#NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

It’s very rare that I get questions that stir my emotions, frustrate me, and make me deeply sad. I just received such a letter from a very young woman, and while I’m not sure if this entry will make a difference in her situation, I hope that perhaps others will take this as a cautionary tale. Here goes… pregnancy, black women, report, happiness, couples, families, blended family, biracial children, interracial dating, black women are dissatisfied with pregnancy, black babies, black mothers, society, domestic violence, abuse, economics, SAHM, stay at home mothers, support system, discrimination, employment discrimination, sexuality, forced pregnancy, guilt, abortion, married black women, dead beat fathers, working poor, economics, class, race, mules, femininity,

Hi Christelyn,

I really love watching your vlogs, and having watched your latest one “Black women, multiple children, and interracial dating” it really struck a chord with me as I am going through a very similar situation.

I am 21 years old, and currently pregnant expecting twins. The situation at which I came to be pregnant was from a mistaken one-night stand. At that same-time, I was dating a white guy who I deeply was falling for. He was 10+ older than myself, and showed me the way a real man is supposed to treat a woman. Although we dated for a short while, that time I seriously fell for him, and we made so many plans for our future together prior to him even asking me out.

Sadly, this one night stand and me falling pregnant meant I had to let him know and suggest we stay just friends as I needed time to adjust to the major change in my life, and we have stayed friends since then, he still talks to me occasionally, and I feel like I’m in love with him. He was to be the first white guy I ever dated, our relationship felt special because we had so much in common, and so many things not so. I don’t know whether it’s best if I try and let him go completely by not talking to him or see if he want’s to start over, knowing I will now have 2 kids. I don’t want him to take responsibility for my babies but I don’t think I will ever find someone like him, I don’t want to lose him and I want our relationship back.

I am so ready to focus on my babies, but having him around and feeling that love from a man will make my life so complete.

Should I tell him how I feel or just let him go? because I don’t think this friendship can work without me feeling hurt about the whole situation.

Thank you sooo much for your help.

Tried to keep this as short as possible.

Anon xxx   Writer, first I have to say that I’m sad that as a U.K. resident, you didn’t take advantage of all the free birth control available to you. Although I understand somewhat. Black people (at least in the U.S.) often frown upon women who proactively use birth control, believe it or not. It’s somehow more “acceptable” to “accidentally” get pregnant while trying to be “pure.” Remember Will.i.am said that he’d get up and leave a girl’s house if she had condoms because he thinks that’s tacky? With this backwards and truly deadly logic, it’s somehow whorish to be prepared. Secondly, I’m probably as relieved as you are that you night of unprotected sex didn’t result in you contracting a chronic or incurable disease, like HIV.  But I weep for you, writer. You are 21 and pregnant not with a singleton, but with twins. That means twice as many resources–emotional and financial–that will go towards raising your children without a father, because you already told me that he is uninterested in raising and co-parenting these kids. I’m also sorry that this is going to be a second generation in your family of children who have grown up without a father, since you also told me that your mother raised five children by herself.

But I ask you, at what cost to her children?

I look at you, involved with two men and so hungry for male affection of older (perhaps father-like figures) that you’re willing to risk your very life and future to lay down with someone you just met. And now that guy who you kinda, sorta liked, who is now a “friend” has suddenly become a beacon in the fog for you, to sweep you up and make all this okay. And I’m sorry hon, that’s not his job. You have to prepare for the very real possibility that this man will say that being involved with a woman pregnant with twins from a one night stand is just too messy for him. Men with options will use them.

I’m going to be honest, reader. There are over 25 forms of birth control and you didn’t use not a one. But there were other options that were unpalatable to you, such as adoption. Your response to the suggestion…

Adoption isn’t even an option for me. I have too much family members that are excited about my pregnancy. My mum is going to be a grandma for the first time and I could not go through the idea of letting them go, I love my babies too much.
I do believe I can provide my children with a decent life and things will get better the older they get. My mum raised 5 kids as a single parent, I’m sure I can do the same. Living in the UK there is so much support for single mothers, that adoption is see more for mothers that are incapable of even looking after themselves let alone a baby.
I do not at all want this guy that I’m falling for to play any role as a father, I imagined having a relationship with him that was separate to my family life. Whether this is possible or not I wanted to try. I feel I deserve to be in love regardless of the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
That is where my dilemma is because I do not know whether he will feel comfortable having a relationship with me knowing I have the responsibility of 2 children. That’s why I’m worried about expressing my true feelings to him as he may just want to stay friends which I do not think I can handle.
     So your mom is excited, and you probably think you’ll have these babies to love and will love you unconditionally, and that’s true. But you also need to understand that raising children without a partner is scary, lonely, and exhausting. I know, because I was a single mother at 25. And even with the father in the picture, it was still extremely stressful.
     I’m also disappointed that your mother is so “excited” to see her daughter go through the same struggle of single parenthood that she did. As a mom of three daughters, I would NEVER be excited for this, no matter how much I love babies.
     And make no mistake. Family and friends may promise to chip in with babysitting and supplies, but understand that your neediness will eventually become burdensome to some of them. An adult prepared to raise a family doesn’t look to others to do the job that should have been there’s alone to manage.
     I know what I’m saying is harsh, and is probably not what you want to hear. But lying to you would be cruel. While I believe that you don’t forfeit your right to have love just because you are a single mother, that should not be your focus right now. Do you understand that you are about to bring two human beings into the world? THAT must be your focus, not whether or not you can have a boyfriend. That fact that you are focused on that aspect instead of trying to figure out what’s best for your babies speaks volumes to me in terms of where your mind is. It’s immature. Young. Not your fault. You’re 21. I was the same way. That’s why I say you aren’t ready to raise these babies. But if you’re determined to keep them, you must understand that your free-wheeling 20’s are over. Your childless friends will go out to clubs and bars, travel abroad, do the crazy stuff people in their 20’s do, and you, as a mother, must forfeit that experience if you are to be any type of good mother. You can’t not bear two human beings from your body that you are charged to care for for at least 18 years and think nothing in your life will alter. If you do, you are naive.
     What you need to do NOW is devise an ACTION PLAN on how you are going to make raising two babies alone work. Read books on raising and caring for children. Look for childcare programs so that you might be some sort of instruction so you won’t be dependent on social services for the rest of your life.
     In closing, please know that I truly wish you the best. None of us were perfect angels in our twenties. Lord knows I made some bone headed mistakes. But nothing can ever change the fact that actions have consequences that could last a lifetime.
*NOTE* The writer of this letter will be reading this blog. I won’t tolerate cruelty in any form. This girl is pregnant with twins and I’ll not have strangers upsetting her. Be on your best behavior.
85 comments
MissFLondon
MissFLondon

