Is Your Career Leading You to a Man Mecca or a Mirage?

Is Your Career Leading You to a Man Mecca or a Mirage?

Every so often one of the ladies here says they are not meeting non-black men who are interested in dating them. Now those ladies have a hint as to why that may be so: you work for the Department of Health and Human Services while many of the men you should be dating are working at Deloitte and Touche.

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Author : Jamila Akil

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Black women are not working where the eligible men are also working. The result: black women have fewer opportunities for ‘dating, mating, and relating’ (hat tip to Chris for the phrase) men who are interested in the same. The result of the result? Black women have lower rates of marriage, in part because of our career choices.

From Opting Out by Maya A. Beasley:

Bowen and Bok’s seminal work on the life experiences and life outcomes of college adults at elite universities (1998) shows that African American and white students occupy career sectors in very different proportions. For example, while 76 percent of the white male graduates they tracked were working in the private sector, only 67 percent of black men and 48 percent of black men did so.  Instead, African American graduates were disproportionately working in government or non-profit sectors–34 percent of black men and 52 percent of black women relative to 24 percent white men and 39 percent of white women.

Every so often one of the ladies here says they are not meeting non-black men who are interested in dating them. Now those ladies have a hint as to why that may be so: you work for the Department of Health and Human Services while many of the men you should be dating are working at Deloitte and Touche.

If you’re trying to catch fish, go where the fish are jumping. If your trying to catch a man, go where the men are working.

 

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candielady357 84 pts

This just one way to meeting eligible men. You have to travel, expand your interests, take up new hobbies, read everything, go to different restaurants, expand your social circle, hang out at museums, go to different movies,(like independent films), take a class in something, whatever. Develop a sense of wonder. Meeting non-black men (excuse me, but I find the term, 'rain beau' a tad strange) will take a bit more work, but it will be worth it.
Let me also point out that some of us are working for ourselves at home, so the opportunity to meet anyone is not there unless I go outside. I've met guys everywhere so I would say to the ladies out there that perhaps your career and where you work is fine, and that branching out a little better in other aspects in your life might be in order.

Bunny77 1019 pts

Hi candielady357... you bring up a good point about working at home. My last job had a lot of home based work (and travel as well). While this seems like a great thing, it actually put me out of circulation and I had to do more to meet men (of any race) because I didn't have a natural group of co-workers who might be attending parties, events, etc., where I could meet more men. And sometimes, yes, it is good to meet someone at the office. My home office had quite a few marriages result from people who met there... but of course, I was out of that loop. candielady357

AJ2011 750 pts

candielady357 "This just one way to meeting eligible men. You have to travel, expand your interests, take up new hobbies, read everything, go to different restaurants, expand your social circle, hang out at museums, go to different movies,(like independent films), take a class in something, whatever. Develop a sense of wonder. Meeting non-black men (excuse me, but I find the term, 'rain beau' a tad strange) will take a bit more work, but it will be worth it."

I can't cosign this. Black women aren't socially retarded, at least not to the point where having a civil exchange with a man, who isn't black, requires a membership at the MET. In a way you've stereotyped black women as ignorant and isolated. If I've misread than please correct, but I don't think I have.

Marcie 256 pts

Im a RN so its mostly female dominated but loads of hot dishy rainbeaus....sadly most of them are all ready taken since post registration or in steady relationships. So for me its a career choice leading to a man mirage.

Marcie 256 pts

meant to write loads of hot dishy rainbeaus but in other medical/social fields like doctors, physical therapist, etc.

LovingMyself 193 pts

You're spot on with this article. I've noticed this. It's funny because I actually live by a Deloitte office. Come lunch hour the streets and restaurants are flooded with men in suits. It is very much male-dominated with a sprinkle of women. Not work that interests me, but for those interested, it's a viable option.

ValleyOfTheSun 41 pts

For the foreseeable future, STEM fields are a great place to be. From experience, you will never be starved for male company or employment opportunities with a degree in computer science.

AkiAnpan 8 pts

Soooo, a sociology major is a no go? :3

AJ2011 750 pts

AkiAnpan Depends on what you plan to do with it. You could easily turn that knowledge into your own research firm. India, China, Brazil, Kenya, and South Africa have growing middle classes and how they see themselves in their respective societies translate into consumer dollars. I'd say add a language to your credentials. I'm learning Portuguese. Brazil would be nice but I'll take Cape Verde and even Angola because I could teach at their universities too.

AkiAnpan 8 pts

AJ2011 Thanks for the response! I actually meant to write more in my initial comment ,but, I messed up by posting while registering. I know I have options, even more so than just soc. research and what not. I am learning a few languages too! (Spanish and Japanese) I just worry that I'll end up with some kind of social service job that black women tend to fall into.

