Laneesha started dating Gary when she graduated high school. He was charming and caring, and filled the void she felt from missing a male figure because her father left her mother when she was only one year old. He was ten years her senior and at the beginning, she loved how secure and safe Gary made her feel and came to truly depend on him after he insisted she move in. She didn’t feel comfortable insisting on him wearing a condom, and didn’t question his assertion that only prostitutes insist on men wearing them. She also stayed quiet when he would disappear for days at a time, and never asked, because she did once–only once–because Gary grabbed her and pushed her into a wall, growling that she must never question him, because he is the man, and she is “just a silly girl.” Six months later Laneesha discovered she was pregnant, and caught a nasty case of chlamydia. When she told Gary about the pregnancy and the STI, he became outraged and accused her of cheating and said the baby wasn’t his. He left her, diseased and pregnant, to meet and groom another victim. While she was devastated, she opted to raise her child alone, without protection, resources or support. She had never had a father, so for her it was perfectly normal to raise a child alone. As the years progressed, Laneesha had a series of “Garys” that left her more devastated than the last.

While Laneesha’s story is fictional, her situation mirrors millions of women who have been predisposed to accepting dysfunction as normal, and rationalize horrific behaviors as “just how it is.” “The longer you embrace a certain belief system, the more normalized it becomes within your worldview,” says Sandra L. Brown, pychotherapist and author of “How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved.”

This explains in part how and why the out-of-wedlock rates in the black community have become the “new normal” despite volumes and volumes of research on how detrimental it is to children. Women and girls who grow up in fatherless homes are especially vulnerable to dysfunctional behaviors by males, because many of them have never seen examples of healthy relationships. Of course it’s not their fault–and if this is you, know that no one is trying to blame you. But you will have to take special care in vetting the men you date. Your tolerance for bad behaviors from men might be high, and as a result your red-flag-o-meter might be on the fritz. You might not know how to draw healthy boundries, and “emotional predators are bloodhounds for weak-boundaried women, says Brown.” These guys count on you not putting your foot down and demanding he wear a condom, and that you’ll forgive them for that slap or that shake because he’s convinced you that it’s how men in love act. “Women with weak boundaries fail to verbalize and take action on what they need. They stay quiet and hope *somehow* it will all work out.”

It won’t.

“Boundaries are like gates through which we invite others into certain areas of our lives. If someone crashes your gates without an invitation, you can be sure that person will try to live inside your gates and invade your personal business without invitation. Men who are boundary violators, by definition, feel entitled to run your life.”

Brown gives a list of specific signs of a bad dating choice. Read and learn, ladies. Read and learn.

A man might be a poor dating choice if  he (partial list)

–doesn’t respect your need for time alone

–pushes to see you all the time

–discourages your outside interests, family and friends

–asks you to do things you are uncomfortable doing (like lying for him, giving him money, sex)

–wants to control your hair, dress, behavior, friends, jobs, or how you express your spirituality

–is physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually “rough” or “weird”

–is too charming, has all the right lines, comes across as excessively smooth

–has a string of unsuccessful relationsips (remember, you aren’t special!!)

–conceals important information about himself that you only discover later.

If your guys displays any of these behaviors, know that it is NOT normal, but ab-normal. Don’t try to talk to him, don’t try to change him, don’t try to pray him normal. Just. Walk. Away.

But while my father missed these two big events, I’m grateful of what he was able to be there for most of my and my brother’s rites of passage. I was born when he was 50 years old, and I would always worry if my dad would live long enough to see me graduate from high school, college, walk me down the aisle, and see his grandchildren. My prayers were answered on all of it, until the end, when his body could no longer sustain this life. But I know my dad was there during my grief about losing him, during the scary time when I had given birth to The Babster so soon because all the stress caused a massive infection which forced my body to expel my child at only 27 weeks gestation.