I only half agree with this. Yes, I'm concerned about her priorities, but it appears that this is the behaviour she has witnessed in her family. Yes he certainly isn't her saviour and she is frankly rather daft in her reproductive choices. But I do think she needs to roll with the punches. She shouldn't martyr herself and if there is a genuine opportunity for a true and real connection with a real man, then she ought to grab it. 


On one hand, if my brother came home with her, I might have to fight the urge to picket her house, but on the flip side, she does sound rather a sensitive soul who is more than aware of her errors. I would suggest that she wait a while to see how it all pans out because she frankly does not sound as though she thinks through her man-based decisions. But keep an eye on him, if he actually sticks around in earnest, then it's not just her hormones, he's definitely the one!!!!


We live in an age of choice and sadly, we are now starting to see that some women (just like some men) make terrible choices in certain areas and perhaps there was a reason we were married off fairly early (I apply this to men as well as women), so at least she might have a clearer thinking counterpart in the home, like an anchor - every feminist bone in my body is screaming as I type. 


Trust me, there is nobody more surprised at my own reaction to this lady's situation. Perhaps her need for a boyfriend isn't just her fickle and childish heart or her fast girl ways asserting themselves, perhaps it's just a part of nesting that happens with all pregnant women. Perhaps if her own Mother hadn't ignored this very real urge, FIVE times, she might have settled with someone or picked better breeders and acted as a better example to her. She is completely lacking in anything resembling security and this talk of a boyfriend isn't just escapism, it's just her way of grasping at something, some form of hope.


The British system makes it too simple for these young women to find breeding partners for the free flats and free benefits (welfare). If she were one of the many past redemption then I frankly wouldn't care, as they are a pox on the nation. However, she clearly does care and so it's only fair to let her know her chances, as you have, she needs to have a thick skin if she's going to be a single Mother in such poor circumstances - a lot of men simply won't have you. But I do think that if she has the spirit or the energy, she should risk rejection, in her case it is worth it. 


My Mother was no girl when she had me, but a career minded woman with her Fiancee, a man she had known all her life. But when it ended, she started dating within, I suspect 17 months. One of the best prospects she had was a perfect on paper man who adored the ground she walked on but winced at the sight of me, the bastard. In the end, she married someone else when I was about 2 or 3, He was SAFE, kind and loving and is my Daddy. He has given me a sibling and the best possible life. I wish that for you and your children. 

maria2379
maria2379

I never liked children and I always knew from a very young age that I would nerve have children. When I was just a child, (from the age of six) I remembered helping my mom change my baby sister diaper, which I absolutely hated! And I had to watch her sometimes when all I wanted to do was play with my friends. Then my mom had three more kids after that and the burden of raising those kids also fell on me. I remember coming home from school and doing my younger sisters laundry and helping prepare food for them. I had to to all this before I did my home work. Then in the morning I have to iron their school uniforms and help prepare them for school. I would go to school late and exhausted sometimes because it was soo much work. That's when I decided that I would never have kids. I'm a 35 year old married woman and I still don't see myself ever having kids and I'm so glad that my husband doesn't want kids either. People call me selfish because it's difficult for them to come to terms with the idea of a black woman choosing to be child free.

This is why I could never understand why so many young black girls get pregnant only to end up having to raise those kids all by themselves. It's so much work and the kids take everything from you so I don't know why they do it when the see so many women in their family struggling to raise kids without a father. When I lived in panama I would look at the Jewish women out in public with their kids and nannies at their side. They not only had husbands but they also had lots of hired help.

I hope the young lady is aware of what she's getting herself into and I wish her luck.

I have so many things that I would say to this poor woman but I think all the important stuff is already covered in this blog and I really hope that people share this with other young black women.

Justme65
Justme65

Wow!  The editing process expired on me.  Oh well, please make sense of what came across while I was TRYING to edit.

Justme65
Justme65

Wow!!!

OMG Christelyn, I agree with you 999.99%.Have you ever spoken the truth more than now, girl!!!

I disagree on one point.Christelyn you said, “I’m also disappointed that your mother is so “excited” to see her daughter go through the same struggle of single parenthood that she did. As a mom of three daughters, I would NEVER be excited for this, no matter how much I love babies.”

Christelyn,my answer to that is part of the story I wish to share.I will share my story in the most concise way possible:

I got pregnant at 16.The extent of the birds and bees story came from my mother when I was 13 and told her that I think my period started.She said, “You do know how girls get pregnant, right!”I said yes, and that was it.In school I had learned about birth control, and one of the methods was the rhythm method.I was not allowed by my parents to go ANYWHERE outside the house without permission.At 16 I would go all over the place with my boyfriend, sometimes without permission.

