Beyond Black & White » The New, NEW Black Woman http://www.beyondblackwhite.com Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships Tue, 30 Jun 2015 15:34:41 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2.2 Dear Black Men, Did I Hurt Your Feelings? You Don’t KNOW Hurt Feelings… http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/dear-black-men-hurt-feelings-dont-know-hurt-feelings/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/dear-black-men-hurt-feelings-dont-know-hurt-feelings/#comments Tue, 24 Feb 2015 16:06:58 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=36247 Warning: This is a LENGTHY read, so you may want to go get a snack or something to eat while you read this.  I was in the middle of writing follow-up post number two in response to the record-breaking article written by Chris. That post has been pushed back to address a certain group of […]

The post Dear Black Men, Did I Hurt Your Feelings? You Don’t KNOW Hurt Feelings… appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

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Warning: This is a LENGTHY read, so you may want to go get a snack or something to eat while you read this. 

I was in the middle of writing follow-up post number two in response to the record-breaking article written by Chris.

That post has been pushed back to address a certain group of determined vocal black men who either do not understand why black women are so upset with their behavior, or who understand and don’t care…but think they can thump on their chest or condescend us with thesaurus abuse. Both avenues meant to achieve the same goals:

– Hijack our discussions

– Abuse and shout us into silence

– Mentally and emotionally manipulate us

– Escape any kind of responsibility or accountability

– Maintain a status quo that benefits them, but continues to hurt black women.

 

Obviously none of this is okay and I am not going to stand for it in my own right. I know a number of the women here who run and participate in the discussions have no intention of standing for it, either.

 

And so I want to make a few things clear to the “startled” black men who happen upon this community and to the pressed, thirsty, desperate male trolls who are so hell bent on sabotaging us that they continue to think of ways to gain entrance into this space to poison the well.

I want to make where this anger, lack of tolerance, and blunt honesty is coming from. I want you to read every word, digest every sentence, and then go sit in the corner and think about your lives and choices.

 

Number 1: We Don’t Care….

That is a very general statement.

I’m sure some of you are wondering what we “don’t” care about exactly.

Well, the list is LONG, but it’s safe to say that these things that many of you are DETERMINED to bring up fall under something that we have emotionally and mentally (and even financially) divorced ourselves from.

We Don’t Care If BM Prefer Non-Black Women Or The Lightest Black Women Available

Since the black women here have NO interest in dating or marrying black men for the most part, what kind of person would draw the conclusion that ANY and EVERY time we talk about the negative impact of black male dysfunction on black womanhood, it’s because what we really want is a black man?

Re-read that sentence. Please understand how and why that makes no sense.

That’s like complaining about a hole in the head and then someone coming up and offering to drill a few more in your skull.

 

Not the point.

When is BM/non-BW ever relevant to our interests? The answer is close to “damn near never”, but there are a couple of scenarios where BM foolishness and thirst causes harm to black women.

When black men are so desperate for whiteness and white approval, they try and convince themselves, the world, and EVEN their black women (most of whom are darker-skinned themselves), that black people are primarily made of dark-skinned men and light-skinned women.

Women like Amber Rose and Kim K. are made “honorary back women” and worshiped for doing things that make black women unforgivable whores and strumpets. NOW MY ARGUMENT ISN’T ABOUT WANTING BLACK WOMEN TO BE THESE THINGS.

But so many black women are caught up in the matrix of the Madonna/Whore complex that they are incapable of developing enough of a self-esteem to choose quality men. They are relegated to the role of sex object and baby mama and “you’re too dark to claim and be seen in the light of day with.”

 

Kim Kardashian is the Hollywood bicycle and you’ve got men like Kanye West and other color-struck black males putting her on a pedestal.

I’m not even going to get into the fact that many black girls are raped and molested by older black men, and rather than black men hold these criminals accountable for impregnating 12, 13, and 14 year old girls (not to mention the much younger black girls who are molested by male family members and their mothers boyfriends…), these children are now considered damaged goods that ANY black man can get at.

All these girl children hear is that they are FAST and that they are only good for sex. They feel that sex is the only way they can be loved. And you have an entire culture built up on the “pimps up, hoes down” logic.

Now, with this as the backdrop our lower economic and struggling black women, many of whom have multiple children and no father figure or father for their kids in sight….you have black men going out of their way to excuse, defend, and admire lighter women, especially WHITE women for acting out the same behavior that gets black women verbally abused and put down. The same behavior where black men tell each other it’s okay to use and disregard a woman and have nothing to do with their own offspring.

