Warning: This is a LENGTHY read, so you may want to go get a snack or something to eat while you read this.
I was in the middle of writing follow-up post number two in response to the record-breaking article written by Chris.
That post has been pushed back to address a certain group of determined vocal black men who either do not understand why black women are so upset with their behavior, or who understand and don’t care…but think they can thump on their chest or condescend us with thesaurus abuse. Both avenues meant to achieve the same goals:
– Hijack our discussions
– Abuse and shout us into silence
– Mentally and emotionally manipulate us
– Escape any kind of responsibility or accountability
– Maintain a status quo that benefits them, but continues to hurt black women.
Obviously none of this is okay and I am not going to stand for it in my own right. I know a number of the women here who run and participate in the discussions have no intention of standing for it, either.
And so I want to make a few things clear to the “startled” black men who happen upon this community and to the pressed, thirsty, desperate male trolls who are so hell bent on sabotaging us that they continue to think of ways to gain entrance into this space to poison the well.
I want to make where this anger, lack of tolerance, and blunt honesty is coming from. I want you to read every word, digest every sentence, and then go sit in the corner and think about your lives and choices.
Number 1: We Don’t Care….
That is a very general statement.
I’m sure some of you are wondering what we “don’t” care about exactly.
Well, the list is LONG, but it’s safe to say that these things that many of you are DETERMINED to bring up fall under something that we have emotionally and mentally (and even financially) divorced ourselves from.
We Don’t Care If BM Prefer Non-Black Women Or The Lightest Black Women Available
Since the black women here have NO interest in dating or marrying black men for the most part, what kind of person would draw the conclusion that ANY and EVERY time we talk about the negative impact of black male dysfunction on black womanhood, it’s because what we really want is a black man?
Re-read that sentence. Please understand how and why that makes no sense.
That’s like complaining about a hole in the head and then someone coming up and offering to drill a few more in your skull.
Not the point.
When is BM/non-BW ever relevant to our interests? The answer is close to “damn near never”, but there are a couple of scenarios where BM foolishness and thirst causes harm to black women.
When black men are so desperate for whiteness and white approval, they try and convince themselves, the world, and EVEN their black women (most of whom are darker-skinned themselves), that black people are primarily made of dark-skinned men and light-skinned women.
Women like Amber Rose and Kim K. are made “honorary back women” and worshiped for doing things that make black women unforgivable whores and strumpets. NOW MY ARGUMENT ISN’T ABOUT WANTING BLACK WOMEN TO BE THESE THINGS.
But so many black women are caught up in the matrix of the Madonna/Whore complex that they are incapable of developing enough of a self-esteem to choose quality men. They are relegated to the role of sex object and baby mama and “you’re too dark to claim and be seen in the light of day with.”
Kim Kardashian is the Hollywood bicycle and you’ve got men like Kanye West and other color-struck black males putting her on a pedestal.
I’m not even going to get into the fact that many black girls are raped and molested by older black men, and rather than black men hold these criminals accountable for impregnating 12, 13, and 14 year old girls (not to mention the much younger black girls who are molested by male family members and their mothers boyfriends…), these children are now considered damaged goods that ANY black man can get at.
All these girl children hear is that they are FAST and that they are only good for sex. They feel that sex is the only way they can be loved. And you have an entire culture built up on the “pimps up, hoes down” logic.
Now, with this as the backdrop our lower economic and struggling black women, many of whom have multiple children and no father figure or father for their kids in sight….you have black men going out of their way to excuse, defend, and admire lighter women, especially WHITE women for acting out the same behavior that gets black women verbally abused and put down. The same behavior where black men tell each other it’s okay to use and disregard a woman and have nothing to do with their own offspring.
When black men worship lighter/white skin and whiteness to such a degree where they gladly degrade, use and abandon their own women and girl children, refuse to protect them, and then shun the idea of being held accountable you best believe NO sensible black woman who loves herself and resents this indignity is tripping over herself to claim or get with these black men.
NOPE. We are not interested. And the BM behavior that goes unchecked in the black community and beyond is not going to change our minds.
We Don’t Care If Our Drawing Attention To The Fact That You Are NOT God’s Gift To Womankind Makes You Mad!
We already know after running this community for YEARS that many black men show up here for one of a couple of reasons:
Some are “confused” because they thought there would be white women everywhere. Oops.
Others are directed here by people talking about the AUDACITY of us black women and our “bold” opinions.