One day my boyfriend wanted to go to his house because his parents weren’t home.I said okay, but told him we couldn’t have sex because I was ovulating and might get pregnant.He said it is okay and maybe we can play cards or something.We got to his room and he started kissing me.When it got too intense, I told him to stop.My words went unheard by him and he forced himself upon me.As much as I tried to fight and scream, I was only allowed to get up after he was done.I told him, “I hope you’re happy now, I’m probably pregnant.”

I didn’t speak to him for months after that, but I started to display symptoms of pregnancy.Four months into it, I decided to tell my mom that I think I’m pregnant.At first she laughed.She thought I thought that because my friend was actually pregnant, I might be thinking that simple contact with a male had made me pregnant.Once I told her the details, she cried, ranted and raved, then grabbed my face and begged me to tell her where SHE went wrong.I retreated to my room.Later that day, my dad found out.I heard months later that this strong, stubborn man cried like a baby around his friends, but the message I received from my mother the next day was that I won’t be allowed to live in his home, unless I have an abortion or give the child up for adoption the day it was born.

I told my mother that I was going to have my baby and raise it on my own.I gave her details into how I planned to accomplish that.My mother was never close to me until I became pregnant.Then, all the sudden, she’s the “elated Grandma”.Go figure…My Daddy, a sibling of eight other children, with nieces that got pregnant at 13 and 15 vs. this hard, strict Mommy, who is one of five siblings from a family where I’m the oldest neice/nephew, or grandchild…didn’t see that one coming.

My labor contractions came on my parents’ living room floor.My daughter was born 2/25/83 and when we left the hospital, it was to a foreign, studio bedroom I had set up.The birth of the daughter my father had never seen must have been messing his mind up.My mother picked me up to go to church the Easter Sunday after her birth.Although I sat in the back pews, I think my father knew that the other family members were coming over to look at the baby.Well, during church proceedings, my baby made some kind of cute baby noise.My father couldn’t resist in turning his stubborn head around, but he only turned it so far before facing straight forward towards the pastor.A day or two later my mother called me and told me that my daddy said to come back home.

When I finally decided to come back home, my daddy was elated at the sight of his granddaughter.He coddled her in his arms before laying sight on anything else (like me).My dad and my daughter were inseparable from that day until his death.My daughter used to call my father “Daddy”, because she didn’t know any better, considering me and my younger siblings her age were calling him that, and she didn’t know her real father.

My point:Christelyn you are a wise woman who I have learned so much from, but I think I am wiser when it comes to explaining this particular point.

Stuff happens in life and we all must adjust from our original stances.Parents want what’s perfect for their child, but it hardly ever turns out that way, not always because we didn’t do what we should as parents with high expectations for our children, but because our grown children have their own minds.

Miss Christelyn, what you said is what you think now, and that is what my mother and father thought, and that is what I thought when my daughter became pregnant and unmarried at 24 years old.The fact here is that, God forbid any of your baby girls get pregnant before being married, you like the rest of those who find themselves in that situation, will be elated, after the initial disappointment.Part of that final (depression) process is realizing that the baby is coming and there is nothing now you can do about it but love and accept the child(ren).

Fast forward to today:My 31 year old daughter is gainfully employed and a respectable member of society. My grandson is somewhat a part of an intact family, though my daughter and his father are not married.My grandson’s Black daddy is there for him 24-7, regardless of other issues in their relationship. I am also doing quite well myself, as a person who had a baby at 17.

No, I’ve never been married, and I have been through a slew of BM that treated me verbally and physically wrong around my daughter.The thing is, my kid is grown and strong minded because I left those individuals.Raising her was more important.Yeah, I’m 48 almost 49, and after being celibate for more than a year, after 13 years in a sexual relationship with a BM (FWB) that went all wrong when he met an NBABM who went off on ME once they got into the relationship, now I’m happy, (Pharrell Happy!!!).I’m good. I’m loving this time I have in life right now, despite how people may feel about people my age.

I look damn good!!!

MixedUpInVegas
MixedUpInVegas

I hardly know what to say to this young woman.  An unplanned pregnancy is almost always disastrous for a young, unmarried woman.  It is disastrous because the stakes are so high; the lives and futures of the children involved, who will need years of nurturing and financial support, education and appropriate living circumstances are hanging in the balance.  The life, education and career opportunities of the single mother are all almost always interrupted at just the wrong moment in her life.  The father, who certainly shares responsibility in the matter, is also impacted, whether he chooses to participate or not.  The larger family of both the young parents will also be affected, not usually for the better, as they are often expected to pick up the slack financially, emotionally and physically for the upbringing of these children.  It is easy to see why this is disastrous.

Focusing on your desire for love, whether with this man or anyone else is entirely inapropriate at this point in time.  This is no longer about you.  The wellbeing and future of the children have to come first.  If you can make a decision that will ensure a loving, secure and supportive future for them, you will have done what every mother should do.

simplylois
simplylois

Sometimes the best present a Mother can give her children is another adoptive family.  Depending on the arrangement, the biological Mother and the adoptive parents can have some type of open relationship where the children grow up knowing their biological family.  I was  23 when I had my son. My ex-husband left our family unit a few short years later.  I must confess sometimes I wish I would have went the adoption route.  The well being of your children is very important; but, so is your mental and financial well-being.  I wish you well.

