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But Matthew hasn’t gotten so famous that he’s forgotten about us over here at BB&W. I just talked to him this morning, so take a listen to what he has to say. There’s a special offer for the BB&W single ladies who buy his book today. Send the receipt via email to christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com and you get a FREE ticket to one of his live “Get the Guy” events. Tell him you’re from BB&W and he’ll even give you a hug.

Event Dates:

For more information on events, click here.

Books are on sale now in bookstores, but you can order online at Barnes and Noble and Amazon.

Don’t forget to turn into the show tonight (it airs after “The Voice”) and let me know what you think!

ED:  Did you have a role model or mentor in your life that challenged you or led to your writing?

DI:  I wouldn’t say a mentor encouraged me to go into writing.  I was making the transition from working as an urban planner and writing on the side.  It was just myself.  I was working crazy hours and I enjoyed writing.  I was like at some point, I need to take a leap of faith and really try to do this.  I don’t want to be 50 years old and be like I never even tried to write a novel.  I could have been Toni Morrison or something.  I had a very supportive partner at the time.  So, I quit my job, started freelancing, cold-pitched people, and was picked up by people I was freelancing for two months.  I took a staff job and gained a lot of experience, and made contacts that I still use today.    One of those people actually turned out to be a cousin, just find that out.  So, you never know how things happen for a reason.  That whole saying is true.

ED:  Back to finding your cousin.  I read that you were a genealogy junkee. Where does that stem from?

DI:  That’s how I found him.  I was all up and through ancestry.com and I found living relatives from all around the country.  So when I moved here 8 years ago, I didn’t have any family here.  It was just my cat, and me I thought.  But with genealogy, I actually have about 30 relatives in this area.  I’m actually going to spend Thanksgiving with them this week. And I met a lot of this earlier this year at the Fourth of July.   So it’s super exciting.

ED:  What has been your experience as a black female writer?  Females already have a glass ceiling in journalism, have you met any challenges?

DI:  Probably just as a female writer in general.  People not taking you seriously, especially if you do entertainment, my goodness.  They may assume that you landed an interview because so and so likes you or because the interviewee is being a little extra because that is what he expects:  groupie chicks.  But as a black female writer, just trying to be very conscious of the image you put out there.  That’s kind of one of the reasons I like being a freelancer now.  Because I can work for a lot of different places and not feel completely caged in by a particular brand or a particular advertiser.  If I don’t want to write about something, I can find someone else or write on my own blog, but I’m very, very conscious.  I’m conscious about putting things out there that I won’t be embarrassed by.  I have 11 nieces and nephews and I want to write things they would not be embarrassed reading.

ED:  I’ve heard of this new idea of bringing black boys into dialogue about engaging black feminism and encouraging them to treat black females in a positive manner.  Do you know about that or any programs?

DI:  I don’t know of anything formal, but I do feel that it is incredibly important.  Because if these little black boys are being indoctrinated into this exotic or white women only idea, that becomes their standard of beauty.  I had a friend say at a party once, “I’m gonna take a white girl home tonight.”  I think he forgets sometimes that I’m a woman.  But he thought I couldn’t say nothing.  No.  I’ve dated everyone in and under the rainbow, but that is not my standard of beauty.  I’m not going to go to a party and say, “I’m going to take a white boy home tonight.”

ED:  So you know, BB&W is an interracial, intercultural dating blog.  What do you think about teaching young females of color that they have that option would create a more positive image of themselves in their minds?

DI:  I think that is a mentality that goes both ways.  Where a lot of black women feel if a white man does approach them, it’s a jungle fever type motive and they’re not comfortable with that.  And the white man is not approaching them because he thinks he doesn’t have swag and that’s what they know about black women. Black women love swag.  They want they broad-shouldered, knucklehead, two chains mentality.  And both of them are really confused. So it ends up with nobody talking to each other and they might have 10,000 things in common.  Race doesn’t happen to be one of them, but they never know because they never make that initial point of contact.  It really falls on both sides to open your mind.