 

When black men worship lighter/white skin and whiteness to such a degree where they gladly degrade, use and abandon their own women and girl children, refuse to protect them, and then shun the idea of being held accountable you best believe NO sensible black woman who loves herself and resents this indignity is tripping over herself to claim or get with these black men.


NOPE. We are not interested. And the BM behavior that goes unchecked in the black community and beyond is not going to change our minds.

 

We Don’t Care If Our Drawing Attention To The Fact That You Are NOT God’s Gift To Womankind Makes You Mad!

 

We already know after running this community for YEARS that many  black men show up here for one of a couple of reasons:

Some are “confused” because they thought there would be white women everywhere. Oops.

Others are directed here by people talking about the AUDACITY of us black women and our “bold” opinions.

 

Underneath the indignity, bragging about having a white wife/gf, and “smooth” concern trolling is something many of you don’t think we see.

FEAR

The “Mandigo” myth of black male animal sexual whatever came from the same white racists that brought the world “black people are inferior, ignorant, subversive criminal types and children of the devil”.

But black men kept the Mandingo myth close to the collar because no man walking the Earth is opposed to being made the feel like a total stud with the ladies!

and that black women would ALWAYS be there to cheer-lead the Mandingo Myth. You’ve got non-BW cheer-leading it, too…but most of the Mandingo myth’s influence hinges on black women.

And so when we wake up one day and a good chunk of black women are happily coupled with non-black men, people who buy wholesale into the myth of black male sexual superiority begin to ask questions.

You can’t go around telling the world that you are God’s gift to women and “all white men have small peens” and then not end up with egg on your face when BLACK WOMEN date/marry white men.

Hispanic/Italian men are “forgivable” to black men because black men can “claim” these men by proxy.

 

But much of the concern trolling of white men and black women comes from the need to claim sexual superiority. This is why black women who are with white men are attacked as gold diggers and “white slave master bed wenches”.

 

These black men want everyone to believe that a black woman wouldn’t choose a white man unless she HAD to. Her credit must be bad and she’s a desperate money loving whore or she’s a self-hating black woman who is soooo emotionally damaged, she wants to live out some “slave fantasy”.

The idea that a black woman could be sexually fulfilled by a white guy is terrifying. MORE terrifying than our emotional and financial fulfillment because honestly, these men do not care about those things. These men are used to being supported and cared for by WOMEN. And so the idea that they would be responsible for the lion share of protecting, providing for, and valuing their black women is foreign.

 

They are afraid black women will make them lose face, and they would rather avoid losing face than losing black women. I honestly believe that’s slightly MORE scary than the loss of financial support.

 

Number 2: We Aren’t Saying This Because We Hate Anyone

I think that what we are seeing from the indignant black men who cannot fathom a black woman airing all of this dirty laundry are men who bought their own hype.

Anyone who exposes or acknowledges the painful intra-racial hatred acted out against black women, ESPECIALLY dark-skinned black women, must be a “hater”.

 

“You hate black men because you’re hurt!”

“You hate black men because you’re jealous of them/white women!”

“You hate yourself, and that’s why you’re with white men!”

 

These are all nowhere near close to why I personally feel perfectly content calling attention to rampant dysfunction, intra-racial misogyny, and black male hypocrisy and lack of reciprocation.

 

We Are Beyond The Point Of Pretending That Helping Black Men Save Face Helps Black Womanhood

Black male-specific dysfunction is being discussed at an increasing rate in large part due to the increase of black woman-centric havens that are well moderated. These women tell their stories, share their opinions, and decry black men’s mistreatment of black women.

They are not shouted down, threatened, or guilt-tripped with the rate of success that was not possible in previous years.

 

I can HONESTLY say that even in DBR and NBAB havens on the internet, an increasing amount of BW are being vocal about how tired they are of black men’s damaged thinking and behavior towards them.

When Madam Noire has a comment section full of black women calling out an alleged “ideal black man”, that’s when you KNOW that the tide has turned.

Not is turning.

HAS TURNED.

That comment section would have looked much different a few short years ago. The reason for this shift in attitudes among black women is because not only are they tired of the BS, they are beginning to realize they don’t have to take it.

