Beyond Black & White » Thriving http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Fri, 19 Sep 2014 04:52:35 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0 Iyanla Can NOT Fix This Man’s Life! I Just #Cant with These Silly Women Who Think They’re “Special!” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/iyanla-can-fix-mans-life-just-cant-silly-women-think-theyre-special/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/iyanla-can-fix-mans-life-just-cant-silly-women-think-theyre-special/#comments Thu, 04 Sep 2014 02:55:47 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32944 I don’t have words to describe how DISGUSTED I was when I saw the upcoming preview of the new season of Iyanla’s “Fix My Life.” Iyanla will *attempt* to fix the life of a man who has fathered 34 children by 17 different women. I’m sorry, but no amount of psychological sorcery can fix this […]

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I don’t have words to describe how DISGUSTED I was when I saw the upcoming preview of the new season of Iyanla’s “Fix My Life.” Iyanla will *attempt* to fix the life of a man who has fathered 34 children by 17 different women.

I’m sorry, but no amount of psychological sorcery can fix this man, or the silly women dumb enough to think that *they* were going to be “the one” to change this walking, talking, failed abortion of a man. And unfortunately, there’s probably little help for these women who should have, had to have, DEFINITELY KNEW he had a stable of baby mamas and STILL agreed to have his children, MULTIPLE TIMES. There is NO fixing this. You know what else won’t, can’t be fixed?! The lives of those 34 children, that’s who! These people are so especially, spectacularly SELFISH that it makes me so mad I could spit big fat green loogies (preferably in this ‘Ray-Ray’s’ face)!!

What is it about THIS man that makes his penis so magical that mere condoms can’t hold him?

Can someone please, please PLEASE explain to me the mentality that enables this to happen in NO OTHER COMMUNITY but ours? (And don’t come up in here and talk about cult Mormons or Muslims with multiple wives, cuz they TAKE CARE of their kids and wives!!!)

Do ya’ll realize how DUMB and INFANTILE it makes black men look…if you can’t have command of your ‘joy stick’ how are you gonna command anything?! Go back to your mama’s basement and stuff those envelopes, Leroy!!

And these ladies aren’t off the hook, either. Talk about seeing a disaster and walking right on the train tracks, prostrate, BEGGING to be trampled. You are NOT special! Your vagina will not be the magical salve to change this short-bus-riding, sorry excuse for a man!!!

Oh and you know what else is crazy? I’m hearing certain “cult personalities” with multiple children peppered throughout the BC advising black men to not date women with kids. Hypocrites, much?

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Ten Interests that can Connect You to Other People http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ten-interests-can-connect-people/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ten-interests-can-connect-people/#comments Tue, 02 Sep 2014 04:47:07 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32802 By Dani We talk here often about getting out of the house to meet people and have suggested  joining Meet-up or Facebook groups around interracial dating. While those are great, they are limited to a few big cities, yet those of us interested in swirling are everywhere! Another excellent way to meet people is finding […]

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By Dani

We talk here often about getting out of the house to meet people and have suggested  joining Meet-up or Facebook groups around interracial dating. While those are great, they are limited to a few big cities, yet those of us interested in swirling are everywhere!

Another excellent way to meet people is finding those who share your hobbies and interests. Again, Meet-up is helpful here but can be limited geographically. For people who are introverted and not prone to immediately engaging strangers, participating in common interests can help break the ice over time. Repeated, casual interactions outside of a dating context (where people try to put their best foot forward) can also help with character discernment and vetting.

So, depending on your fancy, here are ten common interests that can springboard you into meeting other people. These ideas can help you connect with organizations you can participate in, volunteer at or even get a part-time job with.

The Arts

If you have a passion for the arts consider joining a drama group, taking up screenwriting, volunteering at a children’s theatre, or visiting an arts festival.  Film is one of my personal hobbies and I went to the Toronto Film Festival  a couple of years ago. I recall meeting and chatting with several guys. If you don’t have the time for regular involvement, consider donating to an arts organization in order to get on the list for donor appreciation events.

Animals

Are you an animal lover? If so, many, many Americans own animals and regularly need services like grooming, daycare/boarding   and veterinary care. Additionally, many shelters are in desperate need of financial help, so helping to organize annual fundraisers   is another way to give back and interact with people who share your passion for animals. Other ideas are joining your local zoo to attend members-only events or signing your animal up for pet lessons.

Business

Some of us live and die by what’s going on in the market. Connect with like-minded professionals by joining your local Chamber of Commerce. Join professional organizations that have country club privileges. As a bonus, you may be able to snag a mentor and have that person introduce you to other professional circles.

Food

mini grilled cheese

If you are a foodie, you are in good company at the pop-up dining experiences put on by The Art of Dining in London. Find your fellow food lovers during cooking lessons at Macy’s  or specialty stores. You could also volunteer at a food expo – ladies, get to know handsome farmers, vendors and green entrepreneurs. If you’re in Orlando or San Diego, check out the dating site, Dinner Date.

History

Are you a history buff? Consider giving learning to give specialty city tours, like the Helter Skelter tour  in L.A. or the Alcatraz Night Tour. Museums are always looking for volunteer tour guides as well.

The Outdoors

Have you ever had the burning desire to make a fire from two sticks? Check out some survival training with Bear Grylls. Find other outdoors enthusiasts by joining a hiking club, taking fishing lessons or learning archery.

Politics and Public Policy

If social causes and a strong concern about the future of the country are your thing, consider volunteering with a political party. There are several Young Republican/Democrat/Libertarian chapters around the country. You can also join a foreign policy club  or a local chapter of the United Nations.

Science

Meet fellow science geeks and hot teachers through volunteering at a science fair. Or, discuss your love of science over a beer.

Sports

Always wanted to learn tennis? Try adult lessons. If you are nostalgic about grade school kickball, find a league for grown-ups, preferably one that combines games with adult beverages. For those who enjoy niche sports like rugby or cricket in the U.S., check out a fan club which can give you a heads up when foreign teams play exhibition matches here in the States.

Trivia

Do you enjoy your knowledge of obscure and likely useless facts? Head out to trivia night at a local watering hole. Many movie theaters or libraries offer a film trivia night as well. If you’ve dreamed of going on the ultimate trivia show, start a study group to help prepare for the big test.

Now, get out there and meet people!

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Live Tweeting from Ferguson; But Is @Jack Dorsey a Potential Ally for Black Women? http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/is-jack-dorsey-ally-for-black-women/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/is-jack-dorsey-ally-for-black-women/#comments Fri, 29 Aug 2014 11:33:49 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32834 By Dani What does Jack Dorsey’s recent presence in Ferguson, Missouri mean? Inquiring minds on the left and right went abuzz as Jack Dorsey, the prolific founder of Twitter and Square, was live tweeting from Ferguson, Missouri for nearly two weeks. Apparently he was raised in the City of St. Louis, not far at all […]

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By Dani

DorseyJackTEDetroit

What does Jack Dorsey’s recent presence in Ferguson, Missouri mean? Inquiring minds on the left and right went abuzz as Jack Dorsey, the prolific founder of Twitter and Square, was live tweeting from Ferguson, Missouri for nearly two weeks. Apparently he was raised in the City of St. Louis, not far at all from Ferguson:

Jack STL

Conservatives grumble that he’s just the latest rich Silicon Valley liberal (with a platform) to jump on board a do-gooder cause , whereas liberals see his presence as validation of the impact social media can bring for participants and followers of social movements.

Yet, I see something different entirely. I see an innovator (granted, possibly with political aspirations), willing to jump onto the front line to document the chaos transpiring a few miles from his childhood home. Whereas perennial black vote beggar Hillary Clinton took over two weeks to even mention Ferguson. When I think about Square transforming the lives of millions of small business owners (about 900,000 small business are owned by black women) and all of the awareness “Black Twitter” brought to the Renisha McBride and Teleka Patrick cases, I wonder what other inventions Jack Dorsey might dream up that could better the lives of black women.

I see a risk taker and wonder, “is he a potential ally?” In looking at an ancient list of the top concerns facing black women, I wonder where his innovative mind could be useful. Are there areas he might make a worthy partner?

While of course black women should not be looking to saviors to solve our concerns, sometimes it is helpful to get an outside perspective. Sometimes I worry that our black organizations focus too much on recognizing success or past ghosts and aren’t doing enough brainstorming to generate new solutions to solve the now generations-old problems plaguing our communities. Are disruptors, futurists or proven innovators ever brought in to help generate fresh ideas that do not rely on the government? There are so many exercises we regularly undertake in Corporate America to create our next product, service or ad campaign that I would love to apply to black women.

So let’s sound off in the comments. What are the top three ills you believe black girls and/or women face today? What new ideas should be explored to resolve them? And, how can technology help?

Jack, if you’re reading, the door is open.

 

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Stay Away from Sociopathic Men Who Wish to Corrupt and Shackle You Via Single Motherhood! http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/stay-away-sociopathic-men-wish-corrupt-shackle-via-single-motherhood/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/stay-away-sociopathic-men-wish-corrupt-shackle-via-single-motherhood/#comments Thu, 21 Aug 2014 17:02:50 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32595 Caution: I advise women who are never married single mothers to refrain from reading this post. This is not about you and your situation. Many of you might be offended about what I’m going to say. Again, this post is for SINGLE, CHILDLESS WOMEN OF REPRODUCTIVE AGE. I produced a video about a year ago […]

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Caution: I advise women who are never married single mothers to refrain from reading this post. This is not about you and your situation. Many of you might be offended about what I’m going to say. Again, this post is for SINGLE, CHILDLESS WOMEN OF REPRODUCTIVE AGE.

No through traffic

I produced a video about a year ago addressing the concerns of a young, single mother who asked me if her having a child and never being married makes her “used goods.”

This video must be linked to some he-man-woman-hating websites, because it’s currently being overrun with men who clearly read those sites, because they all use the same type of self-important language and lingo.

“Your child is deserving of a quality mom; a mom who picked right the first time, who’s still in a relationship with the child’s quality dad. So, is a single mom damaged goods? Barring extenuating circumstances, of which there rarely is, yes, single moms are damaged goods, they have already damaged the lives of at least three people.”
“YES 100% many reasons why, one of them is that she didn’t choose the right man (says something bad about her selection ability and what she based it on – probably gina tingles like most) or that she walks when the going gets tough.  No self-respecting man would ever go that route.”

However, the comments from these men are not without merit. Having a child from a man in which you have never been married is a liability in the dating world, and there’s just no amount of hearts, flowers and glitter I can put on top of that pile of shit to make it smell better. Other sites catering to black women simply will withhold the truth, celebrate and perpetuate the dysfunction or be completely silent, but that won’t happen here. This is one of the only mainstream blogs of note that will actually give it to you straight–if you’re young, fit, ambitious, educated and childless you are a commodity. You are considered “high value” in the dating world, and you need to acknowledge and protect your position because believe me when I tell you that there will be men who might come along to destroy every beautiful thing you have going for you.

Mainstream black society remains defiantly silent on this issue, so much so that black women, regardless of class and education are falling victim to the “struggling baby mama” lifestyle. I know of at least one very successful professional for a black website who had a child with a man who didn’t marry her–the mother of his child– but went on to marry another childless black women who more suited his career goals and social standing.

That man left this high-value woman with the baggage of his seed, and has unapologetically moved on to live his wonderful life while she will be left to do all the heavy lifting. What is even worse, black social media is cheering on this woman’s “beautiful struggle.” In a community where quality men are a scarcity, they can demand a woman be childless while simultaneously contributing to the out-of-wedlock rate. Male privilege at it’s worst.

Understand this. There is nothing noble or honorable about taking up the torch of single parenthood. It is hard and often thankless work. It’s scary. You’ll often cry yourself to sleep. You’ll be stressed and lonely. Trust me, I know because I’ve been there. The fact is, people will make assumptions about your character, forethought, and long-term-thinking abilities, because folks will assume you’ve had 100% control over your situation. The judging probably won’t happen overtly; people will make their decisions by way of steering clear.

That’s why I’m so dedicated to preaching, teaching a nagging young black women to know their worth and value their wombs. In a patriarchy, a woman’s womb is of tangible value. There may be men who see your prime position and will seek to knock you down from that pedestal. They seek to corrupt the beautiful life you are creating for yourself and thwart the advances of more worthy, quality men. Make no mistake that these sociopaths know exactly what they are doing.

I also should note that the desire to knock your pegs down might also come from your peers who fell victim to the single-mother trap. They’ll want you miserable and struggling right along with them; they’ll love the company.

Childless women, please, please PLEASE guard your fertility. Investigate birth control options. Refuse to let DBR’s corrupt your beautiful life.

I love you. I want you to have every option in the world that you want for your life. Listen to me.

 

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You Tube Star, Chescaleigh Talks Making a Plan and the Timeline Project http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tube-star-chescaleigh-talks-making-plan-timeline-project/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tube-star-chescaleigh-talks-making-plan-timeline-project/#comments Fri, 08 Aug 2014 05:29:10 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32332 We talk a lot around here about making plans and making positive changes to have better lives. Once you make a plan, you need a roadmap. That’s why I was really intrigued when I saw Chescaleigh at The Timeline Project booth at a conference I recently attended. When I found out it was sponsored by […]

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We talk a lot around here about making plans and making positive changes to have better lives. Once you make a plan, you need a roadmap. That’s why I was really intrigued when I saw Chescaleigh at The Timeline Project booth at a conference I recently attended. When I found out it was sponsored by Bayer, I was a little skeptical that they were trying to sell something.