International_Responder
International_Responder

Dear Anon,

Please print out and staple or hole punch and insert into a binder the wise words provided to you in many of the comments below.  I am almost certain that you’re not ready to receive the constructive criticism and advice or answer the hard questions posed to you here.  In time you will come to crave the knowledge and information that will set you on the right path versus advice that simply tickles your ears or is in line with the decision you want to make.  Right now idealism, regret, and hormones are clouding your train of thought. I suspect after stumbling across the video that you mentioned and subsequently heading towards the BB&W site and submitting your questions,you naively expected cheerleading, urging, and tips that would support what seems to be your primary concern now, snagging Mr. Right Now who happens to be white. No shade there, as it takes some folks a little while to figure out what exactly this forum promotes, and what I’ve gleaned from the few months of having regularly visiting this online community it’s healthy relationships.  That being said, this man cannot be your priority for a variety of reasons:

·He wasn’t your first choice prior to your unplanned pregnancy,this is evident from the one night stand you engaged in.

·While he may possess good character traits, that ironically only became clear to you after finding yourself pregnant, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re basing much of what you feel about him on the fact that he was the other guy in the picture or is the only guy for that matter in your life right now.  Entering into a relationship with convenience as the foundation is a surefire way to invite disaster into your life.

You’re not wrong to desire love or want a relationship, our creator, science and biology have already proven that we human beings were designed to crave and have the intimacy, protection and nurturing derived from romantic relationships. However we were innately designed to receive these benefits with certain parameters in place.  So yes, while you should certainly tell this man you’re pregnant, make no mistake that if he indeed wants to continue dating you after finding out, he will make it crystal clear through his words and actions minus probing and coercing by you.  If he is no longer interested or asks for time to digest this you shouldn’t be surprised, a woman carrying another man’s children is never ideal or something that most men welcome.  Please, if you engaged in sexual relations with Mr. Right Now, do not by any means give him the false impression that you’re carrying his kids, I don’t think that’s a concern here, but wanted to put it out there in the event information was left out of your post or something that has ran across your mind. I am always flabbergasted when hearing stories from children that find out later in life that the man they grew up calling daddy was never their father or tales of the woman whose whole world caves in where her paternity lie comes to the surface.

Right now you want things to move according to your timetable, they will not.  You’re also looking for a quick fix to this issue.  The fix to this issue starts with you now focusing on having a healthy pregnancy i.e. getting enough sleep, exercise, eating right, making it to all of your prenatal visits etc. and ensuring adequate living accommodations are in place for you and the babies.  A one night stand doesn’t let the father of these children off the hook, if you have any of his identifying information contact the appropriate social services office and get the process started on having him contribute to the children’s livelihood.  Channel the excitement from your relatives into something beneficial for you and the children i.e. use offers to babysit or share in the parenting of these children as an opportunity to obtain or further your education if this isn’t something you have done.  If you’ve completed your education pursue advancement opportunities at the workplace if they exist. I too am a single mother and while education, good employment, etc. had all been obtained prior to my pregnancy I can tell you with surety, that things will only start to get better for you once you reflect and move on from the thinking and behavior that landed you in this predicament in the first place. 

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes…….On or back we must go; to stay here is death. C.S. Lewis.  I wish you the best and commend you for the courage it takes to share this situation and the intelligence required to realize you don’t have all of the answers.

JanGibson
JanGibson

My dear, I am happy to see that you have opt to raise your babies. It is going to be a huge responsibility. It will be a good idea to leave the young man as a good friend for now. Fosus on your pregnancy and how you are going to support your children. Yes family and friends are there now but it may not be always that way. I am a Christian so I will have to let you know that from that point of view, we can do nothing in our own strength. I have overcome and anyone can if they put their focus in the one who created them. I was married and my daughter was five when her dad and I separated. I raised her all on my own and I made it. She will be 24 years old next month. She is a wonderful woman. Be a wonderful example to your children. They will be watching you. They will be depending on you. Let the young man be, if it happens that he come to you so be it. I will be praying for you. We all foul up at some point in time but our children are never a mistake. Never ever let anyone say that your children are a mistake. Speak kind and loving words to them. Even in your angered and frustrating moments be kind to them. They are first in your life now. Let any other be secondary. Don't let emotion over rule. Take care. You can message me on facebook if you care to. Much love. Blessings to you and your babies. 

thecrazyartist
thecrazyartist

The author is in a tough place right now, but it is not hopeless.  Right now you need to plan as much as you can and get as much info as you can.  Gather resources; apply for jobs, see what your education and childcare options are.  Do as much as you can to secure a future for you and your children.  It will be tough but nothing is impossible, stay strong.

AniceYantez
AniceYantez

I chose to be a single mom at the age of 35.  Even then, it was TOUGH.  I had my college years of partying and was in a good place financially.  Then, the U.S. hit a hard spot.  I found myself struggling and living with my mother and her boyfriend.  It's true what was said about family and friends will be there, but soon find you burdensome.  One of my brothers actually suggested I go to a women's shelter when my mother and I had a fight.  I would have expected him to offer me a place to stay, at least for the night.  But, you can't EXPECT anything from ANYONE.  You have to be an adult, mother and a father.  I believe at your age and with twins, you should look into open adoption.  It would truly be difficult for you to obtain the proper education and financial status to be able to maintain a healthy and happy home for twins without relying on assistance.  If you do keep them, your focus needs to be the three of you ALONE.  I didn't start dating again until my daughter was 3, and even then, it wasn't planned to have a relationship.  I was just looking to go out occasionally.  If there's a man who is meant to be in your life with your babies, he will come along.  You can talk to this guy about the situation, but I can easily believe that he only would think that you would cheat on him, since you seemed to have a good thing going, but chose to have a one night stand with someone else...  I too am glad that this act didn't lead to something more serious or deadly.  In the future, please be more careful.  You will now have two children to think about.  Before I had any unprotected sex with my SO, I made him go to a clinic to get tested and show me the results and I was also tested every 6 months.  Life is too precious to waste for a few minutes of fun...

