• bastiatsghost

    If Bumble is the one I think it is then it’s perfect if you want a guy with a room temperature testosterone level.

  • chest_nut61

    Personally I believe it is the man’s responsibility to take the lead. I believe it’s up to him to make the woman feel comfortable and trust him enough to accept an offer for a date. i expect the man to pay…at least initially. That being said, there’s a new brand of feminism out there that is either completely anti-male, or they do things like actually get *angry* if a guy opens a door for them. They want complete and total equality and even want to change our language to remove the “man” or “men” from words like “freshman”, like at Yale:

    After beginning to roll out the new terminology in formal correspondence early last spring, University administrators have now begun the process of replacing the terms “freshman” and “upperclassman” with the gender-neutral terms “first year” and “upper-level students” in official campus publications, such as the Undergraduate Regulations and the First-Year Handbook.” Link: http://tinyurl.com/yc687ud3

    So when you have this kind of thing going on, and when women either want or allow men to take on a passive role, this is the result.

    • simplylois

      “there’s a new brand of feminism out there that is either completely anti-male, or they do things like actually get *angry* if a
      guy opens a door for them.”
      I agree. But, they don’t speak for me. I love a man being a man and of course, a woman being a woman. We were born
      differently for a reason.

    • BWC

      I don’t see an issue with altering terminology. It’s been going on for years. Actor/actress. waiter/waitress. Personally, I’m a bit old school and don’t see the difference between the designations as I treat people equally anyway.

      I think that for schools, it’s a hearkening back to when women weren’t allowed schooling so, meh… I think it’s about antiquated connotations that women are somehow inferior to men regardless of the position in question.

  • Desiree Lovely

    OkC, Bumble, etc are annoying. Just really the same faces on different apps because its free or cheap. Alot of one type of male on them, little diversity, and they are mostly looking for a high quality woman with low quality stats themselves. And weeding through the scams is even more tiring. I have been on and off dating apps for years, Tinder has given me a couple of highly educated men, one was crazy and the other a workaholic but we had good chemistry. I haven’t been on since and just the thought of weeding through the bots and scam profiles requires knowing the right ?s to ask and creating a conversation that engages people. Ive found many of the guys on these are not very social and lack conversational skills. You wind up carrying the conversation in many and feeling like the roles were just reversed…lmao. le Sigh….Disclaimer: this is just my opinion through experience on several apps. I may be too old for this and of course being in NYC is not a prime dating location for long term relationships.

    • MySmile

      Ugh I agree with you about online dating. I’m not in NYC though. I’m in a relationship now (we met “in person”) but I still get upset thinking of online dating lol. I had a few good tinder experiences, but my experiences on tinder, OkCupid, etc (never tried Bumble) …were mostly lackluster…several were terrible..even when I thought I had a positive attitude about dating!. I mean.. I’m not that closed minded, but the men were mostly “undateable” to me (extreme bitterness, extreme social awkwardness, can’t carry a conversation, super beta, narcissists bums or high earning narcissists, unmanaged mental health issues,, lazy, creepy much older men) .. and It was a headache. I’m exhausted just thinking about it! I would say try to meet a guy through your hobbies, passions, and interests…if you like rock concerts, Meetup groups seem like a much better option…even speed dating seems better. I’d say if you do online dating don’t make that your only way to meet new men.

      • Desiree Lovely

        Oh, dear…thanks for the advice, but I’m not searching any longer. I am still on a dating app, but it’s simplistic.

        But, I was part of meetup groups here for years and did speeddating…etc. I loved my meetup group. Anyway, I can say my meetup groups gave me opportunities to use my conversational skills and it makes dates easier when you can move a topic along. It’s tiring still for so little in return. It is just the changing atmosphere. I prefer meeting my next beau ‘IRL’ though…. Hahaha

      • simplylois

        or if he is a decent guy he could be to cautious, very set in his ways; then wonders why you do not want to be bothered,
        not willing to take a chance and meet to see if there is chemistry between the two of you, just want to communicate via webcam or emails. No female should waste to much time on any guy because he may never change.

      • Presence

        Online dating exhausts me too. Everything you listed is what I experienced. It was to the point where one white guy sent me a message and I was actually happy he told me he just wanted sex..Great, thanks for not waisting my time!