At the times I wanted to just die, he was there. Theodore Russell was always a man who loved the bible and believed prayer changes things, so I would sleep with his old tattered bible under my pillow, praying that all the things the doctors told me about my baby wouldn’t come to be, like that the veins in her brain, so weak and premature, might cause her to have a stroke; bleeding in the brain that could leave her a vegetable. Or that she might need surgery to close a valve in her heart that was supposed to close at birth, but stubbornly wouldn’t. She might go blind. Her intestines could die off (necrotize) and poison her.

Emma (The Babster) back then…

When I was on the ledge and ready to jump, right after the doctors had given The Babster her second spinal tap and we anxiously awaited the results, my father came to me in a dream. Without using words, he appeared to me as he did in life, wearing his old work khakis and plaid long-sleeved shirt. He was well…the brightness in his eyes had returned, he was lucid, not like the months before he died, when multiple strokes had caused him to be in a permanent vegetative state. He was Dad again, just as I’d remembered him.

But instead of smiling, his face was serious. He had something very important to tell me. He put his large hands on his bald head, and shook his head as if saying “No.” Then he put his hands on his chest, and shook his head again. Finally he put his hands to his belly and repeated the signal.

Not once was I confused about what he meant. I knew he was telling me that all the terrible  things the doctors warned of was never going to happen. Emma would be perfect.

When I woke up, I thought my grief and fear may have caused a mental break, and that I had just imagined it all. But I hadn’t. Every test, Every. Single. Test. came back negative. Spinal tap for brain infection? Her cerebral fluid was clear as water. Bleeding in the brain? The MRI showed a perfect specimen, with hundreds of tiny folds to absorb all her future learning. Heart surgery? Nope. The valve closed all on it’s own. Damaged lungs from being on the life-sustaining vent for two weeks? Nope. Those were perfect too. Necrotized gut? No way. Emma had too much eating to do.

Emma (The Babster) now…at almost four years old.

And with each test that came back, I my confidence grew that my father had, indeed, come to me. As he reassured me in life that “Everything was ‘gon be alright” with that country twang, he did in death. And as usual, he was always there when I needed him most.

I love you Theodore Russell. I’ll make sure Emma always knows how much her grand-dad loved her and her mommy.

Until heaven…

One of the chief complaints I hear about the advocacy of interracial dating has to do with the argument that “nobody understands you better than your own.” When it comes to black women, I hear a lot of clucking about how nobody but a black man can truly understand the hurdles and challenges black women have to overcome because of the double-whammy of being black and a woman. Conversely, the argument of the women in the pro-black-love crew say that nobody but a black woman can properly support and uplift the black man. So if that’s true, you’d think unions between black men and women would thrive, right? I mean, you’re both black–equally-yoked, right? We should all be in thriving relationships and marriages, with our kids loved, protected and provided for, correct?

Equally yoked, not “yolked”

Wrong.

Here’s a startling fact, dearies. African Americans have the highest divorce rates of all races.

In a study called “The Topography of the Divorce Plateua,” Dr. R. Kelly Raley and Dr. Larry Bumpass said the high rate of divorce among African-Americans “may provide an important insight for understanding the low, and decreasing, marriage rate for the group as well as the high proportion of the birth to unmarried black women,”

The researchers found that “70 percent of black women’s first marriages will end in divorce, as will 47 percent of white women’s marriages…” Age, education and income are major factors in the stability of all marriages, regardless of race or ethnicity, but those factors affect African-American couples more than others, according to the two researchers.

[Source]

No wonder whenever we talk marriage ’round these parts there’s a real feeling of hopelessness (or disdain) in that regard. So as a result, many in the pro-black-love crew resigns to either go it alone or settle for half-a-dude, all the while pushing that whole, “marriage is obsolete” garbage. And yes, it is a pile of stinky garbage topped with dog doo. Check out this study from the Pew Research Center. Blacks rate the highest in the belief that marriage is passé. Hahaha and LOL. Blacks are so “above” the whole marriage deal, huh? It’s no wonder, considering that many of us have seen horrendous unions chock-full of abuse, poverty and infidelity. Who would want that? While others of us wouldn’t even know what a married couple looked like unless it was on television. Most of us–yes MOST–have no good examples of healthy, long-term marriages. Of course so many of us don’t want marriage. We don’t even know what it looks like.

