Beyond Black & White » Black Women’s Improvement Project (BWIP) http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Sat, 01 Nov 2014 04:12:53 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0 On Vetting: Dump Toxic People Who Prefer You to Sustain Unhealthy Habits http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/vetting-dump-toxic-people-prefer-sustain-unhealthy-habits/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/vetting-dump-toxic-people-prefer-sustain-unhealthy-habits/#comments Thu, 30 Oct 2014 05:23:12 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34421 I ran across a news story about a woman who lost 150 pounds of extra weight who had to also end an engagement with a man who would rather see her morbidly obese for his own fetishizing and pleasure than to keep the weight so she could save her life. Eve Parker told the Huffington […]

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I ran across a news story about a woman who lost 150 pounds of extra weight who had to also end an engagement with a man who would rather see her morbidly obese for his own fetishizing and pleasure than to keep the weight so she could save her life.

Eve Parker told the Huffington Post, There was always this inner conflict of the very thing that was killing me — giving me the sleep apnea, my blood pressure was 200 over 100 — the very thing that was keeping me so unhealthy was the very thing giving me the one thing I wanted, which was love and acceptance from a man.” It was when Parker’s doctor informed her that she “may not live to be 40″ that she knew she had to make a change, even if it meant breaking up with the man she loved.


Young black woman showing her  hands palm - African people

Ladies, run far from ANYONE whose love is contingent on your maintaining dangerous habits that can lead to your destruction or diminishment. And this isn’t just about the people around you who are invested in keeping you obese and risking your life. It could also be that man who insists on not wearing a condom. Or a girlfriend who is more comfortable with your dating bums and thugs like she is. Is could also be that aunt or cousin who pokes fun or your healthy eating habit. These people are selfish and care more about their own comfort and pleasure than they care for you.

Keep them away. Very, very far away.

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Listen Ladies! If You’re Going to Complain About How “Black Men Hate You” While Scoffing at Expanding Your Options…Then You’re Just Begging. http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/listen-ladies-youre-going-complain-black-men-hate-scoffing-expanding-options-youre-just-begging/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/listen-ladies-youre-going-complain-black-men-hate-scoffing-expanding-options-youre-just-begging/#comments Tue, 21 Oct 2014 16:30:39 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=34092 I wasn’t going to write about it. I wasn’t. I saw the article on the Huffington Post  like everyone else; about the woman who bemoaned out loud to mainstream America what many of us have picked up on for quite some time–there’s more than a few black men out there that aren’t too fond of […]

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I wasn’t going to write about it.

I wasn’t.

I saw the article on the Huffington Post  like everyone else; about the woman who bemoaned out loud to mainstream America what many of us have picked up on for quite some time–there’s more than a few black men out there that aren’t too fond of black women, and that’s putting it VERY kindly.

On one hand, I thought the article published in such a highly circulated blog might be a positive thing, because it seems as if more black women are FINALLY beginning to ask the right questions.

But here’s where articles like this fall flat and makes black women look like pathetic beggars asking for stinky leftovers: When you acknowledge the problem (widespread disrespect, lack of reciprocity, wholesale rejection based on hue and hair texture hierarchy) and then STILL remain resistant about expanding your dating options with men of other races not shackled with all that self-hating baggage, proclaiming despite spittle running down your face that “You love the brothers and no one else will do!!!” then…you kind of look like an idiot. Worse; the men you so ardently proclaim you love lose what little respect they have left for you, because you’re basically saying that these men can do WHATEVER they want to you, and no matter what, you will STILL love them. *In my Dr. Phil voice, “How’s that working out for you?!”* Your martyrdom won’t make the men who’ve decided that you’re the most disgusting women on the planet change their minds. It only opens you up to further exploitation, draining of your time, and the destruction of your spirit.

annoyed-black-woman

More black women need to have this attitude:

Complaining, whining and bemoaning your station while stubbornly refusing to implement your own agency to change your inferior position (the beggar, not the begged for) is not showing yourself love. You were not put on this earth to be at the service of men who spit and shit on you while patting you on the head and use you as a jizz receptacle. You are MORE than that. You deserve BETTER than that. Could it mean a white man can give you better? Maybe. Could it mean an Asian man could give you better? Maybe. Could it mean a Hispanic man, or an Indian man, or an Eskimo could treat you better? YOU’LL NEVER KNOW, WILL YOU, IF YOU KEEP TURNING THEM DOWN FOR MEN WHO DON’T WANT YOU!!

