Question of the Week: Do I Have to Erase All My Blackness to Date Rainbeaus Online?

The letter writer brings up an interesting point of 'blackness' An articulate, feminine,sophisticated, intelligent BW is not a 'black' black women?

Ghetto culture does not equal blackness and any non-bm looking for that image from you, well politely tell him to go to h*ll.

When I heard the term rainbeau men I thought is was a cute and clever way for BW to express their interest in non-black men. I never saw it as offensive considering them meaning behind the root words. Rain can mean joy, rebirth or gift from God. Beau simply means a boyfriend or male admirer who is (in masculine terms) nice, pretty or good-looking. Then it is a play on words in connection to a natural rainbow. Rainbow are beautiful and can be enjoyed by all including Black women hence the play words.lol.

Now back on topic, I would just state plainly that you are interested in IR dating and continue to embrace your blackness however you choose to do so, because you don't want to come across as the female version of the self-hating Tiger Woods. He was so self-hating that he wouldn't even acknowledge is asian culture. How sad.

Ladies just be yourselves. What do YOU love to do? What makes YOU happy?
Pursue your interests then find like minded individuals to share your life.
The US is just too hung up on colour. The world is huge! There are 7 billion of us out here stop worrying about what these idiots on perverted dating sites think.
It make take more time than you are used to but just look for a friend and then your find your lover.

I have not read aall the other comments but I wanted to add my 2 cents from my own experience.
Focus on sites that are dedicated to your hobbies. What is your passion? Try to connect with people with the same interests.

Most of my friends have the same things in common regardless of ethnic backround. We love the same music, TV shows movies and books. My soulmate happened to be one of these friends I connected with. It takes times but be TRUE to yourself!
There is no such thing as "Black interests"...come on! You like what you like...period. And your man will accept you regardless. I still love African music and African-American comdey etc...so what. It's part of me too and he loves me. I can't stand his folk music either :p

There is no magic ratio on white/blackness your portfolio has to attract men of other races.

It is hard to tell why someone won't respond to your profile without actually seeing it. There could be twenty different reasons why someone won't respond, but I am willing to bet that the problem is that she is trying too hard. It can been seen as being desperate, too perfect, generic, forced, intimidating, fake or disingenuous.

I think she just needs to focus on being herself and make her profile reflect her personality. If you grew up from a white area and have mostly stereotypical white interest, you don’t need to hide it. If you have some stereotypical black interest, that is ok too. Don’t hide who you are.

I am a white male can pick up if someone is open to dating other races without them being too obvious. Instead of saying things like you enjoy eating food from different cultures, say you like Indian food, French cuisine or that mangoes are your favorite food. It doesn’t sound as forced and makes you more interesting and unique instead of boring and generic.

What's wrong with explicitly stating that she wants to date white men in the profile? I did that in an experimental profile and the messages came rolling in. A lot of white guys don't think black women are interested in them, so to see something overtly saying otherwise is a beam of hope for them AND gives them the further courage or chutzpah to go ahead and message you. It's an online profile-- don't be scared to state what you want. Life is short, don't waste more time.

I simply put on my profile that I was very open to an interracial relationship. Can't be more upfront than that. :)

Just a personal experience and a thought after reading through the comments:

When I did have online dating profiles, I found that I was harassed by BM when I was specific about being open to dating men of other races. As a result, I resorted to editing my profile in a similar fashion as your OP described in an effort to convey my openness without attracting trolls.

Can we PLEASE retire the ignorant notion that a woman who chooses to apply any chemical/technical process to her hair (relaxed, dyed, weaved, etc.) is "running away from her culture"? It's so mind-boggling-ly offensive to me that I'm likely to become unglued the next time someone says it. How dare anyone try to define anyone else by the way they choose to wear their hair? We are not all the same and don't share the same cultural backgrounds, so who gave anyone the right to judge?!!

As far as online dating is concerned, I found no one online that had any home training. They either showed their true "I just wanna do a black chick" colors right away or after spending time with them they proved themselves to be less than gentlemen. I had success in the real world joining a meetup.com group that shared my interests and meeting people organically.

I just wanted to add something further, I was driving earlier and thought of it. Myself personally, I prefer the Jill Scott, Erykah Badu, Lauryn Hill, all natural type of black woman. Someone who is not running from their culture but embracing it. The same way I am embracing aspects of my culture. I am one and of the spectrum and my significant other would be opposite. Yin and yang. Balance. We grow from one another while also embracing our differences. That has been one of the aspects of interracial dating that appeals to me and it is one of the things I am going to HIGHLY encourage within my mixed child. Embrace both sides of yourself. You will be stronger, more knowledgeable, diverse and well rounded because of it.
I tend to be less atrracted to the Lil Kim types who are wearing blonde hair and blue contacts and seemingly trying to make themselves look or be more caucasian. Ebbrace what you are ladies. Us white guys who are really into black women will love it. I promise.

