Beyond Black & White » No Wedding, No Womb! http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Thu, 23 Oct 2014 04:41:04 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0 The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/iyanla-vanzant-cluster-cuss-bbw-must-keep-discussing-high-oow-rate/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/iyanla-vanzant-cluster-cuss-bbw-must-keep-discussing-high-oow-rate/#comments Tue, 14 Oct 2014 03:57:51 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=33907 During my 72-hour Facebook exile, several people posted a letter on my wall from the eldest child of the man featured on Iyanla, Fix My Life who boasted 34 children by 17 different women. It was a ratings boon for the OWN Network, but left many of us sort of feeling like we needed a shower. […]

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During my 72-hour Facebook exile, several people posted a letter on my wall from the eldest child of the man featured on Iyanla, Fix My Life who boasted 34 children by 17 different women. It was a ratings boon for the OWN Network, but left many of us sort of feeling like we needed a shower. Honestly, I couldn’t watch the entire 3-part pain porn fest, nor could I stomach how Jay Williams, a successful Atlanta music producer, seemed so disconnected by his actions. I also wasn’t up for hearing how the next 16 mothers could fix their mouths to make excuses about how they contributed to 50% of the mess. Let’s all be real. Some of them saw a semi-successful, good looking black man fixed themselves to compete for “top wifey” status. There is blame enough for this dude and the 17 other participants in this blight. But you know who is absolutely, 100% blameless? The kids. And it’s about time we heard from them.

Amina Mosley, the eldest of the disaster brood, shared her heartfelt thoughts in this letter, here. It is quite long, so read it first and then come back.

Iyanla-Fix-My-Life-Jay-Williams-41-e1412959460253-520x422

A few paragraphs stood out to me in this letter. Let’s start with this:

“What does a person like that teach a child about how to socialize? Have no expectations? Have no voice? Set no boundaries?”

And THAT chicas, is the root of why so many young black men and women are amongst us as the walking wounded. The “wounded” expresses itself in black boys has hyper masculinity, misogyny, hatred of black women and the desire to have sexual dominance over them, and the notion that the more children they create, the more “manly” they become, regardless of their ability to provide for and protect them. With black women, this often expresses itself as completely and utterly naive on how to interact with the opposite sex in the dating area that leads towards a positive end (marriage and kids). Black women are socialized to not expect marriage and a present father for their kids, like…at all. They are taught to expect nothing, and have absolutely no healthy boundaries, which oftentimes, leaves them open for exploitation and abuse. These “walking wounded” young black girls often become “the hoes” that hip hop misogynior loves to drag under the bus. She the girl who you laughed at because she let you and your boys run a train on her. First…STOP CALLING HER A WHORE. If she is a “whore,” you men who think nothing of leaving your children to be raised in motherly solitude create these “whores.” The very thing you despise, YOU CREATE, when you “bust a nut” and LEAVE. These “whores” are so hungry for love and attention and use sex as a means to achieve even just a fleeting ration. And don’t let that “whore” be dark and nappy headed. She’s of little more worth than a donkey or a mule.

Then there’s this, in reference to how Alima’s father has such an inflated sense of himself…

He thinks he is somehow “different” He then went on to tell me that he was not very happy with the first three episodes. He stated “The production made me appear to be like those regular guys out there who just have babies everywhere and don’t do anything for them.” I actually think that he forgot who he was speaking with because in my eyes he has always been just a “regular” guy having babies and not taking any true responsibility for them.

What in the natural phuck?! What world does this loser live in? Yes you ARE like those “regular guys have babies” and don’t do shit. Dude won’t even show up to school functions because he’s scared he’ll get collared by the police for back child support!!! UGGGGHHHHH!!!

So why do we talk about this stuff on an interracial dating site for black women? Because, ‘black community,’ this blog is the receptor and receiver of the “walking wounded” girls and women who are affected by your poor choices and selfishness. They ask ME for advice that they should have been taught and what other races of girls know from 11 years old and up! Fractured families leads to fractured social lives!!

But I have hope for the eldest. Here’s what she said about this jackass. Yes; he’s a jackass.

