Let me tell you it was CRAZY!  There were not enough seats for everyone.  Some women were standing against the walls for hours!  At the beginning, they were bringing out chairs for latecomers and placing them in the front!  The ladies were not having it and did not hesitate to let Mr. Hussey know.  Needless to say Matt & Co. gave in to the demands:  allowing those already seated to scoot up closer to the front and those who were late to take their seats in the back.  Talk about setting standards early on!

Now, I don’t want to give all the goods away, but here are 7 things that were stated I feel we, as women should live by:

1)   People are always showing you who they are in the 1^st week.  Don’t ignore their shit!  Watch what they do and not what they say.  In other words, vet EVERYONE ladies.  You are the company you keep.

2)   Its not enough to know who you are.  You have to know your worth and know how to sell it.  Confidence is not competence.

3)   Don’t do anything for your love life that doesn’t benefit your whole life.  Otherwise you will resent it.

4)   Attraction is keeping someone off balance.

5)   Invest in him based on what he does in relationship to you, not because how much you like him.

6)   If you don’t have your emotions and self-worth in check you can have all the tools, but still fail.

7)   There is nothing hotter than a happy woman!

Ladies, I was a very happy woman all day.  Unfortunately my friend was not and was being negative and a downer.  Fortunately for me, I was having too much fun to give a care.  I guess she couldn’t take it anymore.  She left half an hour early and missed the biggest point of the whole event:  CONFIDENCE.  I’m also taking one of Matt’s online seminars and so most of what he talked about today I had already been introduced to but the way he talked confidence had me mesmerized.  I come from a background, like many black women, where we are taught from an early age that we are not worthy of anything:  love, affirmation, and edifying relationships.  That we are not worthy to invest in.  One thing that Matt said that hit home for me is that WE are the most important asset we will ever have. WE are the business, the men in our lives are just revenue.  Preach, my brother!  (Oh btw, did I mention that that gorgeousness runs in the family.  Yep, the other Hussey brother is HOT.  Thought I would just point that out.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a picture of him.  Instead you can enjoy these of the 1^st Hussey and me)

Excuse my temporary distraction, back to the last statement:  WE ARE THE BUSINESS, THE MEN IN OUR LIVES ARE JUST REVENUE. The business will always be there, but revenue can go away, but if you work on the business, revenue can always come back.  When he said that I was blown away.  What I took from that was forget the bullshit and what people think and invest in who you are (not material things that can go away), your well being confidence, values, and self-worth to be the best version of yourself.  No one else can give you worth but you and that is so important to understand. I don’t think we are told that enough.  We need to tell ourselves that everyday that self-worth is our choice.  No one can give us our value that is determined by our choices and ladies for me that means learning more about myself and dedicating time to nurture myself.  I’m a New Yorker, we are always going and going.  I find myself at work, home, church, everywhere doing my best to make others happy.  Woman syndrome they should call it.  We are caretakers at heart but what we often fail to do is take care of is ourselves.  I’m really freaking tired of trying to make everyone else happy but myself.  Compromise is earned in relationships and I’m tired of living in fear of hurting someone else’s feelings and lose them to end up compromising my own feelings.  Tough shit.  I may not be the most important person in the world but I’m effing important and that means something, dammit.

We have to set our standards and live by them and even if I am shaking in my boots, people are going to start to recognize and that is going to start with the company I keep.  This event helped me to realize why my friend irritated me for so long.  She has no sense of self worth.  She is always negative about everything and blamed others instead of herself for why things go wrong.  Who wants to be around that all the time?  I spent so much of our friendship affirming her and trying to give her some sense of her value (that is my spiritual gift:  affirming words) but it was absolutely draining emotionally.  That hurts but it’s the truth.  Just because she won’t take the time to realize her value doesn’t mean that’s my duty.  And when its time to let ppl go its time!  Now I know her background because it similar to mine, but there comes a point in life where you can’t let that hold you back and I’ve been way past that point in my life where my faith (spiritual values) and my faith in myself will no longer allow me too.  I’ve grown so much as a person and because of that I’ve met so many others who continue to help me grow and learn about myself.  Unfortunately she is not part of that group and this is a friendship I’m ready to let go of.  As Matt says you need a peer group that supports you.  We all need a positive group of people who have similar dating goals as we do and support us in these endeavors.  Not people who are pessimists and negative all the time.  Again, you are the company you keep.