Patricia Kayden
Patricia Kayden

"I do not at all want this guy that I’m falling for to play any role as a father, I imagined having a relationship with him that was separate to my family life."


That doesn't seem possible when you are raising twins.  I wish the Letter Writer all the best although I agree with Christelyn's tough love approach. 

dani-BBW
dani-BBW

You're on the right track, hon. Asking for advice is a good first step.

Keyasha
Keyasha

Hey there, my mom was the same age as you when she got pregnant with me. Although not by the same means, she and my dad were together (high school sweethearts), but after my birth things crumbled. I was only maybe a year old when they split and my mom was left alone to raise me. She had to grow up very quickly. She had to find a job in a plant and work hard to support us. My dad became less and less involved in my life and hardly sent child support like he should. It was hard on my mom and not easy even though she had parents who could every now and then most of the burden was on her. 


Anyways, I tell you all this because I want you to know that you are about to go down a hard road. I'm not going to scold on using protection because I'm sure you knew that already. You've made your bed and now you have to lie in it. And if adoption isn't an option for you (which I can understand) then I think like Chris said you really shouldn't be focusing on your love life. You need to be looking for stability and although you might temporarily find that with family you're going to have to find your own way and be independent. You don't wanna be living at your mom's with two kids at 35. It won't be easy but it's possible my mom owned her own car and house in a pretty good neighborhood by the time she was 27. However I want you to know that our lifestyle didn't come without it's sacrifices on her part. My mom wasn't able to go back to school to do a job that she really loves. Don't get me wrong it's possible but it wasn't feasible for her while I was young and now she's older and it would be a lot harder for her to go back now. Her dating life hasn't been really great either. She was always focused on me and so she never found time to develop and relationship with a good man. As a result she is 41 and has never been married. With that said I think raising kids does have it's perks. I think my mom has done a pretty good job with me and now that I'm off in college she has more time to reboot her love life. 


I hope this didn't scare you of course my mom's experience won't necessarily be yours but I just wanted you to know the sacrifices of being a young unwed mother. In my opinion I think the best thing for you to do would be to focus on creating a good life for you and your children. Once you have that stability and you can stand on your own and if that guy is still around then maybe see how it goes. He might reject you, but if he cares for you as much as you do him then perhaps there is a chance that he will be willing to be in your life as well as your children. 


I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and many blessings. I am only two years younger than you and I know you want to be young and live.I also know that you love your babies and you want what's best for them, and think you'll get there.

Gijou
Gijou

Honey concentrate on YOURSELF & THE FUTURE OF YOUR CHILDREN! This is the best way to further yourself and if THAT man comes along YOU will be ready. But rushing into anything, is a BIG mistake.

Also, if and when that time comes don't just look for a "White" man look for the "Right" man.The world is full of various races of men.


Peace, love and light to you.

ole'skool
ole'skool

My Dear, you are embarking on a beautiful, yet difficult moment in your young life, for you have been blessed with Twins. Having said that, please focus on Your Unborn Twins, and not on a "fantasy love affair", with any man. Focus on your those Angel's futures, and your Role in their lives. You have golden time on your hands at present, so seek out employers willing to hire women looking to return to the workforce after giving birth. Show your self, and your family and friends that you are a Pillar of Strength, ready to rear these Angels need be, on your own. Please don't focus on a fantasy wondering if you and this man could and should be more than just friends. Focus, Focus, Focus like a laser beam on providing your unborn Gifts with the Best Life you never had. God Bless You and Twins with a Beautiful Life.

NYMan
NYMan

I am very pleased with the wise comments posted here. Unfortunately, there are not too many venues in which this young woman will be told what she needs to hear. Our increasingly narcissistic and immoral culture practically glorifies having children born into broken families. That is tragic. I have seen the negative effects of this phenomenon among both family and friends.

Shaylah
Shaylah

This maybe long, sorry in advance. FIRST, GET CHILD SUPPORT!  SECOND, GET YOURSELF SOME GOOD OLD FASHION THERAPY! THIRD, FIND OUT WHAT PROGRAMS ARE AVAILABLE TO GET SOME TRAINING SO YOU WILL NOT BECOME STUCK IN A DEAD END JOB. My mother and father raided my niece and nephews, their grandchildren even though my sister was married. When the youngest son reached 18 years of age, the husband for a lack of better word vamoosed. My parents paid the grandchildren tuition, feed them and gave them money. I will also say something. Since it is summer time , I have seen more pink and blue balloons on gates than I have seen wedding announcements.

The fathers know they can check out and there will be no consequences. Many grandmothers are being drained financially and emotionally but no one talks about the father. Back in the spring when a homeless woman left her kids in the car to go on a job interview in Arizona, and her kid were sweating , someone called the cops and she was arrested and her mugshot moved people to donate to her. I did feel for her because she was trying. The first thing people said was WHERE WAS THE FATHER? She did get a job, but where was the help?  People will help for a minute but you are on your own.

I wish the young lady the best. Also please get a STD-Hiv testing. I am not being harsh but it is reality that diseases are out there and you already have to raise 2 children , you want to be in your most optimal health. Also maybe you and your mother need to have a talk because when she start to open up , she will let you know it is hard. I am not a mother but I have family and friends who struggled being a single parent  Thank you Chris for being a beacon of hope in this young lady life and she will thrive because she is capable and she is a winner.                                                     

LilaLeslie
LilaLeslie

Hi. I'm new commenter. I am not sure that my opinion will be welcome, but here it is.