In response to his denial filled statement I calmly said, “let’s be honest, if you were solely responsible for my three meals a day since birth I would not be breathing right now.” Of course that struck a nerve in him, and per usual he went on about all of the things that he did for me and my siblings growing up. You see in his head he feels he has been “super dad” when in reality, all he has to hold on to are glorified moments of generosity.

 

He’s my video commentary:

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Iyanla Can NOT Fix This Man’s Life! I Just #Cant with These Silly Women Who Think They’re “Special!” http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/iyanla-can-fix-mans-life-just-cant-silly-women-think-theyre-special/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/iyanla-can-fix-mans-life-just-cant-silly-women-think-theyre-special/#comments Thu, 04 Sep 2014 02:55:47 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32944 I don’t have words to describe how DISGUSTED I was when I saw the upcoming preview of the new season of Iyanla’s “Fix My Life.” Iyanla will *attempt* to fix the life of a man who has fathered 34 children by 17 different women. I’m sorry, but no amount of psychological sorcery can fix this […]

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I don’t have words to describe how DISGUSTED I was when I saw the upcoming preview of the new season of Iyanla’s “Fix My Life.” Iyanla will *attempt* to fix the life of a man who has fathered 34 children by 17 different women.

I’m sorry, but no amount of psychological sorcery can fix this man, or the silly women dumb enough to think that *they* were going to be “the one” to change this walking, talking, failed abortion of a man. And unfortunately, there’s probably little help for these women who should have, had to have, DEFINITELY KNEW he had a stable of baby mamas and STILL agreed to have his children, MULTIPLE TIMES. There is NO fixing this. You know what else won’t, can’t be fixed?! The lives of those 34 children, that’s who! These people are so especially, spectacularly SELFISH that it makes me so mad I could spit big fat green loogies (preferably in this ‘Ray-Ray’s’ face)!!

What is it about THIS man that makes his penis so magical that mere condoms can’t hold him?

Can someone please, please PLEASE explain to me the mentality that enables this to happen in NO OTHER COMMUNITY but ours? (And don’t come up in here and talk about cult Mormons or Muslims with multiple wives, cuz they TAKE CARE of their kids and wives!!!)

Do ya’ll realize how DUMB and INFANTILE it makes black men look…if you can’t have command of your ‘joy stick’ how are you gonna command anything?! Go back to your mama’s basement and stuff those envelopes, Leroy!!

And these ladies aren’t off the hook, either. Talk about seeing a disaster and walking right on the train tracks, prostrate, BEGGING to be trampled. You are NOT special! Your vagina will not be the magical salve to change this short-bus-riding, sorry excuse for a man!!!

Oh and you know what else is crazy? I’m hearing certain “cult personalities” with multiple children peppered throughout the BC advising black men to not date women with kids. Hypocrites, much?

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Stay Away from Sociopathic Men Who Wish to Corrupt and Shackle You Via Single Motherhood! http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/stay-away-sociopathic-men-wish-corrupt-shackle-via-single-motherhood/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/stay-away-sociopathic-men-wish-corrupt-shackle-via-single-motherhood/#comments Thu, 21 Aug 2014 17:02:50 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32595 Caution: I advise women who are never married single mothers to refrain from reading this post. This is not about you and your situation. Many of you might be offended about what I’m going to say. Again, this post is for SINGLE, CHILDLESS WOMEN OF REPRODUCTIVE AGE. I produced a video about a year ago […]

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Caution: I advise women who are never married single mothers to refrain from reading this post. This is not about you and your situation. Many of you might be offended about what I’m going to say. Again, this post is for SINGLE, CHILDLESS WOMEN OF REPRODUCTIVE AGE.

No through traffic

I produced a video about a year ago addressing the concerns of a young, single mother who asked me if her having a child and never being married makes her “used goods.”

This video must be linked to some he-man-woman-hating websites, because it’s currently being overrun with men who clearly read those sites, because they all use the same type of self-important language and lingo.

