If I Prioritize Getting Married, Will That Make Me Look Desperate?

 Islandgirl Those same hard-core feminists were about 49.99% to blame for the breakup of my first marriage - for quite a while, before becoming a Quaker, I had daydreams of these selfsame people, still espousing their 'battery-operated boyfriend' and screeching 'death-before-patriarchy' well into demented old age in the feminist's nursing home.

As a practicing Quaker, I can see that of God in all ... but some are more difficult to deal with than others.  I hope the fish is still peddling the bicycle, hard, fast and long!

 SirLoinDeBeef I'm considering wherever there is a job!  I really want to be near water though. 

The Republicans are right: America has gone to h-e-double hockey sticks when *I'm* considered an Anglo.  (Just kidding!)

 Jamila  SirLoinDeBeef HAHAHA fan of Glozell on youtube---aitch- ee double-hockey- sticks--i dont think they'll think your 'anglo' LOL

 ChristieRJohnson RE: Your mother and father

I once asked an older black woman why she had taken so long to get married. (She had actually spent 17 years playing mistress to a married man, but I digress) She told me that she never knew anyone who was happily married, so she figured, why get married if I'm just going to be unhappy too? 

 Jamila Khadija continues to drop knowledge.  I am glad that she is out there.  Women are listening and are acting. Not all will get the message or will act however.  Not all can or want to but for the ones who want better there is a path to follow.  One just has to start out by putting one for in front of the other.

 Pearl You crack me up!

 Pearl "People think about the future tooooo much. Live NOW, act on how you feel NOW."

Awww, I remember when I was young enough to think like this. Those were the days...

 Pearl  Jamila Some things must be planned.

My latest conversation: ForumPress

 Pearl " There's a time limit on those thoughts?"

Yes, there definitely is. But don't let me ruin this special phase in your life when we all get our chance to think/feel that way. 

My advice: Enjoy it while it lasts. 

 Jamila  Pearl It's those who are present in the moment that are the most successful in the long run.  Planning is great, and necessary when making goals.  In fact, one of my favorite quotes is "A goal without a plan is nothing but a wish". But another one of my favorite quotes is "Alright with the planning, start with the doing." Getting too wrapped up in the future does absolutely take away from the present which is the ONLY time when things can get done, and when goals can be worked toward.  Like everything, it's about balance.

There's only a time limit on proactive thought if you put a time limit on it.

 Aabaakawad  Pearl  Jamila Pearl, I think you have the right idea in terms of enjoying where you are now and living whatever moment you're in to the fullest. However, there are PLENTY of people in bad situations (or not ideal situations) right now because they never put any kind of thought into how their current decisions would affect their futures. I've seen this a lot where some younger woman will stay with a boyfriend and treat him like he's the only love she'll ever have. Then she'll get pregnant and he's gone within a year.

Then she realizes how silly she was to be so caught up in "the moment" that she didn't think about how staying with that particular man would end up changing the entire direction of her life... and then that man she cared about soooo much wasn't even around a year later.

That's an extreme example, I know, but less extreme examples can delay certain dreams and goals because one was too busy living in the moment and not looking forward to the long-term goal.

 Veron  Pearl "It's those who are present in the moment that are the most successful in the long run. "

Being present is the moment is an entirely different notion than not planning for such moments to occur. 

Being aware and enjoying life will hardly even be possible without some degree of planning. 

I think it's important to be AWARE, but this is entirely different from an attitude of "all that matters is right now, what will be will be" 

 Pearl  Aabaakawad  Jamila It's not always about making bad choices though. Using Jamila's example, let's explore something else.

It's not a bad decision if Jamila decided to stay on campus for her MBA program. That's actually a good decision and a good thing. BUT, if Jamila is thinking about getting married soon, it actually wouldn't be all that wise for her to stay on campus because the likelihood of meeting a marriage-minded man in her age range is smaller than it would be if she moved to a bigger city and did her degree online.

But... a lot of people would probably tell Jamila that "what will happen will happen" and that she should just stay on campus or that she shouldn't make her educational plans based on the possibility of meeting a man because "he could find her anywhere."

So... in this case, if Jamila just acted on how she felt NOW (she likes the campus, she likes her professors), she could delay her marriage goals to the point where she's jeopardizing her ability to have kids and her ability to get the type of guy she wants while she's in a prime dating age. So Jamila is making a decision on what's best for later, not on what she might feel now.

