Hi, I’m a 19 years old and I’m very interesting in swirling I have had interest in white guys before but never really made an attempt at dating them because I figured they don’t date black girls, but right now I have a predicament I really like this guy I think he likes me but some of the black boys tell me that he is just trying to be nice that white guys don’t like black girls, and my brother knows I like this guy and he told me if I date a white guy he is going to disown me I just don’t know what to do. Thank you for listening.

Here’s my take…

What say you, BB&W Crew?

I consider most people who marry interracially, progressive and out of the box thinkers.  I did not know that there were actual categories of people who chose to marry interracially until I came across this post online.  Evidently there are select categories that most of us fall into who date and marry out.  We are:  outcasts, rebels, mavericks, compensators, adventurers, escapists, and unstables.

The outcasts are those people who do not feel comfortable with their race because they don’t agree with the norms. They are often questioning why they have to do certain things, and are not happy because they don’t fit in with the social groups of their race. The outcast will usually find a culture within another race that appeals to their needs. This provides the outcasts with the opportunity to marry interracially and begin a family within a different racial context.

The rebels are those people who disagree with the basic values, beliefs, and politics of their race. For them marrying outside of their race is not only a form of a long-life commitment to another person, but it is also a long life commitment to a form of protest. They disagree with one or more aspects of their race and they don’t care what anyone around them might think if they marry outside of their race.

The maverick may be seen as the non-conformist. People in this group are usually independent. Although the people within their race usually accept them, they would rather not belong to the “in group.” For the majority of the time these people are sufficiently detached to the different aspects of their race that they are happier not belonging to it, much less belonging to the “in group.” Marrying interracially allows the maverick to feel freed of the pressures to join and conform to the values, beliefs, politics, etc. of a race that they do not accept.

The compensator is the person who is always looking for their “other half.” These are the people who feel incomplete by themselves, who do not want to be alone, and long for a loving relationship. This may not sound exclusively for people who marry interracially, but it is because this type of compensator is under the belief that they can only find what they need with a partner from a different race. The compensator attributes the deficiencies in their life to their race. Many times the compensator belongs to a broken family where neither of the parents is present, physically nor emotionally. The compensator is not negative about their own race they are just under the impression that someone from a different race can provide what they feel they are missing.

The adventurer is the person who is always daring to be different. Adventurers marry interracially because they need the excitement from those who are different to them. They are risking their life with a race that is unknown to them, they don’t want a predictable relationship instead they want a marriage that will stimulate their life and make them feel special. Many adventurers cross all boundaries: race, class, religion, age, etc. Each additional difference makes the marriage and their life more exciting.

The escapist is the person who marries outside of their race in order to improve the quality of their life. The escapist may be marrying a different race to move up the social or economic ladder, they marry for the benefits. The majority of interracial marriages include some type of trade off between the parties involved.

Unstables can be described by deviance. They marry outside of their race to defy authority. The authority they are usually trying to defy is their parents. Once they marry outside of their race the family will consider them to be abnormal and unstable people. Not many people marry under this type of circumstance, but it does happen.

The article covers the history of interracial marriage, these categories, stages of marriage and some possible issues of biracial children.  But I was drawn to these seven categories as I found it odd to be categorized.  But I guess it is not so strange.  To be fair the writer said that people who marry interracially are not limited to these categories and its a good thing because I don’t see myself in any of them.  I don’t see my husband in any either but I can say that I recognize a couple of them in the some of the categories.  Do any of you in BB&W land really see yourselves under one of these seven labels?  Do tell.

Like most gainfully employed Americans, I am having a hard time finding a way to maintain a desirable work-life balance. After doing my taxes I realized that I somehow managed to survive 2012 making considerably less than my previous salary as an assistant professor, which wasn’t all that much to begin with. The reality check was getting me down until I remembered how totally awesome it was being un/under/self-employed in many other aspects. It was so reassuring that I could go back to freelancing so quickly. Despite all the sacrifices I had to make, now that I’m back to working regular hours in addition to my freelance projects my leisure and personal time has all but vanished. At least I’ve been making some progress in my career goals which is a lot more than I can say about my Love Quest.

Let’s face it, my attempts at online dating have been a giant fail and it became my only resource once I got too busy to try anything else. It is undoubtedly time for a new approach, so I decided to take a closer look at Matthew Hussey. (Seriously, what woman wouldn’t want a closer look at those twinkling blue eyes, that dazzling smile and totally ripped bod? It would be nearly impossible to concentrate on a word he said if it wasn’t for that sexy British accent.) I was sorry to hear Ready for Love was cancelled so quickly. It’s not the kind of programming I normally watch, but I checked out the first few episodes anyway. Hussey could have been the break-out star of the show. His no-nonsense, straightforward approach sort of likened him as the Simon Cowell of the dating coaches only with a lot more charm. I was already becoming hooked on Hussey after he offered two week’s access to part of his comprehensive online training program for $1 just for filling out a questionnaire on his blog about online dating, I was skeptical, but I had to admit that his sales pitch was pretty compelling.