If Marriage Sucks So Bad, Why Are Most Successful People Married?

Think about some of the most powerful people and families in the country, regardless of race. The politicians, the physicians, lawyers, business owners making kabillions and ask yourself how many of these leaders and movers and shakers are saying marriage is just a piece of paper. The most successful people in our country almost ALWAYS marry, and almost ALWAYS marry well. They marry like-minded people who are usually on the same level at least educationally, professional and most often socially. Black women are the only group of women who are basically being commanded to lower their standards if they want to get married. Do you know why the GAT-DL pushes for that so hard? Because they know that educated and successful black women outnumber educated and successful black men by a mile. And educated black men are the ‘magic purple unicorns who go on to marry whomever they please (and intermarry twice as much as black women do), and who often have a bloated sense of entitlement for just doing the normal stuff… you know, like getting an education, staying out of jail, and not having a bunch of babies out of wedlock.

But lowering your standards is almost always a bad idea. One of my closest friends married a man she met while he was in prison serving time for armed robbery. She is college educated and is in a management position at her job. Because he is a felon, he has always struggled with finding long-term work. He has cheated several times and given her two STI’s. He also does no work around the house, because you know, that’s for da wimmiz, so she does a double shift everyday, working, cooking, cleaning and caring for the kids while he hangs out with his homies and smokes weed. They are still married. Why? Because she thinks God wants her to stay married to him.

When they began their relationship, my friend thought they were equally yoked because they we both black and both Christians. In the black community, that’s pretty much all you need to be considered suitably matched. When she told me 12 years ago that she was going to marry this man, I blurted, “He’s beneath you.” She was incensed. She accused me of “changing” and “thinking I was too good,” which is code for “You’re dating that white man and now you think you’re too good for your own people!!” But what my friend didn’t realize is that I was more “equally yoked” and compatible with my husband-to-be than she was with her own “skinfolk.” Take melanin out of it, I know my friend would have never married a man of any other race who had such an abysmal history. She gave her husband a “black pass.” She graded him on one hell of a curve.

Here’s my advice. “Equally yoked” doesn’t have to be so dang complicated. It means that you find someone on your level. If you have a college degree, so should he. If you make six figures, so should he (or at least have the ability to support you if you take time off to have his kids). If you want kids, so should he. If you like Christmas, you probably shouldn’t marry a devout Jew. You don’t have to be twinzies, but you need to have enough in common to have a fighting chance. If you wouldn’t accept multiple kids from different women, a jail bird that’s built his nest at Folsom Prison, or an aspiring rapper who lives in his mom’s basement from a white guy, why would you accept it from a black guy? Keep skin color out of it, and grade everyone with the SAME RED MARKER.

Finally, do this exercise. Look at the person you are dating or considering a long-term relationship with and ask yourself this question: “Would I want my daughter to marry this man?” If the answer is NO, you KNOW what to do. And if you’re the kind of parent who doesn’t want the absolute best for your kids, then get off this page and go twerk somewhere.

Special thanks to Felicia for bringing certain things to my attention.

Most of you know how I feel about the importance of children being raised by two functional and healthy parents, who can provide and protect that child so that they can have a better chance to go out into the world to be productive, functioning and law-abiding citizens. That’s why when I was asked to spread the word about tonight’s premiere of the new season of I’m Having Their Baby, I was all for it. If you’ve never seen the show before, the theme of it centers around expectant mothers in precarious situations, or for a variety of reasons, are unable to raise their babies, and the adoptive parents who go on the highs and lows of the process. Take a look at some of the drama in this clip…

This season will delve deeper into the lives and love relationship of the birth mothers who are in the process of deciding whether or not to adopt, and how friends and family members react to their decisions. One thing that stood out for me in the clip was seeing the black women choosing adoption for their unborn children. I find that especially noble, considering that the dysfunction faction of the black community scoffs upon adoption, despite what the ravages the out-of-wedlock birthrate has wrought.

