–Chris

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I had just ended an on and off again quasi relationship with Mr. Non-Committal in April 2012. We had an open relationship of sorts. The one where I date other people casually while he sits at home watching sports, eating take out and drinking beer. He was a nice guy who was a good provider and had a loving family who accepted me as one of their own, but he lacked everything else I wanted and needed in a man – enthusiasm, self-expression and sensitivity. I had longed for a man who would send me flowers, give me compliments, talk about the possibility of a future with me and demonstrate those words with actions.
Fast forward a month, I started dating a fun and exciting guy who for the purpose of this entry I will call J. Evan. I met him in a singles group on www.Meetup.com. I co-organize social events for singles as a hobby. J. Evan was fun. We flirted for a few months and then started going out on one-on-one dates. We were pretty inseparable. But since there was no commitment, I continued to date other people.
Some people may think – “wow that woman is a serial dater.” But I have always been the type who gets bored easily, and because of past hurts, I never wanted to be the one to be sideswiped.  Anyway, by the time August came around, my profile on OkCupid, a free online dating site, was getting a lot of attention from decent men with jobs and hobbies. Black, white, Latino and Asian men were hitting me up equally. But one guy stood out – Brandon G. He had sincere questions and I got an overall positive vibe from him.
I saw that he was a 36-year-old divorced father who had a cat, loved to travel and worked in the automotive industry with an income in the $75-$100K range. I was intrigued. Not too thrilled about the divorcee dad aspect, but I made it a goal to be more open minded in dating.
We emailed a couple times through the site and he noted that he’d like to go out some day. First of all, dude had on sunglasses in all of his pics. Second, I would never accept a date from a guy who I haven’t spoken with via phone. I politely asked him to email me a photo (sans shades) and gave him my number to call me. He did both immediately. We met in person for a first date on August 29, 2012. He was super nice and good looking (though kind of nerdy). While I thought he was cool, all of that past chatter was coming up. “He has too many kids. He has baggage being divorced. He wears ugly jeans.” LOL. I was trying to find reasons not to like him. We ended the date with a hug. He didn’t try to kiss me except for on the hand. I actually liked that.
Two days later while sitting in my office, I hear commotion at the front desk of our department. “Flower delivery. Oooh, I wonder who these are for,” the office assistant said. “Rasheda! Uh oh, girl. Someone really likes you.” I guess so because I received a ginormous bouquet of delectable roses and carnations. My coworkers and I read the note and yup, it was from Brandon. I was kind of freaked out because I never gave him my work address – but I work at a public university so I wasn’t hard to track down. I was blushing and trying not to smile too much. But I was really impressed.
That wasn’t the last time I was impressed with this guy. But I was still going out with J. Evan. I loved J. and I was starting to really like Brandon G. I was falling for two guys. But Brandon G. stood out. I forgot to mention that while I was dating these guys, I was taking a four-week online seminar called “Magnetizing Love” with Julie Anne Shapiro (http://magnetizinglove.com/). I had been subscribed to her free teleseminars and they helped me tremendously. But it wasn’t until I paid the $97 for the month-long program, which included two 30-minute coaching sessions, that I was able to heal some past hurts by truly becoming complete with my relationships with men that I really loved. I had a hard time getting into relationships for fear that the person I love would leave – in particular die or get hurt. After all, most of the men who truly loved me unconditionally had died or been killed. Seriously. My uncle, who raised me from age 12 to an adult, in 2000 shot himself while I was at home (he died of complications 8 months later). In 2007, my father died of a drug overdose and two days later my ex-boyfriend and love of my life was murdered. A year after that, my guy BFF (who I’ve been friends with since 7th grade) was killed in a motorcycle accident. My heart had been crushed numerous times. I realized that I couldn’t live in fear anymore. I had to let go and let love. Taking that teleseminar helped – along with prayer and a super dope vision board.
Brandon G. stepped it up and told me he loved me and saw a future for us. I accepted his commitment and decided to be exclusive with him. He continues to impress me day after day. He cooks breakfast and dinner and makes the most awe-inspiring desserts. He sends me e-cards and love notes and is truly a great guy.
I met his children for the first time January 5, 2013. We went to some local museums and headed downtown for pizza. The kids were well mannered and sweet. His boys – ages 4, 8, and 11 – are handsome and friendly. His 16-year-old stepdaughter was a little distant and removed but still polite and respectful. I connected most with the middle boy. He reminds me a lot of my nephew.
I look forward to our times together. Things are moving along in our relationship. I now have a key to his place and we’re planning our first vacation together. We’re going to the Bahamas this spring. I’m excited about the possibilities.