“Hello, I’m Matthew Hussey . . . I’d like to ask you question . . . Do you ever find you never seem to meet any great guys?”

-       Sometimes Matthew, but they have been few and far between.

“Do you always seem to get attention from the guys you don’t want?”

-       Always. I have no trouble getting that kind of attention at all.

 “I’m sure by now you’re sick of hearing the same old clichés:  people telling you to just be yourself, people telling you it will happen for you when the time is right.”

-       Or you’ll meet someone when you stop looking. I really hate that one.

“You’re sick of men never living up to your expectations of them. Or worse, you’ve heard the same excuses so many times that you feel like you don’t even HAVE expectations of them anymore.”

-       Sad but true. That is precisely how I feel right now.

“My guess is that you thought your love life would look differently by this point . . . and the only thing worse than that thought is the idea that one year from now it’ll be the exact same way. Am I right?”

-       OK, now you’re kind of freaking me out. It’s like you’ve been reading my mind!!!

“This video is going to show you the EXACT steps to finding, attracting and keeping the man you want.”

-       You had me at hello. Where do I sign?

Well, I was all ready to sign but given my current financial situation, $69 a month for five more months of training is way out of my budget. If his program could actually improve my love life as quickly as he claims, it would be well worth the money. I’ve easily spent that much or more on all the books, online dating subscriptions, new clothing, etc., but if I’m not more careful with my budget, I might be finding out what it’s like to “get the guy” while homeless. I had to settle for the limited access I had to his program and I downloaded the audiobook version of his Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve. This way I could continue listening to his lovely voice and I would feel less like my life was wasting away during my long commute.

After listening to his book, I can clearly see where I’ve gone wrong in the past. The Get the Guy formula for creating deep and lasting attraction is: Visual Chemistry + Perceived Challenge + Perceived Value + Connection. I consider myself to be a high value woman and I don’t seem to have much problem with creating visual chemistry, but as soon as I feel a connection with a man, I totally drop the ball in presenting him with a perceived challenge. Because I so rarely connect with anyone, I will either become too accommodating or too aggressive by which I inadvertently drive the man away. I’ve also spent far too much time hoping I will meet someone by chance. However, even when I do go out, I am usually seated at table with my Meetup group or bitching with a girlfriend or two at a bar about how hard it is to meet someone special. Instead, I should be focusing more on events and activities that will help me meet more men. On a positive note, Hussey says it’s possible that a simple millimeter shift in my behavior can make all the difference.

Sometimes Hussey’s advice does seem to be a little one-sided at times, but he does seem to be on our side. He makes it perfectly clear that a guy isn’t worthy of your time or affection unless he treats you like a goddess. He also believes you should never, ever settle- especially when you’re feeling defeated, so I decided not to give Big Daddy another chance. I do wish I had handled many of my other past relationships much differently, but the best I can do now is learn from my mistakes and move on.

Are there any other Matthew Hussey fans out there? Have you watched his show or read his book? What did you think?

Even if we disagree – we have had a couple of those – we always be sure to respect and really objectively consider the other’s opinion.  Look, any two people will disagree about something at times.  She and I are really very compatible though, and we always get it resolved between us quickly.  I hate to argue about anything anyway.  We are both really mellow and laid-back.  Personality-wise, we are really alike in many ways.  She is a bit quieter, I am a bit goofier and cornier.  I love to reflect, often, on how different (and I am not just talking race, although that is a big part) we are and yet at the same time just so perfectly compatible.

I do not believe in the concept of “soul mates”.  No offense to those that do, but I just do not believe that there is one other person on the Earth the we are destined to be with that we may or may not get to be with… yada yada yada….  However, I do believe that there are others with whom we can find much love, joy, and happiness if we end up together.  Bee and I love to marvel at how we were brought together.

So when you are dating…. Does that mean that you have to always go out?  No.  We will do an occasional movie (LOVED 42, by the way) or something like that, we will go grab a meal somewhere every now and then (and it is so nice to be out together in public).  But our favorite thing to do is just cuddle on the couch and watch TV together.  Bless her heart, my baby will often sit with me and watch when I want to watch sports (Red Wings… Tigers….  ) as we just hold each other and cuddle.  OK, I am fair, I watch her shows with her as well.  Sometimes she will fall asleep and nap with her head on my shoulder.  Sometimes I take a nap up against her.  We might just be there sitting with our heads against each other.  Many more times I like to nuzzle her head…. Breathe deeply… rub my cheek against her head.  What a perfect date that is.  Especially if we have some diet Mountain Dew (yes, I know… it is just liquid caffeine..) at hand.  People joke sometimes about being a cheap date?  THAT is a cheap date, and yet wonderful.  Heck, even the kids usually leave us alone.

What a wonderful ride…..

But is this notion the truth? Are white guys giving their best years to white women, then after the kids and divorce, moving towards something different and new? Not necessarily. Ladies we are living at the cusp of a major shift in BW/WM relationships, and what we are seeing isn’t men choosing their second choice, but finally feeling free to pursue what they probably have wanted all along.