Some folks may have mixed feelings about watching this reality show, but I don’t—it’s one I’m looking forward to watching. It’s nice to see a show about people acting like adults and making decisions that best for other people besides themselves.

I’d love for you guys to take a look at the show tonight and come back to let me know what you think…one commenter will win a $50 Visa gift card, courtesy of the Oxygen Network. In order to qualify, you have to comment on what happened on the show TONIGHT, and the winner will be announced first thing tomorrow.

Here’s the deets:
I’m Having Their Baby
Premieres tonight, June 12 at 10:00/9:00 PM Central

One hot summer’s day a Fox was strolling through an orchard till he came to a bunch of grapes just ripening on a vine which had been trained over a lofty branch. “Just the thing to quench my thirst,” quoth he. Drawing back a few paces, he took a run and a jump, and just missed the bunch. Turning round again with a One, Two, Three, he jumped up, but with no greater success. Again and again he tried after the tempting morsel, but at last had to give it up, and walked away with his nose in the air, saying: “I am sure they are sour.”

The moral of this fable? It is easy to despise what you cannot get.

Many black women have come to despise the idea of marriage. And the kicker? MANY OF THESE WOMEN ARE NOT AND HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED.

So where, pray tell, does this hostility come from? 

The “Untasted Grapes MUST Be Sour” Myth

Taking a cue from our fable, how many people have heard black women lambasting love and relationships, but most especially marriage, despite never having had it like that themselves?

o/ <<<< hand in the air

This can be a painful area for single black women. Particularly those women who have quietly accepted a reality where they will never find love, let alone be married. So whenever someone starts talking about the positive aspects of marriage, it can be like nails on a freaking chalkboard.

AAAAAAACK STOP IT!

Ever wonder why these women get so mad? It’s because the topic of black women in loving relationships where they are married and thriving is like a dog and a dog whistle: You don’t hear what’s so bad or painful, but they do. Oh do they ever. And they will let you know.

What you need to do is tune these women out. Fast. Especially if you are also a single black woman. Otherwise you’ll start believe that something you’ve never had a chance to experience is automatically terrible and overrated. All because of what other never-married-and-probably-never-will-be groups of black women think.

Indoctrination Is One Hell Of A Drug

What happens when you tell black women through words AND actions for so long that “nobody wants you?” Often, you get an army of bodies mumbling obediently about how they will gladly have babies by deadbeat fathers, give up on the prospect of ever being loved by anyone, and above all, instruct every young black woman they meet to hate the possibility of marriage and treat any black woman promoting it as suspect.

That’s one heck of a Jedi mind trick.

Black women are very vulnerable to other groups of people attempting to perform these types of mental tricks on them that ultimately work against them. The genius is in getting the black woman to believe she came to the conclusion herself and it’s the natural order of things.

One of the ways to do this is to repeatedly tell black women how strong they are on their own. Not just strong, but different from other women. Other women might need men and marriage. But not black women. Heck, feminism is trying to catch up to US. We are out there doing it by our selves! Black men leave because we don’t need them or our toughness drives them away!

….You see what I just did there?

The above is the garbage regularly spoon-fed to black women from birth. We are some kind of other, one that would be backwards for placing any kind of emphasis on love, marriage, and a stable two-parent home. To even STRIVE for these things gets you grief.

Indoctrination of black women teaches them to loathe the rule, chase the exception, and to be something that flies in the face of human social evolution: A being that survives in a harsh world on their own while trying to support offspring.

Single black mothers who’ve never been married and who’ve been abandoned by their children’s fathers head America’s poorest households.

Despite the fact that this is hurting black women and the children in these families, this is something that is readily glossed over. Some people would rather ignore this reality than address it and encourage black women to avoid it.

Fact: Some Black Women WANT Other Black Women Single,  Miserable, And Afraid Of Marriage

Black women can do bad ALL by ourselves. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where many have come to believe that if you aren’t struggling, miserable, or in a constant state of anger that something is wrong with you. I’m not talking about stereotypes and racism: I mean there is a pathological belief that a black woman’s lot in life is a lonely struggle.