IF anyone is that judgmental......then I wouldn't want to talk to them.

Velour and I were having this discussion the other day.....and it makes me wonder...WHAT IS "blackness" really? what constitutes Black American(underline and bold American) culture?

I was watching a show last year where women were being coached on how to date. The women were interviewed and what they did not know was there was a room full of hot all american white guys observing them in another room with the intent to critique them. There were two black girls there. One of the black girls was a very suburban but very conservative girl. She was a nice girl. She had a very "white sounding" voice. The other girl was not really hood but she had a black name and was a little hipper and would probably would be considered "blacker". She hung out with white girls and had really good friends that were white but she did not try to be a "chocolate white girl". Both girls were cute.

Well anyway when the guys critiqued them. They said girl number one was too white and they wanted more of a real sister. They seemed to be irritated by the first girl. I think that they like our differences. I think they like our sassiness but not too much sass and definitely not drama. But I think that they like our blackness but they want to know that we have things in common and can relate. They just dont want NeNe or the basketball wives out there fighting!

I dated a couple of all American White guys and I am more like the second girl. I am articulate and have lots of different interests but I can relate to different types of people.

Black people are going (hopefully) through a metamorphosis right now anyway. Look at the way that we were dissed by Obama because we are such a "one pony show", we get taken for granted by the Dems. Then Herman Cain disses us in the same week by stating that we are "brain washed". The black race is going to have to come out of our box in a lot of different ways. I know that this is getting off the subject and sorry for the rant...

I think her issue could be the type of websites she is on. Okcupid and Plentyoffish are both free sites. People sign up just to pass time and browse profiles, they may or may not be looking to engage in dating, just a random hookups. I think if men pay for memberships they might be less likely to look for the sake of looking

"Erase all the blackness"? Is that even possible? Even if you wanted to do it? LOL. Seems like crazy talk.

While it's true that the overwhelming majority of white guys that are open to dating a black woman are not interested in LaKeisha from the hood, it's been my personal experience that whatever cultural or experiential differences (large or small) we have as black women compared to white women, which is what a white man is generally exposed to when dating those white women, living with white women (mother, sisters), working with white women, going to school with white women, etc., is what works in our favor.

THAT'S RIGHT, IT IS AN ADVANTAGE AND WORKS IN OUR FAVOR.

Because we're different. We act different, we look different, etc. Yes, LaKeisha from the hood, agreed, that's too much difference, white men are not going to be queueing up to talk to her, but there are very few of us that are in that predicament. Most of us have a lot in common with any white American guy from a cultural and experiential perspective, and the differences are not massive. But what is subtly different about us is just like catnip to many, many of these guys, they're craving something different, something new when it comes to women, and no, I'm not talking about these dudes that are interested in sexual experimentation, I mean, they want someone different to talk to, to hang around with, to look at, to fall in love with, and to be happy to be with in their lives.

Viva la difference!

That's what I say. IMO, it's a huge mistake to try to be a dark white woman. Be an alluring black woman that has a lot in common with your intended, but has important differences between herself and the usual homogenized offerings he's getting in his usual dating scene.

Remove all the 'blackness'... What the heck is 'blackness' anyway lol... Should I get my husband to remove his 'Whiteness'?

Anyway I never dated online so I can't really give you advice on this.. GL and stay classy and I'm sure you can find a good man!

I have often wondered about this also. Do I have a huge I date white too sign in the background. Or a picture of Brad Pitt with a heart around it? Is a filter good? To anyone that has looked online what do you do when a race you are not interested in messages you. Do you come right out and say I am only attracted to X men or do you politely turn them down or not respond?

Because I'm not a WM or any other type of man, I cannot speak about this subject with any expertise. I will say this, though. I've been married for almost 18 years to my husband (we dated for three years). We were way before internet dating so I met him the regular way. I was 35 when I married; by some estimations, I was very late. I'll admit that I had concerns about when I would meet Mr. Right (I used to tell my mother that my Mr. Right was in the Soviet Union wandering around looking for me; I know, showing my age) but it happened when I least expected it. My husband talked to his SWM posse and here is their take on what they're looking for:

1. They don't care that you're with another WM in a photo. If you're on the site, you're obviously looking. Also, it gives them the go-code that you are receptive to dating a WM.

2. Be yourself. My husband had never dated a BW; hadn't even thought about it. We met and started talking. He loved my sense of humor (very dry), my confidence and my intelligence. He thought it was cool that he likes jazz and R & B (which I loathe) and I have the musical tastes of a teenage White boy (I love me some Korn, Disturbed, Kings of Leon, Nickelback). He never felt upstaged when we went to visit my sister in Germany and I could speak both German and French fluently. He sees my talents as gifts that help him too.

