ASwirlGirl

Why You’re Not Married . . . Yet – The Straight Talk You Need to Get the Relationship You Deserve by Tracy McMillan is based on the ubiquitous article Tracy wrote for the Huffington Post in February 2011. The piece unleashed a firestorm of conversation, special comment threads and a counter article on CNN Living.

McMillan doesn’t claim to be an expert, yet she believes that the fact that she’s been married and divorced three times, has experienced three live-in relationships, and had a large number of boyfriends yielded her a great deal of practical wisdom.  She also claims that she has messed up in relationships to such an extent that she has a good idea of what works and what doesn’t. [Christelyn barging in here--Terry will co-star with my buddy, Matthew Hussey on a reality show coming this fall!!]

McMillan’s original article listed six factors she attributed as causes for women’s perpetual single statuses:

      1.            You’re a bitch

      2.            You’re shallow

      3.            You’re a slut

      4.            You’re a liar

      5.            You’re selfish

      6.            You’re not good enough

A follow up article  posted by McMillan in May 2012 added four additional reasons:

      7.            You’re a mess

      8.            You’re crazy

      9.            You’re a dude

  10.            You’re godless

These 10 reasons form the chapters in McMillan’s new book. The book begins with a 38-question True/False quiz. The object of the quiz is to show the reader how much she needs the book (I scored an 8, which meant I “sort of” needed the book even though I probably already know everything in it).

Each chapter features a consistent format:

• Three reflective questions
• McMillan’s personal insight regarding lessons she learned
• An illustrative example of the chapter using one of McMillan’s friends or acquaintances
• Discussion regarding how the chapter  relates to “some relevant stuff about men”
• Advice concerning what the reader needs to do to change
• In-your-face statements that summarize the chapter

Using this framework gave the book a nice flow and made each chapter easy to read.

Here’s a chapter-by-chapter breakdown. Per McMillan’s definitions, you’re not married yet, because:

Chapter 1 – You’re a Bitch

A “Bitch” is someone who freely unleashes angry energy and secretly enjoys doing so. A “Bitch” wants total control and is unloving, manipulative, judgmental, and spiteful. This bitchiness stems from a fear of hurt, rejection, and vulnerability. The bottom line? A Bitch just hates to be nice.

A woman needs to tame her inner Bitch because, according to McMillan, “Inside every man is a very simple creature who just wants to enjoy a woman, not do battle with her.”

I know a few “Bitches” (who doesn’t?) and I can certainly understand why chopping men off at the knees would not be considered  . . . well, endearing.

Chapter 2 – You’re Shallow

Being shallow means that a woman is “more concerned with how a man looks than how he is.” Shallow women give factors such as a man’s outward appearance and financial status more importance than his character.

McMillan took a lot of time explaining the pitfalls of shallowness and her points made sense. One thing stressed by BB&W is “character over color.” It doesn’t hurt to choose character over other external factors.

Chapter 3 – You’re a Slut

Basically, sluts engage in casual sex with men who aren’t committed to them, or engage in prolonged sexual relationships with men who won’t commit to them. This behavior is an antithesis to a woman who wants to be married.

McMillan’s premise is that quality men don’t fall in love or marry because of sex; they marry if and when they want to. A woman who uses sex as a means to getting a man to commit may find herself on the short end of the stick – pun intended.

Chapter 4 – You’re Crazy

Women who are “cray cray” (yes, McMillian actually uses this term) are intense, carry a ton of drama; are needy, easily hurt, jealous, insecure, dependent, and out of control.

McMillan advocates getting professional help and developing a hobby to help women develop relationships with themselves. While I agreed with her advice,  it came across a bit weakly on providing practical help.

Chapter 5 – You’re Selfish

A selfish woman approaches men largely in terms of what they do for her – how they make her feel, how they make her look, and add to her life. Selfish women take and don’t give.