First, let say that I will not condemn you for your mistake. While I am older and wiser at 28, at 21 I made foolish choices. At 21, I was involved with a DBR DL BM, and God must have been looking out for me because I made it out of that situation at 24 with no kids, no STDs and no marriage license, just pain and embarrassment. Therefore, I cannot censure you when I could have easily been you. Hopefully, you have learned from your current situation and will avoid making the same mistake twice. You should really look into getting an IUD and make sure to use condoms (latex) for all your future sexual encounters.


I do believe that you deserve love; however, I think finding romantic love needs to be placed on the back burner for now. Your world will turned upside down once your twins are born. New babies are extremely demanding and you have many sleepless, stressful nights ahead of you. Truthfully, you probably will not be able to even consider romance until the twins are late toddlers. I think you should now focus your energies on getting financial stable.


As a mom, you need to consider your children in every romantic encounter. If you engage in casual sex, your risks of HIV increases. If you contract HIV, what will become of your children? In pursuing a serious relationship, you must place the needs of your children first and see how a man treats them. Remember that most childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by boyfriends or stepfathers.


Lastly, you need to prepare for questions and resentments you or your twins may feel. I will use a personal example. My cousin had an OOW at 27. She became so depressed and resentful of her situation that she refused to hold her daughter for her year. Fortunately, her parents, my aunt and uncle, stepped in and raised their "fourth" child. Fast forward 10 years. The father has remained completely absent from his daughter's life. My cousin eventually came around and starting being a mom (truthfully, she only does the fun aspects of motherhood, i.e. trips to the zoo, ballet practice. She still farms out the unpleasant to her parents, i.e. discipline, homework, fixing meals). However, I can tell that my cousin is embarrassed about having an OOW. At Christmas, she lavishes presents on her daughter, as a sort of apology for not giving her a dad Furthermore, she is lying to her daughter about the situation. My cousin tells her daughter that she was married to the father, but they divorced when she was a baby. This lie can work for now, but as her daughter gets older and smarter, the truth will come out when she wants to see evidence (wedding dress, photos, ring, etc.). Once the truth comes out, the daughter will be hurt and angry. Now, the daughter constantly asks relatives where her father is. I fear the family's non-answers (we know the truth, but don't want to say) are already sowing the seeds of resentment in the child's heart. I am not telling you my family business to scare you, but I want you to have an accurate glimpse of what you, your twins and other family members will face in roughly ten years.

SweetGardenia
SweetGardenia

"I do not at all want this guy that I’m falling for to play any role as a father, I imagined having a relationship with him that was separate to my family life. Whether this is possible or not I wanted to try. I feel I deserve to be in love regardless of the mistakes I’ve made in the past."


This is the part of your post that concerned me the most.  You cannot have a relationship with any guy that is separate from your family life.  You are about to become a mother to two precious lives.  They ARE your family.  They are a part of you. Going forward in your life, you are a package deal.  A guy can't have you and not have your babies.  Any guy that would make you choose cannot be for you.


It is not the responsibility of the government, or extended family to care for your children.  You will be responsible for meeting their EVERY need, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  I had my daughter as a 35 year old single mother.  I was a lot older than you and working, but I considered how my actions would impact my daughter. Once, I did put my need for companionship ahead of my daughter, and was bitterly regretful about it. I went with a boyfriend on a trip and was gone for 7 days. Thankfully, she was too young to realize it.  I came back and refocused, taking my desire for companionship off the table.  It has been about her ever since.  She is 16 years old now, and every decision I make I consider her.  Her dad always has been and continues to be a big part of her life, so I also have that advantage. She is a smart, happy, fun-loving, respectful teen. People always compliment me on how well behaved, polite, and respectful a young lady she is.  I invested time in raising her, and communicated my goals about how I thought this could best be accomplished with her dad.  He is very proud of her as well.  I did marry when she was 6 years old, and even though my marriage is failing, she and my estranged husband have a great relationship, and I encourage it.  He is a good man, in spite of the current state of our relationship. I made no apologies early on that she was and would always be my first priority. At first it did cause friction in our marriage, but on Mother's Day this year, he expressed his appreciation about the great job that I have done with her.


You are so young, please just focus your attention on your babies who are coming.  Love will come when it is supposed to come, obviously that time is not now. Let go of the current object of your affection, if you love him as much as you say that you do, then free him to move on. It is not fair to him, he was not a part of the choice that you made.  Who knows, a guy may notice you and want to get to know you because of how awesome a mother you are, raising two little ones on your own.

The Working Home Keeper
The Working Home Keeper

 "Adoption isn’t even an option for me...I could not go through the idea of letting them go, I love my babies too much."

Dear Anon - I'm speaking as the unplanned child of a woman/girl that was unwed and 17 years old when she became pregnant with me.  I understand you feel adoption is not something you would ever consider.  I'm the mother of three, so I know the depths of a mother's love.  I get it when you say you love your babies too much to let them go.  But as someone that was given up for adoption as an infant (3 days old), I can tell you it was simply the greatest act of love and selflessness my birth mother could have ever done for me.  She looked outside herself and her own desires, and did what was best for me.  She knew it would be better for me to be raised in a two parent home than to live through the struggles of being from a single parent environment.  And for that supreme act of motherly love and sacrifice, I am forever grateful!  Because it changed the course of my life.  It placed me on a new path.  That not only impacted me, but reverberates through my children and future generations to come.  My birth mother's act made me want to give the same thing to my own children.  To be raised in a loving, two parent home.  That was my normal, my standard, my benchmark.  I wouldn't have accepted anything less for myself and future children than marriage and having children only within marriage.  So my own children were born within the bonds of marriage.  I couldn't imagine raising a child (certainly not two) without a partner/husband.  And now my children - my daughter and my sons - have that as their normal, their standard and will go forth and seek the same for themselves and their children.  And it all started with my birth mother's act of love by choosing adoption.

