The bloggosphere was abuzz with Eve’s apparent surprise at finding serious, deep, and lasting love with a white guy, while in virtually in the same breath complaining how it’s 2012 and people should stop making such a big deal about interracial relationships.

The Black Woman’s Dilemma

Therein, my dears, in plain view of everyone, lies the soul-wrenching dilemma black women in American face when they think about, act on, and pursue interracial relationships. It’s also the reason why I wrote SWIRLING. Yes, in 2012, MOST people can love folks of another race without most folks blinking an eye. But not so for black women. It is beat into our psyches almost from birth that no man, except a black man can legitimately appreciate our non-Western-ideal beauty, and any man of any other race (including and especially white men) should be viewed with rabid suspicion and subjected to paying the “white boy tax” in which he will have to jump through hoops, have a degree in African studies, self-flagellate in pittance for his privileged birth, and be absolutely gorgeous, because why else would you date a white guy unless he looked like Brad Pitt in his glory days?  And if he’s ugly or even just average, he BETTER have a lot of money. In other words, the GAT-DL demands a REASON for why a black woman would want to date interracially. Has she dated all the plumbers, FedEx delivery guys and felons FIRST before she decided to “play in the snow?” Does she need to be partially left deaf in one ear by Wesley Snipes before it’s okay to “go white?” Basically…yeah.

Such ideas are ground into our minds so far that we end up being more shocked that anyone around us when we find ourselves in an interracial relationship. Many of us are shocked, simply because we’ve been told that no non-black man would be caught dead in public with us. Some of us are shocked because we have always pictured ourselves coupled and married to black men because that’s what we truly believe is all that is available to us.

So yes, Eve, it’s 2012. But for many black women swirling for the first time, it might as well be 1912–at least in their own mind and the self-imposed limitations they put upon themselves.

And then there’s the plethora of blogs dedicated to discouraging black women from acting upon all their dating options. Here’s their central arguments: Only a teeny-tiny number of black women actually will find white mates because non-black men mostly find black women disgusting; only black women who look white are appealing to white men (but, why not just date a white woman? That logic fails these idiots);  interracial marriage between white men and black women are such a small number as to not be counted and, “NEE-NER NEE-NER NEE-NER” black men do it twice as much and non-black women and black women d*ck ride us, so THERE!!; and never mind that black men swirl twice as much, only black women are sell outs when they swirl. You’d be shocked and surprised at how many black women internalize these messages, which is the point of why these psychopaths establish those blogs anyway.

The good news? It may be 2012, but only for another month. Things are getting better for us everyday.

While you’re out and about, or rather, in and hovered over the computer screen, saunter over to Amazon or Barnes and Noble and pick up a copy (or five) of SWIRLING for yourself and for your gaggle of chronically-single friends. Remember, SWIRLING isn’t just for women–tons and TONS of men have read it and love it. SWIRLING is available in hard copy and e-book version. You can also send SWIRLING as a gift in both formats. It’s also available on iTunes.

Studies show that depression is at it’s peak during the holidays. Many people are lonely because they don’t have anyone special. SWIRLING might be just the thing to galvanize such a lonely soul to go out and find their Mr. or Mrs. Right. Therefore, SWIRLING is a cure for holiday depression.

“What’s this, Helen, a cure to my chronic depression? THANK YOU!!”

Meeting your rainbeau’s parents for the first time doesn’t have to be a disaster if you prep yourself in advance. I go into great detail on how to do this successfully in SWIRLING, and if you’re nervous about the first meeting, I strongly suggest you download the electronic copy and read it in time for Thanksgiving.

Rules of Conversation

Information Gathering: Time to grill your partner, because to be forewarned is to be forearmed. Find out what topics are off-limits, because the off-the-table discussions can go beyond the standard politics and religion. Conversely, find out in advance what topics you boo’s parents love to discuss and capitalize off of that knowledge.  For example, “John tells me you have a hundred-year-old coin collection. I’d love to hear about it,” or “I understand you used to play classical piano. I’ve always wanted to learn. Have any tips on how I can get started?” People love to talk about themselves. The more you let your rainbeaus parents talk, the less you’ll have to struggle to make conversation.

