I recently ran across a post from a “Pick Up Artist” site by an expert giving advice to non-black men on how to date black women. It was interesting to sneak a peek into the male mind, and what things they are thinking about us. Take in the comments with a strong backbone, because they pull no punches (and to the black dudes up in there throwing shade and discouraging non-black men to stay away from us, I’m looking at you.)
To be fair, many of the tips and techniques the author suggested rang true, like these…
*Don’t treat black women like she’s your Jungle Fever fantasy
* A white guy’s best bet is to approach a black woman with a diverse group of friends (which is spot on since that’s the advice we give black women to signal non-black guys that they’re open to getting to know them socially and perhaps, eventually romantically). One subsequent commenter even went so far as to advise white guys to stay far, far away from black women who self-segregate.
Here’s where he gets it wrong. He tells his thousands of male readers that basically black women value swagger above all else. Thankyouverymuch MTV, BET, and all rappers of the millennia. He, like many non-black men, think that most black women worship on the alter of black penis. White men fear this stereotype so much (and fear they won’t measure up to it) that they often won’t bother approaching black women. I know, because I get the notes from these dudes. Swagger in this case is code for BIG OLE MANDINGO DICK SO GINORMOUS HE CAN’T WALK WITHOUT STRUTTING. Here’s a direct quote:
Develop a little swagger. Make sure your game is on point (that is what this website is for, isn’t it?) and work to ensure that your confidence shows. Get very comfortable approaching with that confidence. Black men are famous for fearless, persistent approaching — though they claim to often be annoyed by this, the fact is that said reality has conditioned many black American women to expect a man to be confident enough to step to them. There is very little tolerance in the black community for shy guys, far less than you will find in other groups.
Here’s how the problem of black women being judged as a monolith gets so damn annoying. The values of ghetto chicks, black nerdy girls, “regular” black girls all get lumped together by the intellectually lazy. While “Boomquisha” mostly desires the hyper-masculine bravado of thugged-out Rae-Rae and thinks he’s sexy as hell, “LaShawn,” the black, nerdy girl who grew up in the Valley and has a collection of friends that looks like the United Colors of Benetton thinks that dude is a clown and wouldn’t be caught dead taking him to the corporate Christmas party. And to be sure, the very woman that the PUA “Pick Up Artist” suggests is a good prospect IS a girl like “LaShaun,” and she’s not checking for swagger as her first indicator of a high-value man.
In essence, the author is giving the right advice for the WRONG type of black woman. Most black women open to dating interracially aren’t looking for non-black men to adopt the mannerisms of black men, because…what’s the point?! Look white guys, high-value black women, (you know, the ones you want) are not looking for you to start Crip walking and running across the street shouting “AY! AY! AY! What-cho-numba is, gul?!” So with all respect to the Pick Up Artist who wrote this, please get the phuck outta here with that bull spit. You’re giving huge swaths of white guys advice on how to date ‘Shoshiquanna.’ Kayla, Christelyn, Brenda, Sylvia and all the other black women I know who have “regular” names who come from middle to upper middle class backgrounds (again, the kind of black woman you guys want to date) are not looking for those qualities in a mate. Like most sensible women, they’re looking for someone who can connect with them emotionally and intellectually, can carry himself well, has a good sense of humor, is gainfully employed, and most importantly, thinks we’re amazing. It’s. Just. That. Simple.
So instead of listening to a guy who wants to mash all of us up into one big hot ghetto mess, come and see me sometime, big boy. I’ll set you straight. For REAL advice you can use, hit me up Christelyn@BeyondBlackWhite.com.
ETA: My very white husband of 12 years has ZERO swagger. But he has……..(redacted) what it takes to get the job done (mercy)….. . Just thought I’d throw that out there.