Beyond Black & White » Thriving http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:33:49 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.9.2 Live Tweeting from Ferguson; But Is @Jack Dorsey a Potential Ally for Black Women? http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/is-jack-dorsey-ally-for-black-women/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/is-jack-dorsey-ally-for-black-women/#comments Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:33:49 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32834 By Dani What does Jack Dorsey’s recent presence in Ferguson, Missouri mean? Inquiring minds on the left and right went abuzz as Jack Dorsey, the prolific founder of Twitter and Square, was live tweeting from Ferguson, Missouri for nearly two weeks. Apparently he was raised in the City of St. Louis, not far at all […]

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By Dani

DorseyJackTEDetroit

What does Jack Dorsey’s recent presence in Ferguson, Missouri mean? Inquiring minds on the left and right went abuzz as Jack Dorsey, the prolific founder of Twitter and Square, was live tweeting from Ferguson, Missouri for nearly two weeks. Apparently he was raised in the City of St. Louis, not far at all from Ferguson:

Jack STL

Conservatives grumble that he’s just the latest rich Silicon Valley liberal (with a platform) to jump on board a do-gooder cause , whereas liberals see his presence as validation of the impact social media can bring for participants and followers of social movements.

Yet, I see something different entirely. I see an innovator (granted, possibly with political aspirations), willing to jump onto the front line to document the chaos transpiring a few miles from his childhood home. Whereas perennial black vote beggar Hillary Clinton took over two weeks to even mention Ferguson. When I think about Square transforming the lives of millions of small business owners (about 900,000 small business are owned by black women) and all of the awareness “Black Twitter” brought to the Renisha McBride and Teleka Patrick cases, I wonder what other inventions Jack Dorsey might dream up that could better the lives of black women.

I see a risk taker and wonder, “is he a potential ally?” In looking at an ancient list of the top concerns facing black women, I wonder where his innovative mind could be useful. Are there areas he might make a worthy partner?

While of course black women should not be looking to saviors to solve our concerns, sometimes it is helpful to get an outside perspective. Sometimes I worry that our black organizations focus too much on recognizing success or past ghosts and aren’t doing enough brainstorming to generate new solutions to solve the now generations-old problems plaguing our communities. Are disruptors, futurists or proven innovators ever brought in to help generate fresh ideas that do not rely on the government? There are so many exercises we regularly undertake in Corporate America to create our next product, service or ad campaign that I would love to apply to black women.

So let’s sound off in the comments. What are the top three ills you believe black girls and/or women face today? What new ideas should be explored to resolve them? And, how can technology help?

Jack, if you’re reading, the door is open.

 

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Stay Away from Sociopathic Men Who Wish to Corrupt and Shackle You Via Single Motherhood! http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/stay-away-sociopathic-men-wish-corrupt-shackle-via-single-motherhood/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/stay-away-sociopathic-men-wish-corrupt-shackle-via-single-motherhood/#comments Thu, 21 Aug 2014 17:02:50 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32595 Caution: I advise women who are never married single mothers to refrain from reading this post. This is not about you and your situation. Many of you might be offended about what I’m going to say. Again, this post is for SINGLE, CHILDLESS WOMEN OF REPRODUCTIVE AGE. I produced a video about a year ago […]

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Caution: I advise women who are never married single mothers to refrain from reading this post. This is not about you and your situation. Many of you might be offended about what I’m going to say. Again, this post is for SINGLE, CHILDLESS WOMEN OF REPRODUCTIVE AGE.

No through traffic

I produced a video about a year ago addressing the concerns of a young, single mother who asked me if her having a child and never being married makes her “used goods.”

This video must be linked to some he-man-woman-hating websites, because it’s currently being overrun with men who clearly read those sites, because they all use the same type of self-important language and lingo.

“Your child is deserving of a quality mom; a mom who picked right the first time, who’s still in a relationship with the child’s quality dad. So, is a single mom damaged goods? Barring extenuating circumstances, of which there rarely is, yes, single moms are damaged goods, they have already damaged the lives of at least three people.”
“YES 100% many reasons why, one of them is that she didn’t choose the right man (says something bad about her selection ability and what she based it on – probably gina tingles like most) or that she walks when the going gets tough.  No self-respecting man would ever go that route.”

