Does Essence Magazine Promote Single Motherhood for Black Women?

I think this sets a poor example for African-American female teenagers. Nia makes being a single mother look exciting and glamourous. Of course, she has plenty of money, a remunerative profession, an army of handlers, and a staff of maids, and 41 years of age to handle the situation. In comparison, a 16-year-old girl in Newark has very little money, no profession, no handlers, no maturity, and fewer life skills to handle the situation.

Kids are not fashion accessories. I'm sure everyone here, reading this, knows how dramatically your life changes when you have a child. And that child changes you as much as he or she changes. No matter how old and married you are.

I had a Communications Director who took over my shop, freshly married, who gave us lectures about how the glorious job came first, that we should be prepared to ditch our spouses, partners, and romantic others, to devote all our energies to the all-important job. She got very imperious about it. I quailed.

Then she got pregnant.

When she returned from maternity leave, she dropped her imperious tone, and said quietly that our families and kids had to come first, they were more important than the job. It was amazing how changing nappies and 4 a.m. feedings had changed her world view. And she was 30 years old and a law school grad, with a husband and highly supportive family.

I like Essence, it's a good magazine, but it tends to gush over celebrities a little, which is unsurprising.

Kids may not listen to their elders, but they don't hesitate to imitate them.

I Essence's defense, they have plenty of married black people one the cover like Mary J. Blige, The Obamas, Will and Jada, Steve Harvey and Marjorie, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Whitney Houston (RIP)....though their headlines may not have been about marriage....idk. I like Essence Magazine

Lots have been said already, may I add to the converstation that there is privilege in being children of married parents. There was an interesting article about it in http://www.clutchmagonline.com/2012/06/privilege-its-tnot-just-for-white-folks/ .

Wives have greater power and influence over their husbands (as opposed to a babysdaddy), and their children have the privilege of being raised by their fathers. As the saying goes "the best thing a father can do for his child is to love his mother." The article talks about the privilege of being inside the family unit, compared to the child being raised outside of that family (like the child of the husband's mistress or previous relationship), but thats a whole other story.

What I take from all of this is that men are at their best when they are married. If I as a women want and derserve nothing but the best for myself and future children, I have to wait til I find a man who loves and respects me enough to marry me. Only in that marriage will I be comfortable enough to bear his child, because only then am I sure that he will be the best father he can be.

A lot has been said, so I don't have much to add.

I've always wondered what would happen if after a certain age maybe btw (3-5) women just dropped off the kids at their father's houses and gave them primary or sole custody.

Most of these baby daddies never truly have to deal with the day to day nitty gritty of raising a child. Also, these men have enabling mothers (and/or female relatives) plus the surrounding black collective who of course absolve them of their responsibilities in some way.

Maybe if women just start dropping their kids off, things will start changing. Most of these men with multiple babies still have women willing to date them because the reality of the situation is just not out there in their face. I think it'll be much harder for a women to ignore the reality of a never married man with 3-4 kids (usually by different mothers) when she's visiting his home and they are all their starring at her face.

I believe black woman have to take full responsibility when it comes to contraception because they are the ones that end up pregnant. So many women can be selfish..... and they don't won't to admit they just want to get pregnant regardless.  Men are crazy if they sleep around with women without  protection...you are asking for trouble...lifetime trouble. I wish that women would stop conceiving kids with men they know don't want them...its not going to make a man stay...it don’t work... ask somebody that tried. Black woman need a hard scolding on this topic. We spend so much time trying not to offend when what we need to do is correct the wrong. Wake up and stop conceiving children outside of marriage. Think more of yourselves and wait until you are married. Stop making excuses for men that don’t won’t to be bothered with you when you conceive a child for them out of wedlock.  Its all about prevention. If you don’t think much of yourself to prevent it then you have to live with the consequences it brings to you and the child.....its not a game folks... these are generations of kids affected by men and women poor un-thought out decisions..

One of the hurdles we have to somehow get over is wanting to criticize a woman's/man's choices without criticizing the person him/herself. This pussy footing around the choices women make may work when talking about Nia Long because she's basically a stranger, but when we bring the NWNW conversation up to our best friends, our sisters and nieces AND sons and nephews, its more difficult to separate the criticism of the actions from the criticism of the prerson. Am I making sense? I might have come out a little confusing, but what I mean to say is sometimes you have to just tell a person that they are "acting a fool," and let the chips fall where they may. Somebody is gonna get hurt and somebody's gonna be offended and frankly that may be what it takes to make someone wake up and realize how problematic the choices they are making are.