And a few more tips to remember:

Be tactful. Don’t ask your honey’s mother if she’s happy with her plastic surgery.

Don’t brag. It will be tempting, especially if you feel you you have to “prove” yourself in some way. Don’t be the one to check off your resume like you’re in an interview. Let your guys be the one who brags about you.

Don’t interrupt. This was a major hurdle for me, because my family were notorious for bulldozing over people when they were trying to speak. I thought it was natural until a friend pointed out how unbelievably rude it was.

Avoid no-meaning silence fillers. Bite your tongue before you say, “Um…like, you know,” separately or altogether in a sentence. It makes you look less intelligent and insecure. It’s okay to take a few beats of silence while you get your thoughts together.

Do’s and Don’t at the Dinner Table

Do say “please and thank you”

Do know which fork, knife and spoon to use at a formal dinner setting.

Don’t wear a ton of lipstick at dinner. Some will inevitably get on your teeth and it’s just awkward to the folks around you.

This should go without saying, but don’t speak with your mouth full. If you just have to respond, put the napkin over your mouth until you stop chewing.

Don’t put your dirty fork or knife on the clean tablecloth. Keep your utensils on your plate or in your hands.

And for the love of God, turn off that frickin’ frackin’ cell phone!

Ah…the bathroom pic. I normally hate these, but he’s so scrum-delish I’ll let it slide.

He calls himself, “YoungTeach” because yes, at 26, he’s young, and works as a music teacher to a predominately African American student body in Southaven, Mississippi . He’s a newbie to interracial dating, and apparently read SWIRLING in two days. I love him already. Here’s what he wrote me yesterday:

I just received your message on my blog.  I must say, I’m flattered that you would contact me regardless of the situation.  I bought a digital copy of Swirling and read it in two days.  This was after spending hours on your blog, devouring as much as I could.  You, personally, have shaped much of my (albeit brand-new) outlook on the world of interracial dating; and, on the subject of black women in particular.  In fact, it was you who inspired me to start my own blog! 

Okay he’s in the will! I can not tell you how unbelievably fulfilling it is to know that you produced something that changes the course of someone’s life–even if it’s just their love life. It’s awesome sauce to the nth degree.

Here’s more about him. Single ladies, (especially our BB&W Staff) take some notes!

Well, I’m new to swirling, so I can’t provide a whole lot of insight just yet, but I can say that it’s interesting!  I’ve only gone on one “date,” technically.  It seems like the women I’ve spoken to are really interested right off the bat, and then cool off really quickly.  I’m not certain about the reasoning, just yet.  I think women are reluctant to start something that could potentially turn serious, as relates to interracial dating.  The first girl I met, and had a date with, I think was just interested in sex but wasn’t ready to admit that.  The second one was really interested one day, and then disappeared the next.  She was also twenty-two and looking to move soon, so she seemed to me to be a commitment-phobe.  I met another but we just spoke a bit, I gave her my number and haven’t heard from her since.

I’ve read that black women are reluctant to date white guys for many reasons, and I feel like those reasons are probably exacerbated by the complex racial climate in the South.  I’m actually getting just as much enjoyment out of discovering the subtleties and truths of interracial dating down here, as I am from the actual dating process!

All in all, I’m hopeful for myself and my future relationships but blogging is proving to be a fantastic outlet for my thoughts, which can get a bit disorganized and unreliable as far as positive information flow is concerned.

I’m open to any advice you may have, though I will certainly continue to be a BB&W reader.

Side note: The girls you work with are beautiful, and present such an intellectually unabashed front.  I can imagine that if there were a central office where everyone worked in close proximity, that would be a place I would enjoy to be in!

So check “YoungTeach” out before some southern belle snatches him up! Shout out to Brenda55 for bringing this cutie to my attention!