However, the comments from these men are not without merit. Having a child from a man in which you have never been married is a liability in the dating world, and there’s just no amount of hearts, flowers and glitter I can put on top of that pile of shit to make it smell better. Other sites catering to black women simply will withhold the truth, celebrate and perpetuate the dysfunction or be completely silent, but that won’t happen here. This is one of the only mainstream blogs of note that will actually give it to you straight–if you’re young, fit, ambitious, educated and childless you are a commodity. You are considered “high value” in the dating world, and you need to acknowledge and protect your position because believe me when I tell you that there will be men who might come along to destroy every beautiful thing you have going for you.

Mainstream black society remains defiantly silent on this issue, so much so that black women, regardless of class and education are falling victim to the “struggling baby mama” lifestyle. I know of at least one very successful professional for a black website who had a child with a man who didn’t marry her–the mother of his child– but went on to marry another childless black women who more suited his career goals and social standing.

That man left this high-value woman with the baggage of his seed, and has unapologetically moved on to live his wonderful life while she will be left to do all the heavy lifting. What is even worse, black social media is cheering on this woman’s “beautiful struggle.” In a community where quality men are a scarcity, they can demand a woman be childless while simultaneously contributing to the out-of-wedlock rate. Male privilege at it’s worst.

Understand this. There is nothing noble or honorable about taking up the torch of single parenthood. It is hard and often thankless work. It’s scary. You’ll often cry yourself to sleep. You’ll be stressed and lonely. Trust me, I know because I’ve been there. The fact is, people will make assumptions about your character, forethought, and long-term-thinking abilities, because folks will assume you’ve had 100% control over your situation. The judging probably won’t happen overtly; people will make their decisions by way of steering clear.

That’s why I’m so dedicated to preaching, teaching a nagging young black women to know their worth and value their wombs. In a patriarchy, a woman’s womb is of tangible value. There may be men who see your prime position and will seek to knock you down from that pedestal. They seek to corrupt the beautiful life you are creating for yourself and thwart the advances of more worthy, quality men. Make no mistake that these sociopaths know exactly what they are doing.

I also should note that the desire to knock your pegs down might also come from your peers who fell victim to the single-mother trap. They’ll want you miserable and struggling right along with them; they’ll love the company.

Childless women, please, please PLEASE guard your fertility. Investigate birth control options. Refuse to let DBR’s corrupt your beautiful life.

I love you. I want you to have every option in the world that you want for your life. Listen to me.

 

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You Tube Star, Chescaleigh Talks Making a Plan and the Timeline Project http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tube-star-chescaleigh-talks-making-plan-timeline-project/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tube-star-chescaleigh-talks-making-plan-timeline-project/#comments Fri, 08 Aug 2014 05:29:10 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32332 We talk a lot around here about making plans and making positive changes to have better lives. Once you make a plan, you need a roadmap. That’s why I was really intrigued when I saw Chescaleigh at The Timeline Project booth at a conference I recently attended. When I found out it was sponsored by […]

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We talk a lot around here about making plans and making positive changes to have better lives. Once you make a plan, you need a roadmap. That’s why I was really intrigued when I saw Chescaleigh at The Timeline Project booth at a conference I recently attended. When I found out it was sponsored by Bayer, I was a little skeptical that they were trying to sell something.

Turns out that it looks like the company is just trying to do some good, and I’m cool with that. Well actually, I take that back. Bayer Healthcare is a purveyor of women’s birth control options, so creating a program that allows women of reproductive age to map their future while keeping control over when and how they conceive is all wonderful as far as I’m concerned. I’m all No Wedding, No Womb anyway.  I think doing this is so important, I want everyone here who is single and of reproductive age to create your timeline. Do it now!!

Chesca timeline project from Christelyn Karazin on Vimeo.