And for the record I think we should put Nia on the spot and ask her why she is promoting single motherhood on the cover of Essence, and what she thinks about NWNW. Personally I think these celebrities should promote their careers and leave their personal lives, especially their children, off of magazine covers. 

All the talk of single motherhood and the choices of women and how they affect their children is enough to give a girl an anxiety disorder. Although I agree that black women need to make better choices about marriage and motherhood, I do think more emphasis needs to be placed on the fathers. 

For instance shouldn't we also be asking "Does Essence promote absentee Fathers for black children?" Based on the thread below I think the answer would be yes. Where the emphasis and attention is put makes a difference and the men should get their fair share of the heat too. It takes two make a baby and it also takes two to make a marriage and a family. 

I feel like Essence has either just given up on telling black women the hard truths, or they want to kiss celebrity butt in a bad way.  Even though Hollywood is notorious for short-lived marriages among its white celebrities, they're still getting married.  Drew Barrymore just got married in the early stages of her pregnancy.  Natalie Portman is marrying the father of her baby.  Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman married when she became pregnant.  Isla Fisher married Sasha Baron Cohen shortly after having his child.  An even though  Susan Sarandon stayed with Tim Robbins for decades without marrying, and Goldie Hawn continues with Kurt Russell unmarried, both women have been married before and produced children from those marriages.  

Nia's kids are adorable. But it doesn't surprise me that Essence would push such a story right after the 80% OOW stat came out. That is how magazines work. They take these hot topics and run with them for their own benefit. This clearly has nothing to do with black women. I mean we already know that publications like Essence are the spring broad for the GAT-DL, their mind sets are very different from ours, so they are also catering to what they think black women want to read. That they look at Nia as a woman who represents themselves and that's why her as a cover girl with her babies saying yes, I'm a single mother and I'm happy (kind of an, if I can do it, so can you kind of thing). But the thing is, most black women are not successful, famous and rich actresses who can literally afford to take care of their children on their own. Most are lower middle class at best, in a society where even two income middle class people are struggling to make ends meet. For the average black woman, being a single mother may be a norm, but it definitely is not the ideal. And I do find it somewhat irresponsible of Essence to boast this type of article as some sort of pat on the back because it will reinforce that it is okay for black women to be single mothers and have children with any Tyrone, Jamal and Jerome. 

This is my thing, there's absolutely nothing wrong with putting that kind of story out, because lets face it, it is our truth. But I would like to see both sides of the story. The black community keeps sweeping the other side under the rug. But what would have been responsible would have been to have a conjunction story, okay Nia you're doing great, but what about the married black woman? I mean, when was the last time we saw a married black woman on the cover of a black magazine other than Beyonce or Michelle Obama? What Essence needs to do is put out this questions, black women, is this what you really want? To have the highest OOW rates. To have to resign to kids and not husband. You know, having the complete package is an option too. 

From the stats, I have begun to realize that it may not just be black women being careless and with whom they have children. It may be that a lot of them have given up before they've even started. They're seeing mom without a husband, grandma without a husband, aunties without husbands, and it becomes ingrained, I'm not going to have a husband either, so I may as well focus on the rest of my life. But that urge of love, sex, companionship never leaves, so what happens? Sort term relationships, on his terms, unplanned pregnancies, abandonment, proof of the inevitable and further disillusion. All these stats and articles are simply the final nail in the coffin to making black women think that they are undesirable for marriage. 

I mean even white centered magazines like Cosmo don't focus on marriage. They're all sex and the single lady and 8 tips to make his toes curl. But, I remember once Essence has a feature called "I thought I'd never get married"  that showed black women in their late 30's to 50's with their husbands and in their wedding gowns, telling their story. So Essence very well knows that there's a market for black women interested in marriage. They just choose not to delve very deep into it.  One, because the single black woman is their biggest market. But again, These publications could have a big influence on the tides of the black community if they dared to go there. To call people out and say hey we need to rebuild and redefine what it means to be a strong black woman (or man) and have that be synonymous with family and togetherness. But then again, these publications may be run by the same single black mothers about which they write, so in the end they'll prefer to serve their own best interest. And letting black women know, oh it's okay if you don't have a companion and your children don't have a father, as long as your money keeps my kids in private schools and me in furs and fancy cars.  