So for the people who will come in here to proclaim that I hate black men for pointing out that water is wet and the sky is blue, just know I don’t hate you. I just love black women more than you do.

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Live Tweeting from Ferguson; But Is @Jack Dorsey a Potential Ally for Black Women? http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/is-jack-dorsey-ally-for-black-women/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/is-jack-dorsey-ally-for-black-women/#comments Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:33:49 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32834 By Dani What does Jack Dorsey’s recent presence in Ferguson, Missouri mean? Inquiring minds on the left and right went abuzz as Jack Dorsey, the prolific founder of Twitter and Square, was live tweeting from Ferguson, Missouri for nearly two weeks. Apparently he was raised in the City of St. Louis, not far at all […]

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By Dani

DorseyJackTEDetroit

What does Jack Dorsey’s recent presence in Ferguson, Missouri mean? Inquiring minds on the left and right went abuzz as Jack Dorsey, the prolific founder of Twitter and Square, was live tweeting from Ferguson, Missouri for nearly two weeks. Apparently he was raised in the City of St. Louis, not far at all from Ferguson:

Jack STL

Conservatives grumble that he’s just the latest rich Silicon Valley liberal (with a platform) to jump on board a do-gooder cause , whereas liberals see his presence as validation of the impact social media can bring for participants and followers of social movements.

Yet, I see something different entirely. I see an innovator (granted, possibly with political aspirations), willing to jump onto the front line to document the chaos transpiring a few miles from his childhood home. Whereas perennial black vote beggar Hillary Clinton took over two weeks to even mention Ferguson. When I think about Square transforming the lives of millions of small business owners (about 900,000 small business are owned by black women) and all of the awareness “Black Twitter” brought to the Renisha McBride and Teleka Patrick cases, I wonder what other inventions Jack Dorsey might dream up that could better the lives of black women.

I see a risk taker and wonder, “is he a potential ally?” In looking at an ancient list of the top concerns facing black women, I wonder where his innovative mind could be useful. Are there areas he might make a worthy partner?

While of course black women should not be looking to saviors to solve our concerns, sometimes it is helpful to get an outside perspective. Sometimes I worry that our black organizations focus too much on recognizing success or past ghosts and aren’t doing enough brainstorming to generate new solutions to solve the now generations-old problems plaguing our communities. Are disruptors, futurists or proven innovators ever brought in to help generate fresh ideas that do not rely on the government? There are so many exercises we regularly undertake in Corporate America to create our next product, service or ad campaign that I would love to apply to black women.

So let’s sound off in the comments. What are the top three ills you believe black girls and/or women face today? What new ideas should be explored to resolve them? And, how can technology help?

Jack, if you’re reading, the door is open.

 

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Intimacy Is Not Built Through Sex. Surprised? http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/intimacy-built-sex/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/intimacy-built-sex/#comments Mon, 28 Jul 2014 05:51:10 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=31992   A couple of months ago, I downloaded Tinder after hearing good things about it. And in one month’s time, I had four dates with three guys, pretty much the same amount as the last two or three years. I meet and talk to new guys every week. But now that I am back on […]

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Something New

 

A couple of months ago, I downloaded Tinder after hearing good things about it. And in one month’s time, I had four dates with three guys, pretty much the same amount as the last two or three years. I meet and talk to new guys every week. But now that I am back on the dating scene I’ve been thinking a lot about a crucial concept: intimacy. I think it is an under-discussed but important topic for black women in dating. I am not sure healthy intimacy is even a notion or concept on many BW’s radar. I know it was not something we discussed or I saw growing up in my family, before or after my parents divorced and they got into other relationships.