The Timeline Project allows you to custom create you personal timeline based on your personal and professional goals. It’s pretty amaze balls.

Screen Shot 2014-08-07 at 10.02.25 PM

Once you upload your goals, it’s packaged in a really cool way, and even suggests helpful articles that can help you achieve your goals. And it really is a timeline…you match goals by your age and future plans. You can even browse goals from other participants.

Uhm…why are you still here? Go start a timeline!

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Ready to Flee to Freedom? Tips to Get You on Your Way… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ready-flee-freedom-tips-get-way/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ready-flee-freedom-tips-get-way/#comments Thu, 07 Aug 2014 03:50:59 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32294 How many people are unhappy with their lives but do virtually nothing to fix them? Unfortunately, far too many. There are deeply ingrained bad habits, poor self-image, self-sabotage, lack of discipline and a host of other issues to grapple with. The pain of change may seem too great at times. But, at some point, you […]

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Leg and shoe on a suitcaseHow many people are unhappy with their lives but do virtually nothing to fix them? Unfortunately, far too many. There are deeply ingrained bad habits, poor self-image, self-sabotage, lack of discipline and a host of other issues to grapple with. The pain of change may seem too great at times.

But, at some point, you may have realized that you are ready to take real action; you really want to make changes, not just think about them. You are done wishing your life was different, and are ready to actually make that difference a reality. If you are at this point, congratulations. You are well on your way to getting the desired results.

Here are just a few tips to get you started:

Clarity is Key

If you are really serious about making positive changes, you need to get ultra-clear on what it is you want to change. What is causing you unhappiness now, and what do you think would change that? What type of person do you want to be? How do you want others to see you? When thinking of your ideal life, what does it look like? What are you doing? How do you feel? This is not the time to hold back based on what your life is like now, or how it has been. Don’t censor yourself. The clearer your vision, the more successful you will be in making your desired changes. You will have clearly defined targets and, with clear targets, it is easier to devise a plan of action.

Face Problems Head On 

To really change for the better, and achieve better emotional and mental health, it is important you get out of denial about any problems that you may be having, or finally address issues that you have been deliberately ignoring—they are not going to go away, as much as you are secretly hopizng they will.

If you are drowning in debt, for example, and can’t see a way out, start devising a plan to deal with it. Start reading up on credit repair company reviews to find a reputable company who may be able to help you. Reach out to lenders and tell them what is happening—they may give you a bit of leeway, and allow you to make smaller payments.

If you are involved in relationships with people who are emotionally toxic, you have to do something about it, whether it is talking with them about how they are affecting you, or limiting your time with these people. If your job is slowly killing you, you don’t have to quit tomorrow, but really start thinking about your next steps.

It can be scary actually taking action after sweeping things under the rug for so long, but it is a necessary if you are serious about really turning things around. While the fallout may be a bit unpleasant, things will begin to improve immediately on the whole.

Learn to Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable 

One of the reasons it is so hard to change for the better is that the things required to do this can be quite uncomfortable, sometimes both physically and mentally. You are stepping out into new territory that may be way outside your comfort zone. You may worry about how people close to you will react to your efforts to better yourself—unfortunately, not everyone will be happy about each move you make.

Some may take your efforts to change as some sort of rejection of their own way of being, or it will serve as an unwelcome reminder that they are mucking things up big time in certain areas of their own lives, and they won’t like this. Then there is the whole jealousy thing.

There will be times when you are doubtful you will be able to do what you want to do, or times when it feels truly impossible.  If you can learn to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable, you will be able to stay the course, and get through these difficult times. The reaction to these feelings will not be as intense.

Sometimes simply accepting the challenge gets you in a better state of mind.