 

An increasing number of black women are realizing that no matter what they do or say, black men will never reciprocate and will only continue to hate black womanhood and take it for granted. When black men feel safe denigrating black womanhood before the world, that’s when you know they are lost as a group.

We cannot find them…they have to go find themselves.

It is no longer sane or beneficial for black women to prop up a group of men more concerned about their egos and one-upping white men than taking care of house and home and protecting and loving their women.

Uplifting Black Womanhood Does NOT Mean Putting Down White Womanhood or Black Manhood

 

It’s amazing to me how when black women stand up for themselves, other groups of people become threatened.

We are not hating on black men or white women. Either separately or together. I already let it be known what I feel about white women who try to hijack our conversations. So I will not repeat myself.

 

In the case of black men need to take the “black woman experience” out of their mouths once and for all.

Please stop telling us about how our women ancestors were raped and beaten during slavery.

 

First, not all black women were slaves. Second, it was a BLACK WOMAN that is heavily associated with the freeing of slaves.

We have our own heroines, our own narratives, and our own stories, no matter WHERE our black female ancestors came from. All of which we are MORE than capable of sharing with the world ourselves.

 

And not ONE of you has the right to “educate us” about a history you could never imagine as a black MAN who has never experienced life as a black WOMAN.

 

It is the black WOMAN that kept it under wraps that your black male ancestors were raping black women slaves just as often and actually more so than the “white slave master”. Or are we supposed to be so stupid, we are to believe that the ongoing rape and violence against black women just happened overnight, and hasn’t been acted out against us by warped black men for centuries?

Black men don’t even want to talk about the rape, murder, and abuse that black women experience NOW, so the only way they can find a white male boogieman to scare and guilt black women into silence is to reach back to the 1800s.

 

Of course…these require all black women to be so brain-washed and stupid that we ignore the fact that not all white people owned slaves, or approved of slavery. Many white Americans are descendants of people who came to this country AFTER slavery. Their benefiting white racist infrastructure of America is something that I’m not going to deny…just like I’m not going to pretend that black men feel entitled to treat black women like property because of male privilege.

 

You see? It’s ALL bad and it’s ALL hurting black women.

 

But black women have done (and continue to do) black men a solid favor by prioritizing the “The Man” over the lengthy history of abuse and subjugation we’ve suffered at the hands of black men. Black men were able to successfully paint white men as the greater of “two evils”. The problem is that black women can no longer afford to pretend that one group is hurting them more than the other.

 

And now you have black women telling our stories. And no, those stories do not flatter black men.

 

But that’s NOT our problem.

 

The black woman was not put on this Earth to serve or flatter anyone.

A man, a REAL man, does not chase after women seeking their flattery for the sake of their ego. A real man would be ASHAMED to be associated with this intra-racial horror show.

 

The solution will not be found in trying to “plug the dam” by trolling black women in a desperate attempt to silence us. You may have some black women who come flying to the rescue to “cape”. But even these women cannot un-ring the bell.

Black women today are working to repair our image and uplift our spirits. We are letting go of all the pain, anger, fear, and shame. With that comes unburdening ourselves of all the wrongs that have been done to us as a race and gender.

There is no going back.

 

The only possible remedy for black men is to take a LONG HARD LOOK at everything they’ve done to black women. Everything they continue to do.

And then hold each other accountable. Hold their fathers accountable. Hold their sons, brothers and yes THEMSELVES accountable.

We do not want to hear about how you loooooove your black queens and we need to stick together, hold on, have patience-

 

You are not listening; this isn’t about you or your feelings.

 

Black womanhood is being raised by black women because we cannot rely on black men to do so without sabotaging us out of a bizarre need to compete WITH their women rather than FOR them.

Black womanhood is being raised because we love ourselves, and regardless of which other parties don’t, we know that we deserve far better than what we’ve gotten.

 

We are not raising ourselves in order put anyone else down; only twisted people think they have to stand on other people.

 

Number 3: We Will Not Be “Sweet Talked”

Some black men have enough sense to know that outright disrespect will get them the boot, so they attempt to emotionally-manipulate black women by condescending them in a so-called polite manner.

This sweet talk is meant to keep black women in their place and divert our attention without these men doing ANYTHING to either own their role in the rampant attack on black womanhood or consider doing anything to stop it.