So naturally, when you see upbeat black women, married and living at home in comfort, somebody is going to have something not so nice to say about it.

Such women MUST be lazy. They are gold-diggers. They won’t be prepared for the divorce.

Oh, the “D” word. Black women who hate the idea of marriage LOVE to toss that one around. This nightmare where every black woman is going to have the rug pulled out from under them at some point. Where they relied on a man and it backfired.

Listen doves, divorce happens. Sometimes, a woman actually makes it happen.  It’s not always a situation where a woman and her children has been abandoned. It’s not always about being blindsided and unprepared for being left behind. Sometimes it’s simply what’s best for that woman, especially if the man is a sociopath and abuser.

Divorce has been used as “the boogie man” by a lot of black women who are single and never married to scare other black women from wanting to be married. And they do this for entirely selfish reasons. These women a lot of the time feel they have nothing and will end alone. So it’s not enough to give up on themselves and whether or not they could ever have a happy marriage. Nope, they want to “save” black women from ever aspiring to being in happy and functional marriages. And get the smelling salts if you suggest it’s okay to be a SAHM.

They want you to know that you’re better off not putting any stock in being married. Plan for the inevitable divorce. Don’t look for a man, because you are a black woman! You don’t need men and you don’t want to be married because x, y, and z.

To Whom It May Concern: People with abandonment issues should not be counseling anyone as to whether or not they should be married. Deal with your issues and leave other black women alone.

If marriage is GENUINELY something a person doesn’t want, it’s as simple as saying, “That’s not for me.” When you fly off the handle whenever someone promotes marriage in a positive light, you are really running away from your abandonment and commitment issues. Things you need to sort out rather than project onto other people. 

Marriage is not the enemy. However, using it as a red herring for your own emotional issues most certainly is.

The report commentary was clear about the pros and cons of this data. But, some news outlets ran with the “breadwinner” trope while glossing over the inherent racial, educational, and economic gaps between those “breadwinners” and the single mothers who have no other partner in the household contributing to the bottom line. Only 37% of the 4 in 10 households were what one would traditionally refer to as bread-winning. These were married women who were out-earning their husbands in the workplace. But, the other 63% were single mothers. This latter group nearly tripled from 1960 to 2011.

The real truth is single-motherhood is becoming more and more common. And, these single moms tend to be black or Hispanic with no college education. Conversely, married women outpacing their husbands in wages tend to be white and college educated. The truth is single mothers have no choice but to be breadwinners. With no other adult in the household, they have been relegated to entry-level jobs with no promise of equal pay.

Women in the workplace are credited with things like the “disintegration of marriage” and broken families. All the while, changes in the economic environment have all but required that these women abandon the Leave it to Beaver ideals of June Cleaver cleaning scraped knees and baking meatloaves and American apple pies each day of the week. The negative opinions of working women seem to be in direct discord with the lighthearted breadwinner trope assigned just this past week.

Women are not usually breadwinners. And, they are definitely not really winning in the workplace. But, it is worth noting that major news sources, research centers, and mainstream commentators are willing to look at these issues women face in the workplace with at least a slight bit of attention toward the realities they face. The real question is: what are we going to do about it?

To start, a recommendation might be to ditch the happy-go-lucky labels like “breadwinner” and “out-earning.” Being honest about inequality for women workers is a healthy step toward a long-term solution. Hopefully, this new report will move dialogue in that direction in the very near future.

So, where is the silver-lining here? Well, frankly, I don’t see one. While it is impressive that more women have entered the workplace, it is still incredibly apparent that economic pressures, traditional standards regarding gender roles and the difficulty of balancing motherhood with professionalism result in undue stress on women regardless of their personal successes. Simultaneously, vast gaps in pay between the genders and races further elucidate a systemic problem which this country has yet to address and solve.