“Your child is deserving of a quality mom; a mom who picked right the first time, who’s still in a relationship with the child’s quality dad. So, is a single mom damaged goods? Barring extenuating circumstances, of which there rarely is, yes, single moms are damaged goods, they have already damaged the lives of at least three people.”
“YES 100% many reasons why, one of them is that she didn’t choose the right man (says something bad about her selection ability and what she based it on – probably gina tingles like most) or that she walks when the going gets tough.  No self-respecting man would ever go that route.”

However, the comments from these men are not without merit. Having a child from a man in which you have never been married is a liability in the dating world, and there’s just no amount of hearts, flowers and glitter I can put on top of that pile of shit to make it smell better. Other sites catering to black women simply will withhold the truth, celebrate and perpetuate the dysfunction or be completely silent, but that won’t happen here. This is one of the only mainstream blogs of note that will actually give it to you straight–if you’re young, fit, ambitious, educated and childless you are a commodity. You are considered “high value” in the dating world, and you need to acknowledge and protect your position because believe me when I tell you that there will be men who might come along to destroy every beautiful thing you have going for you.

Mainstream black society remains defiantly silent on this issue, so much so that black women, regardless of class and education are falling victim to the “struggling baby mama” lifestyle. I know of at least one very successful professional for a black website who had a child with a man who didn’t marry her–the mother of his child– but went on to marry another childless black women who more suited his career goals and social standing.

That man left this high-value woman with the baggage of his seed, and has unapologetically moved on to live his wonderful life while she will be left to do all the heavy lifting. What is even worse, black social media is cheering on this woman’s “beautiful struggle.” In a community where quality men are a scarcity, they can demand a woman be childless while simultaneously contributing to the out-of-wedlock rate. Male privilege at it’s worst.

Understand this. There is nothing noble or honorable about taking up the torch of single parenthood. It is hard and often thankless work. It’s scary. You’ll often cry yourself to sleep. You’ll be stressed and lonely. Trust me, I know because I’ve been there. The fact is, people will make assumptions about your character, forethought, and long-term-thinking abilities, because folks will assume you’ve had 100% control over your situation. The judging probably won’t happen overtly; people will make their decisions by way of steering clear.

That’s why I’m so dedicated to preaching, teaching a nagging young black women to know their worth and value their wombs. In a patriarchy, a woman’s womb is of tangible value. There may be men who see your prime position and will seek to knock you down from that pedestal. They seek to corrupt the beautiful life you are creating for yourself and thwart the advances of more worthy, quality men. Make no mistake that these sociopaths know exactly what they are doing.

I also should note that the desire to knock your pegs down might also come from your peers who fell victim to the single-mother trap. They’ll want you miserable and struggling right along with them; they’ll love the company.

Childless women, please, please PLEASE guard your fertility. Investigate birth control options. Refuse to let DBR’s corrupt your beautiful life.

I love you. I want you to have every option in the world that you want for your life. Listen to me.

 

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You Tube Star, Chescaleigh Talks Making a Plan and the Timeline Project http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tube-star-chescaleigh-talks-making-plan-timeline-project/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tube-star-chescaleigh-talks-making-plan-timeline-project/#comments Fri, 08 Aug 2014 05:29:10 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32332 We talk a lot around here about making plans and making positive changes to have better lives. Once you make a plan, you need a roadmap. That’s why I was really intrigued when I saw Chescaleigh at The Timeline Project booth at a conference I recently attended. When I found out it was sponsored by […]

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We talk a lot around here about making plans and making positive changes to have better lives. Once you make a plan, you need a roadmap. That’s why I was really intrigued when I saw Chescaleigh at The Timeline Project booth at a conference I recently attended. When I found out it was sponsored by Bayer, I was a little skeptical that they were trying to sell something.

Turns out that it looks like the company is just trying to do some good, and I’m cool with that. Well actually, I take that back. Bayer Healthcare is a purveyor of women’s birth control options, so creating a program that allows women of reproductive age to map their future while keeping control over when and how they conceive is all wonderful as far as I’m concerned. I’m all No Wedding, No Womb anyway.  I think doing this is so important, I want everyone here who is single and of reproductive age to create your timeline. Do it now!!