McMillian advocates that women combat selfishness by engaging in service – giving – rather than constantly seeking to receive. Her pointers were noble and made sense, but may be perceived as somewhat simplistic when considering someone who is selfish to the core.

Chapter 6 – You’re a Mess

In a nutshell, women who are a mess have “issues.” McMillan defines marriage-hindering-issues as those factors that we try to hide – alcoholism, eating disorders, out of control spending habits, OCD. McMillan makes good points, but is weak on offering concrete solutions.

Chapter 7 – You Hate Yourself

Women who self-hate never think they’re good enough. Self-hatred foils attempts at finding true love because it constantly sabotages and becomes a self-fulfilling negative prophecy. The subject matter of this chapter can be a deep one for BW on a number of levels. We’ve all heard and know that we have to love ourselves before we can truly love someone else; this chapter holds to this principle.

Chapter 8 – You’re a Liar

Liars aren’t honest with themselves or with the men they date. Liars also aren’t honest with themselves or with men about what they want out of a relationship. If what you really want is marriage, then don’t lie and say you’re ok being a friend with benefits.

I view this reason as one of the strongest to consider for those who truly want to be married. Facing and denouncing the lies you tell yourself and those you date helps you to zero in on what you want and will cause you to adjust your behavior accordingly.

Chapter 9 – You’re a Dude

This chapter encourages women to tap into what McMillan calls their “inner feminine.” At first glance one would think that inner feminine refers to being girly; it doesn’t. Instead, it references being attuned to your inner power as a woman and knowing what makes you uniquely attractive. This is a valid point, yet I think it’s an intrinsic one that may be hard for some women to grasp.

Chapter 10 – You’re Godless

This was one of the most interesting chapters. Women who are “godless” make a man their “source.” Placing this level of importance on men scares them and thus causes them to run in the opposite direction. Bottom line: The status you would normally give to a “higher power” should not be attached to your relationship or your man.

Closing Thoughts

This book should be approached with the understanding that McMillan is not placing all the relationship blame on the shoulders of women, or looking to bash women for their single status. Instead, the purpose of the 10 reasons is an attempt to help women examine their lives and possibly change their minds about men, marriage, and themselves. The book is more robust than I expected it to be and it exceeded my expectations. Overall, it provides a great deal of food for thought and is quite worthy of consideration.

My rating: B+

“Swirling”—a social term that refers to the recent interracial dating boom in America is now a crucially important book that every Black woman should read. Written by Christelyn D. Karazin and Janice Rochelle Littlejohn—two beautiful sisters who’ve experienced all races of men and have very compelling information to share—the book is a porthole into the world of possibilities that await Black women when we dare to wander beyond the gates of today’s dying Black community and reinvent ourselves, making our own options; our own realities.

Sadly, as much as I enjoyed reading “SWIRLING” and found myself laughing and slapping my knees in agreement with the author’s and their experiences—I became very upset when I tried to get other Black women to read the book and found myself met with walls of stubborn resistance. I decided to write this review to say a few things that I feel a mother would tell a daughter. The first thing being that as an African-born woman who comes from a tribe and a clan, I would love nothing better than to see a world of “Black love” and the continuation of our people in the African sense—I myself married a wonderful Black man and have two wonderful sons. But the reality is—we now live in an age where Black men’s media images worship every kind of woman but Black. It’s an era when many Black men publicly instruct each other to ‘use black women for sex and money’ and reserve love and marriage for ‘anything but a black woman’—creating the statistical reality that most Black women will not be able to find suitable mates in their own group and are more likely to be abandoned after being ‘used for sex’ with babies.

We also, as Black women, need to understand where this compulsion to be loyal to Black men at the expense of our own lives comes from.

Ever since there’s been an African—the honor of having a life has been packaged and bestowed as an entitlement for little Black boys. Little Black girls were raised to protect, respect and celebrate the entitlements of the little Black boy’s life—as it’s drilled into us that the whole world is out to destroy him. If need be, the hopes and dreams of the African female is to be sacrificed for him we are raised; that his right to soar is the most important thing.