I want to start by highlighting a series of dates I had with one of the first guys I met, as an example of how not to build intimacy. My approach to dating is for the first date to be light and fun – basically a chemistry test and to check for any red flags or alarming behaviors. The next date is to verify the chemistry/attraction wasn’t a fluke and to start getting a handle on character – how does this person treat wait staff, animals, homeless people you encounter? I don’t believe in “interrogations” on dates but I will ask a few questions during the course of dinner or whatever about family, past relationships, goals, etc. I am trying to shape my idea of WHO this person is, aside from what they directly say.

For future interactions I am looking for tinges of emotional depth – “how would you have handled X differently,” “what did you learn from Y,” “what are your dreams,” “how will you do Z differently from your parents?” The Wikipedia definition of intimacy says “Genuine intimacy in human relationships requires dialogue, transparency, vulnerability and reciprocity.” Basically, in order for the relationship to progress (and determine whether we share the same core values), I am looking for these things.

Notice I haven’t mentioned anything about becoming physical. For me, an emotional connection is a pre-requisite for moving into a physical relationship and honestly, this takes time to develop. I look at it as being hungry and just eating some candy, or, taking the time to properly prepare a robust meal you’ve been dying to have AND you know it’s nutritious. This brings me back to the guy I referenced, a 35 year old European ex-pat who recently moved to my city after living in elsewhere in the States. Our series of dates went something like this:

He invites me for date #1 – awesome chemistry and physical attraction, we exchanged basic info about one another and shared funny stories about our respective lives. We parted ways after a polite hug.

A couple of days later, he invites me for date #2 – more basic info and funny stories. I started to get a sense though that he was kind of a quirky/socially awkward guy (he moved here to work for a tech start-up). Again, we parted ways after a polite hug.

After I returned from a two-week vacation, he immediately wanted to get together so we met later that week for date #3 – this time, things felt awkward and shallow. We chatted easily about the food, stuff to do here, current events, etc but as I tried to learn more about him he either a) gives a surface answer (“I don’t know,” “ I never thought about that,” “hmmm,”) or b) deflects to talking about other people. There was never any reciprocity where he asked me anything of substance. His attempts at conversation seemed like he was phoning it in (“so which of your tacos do you like the best? What’s your favorite color?”). The only real emotion he showed was when I asked about his last relationship and he got angry. He said they dated about six months but wanted totally different things and were complete opposites. He pretty much shut down after that. We awkwardly parted ways when I got to my car.

A few days later, surprisingly, he suggested date #4 – I accepted thinking maybe he was having a bad day or something the last time and that an afternoon movie might be nice so that we wouldn’t be pressed for time (our previous dates had all been after work). We could actually sit, talk and connect. But, as soon as the movie ended, he pounced me which caught me totally off-guard. I pulled away and said, “I’m not ready for this.” He then mumbled something sarcastically, stomped off to the bathroom, came back, pouted and was so uncommunicative I became really uncomfortable and left.

Later I shared that, while I had been interested in him, it was really important for me to have an emotional connection before becoming physically intimate and I didn’t think we had established that yet. He flatly said he considered them the same thing. I disagreed and with that impasse we stopped communicating, which I was more than okay with.

What I want to focus on is his statement that sex = emotional intimacy. In my opinion (and experience from my early 20s) this is not the case. If anything, early sex creates a false sense of intimacy. It is implied or assumed intimacy from having been physically close (through sex) but not true, earned closeness stemming from a “bond formed through knowledge and experience of the other” over time (again, from Wikipedia). So, while inaccurately believing you are already close from sex, someone’s true personality, character and values come out over time and may not be a good fit. Now comes the task of untangling, made more difficult for women who often become emotionally attached during a sexual relationship. Hence the “we probably shouldn’t be together but for some reason, I just really, really like/love/want to be with him” cognitive dissonance. This guy was harboring resentment about his last girlfriend and if he just rushed into sex with her before vetting for true compatibility, no wonder it didn’t work out.

I am pretty sure most women don’t envision “I probably shouldn’t be with him” when thinking about falling in love, finding a good partner, etc. So, how can BW establish relationships containing the intimacy most really desire?