I'm a lurker, btw. Hello you guys~! I'm 22, a junior in college, and this spring semester is my first time actually being away from home (I transferred from a community college/staying at home & commuting). I've also never dated. No, I am not trolling. よろしく。

kimvannie 11 pts

AkiAnpan check out the JET Programme, you can be an assistant teacher of English here in Japan

AJ2011 750 pts

AkiAnpan Hell Japan it is!! No seriously you're ahead of the game. Just keep thinking big.

Tiffany315 190 pts

AJ2011AkiAnpan Hey, AJ2011, I'm learning Portuguese as well. I made it to intermediate level after using LiveMocha and Mango Languages. I'm currently looking for websites and books that cover intermediate and advanced-level vocabulary and speech.

AJ2011 750 pts

Tiffany315 I almost went the Rosetta Stone route but I wanted this one school on my transcript (and later resume) so I go to 2 schools right now. I just started last week. Thanks for the info, I need all the help I can get.

R. Kamaria 286 pts

Interesting take. I work at an urban university and 60% of the employees are white. There probably are only 20% Black and 20% Other (Mostly Asian and about 40 Latinos). My friends swore there would be lots of eligible men there. Ummmm... NOT. Most are married or gay (no, I'm not exaggerating). Additionally, the other eligible dudes are over 45. I have yet to meet younger, mature, mildly attractive men that are not students. Perhaps the fact that the last two companies I worked for happen to be in private and public education may be contributing to there not being many single dudes around. But alas, I have to accept that I live in a crappy state for dating. Once I get over the fact that I probably won't find a suitable mate in Michigan, I may be able to find someone.

AJ2011 750 pts

Jamila, Jamila, Jamila. You are just AWESOME!

When I was in the military I worked in male-dominated rate. There were few blacks, let alone women, in my rate-Karla'll confirm this (Hi Karla!). After the military I stayed in the skilled trades for another 4 years. The men I dated in this period were my colleagues; highly skilled techs and engineers. I took the sales route after that and while the work was fun and the money was good, I didn't experience the same professional satisfaction and my dating dynamics changed. Sales was the professional destination for blacks and women in my company-I went from Senior Systems Technician to Sales Rep in the same company. The money was better by the Quarter but long term, I would have made more if I stayed in Operations and that's before a promotion. I'm in school to be a City Planner, you can guess the student profile for the major.....:)

Jamila 2819 pts

AJ2011 "I'm in school to be a City Planner, you can guess the student profile for the major.....:)"

Yep, I know! I'm interested in this field myself and I was speaking on this board with another woman who said she was finishing up her masters in this field.

Sales and Operations are great sectors to be also.

No offense to anyone here: customer service and human resources divisons are known for being dead-ends career wise if you are seeking to advance up the ladder. Middle and upper management employees almost always come from sales, operations, or management in some other division of the company.

AJ2011 750 pts

Jamila Is she still around? I'd love to pick her brain.

Jamila 2819 pts

AJ2011 I hope so, but unfortunately I can't remember her screen name. She was in a graduate program.

Pearl 2251 pts

Well I don't know about me working in major companies and things like that, its just not something I want to do. But that doesn't mean I won't have a high achieving husband though. :-D

Rosie S 794 pts

Pearl I think just realizing that BW tend to self-segregate is important. I've seen this when I was younger, BM hang out with other groups, but the BW would group together. I'm happy that mentality is slowly dying.

Pearl 2251 pts

Rosie S I am totally against self-segregating. I plan to live my life as fully as I can with no limits whatsoever. And when I think about it I never did, I always did things other black girls didn't do, and I had friends from different ethnic backgrounds. I had a friend from Africa. I went to my friends Censinyetas (is that how you spell it ? lol). I just like having friends and don't care where their from and what they look like.

Rosie S 794 pts

Pearl You mena Quinceanera (Hispanic-sweet 15)?

Pearl 2251 pts

Rosie S YES that lol Thank you

AJ2011 750 pts

PearlRosie S My oldest god daughter's Quinceanera was beautiful (and expensive). She looked like a little bride. Her sister's isn't for another 7 years. I should make a full recovery by then. Most of my personal exposure to diversity was through my church and then the military. I did enjoy my "black" past times and having black friends to do them with. Double-Dutch, hand games, freeze-tag. There was no internet back then.

Pearl 2251 pts

AJ2011Rosie S I liked playing those games too lol. I grew up in a Hispanic neighborhood so, there wasn't a lot of that. I went to school in a different city (where all the minority kids would have to take the bus to get to school) and there would be black girls there who played those games...