  • Jay Fenton

    I have noticed that young men (20’s on up) have a laid back tendency toward life———including women. When I talk to young men at my gym, they tell me that some women are so suspicious of a man’s intentions that they’re afraid to say anything because so many girls take things the wrong way. That makes a guy not want to interact with women. I was brought up to be friendly and kind to everyone, but when an older man approaches a young woman, her first thought is that he’s a “dirty old man.” It’s hard to convince them you’re just being friendly. So I’ve stopped trying. Young men seem to not want to even try to be friendly to the “stay offish” kind, because some girls just come up to them with a big smile and are friendly.

    They figure, why take chances. “The hunt” isn’t what it used to be. I think many women have been so indoctrinated into the sexual harassment theory that they suspect every man is “one of them.”

    Sad.

    • Lor Lopez

      No it isn’t sad. Its about safety in this day and age. A lot of women have been attacked for not being ‘nice’ enough. https://mic.com/articles/135394/14-women-were-brutally-attacked-for-rejecting-men-why-arent-we-talking-about-it#.Tex8jNd9z

      I grew up in a part of the country where people speak/be friendly and I still do that. When women are interested the guys will know. If the women act “stay offish” as you say then that is their right. The men know okay she doesn’t want to be bothered so let me move on to someone who does.

      I go to a gym where a lot of older men are friendly to me, but I know they are not trying to hit on me. They joke and kid around. You mention younger women being suspicious. Do older women act the same way?

      • Jay Fenton

        “Do older women act the same way?”

        Not usually.”

        As far as young women are concerned, it’s best to just back off if she’s being suspicious of you. No amount of words will convince her otherwise. And why bother? I was brought up to be friendly to everyone, but that was in a different era.

        • Jay Fenton

          The problem for me is that I wasn’t hitting on any of the young women. I was just being friendly. Kind of makes me think twice about being nice. A lot of men say “nice guys finish last.” Evidently there’s more truth to that old saying than I thought.

          • Lor Lopez

            Jay, you need to put yourself in THEIR position. Yes it is a different era because now men (and sadly this is across races lines) are attacking women for not ‘being nice’. So a lot of women are afraid to be nice because some guy might be crazy and they are afraid of not being nice because some guy might be crazy. Does this mean all men are out to get women? No! But you cannot fault about them being nervous. How would you like it if strange people showed up at your home just because you said hi? Or acted in an overly aggressive way? I am NOT saying you did that, but a lot of times that is what they are met with so they learn to just steer clear of everyone.

            I have had friends followed home all because they said hi to someone who took it wrong. Thankfully, her husband (Marine) was home at the time to instruct him on what he did wrong.

            I do not know you or the women at your gym so I cannot make a judgement. I agree though just stay clear of those who do not want to be bothered. A lot of people just don’t want to be bothered and you have to respect that.

          • Jay Fenton

            I guess you’re right. Being a friendly person, I naturally like people. I know there are people who have darker motives, but in a “safe” situation where there are a lot of people around, there’s little reason to be afraid. Still, “staying clear” is also the safest for me. But it seems such a shame not to have the opportunity to make new friends.

          • Lor Lopez

            Yeah, but what happens when a person takes it away from the safe environment? I get what you are saying but some people just want the separation.

            And after a certain age most people have all the friends they want and its more like acquaintances. The guys at my gym I consider acquaintances not friends. It takes years for someone (male or female) to be considered a friend. Has there been people I have met and within five minutes I knew we would be friend for life? Yes it happens. I have tons of acquaintances but only a small group of friends. We are all around the same age so that might be another factor. These kids you talk about have their social circle within their peer group. Does it mean all their friend might be 20 year olds? Probably not but most times that is the case.

          • BWC

            All of the things that you described are things that should have been taught in the home. I know it was in my day.

            The fact that men would do these things means that they weren’t raised properly. It makes me think of the college athlete assault cases. You know that they were told that they were special and could do no wrong. I believe that this goes back to the changes made to child rearing from the 80’s forward. That everyone is special and gets a trophy just for showing up and no one ever loses.

            Lessons used to be full with stories of losing and coming back to better oneself. Children were taught to expect the most for putting in the least effort. And now those children are adults and cannot handle any type of adversity.

            I only see it getting worse.

          • Lor Lopez

            EXACTLY!

    • Pesha

      This is so unfortunate. I do not see why people can not take each person on an individual basis. Being brought up southern, saying hello back in the day was the norm. Jeepers

    • bohunkbeast

      I agree, but find that “dirty old man” mentality to be far more prevalent among white women rather than black women.

      • Jay Fenton

        You’re right! Jackie, the dietician at my gym, is so easy to talk to. She was the first person I met when I joined the gym. She had a smile on her face and saw me as just a guy. She wasn’t immediately afraid I was going to pounce on her or say sexual double ententres, or act like a dirty old man. I keep wondering “how did she know I was “safe” to talk to when some other girls didn’t?

        I think some women just have a sense about people———and men—–knowing if they’re good or sleazy. I foolishly thought that all the young women I met at the gym would be like her. Boy was I wrong.

  • mgm531

    *yawn* just another rant on how online dating is (yet again) all men’s fault. You want to know why Bumble came to be in the first place? Because women screamed to the high hills how traditional online dating (like Match, OkCupid, Tinder, et al) were sh*t shows of jerks, clueless idiots and d*ck picks. Fine, the collective online dating community said, then let’s create an online dating community were WOMEN can control who gets to connect with them. WOMEN get to control who they want to date and meet up with. Thus no more unwanted attention from men that they don’t find attractive, no more clueless messages and no more infamous d*ck pics. Job Done…right? Sigh…nope just more whinning.

    • Christelyn Russell-Karazin

      Not every woman had a problem with traditional online dating. In fact the sales numbers play that out. Oh..and I challenge you to find one story…ONE STORY HERE where I or any of my followers complained about how online dating platforms were oppressive for women. Go back to your MGTOW site and suck your thumb. Nobody here is like that. You took the wrong turn, buddy.

      • bohunkbeast

        Not all MGTOW are created equal, dear one. I enjoy what you are doing.

  • raspberrymousse

    I would not join bumble myself because I don’t like the premise that the woman talks to the man first. I prefer the man to make the first move.

  • PaoloP

    About women getting mad if you hold the door….In my life holding doors many thousands of times, I think I’ve experienced this reaction 10 times.

    My stock answer is:
    “I was taught to be helpful, which includes opening or holding doors for everyone. If it really bothers you, please stand back a bit and I can let the door slam in your face, your call.” Every single time a third party reacted to this, it was a woman who was annoyed by offendee’s attitude towards such fundamental common courtesy, rather than a woman who was likewise upset that I acted as I did. Therefore I think the behavior is anecdotal rather than a common reflection of real life. What annoys me is when men use this as an excuse to have no manners. And, it certainly does not keep me from continuing to behave as I was taught.

    • Pesha

      Good for you , holding on to what you were taught. I know I am of a different time, but I just do not get females that get offended by courteous behavior.

      • PaoloP

        I know that some women can be uncomfortable having a male stranger do things for them, because indeed some men then think they’re ‘owed’ something. Therefore, I am sensitive to that and don’t expect any reaction out of them, which is ok. Sometimes women have refused the courtesy but been nice about it, which is fine also. However, being nasty about it is just not warranted. That’s the only time I respond as I have.

        • Pesha

          Understandable. Hmm I still wonder why having a stranger open a door for you in public would be a problem. In an isolated place yup, that could be dicey. Thanks for explaining this. People do have the right to be comfortable You are kind to observe and act accordingly. But those rude women need to go sit down and think about how ugly they are.

  • MySmile

    Never tried bumble.. I figured there were a bunch of super beta males or people looking to use women on there..so it never appealed to me.

    • bastiatsghost

      It’s a a great site if pajama boy is your thing.

  • bastiatsghost

    You left out mentioning short. Women are more bias against short then men are against fat.

    • mgm531

      I left that out specifically because as a 5’7″ man if I had mentioned that I would’ve been immediately dismissed as having a Napolean complex, but you are correct. There is a definite height discrimination with online dating. Any women that denies this exists is blind to the ugly truth.

      • Rissie

        My height or taller is fine, and I am 5’4. I don’t get the big deal but I did date a guy shorter than me once and other people made a big deal about it.

        • mgm531

          Personally I find it puzzling and counter productive for women to have arbitrary height requirements listed in their online dating profiles. I get that there are a lot of women that don’t feel comfortable dating someone shorter than them. It would probably feel weird for them. But given that the average height of an American woman is 5’4″ tall it would follow that most men — even the ones that are below the 5’9″ height average of American men — would be well above that. But if you even take a cursory glance at a lot of online dating profiles for women they very frequently list a height requirement of 5’10” or taller, even if they themselves are only 5’4″ or 5’5″ tall. In fact I once did a random sample of 40 women’s online profiles for women in my age group (early 40’s to early 50’s) and found that no less than 18 had listed a height requirement of 5’10” or taller, regardless of their own height. For those counting that’s a little less than 50%. Now I could just ignore their height requirement and message them anyways, but I usually don’t because I find it rather insulting that someone feels it necessary to exclude me based on something so arbitrary as my height. It would be akin to me listing breast size requirements on my profile. Imagine the uproar of a man doing that!