1. Visualization. What does being close to someone look like to you? What kinds of behaviors help you develop trust in someone? What makes you feel supported? What things would you only reveal to someone you really trust?

Think on these things, and look for them as you date. Developing intimacy isn’t a race, it’s a tennis match. Look for reciprocity.

2. Practice. Intimacy isn’t limited to romantic relationships – are you happy with the number of friendships you have? Are you looking to expand your social circle? What kind of relationships do you have with your co-workers (or fellow students) – do you have any allies or advocates? Vulnerability is a key ingredient in establishing intimacy – have you shared any of your goals or dreams with people who may be in a position to help?

3. Stick to what you want. Don’t be coerced into less than what you want in terms of intimacy. When people are not meeting your needs in the way you believe you deserve, communicate that and be prepared to walk away (very easy when you are in a healthy place of self-love and you are not physically involved). Know that your emotional well-being is a #1 priority when it comes to acceptable, reciprocal treatment from others. One sided relationships are no fun.

While my experience with this particular guy wasn’t optimal, it was beneficial to verbalizing many concepts I had instinctively gravitated to over the past few years. I can honestly say that as I’ve held fast to “emotional connection before physical contact,” while I may not have found a partner yet, I haven’t had stupid stuff going on either, where I am all strung out over someone that refuses to reciprocally emotionally invest in or commit to me. Hopefully discussing this will help some of our readers and lurkers.

This site has good information about the stages of intimacy so please check it out (note: it is a religious site and has some faith based messages). What do you all think of intimacy? Are there other resources you recommend for singles? For our male readers, how do you establish emotional intimacy with women you meet?

 

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Femininity Series, Part One: “What Does It Mean to Be Feminine, and How Does That Affect Attraction?” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/femininity-series-part-one-mean-feminine-effect-attraction/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/femininity-series-part-one-mean-feminine-effect-attraction/#comments Tue, 18 Mar 2014 03:27:11 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=29240 The topic of femininity is so polarizing. On one end, you have women who feel like even the discussion of femininity is a threat to feminism, and women on the other end–the girly-girls–who often feel  shamed by feminists who think they are slaves to patriarchy. I want to get to the bottom of the discussion […]

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The topic of femininity is so polarizing. On one end, you have women who feel like even the discussion of femininity is a threat to feminism, and women on the other end–the girly-girls–who often feel  shamed by feminists who think they are slaves to patriarchy. I want to get to the bottom of the discussion in a productive way, and I’ll admit I don’t have all the answers.

Furthermore, this is not a conversation that you can have once and forget about it. That’s why I’ve decided to create a series, inviting distinguished guests and professionals to address these topics head on. I do this in no attempt to force any of you into anything, but for all of us (included me) to get a better understanding. As with anything on this site, take what works for you and leave the rest.

The first installment is from Patrick Wanin, Ph.D., a human behavior expert. It’s both written and audio, and I took the time to post this so you ladies could listen this evening or perhaps on your way to work. It’s good stuff. But before I do, take a look at long-time BB&W supporter, relationships expert, Matthew Hussey had to say when I asked him about this…

Matthew on Femininity...-2

And now to Dr. Wanin…

“Why is it so difficult for women to have a discussion about femininity without feeling weak?

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By and large, most men prefer feminine women, which can often be a challenge because it often involves the idea of submission. Many black women have not had the luxury being “girly,” like white women have, but I find that they often desire that but have no idea how to do it. Any advice for them?”

Human Behavior Expert, Dr. Patrick Wanis also explains in clear and simple terms the differences between masculine and feminine energy as well as the differences between surrender and submission. Some of the things Dr. Wanis reveals in this audio recording:

· Why women have inner conflicts with their femininity
· The fear of traditional gender roles
· The real reason women should express their femininity (and it’s not to catch a man)
· The single secret for a woman to be able to express her femininity without giving away her power or being controlled by the man
· Women do at times need to express masculinity and explains how to know what that right time is
· Why women have such power over men
· Men need the emotional support and appreciation of their partner

You can also read these articles by Patrick Wanis:

If Chivalry is dead, who killed it?

