnt-want-like-non-black-boys/#respond Tue, 27 Feb 2018 17:34:39 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=43921 I received this note from a fan… Hi Christelyn! I need some advice…So I have a 6 year old daughter & we live in a majority white community. I love it. Anyway, a little white boy has a crush on her (their first kindergarten crush! It’s harmless & cute lol). Her dad (my ex) AND […]

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I received this note from a fan…

Hi Christelyn! I need some advice…So I have a 6 year old daughter & we live in a majority white community. I love it. Anyway, a little white boy has a crush on her (their first kindergarten crush! It’s harmless & cute lol). Her dad (my ex) AND my dad found out because he gave her chocolates & drew a picture of them for Valentine’s Day. They have started “grooming” her for black love & telling her to stay away from white boys. Her dad even told her that she’s going to grow up & marry a black man like him (mind you this man isn’t even married with 2 kids by 2 different women). I was pissed. I explained to her that she can marry any man that loves her & takes good care of her. Listen, she’s only SIX and they’re trying to groom my daughter to stick to black love. Now, she’s just a child, but I’m sick of how black men indoctrinate black women and little black girls to stay in this toxic culture. I joined the pink pill for her because one day when she’s older I want her to understand that she has options. I married a black man, however, I don’t want her to limit her options like I did while dating. I love my dad & she has a great dad so I’m not going to cut them off. What can I do to stop this? They are standing strong in their beliefs.

Then she offered a little bit more background…

I wanted to add a little more information for context. My dad has two children…my older brother & me. Before I left for college my dad specifically told me “don’t bring no white boy home” since I went to a PWI. My brother is with a white woman & they have 3 little boys. The family accepted her immediately. I have been resentful for a long time because of that double standard. Also, her dad has another child with a Mexican girl. I remember telling him once “I thought you were so pro-black love” & he explained that Mexicans are people of color who share our struggle too. I was so confused about that… I should’ve taken the pink pill a long time ago lol


Here’s my take…

The conditioning to only desire, date and aspire to marry black men starts early. It’s one of the reasons why black women have and continue to be resistant to the idea of interracial dating, despite the acknowledgement black boys and men date, mate and marry whomever they please. The double standard is so incredibly glaring.

The conditioning of this normalcy of hypocrisy begins so early in our young girls’ lives that it is often not questioned. A father, whose daughter seeks his love and approval, does not immediately question his desire to hamstring her romantic options while she goest to a predominately white institution. We often never even ask the question…”Why is my father warning me away from a young man that could potentially love and cherish me, while I watch non-black girls date whomever they want and get a head start on marriage prospects? Why does my father not acknowledge that the very men he is forcing me to stay loyal to are dating and mating interracially at double the rate that black women, and express no such reciprocal loyalty towards me?”

We don’t question it because of the incident that happened above. I often wonder…do fathers like this really love their daughters? Because my father would have NEVER ordered me to only date black men. He wanted me to find a man who loved and cherished me, regardless of race. How can you say you love a child that you are grooming to be another sacrifice for the black community? Why can’t this father be happy that his little girl is being loved and admired by a nice little boy?

How can loving fathers of black daughters be so incredibly selfish, knowing full well what lays ahead for them?

My advice to the mother is this: You tell your daughte in no uncertain terms that she is free to like or love any boy that respects her, thinks she’s beautiful, and treats her kindly, NO MATTER WTF COLOR HE IS. If you have to keep valentine’s gift and chocolates away from that bigoted father, DO IT. Bigotry and deliberate sabotage of your baby’s relationship choices trumps his fragile, hypocritical ego. Simply do not discuss these issues with him. He is wrong, and what he is doing is damaging to your daughter’s psyche. Do what you need to do to prevent your daughter from being offered up as another sacrifice at the alter of black male worship.

Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our YouTube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog

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QOTW: “How Can I Help My Mother Get Over Her Heartbreak Over Black Men?” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-can-help-mother-get-heartbreak-black-men/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-can-help-mother-get-heartbreak-black-men/#comments Wed, 06 Dec 2017 05:22:11 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=43624 Got this note from a 24 year old concerned daughter… Hi Christelyn, I am currently in Las Vegas with my mom and last night while we were watching a tv show, there was an IR relationship featuring a black man and white women who were expecting a baby ( they were teenagers really, its a […]

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Got this note from a 24 year old concerned daughter…

Hi Christelyn,

I am currently in Las Vegas with my mom and last night while we were watching a tv show, there was an IR relationship featuring a black man and white women who were expecting a baby ( they were teenagers really, its a show like “16 and Pregnant” 😣). My mom observed that the black guy was taking better care of his white girlfriend (in a teenagery way) than she sees black guys take care of black women.

We didn’t watch the whole show, but she started telling me about how she feels about BM/WW. relationships BECAUSE I asked her. I wanted to know her opinion. This is when I realized how hurt she still is over those relationships and she has a right to be. She told me about one of her white female co-workers who is married to a black man and that they have a successful marriage (it seems) because the black man is BUILDING for her by dojng well in stocks and havjng money and security set up for her and their family. It seems like the white lady bragged about it from what my motber told me because my mom said she just asked her about stocks (because she is a player in stocks) and the white lady went on to brag about how her husband has everything taken care of and more.

But my mom started telling me how black guys doing more for non black women hurts her still. After I listened I jumped in to give my opinion about how I literally don’t care if black men date or marry out because I have always had options anyway (we both know my future husband will most likely be White or non black and she actually supports that FOR ME .)

But when I jumped in to give my opinion, I don’t realize that it my sudden action was offensive to her ( me talking about how I don’t care). She stated that she was offended and “you asked me my opinion”. So I apologized and continued to listen. Long story short, i am realizing fully (because she brought these feelings up before) how hurt she still is that BM really don’t care or build for BW and their community.

My mom and I are very close and she has NEVER had anyone else besides me have her back like that accepts for a few friends, especially not my dad who I will admit was scum ( he passed on in late 2015). Her parents never taught her to look for the best man out there for her and she ended up in a bad marriage to a guy who never cared for her. She doesn’t want that for me so she supports and encouraged me to date and marry out due to the chances of me being better treated will be higher…..but BM still hurt her.

She wants to get married again still. I told her that I can easily see her with a Jewish man because she partly grew up around them and one other BFF’s is Jewish or abLayini man since she moved to California because she is fully Jamaican American and they would have common cultural factors. She is open to IR dating or marriage but it is still difficult because she is used to seeimg herself with Black men only. I don’t get too judgy on that feeling of hers because she was born in 1958 where she would tell me that nkbody even thought knce about bejng with non black men when she grew up. “Either you go to the prom with a Black man or you didn’t go at all” she once said about her growing up. Lol. So she grew up differently than you me and KSC.

And she will be 60 years old next year and for her birthday I am surprising her by taking her on a 9 day trip to Europe (Paris, England and Ireland). I really hope that trip will help her come out of her shell and help her realize she is deserving of better. And i know she will love the trip because sbe has been saying she wants to go somewhere far off on a train and stuff. Lol.

I am writing you this just because even though I am focusing on myself and my future (and dating life) it still hurts me to see my mom this way because I know she has been hurt all her life and hasn’t had much support. Many BW havent and that hurts her more. I am actually very angry about this. That’s why I am writing to you about how I should take this situation? My mom made it clear she wants me to marry well and have a successful career and life because she raised me on the way that she wasn’t raised, and raised me to explore all these different opportunities and to be open minded.

But what about women like her who want better for themselves but to me still seem to struggle with what the BM has done or really isn’t doing?

Here’s my take…

The truth is, Black women have been sold a bill of goods. Up until very recent history, it was literally engrained into little black girls heads from birth that the only natural partner for her is a black man.  But we all know that, with black men inter marrying at twice the rate Black women are, they haven’t seemed to have gotten the memo. There’s a certain level of betrayal older black women feel about all this.