As this is a BW-IRR-centric space, some of these black men key in on this with the backward assumption that we’re all looking for non-BM because what we REALLY want is an “ideal black man”: the well-paid, well-dressed, educated black man with his own home and car.

Notice nothing in that “ideal” says anything about the mental state and emotional intelligence of that particular man. For all the talk of gold-digging, it’s amazing how much black women are expected to put all of their vetting into penis size and materialism.

But I digress.

 

Please Do Not Place  Your “I Want A Good Black Woman” Ads In Our Comments Section

If you want a good black woman, there are a PLETHORA of BM/BW dating sites out there. There are a number of educated and loving black women seeking a black man.

So why the heck would we accept ads for black men seeking black women in a space dedicated to black women who are by and large looking to date/marry non-black men?

WE ALL KNOW THAT BLACK WOMEN WHO DO THIS IN SPACES WHERE BLACK MEN ARE VOCALLY SEEKING NON-BLACK WOMEN WOULD BE IGNORED AT BEST AND RIDICULED AT WORST.

Do not come at us with sob stories about how you “just can’t seem to find your black queen”. Do not insult the women here and then launch into a tirade about the good woman you feel entitled to (while saying NOTHING of what you’ve done to deserve said good woman).

Do not post your “profile” and pictures and try and hit on the women here.

We know that some black men honestly believe that black women become “good” when they are acknowledged by white men. Just like they think being with a white woman raises their status.

You do not need a black woman; you need a psychiatrist who can listen to you and not develop a drinking problem.

 

We are not a black love site and to the black women here seeking these black men, you too are in the WRONG place.

 

Please Do Not Come In Here Dangling A “Marriage Carrot”

To continue from the above, I know some of you are used to dealing with “desperate” black women, who will do/say anything to get a black man to marry them.

So they come in here talking about wanting to “settle down” and be married to the “right black woman”.

We all know that black men DO NOT marry at the same rate as other men. Black women seeking to be married would logically have to look beyond black men to make it happen. Then there’s the population issue in the United States when it comes to BW outnumbering BM.

 

There are numerous factors that justify black women expanding their romantic options, as black men are more inclined to play the field and enjoy the extra women than settle down with any particular woman.

Black women here are not interested in competing for, jumping through hoops for, nor otherwise inclined to keep jumping up to grasp that marriage carrot.

We all know that black men more often use talk of marriage as a tactic in 2015 than to seriously consider settling down with a BLACK (darker, kinky haired) woman.

You tell on yourselves every time you congratulate yourselves and each other for settling down with a light-skinned and increasingly white woman.

 

If you continue to make it known far and wide that you’re looking to wife anyone but a black woman, and that black women have to be flawless virgins before you even consider marriage (which doesn’t bring with it the promise of respect, protection, or being equally yoked), and that dark-skinned black women need not apply….your marriage carrot is a joke.

It is even more of a joke when dangled in front of black women who NEVER wanted it in the first place.

 

Number 4: We Are Black AND Women

 

I’ve pretty much covered everything, but this final section is meant to drive home a point that some will probably miss in the rush to get to the comment section to yell at me.

We are black women. Black AND Women. Both at once. One does not outweigh the other. One does not cancel out the other. And nobody gets to tell us which is more important than the other.

Marrying inter-racially does not make a woman no longer black. I’ve already said that black men DO NOT own blackness and they need to take the “black woman experience” out of their mouths.

We are allowed to tell our stories and not be shouted down by people who are preoccupied with black manhood, or thinking that black manhood is more important than black womanhood. This includes black-male identified black women.

Just because we are about interracial dating does NOT mean we are forbidden from talking about black women’s experiences, the trauma caused by the black community and black men. These are OUR stories. We can tell them and if you don’t want to hear them……

 

YOU ARE FREE TO TURN RIGHT AROUND AND GO OUT THE DOOR YOU CAME!

 

You will not stop these articles from being posted. You will not stop black women from talking about how black men have sold us out and desecrated black womanhood. You will not stop us from talking about the black male predators that have raped, beaten, and murdered black women.

Every ugly thing you don’t want non-black people to know about black men is going to stay coming out because you cannot shut up women who have the mic and ARE NOT going to put it down until it all comes out.

AND THERE IS A LOT STILL TO COME OUT.

 

But that’s okay, because that’s just a part of the healing process.

There is nothing wrong with being angry, being hurt, and acknowledging these things. The end goal is to talk about it, and THEN, move on from it.