ED:  How would you encourage mothers or black females to mentor young black children to pursue their dreams in the Michelle Obama generation?

DI:  You know I have 11 nieces and nephews and I have an 18-year-old mentee.  So I have a lot of young people in my life.  And a lot of times kids will tell the non-parent adults in their life, things they are not telling their parents.  Sometimes serious stuff.  Sometimes not so serious stuff.  But one thing I have learned is not to be the secret keeper.  If something is major, you need to let the parent know.

But for some of my other cousins and nieces, who see these positive images like Michelle Obama, there is a huge disconnect for them because that is what they do not know.  Because they grew up in the same type of neighborhoods that I grew up in.  So its just, you know, the mom who has the 3 or 4 kids by 3 or 4 different people and is just getting by.  Like they just don’t understand that.  They feel like  people like Michelle Obama, although they know she exist, like they don’t exist. Like there is something special about that.  So I always try to impart to them, that literally I grew up 5 minutes from where some of my nieces and nephew grew up.  “I know where you’ve been, son.  I know where you’re at.  There is nothing special about me in that sense.  I know the same thugs, hoodrats, prostitutes, like all the same characters you have in your life, I’ve had in mine.  But nothing was given to me in that way.  I just took a different path and you can too.  Yes, you’re special in your own way, but its not like magic.  But you can do this.  You know, its not unattainable.

ED:  What is something that you know now that you wish you could tell yourself back then?  If you could go back, what would you tell your younger self?

DI:  Not to be so concerned about the opinions of my peers.  It’s really almost impossible to admit to that.  You know a lot of these experiences that these women discuss  in the film, I didn’t experience that.  I never experienced colorism because I was just brown.  I was always a beanpole.  I always had long hair.  I had different body issues.  I had a friend who had like “the body” since she was 10.  Here I am this beanpole (those were my issues) and I want that!  I was always concerned with what some boy said or what so and so said about my shoes.  But its like in 10 years, I’m not even going to know these people once we graduate.  They will have zero impact on my life at all.  And to let people like that influence you for years (‘cause that stuff sticks with you) when people say things, when you’re at a vulnerable 12 to 13 year old age.  I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and everybody’s grandma’s red beans and rice, steak and potatoes trying to gain weight.  I could have had a heart attack with all that cholesterol.  So I wish I had known then:  Don’t worry about it.  Be you.  Be smart.  These people might be applying for a job from you by the time you’re grown ups.  I wish I had known that.

Thank you for taking a moment to speak with us Demetria!  It was a pleasure meeting you.

Please check out Demetria’s upcoming projects at cocoafab.com and BlackEnterprise.com.  You can also follow her on twitter @Love_Is_Dope.

Sunday night when I turned on the television to watch Oprah’s interview with Rihanna, one thing was clear. A weight had been lifted off Rihanna’s shoulders, and she wasn’t hiding it. Her long wavy hair, bright colored dress, and carefree laugh showed it all. This may have been the work of a good PR team, or a good dose of that Barbados air, but it was obvious that she was happy. A big change from the shredded clothing, inky black haircut, and hardcore lyrics we had been used to seeing her in.

This was aside from the fact that she had just lost one of her best friends– her grandmother. The person who had given her the insight and friendship she needed to get through living a life in the public eye. But even with this mourning going on, the conversation had to make a turn. And yes, Chris Brown was right there waiting at the corner.

It seems as though the mourning of her relationship with Chris Brown is just as strong as the mourning of her grandmother.  When pictures of her face swarmed our T.V. and computer screens, she wasn’t concerned about herself. She was concerned about how the world was negatively viewing Chris Brown. She felt “protective of him.”

Even now, years later she still looks back on their relationship and calls it love. Not just love, but her true love.