Well my parents were separated but never divorced and I hated growing up without a loving father in the home. Single mothers tend to think that because they are doing it all by themselves that is good enough for them and their kids. Being a great single mother does not take away the feelings of abandonment. Some kids may tell their mothers how they truly feel, but most will not. The kids may not want to burden their mothers with guilt so they will pretend that everything is okay to spare their mothers feelings.  I remember Oprah did a show on children that were born to single mothers via anonymous sperm banks. The children always wanted to know who their fathers were. Some were angry that their mothers could not tell them who their fathers were. These children talked about looking at random men wondering if he could be their father. I think that is a lot for a child to bear even if they have great mothers.

Not to go off topic but I'm curious about something that I can never seem to get an answer to (from those who believe that fathers are crucial but are also LGBT friendly). Do you also think that the children of lesbian couples are at a disadvantage (and should not be encouraged) because there is no father? If we really think about it, those units are fatherless by design. What I'm getting at is are fathers important or is having two parents what children need?

Nia Long looks beautiful on the cover and her two boys are gorgeous! Single mother hood works for Nia because she has money! She is not struggling by any stretch of the imagination. Both of her children's fathers have money as well, so she is in a very privledged situation.  The problem comes with the glamorization of single motherhood. The average black women will look at Nia and think that, if Nia is single and satisfied, then I can be too! There are lot of successful single women who really don't care to be at the submission of a man. They want to be mothers but, they don't want to have to answer to a man for anything. There are also some not-so-successful women who have this,(I don't need a man.) mentality.

The one thing I  seldom hear when disscussions like this come up is the black women taking responsiblity for her own body and sexual health. Everything is laid at the man's door step. Women have options. Men don't. This is the year 2012. There are at least 20 different forms of birth control on the market for women.  Including the morning after pill. You don't even have to buy comdoms these days. A lot of places give them a way for free! So, all this getting pregnant crap is just off the wall in 2012. I think the current system in which we live in has made it condusive for women to be single mothers. If the women can't support her kids financially, there are all sorts of welfare programs to help her out. ie food stamps, WIC, subsidized housing, cash benefits, free child care,... ect. Where is the need for a man? Shit...The government is women's husband. If the man can't take care of his kids, then he goes to jail for not paying child support for some kids that he never wanted in the first place. Nice.

Black women need to stop seeing whatever they want to see in a man and judges a man for what he really is. If the man doesn't have his shit together, then he probably is not going to make a good father. And sex and love are not the same thing. Just because a man is having sex with you, doesn't mean that he gives a rats ass about you. Because when things get real,ie baby on board, the man is gone! Black women should be focused on their education and getting married before bringing kids into an f***ed up situation that thier kids are just going to resent them for in the long run. My mother always told me,"Do you before somebody else does." She was right! 

To purple, OmGlikereally,Avoc42883.

Thanks for speaking your truth.  Bet you won't see these stories in the current issue of Essence to balance the one presented on the cover. 

Again this thread is not about bashing single mothers. Lets just get the whole story out there. 

A special word of "thanks" to ALL who commented here and this is way I'm so passionate about this particular issue.

As the aunt of a mentally challenged 30 year old niece with '4 young boys', who's raising them on her own because the dads are either in jail, or they don't want to be involved with the boys, and the only one who is is mentally challenged (and bipolar to boot) as well.

ALL of my niece's boys are mentally challenged along with other issues too. While I realize this might be considered a 'one in a million' case, it still breaks my heart to see what's become of her life with these boys (who are struggling with their education, they're ALL IEP cases, and God knows what else down the line, and her last boyfriend can do NOTHING to help them), and how she hardly gets a moment to herself, until those boys are in school (the last two have so much energy it makes you want to pull your hair out, and run for the hills at times, and there's so much ANGER from the next to the young boy it gets really scary sometimes).