While many of them celebrate their daughters entertaining all of their choices in dating out, I’m sure some part of them feels like they were robbed of the same opportunity. There is disillusionment. There’s anger. And then there’s a fear that they will never be able to shed their feelings and indoctrination, and so there’s helplessness too.

The best way to help your mom is by showing her that it’s not too late. In fact, online dating is an excellent way to meet older people of various races who are open to dating. She would be a prime candidate for interracialdatingcentral.com! You can make it fun. On your trip to Europe, have her take cool pictures of herself made up looking happy and enjoying herself for future profile pictures. Talk her up about it. Get her comfortable with the possibility. Once she sees that it’s not too late her attitude, will become more hopeful.

Good luck, and you’re good daughter.

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What I Means When a Guy You Just Met Sends You Porn. http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/means-guy-just-met-sends-porn/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/means-guy-just-met-sends-porn/#comments Mon, 02 Oct 2017 05:55:57 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=43333 It happens more than you think, and there’s a reason why some men do this. https://youtu.be/8hHcif6NdUI When a guys sends you porn or inappropriate pictures early in the getting-to-know-you stage, you might think the proper response is to tell him that you don’t like it and not to do it again. Wrong. What you’ve taught […]

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It happens more than you think, and there’s a reason why some men do this.

https://youtu.be/8hHcif6NdUI

When a guys sends you porn or inappropriate pictures early in the getting-to-know-you stage, you might think the proper response is to tell him that you don’t like it and not to do it again. Wrong. What you’ve taught the creep is that he can do something completely unreasonable, and while you may be upset, you won’t totally leave him.

This is a classic maneuver of people with borderline personality disorder or outright sociopathy. The goal is is to test your limits so they can eventually cross them. Shocking you with outrageous things like pornography and then making light of it or calling you a prude is all part of the process of priming you for the horror to come. Think about it–would a really nice guy who was looking to settle down with a nice girl like you and have you be the mother to his 2.5 kids send you S & M photos of two guys going at it with balls strapped inside their mouths? (I mean, unless you’re into that sort of thing…)

The type of man that wants to shock you eventually wants to numb you to future outrageous acts. You expressing shock or dismay is another opportunity for him to put you down about how tight and frigid you are, and how this stuff is really “normal” and you just need to get with the program.

This stuff needs to be heading off at the pass with no second thoughts or second chances, especially if you’re dealing with men online that you need to vet and sort the treasures from the trash.

We’ll be focusing more on online dating as the fall season makes way for the holiday season, so make sure you pick up your FREE copy of my mini book, Online Dating…Glamorously.

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QOTW: Do You Think You Feel Entitled to More Than What You Get? http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-think-feel-entitled-get/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-think-feel-entitled-get/#comments Mon, 18 Sep 2017 04:15:54 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=43262 Multiple kids, but wants a hot single guy. Overweight with man boobs, but wants a Playboy model. Never finished college, wants someone who makes eleventy figures. Has a face only a mother could love, wants the model.   The list goes on and on, and I’ve heard and seen it all. https://youtu.be/eFy-8TQ4DvE Follow Christelyn on […]

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Multiple kids, but wants a hot single guy.

Overweight with man boobs, but wants a Playboy model.

Never finished college, wants someone who makes eleventy figures.

Has a face only a mother could love, wants the model.

 

The list goes on and on, and I’ve heard and seen it all.

https://youtu.be/eFy-8TQ4DvE

Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our You Tube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog

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QOTW: “How Can I Support My People in an Interracial Marriage?” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-can-support-people-interracial-marriage/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/qotw-can-support-people-interracial-marriage/#comments Mon, 31 Jul 2017 15:29:54 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=42987 The note… I’m a 27y/o stay at home wife/new mom, I’ve been subscribed to your channel for a few years now. I am married to a Ukrainian-American man who was adopted by Americans & came to US at age 11. We have a child together. My man is so supportive (we support each other) not […]