Beyond hollow Nationalist rhetoric and words, there has been no altar where either boys or girls worshipped Black women—but we imposed rather a male-identified worker bee culture that patronized the elderly Big Mama and pitted black male beauty, cool and self-interest as the symbolic value of African virility.

Pan-Tribal-Clan tradition injected racial reproduction as the sole value of the Black woman—because back before slavery and colonialism, when Black men loved being dark, powerfully authentic African males, they needed our dark wombs in order to be born again in their own image. The reproduction of “Black Sons” was the most centrally important ritual throughout African cultural hierarchy. Therefore Black women were acculturated to be most loyal and loving of the Black man—to see her world as out of balance unless he was reborn—while he on the other hand was acculturated to see Black women as his faceless obligated worker bees; his caretaking backbones and emotional bastions—long suffering inanimate reproduction vessels that could be taken for granted depending on his up or his down.

For these reasons, our stupefied loyalty to Black men has been extremely hard to shake. While other races of women are publicly and profusely ‘watered’ like flowers by the men of their societies—Black women, no matter where they exist on the planet, are the only flower among humans that perpetually grows ‘unwatered.’ She is constantly called “strong” and told: “be a strong black woman and take it like a man.” Any caring on her part for her inner self is treated as an affront to all the other humans she serves. If she defends or imposes her own will, then she is dismissed as ‘angry,’ ‘bitter,’ ‘non-supportive,’ and historically undeserving of happiness.

In my writings as a Womanist Black African author, I strive to bring a new message to young woman. My message is that we are the center of the universe and that our loyalty should be to our wombs—that we like those who like us; and discard those who fail to acknowledge and honor us.

What makes me so love and strongly recommend “SWIRLING” is that finally, here is a ray of sunshine of a book that joyously, comically and seriously takes the side of Black women without blinking an eye and without alienating other types of readers—even Black males.

While Janice Littlejohn takes the clinical and more scientific role in the book, Christelyn Karazin gives us the ‘warm and fuzzy’—both women graciously offering up their own personal lives to weave a tapestry of love, information and self-acceptance that can only help anyone who dares read “SWIRLING”. And let me tell you Black women—we truly need to be reading this book, if for nothing else than to educate and expand our minds to what’s out there. Our landscape whether we like it or not is changing. The future is now and “SWIRLING” is right on time. Get your copy.

So on February 15 we’re gonna have a nice chat about it.

Vickie milazzo by Christelyn

Buy the book right from her website, and grab a sneak peak inside the book here.

Here’s my first question just to get the conversation started. Get out your wine and cheese, cuz this is gonna be good!

Why the cuss do you think this book is so groundbreaking? Did black women REALLY need a black man’s permission to swirl?

But as usual, Kola had a lot to say about a lot of stuff, so I just let her talk. Trust me, it was enough. Bonus: Every woman who is on the fence about interracial relationships, but is torn by some sense of “black love” loyalty should get an ear horn at about 43 minutes into the interview. Osama’s penis size is revealed around the end.

Kola Boof “The Sexy Part Bible” by Christelyn

Details on the upcoming book discussion will appear on the BB&W Facebook fan page. Buy the book here.

Don’t expect Substitute Me, by author and Temple University journalism professor, Lori Tharps, to follow that meme. The central character, Zora, is a pretty, smart and talented African American chick who comes from a wealthy family, and if they knew she was working as somebody’s domestic servant, they’d snatch her out of New York and back to Michigan for some intense deprogramming sessions.

I sat down for at the e-coffee table with Tharps, who gave me the rundown on this nanny story with a VERY interesting twist. Take a listen:

BB&W Book Club June Tharps by Christelyn

Have you signed up to discuss the book with us at the end of June? No? Whats-a-matta, you?! allergic to good readin’?