Think about it. A person in their 40′s and 50′s has seen the world change A LOT. Twenty years ago is was about as weird to see a white man married to a black woman as it was to see a purple unicorn walking down Wall Street. The social consequence for both the males and females were pretty steep, and most people just weren’t up for the challenge. Bucking the norm takes some steel-reinforced cajones. But now that you can’t really thrown a stone far enough not to hit an interracial couple, more and more non-black men are realizing for the first time that black women are available to them for serious relationships without the crushing social consequences of yesteryear.

I decided to do a little research and ask two beloved members of the BB&W Crew, Jeff and Paul, to give their take. They are both seeing black women and have kids from a previous marriage. I think you’ll find what they have to say quite enlightening.

Continued…

I am active on four online dating sites: POF.com, Match.com, AfroRomance.com, and SeniorsMeet.com. I will be posting periodically about different aspects of my online dating experience, but I will not be giving any details about the resulting dates unless the woman gives permission. There have not been any yet, but there would have been one if my mother had not gotten sick. No, it was not sabotage — she had no idea. She has dementia and is incapable of taking care of her self when she is sick.

In a later post, I’ll contrast those four sites and a few I rejected. In this post, we are going to critique the main text part(s) of my profiles with the aim of improving them and/or helping others create their own. In further posts, we will discuss other aspects of my profiles, strategies for men using online dating to find BW, and how to sort through the ladies’ profiles.

The following is the “About Me” part of my “Plenty of Fish” online dating profile. It is the same as the “About Him…” part of my  “Match.com” online dating profile except that one on Match.com doesn’t have the first and last lines, so it can fit into the 4000 character limit. Ignore the Green and Brown coloration for now.

Welcome to my profile.

Please, it’s pointless for women far away (more than 60 miles away from the Saint Paul, Minnesota) or too young (born after 1974) to contact me. Just don’t.

I am a kind non-controlling man looking for a long term relationship with a mature woman who is warm, curious, deep, nature-loving, and culturally different from me, but not rigidly religious. I like unusual people. Open to any race, or healthy body type. Totally unconcerned about height. I never had children, so I actually like the opportunity to be a step-dad or step-grandpa. You must like dogs, but you don’t have to be crazy about them.

The women I have connected with in the past have had these qualities in common: intelligent, confident, a little edgy, caring, adventurous, fun, sensual, humorous, flexible, independent and responsible. They did not look like each other, sound like each other, or share a theme in their interests or jobs. So I care about certain qualities, not details.

I’m a guy, so I look at the pictures, but I also read every profile carefully. I wish some people would write more. There are a lot of great women here. It took me a while to write my profile because I wanted to do it carefully and clearly. I see a lot of frustration in the profiles of some women, and I’m sure it’s justified. There are not enough men interested in serious relationships with women their age to go around, which gives them (and me) unearned power. Some of us men use this imbalance to play games. The rest of us have character.

I have a loving personality. This means I am affectionate, accepting, attentive, patient, empathetic, & loyal, plus I share sensuality. I am flexible and do well in novel situations and with people who are very different from myself.

I am intelligent (a little nerdy) and easily bored by routine, but I can entertain myself. This makes me interesting, but also lost in the clouds sometimes. I am adventurous when I get the chance to explore. I need my environment to change moderately often, and for my experiences to be novel once in a while, but I am constant in my personal relationships. I have five happy dogs and love dogs of all kinds.

Despite my kinda lumberjack appearance, I have been a feminist all my life, which merely means that I believe women should be empowered to the same level as men. This doesn’t mean I think women are the same as men, or want exactly the same things.

I consider myself to be spiritual without religion. You don’t have to be the same, but you have to be at peace with that, because it won’t change.

I cared for my grandparents at the end of their lives, and I have been caring for my parents for 5 years. Recently, my parents have become a full-time responsibility. I also have worked with disabled adults through a previous job. My mom and dad will likely transition to institutional care in less than a year, which will allow me to go back to full time web development. 

“The secret of [success] is sincerity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
~~ George Burns

I am a master of the sincere soft sell, and more interested in you than me. It’s my natural personality. I couldn’t do a hard sell to save my life. So I might converse for a while before asking for a date. That’s because I am serious about this, not because I am shy.

A little truth. People who try online dating are people who have some attribute or two (good, bad, or neutral) that sets a barrier to connecting in the real world. Too tall, too short, overweight, too smart, newcomer, uncommon ethnicity, burdened with a stereotype, a certain age, nerdiness, too successful (or not), single parenthood, dependent parent(s), remote location, politics contrary to their surroundings,medical issues, introversion, quirky tastes, creative, disability, too busy, unusual spirituality, food restrictions, etc. etc. We are all dealing with our special circumstances. The good news: online is a good tool for us. The bad news: most of the people you meet will have issue(s) that you will have to deal with. If you are lucky, it will be an attribute you want anyway.

So be patient and honest with each other, and think carefully about what you can and cannot accept.

Thanks for stopping by.