Also, please know that today, open adoption arrangements are more common.  So you and your family could still maintain contact with the children and their adoptive family.

God bless

TexasGurl
TexasGurl

This is quite a predicament to find yourself in.  I hope that you will seriously consider many of the options that other commenters have made.  I think every young person thinks that they have things all sorted out in their mind of how they believe things will go and those of us who are much older know through life experience....know that they don't go that way.  Children are very, very expensive.  You often leave your baby showers with far, far less than the things you need and end up with a lot of really cute clothes....you will often still lack the big stuff life a crib, a car seat, a GOOD stroller and on and on and on.  This requires going in your pocketbook and funding them or your family has to.  The sheer dollar outflow from just your support will be tremendous.  That isn't accounting for the fact that you won't have that second set of needed hands so you can just take a break.  You will instead have to rely on your mum.   These babies will be all cute and all...but lemme tell you as the mom of a 2 year old it's WORK and the level of time commitment and money just keeps rising this is times TWO.  Wow!  

Once you get through the toll that babies exact on YOUR wallet, then you must consider the toll that single motherhood exacts on your own hopes and dreams.  Your dreams are going to become dreams deferred.  Reality means that perhaps you will have to delay furthering your education or being able to take a job that requires extra hours.  Those of us who waited and planned for babies can tell you that we have to do some of those things as well...but we've been able to plan and make arrangements for those things.  Resentment can creep in slowly and that's not good for your children.  


Have you really thought through this beyond taking the cute pictures and putting cute clothes on them?  This is truly, truly, truly life altering.  Should you continue to talk to the nice guy?  I'm not sure...if you do you are going to have a lot of questions to answer for and you must be prepared for that fact that he may not be ready to be a dad to someone else's children.  This may not be a happily ever after.  This is reality.  I wish you the best as you consider your situation and the next steps those decisions take you in.  Good Luck!

_Toni_
_Toni_ moderator

This young woman talking about her mother's excitement to be a grandmother reminds me of my mom. Neither myself nor my siblings have kids. She is going off the wall in her own way, waiting for SOMEBODY to give her one.


If I go out with her she will fuss over any and every baby and young child, and then turn to me with these big "when am I gonna have grandbabies?!" eyes.


And then I will give the "when I get good and ready to have them, and that's not now" look.


I will be 30 next month and will be FINALLY making a concrete move for a life abroad. As such, no time for the providing of grand kids.



As much as my mom wants grand babies, she respects my decision to live my life. That's what it means to have raised children to adulthood: The parent has to step back and let their children make decisions about what's best for their own lives.


You see, love? You can live your life for your own happiness. Don't let anyone make you feel like what you want and need is not a greater priority than their happiness and expectations about your life.


_Toni_
_Toni_ moderator

Sweetie, if you love your children...you will do what is best for THEM.


Not for you.


Not for your mother.


Not for your family.



Hon, you need to sit down and take a long hard look at your situation as it is. AS IT IS IN REALITY. Not how you hope it will be or how other people have told you it will be. 



Are you financially stable? Meaning that if you lost your job tomorrow, would you be able to make it until another job opportunity presented itself?


Have you already began to apply for the programs you will need as assistance if you keep these children? Do you know what help you qualify for? Do you have any back up plans for if you fail to qualify for assistance or if these programs are cancelled? 


Were you raised in a household where your single mother had LOTS of support from family members or did she do the "heavy lifting"? Did you have relatives lining up to babysit you and your siblings or were you expected to "watch each other" or left alone when she needed to go out?


Did you ever have to go without? Did your mother struggle to provide you with new clothes and shoes? Was food scarce at times?



Ask yourself all these questions and more and be absolutely honest about the truth. Because nostalgia and idealism are the enemy to yourself and your twins. 


If every answer to these questions suggest that you cannot raise these children, you need to consider alternatives. And YES, you do have them.



1.) Adoption IS an option for you. Contact the relevant authorities in the United Kingdom regarding how you might go about giving your children up for adoption. Get counseling and advice from persons experienced working in this industry. Ask to be referred to a support group (since you would be lacking the support of your family, you would need emotional support from those who've been in your situation).


2.) Get a family member to adopt and raise your children. In other words...have these people put their money where their mouth is. Explain that you are not mentally and financially prepared to have children. Explain that you are willing to turn over custody to those family members (including your mother) who would like the opportunity to raise these children. If someone who is capable of caring for these children steps up, then take it from there.


3.) Keep your children and raise them yourself. If you really want these children and can't bear to be separated from them, then this is an option as well. Your twins are going to need ALL your time and attention. You will have to put their needs and wants above your own. You say that there are a bunch of programs for UK single mothers. You need to be on the horn right now finding out what those programs are, if you qualify, and applying right now if possible. 

Swirlgirl28
Swirlgirl28

It's not that I don't think she DESERVES love; I just think that her focus needs to be on the babies and not on a man. It's not fair to the ex-boyfriend and I'm sure he will most likely feel like her "second choice" and "backup plan" once he finds out about the one night stand and the babies. I'm sorry, but you cannot make major mistakes; then assume that everything will just work out and be okay. This is not the ex-boyfriend's problem and he should not be held responsible for something he had nothing to do with. We have to understand that with every action and choice there are consequences. We have to stop coddling bad decisions and start holding people accountable for their choices. Yes, I was 21 once and made some horrible choices; but I also used protection, because I had goals set for my future and I knew that a college boyfriend would most likely NOT become a husband. My mother's reaction would have been different from her mother's reaction; because my mom had me at 18 and didn't want the same for my sister and I. I wish this young lady the best, but I think that she needs to embrace reality here; there's a huge chance that the ex-boyfriend will not accept her situation.