To said bigots, I present this empty stadium. It may take you awhile to work your way around. You might have to miss a couple of days of work. There may be an awkward pause as you remove your head from between your butt cheeks. However, I insist that you to take the time necessary to place your rear in all the available spaces where a person could possibly have a seat. At least so that you can spend your time elsewhere and not breathing your garlic-and-sweat-soaked-sock-smelling hot breath in the conversational spaces of people with better things to do than hear your ignorant and ugly opinions.

ATTENTION: NO IRR-MINDED PERSON IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS IS LOOKING TO DATE A RACIST WHITE MALE OR NOTHIN-BUT-A-BROTHA BLACK WOMAN.

I can’t believe it would have to be said so bluntly, since it just always seemed so obvious. However, there are clearly  enough people so utterly confused by the notion that it bears repeating:

NO IRR-MINDED PERSON….IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS….IS LOOKING TO DATE….A RACIST WHITE MALE….OR NOTHIN-BUT-A-BROTHA BLACK WOMAN.

I broke it up for easier reading comprehension where applicable.

Yes, the question was asked in the “Why Would You Date or Marry a Known Racist?” post. But that does not mean that there are black women occupying IRR relationship blogs and communities dreaming of their very own Klu-Klux-Klan member. If that’s what you think, go back to whatever “white power” corner of the internet you came from. False alarm. All you brother-cousins keeping it in the family in order to ensure “racial purity” need not concern yourselves with black women and our dating habits. We’ll be just fine, thank you.

As for NBAB black women, I actually continue to not care whether or not some black women loudly declare that they’ll only allow a black penis inside them. “Love” is not about color, so please do not think I’m going to use that word to define your malfunction. It’s the skin color you’re hung up on, not the emotion. So if you are that hard up for black men, have at it, chica. I for one will not stop you, brow-beat you, or agonize over your personal decision to never date interracially EVER!

I will instead go on record as saying I am not inclined to lose sleep over black women who are absolutely adamant about not dating interracially. From a competitive point of view, that’s one less woman I have to worry about. o/ And from an empathetic point of view, I would not wish any non-black man waste their time with these women.

It’s only annoying when these women attempt to tie their decision to all black women. If that’s you, please realize that you don’t get to align your bigotry with my racial identity. You don’t get to stand up on your sad little soapbox and try to play the “true black women only date and marry black men” game. Because one’s bloodline is not so flimsy that it comes and goes based on who they elect to date. If you want to not date someone because of the color of their skin or their ethnic heritage, say it and own it as a PERSONAL decision. Keep the identities, inclinations, and achievements of other black women out of your mouth.

If you don’t know who the hell you are beyond what the race your significant other is, go get a clue. If you don’t know that dating black women doesn’t entitle you to be a racist piece of crap or stop you from being one, go get a clue (and leave every black woman alone forever, thank you).

To whom it may concern: Interracial relationships and the children that come forth are a permanent reality. This cannot and will not be undone. If it makes you uncomfortable, who cares? Go be uncomfortable in the corner. No one will miss you.

And please, don’t make the mistake of thinking you are in danger if other people express an interest in interracial dating. Instead, go ahead and clarify what kind of person you are as soon as possible. That way your “admirers” can stop wasting their time thinking better of you than you deserve.

Hey everyone,

My name is Imani and I am from Brooklyn, New York. I go to a tiny liberal arts school in central Minnesota called College of Saint Benedict/Saint John’s University, where I am currently a rising junior. I am majoring in Psychology with a minor in Sociology.  It isn’t easy adjusting to small town living coming from a huge city. But now I have an amazing opportunity to go inhabit a big city once again! Any of my friends or family can tell you that I have an obsession with Europe, not just Europe but the UK in particular. Luckily I know get to go to Europe because I got accepted into the London Study Abroad Program. In this study abroad program I will be learning about the church in England, and hopefully get into a sociology class. I am really interested in the Jamaican influence on London and its culture.

One of my goals is to one day live in London or in the UK in general and become a psychologist. Now, most of you know that London is pretty pricey, this study abroad program cost about 10,000 US dollars. I managed to cover about 6,000 dollars in cost with financial aid, but I need about 4,000 dollars more. I currently have a summer job on campus, but I have to pay rent for summer housing and buy my own food which cuts a huge chunk out of my paycheck. So I decided that if I really want this, I have to put myself out there and start to fund raise money for my future.  This is where you guys come in! I am looking to fund raise at least 2,000 dollars for  my trip.  You can go to this website:http://www.gofundme.com/32u94c and donate money. Small donations are greatly appreciated, they add up! Once again, thank you so much.  This site has taught me the importance of travel and I have read so many travel blogs here about the wonderful experiences that you women have had. I plan on blogging as well about my trip and other endeavors when I come back.  I am so excited!

——-

Note from BB&W: We here at Beyond Black & White believe in just paying lip service about the betterment of black women, we galvanize! BB&W will donate $75 toward Imani’s trip, and we hope that you will contribute as well. Imani has been a loyal reader for years–she grew up here. Let’s send our kid off into the world so she can live the life we preach!

Hi Christelyn,

I wanted to give you a heads up that DatingAdvice.com has named you as one of the year’s “10 Best Interracial Dating Blogs.” The rankings were published this morning, and we’ll be promoting it on-site and through other media channels over the coming days:http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/10-best-interracial-dating-blogs

You have the bragging rights, so feel free to share the news on your blog and with your followers! Let me know if I can be of any help in promoting the news.Have a great day,Hayley

Why thank you, Haley, I will so just that! Here’s what they said about us:

Pssst….we beat Madame Noire!! Probably because we don’t deliver IRR news and advice is a ratchety, Bossipy way…

So…what did DatingAdvice.com like the MOST about us, and what made us get to the tippy top? Oh yeah. We are IN YOUR FACE, TELL IT LIKE IT T-I-IS. But don’t forget to read on, BB&W is run by a group of POWERFUL WOMEN.  In other words, BB&W wouldn’t be BB&W without the powerful women (and men) who support the vision of the site. It’s not just that I’m so awesome, it’s that all of you are AWESOME SAUCE.

Over the next few weeks you’ll notice some pretty big changes around here…all good, but we are about to take this to the next level. Wish I could say more, but I’m mum for now.

For today, I will bask in this sliver of coolness before the next lynch mob comes for my head. BTW, it was cool to see Zabeth’s and Velour’s blog make the list too. Congrats, ladies!!

Lucky us.

I’m not arguing that people shouldn’t give advice, they can, and some people charge for their advice, but that doesn’t guarantee that the advice given is useful or worthwhile to adhere to.

How does one decide who to listen to?

I spend way more time listening and observing people than I ever do talking or communication with folks. I have a low tolerance for many thing, one of which is hot air.

I don’t know what to tell you, other than, STFU but that’s not nice and I really do try to be pleasant. It’s just that some people really do need to stop talking sometimes.

We’re taught to respect the opinions of others. What we aren’t encouraged to do is to critique and comprehensively weight the logic of the person offering the advice. 

When advice or information offered, even when unsolicited, it is supposed to be received and considered as gift. People can get offended if you don’t nod your head and immediately instill those life changing behaviors like you were told to do. 

But why is that?

It seems like more times than not, the people offering free (unsolicited) advice are doing so to make themselves feel better and not because they believe their advice will help you. To add insult to injury, usually the advice given ain’t worth a dam anyway, and maybe that’s why its free.

Who gets to be in charge of knowing ‘shit’ and what happens when someone who claims to know ‘ish’, doesn’t actually know anything? Or at least, nothing useful to you? Do you sit quietly and tune them out while smiling and nodding your head? I’ve never been good at that. I tried.

Sure, some people give great advice, and others not so much.

People may take the time out of their lives to sit you down and give you a good piece of tried and trusted life coaching. That’s how we learn that ain’t nothing new under the sun. Old people will tell you about some things because they’ve lived through some things and they’ve seen similar occurrences.

There is nothing new under the sun when it comes to people, in my opinion, of course.