Pearl 2251 pts

AJ2011Rosie S I can't double-dutch for my life. lol

Rosie S 794 pts

PearlAJ2011 You arent the only one...

LovingMyself 193 pts

PearlRosie SAJ2011 Another non-double-dutcher here. I was regulated to turning the rope, but couldn't do that either because I was "double-handed." Still have no clue what that means, lol.

Pearl 2251 pts

LovingMyselfRosie SAJ2011 i just stood there.. I was more of a hand-ball, volley ball girl lol

LovingMyself 193 pts

PearlRosie SAJ2011 Lol, I just stood there too. Except I was wishing dodgeball was a professional sport.

Pearl 2251 pts

LovingMyselfRosie SAJ2011 Oh how could I forget dodgeball lol

dani-BBW 367 pts

Completely agree. I am a CPA; I have worked at a major accounting firm and currently work at a bank owned by a large financial institution. I also had a variety of financially focused internships while in college. Between co-workers, consultants, vendors, etc I cross paths with educated eligible rainbeaus every day.

VintageNarcissa 923 pts

Being a journalist with an interest in new media, the majority of the opportunities I have or will have are dominated by white/rainbow men. Some white dude is establishing a start up company everyday here in New York. There are plenty of opportunities. At my last few jobs/internships I worked with a lot of non-black men. None of them really peaked my fancy, but it was nice to be in the environment, you know. To get to know how to act around these men and relate to these men. I'm no longer single, and I didn't meet my boyfriend at work. But who knows, maybe I can set one of my friends up. ^.^

ForestElfQueen 2112 pts

VintageNarcissa "...I'm no longer single, and I didn't meet my boyfriend at work. But who knows, maybe I can set one of my friends up. ^.^"

yes, i think we all need to have matchmmaking as a hobby! :D lolz. my husband thinks i'm weird but i'm determined to make at least one match before i croak. haha

Luna Noire 396 pts

ForestElfQueen said: "yes, i think we all need to have matchmmaking as a hobby!" I think that's exactly right. We all need to help a sista out if we can in that regard, lord knows that there are a lot of BW that deserve some happiness in their relationships. Now if only we can make sure it's a good match and they actually get the happiness part of the deal...

VintageNarcissa 923 pts

ForestElfQueen So serious! My boyfriend and I have been trying to set up various friends since we got together! And not just my black female friends either. It's so, well not funny but just interesting that there is so much focus on black women being single. Stats be damned, I know a ton of white, hispanic, Asian girls who are single and complaining that they are single. I can honestly say that right now I am the only one of my friends who's in a relationship right now. When they were in relationships, I wasn't and they were most likely the only one in a relationship. It doesn't matter what your race or what you do to try and get one, it's really tough to not just find a relationship but a good one. The way I met my boyfriend was definitely one of those exceptions to the rule, so I can say that it does happen. But I want to see all of my friends in happy relationships and if I could take credit for it, I'd never let them forget it, lololol.

blackpanthershay 284 pts

ForestElfQueenVintageNarcissa I love matchmaking...how do we make it happen?

Luna Noire 396 pts

Sorry for not linking those two better, but hopefully everyone can connect those two comments in the right sequence.

I always get that "You have the exceeded the limit" message if I try to post anything over, say, 10 sentences long.

Luna Noire 396 pts

The sequence makes far more sense if you click on the "sort" option at the top of the comments to see the oldest comments first, and then the rest in descending order.

Again, apologies to everyone that my two-part comment is so all over the place, and so disjointed.

Luna Noire 396 pts

CONTINUED:

So dating out is her goal, and that is definitely not happening where she works or where she lives. But she is definitely not going to get a different job or move to a different part of the country, either. Of course, the immediate response is "She should try online dating", but that isn't working, either - the closest guy (geographically) that she's had an interest in that was also interested in her was in Dallas, and I thought he was kind of sketchy anyway, But it didn't matter, because he said that distance wasn't going to work for him anyway.

Now I know you don't have the answer to this, and neither do I, but what is a woman like that supposed to do? The chances are very poor she is going to bump into Mr. Right at work or shopping at the grocery. There are almost no white guys where she works or lives that are interested in dating a beautiful, educated (M.S. degree) black women in her 30's. Online dating has been a huge bust. Meanwhile the clock is ticking. So is her biological clock.

Other than, "Be patient, keep looking everywhere and keep flirting", there's nothing else I can tell her. How many thousands of black women are in the same unenviable position as her? I feel for her, I really do.