My “AfroRomance” online dating profile breaks the same text into two sections. I put the Green text above into the “Who Am I?” section and the Brown text above into the “What Am I Looking For?” section. I also added this paragraph (taken right out of the “Interests” part of my POF profile) to the end of the “Who Am I?” section:

My interests: Outdoors, Dogs, Dining Out, Landscaping, Gardening, Cooking, Conversation, Travel, Chocolate, Photography, Wilderness, Science, History, Environment, Justice, Nature, Geography, Movies, Politics, Technology, Psychology, Medicine, Astrophysics, Behavior, Foosball, Trees, Reading, Public Radio, Activism, Hiking, Costa Rica, Africa.

And I inserted these two paragraphs, separately, into the “What Am I Looking For?” section to better target BW:

I desire an intelligent loving active relationship-seeking Black woman, or dark woman of color. This has always been my preference. I also enjoy the rich expressive voices and bold features most Black women have.

As a famous Minnesotan once said:
“♪♫ I just want your extra time, and your… Kiss.♪♫”

My “Seniors Meet” online dating profile breaks the same text into three sections, each with a rather tight 1250 character limit. This took some editing and some switching around to come up with these three essays:

A little about me…

I have a loving personality. This means I am affectionate, accepting, attentive, patient, empathetic, & loyal, plus I share sensuality. I am flexible and do well in novel situations and with people who are very different from myself.

I am intelligent (a little nerdy) and easily bored by routine, but I can entertain myself. This makes me interesting, but also lost in the clouds sometimes. I am adventurous when I get the chance to explore. I need my environment to change moderately often, and for my experiences to be novel once in a while, but I am constant in my personal relationships. I have five happy dogs and love dogs of all kinds.

Despite my kinda lumberjack appearance, I have been a feminist all my life, which merely means that I believe women should be empowered to the same level as men. This doesn’t mean I think women are the same as men, or want exactly the same things.

I consider myself to be spiritual without religion. You don’t have to be the same, but you have to be at peace with that, because it won’t change.

I am more interested in you than me. I couldn’t do a hard sell to save my life. So I might converse for a while before asking for a date. That’s because I am serious about this, not because I am shy.

About the one I’m looking for…

Please, it’s pointless for women far away (more than 60 miles from the Saint Paul, Minnesota) or too young (born after 1974) to contact me. Just don’t.

I’m a guy, so I look at the pictures, but I also read every profile carefully. I see a lot of frustration in the profiles of some women. There are not enough men interested in serious relationships to go around, which gives them (and me) unearned power. Some of us men use this imbalance to play games. The rest of us have character.

I am a kind non-controlling man looking for a long term relationship with a mature woman who is warm, curious, deep, nature-loving, and culturally different from me, but not rigidly religious. I like unusual people. Open to any race or healthy body type. Totally unconcerned about height. I never had children, so I actually like the opportunity to be a step-dad or step-grandpa. You must like dogs.

The women I have connected with in the past have had these qualities in common: intelligent, confident, a little edgy, caring, adventurous, fun, sensual, humorous, flexible, independent and responsible. They did not look like each other, sound like each other, or share a theme in their interests or jobs. So I care about certain qualities, not details.

I’d just like to add…

I cared for my grandparents at the end of their lives, and I have been caring for my parents for 5 years. Recently, my parents have become a full-time responsibility. I also have worked with disabled adults through a previous job. My mom & dad will likely transition to institutional care in less than a year, which will allow me to go back to full time web development.

A little truth. People who try online dating are people who have some attribute or two (good, bad, or neutral) that sets a barrier to connecting in the real world. Too tall, too short, overweight, too smart, newcomer, uncommon ethnicity, burdened with a stereotype, a certain age, nerdiness, too successful (or not), single parenthood, dependent parent(s), remote location, politics contrary to their surroundings, medical issues, introversion, quirky tastes, creative, disability, too busy, unusual spirituality, food restrictions, etc. We’re all dealing with our special circumstances. The good news: online is a good tool for us. The bad news: most of the people you meet will have issue(s) that you will have to deal with. If you’re lucky, it will be an attribute you want anyway.

So be patient and honest with each other, and think carefully about what you can accept.

SeniorsMeet.com also lets you write mini-essays on your top three interests picked from their list:

Nature and Outdoors

If one goes deep enough into the wilderness, the sounds, sights, and textures reveal a world organized by completely different principles than the sterile and radically minimalist one we have created for ourselves. Intricate and vulnerable in each detail, yet robust and resilient overall. And this is why we find nature to be beautiful. It is profoundly not about us, and not according our schedules, yet nourishes us spiritually nonetheless.

Cooking

Food is both basic to well-being and fascinating to play with. I am an improvisational cook. Sometime I experiment to see if I can get unlikely ingredients to cooperate, or to play a minor chord with several spices. Everything is considered: flavors, aromas, colors, textures, presentation, layering, harmony, nutrition, pairing, sometimes sound. I am not a gourmet, just a very good creative cook.