I mean, I think humans are cute and everything and some of y’all are quite nice, but others….need seats.

Warm, cold, or in the nosebleed section. I don’t care where you go just “get away from me with your illogical, limiting, counter productive babble”, is what I want to say, but don’t.

At some point time you realize that you just can’t listen to every person that has a mouth and words.

You’ll hurt yourself.

See, I’m a listener, and a people watcher from infancy and so I’ve learned a few things by observation. Namely, that a lot of people don’t know half of what they claim to know.

I’ve never, under any circumstances, seemed to pay attention to the title of the person in front of me talking when they begin to tell me about what I should be doing, thinking or believing.

Nope.

You think since “You’re the boss” that you automatically get some type of deferment of authority…..WRONG!

I’ve never been one to offer implied competence and presumed superiority. I got to think about it for a minute, and then I’ll decide the level of volume I allow you.

find it highly unlikely that you can walk up on me and know all the perfect steps that I need to follow in order for me to work out my own heaping pile of smelly life issues.

What’s up with the types that offer others advice, but yet they can’t figure out (or see) their own mess? I don’t need your advice on my hair, when your hair looks nothing like the texture of my own, though hair advice has been a favorite of folks for my entire life.

I can’t help but to feel like my hair isn’t amazing, when I know it is, so what was the motivation behind suggesting I do things to my hair that would damage it or make it look a mess. I have to wonder ‘why are you talking’?

I don’t want or need your advice on child rearing, my style of dress, the appropriate language ‘for a lady’ or any a number of things that I have a grip on. I’m happy with who I’ve carved myself out to be, I trust my own steps, and I think for myself.

I made me in the image of myself.

In order to get my respect you have to earn it, and here is where you start paying…. in sweat!!

Wait…..that’s Fame.

But yeah, same difference.

I’m from the ‘show me state’; don’t stand here pointing to the plaques on the wall and tell me that I should take you seriously. That shit didn’t work in kindergarten and it won’t work now. Even then I needed to know why I had to do as the teacher told me without explanation or a chance to ask my million questions for clarity and content.

My mother was called in at some point and she quietly explained to me that people will get mad if I don’t do as they say, even if I think what they are telling me or asking me to do is stupid.

I’ve found that to be still be true, as an adult, and as employee, especially. I’ve spent a lot of time doing unproductive things because I was instructed to do so by someone who has a larger cubicle than I. I’ve gotten into situations where my job is in jeopardy for following the direction of someone that everybody knows is incompetent but no one will pr can say so f0r one reason or another.

I especially love those who give unsolicited advice, and then have the nerve to get angry when you don’t immediately agree with them. Speaking louder, and talking in circles and playing victim are all signs of an incompetent person losing ground.

Those tactics don’t work and actually make the person look dumber. But you can’t say that. So you listen and tolerate and nod your head.

While they proclaim their ‘important-ness’ the tinier they shrink until you can no longer hear them.

On occasion, I may listen to a piece of advice and I may take a cue from a person that has shown that they know what they are talking about.

Like, if I’m having a problem with my car, I’m not seeking the guidance of the neighborhood barista on what to do under the hood of my Tonka truck.

If I’m trying to figure out how to get into college I would not tolerate a lecture from the local high school dropout on how I  may successfully accomplish my goal of higher education.

If you are giving out dating advice then I expect you to be actively and successfully dating. If not then wouldn’t listening to you cause me to be dateless or just as bad off as I am prior to listening to you?

I’m just sayin…

Then there are those who know good and well that they’re bluffing their way through a topic in hopes that the audience is more ignorant than they are. You call these types ‘politicians’, it strikes me as amusing that people are shocked to learn politicians bend the truth. Store front pastors, quick weight loss gurus and a gang of other folks with ‘advice’ that doesn’t seem to work and comes at a high cost are also bending the truth.

The business of influence is a lucrative one.

In other words, they’re running game on you.

But how do you determine when someone is full of shit or otherwise not worth listening to?

Easy…..just listen to them and while you’re at it…..consider the source.