 

BLACK WOMEN are coming into our own, and are realizing how amazing we truly are. We are building ourselves up and each other.

We have more important things to do, as we purge ourselves of DECADES worth of poison, to pause or self-edit in order to concern ourselves with the hurt feeling of some black men.

 

YOU DON’T KNOW HURT FEELINGS, BLACK MEN. YOU DON’T KNOW PAIN, FEAR, OR DEATH.

BECAUSE BLACK WOMEN HAVE FELT AND ALL OF THESE THINGS, WHILE CARRYING YOU ON THEIR BACKS, AND THEY STILL WALKED THE LENGTH OF THE PLANET!

 

YOU WANT US TO STOP AND CRY FOR YOU WHEN YOU FEEL PAIN, BUT YOU SWEEP OUR SUFFERING UNDER THE RUG AS TO NOT DISTRACT THE WORLD FROM YOUR VICTIM-HOOD.

YOU WANT US TO “WAIT” FOR YOU TO GET AROUND TO LOVING, VALUING, AND PROTECTING THE WOMEN WITHOUT WHOM…YOU WOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE!

 

We are not interested in competing with black men. We are not interested in stopping black men from dating inter-racially. We are not interesting in being coupled with black men.

 

We don’t want anything except for black men to STOP degrading and deriding black womanhood. STOP with your toxic treatment of black women and girls. STOP declaring your hatred from us and then demanding our resources.

STOP.

STOP.

STOP!

 

We are not here for your hurt feelings and your ego and your hateful treatment of black womanhood.

And we never WILL be!

The post Dear Black Men, Did I Hurt Your Feelings? You Don’t KNOW Hurt Feelings… appeared first on Beyond Black & White.

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Young, Beautiful, Sexy, Talented, Accomplished and Single? Not For Long! http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/young-beautiful-sexy-talented-accomplished-single-not-long/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/young-beautiful-sexy-talented-accomplished-single-not-long/#comments Wed, 31 Dec 2014 07:17:57 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=35423 Both Fawn Stone and Lakesha Yvette Walker were featured as singles on Interracial Marriage and Family, formerly Swirling and Marriage.  I have not been single for quite some time but as a dating and life coach understand that it is quite hard out there for women everywhere to find love.  Throw in beautiful, successful and […]

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Both Fawn Stone and Lakesha Yvette Walker were featured as singles on Interracial Marriage and Family, formerly Swirling and Marriage.  I have not been single for quite some time but as a dating and life coach understand that it is quite hard out there for women everywhere to find love.  Throw in beautiful, successful and accomplished black women, the odds rise even higher.  I had lunch with Fawn and Lakesha in the summer and am still blown over in amazement as to why these young, sexy, gorgeous women at their age and in their respective professions were still single.  I encouraged them, strategized and discussed a game plan for each.  That game plan included swirling for these smart, hot, gorgeous women.  Half the battle is won as they are very much open to interracial relationships.  Neither Fawn nor Lakesha have limited themselves to dating black men only, but are inclusive of love in whatever skin shade they find it.  That is a very good thing!

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Fawn and Lakesha are looking for their mates.  Both are beautiful, ambitious, focused and determined in their respective careers in Hollywood.  The film industry is tough, but the opportunities to meet successful, quality men of all races is unlimited.  Whether in or out of the industry, they both agree that all one needs is an open mind.  Any good marriage minded man should be honored to meet, court, date and eventually marry Fawn or Lakesha.  Make no mistake neither Fawn nor LaKesha are desperate, but as intelligent as they are beautiful; and will make the right guy feel loved and happy.  They are of course individuals with their own goals, dreams and life course but they remain united in that they are looking for great men to join them on their continued rise to the top.

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Fawn Stone 27, is a gorgeous and super talented lady who does not like to get caught up in drama. Well, with the exception of on the screen drama. Born and raised in Los Angeles, Fawn returned to her home city Los Angeles after graduating from Howard University in Washington, DC to pursue a career in acting and as a television correspondent. Most likely, Fawn can be found strutting her stuff in her 3-inch heels, even in a bowling alley. She says, “Heels are more comfortable.”

Some would say she is a diva, and she may have diva tendencies, but Fawn is one of the most kind-hearted people you will ever meet. She continues to get her feet wet in the entertainment and media business and enjoys every moment of it. In her spare time, Fawn enjoys volunteering and giving back to inner city and incarcerated youth.