Underneath the indignity, bragging about having a white wife/gf, and “smooth” concern trolling is something many of you don’t think we see.
The “Mandigo” myth of black male animal sexual whatever came from the same white racists that brought the world “black people are inferior, ignorant, subversive criminal types and children of the devil”.
But black men kept the Mandingo myth close to the collar because no man walking the Earth is opposed to being made the feel like a total stud with the ladies!
and that black women would ALWAYS be there to cheer-lead the Mandingo Myth. You’ve got non-BW cheer-leading it, too…but most of the Mandingo myth’s influence hinges on black women.
And so when we wake up one day and a good chunk of black women are happily coupled with non-black men, people who buy wholesale into the myth of black male sexual superiority begin to ask questions.
You can’t go around telling the world that you are God’s gift to women and “all white men have small peens” and then not end up with egg on your face when BLACK WOMEN date/marry white men.
Hispanic/Italian men are “forgivable” to black men because black men can “claim” these men by proxy.
But much of the concern trolling of white men and black women comes from the need to claim sexual superiority. This is why black women who are with white men are attacked as gold diggers and “white slave master bed wenches”.
These black men want everyone to believe that a black woman wouldn’t choose a white man unless she HAD to. Her credit must be bad and she’s a desperate money loving whore or she’s a self-hating black woman who is soooo emotionally damaged, she wants to live out some “slave fantasy”.
The idea that a black woman could be sexually fulfilled by a white guy is terrifying. MORE terrifying than our emotional and financial fulfillment because honestly, these men do not care about those things. These men are used to being supported and cared for by WOMEN. And so the idea that they would be responsible for the lion share of protecting, providing for, and valuing their black women is foreign.
They are afraid black women will make them lose face, and they would rather avoid losing face than losing black women. I honestly believe that’s slightly MORE scary than the loss of financial support.
Number 2: We Aren’t Saying This Because We Hate Anyone
I think that what we are seeing from the indignant black men who cannot fathom a black woman airing all of this dirty laundry are men who bought their own hype.
Anyone who exposes or acknowledges the painful intra-racial hatred acted out against black women, ESPECIALLY dark-skinned black women, must be a “hater”.
“You hate black men because you’re hurt!”
“You hate black men because you’re jealous of them/white women!”
“You hate yourself, and that’s why you’re with white men!”
These are all nowhere near close to why I personally feel perfectly content calling attention to rampant dysfunction, intra-racial misogyny, and black male hypocrisy and lack of reciprocation.
We Are Beyond The Point Of Pretending That Helping Black Men Save Face Helps Black Womanhood
Black male-specific dysfunction is being discussed at an increasing rate in large part due to the increase of black woman-centric havens that are well moderated. These women tell their stories, share their opinions, and decry black men’s mistreatment of black women.
They are not shouted down, threatened, or guilt-tripped with the rate of success that was not possible in previous years.
I can HONESTLY say that even in DBR and NBAB havens on the internet, an increasing amount of BW are being vocal about how tired they are of black men’s damaged thinking and behavior towards them.
When Madam Noire has a comment section full of black women calling out an alleged “ideal black man”, that’s when you KNOW that the tide has turned.
Not is turning.
That comment section would have looked much different a few short years ago. The reason for this shift in attitudes among black women is because not only are they tired of the BS, they are beginning to realize they don’t have to take it.
An increasing number of black women are realizing that no matter what they do or say, black men will never reciprocate and will only continue to hate black womanhood and take it for granted. When black men feel safe denigrating black womanhood before the world, that’s when you know they are lost as a group.
We cannot find them…they have to go find themselves.
It is no longer sane or beneficial for black women to prop up a group of men more concerned about their egos and one-upping white men than taking care of house and home and protecting and loving their women.
Uplifting Black Womanhood Does NOT Mean Putting Down White Womanhood or Black Manhood
It’s amazing to me how when black women stand up for themselves, other groups of people become threatened.
We are not hating on black men or white women. Either separately or together. I already let it be known what I feel about white women who try to hijack our conversations. So I will not repeat myself.
In the case of black men need to take the “black woman experience” out of their mouths once and for all.
Please stop telling us about how our women ancestors were raped and beaten during slavery.
First, not all black women were slaves. Second, it was a BLACK WOMAN that is heavily associated with the freeing of slaves.
We have our own heroines, our own narratives, and our own stories, no matter WHERE our black female ancestors came from. All of which we are MORE than capable of sharing with the world ourselves.