        • BWC

          That is a problem for a lot of men and women. Falling to peer pressure and placing too much on other’s opinions or prejudices.

          If J wasn’t the wonderful woman that she is, we wouldn’t be together today as she, initially, received plenty of flak from family and friends because I was 1) white, 2) her ex-husband made more money, and 3) her single friends were openly jealous that she found someone wonderful, that had more in common with her than them, and treated her better than she or them had been treated in previous relationships.

  • lisa586

    I met my bf on Tinder before Bumble came on the scene and I was using it as Bumble, basically.
    I wasn’t looking to waste any time, so if a guy messaged me first or I messaged him first (didn’t matter to me), I’d ask the same series of dealbreaker questions and if any of them were answered the wrong way, I would just unmatch.
    He found my directness refreshing and even amusing as I asked him (literally) 21 questions to see if he’d be worth meeting in person. We hit it off on our first (very informal) meetup. For our second date, he gave me a series of options (3, actually) of expensive and fun things we could do together downtown, and asked me to pick which I would most like to do. I ended up picking improv comedy and dinner at a nice restaurant (which he had handpicked for us).
    Anecdotal, but that’s just my experience messaging the guy first. He told me he was going to take his time messaging me so he wouldn’t look desperate, but like I said, I had no time for games.
    OTOH, it’s true that in the long run he is not much of a take-charge guy, he’s more of an easygoing, non-confrontational pacifist. I don’t mind that, I think it’s a big reason we never fight.
    Edit, because I think location makes a huge difference: I’m in Toronto.

  • Silver Roxen

    Bumble was actually created by a cofounder of Tinder, she was sexually harrassed by men on the app, so she made her own. The purpose of Bumble is that women are the ones that initiate conversations by sending messages first.
    http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2015/09/16/hookinguprealities/bumble-empowers-women-in-online-dating/

    • kaydenpat

      From the way Christelyn describes it, Bumble doesn’t appear to be meeting its purpose very well. Perhaps some tweaking is needed.

    • Neb16

      It seems like one of those sites that white women benefit from more than black women. We can’t afford to be the pursuer in the relationship without considering racial stereotypes. I know guys that said they rather the women initiate, but I believe they mean by flirting or friendliness. If a guy really wants someone, he would pursue who he wants.

      • Silver Roxen

        I’ve always been confused about what approaching actually is. I’ve seen so many black women say follow “The Rules” or don’t approach men and that made me think that I’m just supposed to sit, smile, and wait for the guy to come to me. Turns out approaching means this. 😕
        “I know guys that said they rather the women initiate, but I believe they mean by flirting or friendliness.”

        • Neb16

          Usually, interpretations between men and women can be different and difficult to understand. I had to learn that when a guy says he wants an independent woman, he means someone who is emotionally independent. When he says “no makeup”, he means the no-makeup makeup look. They did a study on that one. The guys didn’t pick the picture of the barefaced girl. They picked the one with minimal makeup. I had to learn this from what my mom told me about men and what I read from that book by Sheri Argov.

          • Silver Roxen

            True, if anything I’ve recently been hearing that women should listen to or ask men that they consider high quality for an evaluation of them.

      • Presence

        I would never advocate for black women to be the aggressor which is really what Bumble really is.

    • Kay Bee

      Yes I remember reading that as well about the founder of Bumble. Big sigh because it seems as if whenever we (humans) try to solve one problem we end up with another one!

  • kaydenpat

    Locks!! Oh dear. That whole set up just seems weird to say the least. Nothing but red flags. Have high standards and stick to them. Then you won’t find yourself on disreputable “dating” websites like Bumble.