Ladies, I cannot tell you how much fun I had and if you are still able to attend an even I highly suggest it.  I HAD SO MUCH FUN and met some beautiful and amazing women along the way.  (Staring at a beautiful Englishman for 4 hrs didn’t hurt either.)  One thing:  I’m a little weary of buying the book as most of the information in it I am also learning from his online seminars as well as from the live event.  Nevertheless I encourage you all if you cannot participate in either, to buy the book not only to learn some amazing and transformative information, but also to help our guy get to the New York Times Bestseller List.  Hey, if I don’t buy it for me, I’ll eventually buy it for a very special friend, but only them because I really don’t want anyone else to share this information.  As one journalist, “I can do without the competition.”

Matt was right, everyday should be like this, dancing like who the fuck cares.

Yep I came home with an English accent and a bit more confidence.  Here are a few more photos from the event for your enjoyment.  Sorry for the blurriness.

If you can’t get a chance to get to one of Matthew’s live events, you can order an online version here.

There are tons of articles and websites devoted to offering advice and tricks to assist women as they approach the mating game. What’s usually missing from those articles is input from people that look and sound like you, the reader.

Another voice that we often don’t hear from when discussing men, are actual men and that’s a shame since there are plenty out here willing to help women better understand male/female interactions.

What if you could find out any answer to any question you had about sex, relationships and love from a professional insider?

Now you can!!

And why would you want to know something from me?

Who the fu*k am I?

That’s a valid question.

I am an erotica writer, fetish model, and lifestyle kinkster.

I’ve been in the adult industry in one form or another for twenty years, I know men when men forget women are around.

I know their habits.

I know their insecurities.

I know their secrets.

I know their joys.

I know their heart.

I know their pain.

I know what they wish you knew.

I know…………a lot about men.

And as a performance artist, exotica dancer, or stripper, for those of you high and mighty types, I’m well versed in perception, incitement, excitement, and visual seduction.

I’m not here to convince you to do anything that you don’t want to do, however, if you feel like your learning to walk in high heels is all that you need to accomplish this new year, then we need to talk. If you want to know how to ‘glam up’ effortlessly, you’re gonna love me, girl.

How to you pop up some parts while smoothing out others? I know how.

What position makes you look scrumptious in bed on the first night of the do-ism? I know….and I’ll tell you so that you’ll know. And then you tell a friend and they tell a friend and now some women are more comfortable with becoming sexually active when the time is right. Now, less women are self-conscious about their naked bodies because women with imperfect bodies take pictures and display boldness and pride.

Make-up is make-up, I actually don’t wear much. I’m usually fresh faced, though when the time is right, or the need occurs when you must go deep within, make-up is what you get done……dramatic is what you become.

I can teach how to be this woman.

And if you are a guy, I can teach you how to approach this woman.

You can watch all the porn you want, but if you still can’t figure out how the round peg goes in the square hole in that scene with the turtle and rainbow in 23 Days of Ways, then I’m your go to girl.

Who else would be able to draw you a diagram to clarify? I don’t judge but surly some of you will. I’m hoping those that want to know out weight those that don’t embrace the BACK button.

Everything ain’t for everybody.

I’m a single mother, and I can tell you ways of survival that never crossed your sane stable home background having mind.

The tides of earning potential and the cost of living have shifted but this is like surfing to me, though you may feel like your drowning now that less is more, a woman such as I can hook you up with 20 Ramen Noodle recipes to die for.

Family Dollar shopping sprees and Pay Half fabulousness. Not everyone here has “Berk-en bag money”…. I pit my thrift store hobo bag sexy against a top label princess any day.

And I’m not about that Badu-life, I dress in whatever manner serves my needs be it corporate, Betty, gothic, eclectic, or sex kitten. When you treat clothes like props, it becomes easier to be whomever you choose; I’ll teach you to be a chameleon. Looking the part is half of the battle when it comes to progression in love and in life.

I can show you how to run up on discounted Diva-ness and have women and men gagging at your style and flair.

The things that made you stand out as a quirky kid is what makes it soo easy to be unique and easily able to catch everyone’s eye.

I tell no lies, my child. They hated you for your power, and not for your weakness.

Here’ a hint for the Spring, the stores are doing black and white polka dots and stripes, one up the locals by doing polka dots paired with statement colors like teal, orange or yellow while everyone else stays with ‘safe’ black and white solids.

Been there and did all of that. (Learn to say just say yes…)

Usually twice just to make sure.

I sometimes took notes. If it was recently…I have cell phone pix (I’m joking, of course!)

I bragged about it, too. (Sometimes…..)

And did the stuff they said not to do. I can attest to the fact that, no, your palms will not grow hair, after all.

And some stuff I can’t admit to doing because of pesky laws and statutes. But that doesn’t man we can’t still pretend!

I can tell you about nearly anything you’d like to know, from demure to the strange, nothing much can shock me. But you might clutch your pearls.

Send questions or article suggestions to tracyreneejonesemail@gmail.com. Use the subject “Help” so that I know its you.

I will publish my responses as an article or Q & A . I will never reveal the original author, so feel free to spill the tea, I am the keeper of secrets by profession.

Both of them. *wink*

If you have the need to indulge in the extra strange then I invite you to send your questions as well. Those will be answered on my erotica site (#NSFW #ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ) to assure the wholesomeness of this space here.

Don’t be shy.

I’m not and as always I promise to be straight and to the point.

I can’t promise that you’ll always like the answer but knowing how to properly inspect for evidence of sissy boy in your new man’s demeanor is priceless.

And gentlemen, don’t be shy!! The ladies could use your input and I am more than happy to answer your questions as well.

Reach out and touch……..you won’t be the first……

Either way, I know that we can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. As an introspective and lonely child, I spent most of my time in my room, alone with my notebooks and thoughts. Without internet, or telephone available, I was forced to return to my original form of self expression and the reasons why writing is an innate part of who I am.

If no one else cared to know my pain, the page always welcomed me to speak my truth through words and images.

I am a vessel, and others find solace in confiding in me. I take my trials and pain and use it to create a mirror from which we can all see a more clearer reflection of who we were meant to be.

With nothing more to offer than a floor to sleep on, or a portion of food, or a few spare coins, people like me have pieced together an existence  from the stubborn hope that things will get better.

Me Being Anonymous: A Book of Cursed Poem and Verse is a collection of my poetry taken from journals that I’ve had since the early 90′s. My motivation to write and complete my book were not in hopes of taking over the world to gain fame and fortune.

I released my writing so that it may be available to those like me, who feel or have felt alone in the world, heartbroken at the lies and fantasy of what it means to exist as a woman of color, a mother, a daughter, a lover, a friend, a member of a culture, a town, or a family.

I can’t say that expressing myself was all met with enthusiasm  it seems some people are much more comfortable with keeping skeletons in the closet even when the musk of death is suffocating the living.

I can’t say that I quite care how other’s perceive me, the most important thing I’ve learned in these last few decades is that the only person whose happiness matters is your own.

It makes me happy to share my life with other people, like Michael Jackson said, ‘You are not alone’…..

MBA is a poetry book that tells the story of my life in brevity and here’s your chance to get familiar with me before the actual memoir drops in 2013. Go on over to Smashwords and use coupon code BL52P to receive a 20% discount for the ebook download.

This special discount is only for BBW readers as a way of my saying thank you to you all for all of your encouragement and support. 

And because I love you, you can try before you buy-read portions of the book before making a commitment!

Happy Holidays to you and yours…from TRJ and dem…. (the voices in my head)

I’m going to do this anonymously. If some of you think hard enough, you may be able to figure out who I am. I may even show up in the comments. But the reason I won’t put my name to this officially will become clear after I explain.

My boyfriend, (we’ll call him “Honey”) talks about a really funny guy he met in a seminar once. This guy is more of an acquaintance than a close friend; one whose Facebook posts are often so hilarious, Honey shares them with me. Honey and this guy go for drinks, and party together now and again. We’ll call this friend, who happens to be black, “Homie”.

Saturday afternoon Homie calls to invite Honey out for drinks. I was like, “Cool. Have fun”. As he walked out the door I asked, “Is Homie single?”

“No. He’s married. Very happily, in fact,” he says.

“Well tell that mofo he can’t live vicariously through you!”, I joked. Honey laughed, and went out the door. I logged on, intending to catch up on back episodes of the American version of “The Voice”.

I’d barely watched 2 episodes, when Honey was back. He and Homie had run into a mutual friend (a fashion industry guy I’m quite fond of), and that friend had invited them all to a party. He left Homie in the bar to come home and ask me if I wanted to go too. “I’d like to,” I answered cautiously, “but I don’t want to mess up boys’ night. I mean, do you really want me to come?”

He rolled his eyes. I taught him well.

“Why would I come all the way back here to invite you if I didn’t want you to come?”

As I was getting ready, the doorbell rang. It was Homie. “Oh! This is the girl from New York!!,” he smiles up at me. He was…amusing. A teensy little guy with a big personality. Also, he had used that alone time in the pub to knock a few more back. “Sorry I’m so drunk,” he apologizes. In between small, get-to-know-you talk, he commented on how “clean” my locs were, and on what cute kids Honey and I would make. We laughed and accepted the compliments like you would a gift you don’t know what you’ll do with.

My first cause for alarm was in the car. “Have you read Franz Fanon?”. Homie was referencing the late writer and freedom fighter from Martinique, whose work on Algerian independence, decolonization, and the psycho-political effect racism has on blacks globally greatly inspired me as a young literature student in England. I even taught Wretched of the Earth to undergrads as a PA (professor’s assistant). “I’m offended you would even ask,” I answer, only partially joking.

Partially joking, because like so many other black race men, Fanon was married to a white woman. The only time this ever came to mind was while reading, (and re-reading, and re-reading) Black Skin, White Masks, a book largely about internalized racism. The chapter on “The Woman of Colour and the White Man” still makes me want to fight the air. For a man so brilliant, his logic in this chapter–and his intention in writing it at all–never made sense. Predictably, he alleges that black women ‘pursue’ white men (yes, because that’s what we do) because they want to be white. “It is because the black woman feels inferior that she aspires admittance to the white world,” writes Fanon, in the most obvious case of projection ever. Here was this little alcohol-soaked small fry asking me if I ever heard of Franz Fanon. Nothing good could come of this conversation. Did I mention Homie’s wife is white, too?

So, we reach the party. 90’s pop rings out in the old East German-style hall, and it feels like a high school reunion. Sweet! Except it isn’t long before Homie’s funny drunk is annoying. Honey answers my, “Where’s your friend?”, with, “I don’t care. We should stay away from him.”

If only Homie had stayed away from us. We’re dancing together, Honey and I, when someone approaches from behind, jostling him, and spilling his drink all over hands. It’s Homie. Honey, pissed, goes off to wash his hands. I’m holding both drinks, still swaying to the music. Homie is dancing near me. He leans in and says something. I don’t hear it over the music, so naturally I ask, “What’d you say?”

“I said,” he draws the words out, “If you were mine…”.

“WHAT?”

“I get white bitches for free,” he continues, like I just walk around with extra f*cks to give.

“You mean ‘white bitches’ like your wife?”

Honey comes back before he can answer. I hand Honey his drink, and cozy up under his arm. Homie slinks off. Right here, right now typing, I wish I was making this up.

An hour passes and we’re enjoying the vibes so heavy that I almost forget about the fact that I’ve been involuntarily cast as Matahari in this man’s own personal race treason spy drama. But then Honey goes off to get us fresh drinks, and I’m standing alone against the wall.

“I’m leaving soon”. Mon petite faux Fanon back. I don’t even look at him.

“Cool. Peace.”

“Dance with me one more time”.

“No.”

“Come one, just one more dance.”