Fawn’s ideal man:  The man I marry will be very kind, loving, faithful, handsome, funny, intelligent, attentive, loyal, understanding, giving, independent,  adventurous, curious, open-minded, creative, steadfast, a great provider and treat me like a queen.  I, in return will do the same.  He must love children and be spontaneous as well as romantic.  He is an all around great guy.

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One of Fawn’s famous quotes:  NEVER underestimate Gods blessings. Always stay faithful. Always remain in gratitude. Always give & love despite your situation. When you are faithful to God, God will be faithful to you!

 

LaKeisha 2

 

Gorgeous and born with comedic talent, Lakesha, 29 stands on middle ground between the “Wild Child” and the “Diva.” As a comedy writer, she loves to laugh and have fun. However, she also provides balance to the trio and is sometimes their only voice of reason. Her work may be scripted but her life sure is not.  Lakesha created The Candid Confessional, a monthly performance event where actors, comics, directors, musicians, poets, writers, and anyone else who is brave enough to step inside and confess.  Lakesha is an avid dancer, fitness fanatic, blogger, and runs her own production company, La Fille de Cacao Entertainment. She is tenacious and has mega drive for success. Mostly, this lady rolls with the punches.  Hollywood better watch out!

Lakesha: “My life is busy but I keep it light, so I love a man who embraces fun and independence, as well as one who is kind, open, loving, smart, patient, attentive and willing to support my goals, because I in turn will support his.  I’m also a very kind and open person, so I love to throw parties, plan events, travel, explore new restaurants , diversify my taste in culture and food, embrace health and fitness on all levels.”

Lakesha’s ideal man:  My husband will embrace that part of me and I in turn will love and support all he does as well, whether it’s business, social or goals that build for the overall good of our family.

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 If you are serious, marriage minded, in the market and want to contact either of these beauties, let me know.

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Shonda Rhimes Hands NY Times WW Writer Her Hindquarters on Social Media http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/shonda-rhimes-hands-ny-times-ww-writer-hindquarters-social-media/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/shonda-rhimes-hands-ny-times-ww-writer-hindquarters-social-media/#comments Fri, 19 Sep 2014 21:11:46 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=33436 You’d think one of the writers of the illustrious New York Times would cross-check her information before she threw major shade on Shonda Rhimes, one of the most powerful African American women in Hollywood. Apparently Alessandra Stanley is not a fan of Rhimes’ new brain child, How to Get Away with Murder, and specifically it’s star character, […]

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You’d think one of the writers of the illustrious New York Times would cross-check her information before she threw major shade on Shonda Rhimes, one of the most powerful African American women in Hollywood. Apparently Alessandra Stanley is not a fan of Rhimes’ new brain child, How to Get Away with Murder, and specifically it’s star character, played by Viola Davis. Stanley opens her piece with, “When Shonda Rhimes writes her autobiography, it should be called “How to Get Away With Being an Angry Black Woman.”

But why would she say that? Well, because all of Rhimes’ hit shows depicts black women with layers, you know, like most humans.

The writer goes on…

Ms. Rhimes has embraced the trite but persistent caricature of the Angry Black Woman, recast it in her own image and made it enviable. She has almost single-handedly trampled a taboo even Michelle Obama couldn’t break.

Her heroines are not at all like the bossy, sassy, salt-of-the-earth working-class women who have been scolding and uh-uh-ing on screen ever since Esther Rolle played Florida, the maid on “Maude.”

I wonder…and this is just me thinking out loud…if much of this hand-wringing is because some folks are starting to be uncomfortable about seeing powerful black women being the objects of sexual desire by any man, but especially a white man.

Let’s be honest. Many white women are comfortable with the exact caricature Stanley describes. If we’re fat, loud, sexless and putting everyone else above our own needs like good little mammies, then black women aren’t a threat. I guess what’s even more ghastly is that Rhimes is using her sizable clout to display a non-mixed, darker skinned black woman who is imperfect and has an actual sex drive. OH! The horror.

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What on earth will the world do if the collective male gaze no longer rests on black women that look like white women dipped in chocolate?!

Well Shonda got the last words on that slick diss, and went to Twitter. Apparently the NY Times reporter didn’t even get that the writer of the latest show, a white gay man, right.

Thanks for throwing shade on Shonda, Alessandra. Now I’ll be sure to set my DVR to HTGAWM.

Get ready, folks. This is just the beginning.

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Tired of Feeling Like the Dude? BB&W Fan and Friend, ‘Nicole Abundance’ Gives Lessons in Femininity http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tired-feeling-like-dude-bbw-fan-friend-nicole-abundance-teaching-lessons-femininity/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/tired-feeling-like-dude-bbw-fan-friend-nicole-abundance-teaching-lessons-femininity/#comments Thu, 13 Mar 2014 06:03:43 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=29167 Let’s face it: gender neutrality is confusing. So let’s just celebrate being girls, shall we? Long-time BB&W fan, ‘Nicole Abundance’ has creating a femininity boot camp of sorts, and wants to share the knowledge… What is the definition of being feminine? Is it the way you dress or how great your manicure looks? Is being feminine […]

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Let’s face it: gender neutrality is confusing. So let’s just celebrate being girls, shall we? Long-time BB&W fan, ‘Nicole Abundance’ has creating a femininity boot camp of sorts, and wants to share the knowledge…

What is the definition of being feminine? Is it the way you dress or how great your manicure looks? Is being feminine defined by how done up your hair is or how many times you remember to cross your legs like a lady while in public? What if I told you that your feminine essence is not fully defined by what you do or how you look on the outside, but how you cultivate your femininity from within? Here’s an even better question. What if I told you that by being more feminine, you can attract MORE men? I’m talking more of the men you DESIRE.

You may be doing all of the external things that may attract men but where the focus really needs to be is from within. Yes, men may respond to your flirtatious manner and may not be able to take their eyes off of you, but how are you inspiring them to want more than just the physical after a few weeks or even months go by? You may not have a problem with attracting men in quantity, but do you know how to actually maintain what you have attracted?

So what does being more feminine truly mean, then? Two main components to the feminine nature are rest and surrender.As women, we are naturally designed and more drawn to a more restful and playful way of living. We love to frolic and surrender to the moment. We are the keepers of the light and nurturers of the seed. Surrender means that you no longer have to chase, pursue, or fight for a man to make things happen.

However, when it comes to relating to men, the complete opposite may be true. With the way you currently attract men now, you probably don’t feel like you have a revolving door of options waiting at your doorstep. You may also find yourself operating in the pseudo-masculine role a lot when you interact with potential men of interest. The pseudo-masculine may manifest in the way you feel like you have to chase, pursue, lead the relationship, do all the work, worry about a man stepping up or showing up for you, feel like you are always rowing the boat.  Actively participating in this role is a surefire way to keep your attraction capacity at an all-time low. This is because the masculine doesn’t like to struggle all the time with a pseudo-masculine energy. Remember, you are the feminine and are designed to complement the masculine. Resisting the men in this way doesn’t really allow for men to show up for you.

A woman who is fully integrated in her feminine has applied a regime of practices and principles that help to keep her balanced and grounded on a regular basis. A woman who is more feminine is also aware of the masculine energy that resides in her and seeks to unblock and heal that energy for good. She has learned to fill herself up from the inside and invest in her emotional resources rather than giving them away at a moment’s notice. She doesn’t resist, fight, or try to compete with masculine energy. She embraces it and trusts in its protection and provision.

The key to attracting men by being more feminine requires you to give up the control you may THINK you have over your expectations of men. Being more feminine requires you to let go and release all of your worries and concerns into the universal drop-box, and trust that your desires will show up for you in the way you’ve always wanted when it comes to men. It requires you to get a little uncomfortable so that you can completely eliminate your current romantic model way of attracting and interacting with men. It requires you to open to the possibility of serving the masculine in a whole new way, a way that will set you free. Are you ready to open wider to attract greater?

Attracting men and inspiring them is easy when you learn how to master your feminine energy. Learn the Secrets Here: http://www.nicoleabundance.com/bigwildlove/

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I Don’t Hate Myself, I Just Hate Ratchetry. http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/dont-hate-just-hate-ratchetry/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/dont-hate-just-hate-ratchetry/#comments Thu, 02 Jan 2014 20:24:50 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=27498 As you might imagine, I get a lot of people accusing me of hating myself because of the nature of my work. Somehow, telling black women they are beautiful and worthy and have options beyond those who share the same level of melanin means I hate…myself. Calling out the absurdity and destructiveness of the near […]

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As you might imagine, I get a lot of people accusing me of hating myself because of the nature of my work. Somehow, telling black women they are beautiful and worthy and have options beyond those who share the same level of melanin means I hate…myself. Calling out the absurdity and destructiveness of the near 80% out-of-wedlock rate in the black community means I hate…myself. Telling black women they shouldn’t grade on a curve when choosing a mate also means I hate…myself. Waking up every morning and not wringing my hands about how the white supremacist power structure keeps black men down means…you guessed it.

So apparently, if you have anything critical to say…anything at all…about black folks, that means you hate yourself. Some of the Guardians of All Things Dark & Lovely (GAT-DL) think that if you don’t embrace and/or defend any and all things black culture, ratchet or not, destructive or not, counter-intuitive or not, then you secretly want to kill yourself.

Once a for all, let’s put this ploy to make you feel shitty about your choices to rest. Here’s the definition of self hatred:

self-hatred(also self-hate)noun: intense dislike of oneself.

Look here, GAT-DL, I like myself just fine. Despite many of your best efforts, I love the hue of my skin, the kink in my curls, and the little gap in my teeth. I love my full, perfectly shaped lips. I love my nose. I think it’s cute. I love my high cheekbones. I love my naturally strong and shapely legs. I love everything physical my African ancestors gave to me.

I also love and respect all the sacrifices my ancestors made for me. But here’s where I’m different. Instead of focusing on  how they suffered, I celebrate how they have overcome. I respect their cunning, ingenuity, pride in themselves, poise, and intelligence. It’s why I can marry a white man without allowing you to make me feel like I’m betraying my ancestors. No guilt trips here, sorry.

To love yourself doesn’t mean you have to embrace all forms of ratchetry, and I’m sad to say that many educated and affluent black people do. Instead of turning away and denouncing poor behavior that reflects badly on the black community, they defend BoonQuisha and Tyrone’s right to be as ratchet as they please. Many of us fully embrace and perpetuate the soft bigotry of low expectations upon our own people, and that’s why we stay losing. For example, prominent talking head, Melissa Harris Perry champions black single motherhood at any and every chance she gets, and opposes No Wedding No Womb, even though these destructive behaviors are not only detrimental to the black community, they leave black women vulnerable  to violence and prisoners of poverty. Yet she is highly educated, married, has a child conceived in wedlock, and lives well. In my mind, only a person who has an “intense dislike” for you would advise and support such behaviors, amiright?

Admitting that current sorry state of the black community doesn’t mean I hate myself, it just means I hate the ratchetry that many of my opponents insist I should either embrace or apologize for if I really loved my people. At to that I say, GTFOOHWTBS.

I’ll admit that the current shenanigans make me embarrassed for my people. But that doesn’t mean I embarrassed to BE my people. There’s a difference. Recognize it.

 

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Taking Off Your Desperation http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/taking-desperation/ http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/taking-desperation/#comments Tue, 05 Nov 2013 05:05:33 +0000 http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/?p=26480 I discovered the fabulous Ava DuVernay when it was announced she’d be directing an episode of my favorite TV show, Scandal (the episode will air on November 21, 2013). In 2012, she was the first African-American female filmmaker to win the Best Director Award at the Sundance Film Festival for her film, Middle of Nowhere. She is […]

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I discovered the fabulous Ava DuVernay when it was announced she’d be directing an episode of my favorite TV show, Scandal (the episode will air on November 21, 2013). In 2012, she was the first African-American female filmmaker to win the Best Director Award at the Sundance Film Festival for her film, Middle of Nowhere. She is extremely passionate about telling the stories of black women.

 

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Recently, she gave a keynote address at the 2013 Film Independent Forum, and while her comments were delivered to filmmakers, I believe the advice she provided fits in with the messages of this site. Two portions of her speech really resonated with me. First, she describes her evolution from being a “desperate” filmmaker– always depressed and frustrated about being unable to make the films she deeply wanted to see made– to being a filmmaker who was actually doing something. Action regarding her work is what moved her career forward, versus passive action spent looking for a big break. She has a fantastic analogy of two trains leaving a station, which would you rather be on? Second, in responding to a question from the audience about making certain films, she asks the questioner to define what success looks like for him and suggests aligning his actions to achieve that.

Check out Ava’s full address:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pFoBks5ly0.

You can follow her on twitter at @AVAETC. What does success look like for you?

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