Education

The only thing more fun than learning is teaching. I know my hard sciences very well. I am competent in history and geography. I manage in the soft sciences. I dabble in the humanities. My brother got all the sports trivia and celebrity genes.

So friends, tear away.

I just wanted to write this article to encourage other 40 and over readers that it’s not too late to meet someone, fall in love and begin a relationship with a rainbeau.

I am 46 years old.  I am a single mother to a wonderful 17 year old daughter.  My daughter’s father is a rainbeau, so my introduction to interracial dating was not new.

He and I tried to make the relationship work, but we couldn’t.  Over the years, I had profiles on many dating websites.  Match.com, EHarmony, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid, and many interracial dating sites.  I dated my share of African American men and Caucasian men.  All I ever wanted was to experience what it would be like to be in a typical relationship with someone I cared about and who cared about me.  There were some close calls, but nothing where I could see myself saying I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with this person.  I would get my hopes up when I thought I met Mr. Right, only for it to crash and burn in the end.

Fast forward to March 7, 2012.  At that time, I had my profile on just two sites:  Match.com and OKCupid.  I had had some success on OKCupid, but nothing to write home about.  Through my e-mail, I saw where I received a response from TDon.  I moseyed over to the site to read the response.  To help you understand why I was so excited about his response, I have to explain to you what I wrote in my profile.  At the end of my profile, I wrote: Please only respond to my profile, if you are absolutely, positively interested in getting to know me, otherwise you are free to look at my lovely picture.  I wrote that because I got so tired of guys just sending a three worded message or a wink.  This was TDon’s response: Yes, you do have a lovely picture.  I love music, too.  Who are some of your favorite artists?  His response and his profile intrigued me and piqued my curiosity.  I looked at his profile.  He was cute!!!!  He was 49 years old.  He had been in the Air Force and was now retired.  He loved music as much as I did.  I was really intrigued by the fact that he liked Tyler Perry movies, even though he was white and that he liked R&B music and country music.  I liked what he had to say.  I wrote him back.

Of course, I am a Patti Stanger fan and a Rules girl, so I actually waited a whole day before I
e-mailed him back.  He wrote me back and told me about his two bi-racial daughters.  I thought, “Oh my goodness, he really does like black women, I wouldn’t be a jungle fantasy to him.  We e-mailed back and forth for a month, until we met for the first time in April.  He met me where I lived and we went out to eat.  That first date is one that I can’t really describe other than to say that I knew that he was the one.  I think it was the combination of our common interests and backgrounds and chemistry.  I didn’t want him to go home.

Our next date, we went to Talledega, Alabama to see a NASCAR race.  Now mind you, I have never been to a NASCAR race or to Talledega, but I would have gone anywhere to see TDon again.  I had the best time and Don did a great job of explaining the race to me.  He picked me up from my hometown to take me there and drove me all the way home.  Without wanting anything sexual from me.  It was such a relief to me.

After that date, there were many more dates, along with wonderful love letters and poems.  I always loved when Don would send me a video that reflected our relationship or how he felt.  I always knew exactly how he felt about me.  He is the sweetest, kindest man I have ever met.  He is a gentleman and always treated me like a lady.  I love him dearly and I can’t think of what life would be like without him.  It will be a year since we started dating and I’m just as smitten now as I was when we first met.

So, to the single women over 40 who are reading this:  Don’t give up.  If you just believe that you will find someone in your life, you will.  I truly believe in the power of positive thinking and positive energy.  It will happen for you.  And when it does, don’t run and hide from it.  Meet it head on.   So many times, we get stuck in our ways and we don’t want to allow someone wonderful in our lives, because we are afraid of what our family, friends and co-workers will say.  We always think that we can take care of ourselves.  But your life will be so much richer with someone to share it with.  Material things are nice, but they don’t encourage you, motivate you , love you and hug and kiss you back.  Put it out in the universe that you want love and it will come to you.  I wrote in my journal in 2011 of wanting a wonderful relationship with someone.  A year later, it happened.  I hope that everyone will get the opportunity to love like I do.

I’m exhausted. Between my full-time job at the Opera and the freelance gigs I do on the side, I’ve been putting in some really long hours.  When I am shopping for costumes I spend a lot of time searching for the “perfect thing.” Sometimes I think I’ve found the perfect thing until I get sticker shock from the price tag, can’t find one in the size that I need, or the item is sold out and permanently discontinued. Too often I waste my time searching for the perfect thing even after I’ve found something that would work fine and looks pretty good. Wasn’t it Voltaire who said “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good?” Lately I have been wondering if I need to take Voltaire’s advice when it comes to my quest for love.

Last Friday, there was so much traffic on my trip home to Baltimore from DC that I took a detour to do some last-minute shopping before my next day’s dress rehearsal.  I was starving by the time I finished, but the mall was closing so I browsed past the overcrowded chain restaurants around the movie theater to assess my choices. I was passing by the Pizzeria UNO when I thought I saw the man I’ve referred to in my early entries as Big Daddy, cornering a booth toward the back of the restaurant. To satisfy my curiosity, I popped in for a closer look and sure enough, there he was, joining a table full of people I recognized as members of our movie-goers Meetup. I had completely forgotten our Organizer had scheduled a Meetup that night to see The Call followed by a late meal at UNO’s, but what a happy coincidence! As the Organizer recounted to the new members the story of how I had introduced Big Daddy to the group, he slid his arm around the back of her chair – as certain men are want to do in tight quarters and in the company of women- but his action triggered an emotion inside me I was not at all expecting: jealousy!