WOW. It really scares me to think that she still believes Brown was her true love. How is her next relationship going to improve, if all she can do is look back?

Rihanna stated that one of the best pieces of advice her grandmother gave her was to marry a guy that loved her more than she loved him, because “A man will only meet you half way if they love you a little more.”

I can’t argue that this isn’t great advice. But why isn’t Rihanna following it?

She says that she has been able to forgive Chris Brown because she has finally been able to cease the hatred in her heart for her Dad.

AHA. So here’s the reason: HER DAD.

I can’t pretend to understand what it’s like coming from a broken home, or having a Father that has abused the person who gave you birth.

But I do know that a father is your first male figure, and your parent’s relationship is your first example of how a relationship should be.

Even the smallest details have an impact. My parents don’t go to the grocery store together, and I don’t think my mom has ever asked my Dad’s opinion on what she was wearing.  So when I see this happening with other married couples it’s peculiar to me.

But even being surrounded by college girls, it is easy to see that your view of your Dad has a powerful impact on who you date. Whether that means you’re looking to be a trophy wife, date a guy that has no respect for you, or just be plain independent, it makes a big difference.

And in Rihanna’s case, it made a negative one.  Although it is great that she has been able to make peace with her Dad and her relationship with Chris Brown, I think it’s a little unsafe for her to be THAT CLOSE. The fact that she refers to him as one of her best friends, and so much of who she is is impacted by the definition of her relationship with him is dangerous, because it may be temporary.

Although his relationship with Rihanna may be stable now, it’s when he’s not stable that’s scary. How will that affect her happiness? We’ve all seen that side before…

—What do you guys think: Is Rihanna’s relationship with Chris Brown healthy? How has your parent’s relationship affected yours? Is there a way to avoid relationship struggles even with an absent father?

Think we’re just exaggerating, and this is all in our heads? Think again. Take a look at this. This black man speaks T.R.U.T.H.

Find Wanda at: http://www.youtube.com/Gain
Find Abiola at: http://www.AbiolaTV.com

“What church do you attend?” he asked.

“I am sorry?”

“What church in town do you attend?”

“Oh, none. I am not a Christian,” I take a deep breath and release it, “I am Jewish.”

“Oh,” he said with a confounded look on his face. “Are you a messianic Jew?”

“Um, no.” I said in a matter of fact manner. “No, I am not. Messianic Jew, is another word for Christian. I am a Jew, Jew.”

“So you don’t believe in Jesus?”

“Do you?” I ask.

–Silence–

“Well of course I do. You know you’ll go to hell without Jesus.”

Trying to push down my annoyance, “Well, I guess it’s a good thing that I do not believe in hell.”

Scene 2:

“A Jew? How are you a Jew? Did you know that Jews sold us into slavery, that they hate us?”

“Really? Do you know history?”

“Yes.”

“In that case, if you knew history, you would know that 1)during the time of the slave trade, Jews were escaping persecution in Spain and Portugal and throughout Europe and that the Muslims, particularly the Ottoman Empire, ruled most of Africa at that time. 2) That it was a Jew, a white person, and a black person who formed the NAACP and 3) it was Jewish Rabbis who funded the Civil Rights Movement.”

“Well, they still hate us.”

–Walks away–

Scene 3:

MLK Celebration at YXZ Synagogue:

Jewish lady walks up to me at the end of the service and everyone is high off of the gospel music–Jews love gospel music..

“You all sang beautifully. It brought tears to my eyes”

“Oh, no I wasn’t in the choir. I attend synagogue.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t come with the church?”

“No ma’am, I’ve been attending this synagogue now for over a year.”

“Oh, are you Ethiopian.”

“No,” I say, but I am thinking, ‘Do I look Ethiopian to you?’

“Are you a convert?”

Blank stare, no response. She and I both know she is not supposed to ask that question.

“Well, welcome either way.”

“Thank you.”