How does one attract men? That’s both a simple and complicated answer, since no two men are alike, what may work for one may not work for another.

I can only offer you my perspective on how to get the tongues waging, but be mindful, sometimes once you turn it on it can be hard to turn it back off.

Be yourself.

But who hasn’t heard that before and what does it mean exactly…?

It means that you should figure out who you are first before inviting someone into your life.

Doing this accomplishes several things, first and foremost, it makes you authentic and confidence attracts worthwhile men. Insecure, inferior men will be intimidated by your decisiveness. By being confident and self assured about who you are, it makes it easy for a weak man to slink away, saving you both time and money….like Geiko!

And no guy wants to get to know a girl who is not really the girl he got to know in the first place.

It’s kinda like when jerk guys pretend to be your neutral friend and then once you get all tender and sensitive they break out the sexy speedos on you after a night of heavy parting while you’re just trying to throw up in the toilet and not on the floor.

It basically means you’re a phony flake and once a guy is interested and digs a little deeper he’ll find out that you don’t REALLY like Elton John, nor are your eyes really Hazel, nor are you a Victoria’s Secret model.

But I bet he’d love it if you were!!

Be an individual.

Who you are really matters to your potential mates and what you present directly affects the type of people you attract. Now I’m not sure how it became popular for people to look like clones but all I can tell you is that I’ve never looked like everyone else and it works.

Not only am I seen, I am recognized and remembered by males and females in social settings. This isn’t accomplished by purchasing the ‘latest’ whatever is being sold as the new shyt. This has more to do with a visual presentation of who you are on the inside (see above).

Do you think argyle socks and Converse sneakers and like Peanut Butter and Jelly…? Then go for it, don’t worry if no one else likes how you wear your hair, what clothes you wear or anything else having to do with you being an individual. You’re expected to….don’t disappoint a potential mate of quality by being a boring sheeple with no backbone or identity.

Be seen.

How in the world, or rather, why in the world would a man approach a woman that looks like she’s about to squeak and run away from him? I’m not being mean to the shy people, I’m shy too, but what I also am is a visual artist, luckily. Though conversation didn’t come easily to me, catching the eye of strangers always did because I stand out.

I do TRJ all day long, from the Gregorian chant music coming out of my too loud Ipod earplugs to my big, big, big, afro which is as big as I can get my fluffy bi-racial hair to be.

Why…because I think it looks cool (and that’s all that matters. See above). The guys who like girls who think they look cool with fluffy afros  seek  me out. Those who feel like ‘me’ is too much for ‘them’ either shy away or I may have the occasional one that may want to ‘tame’ or change me. He soon finds out that I know who I am and I like ‘me’ like this, too bad he doesn’t (see above).

I’m not saying get your Lady Gaga on, because not everyone has the temperament to be on display like some of us do.

But what I am saying is that if you find yourself in a social event with many men, why not walk through the middle of the floor rather than slink around the walls to go from A-to-B?

Oh, no, they’re all going to look at you! Yup, that’s the point. Chin up, and backstraight, Sashay-Shontay!!

Prance, my love, PRANCE! And is you notice a man has noticed you, hold is stare and SMILE at him!! He’ll smile back and three other men in the room will suddenly have the urge to chase you and make  you smile at them instead, I swear ta Gawd!

Change up your style of dress, I don’t know, people fight me on this, as if you shouldn’t be appealing when you are attempting to appeal to a new potential mate. I’m not asking for a full face of make-up and Sunday best, I’m saying put on a pretty dress, or a power suit with THOSE heels (the ones your ex loved so much…those) , or even a new hair style, a part on the opposite side of your head makes a difference, too.