Chesca timeline project from Christelyn Karazin on Vimeo.

The Timeline Project allows you to custom create you personal timeline based on your personal and professional goals. It’s pretty amaze balls.

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Once you upload your goals, it’s packaged in a really cool way, and even suggests helpful articles that can help you achieve your goals. And it really is a timeline…you match goals by your age and future plans. You can even browse goals from other participants.

Uhm…why are you still here? Go start a timeline!

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New Documentary Decrying 72% Out-of-Wedlock Rate…Love the Content But… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-documentary-decrying-72-wedlock-rate-love-content/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/new-documentary-decrying-72-wedlock-rate-love-content/#comments Mon, 04 Aug 2014 11:34:41 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32263 Moguldum Studios just released a documentary lending a hard look at the astronomical 72% out-of-wedlock rate in the black community. And I’m LOVING that media has become more vocal on the crisis, because it is a crisis. Because this is of particular importance to me and my work, I’ll be buying this video. However, I’ll […]

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Moguldum Studios just released a documentary lending a hard look at the astronomical 72% out-of-wedlock rate in the black community. And I’m LOVING that media has become more vocal on the crisis, because it is a crisis.

Because this is of particular importance to me and my work, I’ll be buying this video. However, I’ll be honest. I hate the title. WTF…”Baby Mama Crisis?” The title alone singles out…who? If you guess black women, then you win the internet.

I’m really getting sick of black women being treated like they are getting pregnant like amebas, with no male sperm necessary. For God’s sake, nothing will ever change if you put ALL the responsibility on black women to police the reckless behaviors of the other 50% of the problem.

There are two sides to this, and a title like that is just ridiculously counterproductive. But hey; people took issue when I created No Wedding No Womb. Hate the names all you want, still doesn’t discount the message. It would be foolish to reject this movie because I don’t like the title. Doing so would pretty much make me a hypocrite.

That’s not to say black women are off the hook. Not even close. If you haven’t yet had a chance to visit BW Think Tank on Facebook, you’re missing out. The publisher makes it plain.

The 40 Reasons Black Women have the ‘A Bum and a Baby’© Experience”
by Breukelen Bleu

___________________________

Q&A from inside The Black Woman Think Tank;

“Why do black women want to have children on their own and with the type of men SOME of them have chosen? Every time I asked this question (on other forums) I get shot down, told I don’t understand, I’m a black man hater, I’m a black woman hater and the last but not least the infamous “Crickets”.

…………….

Breukelen Bleu’s answer:

1. We think WE are enough, so if the “baby daddy’ don’t act right, it’ll be ok cuz we “love’ our babies and we the ‘backbone’ of the community anyway. Its the “Thanks For My Child” syndrome.

2. We want the man. Period. We want the man, and so we have a child hoping that this will make him want us.

3. If the man DOESN’T want us, we STILL have a “piece’ of him. And we still have a form of POWER over him. We want to control HIS options, so we think that if he doesn’t want us, at least he will still be forced to DEAL with us, cuz we have his child.

4. Having children makes us feel important. Its that “meaning making’ thing thats talked about in the book, “Promises I Cant Keep’. We don’t believe we can achieve anything else, so having a child – or 3, makes us feel like our lives have meaning. It provides a sense of ORDER, in what might otherwise be a very unstable and chaotic existence. It forces us go grow up and compels us to think long term – something we cant see to do without the responsibility of a child. And if dude doesn’t turn out to be what we hope, then #1 always suffices.

5. Everyone else is doing it. Our mothers, sisters, aunties and friends, all have children by dudes, regardless of whether he is fit, so we do too. The women who are closest to us affect us most, and so peer pressure and influence creates normalcy out of it.

6. Low expectations. We are so used to black men being BUMS, and we believe that we don’t deserve any better, so we don’t look for better. We also have low expectations for ourselves, so we don’t aspire to more. See #4.

7. We spend our childhood raising our siblings, so we don’t think anything of having our own children. It feels natural and normal for us to be Mothers, because we were called upon to play that role, very early in life.