—end scene–

This is pretty much how many conversations go down, here in Texas. So, I decided that I needed to address these attitudes. I’ve been wanting to write this post for quite some time and I got the go ahead from Christelyn to do so weeks ago, but I am just getting around to  it. I wanted to broach the topic of non-Christian and non-Muslim religious practices of black women. I decided to do so because 1) I tire of people ASS-uming that I am either a Christian or a Muslim, or even still a convert–that I won’t clear up either; and I get asked a lot of questions about my pen name, “Tanisha Shulamit”.

My pen name  is a combination of my birth name and my Hebrew name. My Hebrew name is Tovah Shulamit and I wear it proudly. The name Tovah means “good” in Hebrew and is normally used in greetings such as, L’Shanah Tova (Happy New Year) or Shavua Tov (Have a good week) and my middle name Shulamit means “peaceful.” For you bible peeps, Shulamit is the chief character in the book, Songs of Songs, for whom King Solomon writes his passionate love letters to. She is  a shepherdess who eventually becomes his wife and Queen of Israel–one day I will break down the erotic aspect about that book, and shock some of you Christians.

Me at the Wall, March 2004, bundled in a friend’s coat. Its was cold, burrr

In general, I tend to keep my religious beliefs to myself because honestly I am not a hard liner however, the beautiful thing about being Jewish is that we do not believe we corner the market on truth and the way to God and there is a lot of leeway in the way that you practice. I, personally believe in universal truths and  in cultural rites and all religions are a mixture of both.

Nor do I discuss how it is that I am Jew because it is not a necessary conversation to have. No one asks how someone became a Christian or Muslim do they? Nope..

I will cover a few other alternative religious practices of black women and the way these practices shape their lives, but first  I wanted to give you a few facts and highlight a couple of amazing celebrities, in this case women, that are both black and Jewish because frankly I am tired of the misconception that all black people are either Christian or Muslim–bow ties and bean pies. There are many of us who are Jewish, Atheists, Deists, Buddhist, Hindus and a slew of other things and for once, I think that we should see this diversity in the media.

Fact #1– There are over 400,000 practicing Jewish Americans of African descent (not Hebrew Israelites, that’s a different group). Many were the result of black and Jewish unions during the Civil Rights Movement. (Jewish Rabbis bankrolled MLKs movement in the 60s) and post civil rights 70s. Some were born Jewish– many slaves converted to Judaism after the Civil War and the Emancipation. And some converted for love and plain belief. And some believe that many of the slaves captured from Africa were Jews–Ethiopia, Ghana  and S. Africa anyone?

Fact #2– There are two (there are others) major sects of Jews in the world, Ashkenazim–Jews from eastern Europe such as Germany, Russia, Poland etc and Sephardim (used to mean Jews from the Iberian peninsula(Spain) but now covers Italian Jews, Jews from Spain, Britain, North Africa and the Middle East.

Fact #3– Do you agree with everything Israel does? No, I do not but at the same time I  do not agree with everything Palestine or America does. I believe in peace and joy for all and I truly believe that we all can have that peace and joy and not at the expense of others. I tend to see both sides of a coin and most times I am neutral. I will call you out when you are wrong and back you up when you are right. I also have family that lives in Israel.

Fact #4– What’s your favorite holiday? Well, my fave holiday(s) are Purim–it is the Jewish answer to Halloween where we celebrate the saving of the Jews in the Persian empire by Esther. This holiday you are permitted to dress up in costumes and get stinking drunk. In fact most people bring their rabbi a bottle of vodka (ashkenazim) or wine/Araq (sephardim). Its a big party where we forget to tell the difference between blessings and curses and it is one of the only holidays we celebrate a woman. I love Rosh Hashana where we celebrate the goodness of god. Its the beautiful Days of Awe and Yom Kippur (day of repentance) where we repent not individually, but as a community because we believe that what one person does the whole community does. And Simcha Torah, when we get to wave Israeli flags and dance around the Torah. We know how to celebrate!