Turns out that it looks like the company is just trying to do some good, and I’m cool with that. Well actually, I take that back. Bayer Healthcare is a purveyor of women’s birth control options, so creating a program that allows women of reproductive age to map their future while keeping control over when and how they conceive is all wonderful as far as I’m concerned. I’m all No Wedding, No Womb anyway.  I think doing this is so important, I want everyone here who is single and of reproductive age to create your timeline. Do it now!!

Chesca timeline project from Christelyn Karazin on Vimeo.

The Timeline Project allows you to custom create you personal timeline based on your personal and professional goals. It’s pretty amaze balls.

Screen Shot 2014-08-07 at 10.02.25 PM

Once you upload your goals, it’s packaged in a really cool way, and even suggests helpful articles that can help you achieve your goals. And it really is a timeline…you match goals by your age and future plans. You can even browse goals from other participants.

Uhm…why are you still here? Go start a timeline!

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Ready to Flee to Freedom? Tips to Get You on Your Way… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ready-flee-freedom-tips-get-way/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ready-flee-freedom-tips-get-way/#comments Thu, 07 Aug 2014 03:50:59 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32294 How many people are unhappy with their lives but do virtually nothing to fix them? Unfortunately, far too many. There are deeply ingrained bad habits, poor self-image, self-sabotage, lack of discipline and a host of other issues to grapple with. The pain of change may seem too great at times. But, at some point, you […]

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Leg and shoe on a suitcaseHow many people are unhappy with their lives but do virtually nothing to fix them? Unfortunately, far too many. There are deeply ingrained bad habits, poor self-image, self-sabotage, lack of discipline and a host of other issues to grapple with. The pain of change may seem too great at times.

But, at some point, you may have realized that you are ready to take real action; you really want to make changes, not just think about them. You are done wishing your life was different, and are ready to actually make that difference a reality. If you are at this point, congratulations. You are well on your way to getting the desired results.

Here are just a few tips to get you started:

Clarity is Key

If you are really serious about making positive changes, you need to get ultra-clear on what it is you want to change. What is causing you unhappiness now, and what do you think would change that? What type of person do you want to be? How do you want others to see you? When thinking of your ideal life, what does it look like? What are you doing? How do you feel? This is not the time to hold back based on what your life is like now, or how it has been. Don’t censor yourself. The clearer your vision, the more successful you will be in making your desired changes. You will have clearly defined targets and, with clear targets, it is easier to devise a plan of action.

Face Problems Head On 

To really change for the better, and achieve better emotional and mental health, it is important you get out of denial about any problems that you may be having, or finally address issues that you have been deliberately ignoring—they are not going to go away, as much as you are secretly hopizng they will.

If you are drowning in debt, for example, and can’t see a way out, start devising a plan to deal with it. Start reading up on credit repair company reviews to find a reputable company who may be able to help you. Reach out to lenders and tell them what is happening—they may give you a bit of leeway, and allow you to make smaller payments.

If you are involved in relationships with people who are emotionally toxic, you have to do something about it, whether it is talking with them about how they are affecting you, or limiting your time with these people. If your job is slowly killing you, you don’t have to quit tomorrow, but really start thinking about your next steps.

It can be scary actually taking action after sweeping things under the rug for so long, but it is a necessary if you are serious about really turning things around. While the fallout may be a bit unpleasant, things will begin to improve immediately on the whole.

Learn to Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable 

One of the reasons it is so hard to change for the better is that the things required to do this can be quite uncomfortable, sometimes both physically and mentally. You are stepping out into new territory that may be way outside your comfort zone. You may worry about how people close to you will react to your efforts to better yourself—unfortunately, not everyone will be happy about each move you make.

Some may take your efforts to change as some sort of rejection of their own way of being, or it will serve as an unwelcome reminder that they are mucking things up big time in certain areas of their own lives, and they won’t like this. Then there is the whole jealousy thing.

There will be times when you are doubtful you will be able to do what you want to do, or times when it feels truly impossible.  If you can learn to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable, you will be able to stay the course, and get through these difficult times. The reaction to these feelings will not be as intense.

Sometimes simply accepting the challenge gets you in a better state of mind.

 

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