  • simplylois

    I copied this from an online dating site. I laughed because he wrote he only wanted a AW or WW. They can have him.
    I am looking for
    Hello I’m now looking for a relationship, but I’m not looking to jump into anything without getting to know someone first. I’ve never been married, so I’m pretty sure it won’t kill me to take things slow and make sure we are compatible. If you are divorced, I’m totally OK with that. You had to leave him in order to find me right? I’m looking for a woman I can vibe with on a spiritual and intellectual level. Someone who is teach me new things and inspire me. I’m unique in that I will not waste time with “shallow” interactions. I’m only open to meaningful, honest, and exclusive relationships with likeminded people. I’m not concerned with having tons of friends. A few good friends is all I need. I know it’s hard to get to know someone by just a few photos and a couple of paragraphs, so if you want to get to know me better you should message me.
    About Him
    Want children: Want children (He can’t afford himself)
    Hair color: Dark Blonde (in his pictures his hair color is black. I think he was thinking about the woman’s hair color.)
    Religion: Muslim
    Occupation: Unemployed
    Education: High school
    Ideally I’d live in a: In the City
    My fashion sense is: Jeans and Tshirt all the time/Dress according to the occasion/Sporty, jogging shoes and trackies
    When I go to parties: I’m in the background but enjoying myself/I get around/I drink myself into a stupor. (He reads? a drunken stupor?)
    On a day off, I enjoy: Something athletic or energetic/Curling up with a good book/Lunch with a friend/Spending time with the family…
    I attend religious services: Once a week
    When it comes to work: I work only a few hours a week (This guy wants an AW or WW. He has nothing to offer.)

    • Kay Bee

      His claim of being Muslim surprises me the most as he admits to drinking to stupor but alcohol is forbidden in Islam! His profile is so riddled with red flags it should come with a huge neon “caution” sign lol

    • Neb16

      I had a friend who showed me a guy’s dating profile that she was writing about on her blog. It was so terrible. Had a long list of demands. It was cut off halfway, because it was a screenshot. My friend told me he didn’t say anything about black women, but he said terrible things about Latin women. I’d say, let the other women have the low quality men.

    • sljohnson

      Functionally, that guy said about as close to nothing about himself as one could is so many words. It’s a generic description of an unambisious loser with a list of expections for potential women. Internet dating is hard for some guys, but if you’re not genuinely interesting and honest with yourself in your profile you don’t have a real chance of anything. BTW, everyone who does something productive and worthwhile is interesting, they may need to bone up on their communiation skills (be better read, toastmasters) to actually tell their story in a compelling way, but it’s doable. I know it took me multiple profile rewrites and recompositions before I have short yet informative description. That guy needs to get a real job that he comes home tired from at least once in a while before he looks for a wife. Life is hard and unless you get job as a company social media person, it isn’t spent on Facebook or Twitter.

  • Tyler Beal

    Oh, I’m 5’7″ btw

    • Kay Bee

      I agree with many of the things you wrote Tyler & I agree with a lot of what Chris wrote as well. I just felt the ‘stupid’ part was a bit harsh but I think there is wisdom in what both of you have written since you have opposing perspectives.

  • Kay Bee

    As I wrote below, I find wisdom in the opposing views on this issue (ie: those for & against women making the first move on dating websites). One of the lessons I’ve learnt as I’ve matured is that there is no one solution/ rule etc. to dating and where there are rules, there are exceptions to those as well. Whether you choose to be the first to initiate contact with men or not, the most important thing is to have healthy boundaries so that you are not entertaining toxic people & people who do not add value to your life. Internet dating provides a good option but it also has lots of challenges so I prefer to use that in addition to other ways of finding people (going to places people congregate, clubs, church, events, meet up groups etc)

    • Silver Roxen

      Most definitely! Taking other people’s advice can trip you up because what works for them might not work for you.
      “One of the lessons I’ve learnt as I’ve matured is that there is no one solution/ rule etc. to dating and where there are rules, there are exceptions to those as well.”

      • Kay Bee

        That’s right Silver! I spent my 20s thinking some of these rules were fixed with absolutely no exceptions….I’m realizing now that there are different paths for each relationship so I take any advice I’m given as a recommendation instead of seeing it as a commandment.

        • Silver Roxen

          Yep! My friend told me the same about taking advice. You said you spent your 20s figuring this out, we’ll I’m glad I’ve learned this lesson early at 20 because I’ve been given advice from several women that’s contradicts each other. I’m convinced that now I should take advice from women that have the lifestyle that I want that actively date, are in long term relationships, or are married.

  • bohunkbeast

    I prefer bumble because of the quality of women, but there are few black women on the site in my area. As a side note, I like to hint….