For you who do not know. Here are a few fabulous celebrities –there are some actors but I prefer to focus on women– that are both black and Jewish, to learn more about other Black and Jewish celebrities check out this HuffPost article:

Tracee Ellis Ross, born to singer Diana Ross and a Jewish Father, identifies as Jewish

Katerina Graham, The Vampire Diaries, born to an American Father and an Austrian Jewish Mother

Zoe Kravitz, born to a Jewish Mother Lisa Bonet and Jewish Father, Lenny Kravitz

Sophie Okenedo, born to a Nigerian father and British Jewish mother

Another alternative lifestyle that women practice is Buddhism. The most famous black buddhist female is Tina Turner:

I interviewed a buddhist friend about her beliefs  as a Nichiren Buddhist and this is what she had to say:

Buddhism originated in India, around 2000 years ago by Shakyamuni Buddha. Shakyamuni is known as the “original buddha”. He was born a prince and renounced his royal life to pursue find the cure for human suffering! In 13th century japan a priest, Nichiren Diashonin, discovered the ‘Direct Path’ to that “Cure”, the chanting of Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo! The practice for ALL people!!!

Nichiren Diashonin, a 13th century monk, studied for many years, the different writing of Buddhism, 1000 of sutras (teachings)… He discovered that from all the sutras the most significant was The Lotus Sutra. All the other sutras were based on the capacity of the people to understand…so it was mostly parables and similes, and stories to teach the basic principles of the path to enlightenment (to perceive the truth of life). On the other hand the Lotus Sutra was based solely on the depth if Shakyamuni’s advanced capacity to perceive the truth about life. Nichiren deduced the simply the title was the most profound sound found throughout the universe…and chanting it over and over would put you in rhythm with the universe. To perceive that life is Cause and Effect and that that is the Law of the universe!

The main practice of Nichiren Buddhism is chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. When chanting, you are fusing your life with the rhythm of the universe, you are able to tap into the deepest level of your being and bring forth the best most capable you, you are capable of being! Chanting is coupled with faith and study to increase your understanding and conviction in achieving world peace-through Each and Every person undergoing their own Human Revolution!  At the age of 24 I was introduced to this practice by my best friend-her mother had at that time been practicing for 25 years!

Then there are those who follow either no religious practices or who have adopted a Pan-Africanist stance on religion like singer Erykah Badu:

Another friend of mine, Nikki DaVinci has no religious beliefs and this is what she has to say about her background:

Nikki daVinci

“My mother was not religious until she got married to a religious man.  Sometimes she would take us to churches all christian churches.   She didn’t force me to go to church until I was about 15.   I did have a family I stayed with for summer (Fresh Air Fund) that made church and religion seem magical.  That fascinated me.  They bought me my first bible.  I liked reading it because the stories really interested me.”

Although I am Jewish, I truly believe that God, the goddess, is in all and is all and that our main purposes on this earth are to discover the god-like essence in ourselves and Tikkun Olam which in Hebrew means to ‘heal the world’ through healing ourselves and by extension healing others–basically discovering our humanity. I also believe that sin in the Jewish sense is a crime that I commit against another fellow human being or animal–the Commandments anyone?

I hope that this post will be a thing used to open dialogue among us to talk about our different paths to godliness/righteousness and most especially humanity–this is more what Judaism is about, our relationship with humanity–and to see just how much in common we have than not. And from this day forth, never assume that every black person you meet is either a Christian, Muslim or convert. Just as our personalities are a diverse and reflect different aspects of god so are our religious beliefs and practices.

That’s why some many people are so pissed off with organized religion and are just about ready to chuck it altogether. I sat down with Shay Dawkins, author of “The Good News: How Revealing Delusions In Christianity Will Bring Peace To All,” and he confirmed a lot of things I’ve been thinking and feeling for a long time.

Take a listen, and then decide for yourself.

Take a listen: