Normally I give my thoughts about a Question of the Week immediately after I post it. Not this time. This woman’s story is so typical and tragic–it’s a lot of ours’ story. She’s 36. Childless. Wanted to get married, not black man was up to her standards. She wants to open her options before it’s too late to have the husband and family she’s wanted her whole life. We’re going to discuss this tomorrow, December 23 on a LIVE Google Hangout at 7PM PST. Make sure you subscribe to my channel so you can be sure to join the conversation.
I am writhing you in response to your “I Feel Guilty About Not Dating Black Men” video. I have chosen not to respond in the comments of the actual video because I had planned to write you concerning this topic anyway and this was a good time to do so. In your video, you mentioned how there is a certain “type” of black woman that is inclined to or opened to swirling who tend to be quirky or who talks white or is accused of not being black enough. That is the type of black woman I always thought would date a white guy. Until recently I have been 100% against all black people dating out. I am now open to black women expanding their options and am interested in the possibility of dating men of different races. However, I have found that it is much easier for certain “types” of black women to transition into IR dating. As much as I hate to grade people’s level of blackness I’m about to. I consider myself a “real” black woman. I do not sound white when I speak, I love R&B music, 90’s hip-hop, urban fashion, freely and unapologetically use the word nigga, I like swag, rough sex, line dancing, and, barbecues. Basic nigga stuff and of course I have never dated anything but a black man.
I grew up working class as an only child with a single mother in the black church (typical). I went to a predominantly white high school and college but of course black people always find each other so it didn’t really feel like it most of the time. I cannot really say if men of other races have been attracted to me because I have paid them no attention and given them no consideration. I recall a few white guys trying to hit on me and me promptly ignoring them. Also, I only thought of myself as being attractive to black men. I am a big girl. I’m 5”9‘and though I lost 60lbs this year I am still larger than your average non-black woman. I plan on losing about 40 more lbs which would be the perfect thickness for a black man; the size 14 I am now is fine for a black man but ultimately I have no desire to be smaller than a size 10 just to nab a white boy. I said all that to say, that you say black women have a different set of standards for non-black men than we do for black men. More potently, you have also said that black women want non-black men who are out of their leagues. I have always wanted to comment on why that is. It’s not that we have a different set of standards it’s just that where there is lack in one area we would like compensation in another. The reality is black women such as myself see dating out as settling. Although we may be and likely will be happier and have better lives and have better access and provision with a non-black man that is not our first choice. Just like society says ugly men must be smart or funny to get women. Short or bald men must be rich to get women. Many black women feel a non-black man needs to be super fine or super rich to be dateable. I tend to stay away from fine black guys (which btw even as a big girl have no problem attracting) but to make up for looks, the men I date have great personalities. They are usually very smart or funny. I am attracted to charismatic charming men. However, when it comes to being attracted to a non-black man there must be an initial physical attraction or you will not even catch my attention. I do not purposefully have higher standards I just have preferences and no matter how much I want to date IR my preferences are all black. However, that makes dating out that much more frightening. As a black woman, the kind of white guys I would be attracted to would be the Tatum Channing, Mark Walberg, Chris Hemsworths of the world and I know I’m not in their leagues! I’d prefer to date a man of color non-black and non-white. I am more naturally more attracted brown men and I think it would be easier to relate on a social level as well.
I am 36 I have no children and do not want any. I have a bachelor’s degree. After almost 10 years I resigned from social services work this past spring and am currently in the beginning process of transitioning to a new career and relocating to a new state. I currently live in Columbus, Ohio. So what is your advice for a woman like me who has never been interested in or attracted to non-black men but would like to open her mind and heart to the possibly of something new? I know you champion online dating but I hate it! I’m on interracial dating central but I don’t pay for it. I know the paid members have better luck but I don’t really have funds to lend to that endeavor and since I’m not into it anyway I don’t want to waste my money. I am considering moving to Seattle Washington within the next 6 to 9 months. I have been doing some light research on the area. Maybe once I move I’ll consider becoming a paid member and I can enlist your services to help with getting my online profile together.
I have many friends and family members who are apart of the swirling community. I am also a huge supporter of your No Wedding No Womb initiative.Thank you for your work! I am very excited for The Girl Who Swirls Goes Around the World and will be supporting and following closely.
[WHEN I ASKED HER WHY SHE IS NOW INTERESTED IN DATING INTERRACIALLY…]
That is a loaded question for me. To answer I will need to give you more of my background. I have never had any career or personal aspirations. All I ever wanted to be was a housewife. My only dream was to be a wife and mother and I just assumed I would build my life around my family. I went to college because that’s what you do after high school. The plan was to meet my future husband in college and get a job working for my university. However, my college boyfriend and I broke up in my junior year and I could not get my own institution to even consider me for an entry level position. I returned home defeated. I was always very domestic but I used this time to sharpen my homemaker skills. Learning to perfect my cooking and cleaning skills. My mother was newly married so I would watch how she would care for her husband. I read books on dating and relationships. I studied marriage and family stats. I prayed and read my bible trying to become a “Proverbs woman”. I am a big people watcher. Again, I live in Columbus, Ohio home of Les Wexner creator of Limited Brands so he has built gorgeous shopping complexes around the city. Columbus and is an affluent city. I sit around the malls and watch couples and families with the lives I wanted. I would notice how the non-Black men were different. They handled their women differently, the way they touched them, the way they talked to them. They even dealt with their children differently. Then this spring I was introduced to Breukelen Bleu and took the “Blue Pill” and that changed everything!
I have learned that the characteristics I want in a husband most black men do not possess. I have been stuck in a relationship with the same black man for 10 years and he won’t even let me say that we are even in a relationship. The only title he’s willing to give me is friend. However, I watched a friend Shalonda Ravi who you recently highlighted for her donation to your site, meet her husband who is Indian, on my birthday, date for a year and then marry. I watch their entire relationship play out so smoothly. The way relationships are supposed to play out. I have watched many of my friends have successful progressive relationships with men of other races. At the same time, I’ve watched girlfriends who were dating black men deal with the same BS I was going through. After reading Is Marriage for White People it sealed it. A black man is never going to give me what I want in a relationship. After following the teachings of BB I also know that black men are not in the best position to protect, provide, and produce for me. I have family members who have married out and I have seen the benefit of having connections to other ecosystems.
That is why I want to try to open myself up to other races. I don’t think the kind of love, care, security, and provision I desire, a black man is capable of providing. The mindset of the black man is in opposition to my own and I no longer have a desire to try to make him understand me. Black men don’t and won’t get it. I feel like my only hope for happiness is to move on from them. I never thought in a million years that at age 36 I would be unmarried and childless but I want something very specific that is right for me and until I find that likeminded man I will remain single. What I have been doing has not gotten me what I want so it’s time to try something new.
Leave your comments below, and don’t miss my take on this tomorrow, December 23, 7PM PST.