 

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New Documentary Decrying 72% Out-of-Wedlock Rate…Love the Content But… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-documentary-decrying-72-wedlock-rate-love-content/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-documentary-decrying-72-wedlock-rate-love-content/#comments Mon, 04 Aug 2014 11:34:41 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32263 Moguldum Studios just released a documentary lending a hard look at the astronomical 72% out-of-wedlock rate in the black community. And I’m LOVING that media has become more vocal on the crisis, because it is a crisis. Because this is of particular importance to me and my work, I’ll be buying this video. However, I’ll […]

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Moguldum Studios just released a documentary lending a hard look at the astronomical 72% out-of-wedlock rate in the black community. And I’m LOVING that media has become more vocal on the crisis, because it is a crisis.

Because this is of particular importance to me and my work, I’ll be buying this video. However, I’ll be honest. I hate the title. WTF…”Baby Mama Crisis?” The title alone singles out…who? If you guess black women, then you win the internet.

I’m really getting sick of black women being treated like they are getting pregnant like amebas, with no male sperm necessary. For God’s sake, nothing will ever change if you put ALL the responsibility on black women to police the reckless behaviors of the other 50% of the problem.

There are two sides to this, and a title like that is just ridiculously counterproductive. But hey; people took issue when I created No Wedding No Womb. Hate the names all you want, still doesn’t discount the message. It would be foolish to reject this movie because I don’t like the title. Doing so would pretty much make me a hypocrite.

That’s not to say black women are off the hook. Not even close. If you haven’t yet had a chance to visit BW Think Tank on Facebook, you’re missing out. The publisher makes it plain.

The 40 Reasons Black Women have the ‘A Bum and a Baby’© Experience”
by Breukelen Bleu

___________________________

Q&A from inside The Black Woman Think Tank;

“Why do black women want to have children on their own and with the type of men SOME of them have chosen? Every time I asked this question (on other forums) I get shot down, told I don’t understand, I’m a black man hater, I’m a black woman hater and the last but not least the infamous “Crickets”.

…………….

Breukelen Bleu’s answer:

1. We think WE are enough, so if the “baby daddy’ don’t act right, it’ll be ok cuz we “love’ our babies and we the ‘backbone’ of the community anyway. Its the “Thanks For My Child” syndrome.

2. We want the man. Period. We want the man, and so we have a child hoping that this will make him want us.

3. If the man DOESN’T want us, we STILL have a “piece’ of him. And we still have a form of POWER over him. We want to control HIS options, so we think that if he doesn’t want us, at least he will still be forced to DEAL with us, cuz we have his child.

4. Having children makes us feel important. Its that “meaning making’ thing thats talked about in the book, “Promises I Cant Keep’. We don’t believe we can achieve anything else, so having a child – or 3, makes us feel like our lives have meaning. It provides a sense of ORDER, in what might otherwise be a very unstable and chaotic existence. It forces us go grow up and compels us to think long term – something we cant see to do without the responsibility of a child. And if dude doesn’t turn out to be what we hope, then #1 always suffices.

5. Everyone else is doing it. Our mothers, sisters, aunties and friends, all have children by dudes, regardless of whether he is fit, so we do too. The women who are closest to us affect us most, and so peer pressure and influence creates normalcy out of it.

6. Low expectations. We are so used to black men being BUMS, and we believe that we don’t deserve any better, so we don’t look for better. We also have low expectations for ourselves, so we don’t aspire to more. See #4.

7. We spend our childhood raising our siblings, so we don’t think anything of having our own children. It feels natural and normal for us to be Mothers, because we were called upon to play that role, very early in life.

8. We feel unattractive and unworthy. Many of us are overweight, dark skinned and nappy haired. We don’t think we are WORTHY of a ‘good man’, so we will settle for the love of a Bum and a Baby©, instead.

9. We believe in ‘black love’ and ‘black family’. We derive a sense of purpose from the idea that WE are helping do something ‘important’ for Black People. This belief is HIGHLY prevalent amongst the RGB, Hotep crew. And we think that requiring the man be the ‘right’ type (educated, careered, professional/vocational, financially stable, emotionally sound, family oriented) is TREACHEROUS to black men, who have been ‘systematically oppressed and marginalized’. To require more, is to be in collusion with White Supremacy.

10. We think we are Yoni Goddesses. Somebody done told us that our wombs produce magical fruit, and we think we are standing in our “Womanly Power’ by having children – even if the fathers are BUMS. We think we helping usher Matriarchy back in.