8. We feel unattractive and unworthy. Many of us are overweight, dark skinned and nappy haired. We don’t think we are WORTHY of a ‘good man’, so we will settle for the love of a Bum and a Baby©, instead.

9. We believe in ‘black love’ and ‘black family’. We derive a sense of purpose from the idea that WE are helping do something ‘important’ for Black People. This belief is HIGHLY prevalent amongst the RGB, Hotep crew. And we think that requiring the man be the ‘right’ type (educated, careered, professional/vocational, financially stable, emotionally sound, family oriented) is TREACHEROUS to black men, who have been ‘systematically oppressed and marginalized’. To require more, is to be in collusion with White Supremacy.

10. We think we are Yoni Goddesses. Somebody done told us that our wombs produce magical fruit, and we think we are standing in our “Womanly Power’ by having children – even if the fathers are BUMS. We think we helping usher Matriarchy back in.

11. We don’t use birth control. We don’t want that much responsibility. Use of birth control infers a desire to delay motherhood, until you have accomplished some other things. When you don’t have ‘other things’ to accomplish, you don’t use protection. See #4…again.

12. We want Welfare, Wic and social services.

13. We are trying to redeem the man. We KNOW hes a fool, but we think we can somehow ‘birth’ a BETTER version of him into the world. And we want to prove that OUR wombs, are just as powerful as the wombs of other races of women. We think WE are going to birth the SAVIOR of the black race. (Ie: a commenter who came to the Fan Page several weeks ago, talking bout she raising the next Malcolm X, while sleeping on a dirty mattress on the floor).

14. We want love. We want the families we never had, and we think having children, no matter the man, will offer us the opportunity to create what was not given to us.

15. We use children as an ‘anchor’ in our lives. We think they give us “purpose”, and we use them as ‘motivation’ to aspire for more. We, ourselves are not enough reason to reach for good shit. Children make all the struggling to progress, seem worth it. THis is the mess *I* told myself, when *I* decided to have a child.

16. We hate ourselves. And we want the opportunity to birth a ‘prettier’ version of us. So we find the boy/man who has the type so genes we think will create ‘beauty’ and we have a child by him, no matter if he wants us or not. We want light skinned, good haired children. And we want to be able to prove we were at least ‘worthy’ enough to get a man like that to have sex with us.

17. We hope the man will change. We think that the same motivations WE are using (See #4 & #15) will apply to the dude, too, and that will make HIM grow up and want to be ‘a family’ with us.

18. We hot between the thighs. And we want the men that express the most virility, power and sexuality. It doesnt matter if hes a good person, partner or father material. We simply want to fuck him. And since #11 is in play, a child is the natural result.

19. We competing with some other chic. Dude has a main chic, wife or wifey, and we want what she has. So we have a child by him hoping to FORCE him to leave her, or at the very least, force him to split his time and resources with us.

20. We want what the white woman has. We want men who make us feel protected and we want men who express the “alpha’ traits needed for leadership and ambition. The white man has built an entire WORLD for his woman, and we want men who seem to possess the same traits that it took to elevate HER. The “Thug Loving’ BW do is much more then only wanting a thug. Its about wanting that alpha male, who seems to display the characteristics needed to run the world – or the community. EVEN if said man only knows how to express these traits in a dysfunctional and negative fashion.

21. We want to have children, and we want to do so within wedlock. So even if we KNOW dude ain’t quite right, we will marry him and have children, just so we can SIMULATE what we see other races of women do. Many times we KNOW the marriage isn’t going to work, but we do it anyway, because we want ‘legitimate’ children.

22. We have an ‘IDEAL BLACK MAN’ in our head, and we come across some dude who seems to represent that, even if has many issues that gives us pause. If he is college educated, belongs to the right fraternity, comes from a semi-‘decent’ family, and looks good on paper, we will try to scoop him, EVEN THO he may not be the best partner/father material.

23. We have a natural desire to procreate. We are human, after all.

24. We dont want to mate/marry out. We don’t want the stigma of choosing a non-black male, and we don’t want to face the possible rejection of a non-black males family and friends. We want to PROVE that it is still possible to get what we want, within the BC. So we may pass on a quality non-bm and end up becoming a ‘baby mama’ to some black dudes child instead.

