By SirLoinDeBeef

It’s a lot better than a card. Lasts longer than a box of chocolates (and isn’t fattening). You’re communicating with your hands and fingertips. Humming, whispering or staying silent. Warm oil or cocoa butter (my preference). Quiet, no talking. Lighted candles. Brandy or cognac. A hot bath or shower. Cool water. Sleep.

Interested?

OK! First, find a quiet space. Away from distractions. Turn the phone off or bury it in a pillow. Shove the kids out the door and lock it. Turn on quiet music, such as Enya or New Age.

If you’re young and flexible, fold a blanket in thirds and work on the floor. If you’re not so young, and a little creaky, set up on top of the kitchen table, with that same blanket, folded in thirds. I bought a massage table.

Spread one or two layers of towels over the blanket (or pad) – you can’t have too many towels, in my opinion.

You’ll need pretty warm oil. I use an electric butter warmer, but the candle stuff works just as well. Or put a microwave-safe container in the microwave, and heat it. Heat more than you think you’ll use. Add a few drops or a squirt of lemon juice.

Fine, you’re ready to go. Light the candles and warm the oil. Get your love on the towels. If she/he’s body conscious, leave the room and have him/her get on, then re-enter the room, and put a towel over the loins. When he/she needs to roll over, leave the room until she calls you back.

If she/he’s OK with nudity, even better.

Now, here’s the first caution: DON’T expect to do any percussion, pounding or use any tools. This stuff looks great in movies, but isn’t for amateurs. You’ll be just grabbing and moving your hand over oiled flesh with some pressure.

Here’s your second caution: DON ‘T exert any pressure over areas where the bone is close to the surface. Move your fingertip only along the sides of skin-covered bone (such as the forearm, the lower leg, etc.).

Here’s your third warning: DON’T pull on the neck, or turn the head, or pull strongly on any part of the body. I know that it sounds weird, but think of milking-a-cow, rather than a Transformer, pulling-off-limbs.

Where you’ve got lots of flesh, firmly grab it, and knead it. Near bone, use the fingertips. Over bone … well, don’t – leave this for when you get more instruction from a professional.

Massage the face very gently with the fingertips, if at all that is optional. Scalp massage, nice but again optional. Talk to your SO about that before you precede.

Ladies: If you’re doing a guy, and he has hair on his body, smooth your touch in the direction most of his body hair points toward. Ignore his “manhood”, even if it starts to “rise” – this isn’t the time.

Guys: Stay away from her vaginal or anal opening, as this, also, isn’t the right time. In terms of her breasts, go ahead and lightly massage them, but keep fingertips away from the nipples. If they go erect, ignore them, as this isn’t the time. Massage to get at the musculature under her breasts, push with the fingertips from the sides in … from the bottoms up … from the center out … from the tops down. Again, if she’s body conscious, this can be done under a towel.

Now, here’s where the “MAGIC” starts: imagine that his/her body is filled with “globs” of negative energy. Starting with him/her on the face-down position, at the upper back, grab a big “glob” of negative energy and pull it across and down one arm. Pull the muscles firmly, but use fingertips when going over bone or joints. Pull this “glob” of negative energy down the hand, off each finger and let it dissipate into space. Do the same for the other arm and both legs. Then, after he/she has rolled over and you’ve massaged the fleshy parts of the body, get more “globs” of negative energy and pull them off your love.

OK, now you’ve done him/her, front and back. YOU should be tired.

Ahhh, but you’re NOT finished. Take a clean towel and wipe off as much of the oil as you can, while, just before, you start the water for a hot bath, with bubble-bath if you’ve got it (or start the shower). Give your love one Motrin, Aspirin or whatever and one ounce of a quality brandy or cognac. Now lead him/her into the bathroom and assist in washing your love. Avoid the ‘intimate’ areas, as this isn’t the time for it.

When your love is squeaky clean, get him/her out of the water and dried off with the fluffiest towel you’ve got. Now give your lover the other aspirin, Motrin or whatever, plus another shot of brandy or cognac, and put them to bed.

When in bed, offer the bottle of cool (not cold) water. Remember, no speaking, just whispers or humming.

Tuck him or her in.

Let him/her drift off in the darkened bed-room. That’s the deal.

I can guarantee the she’ll be talking to her BFFs and he’ll be talking to his best buds for months after.

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Now, people, time to study. A good place to start is The Art of Sensual Massage: 40th Anniversary Edition Paperback by Gordon Inkeles – $15 – from Amazon

A good video for starters is Sensual Massage Therapy Technique https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWZ2hBNE3W8

Just remember that massage, like any other human activity, is rife with curmudgeons – opinions masquerading as facts – ‘ancient oriental wisdom demands …’ – folks who say, ‘my-way-is-the-ONLY-way,’ – porn pretending to be instruction – etc. – buyer beware!

For those who are professionals in the art of massage & touch please feel free to chime in here.