There was no book to teach me how to accomplish what I felt was wrong with much of what occurs when it comes to the sexual growth of young people. As a mother, I wanted what most all mothers want and that is to have an environment for my child that was better than the one available to me.
I believe that lessons and understanding are something that a person goes through throughout their life and that a person’s sexual growth is no different. All I could do was to teach her what I had learned and what I wished others had done for me. Of course, I expected there would be secrets and questions, but there was never a sure fire way to know that if what I was doing was the right thing.
She’s grown now, so how do I know I have raised a sexually aware young person, you ask?
I had a hint that I raised a sexually aware young person when I noticed that her left breast was developing smaller than her right and though I didn’t want to put too much focus on it, so as not to make her feel insecure, I did mention that if she would like her breast to be ‘fixed’, that she can consider plastic surgery later on when she’s an adult.
Symmetrically perfect breasts can be purchased, I tell her. She feigned insult and declined the thought because, as she told me “my breasts are fine the way they are.”
And so they are.
My challenge was to raise a sexually aware young person though my own sexual coming of age was only useful as the prototype of what I hoped wouldn’t happen to her. I hoped that would not be forced to learn about human sexual functions, the use of body parts, and her place as a woman in society from strangers who would attempt to mold her into what they think she should be, usually, all of which was significantly less than what she is.
I fought hard to avoid an environment where my daughter’s adolescence would be splattered with incidences of the need to barter her sexuality for her safety and survival in the same labyrinth of disregard that other young people must suffer though.
I pulled my carcass through that mine field so that she would not have to.
A healthy emotional and sexual existence cannot be found when young people are faced with constant incidences of adult lust and exploitation. Our society functions in such a way that it absolves discipline, respect and privacy from our sexual lives.
In its place are antiquated beliefs, misinformation and ignorance enforced by those who would remove the freedom of a person’s right to decide who, when, why, and if they will participate in a sexual life. I wanted more for her.
I’ve experienced the consistent assault and battery on my gender as a female and my choice in gender identity. There is no sense of self determination when young people’s ears are gorged with the shaming language of homophobic terms which are whispered, spat and projected into the conversation of your life in such a way as to display community disgust. After awhile you learn to go deaf on the self, you then learn to adjust your behavior, you decide to do what you can do “fit in”, and then the pretending begins. The sexual box is very constricted; I desired for there to be more space for us all to exist.
I wanted her to love her body in ways that I was only learning to grow to love my own. I encouraged her to do whatever made her happy in her own skin. We maneuvered clothing, hair styles and personal bathroom habits. She insisted I teach her to shave her legs before I thought it was necessary. It didn’t take long for me to figure out the mysteriously missing disposalable razor blades were the result of her deciding that SHE was ready to groom and so she did. She’s since learned every trick I know to having baby soft skin.
She now pulls away from me when I hug her and sniff her sweet smell, “Everyone says my skin is so soft and that I smell really good,” she teases as she runs off.
Though a tomboy, as I was, she always liked boys, and was quite assertive in her pursuit of them. Like her mother, she found the company of males to be more enjoying than the company of females. Teachers attempted to dissuade her from her male manner of dress and her persistent presence around boys since she first began attending school in Kindergarten.
I spent a lot of time visiting her teachers to request that they refrain from making any judgments, comments or other forms of ‘encouragement’ when it came to my daughter and her personal expression. I resented how easily everyone overstepped boundaries when it came to my daughter’s future potential sex life.
These early intrusions forced me to address issues of gender and sexuality with my daughter head on. It was impossible to avoid it with nearly anyone and everyone having something to say about what she may or may not do in her personal life in the next 10-15 years. They wanted to witch hunt my child’s gender but I would have no such thing.
Faced with the triad need to protect her self esteem, and the desire to defend her and anyone else’s personal privacy, while also making it a teaching moment for her and her teachers, I raged against the machine until they finally backed off of her.
She was too young to really comprehend what the issue was with her style of dress. Nevertheless, I still needed to explain to her the conflict and the reasons behind it, but I needed to be careful in my approach, because this had nothing to do with her and everything to do with societal bias and ignorance.
I resented their intrusion into her personal privacy and their desire to challenge her self determination.
Read this article in its entirety in the Orgasm Issue of Corset Magazine.
I started shaving my legs and private areas early too. My mom told me she thought it was unnecessary, but I felt it was very necessary I didn’t like being hairy.
I learned about sex when I was looking through the bible (even though I don’t believe it, I find it a very good book that I do respect very much), I forgot what part it was.