My rule of thumb while shopping is to buy something in a pattern I would not normally wear, and then commit to working it into my wardrobe, that way, I’m breaking out of my mold.

Do you have several sets of the same set of clothes, I do..no shame, we’re all a work in progress. #thestruggle

When you have the choice between putting on your regular “Monday” Old Navy pullover, why not reach in your closet and pull out that fire engine red dress instead? When you look good, you feel good, its a cliche because its true.

Men like women who enjoy attention…..she thinks she’s hot, and so men thinks she’s hot, because she thinks she’s hot. The more men, the tougher the competition, the harder they compete, the better for you. You win!! Have you ever been surrounded by men shamelessly vying for your attention?

No, you should try it, if you are, then you know, it’s the bee’s knees and the attention reinforces your fabulous-ness.

Check back for part two where I will cover eye contact, conversation and flirting 101.

Like Bees to Honey…..they won’t be able to resist you.

*peace fingers*

What I’m saying is….a man willing and eager to date IR doesn’t mean he thinks you’re his equal.  He could just as easily be a sexist boob and think himself superior due to his gender, but in this case, I’m talking about guys that may still harbor racist sentiments even if he’s willing to pursue a woman of color.

Sometimes examples are the best way to convey this.

Here goes:

The Caribbean law student who was light, bright and very accomplished. We would have looked good on paper, considering my new degree and aspiring none urban open minded lifestyle. We could have fit, but for the fact that he was an obnoxious, non-American Black educated blow hard.

See, to me the worst type of combination is when a person of color decides THEY are different then THEM BLACKS who ‘get locked up doing stupid ‘ish’ when “they could just work.”

I asked a few pointed questions of my date, which was going romantic and fine until he wanted to mind-wrestle me instead of sweep me off my feet. I gave subtle reasons for my opinion until he finally challenged my position on the criminal justice system and men of color (did he NOT notice that he picked me up one evening from Seton Hall Law School’s Center for Social Justice….? Where I volunteered as a legal researcher?)

Not only was he frustrated that I harbored feelings of empathy for THOSE BLACKS, et. al. but also, I believe, in the fact that I chose to stick my heel in the back of his neck during my execution of such point. I can agree to disagree gracefully, I don’t have to win, but dammit, neither do you!! His opinion of people he knew nothing about was narrow, biased, cold hearted and very distorted. Even when I appealed to his sense of logic and instances of corrupt legal practices, he insisted that I didn’t know what I was talking about.

Things went cold during the date, he dropped me off and after two months of hanging out (sex free), he sped away in his sports car. I never heard from him again. And I didn’t mind.

*and the beat goes on*

Over drinks at a Friday’s in Times Square in Manhattan I am pleasantly sipping on fruity delightful-ness and engaged in a conversation with my date, an older White guy from the neighboring town of my hometown.

This is our third date so far and I’ve enjoyed his daily phone calls, a surprise gifts of shoes (he was an executive for Frederick’s of Hollywood) and his carefree attitude. Our dates were always fun, sporadic and very lively. He wasn’t what I would physically go for but he was attentive, generous, and charming.

I was getting into him until this day when a conversation about music. We were exchanging likes, of which I offered things he would know of, classical, 80′s pop, Elvis Costello, John Mellencamp, Brian Adams. He laughed agreeably, then asked if I liked Rap music, but he spat the word out when he said it.

I caught the implied meaning and suggested examples of non-confrontational Hip Hop music, specific lyrical content of note and the genre’s parallel and early origins springing from jazz, blues and poetry.

I didn’t expect for him to snort in laughter at my lunacy. Further conversation revealed that not only was he unaware of the racial tension that his home town is notorious for, he outright insisted that I knew nothing of what I spoke of regarding the town’s reputation (a red faced “impossible!” )  or experienced (being beaten by cops as a teenager…as is the norm for Black unfortunate enough to be found in Bayonne, NJ).