And not ONE of you has the right to “educate us” about a history you could never imagine as a black MAN who has never experienced life as a black WOMAN.
It is the black WOMAN that kept it under wraps that your black male ancestors were raping black women slaves just as often and actually more so than the “white slave master”. Or are we supposed to be so stupid, we are to believe that the ongoing rape and violence against black women just happened overnight, and hasn’t been acted out against us by warped black men for centuries?
Black men don’t even want to talk about the rape, murder, and abuse that black women experience NOW, so the only way they can find a white male boogieman to scare and guilt black women into silence is to reach back to the 1800s.
Of course…these require all black women to be so brain-washed and stupid that we ignore the fact that not all white people owned slaves, or approved of slavery. Many white Americans are descendants of people who came to this country AFTER slavery. Their benefiting white racist infrastructure of America is something that I’m not going to deny…just like I’m not going to pretend that black men feel entitled to treat black women like property because of male privilege.
You see? It’s ALL bad and it’s ALL hurting black women.
But black women have done (and continue to do) black men a solid favor by prioritizing the “The Man” over the lengthy history of abuse and subjugation we’ve suffered at the hands of black men. Black men were able to successfully paint white men as the greater of “two evils”. The problem is that black women can no longer afford to pretend that one group is hurting them more than the other.
And now you have black women telling our stories. And no, those stories do not flatter black men.
But that’s NOT our problem.
The black woman was not put on this Earth to serve or flatter anyone.
A man, a REAL man, does not chase after women seeking their flattery for the sake of their ego. A real man would be ASHAMED to be associated with this intra-racial horror show.
The solution will not be found in trying to “plug the dam” by trolling black women in a desperate attempt to silence us. You may have some black women who come flying to the rescue to “cape”. But even these women cannot un-ring the bell.
Black women today are working to repair our image and uplift our spirits. We are letting go of all the pain, anger, fear, and shame. With that comes unburdening ourselves of all the wrongs that have been done to us as a race and gender.
There is no going back.
The only possible remedy for black men is to take a LONG HARD LOOK at everything they’ve done to black women. Everything they continue to do.
And then hold each other accountable. Hold their fathers accountable. Hold their sons, brothers and yes THEMSELVES accountable.
You are not listening; this isn’t about you or your feelings.
Black womanhood is being raised by black women because we cannot rely on black men to do so without sabotaging us out of a bizarre need to compete WITH their women rather than FOR them.
Black womanhood is being raised because we love ourselves, and regardless of which other parties don’t, we know that we deserve far better than what we’ve gotten.
We are not raising ourselves in order put anyone else down; only twisted people think they have to stand on other people.
Number 3: We Will Not Be “Sweet Talked”
Some black men have enough sense to know that outright disrespect will get them the boot, so they attempt to emotionally-manipulate black women by condescending them in a so-called polite manner.
This sweet talk is meant to keep black women in their place and divert our attention without these men doing ANYTHING to either own their role in the rampant attack on black womanhood or consider doing anything to stop it.
As this is a BW-IRR-centric space, some of these black men key in on this with the backward assumption that we’re all looking for non-BM because what we REALLY want is an “ideal black man”: the well-paid, well-dressed, educated black man with his own home and car.
Notice nothing in that “ideal” says anything about the mental state and emotional intelligence of that particular man. For all the talk of gold-digging, it’s amazing how much black women are expected to put all of their vetting into penis size and materialism.
But I digress.
Please Do Not Place Your “I Want A Good Black Woman” Ads In Our Comments Section
If you want a good black woman, there are a PLETHORA of BM/BW dating sites out there. There are a number of educated and loving black women seeking a black man.
So why the heck would we accept ads for black men seeking black women in a space dedicated to black women who are by and large looking to date/marry non-black men?
WE ALL KNOW THAT BLACK WOMEN WHO DO THIS IN SPACES WHERE BLACK MEN ARE VOCALLY SEEKING NON-BLACK WOMEN WOULD BE IGNORED AT BEST AND RIDICULED AT WORST.
Do not come at us with sob stories about how you “just can’t seem to find your black queen”. Do not insult the women here and then launch into a tirade about the good woman you feel entitled to (while saying NOTHING of what you’ve done to deserve said good woman).
Do not post your “profile” and pictures and try and hit on the women here.
We know that some black men honestly believe that black women become “good” when they are acknowledged by white men. Just like they think being with a white woman raises their status.