But other than that I searched google for different things, porn really wasn’t necessary for me to watch… not that I haven’t though, I found it very disturbing and fake… To me sex is not looked at as sensual… it’s very vulgar and that disappoints me, that’s why I don’t want a husband that watches porn..it’s something disturbing about it and how women are treated in the videos, my stomach turned when I seen the ads, the porn industry has NO respect for female sexuality.
I’m really not into having sex right now. I find myself wanting to learn more and more everyday, I like to know before I try, because to be honest kids really don’t know what they are doing… I don’t want to be lost and on top of that get an STD. I’ve been wanting to take BC just because (I actually HATE being on my period), but I think someone told me on here that it would be unnecessary if I’m not sexually active.
I really like learning about sex because I really don’t feel that you have to whore your self out to be good at sex or have a good sex life. I have had a LOT of girls tell me this, not whoring out but sleeping with a lot of guys.. for ‘practice.’ I feel that if I learn more, my first time won’t be terrible and awkward.
As for boob jobs. I don’t feel that it’s a bad thing.. It’s bad if your doing it to feel like more of a woman. Or you think it will make your life better. I personally would get one just so I think that I would look best with bigger boobs. But I wouldn’t get the hard looking fake ones, I can’t stand those. The same with nose jobs and/or hair removal/scar removal.. I wouldn’t lighten my skin though… all though I would in *some* places (does anyone hove issues with dark places around the knees and elbows!! I hate that!)
But anyway about the sex. I just really would rather learn! I hear yoga and exercise will help (of course exercise!) But I have trust issues and I CANNOT EVER just sleep with any old person.. I need that trust and security. And especially not with a guy who runs his mouth. Or talks about how he’s so good at sex!
I’m sorry about this long comment, I have just been pressured so many times and even excluded because I didn’t do certain things. It becomes really hard.
@Pearl Oh, baby girl, gimmie a hug!!! I adore you!! I don’t comment much because I really don’t see a real reason to but I do read your comments and learned that your a young person hanging out here with us mummies.
Your life is very different from hers, from my own and from your children’s lives. Learning about sex is very much a choice. I can’t tell you what’s the best way for you to learn other than for you to know how you see your sexual existence. The same as I would ask you to envision your professional life. SO MANY OPTIONS.
Sensuality, sexuality, the ability to turn into yourself and feed your ego, these are all things that happen before you even consider becoming a sexual being. Affection, temperament for touch, the need to please and the ways in which your recognize these actions are all your to determine.
My daughter is head strong, indeed, as intelligent as I would want her to be. Self determination kicks me in the arse from time to time, like when she chose to shave and how she now has two full sleeves of tattoos and candy apple red dreads locks.
There is a guy/guys or purple people eater for any type of relationship you could desire, knowing your have options is 80% of the battle. I know we’re winning when I come across cool, open minded young women like you!!
Not all porn is bad, there are so great women making porn though its not as prominent as the guy stuff. You’ll have to look..ONCE YOU TURN 18…..
@tracyreneejones
Thank you! It’s best to be your own person and make your own decision, it helps with so many things in life.
I think I have cut myself off from watching it EVER. I’ve been traumatized and heard very terrible things about the industry.
@Pearl I worked in the sex industry for over twenty years, it’s not a bad place any more so than the law firms or wall street corporations I’ve dealt with and it was less abusive than working at McDonald’s, the mall or any other place that involved young and/or urban people. Seriously, there is much to learn for all people, and many things considered acceptable when it comes to what turns you on and what is comfortable.
I found my first porn magazine at 8 and read it. Porn fed my curiosity about the behavior of people (I’m a social scientist..pls don’t tell). My first adult article was about the fetish of amputees.
I now contribute to the art of sexual representation because there aren’t enough of ‘us’ or variations. Please don’t give up entirely, I’m making cool stuff for you to ponder at a later date and time, I promise.
🙂
@tracyreneejones
Oh okay, well everything I seen was nauseating for me. But I will look into it.. WHEN I’M OLDER! LOL
Thank you for telling me this Tracy, it’s like a reminder to keep an open mind about certain things!
@tracyreneejones Co-sign … from an older male, occasional porn watcher – 98% of it is unimaginative, exploitive and routine … but that 2%, when found, is sexy AND beautiful.
I’ll take my teaching-tips whenever and wherever I can find them.
@Pearl In terms of the pill, don’t take internet forum advice when it comes to that. Talk to your GP. If you want to be on it just to regulate your cycle, by all means look into it. Granted, putting hormones into your system can possibly affect you adversely. I personally have never been on the pill because I have a lot of sensitivities and didn’t want to risk throwing off my body’s balance, but any use of birth control is going to be an personal choice, and it doesn’t matter what you’re using it for.