——————————————

Paul (from Oakland CA)

As the (unseen) male voice on the video, I’d like to add a few comments.  For those of us who are relatively new to interracial dating (less than a year), learning the social cues/values of another race can take some time.  (Especially for white men who may have little experience with the culture of black women.)  However, as a white male, I personally find that learning about black women has been very rewarding.  This is a thought I’d like to see more white men discover.  

Why?

From a personal perspective, I have recently looked beyond myth and stereotype and have discovered that black women are incredible, remarkable and beautiful.  Yet, as a group, black women are too often physically abused, disrespected, socially limited and under-appreciated.  Beauty is meant to be appreciated. It is a crime the beauty of black women has been made socially invisible to a large segment of our culture — and even to them.  To the extent I failed to perceive this beauty in the past, my bad.

From a practical perspective, white men are the best natural allies in the battle to counter the negative misconceptions of black women.   Why?  Black men and white women might think they benefit from the existing misconceptions.  (Actually they don’t, but that is another matter.)  Thus, even if the majority of black men and white women are supportive of treating black women with equal respect (including the right to engage in interracial dating between white men and black women), there are still too many who are secretly (or even openly) hostile to the idea of a white man even paying attention to a black woman.  However, there is no advantage for white men (a statistically large segment of society) to perpetuate the prejudice that prevents everyone from seeing black women as being beautiful and valuable. In fact, their failure to appreciate black women is their own loss.     

From a social justice perspective, every group should be “allowed” and encouraged to view black women as beautiful, valuable and desirable.  Prejudice and social stereotypes that “limit” expression, care, concern and love for black women is wrong — and it has many negative consequences.  It is a sad truth that violence against black women is largely ignored.  Maybe it is ignored by different people for different reasons, but it would not be ignored if black women were truly appreciated by all.  Even if black women recognize their own value, they will suffer so long as their value can only be appreciated by some black men  — and then hidden away from all others.   

Of course, to do this, white men and black men must overcome the prejudice and hate that arises when a white man and black woman break stereo-type to discover and appreciate each other as individuals.  This will be a new experience for many white men.  When I was yelled at for holding hands with a black woman, I was surprised. (I do not have much experience in being the subject of a racial attack.)  She was not surprised —She was pissed because she was sick and tired of receiving this kind of abuse! I got a glimpse of her world, yet I still have much to learn.  

But even though interracial dating might not always be easy, it is worth it.  Breaking down the barriers of racial prejudice is a noble and worthy cause — especially when coupled with the prospect of a “happily-ever-after” ending for two people.  Go find your love!

Interracial dating between all races is an idea whose time has come. March on!

In this second trailer, Kerry Washington’s character appears to have a more prominent role and get more screen time in the film. Circumstances could have changed in several ways since the release of the initial trailer: Not much footage featuring Kerry was filmed and ready for promotional efforts when the first trailer was released, but not that footage is available for promotion; 2) marketers have been paying attention to what the public has been saying about the film, such as wanting to see more of Kerry’s character in the flick before deciding whether or not the movie is worth seeing, and/or 3) the marketers have heard the complaints of some members of the movie viewing public about the way that black women would be represented in the film, and thus a decision was made to do more to promote a less negative view of black women.

Lyneka Little, writing for the Wall Street Journal, says about the new trailer:

The blood that spatters the cotton fields as Django takes out a victim is an apt symbol for the approach of this film. It seems to be transforming the tropes of the slave movie genre into something more suitable for the age–Tarantino is looking for vengeance, not just sorrow; heroes, not just victims–in other words, this is a kind of cinematic emancipation. (John Singleton attempted something along these lines in his 1997 movie “Rosewood,” and so did Steven Spielberg that same year with “Amistad.”) Could Tarantino’s take ultimately be more empowering to viewers than, say, something like Steve McQueen’s coming “Twelve Years a Slave”? We won’t know until both films are out.

Little is correct: We won’t know for sure what to think of ‘Django Unchained’ or ’12 Years A Slave’ until they are released, but the doesn’t mean that people will stop speculating and questioning about the content both films will promote.