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The note…

I’m a 27y/o stay at home wife/new mom, I’ve been subscribed to your channel for a few years now. I am married to a Ukrainian-American man who was adopted by Americans & came to US at age 11. We have a child together. My man is so supportive (we support each other) not just of me as an individual but, he’s interested in supporting the black community as well; mainly due to his people’s background with Russia, he understands oppression.
Anyway Chris, I am writing to you for a few reasons. As a black woman I am very much interested in advancing impoverished black communities across America (as I said my husband supports me in this) but, get some kick back when a very FEW ignorant blacks tell me I cannot want to support blacks while being married to a nonblack. I know this is a ridiculous comment….
Also, I would just like your advice on a few things. 
What do you think is the best way for impoverished black communities to heal themselves/ourselves? I feel we let our locally elected officials get by w/ineffective leadership. I feel our local churches could do more to help but, honestly I’m very new to this topic & certainly am lacking details. I just wanted to ask you very quickly before I delve deeply into some books on the topic. 
Why is it successful blacks do not speak much of giving back in terms of urban development, etc.? 
Do you have any thoughts on this?….I do know you are NOT an urban developer nor are you from an impoverished black neighborhood. 
I just relate to you well and am wondering if you have any thoughts on this very real ordeal that has started to haunt me….literally lol. 
I want blacks of all backgrounds to stand for our most unfortunate counterparts, whether or not we are married to another black.
I do not want those growing up in ghettos to feel left behind, abandoned or even forgotten in their disillusioned disposition of inferiority.
And most importantly I feel if competent, capable blacks rally together & begin to turn around our own communities we will be more respected on not just a national scale but, also a world wide scale. 
Sorry, I do not mean to take up so much of your time. 
Thank you for the uplifting message you give to us black women, as no one else is doing this. Yes, we must stand for ourselves and make lemonade of the sour lemons we’ve been dealt but, hey that is why we are intelligent, competent, beautiful and willing!
God bless you Christelyn! 🙂
Here’s my take…

Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our You Tube channel. And if you want to be a little more about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog

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BB&W Success! Here’s What Happens When You Follow QOTW Advice! http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/bbw-success-heres-happens-follow-qotw-advice/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/bbw-success-heres-happens-follow-qotw-advice/#comments Thu, 22 Jun 2017 15:34:41 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=42784 Just this morning I got this note, and I smiled from ear to ear. Hello again! First of all I’d like to send a million thank you’d to you and the people who read your blog. You wrote about me a few years ago and gave me some great advice and I’m happy to say […]

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Just this morning I got this note, and I smiled from ear to ear.

Hello again!
First of all I’d like to send a million thank you’d to you and the people who read your blog. You wrote about me a few years ago and gave me some great advice and I’m happy to say I’m in a committed relationship with plans to be married soon to an amazing man that treats me better than i could ever imagine! I am now 27 he is 29 and we both live in Dallas, TX. I am the medical student that had a hard time being approached by men, just to jog your memory. Here are some pictures and I hope it brings you joy to know you helped me so much and helped me to learn more about myself and others. Thank you so much again and I hope to hear from you soon!!
Now, to put this into perspective, we’re going to have to go back in time and look at her original note to me.

I’ve just stumbled upon your YouTube page and have recently visited your website and I’m so glad to have found you. I have some questions as to why I don’t seem to get approached by men.

I am a 25 year old grad student applying to med school this year and I’m active in my church as well as stay physically active and have a pretty busy life. I’m interested in interracial dating but I’m clueless on how to go about it. Any help would be so greatly appreciated. I mainly would like to know where I can go to meet some great guys that are open to it. I like in Atlanta, GA. I know I know the south isnt a good place for that kind of thing but I have seen many many interracial couples when I am out and about and would like to know how I can get one. Lol thanks and I hope to hear from you very soon.

My reply:
GIRL! It is a SIN that you don’t have anyone. First, you need to buy my book: “Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed.” Then you need to heed the advice from the young ladies, because I’m about to post this question on the blog.
Here is our writer today…
Congrats to the happy couple! 
Follow Christelyn on Instagram and Twitter, and subscribe to our You Tube channel. And if you want to be a little more serious about this online dating thing, InterracialDatingCentral is the official dating site for this blog.

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