If you’re worried about hormones, I would recommend the Paraguard IUD. A lot of people believe that you can’t get an IUD if you haven’t had a child, but that’s a myth. Prior to 2005 the only research done on IUDs was done on women who only had one child, so the companies that made the IUDs, by FDA regulation, had to state that they did not recommend it for “nulliparous” or childless women. However, now, it is shown that it doesn’t matter. Women who have not given birth do tend to have smaller cervixes, and that may have a some influence on how the device is inserted, but not much. Many women use IUDs to help regulate and lessen the flow of their periods. However, sometimes it does work the opposite way and makes your period heavier. Again, something to talk to your doctor about.
Also, in this day and age, it’s unlikely that you’ll find a man who does not or has not watched porn. Although porn is having an effect on how young people are developing their sexuality, and their expectation of nudity, it tends to even out in adulthood. Most men know better than to expect a woman to do anything they’ve seen on a computer screen, and it’s left strictly in the realm of fantasy. This isn’t the greatest analogy, but I fantasize about being in a relationship with Chris Hemsworth, but I’m not ever going to ask whoever I’m dating to grow their hair, dye it blond, spend 10 hours a day in the gym, and talk to me in an Australian accent. I keep Chris in the realm of fantasy.
All this to say, don’t worry about porn. And don’t worry if you’re future husband or partner watches porn. In the bedroom, you two will know each other well enough to discuss what is and is not acceptable, and it is highly unlikely that he’ll be thinking about any porn star on a monitor when you’re right there in front of him.
And lastly, you are right on about trust and security. Being secure with yourself and your partner is one of the best parts of intimacy. Lack of trust can totally warp the whole situation. So keep on doing what you’re doing, and don’t worry about what anyone else is thinking. And keep learning as much as you can! When you do find the right person, communicate. Just talk your head off about it, so that you’re both on the same page.
You have such a good head on your shoulders though, I’m positive you’ll be fine.
@Veron Thank you so much Veron! I don’t like having my period all that much, and I heard taking BC will lessen it to 3 times a year.. I think on a Yaz commercial. The hormones scare me, I don’t really like the feelings I had when I was on BC.. I wasn’t even sure what kind it was.. which was a big mistake in the first place.
Maybe I am thinking to much about the porn, it’s just really really disturbing to me! LOL
Trust is a huge issue for me, I don’t want to be crying under someone… who really could give a sh*t about me or my feelings.
Sexuality especially for women has been a longterm battle. The past phobias about women’s bodies and sex have frightened men (through religion) to demonize women and their sexuality. This influence still continues today despite the available information through reputable sources on sex and sexuality. I have to say that even in my 30’s I am still trying to find straight forward information on women and sexuality. My parents had never mentioned anything at all regarding the issue so my exposures were by change through finding naked women’s magazine (that the men had) or accidentally walking into a room of guys watching porn and was so confused why they all become so anxious about me seeing what was on the tv. I still find that incident funny even today.
In my blog I do sometimes focus on sex and sexuality; howerver, I address the issue from a christian perspective and use body parts appropriate words to address specifics. The fear and loathing about something so natural has given men and especially women misinformation which has led them to looking for answers in all the wrong places and with the wrong people. I think it’s wonderful that you are addressing the issue with your daughter. These days everyone is bombarded with sex and sexuality at such a young age that it is imperitive to provide good information and a safe place to talk for the young people.
Note: I remember reading an articulate of a mother who talked explicitly to her teenage daughter about oral sex because she started engaging in that activity with her boyfriend. It was very funny to read the comments about how inappropriate the mother was and it was TMI to her daughter. The fear of talking about (not doing) sex is still out there. People only want to have the conversation after the fact and even then it’s still an embarrassing topic
There is a saying in my culture…….its the quiet ones that are the “sly”ones. The people get really suprised when the kids tell them that they are pregnant! Its really the mothers who dont give their girl children enough solid info about sex and sexual development that are to blame. In the end if parents in the black community dont know any better themselves or are kids both mentaly and physically how can they do or teach better?
There is a saying in my culture…….its the quiet ones that are the “sly”ones. The people get really suprised when the kids tell them that they are pregnant! Its really the mothers who dont give their girl children enough solid info about sex and sexual development that are to blame. In the end if parents in the black community dont know any better themselves or are kids both mentally and physically how can they do or teach better?
I learned about sex from two places: school and my friends. Luckily for me, I had good friends that looked out and protected me from my naive tail.
Sex can be taught, sensuality however, is developed. You can be sensual without being sexual. A girl can look at her changing body and not be ashamed of it or think that these parts are just for the pleasure of men. You are a woman, who’s crook of her arm is just as arousing as her nether regions. You are more than just walking entry points. Unfortunately, that is not being taught.
Very good presentation and fascinating comments. Nothing else; I have zero expertise and minimal competence with the subject matter.