3. Get yourself out to different events. When you do, chat up the WM that you meet. When I was single, I was invited to all kinds of parties. Most of my dates were made with guys I had chatted with while there. One guy told me he was attracted to my smile and my laughter.

4. Don't get desperate. Unfortunately, no matter how much you think you're hiding it, you don't. My husband's SWM posse said they can smell it a mile away.

5. I have nothing against internet meetings/dates/friendships. I've never done it but my friends have with mixed results. A couple of my friends met and married from the internet and are very happy. A few others, not so much and still others who say they would never do it again. I would say don't limit yourself to that. There are opportunities everywhere. You just have to be receptive and open, even in the most unexpected circumstance.

6. If you like to travel, do it often.

Again, I'm not saying this is the end-all, be-all formula for getting married but it's worth exploring.

Well if I remember rightly Chris and Eugenia met their husbands online. They seem like pretty good guys, and certainly not socially awkward or cheaters.

I've met weird socially awkward guys offline and amazing guys online,so I don't think you can stereotype. It's worthwhile remembering that online dating attracts such a wide variety of people that there could be any number of reasons for guys not contacting you. Maybe they think you live too far away. Maybe they think your interests would clash. Maybe you're too old/too young for them. And yes, maybe they are just not attracted to you. I know white girls and Asian girls that date online and they also complain of plenty of views and not much contact. Just be yourself and someone who is interested in you will get in contact. If they don't maybe that special person is waiting for you elsewhere.

No Chris, your ruling should still stand. These are three guys out of millions and the majority of men do not want to see a woman they are romantically interested in all hugged up with some other dude. So a woman should be smart and err on the side of caution, and that means if its YOUR profile, then have pictures up of YOU. Not your girlfriend (he might be more interested in her than you), not your children (too many perverts online).

This is simplistic and full of stereotypically BS that just serves to perpetuate the stereotypes we're trying to avoid. This is a guide to "dating" white men. My husband is Swedish (that means he's from Sweden and his skin is white), but I've dated Black men, white men, Mexican men, 1 Puerto Rican, and a few mutts. The point here is "just be yourself. You don't have to be less Black to date a white man. I've never met a group as obsesses with White folks, as Black folks. It's seen when you hear, "girl, that's what white girls do" or "that's for white folks." Get over them, relax yourself, live your life, love yourself, and the right man will come to you. And, a good man, if you're worthy.

I am not sure what the term rainbeau denotes, however I find it offensive. I am a white male. Plain and simple. I am not a catchphrase, so the first thing to catch my attention would be to refer to me by what I am and not a buzzword.
I take it we are talking about online sites. I am not on Plenty of Fish or Cupid or any other dating site, so I am not sure how they operate, however I would imagine that they have an About Me section, like most of the other social networking sites I have come across. Why not putting a small blurb about how you are interested in white men, Asian men, or whatever it is that you are looking for? This doesn't have to be complicated. It is just a simple paragraph blurb about what it is that you are looking for.
As to posting the things you think might draw a white man in such as groups that you like, etc. Just put the groups that you personally like. As a white male, I am not interested in the black woman who is trying to prove how white she is, or how in-tune with my culture she is. In fact, the reason I like black women is because they ARE different so pleeeease do not remove all of your black /African likes. I am seeking someone who can balance me, not offer me more of the same. Not that similarities are bad, it is just that trying to hard, it can come off as being contrived. I want the richness that diversity can offer, so please do not hide things that you may like just because they are black or African or what have you.
As a white male, I am telling you that having a picture of you with another white male is NOT a big deal and it IS a sign that hey, she might actually like white men. It let's us know that at least you may have spent some time around us and believe it or not, especially if it is just a picture of you and a guy sitting close but not too intimate, we do have the ability to critically think and realize that hey, this could just be a friend of hers or possibly a co-worker.
I think the most important thing is to just write a statement about what you are looking for in the About Me section. Not sure why people are not responding to you, but give it time. Maybe all these guys passing you up is a good thing because they may be guys only concerned in the superficial, easy action type of woman. Other than that, I have no other real advice. Don't refer to us as rainbeaus I guess would be one of them. That is like me referring to a black woman as our chocobunnies. It is not cool. It objectifies the party in question. The last bit of advice I have is this, not sure if it pertains EXACTLY to finding a man, but if you do get to chatting.... the biggest thing that has turned me away from black women is them telling me, "Well, I'm tired of black men. None of them are any good, all a bunch of thugs and lowlifes" or some similar sentiment.
That is a TOTAL turn off to me. That to me tells me that you are interracially dating because you cannot get what you want out of your own people, so instead white men become the default runners-up, so to speak. We want to be your first choice, not the back up plan, or the second option because you couldn't find a black man to treat you decently. That is not fair to us. I seek out a black woman because THAT IS WHAT I WANT. Not because I think white women are lousy, good for nothings. The attraction to black women is real, so anyhow... I hope my advice helped. Good luck in your search!