I left the date feeling silly, uncomfortable and strangely distant. I thought we had something in common, but it seemed that we were actually worlds apart. I stopped taking his calls and kept it moving.

*wading on the water*

This former basketball player, and Ivy League agent to professional athletes stood 6’9 and was every bit of larger than life than you can image. Blond hair, green eyes, charming, decisive, and very privy to ‘good things’.

We instantly connected during our first phone call. He made me laugh, I wanted more charm…He was good as far as our chemistry and I couldn’t wait to see him.

He picked me up for several dates, in several luxury vehicles.

We went to places to eat that I’d never heard of, nor could afford if I had. My NJ bumpkin-self was smitten, especially in the way he took pride in showing me off and being affectionate in public. He was a perfect date, a gentleman and I was into him so far.

He dated beautiful women of all nationalities, he said. I decided to let my guard down and just have fun, and I did, until things moved along to the physical aspects of life.

“I love Black women, they’re so passionate!” made it sound like ‘black women’ were a flavor at Baskin Robbins.

“I can’t wait to get you behind closed doors. I can take everything you got.Can I call you my Wild Woman?” Um, no!!

Reference to my ‘phat black girl as*” and lack of ‘regular Black girl big lips’ was duly noted.

*Before you go all Googling my life and try o throw shade on my current lifestyle, I was an executive assistant at a non-profit at the time of this date. There was nothing wild about me but for the weeds growing in the front yard of the house I rented in a respectable and expensive neighborhood* 

Yeah, no…athlete dude was cool, fun and very charming but the treats weren’t worth my feeling like I should come out of the bedroom and swing on a rope before doing my oochi-coochie native dance for Mr. Free Agent. His calls went unanswered too.

This isn’t to say that ALL non ‘your race’ dates are buttplugs, this is to say that SOME of the IR prospects will be buttplugs because although they want to date you, screw you and maybe marry you and give you babies, somewhere, deep in their ego they still don’t see you as an equal.

If I have to barter my racial dignity in order to gain a mate, I’ll be a Duracell having Darcell, but fear not, I got plenty of success stories to share too. I’m just a weirdo that breaks up with every dam man that I come across.

I’ve been swirling since first grade and a boy chasing harlot for about as long. Surely there’s something here for the respectable ladies of BB&W to learn from an enigma such as I.

*peace fingers*

BB&W interjecting here…Shawna’s too humble to mention it but she sings like an angel:

I have a hysterical laughing disorder (I’m actually laughing right  now … LoL….LoL When it’s come to the L-word… I am looking for the One! The man of my  dreams;)… Someone to rack up ton of air miles with because I have to  travel and never get tired of it. Someone to go to Paradise du Fruits with  because it’s my favorite restaurant in Paris, I guarantee you will love it too! He must be someone to laugh (A LOT) with and have fun with while  pretending we are fighting the White Witch in Narnia at the park with my,  “oh my gosh, why is he so adorable” son. (Lots of “Narinia” and “Lord of The  Rings” role playing at Chez Shawna & Noah;)… 

“Monsieur Right” must be faithful, patient, a life learner, love children,  enjoy helping others, outgoing and congenial, dynamic, driven, an  entrepreneur, compromising, understanding, must enjoy attending a  Christ-based fellowship that we can agree on (Im NONreligious, but SUPER  spiritual & passionate about my relationship with God), must be open to living as healthy as possible, must live life to the fullest and never > give > up!

Currently I am residing in Las Vegas, NV. I am recording music and  preparing for shows. I sing and write. I also operate a small Internet  Marketing company online. The Dream is to sing and tour globally, while still having my company in the background. Definitely looking for someone  who is able to travel often and also with a passion and desire to dream  big  and live their best life ever!…also if you play piano and/or guitar,  that’s a plus!;) God Bless, Shawna.

Find and fried Shawna on Facebook here.

What to be a “goddess” too? Hit us up at info@beyondblackwhite.com.

I am looking for a great guy between ages 27-40, who has good morals, a great sense
of humor, has goals and believes chivalry isn’t dead. Someone with some similar
interests who also is up for trying new things.