Mel_woman 34 pts

Luna Noire I'm not an advocate of the the move to another state/country, change careers, go online, or meet him randomly at Whole Foods/Farmer's market to date IR. Though it works for some, it's not realistic for many bw to depend mainly on these strategies. What about social events? Does your cousin have any hobbies/interests that could help her to meet men directly ? Has she tried meetup.com to search for events?

Luna Noire 396 pts

Mel_woman - I have to hand it to her; she's tried all of that and more. She takes online courses (with online study groups!) for another Masters Degree, she still does online dating, she goes on cruises, etc. She visited me here in the MVA area this past summer, and got asked out on three dates in two weeks. One of those guys still asks about her, he's a real good guy, but he's not going to drive all the way down to SC for another date, know what I mean?

Now she's going to come visit me this summer (2012) for a whole month. Maybe that will be enough time to start a serious relationship, IDK. Hey, it's happened before.

Luna Noire 396 pts

Correction, not MVA area; DMV area (large metro area around DC, which includes parts of MD and VA).

Mel_woman 34 pts

Luna Noire Where did your cousin go in the area to get those dates when she visited you? (I'm in the DMV area as well).

Luna Noire 396 pts

She went with me to all of the places I go around Silver Spring and Takoma Park and DC - friend's houses for drinks and dinner, AFI Theatre, Kennedy Center, farmer's market, the Safeway, etc. Regular stuff, but I was the wingwoman, LOL. Oh yeah, and we went to a jazz club in Annapolis where one of the date requests happened. The other two happened when friends of friends met her at the drinks/dinner thing at somebody's house.

She's my cuz, so I tamped down my inate tendency to keep to myself and tried to give her some exposure. Itwas hard, though. It's hard being that social!

Bunny77 1019 pts

Luna, you bring up a GREAT question and, as you said, it's one that thousands of BW are facing everyday. And I absolutely deplore how many people seem to pooh-pooh the idea of a woman's biological clock and her desire to have children (if she has that desire)... the common answer to this seems to be to ignore the fertility issue and just say, "Most black women eventually marry." Yeah, whatever...

I would give a different piece of advice in addition to yours... I guess my question would be, how badly does she really want this? I know she has a great job and doesn't want to move very far, but again, how badly does she want this? Careers and places of living can become golden handcuffs, so to speak. It's such a Catch-22 for women in their 30s -- they usually have built up a nice life and career for themselves by this point, but it's that same life and career that might be keeping them tethered to singleness as well. I know that was the case for me. And I read a lot of articles by mostly white women in their late 30s/early 40s who are very regretful that they missed out on their chance for children with a husband because they never married. Most of these white women are journalists who live in New York City -- but never once did I get the impression that leaving New York City for a more fertile place for marriage (Midwest/South) crossed their minds. Not saying it would have worked, but were they willing to compromise their current lifestyles for marriage and family? Do they regret perhaps not doing so earlier on?I am not saying that your cousin has to pack up and move now, but say she meets a nice guy who's somewhat long distance (can she date in North Carolina or Georgia?). Say it goes somewhere and he has the better job and he'd like her to move (after marriage, of course). Would she do it? Is she thinking in that realm already?

Luna Noire

Bunny77 1019 pts

I'm speaking from my own experience, as I dated my husband long-distance (a four-hour drive) and we lived in different states. When we had discussions about marriage, we ultimately came to the agreement that I would move, simply because he had the more stable career (and higher salary). So now I live in his state. I haven't regretted the move for one minute... however, there were a lot of women (never men) who were just shocked that I, this professional career woman with a seemingly great job, just gave it all up for a man! Maybe they were even more shocked because BW aren't supposed to do that... well, you know, since we've gotta make sure we have our own and never depend on a man and all (sarcasm). Some white women gave me shade too and said they would have neeeever done all that for a man (never mind that these were divorced WW with children saying this... so they had already been there, done that). The thing is, even before I met my husband, I knew I was ready to make that move, if possible, because I did feel the clutches of the golden handcuffs. Yes, I had a great life, house and career, but those things were keeping me stuck... and since nothing was changing in my relational life, then why should I keep holding on to those things if they ultimately were holding me back from love?

Whatever your cousin decides, she has to figure out how badly she really wants marriage and family and what she's willing to do for it... yes, it sucks she can't just find a man right there in SC and settle down with him, but it is what it is, and she has to work with the cards she's dealt right now. So how is she going to play them? I'd have different advice if she was a bit younger, but if she's in her 30s (late or early?), she's gotta start pulling some triggers NOW.

Luna Noire

Rosie S 794 pts

Bunny77Luna Noire

I'm just curious, were you able to find a new job where you live now?