You do not need a black woman; you need a psychiatrist who can listen to you and not develop a drinking problem.
We are not a black love site and to the black women here seeking these black men, you too are in the WRONG place.
Please Do Not Come In Here Dangling A “Marriage Carrot”
To continue from the above, I know some of you are used to dealing with “desperate” black women, who will do/say anything to get a black man to marry them.
So they come in here talking about wanting to “settle down” and be married to the “right black woman”.
We all know that black men DO NOT marry at the same rate as other men. Black women seeking to be married would logically have to look beyond black men to make it happen. Then there’s the population issue in the United States when it comes to BW outnumbering BM.
There are numerous factors that justify black women expanding their romantic options, as black men are more inclined to play the field and enjoy the extra women than settle down with any particular woman.
Black women here are not interested in competing for, jumping through hoops for, nor otherwise inclined to keep jumping up to grasp that marriage carrot.
We all know that black men more often use talk of marriage as a tactic in 2015 than to seriously consider settling down with a BLACK (darker, kinky haired) woman.
You tell on yourselves every time you congratulate yourselves and each other for settling down with a light-skinned and increasingly white woman.
If you continue to make it known far and wide that you’re looking to wife anyone but a black woman, and that black women have to be flawless virgins before you even consider marriage (which doesn’t bring with it the promise of respect, protection, or being equally yoked), and that dark-skinned black women need not apply….your marriage carrot is a joke.
It is even more of a joke when dangled in front of black women who NEVER wanted it in the first place.
Number 4: We Are Black AND Women
I’ve pretty much covered everything, but this final section is meant to drive home a point that some will probably miss in the rush to get to the comment section to yell at me.
We are black women. Black AND Women. Both at once. One does not outweigh the other. One does not cancel out the other. And nobody gets to tell us which is more important than the other.
Marrying inter-racially does not make a woman no longer black. I’ve already said that black men DO NOT own blackness and they need to take the “black woman experience” out of their mouths.
We are allowed to tell our stories and not be shouted down by people who are preoccupied with black manhood, or thinking that black manhood is more important than black womanhood. This includes black-male identified black women.
Just because we are about interracial dating does NOT mean we are forbidden from talking about black women’s experiences, the trauma caused by the black community and black men. These are OUR stories. We can tell them and if you don’t want to hear them……
YOU ARE FREE TO TURN RIGHT AROUND AND GO OUT THE DOOR YOU CAME!
You will not stop these articles from being posted. You will not stop black women from talking about how black men have sold us out and desecrated black womanhood. You will not stop us from talking about the black male predators that have raped, beaten, and murdered black women.
Every ugly thing you don’t want non-black people to know about black men is going to stay coming out because you cannot shut up women who have the mic and ARE NOT going to put it down until it all comes out.
AND THERE IS A LOT STILL TO COME OUT.
But that’s okay, because that’s just a part of the healing process.
There is nothing wrong with being angry, being hurt, and acknowledging these things. The end goal is to talk about it, and THEN, move on from it.
BLACK WOMEN are coming into our own, and are realizing how amazing we truly are. We are building ourselves up and each other.
We have more important things to do, as we purge ourselves of DECADES worth of poison, to pause or self-edit in order to concern ourselves with the hurt feeling of some black men.
YOU DON’T KNOW HURT FEELINGS, BLACK MEN. YOU DON’T KNOW PAIN, FEAR, OR DEATH.
BECAUSE BLACK WOMEN HAVE FELT AND ALL OF THESE THINGS, WHILE CARRYING YOU ON THEIR BACKS, AND THEY STILL WALKED THE LENGTH OF THE PLANET!
YOU WANT US TO STOP AND CRY FOR YOU WHEN YOU FEEL PAIN, BUT YOU SWEEP OUR SUFFERING UNDER THE RUG AS TO NOT DISTRACT THE WORLD FROM YOUR VICTIM-HOOD.
YOU WANT US TO “WAIT” FOR YOU TO GET AROUND TO LOVING, VALUING, AND PROTECTING THE WOMEN WITHOUT WHOM…YOU WOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE!
We are not interested in competing with black men. We are not interested in stopping black men from dating inter-racially. We are not interesting in being coupled with black men.
We don’t want anything except for black men to STOP degrading and deriding black womanhood. STOP with your toxic treatment of black women and girls. STOP declaring your hatred from us and then demanding our resources.