11. We don’t use birth control. We don’t want that much responsibility. Use of birth control infers a desire to delay motherhood, until you have accomplished some other things. When you don’t have ‘other things’ to accomplish, you don’t use protection. See #4…again.

12. We want Welfare, Wic and social services.

13. We are trying to redeem the man. We KNOW hes a fool, but we think we can somehow ‘birth’ a BETTER version of him into the world. And we want to prove that OUR wombs, are just as powerful as the wombs of other races of women. We think WE are going to birth the SAVIOR of the black race. (Ie: a commenter who came to the Fan Page several weeks ago, talking bout she raising the next Malcolm X, while sleeping on a dirty mattress on the floor).

14. We want love. We want the families we never had, and we think having children, no matter the man, will offer us the opportunity to create what was not given to us.

15. We use children as an ‘anchor’ in our lives. We think they give us “purpose”, and we use them as ‘motivation’ to aspire for more. We, ourselves are not enough reason to reach for good shit. Children make all the struggling to progress, seem worth it. THis is the mess *I* told myself, when *I* decided to have a child.

16. We hate ourselves. And we want the opportunity to birth a ‘prettier’ version of us. So we find the boy/man who has the type so genes we think will create ‘beauty’ and we have a child by him, no matter if he wants us or not. We want light skinned, good haired children. And we want to be able to prove we were at least ‘worthy’ enough to get a man like that to have sex with us.

17. We hope the man will change. We think that the same motivations WE are using (See #4 & #15) will apply to the dude, too, and that will make HIM grow up and want to be ‘a family’ with us.

18. We hot between the thighs. And we want the men that express the most virility, power and sexuality. It doesnt matter if hes a good person, partner or father material. We simply want to fuck him. And since #11 is in play, a child is the natural result.

19. We competing with some other chic. Dude has a main chic, wife or wifey, and we want what she has. So we have a child by him hoping to FORCE him to leave her, or at the very least, force him to split his time and resources with us.

20. We want what the white woman has. We want men who make us feel protected and we want men who express the “alpha’ traits needed for leadership and ambition. The white man has built an entire WORLD for his woman, and we want men who seem to possess the same traits that it took to elevate HER. The “Thug Loving’ BW do is much more then only wanting a thug. Its about wanting that alpha male, who seems to display the characteristics needed to run the world – or the community. EVEN if said man only knows how to express these traits in a dysfunctional and negative fashion.

21. We want to have children, and we want to do so within wedlock. So even if we KNOW dude ain’t quite right, we will marry him and have children, just so we can SIMULATE what we see other races of women do. Many times we KNOW the marriage isn’t going to work, but we do it anyway, because we want ‘legitimate’ children.

22. We have an ‘IDEAL BLACK MAN’ in our head, and we come across some dude who seems to represent that, even if has many issues that gives us pause. If he is college educated, belongs to the right fraternity, comes from a semi-’decent’ family, and looks good on paper, we will try to scoop him, EVEN THO he may not be the best partner/father material.

23. We have a natural desire to procreate. We are human, after all.

24. We dont want to mate/marry out. We don’t want the stigma of choosing a non-black male, and we don’t want to face the possible rejection of a non-black males family and friends. We want to PROVE that it is still possible to get what we want, within the BC. So we may pass on a quality non-bm and end up becoming a ‘baby mama’ to some black dudes child instead.

25. We believe that we are morally obligated to proceed with every pregnancy that occurs – especially that first one, or the second one if the first was terminated. We dont want to be the chic who has multiple abortions so if we use our ‘get out of Motherhood free card” during one pregnancy, we don’t feel right about doing it again. And our religious/cultural beliefs, make us think that we have no RIGHT to determine whether a child is born or not. And since #11 is usually in effect, pregnancy is a forgone conclusion.

