A very interesting conversation came to pass when I created this meme and distributed throughout our social media pages.
There were a few quotes that stood out to me that we should discuss.
“They were always free. They lacked the courage of their convictions like The Lovings.”
“I’m sorry but they were always free. We’re living in a white man’s world, they set the laws, the tone etc…for nearly everything. They lacked courage and the cojones. Edited and added: [(NOT ALL WHITE MEN)] don’t mean to be rude…js…”
Here’s the truth of it: The average Joe living in Alabama in 1950 who loved the cute country girl did NOT have the power as an individual to change laws and social hierarchies that were established before he was even born. Tom is Mississippi did not have the power to NOT get fired from his job for having a black wife and half-black kids at home. Jimmy-Joe did not have the power to keep the Klu Klux Klan from burning crosses on his lawn for being a “n*gger lover.” Individual white men did not have any special powers to magically make all that stuff go away. But often there’s this judgement and lack of historical contextualizing black women engage in whenever we have these discussions.
A lot of times, black women expect one man to conquer the world and give up everything and risk everyone’s life with constant stress of being victimized by people who are against him, and if he doesn’t choose that, he’s a cowardly piece of shit.
When I bring up the FACT that black women were also terrified of making the leap to love across color lines, historical context and justifications are given. But…not for that white individual white man, who should have offered to leave his family, be disowned, fired and black balled from his job, risk his freedom and life, and with no income, no family, an arrest recorded and possible gun shot wounds, would walk off into the sunset with his black female mate and live off nothing but sunshine and air.
Anyone who brings up The Lovings as an example of a man who risked everything for the love of his wife is using the exception that proves the rule.
So Kendall Goes In…
Kendall, who pulls no punches when it comes to telling it like it T-I-IS said this. It needed to be said, and those wise enough should take heed.
I’m about to say some shit. Im kind of annoyed at the insistence many bw have that white and non-blk men slay every dragon and fight the powers that be in order to prove their love for us – yet for CENTURIES those same bw have demanded NOTHING of the black male. No infrastructure. No first line of defense. No building. Not even to stick around and help raise HIS damned children. But the same women who didnt think enough of themselves to only give life, love, support and sacrifice to the black male who has EARNED it, is the same bw who now demand the white man hand her the world. Shit is damned ridiculous and I”m calling it out.
Black women demand more of white men as some form of COMPENSATION for his not being black. Thats right I said it. We demand more from white men as some form of PENANCE for the him not being our ideal BLACK man. We expect feats of strength, dismantling of systems, and for him replace the image of his own MOTHER with ours as some sort of downpayment on our love. We want him to do for us al the things we NEVER demand our OWN sons do for us, and the reason why we do so is because we feel we should be COMPENSATED for the white man not being what many of us TRULY want – a functioning, protecting, producing BLACK one.
Im gone flat out say this shit. Black women are in NO place to be picky. NO PLACE. We dont have to scrape the bottom of the barrel for ANY man, but after GENERATIONS of giving our ALL to bm who gave us nothing back, I think we are bit out of order to now expect non-blk men to show up be EVERYTHING we never demanded black males be. I think black women are bringing our POOR VETTING SKILLS over to nonblk men and dont even know it. We focus on LOOKS, HEIGHT, AGE and all that other mess that black people use to choose mates and dont even realize that if we want to WIN! we are going to have to make some CONCESSIONS.
Any black women who is expecting random white men to APOLOGIZE for the oppression of the black male – oppression (which she secretly believes that individual white man is responsible for) that has DENIED her access to the type of BLACK man she wants – by expecting said random white men to make it up to her by being Hercules, Brad Pitt and Bill Gates all in one, needs to have a serious discussion about what they TRULY feel about non-blk men. Cuz I see a lot of Sistas who CLAIM to be open to IRR but are quietly SEETHING that they cannot get the BLACK man they TRULY want, and expect white men to REIMBURSE her for it through the meeting of ridiculous expectations to make up the difference. I’m calling bullshit. Bw need to check themselves.
Im amazed at how black women feel the need to make white men apologize for racism, but feel NO IMPERATIVE to make black males apologize for their sexism & misogynoir. Black women don’t force black males to sit and watch documentaries on rape, molestation, FGM, child brides, breast ironing and all of the other Patriarchal madness that black men have a hand in with bw all around the world. They dont make bm sit and read bell hooks, Womanist Theory, studies on the 3x murder rate, 20x HIV rate, 11x Matricide rate, 60% molestation rate or any of the other negative effects black male sexism and hatred of Black Womanhood has on black women and girls. The focus on “Racism” with non-blk men is ridiculous in the face of all the UNaddressed bm sexism that black women live EVERYDAY, but never seem to feel the need to be at the forefront of their relationships with black males.
For more of Kendall’s wisdom, she hosts a black-woman only Facebook page that is exclusive. So if you want to join, there’s a cover charge. Click here for details. To join her private black-woman-only email list, click here.
Contrary to what black women believe, Sexism PREDATES Racism. Black males are not excluded from the advent of Sexism – to the contrary they were the FIRST Sexists. Yet bw dont feel the need to champion that cause and place it at the center of all their interactions with them. Its one thing to want your non-blk man to be awake and aware of the challenges that race implications create in society. But to expect white men to start eating off the Black Struggle Plate just to ‘prove’ their devotion to us is insane and disingenuous. Black women will negotiate with Black Sexism without blinking an eye, but the notion of navigating race-issues with a non-blk partner without making it the center of the household seems foreign? Once again, I’m callin bullshit. Just like many bm choose ww who remind them of bw but arent, bw do the same with wm. They actually WANT a black male, but cant find or keep one so they go find a white one and try to TURN him into a black dude. Its funny cuz many will accuse bw of partnering with wm to escape their blackness. I think its the opposite. Many bw partner with wm in attempt to BECOME more black by ‘recruiting’ said wm to The Cause. They are trying to CONVERT wm into the religion of black suffering since they couldnt find the black one they hoped would lead in that area. Its duplicitous and ridiculous and I would encourage all white/non-blk men who are genuinely interested and open to partnering with black women to avoid chics like that like the plague. Black women can be WONDERFUL mate options for non-black men, but we got our shit with us too.
There are MANY pros for dating/courting/marrying/mating/partnering with black women. There are cons like what I’m describing, too. My suggestion to wm who are looking for a black woman to love would be to make sure she is not using you in some strange reverse Black Love scheme – where she gets to live out her Race-First SJW imperative, not by fighting “the system’ in abstract, but by using her influence to convert a single white man for the cause. It is NOT your responsibility to center your primary love relationship around race politics. If she demands this of you, you might want to look elsewhere. Her agenda is compromised and it wont bode well for you in the end. One of the greatest traits black women have is our loyalty. Just make sure hers is to YOU, first.
All the amens on this one.
We’re working on a men’s only coaching series that addresses these issues privately. Join the list here. MEN ONLY. Women will be deleted from the list.
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