“Nig–”, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and put some bass in the next, “NO.”

He comes in close and tries to pin me against the wall with his body. No one told this fool that massive ego does not count towards body mass. I stick my elbow in his miniature chest, push, and send him stumbling backwards into a few partygoers.

“Ok,” he concedes grandly. “Goodnight.”

He walks off, and turns back seconds later to say, “You’re a good girl.” Mercifully, (for him) he goes for real this time.

Honey returns a few minutes later. “Have you seen Homie?”

I pause. Honey is a big sweetheart but goes alpha male monster over shit like this real quick. I simply say, “he left.”

That was a week ago. I still haven’t said anything. Hence the “anonymity”.  I’ll have to spill these beans eventually, but I do not look forward to it. Homie was really lit. And evidently, HE HATES HIMSELF. Does he really need to get punched in the face on top of it all? His poor mixed children. And his poor wife…

I don’t know. What would you do? I mean, I have to tell Honey what happened…right?

*I should say “one of my boyfriend’s black friends”, but it isn’t as pithy.

Wendy Ida and her husband, Art.

But things weren’t always so rosy for Wendy. She made her escape from Blackistan when she left 13 years of marriage to an abusive husband, even while her closest friends and relatives admonished her to stay, because according to them, it was her responsibility to be the sole person responsible to ‘hold it down.’ Unhealthy and overweight, Wendy took her two children from New Jersey to California with just the clothes on their backs. “I was an angry, overweight woman who was eating bad,” she told me. At 43, she decided to take charge of her health and has become one of the most fit and beautiful senior citizens in America. Not only that, she’s been happy married to her husband, Art, a Japanese American for 22 years.

She spoke with me frankly about her domestic violence experience, how she overcame it, how she met her husband, and some of the challenges they faced as an interracial couple. Listen close–she has some good advice for black women seeking relationships with Asian men (hint, we discuss it in great detail in SWIRLING).
Wendy Ida interview by Christelyn

For more information and to buy the book go to WendyIda.com.

He was very candid we me on the issue of race and racism, and he’s now got a new fan!

First and foremost when I say “football”, I don’t mean this. I actually mean this. “Soccer” to the average American. It feels odd to call it that since I’ve managed to wrap my mind around the international term for the sport. I could write essay upon essay about that sometimes contentious controversy over football vs. soccer, but that’s another post for another blog.

I’ve just wrapped up my second full season as a football fan. I came aboard with the World Cup back in 2010, and after watching the entire thing (rather than bowing out after the United States suffered a crushing loss to Ghana) I found I liked it. A lot. I was eager for more and thanks to some good suggestions, decided to check out the English Premiere League and La Liga.

Why do I love International Football?

I’ve never been nearly as emotionally involved in anything remotely sports-related before I started watching football. I guess that’s a major reason I love it: I’ve found that it moves me in ways that few other things actually do. I am not ordinarily an emotional person. But I’ve scared my poor old grandmother to death at least twice as I was over her house watching a game and she thought I was dying or being murdered.

At its purest form, it’s a testament to amazing skill, coordination, and team work. These are qualities I’ve come to strongly admire.

I had watched the NFL, basketball, and even hockey through the years, and hadn’t been much of a dedicated fan since childhood. In fact, I actually found myself drifting away from sports altogether. I think the stories of lockouts, walkouts, and doping controversies cooled my enthusiasm. And as I was developing various non-sports related interests, I couldn’t be bothered to care anymore.

The funny thing is that football is not without its own share of controversies.

And with every up…

…There is a bit of a down side. There are some inescapable complications if you are a football fan who happens to be (1) a woman and (2) black. Mainly misogyny and racism. It’s not something that smacks me in the face often, but when it pops up it’s like, “….” And it does suck. But I’ve decided I love football too much to allow a segment of mouth-breathing nincompoops to chase me away.

Another thing you hear a lot is that if you are a female football fan you are ONLY watching because you want to see footballers taking off their shorts jerseys. Or all female football fans are groupies and wannabe WAGs, and you can’t be a real football fan if you find a number of these men very attractive. This bothers some female fans a great deal and they go on crusades to prove that they are real fans. I do not have that kind of time or energy.