He looked so handsome and he can be so charming. Why did he have to be the only man to show up at our Meetup that night? Everyone else seems to like him too. I was so touched when a bunch of our new Meetup friends went to see him perform in a play last year more than an hour away. I definitely know of at least one other single woman who has been giving him the eye. But there is no reason for me to feel jealous, right? After all, he did say that he had been interested in me since the day we met, almost two years ago working at the same summer theater in Ithaca. And when I pulled a muscle in my foot doing yoga he was the only person I knew to call, and he came over and calmed me down when I was sure I needed to go to the hospital.  Wasn’t he my date when we won both sexiest male and female at the pajama-themed Meetup brunch? And didn’t he call me when he scored free tickets to see Jason Mraz in concert at the Pavilion? He was also my “stand-in” kiss at midnight at our Meetup’s New Year’s Eve Party and the only person to at least send me an e-card on Valentine’s Day. . .

Oh my God. How foolish have I been?

I ended things with Big Daddy before they got too serious so I could continue searching for my perfect Mr. Right. Could it be that I’ve been so caught up in my search for the “perfect thing” that I’ve been overlooking Mr. Right-Under-My-Nose? Sure, he’s considerably older than the men I prefer to date, and I was totally aggravated by his passive-aggressive approach to romantic pursuits, but now that all of our cards are on the table, things could be completely different. Now I am wondering if I got so caught up in my own daddy issues and stuck on stupid with Boy Wonder that I wasn’t able to give our relationship a fair chance. I don’t have a burning desire to have kids and maybe he would actually consider remarrying if we were to come to that point in our lives. I think I want to give our romance another try, but I am also plagued with nagging doubts and fears. What if he actually is seeing someone else? Would he even be willing to give me a second chance after I rejected him the first time? Have my feelings for him changed simply because I’m lonely and miss having his attention? Am I settling after a year of searching because there really doesn’t seem to be any better options out there for me? Is he only more appealing to me when I think he might want someone else? Will I compulsively keep looking for the perfect even after I’ve found something pretty good? Will our friendship end completely once we cross the line like it did with Boy Wonder? I want to call him, but boy, am I conflicted in my mind.

What’s more is that my revelation about Big Daddy could not have come at a more inconvenient time. My next job will take me to St. Louis, MO from May to September, and I am supposed to be planning a date with someone I recently met online who seems very nice and totally sincere. This is one of those times I could really use some advice from a love mentor. What should I do? What should I do?

First let’s take a look at what inspired this post in the first place.

This, copied from the blog, In Flex We Trust:

And when he get on, he leave ya ass for a white girl. -Kanye West (who’s current girlfriend is Kim Kardashian)

The white girl topic is like the elephant in the room right now. Everyone sees it, but no one wants to acknowledge it. Well, since today is #WhiteGirlWednesday, I said why not acknowledge said elephant. So after the jump, here’s 10 reasons black men prefer white girls (if you’re offended, f#ck you and your feelings).

Officially Ice
10. White girls can get their hair wet. It’s summer time. Who wants to be at the pool with a girl who’ only concern is not getting her weave wet. White girls just jump in the pool without any care.

09. White girls don’t talk back. Put a little aggression in your voice and she will do whatever you say. That doesn’t fly with other races though. They wanna fight. Always.

08. It’ easier introducing them to your family/friends. “Everyone, this is Amber.” is WAY easier on the ears than, “Everyone, this is Shaniqua. Just saying.

07. White girls have WAY less restrictions in the bedroom than œother races. You can basically do whatever, wherever with them. And they’ll smile through it all.

06. White girls aren’t looking to be in a rap video. Meaning when y’all go out, she’s not looking for you to buy out the bar and light the club up with sparklers. She doesn’t care about any of that shit. She just wants her drinks and music.

05. White girls have no problem spoiling their men with gifts. The LOVE that shit! It’s an ego boost for them. (See Kim Kardashian’s birthday present to Kanye? Ok then.)

04. White girls don’t give you as many headaches as other races. There’s no nagging, complaining, and other annoying ass behavior. No running through your phone and wanting to know who such and such is.

03. White girls cater to and love to take care of their men. Cooking? No problem. Cleaning? No problem. Anything else you want? No problem.

02. You ever receive head from a white girl? I rest my case.

Which all really sums up my number 1 reason black guys prefer white women:

01. White girls are just more FUN. There’s no other way to put it. If you just want to have fun without any of the negative shit, get you a white girl.

—————

All stuff we’ve heard before, right? And black women are to do what, exactly with this information? Go die? Relegate ourselves to brood mares for black men so we can raise more sons to hate us and date and marry non-black women? Well, not if this blogger has anything to say about it.

In response to this tacky but “You know it’s true that they think that post,” Kia and Brenda found this little gem from MISSJIA:

I decided to write this blog after a blog link Cupid Shuffled it’s way across my timeline on Twitter. I immediately rolled my eyes after noticing the post was titled “Officially Ice’s 10 Reasons Black Guys Prefer White Girls”. This is a topic that’s discussed on Twitter damn near every day; why Black men feel White women are superior to… “other races”. After reading the blog, I decided to write a response. I thought to myself, “I wonder how Black men would react if the tables were turned?”, so here goes. Feelings will be hurt, feathers will be ruffled, fucks will not be given.

10. White men take care of their women. Not just emotionally, but financially, too. A lot of Black men come from broken homes and were raised by single mothers. They never saw a man helping their mother out financially, so they don’t see why they should help their woman out financially. To them, seeing a woman struggle is normal. They have that “my mother worked fifteen jobs to make ends meet, why can’t you?” mentality. White men on the other hand are more generous. Nine times out of ten, their woman doesn’t even have to ask for help, they just do it because that’s what real men do.

9. White men have family values. It’s not often that you’ll see White men with eleventeen “baby mamas” all over the place, unlike “other races”… oh, fuck it, unlike BLACK MEN. White men usually come from two parent homes. They grew up seeing their parents in loving marriages and with siblings that all have the same mother and father, and that’s what they one day hope to have.

8. White men know how to manage money. White men aren’t flashy. If you’re looking for a man with fantastic money management skills, get you a White man. White men believe in creating a nest egg or a cushion to fall back on. A White man will save, invest and grow his money. Most Black men don’t even have a savings account… but they got them J’s, though.

7. White men prefer that their woman stays home and will do anything to create a comfortable life for her. A White man will work hard to provide for his lady and his family so that they never want or need for anything. Black men aren’t having that. Again, you’re dealing with men who grew up seeing their mothers busting her ass to make ends meet. They never saw their mother as the “homemaker” or housewife… even if ever became a Wife, she probably didn’t have the luxury of not working and just taking care of home. With a White man, you have options. They love women that are ambitious and want to make her own money, so if she wants to work, she can… if not, that’s cool too. A White man can usually provide for himself and his woman, so her not wanting to work is never a problem. Also, White men are generous. They love to spoil their woman with anything her heart desires, unlike Black men who are usually asking their woman for money to get the latest sneakers.

6. White men know that there are ways to make a lot of money legally. You won’t catch a White man hugging the block or in the “trap”, unlike Black men who only aspire to become a rapper, ball player or drug dealer because those are the only occupations the men they admire have. White men go and get an education for themselves and eventually go on to pursue six figure careers. CAREERS. Not jobs, not hustles, CAREERS.

5. White men are very easy going and laid back. You won’t have to worry about getting smacked down to the ground because you two have a disagreement. You won’t be called out of your name or belittled for having a backbone.

4. White men are gentlemen. These days, Black men meet a woman and within a week, they’re trying to invite themselves over to her house (because they can’t have company at their mama’s house) and fuck. White men court the woman they desire. They will come to your door with flowers instead of texting you “come outside”, they will open the car door for you, take you out for a night on the town, bring you back home and will be satisfied with just that. They usually date to find their Wives and aren’t just trying to get a nut, so there’s no rush to get into your panties.

3. White men cater to their women. Waking up to breakfast in bed is nothing out of the ordinary. And while we’re on the subject of food, White men have no problem cooking for their woman. If she’s tired and says “Baby, can you please make dinner tonight?”, it’s not a problem. Men of “other races” are used to being babied, especially since most of them don’t leave the nest until they’re almost thirty. They don’t care if you had a long day, you better get in there and fry him the big piece of chicken.

Sent February 21, 2012…

Dear Mrs. Karazin,

I read your story ‘My Story: Jumping the Broom with a White Boy’; thank you so much for sharing your story, as it has given me a glimpse at what could be my future; or at least as my (love) life currently sits, I hope it can be. Too early to know, and I can’t tell the future, but alas:

I am in a wonderful, electrifying, beautiful, fulfilling, enriching, swept off my feet ( yet also) scary, unprecedented, and potentially family shattering situation… and I am looking for advice from anyone that has the ability and compassion to share it with me. I humbly ask you for any that you may have to offer me from what I write here (for which I apologize in advance for getting a bit longwinded); you would be helping me very much, and I would be eternally grateful and appreciative of your time.

My story as it sits.

I am a white man in my early twenties from Florida; more specifically, a 6th generation (on both my mother’s and father’s sides) ‘Florida Cracker’, meaning that I am a ‘cowboy’ that has a family history (and current job) of working with cattle. I get lumped into the ‘redneck’ category. I am not gloating and never will, but I am an example of such that sees a person for who they are inside, not outside, which from what I understand is somewhat rare/uncommon. In this regard, my dad and my brother (in his early thirties) are two more kindred examples, which of course helped shape me this way.