Here's the kicker folks, the father of her last two sons, told my niece "from the beginning" that he wasn't going to marry her "ever", but she stayed with him and gave him children anyway (so the aunts help to take care of these boys because because their father also has mental issues, and is on some extremely powerful meds to boot). How sad is all of this especially for the children???

There are times when my niece just loses it, and cries her eyes out because it's too much to take, and she doesn't know where to turn. We help all that we can but the 'father' can only do but so much, because of his medical condition and what his mom will allow.

Nia's case is so different from this one, but when a man tells you from the 'beginning' that he'll "never" marry you, you have more than enough time to "turn tail and run for the hills", but I guess some women stick with it no matter what. My heart (and prayers) go out to them and the 'children' involved as well. Hopefully and prayerfully the dad's of Nia's sons will keep in touch with and have a part in their son's lives, as I can just see these boys asking when they get older, "Mom why didn't you marry dad"?? God/Jesus help our poor children. God's way is still better in the long run folks, He's never told us anything that didn't help us and I know that's true now as well. Peace everyone.

YES.

Essence promotes single motherhood. Fact is it cost damn near 1million dollars to successfully raise a child from birth to 18 including food housing shelter clothing education insurance, vacations, etc.

One million dollars!

WHO has that sort of money over the long run? The wealthy and or married couples!

MOST single Black mothers are POOR.  

The unlucky 2/3 that are BROKE have HELL to pay and the children suffer!

I do RESENT people who pretend that raising a child is low cost!

I do NOTICE all the struggling single mothers on the bus, at big-box grocery stores  toting 3 kids with no man.

Have we gone mad!?

What about the FATHERS!?

I've never read this magazine, and this particular cover story wouldn't encourage me to do so.  I don't understand the point of doing a cover story as a puff piece for Nia Long.  She's certainly beautiful, and probably better off financially and in every other way than the average black woman.  How does her experience with single parenthood compare to the rest of the Black community?  What are we supposed to "get" from this?

Many years ago, when my daughter was about 13 or so, she asked me how long her father and I had been married before she was born.  "Oh, 2 or 3 years," I told her.  "Good!" she said.  "I'd have been really mad at you if I'd been born illegitimate."

I was taken aback by that.  First of all, a big and rather harsh word for a kid that young, and second, I never thought about how the CHILD might feel about being born out of wedlock.  I wonder how many baby mammas have thought about the matter from that point of view?  Whatever a woman's reason might be to choose to have a child alone, what if her children don't agree, approve or respect her for it?  How does she explain it to her children to make it OK?

It is a good thing to want to have children and nurture them into responsible, contributing members of society.  But what if you children aren't happy with the circumstances surrounding their birth?  

Love Nia.  The way she handles her celebrity reminds me of black actresses from earlier times--Lena Horne, Cicely Tyson, Ruby Dee, Diahnne Carroll, etc.

Nia can do this. She has money, and so does her baby father.

It might be Ok for her...she might have the mindset of...I'm successful/cultured/happy I raised my son so I can do the same with this child...more power to her...that's not for me but some people can make it work..

I guess good for Nia Long but it couldn't be me.  Especially with boys? No go.  I'd don't particularly like the message this is sending but this is Essence.  Nuff said.

I thought I read somewhere that Nia and Ime eloped. She is a very beautiful woman with two adorable boys.

I asked a question, but I'm sincerely curious about the mindset that resents a lack of promotion for single motherhood, or the desire of people here to encourage black women SEEK to be single mothers:

In accepting and promoting single motherhood....where does FATHERHOOD come into play? Or have you accepted the idea that a father figure is an obsolete concept?

If you are comfortable removing fathers and male accountability from the picture, what does that mean for the future of African American children coming into the world where an absent father is the norm? Are you comfortable raising your daughter to have unprotected sex and should she get pregnant (1) keep the child and (2) attempt to raise the child alone? If you have sons, are you comfortable (1) allowing them to think there's nothing wrong with unprotected sex (2) should they procreate, not feel obligated to the mother and any children and (3) make as many women pregnant as they want, as they are not expected to be the one's doing the lion's share of the child rearing?

I feel like these are questions that people are determined NOT to ask whenever they decide to wade into these discussions. Or at least, be entirely honest about.