Do you see this?

And this?

And ESPECIALLY this (Sixteen seconds in…)?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTdAHrp-frE&version=3&hl=en_US]

Yes, those are some very healthy, handsome, athletic men. And I am not ashamed to say that my love of the sport is hardly so noble and pure that I would kick any of them out of my bed. No, I’m afraid I’d have to take one for the team. And if someone has a problem with that sentiment, I’d remind them that I am a heterosexual woman and I don’t want to hear it from champions of the “male gaze”.

I might be “crazy” because…

I am not logical when it comes to football. I am embarrassingly superstitious (I don’t wear my jerseys until AFTER the game is over because I fear a jinx) and I have lied to get out of going out on game day. Just a couple of times, but I felt it would be strange to tell someone, “No, I can’t go out because we twenty minutes left, and it’s tied and I refuse to move my behind from this spot until this game is over.”

Then there is the crying, screaming, swearing, throwing things, jumping up and down, running around the room, running around the house, and randomly hugging whoever is near me (and this is from someone who is not necessarily touchy-feely), etc. that I experience as a result of this sport. The ups and downs can certainly wear on you.

However, I’ve found that it’s totally worth it, and you had better believe I’m already gearing up for the Euro Cup.

Are there any other female football fans out there? Care to share your experiences?

After May 15, I’ll be expecting to be on your Christmas, Kwanza and Hanukkah cards because the mother of all book signings is happening in Los Angeles, and boy oh boy, we’ve got some goodies for only the first 25 people who arrive at Eso Wan book store–you know that one, where BARACK OBAMA and BILL CLINTON came down from Heaven to sign their books. And because I know people, I’ve got some folks really, REALLY excited about getting all of your First Date Ready (FDR). We want you to be FDR inside AND out, so get a relationships book like “Swirling” to get your mind right, and I’ll take care of the rest.

FDR is only for the people to come to the signing and mention the blog and/or Facebook fan page. We’re taking care of our blog peeps first!

So…here’s some of the stuff you’re gonna get, and it’s not even all of it.

SENNA Cosmetics is giving away my FAVORIT-EST lip gloss, “Gorgeous” because I want to all to be.

And the make-up girl’s essential accessory, a make up bag.

Not to be outdone, stila cosmetics is also clamoring to get you FDR. They’re gonna give you this…

THEN, Anastasia Beverly Hills, the guru of eyebrows, is giving away some brow-shaping goodies…

But being FDR is all about the outside. Since I’m a health nut, I got some folks to get you good on the inside. One of which is Barlean’s. Because they have Omega SWIRL, so you can get you skin are glow-y and your hair all flow-y because you’ll be getting our Omega 3′s. Neocell is throwing in some collagen supplements to keep your skin supple, and Pomology: The Science of Fruit is throwing in some supplement samples so you’ll have lots of energy for…whatever.

What. That’s not enough for you? Fine. Vaska is throwing in plenty of samples of their HEAVENLY-smelling laundry detergent so your clothes will be FDR too.

WHAT: Our first “Swirling” book signing and launch of our “First Date Ready” campaign!!

WHEN: 7 PM, Pacific Standard Time

WHERE: Eso Wan Bookstore, 4327 Degnan Blvd., Los Angeles 90008; (323) 290-1048

INFO: For more details visit the official “Swirling” fan page here. Make sure you RSVP, because the more people who do, I might, just might be able to hook up e’rrybody. NOTE! This is an EXCLUSIVE giveaway so we have a magic word like in the old days when they served booze at speakeasy’s. What’s the word? “Swirling,” of course.

A major issue is that when a group of African Americans try to other the undesirables that exist within our ethnic group, they get hit with the “Uncle Tom”/”Traitor to their race” label. The idea being that WE need to stick together NO MATTER WHAT (level of dysfunction must be allowed or tolerated) in order survive as a single race.

She took some time to chat with BB&W this weekend. She talked about her books, career, what happened to the surviving “Good Times” characters, and black women in interracial relationships. Visit her site here.

And for old time’s sake: