#NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

It’s very rare that I get questions that stir my emotions, frustrate me, and make me deeply sad. I just received such a letter from a very young woman, and while I’m not sure if this entry will make a difference in her situation, I hope that perhaps others will take this as a cautionary tale. Here goes… pregnancy, black women, report, happiness, couples, families, blended family, biracial children, interracial dating, black women are dissatisfied with pregnancy, black babies, black mothers, society, domestic violence, abuse, economics, SAHM, stay at home mothers, support system, discrimination, employment discrimination, sexuality, forced pregnancy, guilt, abortion, married black women, dead beat fathers, working poor, economics, class, race, mules, femininity,

Hi Christelyn,

I really love watching your vlogs, and having watched your latest one “Black women, multiple children, and interracial dating” it really struck a chord with me as I am going through a very similar situation.

I am 21 years old, and currently pregnant expecting twins. The situation at which I came to be pregnant was from a mistaken one-night stand. At that same-time, I was dating a white guy who I deeply was falling for. He was 10+ older than myself, and showed me the way a real man is supposed to treat a woman. Although we dated for a short while, that time I seriously fell for him, and we made so many plans for our future together prior to him even asking me out.

Sadly, this one night stand and me falling pregnant meant I had to let him know and suggest we stay just friends as I needed time to adjust to the major change in my life, and we have stayed friends since then, he still talks to me occasionally, and I feel like I’m in love with him. He was to be the first white guy I ever dated, our relationship felt special because we had so much in common, and so many things not so. I don’t know whether it’s best if I try and let him go completely by not talking to him or see if he want’s to start over, knowing I will now have 2 kids. I don’t want him to take responsibility for my babies but I don’t think I will ever find someone like him, I don’t want to lose him and I want our relationship back.

I am so ready to focus on my babies, but having him around and feeling that love from a man will make my life so complete.

Should I tell him how I feel or just let him go? because I don’t think this friendship can work without me feeling hurt about the whole situation.

Thank you sooo much for your help.

Tried to keep this as short as possible.

Anon xxx   Writer, first I have to say that I’m sad that as a U.K. resident, you didn’t take advantage of all the free birth control available to you. Although I understand somewhat. Black people (at least in the U.S.) often frown upon women who proactively use birth control, believe it or not. It’s somehow more “acceptable” to “accidentally” get pregnant while trying to be “pure.” Remember Will.i.am said that he’d get up and leave a girl’s house if she had condoms because he thinks that’s tacky? With this backwards and truly deadly logic, it’s somehow whorish to be prepared. Secondly, I’m probably as relieved as you are that you night of unprotected sex didn’t result in you contracting a chronic or incurable disease, like HIV.  But I weep for you, writer. You are 21 and pregnant not with a singleton, but with twins. That means twice as many resources–emotional and financial–that will go towards raising your children without a father, because you already told me that he is uninterested in raising and co-parenting these kids. I’m also sorry that this is going to be a second generation in your family of children who have grown up without a father, since you also told me that your mother raised five children by herself.

But I ask you, at what cost to her children?

I look at you, involved with two men and so hungry for male affection of older (perhaps father-like figures) that you’re willing to risk your very life and future to lay down with someone you just met. And now that guy who you kinda, sorta liked, who is now a “friend” has suddenly become a beacon in the fog for you, to sweep you up and make all this okay. And I’m sorry hon, that’s not his job. You have to prepare for the very real possibility that this man will say that being involved with a woman pregnant with twins from a one night stand is just too messy for him. Men with options will use them.

I’m going to be honest, reader. There are over 25 forms of birth control and you didn’t use not a one. But there were other options that were unpalatable to you, such as adoption. Your response to the suggestion…

Adoption isn’t even an option for me. I have too much family members that are excited about my pregnancy. My mum is going to be a grandma for the first time and I could not go through the idea of letting them go, I love my babies too much.
I do believe I can provide my children with a decent life and things will get better the older they get. My mum raised 5 kids as a single parent, I’m sure I can do the same. Living in the UK there is so much support for single mothers, that adoption is see more for mothers that are incapable of even looking after themselves let alone a baby.
I do not at all want this guy that I’m falling for to play any role as a father, I imagined having a relationship with him that was separate to my family life. Whether this is possible or not I wanted to try. I feel I deserve to be in love regardless of the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
That is where my dilemma is because I do not know whether he will feel comfortable having a relationship with me knowing I have the responsibility of 2 children. That’s why I’m worried about expressing my true feelings to him as he may just want to stay friends which I do not think I can handle.
     So your mom is excited, and you probably think you’ll have these babies to love and will love you unconditionally, and that’s true. But you also need to understand that raising children without a partner is scary, lonely, and exhausting. I know, because I was a single mother at 25. And even with the father in the picture, it was still extremely stressful.
     I’m also disappointed that your mother is so “excited” to see her daughter go through the same struggle of single parenthood that she did. As a mom of three daughters, I would NEVER be excited for this, no matter how much I love babies.
     And make no mistake. Family and friends may promise to chip in with babysitting and supplies, but understand that your neediness will eventually become burdensome to some of them. An adult prepared to raise a family doesn’t look to others to do the job that should have been there’s alone to manage.
     I know what I’m saying is harsh, and is probably not what you want to hear. But lying to you would be cruel. While I believe that you don’t forfeit your right to have love just because you are a single mother, that should not be your focus right now. Do you understand that you are about to bring two human beings into the world? THAT must be your focus, not whether or not you can have a boyfriend. That fact that you are focused on that aspect instead of trying to figure out what’s best for your babies speaks volumes to me in terms of where your mind is. It’s immature. Young. Not your fault. You’re 21. I was the same way. That’s why I say you aren’t ready to raise these babies. But if you’re determined to keep them, you must understand that your free-wheeling 20’s are over. Your childless friends will go out to clubs and bars, travel abroad, do the crazy stuff people in their 20’s do, and you, as a mother, must forfeit that experience if you are to be any type of good mother. You can’t not bear two human beings from your body that you are charged to care for for at least 18 years and think nothing in your life will alter. If you do, you are naive.
     What you need to do NOW is devise an ACTION PLAN on how you are going to make raising two babies alone work. Read books on raising and caring for children. Look for childcare programs so that you might be some sort of instruction so you won’t be dependent on social services for the rest of your life.
     In closing, please know that I truly wish you the best. None of us were perfect angels in our twenties. Lord knows I made some bone headed mistakes. But nothing can ever change the fact that actions have consequences that could last a lifetime.
*NOTE* The writer of this letter will be reading this blog. I won’t tolerate cruelty in any form. This girl is pregnant with twins and I’ll not have strangers upsetting her. Be on your best behavior.