26. We truly believe the man is going to marry us.

27. The dude ASK us to ‘have a baby’ with him. We love him and feel honored to be ‘chosen’ by a man, believing that if he as REQUESTING that we be the Mother of his children, then he MUST be willing to do all that will be required to be a father AND PARTNER to us.

28. We are raped or sexually violated and are too afraid to tell someone. We get pregnant and have the child, feeling obligated to so (see #25), while also being afraid to expose ourselves to the humiliation of admitting to having been abused.

29. Our judgment is incapacitated by drugs, alcohol or mental illness.

30. We are DREAM STEALERS. We don’t want the dude to have aspirations outside of that which will keep him close to us. So we rush to have a child by him, hoping to limit his options and reduce his ability to make life choices that might take in a direction away from us – or allow him to meet a “better’ woman whom he will HAPPILY have children with.

31. We are ‘testing’ the dudes love. We don’t believe any man can/will love us, so we have a child to see if he will stick around and honor us by fathering the child we ‘give’ to him.

32. We have multiple children, hoping this NEXT dude will be ‘the one’, and will FINALLY allow us to live out #’s 2, 9, 13, 14, 17, 20, 21, 22. We have HOPE that 2′s – 3′s, 4s’ a charm.

33. We’re on autopilot. We just let life ‘happen’ to us, with absolutely NO planning and NO for thought. Children are the natural results of sex, and since #11 is in effect, along with #4, we let “Life’ Happen”, and the children come. This is different the planning of children to let life have some meaning. This is simply letting WHATEVER happens, happen. Children are only one of the possibilities.

34. We believe its ‘natural’ to have children NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. We adhere to the notion that nature designed us to have babies, and so having babies is what we should do. We think that ‘God will provide’ or ‘it’ll all work out in the end’.

35. We have a Life Script. We have an “idea’ of what our lives should look like, and that includes children, at a certain time, in a certain number. This the ‘I want to have my first child by 25″, the “I want to have all my kids before the age of 30 so I get it over with”, the “I want 2 boys and a girl” or the “I have 3 boys and I wanna try for the girl cuz I want ot know whats it like to raise a daughter”. We proceed with trying to fulfill our Life Script, no matter if our lives can actually accommodate that desire or not. We dont want to concede that perhaps life just simply isn’t going to turn out the way WE had desired. So we proceed with our blueprint, whether we are actually ready for it, or whether the situation/man is the right one.

36. We want to validate our Victimhood, and are drawn to The Seduction of Inadequacy. We want to show the world, that black men ARE the no-good-doers we believe they are, and that WE are the SBW (Strong Black Women) that we are known for. Its the Archetype that allows to both admonish the Black Males image, while elevating our Image, At. The. Same. Damned. Time. This is a HIDDEN motivation, that most of us are not consciously aware of.

37. We will SETTLE for a childs love, when what we REALLY want is a Mans/ Mothers/Fathers love. The child becomes The Consolation Prize for us failing to have the fortunate luck of receiving our edification and validation from some other source.

38. Having a child gives a legitimate excuse to fail in other areas of Life. We can always say we did not complete/finish/accomplish/attain/accumulate/succeed in some area of Life, because “I got pregnant”. Its a very convenient form of Scapegoating. We are either afraid of success or a afraid of failure. So we ‘get’ pregnant, to have a reason to not try. This happens alot with the girls who leave off for college, and come home sophomore year, pregnant. Black Women are GOOD for that one.

39. We Dumb. Plain and simple. We dont think. We dont plan. We don’t strategize. We have low intellectual capacity from generations of undereducation and breeding with tainted DNA, and we are simply too STUPID to know better. We are intellectually inferior and our cognitive abilities do not lend to logic and reasoning that allow us to make good calls. After generation after generation of struggle, we STILL insist upon believing that WE are enough to raise a community of strong people. We lie to ourselves and say its gone be alright. We are not smart enough to accept what we see taking place for the garbage it is, and so we comfort ourselves with cliches and beliefs, that sooth us in our stupidity.

We’re Idiots. Plain and simple.

I know I was one.