Justme65
Justme65

@AniceYantez 


Anice said, “But, you can't EXPECT anything from ANYONE.”

There it is right there!!!  Wow! No matter how old you are when you have a baby, you can’t EXPECT help. Eventually, it's all about what that single mother does for her kid(s) for 18 years to change the time she had to empower the lives of her babies. 






Justme65
Justme65

@Lili2009 

Lol!!!  This is why I'm glad I never got married and that my child is out of the house now.  Sometimes it's best we wait until the kids are grown if we want to be sexy. 

I don't have to worry if I scream too loud now, lol!!!

SweetGardenia
SweetGardenia

Great advice about getting tested for sexually transmitted disease. She should have it done by her OB-GYN or as a referral so that the results come back to her OB-GYN. STDs can be passed to the babies as they pass through the birth canal and syphilis can have long lasting effects for her and the babies. I used to briefly work in a program at a clinic in Washinton, D.C. through the Centers for Disease Control (CDC). Women are also asymptomatic for most STDs because of the way our bodies are designed. A number of STDs like syphilis and gonorrhea require blood tests.

KingsDaughter
KingsDaughter

@The Working Home Keeper Dear WHK you're the lady I've always admired ever since I got active on BBW. Your measured, thoughtful responses, grace, kindness and heart always shine through.I also enjoy your blog  :D and  I truly admire your commitment to family. I think I share a lot of your values. You are a blessed woman and I'm sure all around you are blessed in turn. You're a great example.

NYMan
NYMan

@The Working Home Keeper "She knew it would be better for me to be raised in a two parent home than to live through the struggles of being from a single parent environment."

Exactly!

Daisy_inthe_Field
Daisy_inthe_Field

@_Toni_ Abroad...girls gone worldwide!! it's a blast hearing of all these amazing-catch bw living the heck out of life. All the best Toni.

NYMan
NYMan

@_Toni_ 

"Get a family member to adopt and raise your children.... In other words...have these people put their money where their mouth is. Explain that you are not mentally and financially prepared to have children. Explain that you are willing to turn over custody to those family members (including your mother) who would like the opportunity to raise these children. If someone who is capable of caring for these children steps up, then take it from there."

About five years ago, my neighbor told me that she and her husband’s daughter became a drug addict and they have been raising their daughter’s daughter (their biological granddaughter) as their daughter. I believe the girl is now about 13 years old. There is no doubt about it that the girl is infinitely better off because of that decision.

Justme65
Justme65

@Yorkshireman in Michigan @Justme65 


Thank you sooooo much. You cannot possibly know what your words mean. I really can’t add to what Christelyn has already said, but I know from experience that getting pregnant early isn’t a life sentence. The child(ren) aren’t to be viewed as mistakes; the irresponsible actions of the parents were.   Once a single mother realizes that, life can move on.

Of course, the choices in men may not be as available as before, but by no means does she have to go for the okey-doke in dudes.   A single mother’s mind must be sound and not reliant on just getting any ole dude to be her kids’ step-dad.   My own father was adamant about me going to college as a condition of moving back home.  Ain’t no second mistakes or irresponsible actions.

I think the best thing the anonymous writer could do is appreciate the friendship of her male interest, since it sounds like he’s still there in her life.   She can’t expect much more from him, unless he expresses otherwise.   It is up to him ultimately, and she shouldn’t try to push the issue; just enjoy that he’s still in her life in an emotionally supportive way.

This anonymous writer’s life has changed dramatically; man do I know it!   She must, first and foremost, concentrate on her babies.   While doing so, she will certainly attract the attention of men who will really love and respect what she’s doing for her kids, and those are the ones she should want.   Her plus, is that twins are so cute, and usually entertain themselves.

Taking care of kids and raising them up healthy minded will take the 18 years, but there is a life after that, too!   Now, at my age, I don’t want a man with minor kids.   The young dudes seek me out, but I still have my standards, in my “middle” age.   It is all about having standards, lest we make mistakes all over again, regardless of our age.


DWB
DWB

@Justme65 @AniceYantez "No matter how old you are when you have a baby, you can’t EXPECT help."

SO true!!!!!!!!!

DWB
DWB

@Justme65 @Lili2009 "I don't have to worry if I scream too loud now, lol!!!"

We ... er ... I mean ... *I* ... manage!!!!!!

;-p

The Working Home Keeper
The Working Home Keeper

@NYMan @_Toni_ I was adopted by my maternal grandparents.  From what I've been told, my maternal grandfather upon hearing of my birth, immediately drove out of state to claim me :)  He couldn't bear the thought of "one of his" being lost to the world (I was being placed for adoption outside our home state).  Wondering if every little black girl he saw was actually his flesh and blood.  My maternal grandparents choose to actually legally adopt me (as opposed to just raising me) so that I would have be able to benefit  from my father's (maternal grandfather) retirement benefits, insurance coverages, etc.

Justme65
Justme65

@Yorkshireman in Michigan @Justme65 

I get it.  I enjoy hearing the experiences of others, too.  There are sooooo many stereotypes about BW that it's nice to know that people want to know what the REAL deal is behind our stories, rather than lumping us all together.

Thanks again.