After dating around for the years after I graduated high school and finding little substance in those that I dated, I put finding a relationship on the back burner and decided to turn all of my energies towards my main passion; music. I figured that the right girl would turn up when the good Lord saw fit for me to notice her.

From what I can tell, this has happened.

I was ‘admired’ by a Jamaican woman (also in her early twenties) on a social networking site back in late 2010; we came to write to each other after having found out we both love music and certainly would love to have careers in it, both have substance and intelligence, both of us are Christian, much more in common etc. I became attracted to her shortly after we started talking, but I was mistimed, as she was in a (unbeknownst to me, tired) relationship when we started talking, Neither of us being the cheating kind, I talked to her for nearly a year and a half, just about music and life and as friends (or online pen pals). I was also worried about what my southern family would think.

Just to paraphrase things, her relationship petered out, and I drove down and met her a few months ago; things were electric, and we’ve quickly grown into a full blown relationship. It is long distance (she lives in Miami, myself in Lake Placid -3 hrs apart-) and being as we both still live with our parents, we see each other every chance we can (when money and schedules on both ends allow). We love each other, fit with each other like peas and carrots, etc, Happyness with a .

We’re both worried to death over how our families are going to take our relationship, concerning mine more so than hers; a lot of hers already know about me. I’ve already met her mom (who appeared to like me..? She’s an implicit person.). And, I’ve already introduced her to both my parents and my brother, who all like her very much as a person (which was a great sigh of relief for me). But, they are worried sick over how I’m going to be treated by.. well, everyone else, including the rest of our family, the people of the small town I live in, and the world in general. I’m scared myself. My girlfriend is scared for me as well, as she’s dated outside of her race before and has been tempered to the stares that an interracial relationship tends to garner, along with the insults, etc.

I have not. This is my first rodeo. I’m realizing the challenges that simply dating this girl, let alone possibly having a life with this girl, are going to be flooding my world as soon as I allow our relationship to go public. Prejudice from all angles and disapproving stares/words are (most likely) going to become amplified for her and a new reality for me.

Hiding our relationship is something that I feel terrible about having to do and something that I won’t do forever. I thank God that she understands that I can’t magically change people, but it is an ugly thing to me anyway. I know I’m going to have to bring us to light eventually, whether it be planned and gradual, one family member at a time, ..or whenever someone happens upon us when she’s visiting and turns into a town crier, devouring the latest juicy bit for my little town’s rumor mill. But, we’re of course nervous about it, and plenty of other things. From my feelings and what I know, we’ll hold hands through it all.

We’re still nervous though, hehe.

So, there it is, as best as I can paint the picture. Wonderful and joyous beyond our wildest hopes… yet still, scary and uncertain in the face of the world. Our relationship has yet to be truly tested, but I’m going to have faith this time around.

Can you offer any advice or advisories in so far as what I should prepare for, she should prepare for, what I should prepare her for, what we’ll face up the road… etc etc? ANYTHING you care to share will help us, and we would be very grateful for any advice given.

Thank you in advance for your time, and for being the help you are to so many people!

Dear “J,” again, apologies that I’m just now getting this (curse you, Facebook!!) I want you to know how touching I thought this note was. I can tell through your words that you are genuinely in love, and congratulations for finding such a beautiful woman (yes; I stalked your FB page!).  Now about your problem: I see a twofold (possibly threefold) issue. First, let’s talk about your location on the redneck end of Florida. Region plays a big part in the success and failure of interracial relationships, which is why I encourage people to live in more diverse and liberal areas if they can at all help it. Your girlfriend lives in Miami where I know for a fact the swirling is a bit more commonplace, so a move closer to your love might be something to consider since it appears things are getting serious (your note was dated a year ago and she’s still your girlfriend on FB).

Secondly from your own description, you are an open-minded guy who just happened to fall in love with a black woman, and judged her upon her inner and outer beauty, and that is the way it should be. But there no doubt will be those people who will come along and think or say hurtful things about the woman you love, and it will be up to you to be brave and strong and defend your lady’s honor, because that is what a MAN does. That doesn’t mean you go looking for trouble and engaging in physical confrontations–it’s best to avoid those altogether (we get into some detail on this issue in SWIRLING). When I say, “defend her honor” I mean, do so with the guy who assumes you’re dating her just for some jungle booty, and tell him you will not tolerate that kind of talk about the woman you love. It means when your parents warn you of how hard life will be because you love this woman, you tell them you that you love them and understand their concern, but this is the person you want to be with and that’s that. Third issue, build a circle of support to insulate you from the potential negativity you might experience, and limit your time with people who are unsupportive.

Finally “J,” just know that the world is changing, and these relationships are becoming more and more common. Just know that if you need encouragement and support, you can find plenty of it here at BB&W. You both are people of faith–God created us all, color and melanin are completely irrelevant to our creator. Enjoy the blessing and guard it.

Oh, and people PLEASE! If you have a question and want to reach out to me, hit me up at christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com. I don’t not want to feel like a schumck because I didn’t find your note a year later, umkay??