25. We believe that we are morally obligated to proceed with every pregnancy that occurs – especially that first one, or the second one if the first was terminated. We dont want to be the chic who has multiple abortions so if we use our ‘get out of Motherhood free card” during one pregnancy, we don’t feel right about doing it again. And our religious/cultural beliefs, make us think that we have no RIGHT to determine whether a child is born or not. And since #11 is usually in effect, pregnancy is a forgone conclusion.

26. We truly believe the man is going to marry us.

27. The dude ASK us to ‘have a baby’ with him. We love him and feel honored to be ‘chosen’ by a man, believing that if he as REQUESTING that we be the Mother of his children, then he MUST be willing to do all that will be required to be a father AND PARTNER to us.

28. We are raped or sexually violated and are too afraid to tell someone. We get pregnant and have the child, feeling obligated to so (see #25), while also being afraid to expose ourselves to the humiliation of admitting to having been abused.

29. Our judgment is incapacitated by drugs, alcohol or mental illness.

30. We are DREAM STEALERS. We don’t want the dude to have aspirations outside of that which will keep him close to us. So we rush to have a child by him, hoping to limit his options and reduce his ability to make life choices that might take in a direction away from us – or allow him to meet a “better’ woman whom he will HAPPILY have children with.

31. We are ‘testing’ the dudes love. We don’t believe any man can/will love us, so we have a child to see if he will stick around and honor us by fathering the child we ‘give’ to him.

32. We have multiple children, hoping this NEXT dude will be ‘the one’, and will FINALLY allow us to live out #’s 2, 9, 13, 14, 17, 20, 21, 22. We have HOPE that 2’s – 3’s, 4s’ a charm.

33. We’re on autopilot. We just let life ‘happen’ to us, with absolutely NO planning and NO for thought. Children are the natural results of sex, and since #11 is in effect, along with #4, we let “Life’ Happen”, and the children come. This is different the planning of children to let life have some meaning. This is simply letting WHATEVER happens, happen. Children are only one of the possibilities.

34. We believe its ‘natural’ to have children NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. We adhere to the notion that nature designed us to have babies, and so having babies is what we should do. We think that ‘God will provide’ or ‘it’ll all work out in the end’.

35. We have a Life Script. We have an “idea’ of what our lives should look like, and that includes children, at a certain time, in a certain number. This the ‘I want to have my first child by 25″, the “I want to have all my kids before the age of 30 so I get it over with”, the “I want 2 boys and a girl” or the “I have 3 boys and I wanna try for the girl cuz I want ot know whats it like to raise a daughter”. We proceed with trying to fulfill our Life Script, no matter if our lives can actually accommodate that desire or not. We dont want to concede that perhaps life just simply isn’t going to turn out the way WE had desired. So we proceed with our blueprint, whether we are actually ready for it, or whether the situation/man is the right one.

36. We want to validate our Victimhood, and are drawn to The Seduction of Inadequacy. We want to show the world, that black men ARE the no-good-doers we believe they are, and that WE are the SBW (Strong Black Women) that we are known for. Its the Archetype that allows to both admonish the Black Males image, while elevating our Image, At. The. Same. Damned. Time. This is a HIDDEN motivation, that most of us are not consciously aware of.

37. We will SETTLE for a childs love, when what we REALLY want is a Mans/ Mothers/Fathers love. The child becomes The Consolation Prize for us failing to have the fortunate luck of receiving our edification and validation from some other source.

38. Having a child gives a legitimate excuse to fail in other areas of Life. We can always say we did not complete/finish/accomplish/attain/accumulate/succeed in some area of Life, because “I got pregnant”. Its a very convenient form of Scapegoating. We are either afraid of success or a afraid of failure. So we ‘get’ pregnant, to have a reason to not try. This happens alot with the girls who leave off for college, and come home sophomore year, pregnant. Black Women are GOOD for that one.

39. We Dumb. Plain and simple. We dont think. We dont plan. We don’t strategize. We have low intellectual capacity from generations of undereducation and breeding with tainted DNA, and we are simply too STUPID to know better. We are intellectually inferior and our cognitive abilities do not lend to logic and reasoning that allow us to make good calls. After generation after generation of struggle, we STILL insist upon believing that WE are enough to raise a community of strong people. We lie to ourselves and say its gone be alright. We are not smart enough to accept what we see taking place for the garbage it is, and so we comfort ourselves with cliches and beliefs, that sooth us in our stupidity.

We’re Idiots. Plain and simple.

I know I was one.

40. Nothing in black women’s upbringing promotes self accountability. We are not rewarded for being responsible. We are rewarded for playing The Victim. Even the church and the democratic party plantation rewards us for poor choices be it forgiveness or programs that enable poor choices.

………………….

And those were just the ones that came off the top of my head.

– Breukelen Bleu © 2014.

In closing…

NWNW t-shirts Haley and Kayla

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#NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess. http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/nwnw-dont-look-new-man-clean-mess/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/nwnw-dont-look-new-man-clean-mess/#comments Tue, 29 Jul 2014 04:28:15 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=32043 It’s very rare that I get questions that stir my emotions, frustrate me, and make me deeply sad. I just received such a letter from a very young woman, and while I’m not sure if this entry will make a difference in her situation, I hope that perhaps others will take this as a cautionary […]

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It’s very rare that I get questions that stir my emotions, frustrate me, and make me deeply sad. I just received such a letter from a very young woman, and while I’m not sure if this entry will make a difference in her situation, I hope that perhaps others will take this as a cautionary tale. Here goes… pregnancy, black women, report, happiness, couples, families, blended family, biracial children, interracial dating, black women are dissatisfied with pregnancy, black babies, black mothers, society, domestic violence, abuse, economics, SAHM, stay at home mothers, support system, discrimination, employment discrimination, sexuality, forced pregnancy, guilt, abortion, married black women, dead beat fathers, working poor, economics, class, race, mules, femininity,

Hi Christelyn,

I really love watching your vlogs, and having watched your latest one “Black women, multiple children, and interracial dating” it really struck a chord with me as I am going through a very similar situation.

I am 21 years old, and currently pregnant expecting twins. The situation at which I came to be pregnant was from a mistaken one-night stand. At that same-time, I was dating a white guy who I deeply was falling for. He was 10+ older than myself, and showed me the way a real man is supposed to treat a woman. Although we dated for a short while, that time I seriously fell for him, and we made so many plans for our future together prior to him even asking me out.

Sadly, this one night stand and me falling pregnant meant I had to let him know and suggest we stay just friends as I needed time to adjust to the major change in my life, and we have stayed friends since then, he still talks to me occasionally, and I feel like I’m in love with him. He was to be the first white guy I ever dated, our relationship felt special because we had so much in common, and so many things not so. I don’t know whether it’s best if I try and let him go completely by not talking to him or see if he want’s to start over, knowing I will now have 2 kids. I don’t want him to take responsibility for my babies but I don’t think I will ever find someone like him, I don’t want to lose him and I want our relationship back.

I am so ready to focus on my babies, but having him around and feeling that love from a man will make my life so complete.

Should I tell him how I feel or just let him go? because I don’t think this friendship can work without me feeling hurt about the whole situation.

Thank you sooo much for your help.

Tried to keep this as short as possible.

Anon xxx   Writer, first I have to say that I’m sad that as a U.K. resident, you didn’t take advantage of all the free birth control available to you. Although I understand somewhat. Black people (at least in the U.S.) often frown upon women who proactively use birth control, believe it or not. It’s somehow more “acceptable” to “accidentally” get pregnant while trying to be “pure.” Remember Will.i.am said that he’d get up and leave a girl’s house if she had condoms because he thinks that’s tacky? With this backwards and truly deadly logic, it’s somehow whorish to be prepared. Secondly, I’m probably as relieved as you are that you night of unprotected sex didn’t result in you contracting a chronic or incurable disease, like HIV.  But I weep for you, writer. You are 21 and pregnant not with a singleton, but with twins. That means twice as many resources–emotional and financial–that will go towards raising your children without a father, because you already told me that he is uninterested in raising and co-parenting these kids. I’m also sorry that this is going to be a second generation in your family of children who have grown up without a father, since you also told me that your mother raised five children by herself.