Does this new trailer change how you felt about going to see ‘Django Unchained’?
______________________________________
Jamila Akil is a senior editor at Beyond Black and White. Follow her on Twitter @jamilaakil or email her at jamilathewriter-at-gmail-dot-com.

I have some AMAZING news! My buddy and person I want to be when I grow up, Sophia Angeli Nelson, political pundit and kick-arse writer of Black Woman Redefined will be joining us for our “Election Decompression” event on November 7th!

If you haven’t yet bought Black Woman Redefined, first, I feel sorry for you because you don’t know what you’re missing. Second, don’t fret. We’ll be selling copies of the book, which will be released in paperback by then at the venue.

About Sophia:

Sophia A. Nelson is an accomplished woman on the move. She is a much sought after speaker, media/political commentator, national columnist and first time author who is “redefining” the rules for 21st  Century living and success.

As one of only a handful of African American female national opinion writers and political/cultural pundits, Sophia contributes to The Washington Post, CNN Opinion, TheGrio.com, TheRoot.com, NPR, and is featured regularly on all of the major networks (ABC, CBS, NBC) as well as Cable outlets such as CNN, MSNBC, FOX, and BET.

Sophia speaks on topics ranging from workplace retention and advancement strategies for women of color, to relationships, health & wellness, spirituality, and career transformation. She is a former United States House of Representatives Committee Counsel, and a Defense Industry Lobbyist with the “top 25” nationally ranked law firm of Holland & Knight LLP. She is admitted to practice as an Attorney in New Jersey & Washington, D.C. and before the United States Supreme Court. She began her legal career in 1994 as a State Regulatory Counsel & Business Advisor to New Jersey Governor Christine Todd Whitman (R-NJ).

Sophia earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Political Science (Minor in Africana Studies) from San Diego State University (the largest campus of the California State University system) in 1990. She earned her Juris Doctorate Degree from American University-Washington College of Law (after transferring from Washington & Lee University-Law School in 1992) in 1994.

Sophia is single & resides in Loudoun County Virginia. Her first book Black Woman Redefined examines the inner lives of accomplished black women and will be published in 2011. She is also a proud member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. (Xi Omega Graduate Chapter).

What’s more, Sophia swirls. She’s engaged to a very handsome I-talian.

The deets:

Time: 6PM-9PM
Location: Tonic Foggy Bottom 2036 G Street Northwest, Washington, DC
296-0211
Cost: Free entry, two-drink minimum

Better hurry up and RSVP! If you’re on Facebook, click here to reserve. If you’re not on Facebook, email me at christelyn@beyondblackwhite.com.

And the crowd…all I can say is there is truly no place on the planet like San Francisco–which is why is topped the list in Swirling as some of the most swirl-friendly cities in America. You can truly just BE who you ARE, and LOVE who you LOVE with absolutely no judgement for anyone. San Francisco for black women is more like what I hear some places of Europe or Canada, where the color of someone’s skin as a determinate in a relationship is about as irrelevant as Stacy Dash’s endorsement of Mitt Romney.

We had a great, ecclectic crowd with some cuties…especially Micha, the guys Janice had her eye on…

That’s Micha in the plaid.

Like I said, the comedians were funny!

Janice lends her lips to her new fan!

And let me take a brief moment to thank our sponsor, DateWhoYouWant.com for footing the bills…

But honestly the most fun I had was pretending to be “the tough girl” as a Halfbreed model.The founder, Rudy Tabasa, has a knack with the camera.

Gotta love the bros that give support! Mr. Afro-Cuban bought a copy…

Yours Truly cheesing with HalfBreed Founder and photographer, Rudy Tabasa. Down girls–he’s married with kids!

Thanks, Rudy!

Attention Washington, D.C., Virginia, and Maryland Members of the BB&W Crew! End of the year Blog Party with Sophia Angeli Nelson!

Just found out my idol and friend, Sophia Angeli Nelson, author of Black Woman Redefined is going to be joining us for some post-election decompression and a lively debate about love relationships and political philosophy.  Click here are the details.