Are you “that guy?” Contact Tiara via email at chickey920@aol.com.

Because I want to hook ya’ll single folks up already, we are resuming the series, which has gone on the back burner because your host is overworked. But this is important, dammit!

So…

Potential Goddess and Hotties, email me at info@beyondblackwhite.com if you want to look this happy in photos.

I’m a freelance anchor/reporter for a finance website. I love being a Christian and enjoy serving / volunteering at my wonderful church. A personal growing relationship with the Lord is important in my life and should be as well in the man who’s interested in me. And speaking of man, here’s what I’m looking for… I could rattle off a list of material things but pfft, that would just get me a fat wallet and no love. My name may be Nichole, but it’s not Anna Nicole. The man who wants my heart has to be a Christian who, on his own, attends church, prays, reads the word and loves the Lord with all his heart. A man who is emotionally available and stable,
with a heart of humility and a laughter that fills the room. This way we can both laugh loud together! A chorus of guffaw our surroundings will be! *smile* I love a tall (6′ and up. hey, I’m a girl of 5’7! what can I say?) broad shouldered guy who’s got a great personality (dial tones & wet blankets need not apply) and wouldn’t be afraid to put me in my place if (and when) I get out of line. I want to get married and have children of our very own, being the first to bless each other with children.

Here are some little funny facts about me / things no one would know just by looking: I’m a vegetarian. I used to have a piercing on the back of my neck. At toys-r-us I crashed their bike into the bike displays, causing the entire row to tumble over (Hey, I didnt know the breaks were on the pedals!!!) I don’t like ice cream.

What else would you like to know?

Visit Nichole’s blog here. Check out her YouTube channel here. If you’re ‘THE GUY” reach out to her on Twitter here.

Isn’t she stunning? Love, LOVE the hair. Lakeisha Moore is 33, single, and has no children. She hails from Louisiana (so she can throw down with some Cajun food!), but now live in Dallas, Texas. She loves to travel, and is looking for someone special to to explore new places with. Since she loves to cook, HGTV is her crack dealer. “I am looking for a single male between the ages of 33 to 40. A man of God (more spiritual than religious) is also ideal and someone who has a sense of humor. who is goal- oriented, and can hold a good conversation.”

If you fit the bill, find and friend Lakeisha on Facebook here.

Gather ‘round children of Beyond Black and White. Mama has a story to tell.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away…

Oh HAYELL No…it’s not that kind of story.

As crazy as the blog title sounds, it’s totally, completely 100% true. I met and fell in love with a pretty freaking amazing guy thanks to a blogger, an old school rapper and an Animaniacs cartoon. Here’s how it goes…

The Matchmaking Blogger: About seven years ago, I met Christelyn Karazin, famed author and blogtress (no, she did not pay me to say that). At the time, I worked for a nonprofit and Chris was writing for 951 Magazine. Somehow, I ended up meeting the owner of the magazine and was helping him plan a launch party for a special edition of the magazine. He said it was best that I touch base with Chris as she was playing a big role in this event. So I called Chris and we had many conversations about the party. But we also talked about being working moms and all that comes with it. We had these conversations but never met face to face. A couple days before the party, we finally meet at the venue. We come face to face…and both pause with perplexed looks. Chris said, “I didn’t know you were Black!” And I said, “I didn’t know you were Black!” Yes, we played the whole “You didn’t sound Black on the phone” card on each other. A friendship was born. We each moved on to other jobs and cities, but kept in touch via Facebook.

Fast forward to September 2011. A veritable doo-doo storm broke out on a Facebook group that focused on interracial relationships. Basically, Chris called people out on their…um…skankish behavior and they attacked her. I stepped up to defend my friend and noticed someone else was too. Some guy named Jason Hendrix that lives in the Bay Area (about a 6 hour drive from me). Now, I thought it was cool that he was defending Chris and trying to tell the women in this group that they were more than sex objects. That night, I think I sent him a friend request (something I NEVER, EVER do) and we sent messages back and forth that night. He was charming, funny, loved his adorable daughters and was pretty damn cute himself. And I thought there was no way he’d be interested in me. But Facebook friends we remained.

DJ Kool: So, a few days after we became Facebook friends, Jason was the “Hottie of the Week” on Beyond Black and White. Well, crap. Now every chick in the world was going to be eyeballing him. I decided to take a quick look at his Facebook page and saw he posted this:

“I hope ya don’t mind…let me clear my throat”

So, I posted, “Whoa. DJ Kool lyrics. Flashback! ”

He says that’s when he knew I was the one. Ain’t he the cutest? But we were both to freaking shy to say that we were interested in each other.

Former "goddess" Niki Chambers

Back to the Blogger: So, one day Chris asks Jason if anyone piqued his interest from his Hottie of the Week feature. He says, “Well, I did kind of like that Niki Chambers…” This is when Chris the Blogger turned in to Chris the Matchmaker. She encouraged him to talk to me. So, he sent me a message just saying hi and that Chris has said nice things about me. I immediately sent Chris a thank you and added, “If only a cute guy like that lived near me”. Then Chris proceeded to tell me (in the nicest way possible) “Hello, dummy. He’s here every two weeks to see his daughters.” Oh, well that changes things. But I still wasn’t sure he was interested. Chris told me he was. I wasn’t convinced, so I said I would be the next Goddess of the Week…just to make sure I could get his attention. It worked! I get another message from Jason where he says he was thinking of me. So, in the most awkward and nerdy way possible, I give him my number. I NEVER, EVER give guys my number, but I took a chance. Best decision ever.

Former "hottie" Jason Hendrix

Pinky & The Brain: After a few weeks of texting, phone calls and messages, I can tell I am falling for this guy. Like majorly falling. But we said we’d take it slow, right? Too late. It was love. My birthday was coming up and Jason said he wanted to take me out to dinner. This would be our first face to face meeting. I was freaking out. I felt so comfortable with him, but this was the real deal…face to face. I tried on everything in my closet twice before settling on a cute sweater, jeans and boots. It was freezing in Southern California that week (plus I wasn’t going to meet this guy I was in love with looking like a hoochie mama.) Anyway, we meet at the restaurant and he gives me a big hug which totally calmed my nerves. At dinner, we talked and laughed and had a blast. It felt like this was exactly where I was supposed to be. We shut the place down and, hand in hand, walked out to the parking lot. I was beyond giddy, feeling like a teenager with her first love. We were talking and laughing and then it happened…he leaned in to kiss me. And said, “Are you pondering what I am pondering?” Classic line from Pinky & The Brain (it’s a cartoon from the 1990’s…Google it, people). How could he have known I loved that show? He had me hook, line and sinker. Done…and completely head over heels in love.

The Goddess gets her Hottie: So here we are. A new year and a success story for Beyond Black and White and its matchmaking blogtress. It’s still early in our relationship, but I can honestly say this is the happiest I’ve been in a long time. No one knows what the future brings, but I am pretty sure my future will have a DJ Kool loving, Pinky & The Brain quoting Hottie in it. And that would make for a definite happily ever after.

Here’s a clip that she did with Dianne Farr, author of “Kissing Outside the Lines”

Abiola and I have been going back and forth on Twitter and, who knew how easy it is for a journalist to snag a big fish on Twitter? #justsayin. When we finally got a chance to chat, I found her just as goddess-like via telephone. We had a great conversation, covering everything from how black women are portrayed in the media, how black women lack the protections other minority groups do, expectations from other blacks to conform to a pre-approved “blackness” and how us morenas have the power to change impressions one individual at a time.

BB&W Exclusive with Abiola Abrams by Christelyn

You know what puts the yummy milking chocolate frosting on top? Abiola will be a REGULAR BB&W contributor, blessing us all whit that beautiful face and girlie advice through her Passionista Playbook video advice webisodes. You’re welcome.

BTW, BB&W dudes, Abiola is single and an equal-opportunity dater of the rainbeau. Check her out on her blog, Abiolatv.com and Twitter, because I think she may own some real estate there.