But I ask you, at what cost to her children?

I look at you, involved with two men and so hungry for male affection of older (perhaps father-like figures) that you’re willing to risk your very life and future to lay down with someone you just met. And now that guy who you kinda, sorta liked, who is now a “friend” has suddenly become a beacon in the fog for you, to sweep you up and make all this okay. And I’m sorry hon, that’s not his job. You have to prepare for the very real possibility that this man will say that being involved with a woman pregnant with twins from a one night stand is just too messy for him. Men with options will use them.

I’m going to be honest, reader. There are over 25 forms of birth control and you didn’t use not a one. But there were other options that were unpalatable to you, such as adoption. Your response to the suggestion…

Adoption isn’t even an option for me. I have too much family members that are excited about my pregnancy. My mum is going to be a grandma for the first time and I could not go through the idea of letting them go, I love my babies too much.
I do believe I can provide my children with a decent life and things will get better the older they get. My mum raised 5 kids as a single parent, I’m sure I can do the same. Living in the UK there is so much support for single mothers, that adoption is see more for mothers that are incapable of even looking after themselves let alone a baby.
I do not at all want this guy that I’m falling for to play any role as a father, I imagined having a relationship with him that was separate to my family life. Whether this is possible or not I wanted to try. I feel I deserve to be in love regardless of the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
That is where my dilemma is because I do not know whether he will feel comfortable having a relationship with me knowing I have the responsibility of 2 children. That’s why I’m worried about expressing my true feelings to him as he may just want to stay friends which I do not think I can handle.
     So your mom is excited, and you probably think you’ll have these babies to love and will love you unconditionally, and that’s true. But you also need to understand that raising children without a partner is scary, lonely, and exhausting. I know, because I was a single mother at 25. And even with the father in the picture, it was still extremely stressful.
     I’m also disappointed that your mother is so “excited” to see her daughter go through the same struggle of single parenthood that she did. As a mom of three daughters, I would NEVER be excited for this, no matter how much I love babies.
     And make no mistake. Family and friends may promise to chip in with babysitting and supplies, but understand that your neediness will eventually become burdensome to some of them. An adult prepared to raise a family doesn’t look to others to do the job that should have been there’s alone to manage.
     I know what I’m saying is harsh, and is probably not what you want to hear. But lying to you would be cruel. While I believe that you don’t forfeit your right to have love just because you are a single mother, that should not be your focus right now. Do you understand that you are about to bring two human beings into the world? THAT must be your focus, not whether or not you can have a boyfriend. That fact that you are focused on that aspect instead of trying to figure out what’s best for your babies speaks volumes to me in terms of where your mind is. It’s immature. Young. Not your fault. You’re 21. I was the same way. That’s why I say you aren’t ready to raise these babies. But if you’re determined to keep them, you must understand that your free-wheeling 20’s are over. Your childless friends will go out to clubs and bars, travel abroad, do the crazy stuff people in their 20’s do, and you, as a mother, must forfeit that experience if you are to be any type of good mother. You can’t not bear two human beings from your body that you are charged to care for for at least 18 years and think nothing in your life will alter. If you do, you are naive.
     What you need to do NOW is devise an ACTION PLAN on how you are going to make raising two babies alone work. Read books on raising and caring for children. Look for childcare programs so that you might be some sort of instruction so you won’t be dependent on social services for the rest of your life.
     In closing, please know that I truly wish you the best. None of us were perfect angels in our twenties. Lord knows I made some bone headed mistakes. But nothing can ever change the fact that actions have consequences that could last a lifetime.
*NOTE* The writer of this letter will be reading this blog. I won’t tolerate cruelty in any form. This girl is pregnant with twins and I’ll not have strangers upsetting her. Be on your best behavior.

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