40. Nothing in black women’s upbringing promotes self accountability. We are not rewarded for being responsible. We are rewarded for playing The Victim. Even the church and the democratic party plantation rewards us for poor choices be it forgiveness or programs that enable poor choices.

………………….

And those were just the ones that came off the top of my head.

- Breukelen Bleu © 2014.

In closing…

NWNW t-shirts Haley and Kayla

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New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-anti-swirling-meme-can-oppose-racism-attracted-white-men/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-anti-swirling-meme-can-oppose-racism-attracted-white-men/#comments Thu, 31 Jul 2014 04:41:18 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32095 I’ve been seeing the following bit of stupid making its way around the web at an increased clip. The people who are desperate to guilt-trip black women (and make no mistake, this is almost always brought out to shame black women EXCLUSIVELY…) out of exercising their dating and marriage options will often pull this argument […]

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badfriendsWP

I’ve been seeing the following bit of stupid making its way around the web at an increased clip. The people who are desperate to guilt-trip black women (and make no mistake, this is almost always brought out to shame black women EXCLUSIVELY…) out of exercising their dating and marriage options will often pull this argument out and beat black women over the head with it:

“Why is it that black women are so thirsty for white men one minute and then turn around and complain about racism the next? Which is it? You want a white man or you want to fight racism?”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I can walk and chew bubblegum at the same time. This, boys and girls, is what I call the all-or-nothing okey doke.

 

Skin Color ALONE Does Not A Viable Mate or Enemy Make…

 

Black women, I will NEVER in my life be attracted to a man who hates me.

Now let’s not get it twisted: You don’t have to look outside the black race for men who hate us for being black women. Intra-racial misogyny and colorism directed at black women are both a REALITY.

No matter HOW MANY black women put on the capes and cowls in an attempt to make racism the be all and end all of our social concerns as a gender and group, this fact WILL NOT change.

So there is simply no logic in telling a black woman that she cannot both be opposed members of a group who treat her terribly and attracted to other members of the same group at the very same time. Especially if we’re talking persons who love and respect her for who she is.

If this “all or nothing” argument held any water, then guess what? ALL BLACK PEOPLE WOULD HAVE CEASED TO EXIST BY NOW!

 

Why The “All Or Nothing” Okey Doke?

 

The “all or nothing” okey doke exists so long as some black people think that the only unifying factor of blackness is victimhood.

Here is the reality of America in the 21st century:

  • Not all Caucasian people in the United States are the descendants of slave owners. In fact, an increasing number of people are the descendants of men and women who immigrated to the United States well after slavery was over.
  • Not all people of European descent hate you because you’re black or even hate you at all. Many care as much about you as any sane person would about a total stranger…not at all.
  • Not all black Americans in the United States today are the descendants of slaves or have family that lived under Jim Crow laws. As such, they aren’t necessarily going to understand or empathize with you. This is something that is often presumed for no reason except looking at the color of someone’s skin.
  • Not all black Americans, regardless of whether or not they are the descendants of slaves themselves, are going to relate to you, support you, or have your best interest in mind.

 

Not all white people are “the devil” and not all black people are your kin. This is why it’s possible to love someone for who they are and at the same time, voice opinions about the wrong that someone else is doing.

 

“Aren’t You Afraid That White Guy Will

Reveal Himself To Be Racist?”

 

It’s a shame how many black women walk around with this kind of fear while not even batting an eyelash and black people calling her “tar baby” or rappers laughing about a stupid “pool test”.

Like I said, you don’t have to look very far as a black woman for soul-crushing hate and evil if that’s REALLY want you want to look for.

However if you decide you want to be with a white guy or any guy who isn’t black, then you should be looking for him to reveal negative characteristics about himself. That’s a part of vetting.

 

Sensible Vetting Vs. Self-Fulfilling Prophesies

 

There are black women who are simply too distrusting of white men and women to ever benefit from interracial dating and relationships. To those women, I say this: DON’T BOTHER.

Either keep hoping for a black man to show up or look to another non-black group. Just remember: Even though you may both experience racial, ethnical, or religious discrimination doesn’t mean these non-white men are going to check for you.