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/if-chivalry-is-dead-who-killed-it/

What women look for in a man

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/what-women-look-for-in-a-man/

The mature, masculine male

http://patrickwanis.com/blog/mature-masculine-male/

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Tired of Feeling Like the Dude? BB&W Fan and Friend, ‘Nicole Abundance’ Gives Lessons in Femininity http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tired-feeling-like-dude-bbw-fan-friend-nicole-abundance-teaching-lessons-femininity/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tired-feeling-like-dude-bbw-fan-friend-nicole-abundance-teaching-lessons-femininity/#comments Thu, 13 Mar 2014 06:03:43 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=29167 Let’s face it: gender neutrality is confusing. So let’s just celebrate being girls, shall we? Long-time BB&W fan, ‘Nicole Abundance’ has creating a femininity boot camp of sorts, and wants to share the knowledge… What is the definition of being feminine? Is it the way you dress or how great your manicure looks? Is being feminine […]

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portrait interracial couple

Let’s face it: gender neutrality is confusing. So let’s just celebrate being girls, shall we? Long-time BB&W fan, ‘Nicole Abundance’ has creating a femininity boot camp of sorts, and wants to share the knowledge…

What is the definition of being feminine? Is it the way you dress or how great your manicure looks? Is being feminine defined by how done up your hair is or how many times you remember to cross your legs like a lady while in public? What if I told you that your feminine essence is not fully defined by what you do or how you look on the outside, but how you cultivate your femininity from within? Here’s an even better question. What if I told you that by being more feminine, you can attract MORE men? I’m talking more of the men you DESIRE.

You may be doing all of the external things that may attract men but where the focus really needs to be is from within. Yes, men may respond to your flirtatious manner and may not be able to take their eyes off of you, but how are you inspiring them to want more than just the physical after a few weeks or even months go by? You may not have a problem with attracting men in quantity, but do you know how to actually maintain what you have attracted?

So what does being more feminine truly mean, then? Two main components to the feminine nature are rest and surrender.As women, we are naturally designed and more drawn to a more restful and playful way of living. We love to frolic and surrender to the moment. We are the keepers of the light and nurturers of the seed. Surrender means that you no longer have to chase, pursue, or fight for a man to make things happen.

However, when it comes to relating to men, the complete opposite may be true. With the way you currently attract men now, you probably don’t feel like you have a revolving door of options waiting at your doorstep. You may also find yourself operating in the pseudo-masculine role a lot when you interact with potential men of interest. The pseudo-masculine may manifest in the way you feel like you have to chase, pursue, lead the relationship, do all the work, worry about a man stepping up or showing up for you, feel like you are always rowing the boat.  Actively participating in this role is a surefire way to keep your attraction capacity at an all-time low. This is because the masculine doesn’t like to struggle all the time with a pseudo-masculine energy. Remember, you are the feminine and are designed to complement the masculine. Resisting the men in this way doesn’t really allow for men to show up for you.

A woman who is fully integrated in her feminine has applied a regime of practices and principles that help to keep her balanced and grounded on a regular basis. A woman who is more feminine is also aware of the masculine energy that resides in her and seeks to unblock and heal that energy for good. She has learned to fill herself up from the inside and invest in her emotional resources rather than giving them away at a moment’s notice. She doesn’t resist, fight, or try to compete with masculine energy. She embraces it and trusts in its protection and provision.

The key to attracting men by being more feminine requires you to give up the control you may THINK you have over your expectations of men. Being more feminine requires you to let go and release all of your worries and concerns into the universal drop-box, and trust that your desires will show up for you in the way you’ve always wanted when it comes to men. It requires you to get a little uncomfortable so that you can completely eliminate your current romantic model way of attracting and interacting with men. It requires you to open to the possibility of serving the masculine in a whole new way, a way that will set you free. Are you ready to open wider to attract greater?

Attracting men and inspiring them is easy when you learn how to master your feminine energy. Learn the Secrets Here: http://www.nicoleabundance.com/bigwildlove/

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