I did the same thing actually... I had opportunities to switch jobs to something more prestigious and probably more fun, but I know it would have made my marriage prospects worse (it was not a family-friendly job). So I didn't act on what I wanted now, but on what would be best for the long-term future.

Does that make a little more sense?

 Pearl See, this is why you're by baby sister in my head. You betta werk! LOL!

 Veron You've made me want to read the book. 

 Veron "Jane Eyre" is one of my favorite books.  Now she was a woman who knew what she wanted...

 Karla Mine too! She didn't budge one bit either. The way she got ticked/pissy at him for assuming she would take anything less....classic!

 AleeL 

"Men often become disinterested in women who show they are too relationship-oriented"

GREAT ... Very efficient filter. Next!!

Would you rather spend 6mos with each guy before you found out?

My latest conversation: ForumPress

 Aabaakawad 

I'd rather a guy not become disinterested. But alas.

 But he won't necessarily stay interested either if you play it cool either...

I think one can balance her expressions of interest in relationships and marriage to not give the impression that you're trying to marry HIM next month. But hey, I've dropped many a man who couldn't quite figure out what they wanted after three months or who said from the beginning that they were just "seeing what's out there."

AleeL  Aabaakawad 

 Bunny77  Aabaakawad 

"But he won't necessarily stay interested either if you play it cool either..."

Right.

So you lose either way. ; )

 AleeL  Aabaakawad No you don't!  :D  There's nothing more satisfying than kicking a dude to the curb because he wants to take things at turtle pace and keep his options open. Sorry dude, I am not the one and you are NOT that special... so be gone!

Ooh, they don't like it when you show that you couldn't care less about them and that you are so confident that you will find better that you tell them to kick rocks!

 AleeL

I'd like to share a thought shared by "Ruthless Compassion" off of FaceBookhttp://www.facebook.com/pages/Ruthless-Compassion-Institute/121541431101 :"'It's easy for a woman to think that when a man dumps her, it's always b/c she's undesirable or b/c she's done something wrong. Well, maybe not. Maybe he left because he sees in her someone who won't let him get away with the games he wants to play. She might just be too smart & too strong, & he might realize that there's no point in even trying to pull the wool over her eyes. Women, think twice before blaming yourself for every break-up. Maybe there's nothing wrong with who you are or what you did. Maybe it's not about you."

My latest conversation: Is Rice Our New "Canary In The Coal Mine" ???

 Leona_LoveQuest "When I was your age I just assumed I'd meet someone in my day to day life like other people do, but I didn't."

That's the same way I felt for the longest time--when it's time for it to happen then it will happen. But that hasn't been the case for me, and as I look around I realize that it isn't the case for many people. 

 Jamila  Leona_LoveQuest

 It's really interesting to read that you two have thought that; I've been in the same boat, & it seems that I woke up one day and figured out that no one I was interested in was anywhere within reach.  In an effort to be a little more proactive at meeting someone, or atleast exploring, I'm 'attempting' the online thing, which I've mentioned before isn't going so well, but I know it's sometimes an investment.  I'm just more aware of myself and this particular goal now more than ever, and I feel that I will meet that special someone one day.  Funny thing is, I can tell that my clock is ticking, but I'm still committed to not settling for anyone who I feel is not for me.  I took the advice of some of you all's postings and signed up for Meetup.com; I haven't taken the time to explore the site extensively, but from what I can tell, it seems like a solid place.

 Jamila  Leona_LoveQuest You know, I think that advice worked fine in an era where you pretty much had to be married or be a social outcast, but folks don't truly realize that times have changed OR they think that because they happened to meet their husband at 22, that every woman will. They've never even really had to date much in their lives and have NO IDEA what it's like to be a single adult.

Not that I want to go back to the past, but most men and women were looking for spouses back then because there really wasn't a way to live as a single person without consequences. Men couldn't find women to just hang out with, have as FWBs, cook and clean for them, etc., unless they married. Most women couldn't support themselves on just their own salary for the rest of their lives. So, when a man and woman met in their day-to-day lives, it was much more likely that one of those meetings would lead to marriage, because they both needed to be married at some point (and usually before their late 20s.)