As others have revealed, there are colorist and racist issues in various non-black ethnic groups as well. Let’s just say it would be smart to build a relationship with a man on something OTHER than the pain of prejudice.

As for the decision to date Caucasian men, some African American women just should steer clear of this arena because these women aren’t interested in vetting men to find a guy who fits their needs.

 

Instead, these black women are looking to prove to themselves that “all white men just want a black woman for sex and are really racist creeps”.

I feel about these women who abandon interracial dating  the exact same way I feel about white men who abandon interracial dating based off a preexisting negative set of beliefs…

The world does not stop spinning because someone decides they have no interest in knowing or dating me, so I wouldn’t expect any other sensible black woman to lose sleep over it either.

If a man is found to be not for you, then let that be the end of it. Move on.

 

Sexual Fetishes And Fantasies vs. A Stable Relationship

 

I was actually going to write an article on this, but thanks to Dani’s brilliant article, I don’t have to.

But I will say this:

I am sick and tired of black people acting like the only way that a black woman can relate to another human being is on her back!

Black women, your sexuality is only A PART of who you are! If any man or woman tries to make that all of who you are or convince you that it’s your only source of value, excommunicate them from that church that is YOU!

It is okay to be sexual and sexually active. Be smart and use protection.

That’s all I ask. Oh, and use safe words where applicable.

 

It is okay to have sexual fantasies and fetishes and act them out with a willing and consenting partner. You don’t need to explain them to anyone. You don’t need to justify them to anyone. So long as both people are being given what they want and need, then I have no issue.

I worry about any black woman who allows herself to be degraded by ANY MAN for reasons that tie into low self-esteem and self-worth. This is often ignored when the degradation is intra-racial and even praised.

 

Meanwhile the FEAR of degradation and fetishization is often used as a psychological weapon against black women when they decide to be with men who are white, even if the man demonstrates that he loves and respects her.

These trolls try and spin a “it’s just a matter of time” narrative for women while implying that being a black woman means no man could ever REALLY love or value them.

Many of these concern trolls hold up the porn industry as an example of how black women should expect to be treated by non-black, and especially white men. This is an idiotic thing to say because PORN SEX IS NOT REAL SEX AND PORNOGRAPHY IS NOT AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS!!!

If a man gets off on putting you down emotionally, physically, and sexually, the last thing you should be thinking about is his skin color. You should instead be seeking the nearest exit!

 

How Should You Respond To The “All-Or-Nothing” Okey Doke?

 

First, ask yourself if the troll in question is worth responding to at all. If not then just ignore him/her. Life is too short to be explaining yourself and creating disclaimers for random individuals who don’t know how to mind their own business.

If you feel a response is required, feel free to use one of these:

1.) “I love ______ for who he is and _______ loves me for who I am. Believe it or not, it’s possible to do that while also acknowledging the reality of white racism and white privilege.”

2.) “If I loved ________ because he was white and he only wanted me because I was black, then I would be a hypocrite. But since that’s not our reality, I am free to complain about white racism and push for change. Besides, at the end of the day…I’m still a black woman, and still vulnerable to white racism.”

3.) “If I’m expected to be scared of loving any white men but expect to be loved by all black men then please explain the vile, colorist things some black men love saying about me as a black woman. If I’m expected to believe not all black men hate me, shouldn’t I expand that to all men?”

4.) “I’m sorry, but I don’t walk around thinking about who doesn’t want me or who hates me. I date men based on common interests and mutual attraction. If I happen to come across a racist white guy, then it’s nothing for me to move on to the next guy.”

 

Have you had someone try the “all-or-nothing okey doke” on you? What was your response?

 

If black men are free to date white women regardless of past and present racial issues…why are people so bold as to tell black women she needs to “stay away” from white men?*

 

 

 

*Yeah, yeah. I know the answer to that question and so do a lot of you. But this is all brand new to some people, so let’s offer honest details and responses for those who may be genuinely (or even not so genuinely) puzzled.

 

The post New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?” appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

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