I mean, in my 20s, I met a lot of men in my everyday life. Some I passed up. Some passed me up. Some had a great connection with me and vice-versa, but they decided "they just didn't want a relationship right now." (Ugh, that's always maddening.) So it's not about just meeting someone, it's about meeting the person with whom you're compatible AND hoping he's at a point in his life where he is ready for a relationship possibly leading to marriage. And then, he could have kids, a record, etc... that complicates things!

So yes, a lot of women today HAVE to make an effort or marriage won't happen. We live in a world of choices, and when many (men and women) are choosing to either delay marriage or not marry at all, it means we have to cast our nets wider than just hoping to meet someone in our day to day life. I know you all understand that, but this message is more for those who still might feel bad about being proactive in finding a mate.

 Veron "But I don't think that all women who state that they don't prioritize marriage are lying to themselves or just pretending so that they can be cool."

I agree with. I think some women truly just don't want to get married. But I also think that many women are laboring under the false assumption that there is something wrong with plainly admitting that she wants to be get married. 

I also think certain segments of the feminist-osphere have done a good job of convincing women that its not cool to want to be in a relationship more than you want to be a singleton. 

 Jamila And this is one of the main reason that I was attracted to BWE or BWE-style blogs... they are some of the few sources of information for BW that actually treat marriage as a normal and EXPECTED goal that should be part of one's life trajectory. I never could put my finger on it until I discovered the BWE writers, but the discussions of relationships among many forward-thinking black women that I admired (and still do) often seemed very... asexual? 

I mean that in the sense that many of these women -- often in their late 30s/early 40s -- simply acted as if marriage was a non-existent factor for them. It's one thing to simply be uninterested and some women really aren't, but I don't think the majority of women, BW included, are truly disinterested in marriage. They might not see it as a legitimate possibility and thus choose not to speak much of it, but to be completely disinterested in it? I don't think that's the case.

I just never understood how one could have a true discussion about the breadth and depth of their lives and completely leave marriage out of that discussion. We can talk physical appearance, spirituality, finances, education, career goals, extended family, etc., but marriage is either pooh-poohed or totally glossed over as a discussion topic (except to say something pithy like, "if it happens, it happens.")

Come on, something's wrong there.

 Jamila "I also think certain segments of the feminist-osphere have done a good job of convincing women that its not cool to want to be in a relationship more than you want to be a singleton."

Yes, this is definitely an issue, which is part of the problem with aggressive feminism. I do appreciate and ascribe to aspects of feminism, as in I don't think women are their wombs, and I don't want to go back to the 1940s, but femi-nazis have turned female empowerment into a competition with men that is all together unnecessary. It promotes promiscuity, not just among women, but among men as well, which is far from the answer to fair and equal treatment between the genders. The "I don't need anybody" attitude should really be trashed.

  I wish that the message was more along the lines of "love yourself while your single just as much as you'd love yourself while in a relationship." Singledom and coupledom would be better for it.

 Karla "I am living a happy, harmonious and serene life right now"

That is a beautiful way to describe your life.  I feel much the same about my own and want that for every woman participating on this vlog. It is within the power of each person to make that happen for him and herself.

 Brenda55 So true!

 Brenda55  Karla

 Brenda thanks for the silent prayer to all of us single women...I have to admit it's SO hard meeting a nice, marriage  minded man even in a big city like Philadelphia; well;; especially for women over a certain age. So, Brenda if you know of any nice WM please send them my way.

 Bren82 Yeah, I wish women would stop acting like the biological clock is a dirty word. It exists, and the older I get, the more I realize it exists for darn good reason too... despite women saying it's "unfair." It's not, sorry to say!

In my case, I always knew that I wanted to have biological children with my husband. Now, if that wasn't possible for reasons beyond our control (health, etc.), adoption was certainly an option that would be explored. BUT, I resented it when people would say that one could "always adopt" or be a stepmother to a husband's children from a previous marriage. Again, if that's what you want, cool... but the idea that these should be presented as equally desirable options because you "aged out" of having biological children is just bothersome to me.

(And no, this is not an indictment of adoption at all. Adoption is a beautiful thing. I am just saying that adoption as Plan A is often presented to unmarried BW in particular to shut them up when they present concern about having children before the biological clock strikes midnight.)

But of course, so many BW are placated by hearing that "they'll get married eventually." Yeah, maybe so, but getting married for the first time at age 45 was NOT a desirable option to me at all, and truth be told, I don't think most women find that a desirable option either.