Question of the Week: “Had a Good Date, Why Hasn’t He Asked Me Out Again?”

Question of the Week: “Had a Good Date, Why Hasn’t He Asked Me Out Again?”

Okay guys. This question is from one of our OWN–she’s been with us for over a year, so let’s burn some extra brain cells to help her deal with this.

    Author : Christelyn Karazin

    Author's Website | Articles from

    Hello there Miss Chris. How are you? It’s R. Kamaria. So you wanted me to tell you about my date on Friday. [Chris here. Remember that post? The 300+ one with Jordan Harbinger in it?]

    The date itself was lovely. He was nice, handsome and generous. We shared laughs and a nice bottle of Bordeaux and coconut shrimp. And despite showing up 17 minutes late he made up for it with profuse apologies and a promise to make it up to me. He was “gentlemanly” and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. I think that’s traditionally for most European men – he was born and raised in Tuscany and Florence.

    At first we were giggly with nervousness and once I gave him a compliment on how handsome he was, he seemed to relax and started asking me questions. We met online on POF.com. He asked me about my experiences on the site only because he wanted to share his dating horror stories. I didn’t divulge into my dating history but he sure did want to tell me how mean American women have treated him.

    I thought it was a little TMI but I don’t think he meant any harm. As the date progressed, we chatted about traveling, life in cold ass Michigan and other generic date topics.

    On a scale of 1-10, I give the date a 7. While I thought we had a lovely time, I don’t get why he didn’t ask me out again. I know it was Friday but geez. If a guy is into you, then should he ask you out again within a day or two, right? I’m not the type to call after a date. I think the rule is you’re supposed to wait on the guy, right?

    Well I’m following “The Rules. We shall see if I get asked out again. I assume he liked me. His text – yes unfortunately text – message read : “I had fun, you’re so nice and I enjoyed very much your company J Buona notte.”

    Sounds like I’m in the friend zone once again. Was I supposed to kiss him at the end of the date? In Italy, do women ask the guy out for the second date? Lol. Whatever. Moving on….

    Hmm…Rasheda, sorry this date didn’t work out how you’d hoped. My first thought is that he could be a serial internet dater. I mean, he’s basically wanting to swap gossip about which one of you has had a worse online dating experience, like you’re two hens clucking in a coop. Mr. Euro referencing how us mean ‘ole American girls have treated him has a whiff of ex-girlfriend funk to it, too. If not an ex, perhaps a girl who burned him that he has not yet gotten over? *scratching not-so-imaginary beard; where the heck are my tweezers?*

    And you were right not to kiss him on the first date. I don’t care if he is a foreigner, the most he should get to two peck kisses and a finger snap if he’s naaa-staaay.

    What say you, BB&W crew? R. Kamaria is one of our own, so I’ll be giving out extra credit cool points.

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      R. Kamaria 197 pts

      UPDATE: So il douche baggatti never called back. Only texted. I erased his number. Yay me.

      Fast forward: I was asked out by a guy I had been IM'ing for a few weeks. I wasn't really "into" him too much. But he is really cool and calls, not texts me...ever. We went on our first date 10 days after this Question of the Week was posted. Date was casual and fun. He made plans for our second date while walking me back to my car. Kissed me on the cheek and told me to call him when I make it home. Now that is how a guy is supposed to behave. I think I'll go out with this dude again. I'm not actively pursuing dates but if a nice guy asks me out, I'll entertain the thought.

      Christelyn 2190 pts moderator

      R. Kamaria Woo HOO!!

      Karla 1679 pts

      R. Kamaria Thanks for the update. That's the way to date!

      Mocha Z 1402 pts

      I think all has been said and I am not yet dating but that is what I want to bring up in my response. Those of you that are dating and bring their dilemmas, questions and concerns to BBW are valuable to those that are also dating or considering dating. I appreciate the willingness to put yourself out there....thank you R. Kamaria !

      ForestElfQueen 1921 pts

      Mocha ZR. Kamaria true. ...for everyone who post/shares/asks for feedback, there are probably many silent who are experiencing similar weirdness & feeling discouraged. It's good to not feel alone. When I was going through the dating- 'interview' process, I found a couple of discussion boards & yahoo groups (now defunct) where ppl (singles & married) were sharing and helping. They were such great support for me(esp some of the older married ladies) & now I'd like to help however I can.

      edenifill 69 pts

      He sounds like a flake.

      Why was he so late?

      Sophia 226 pts

      Really good advice down below, one of them being dating multiple men at the same time.

      The pros about that is that you don't get hung up on any one of them. However, I found out that I couldn't focus and get to know any one guy cause of the juggling so I let go of that strategy after a while.

      Another good piece of advice mentioned below is not planning dinners for the first date. It traps one for hours with unsuitable men. So I limit my dates to coffee or drinks. Much more efficient that way.

      I still think nothing beats meeting someone in person, locking eyes with them and feeling that charge.

      R. Kamaria, how about joining meetup groups that are activitiy oriented, like hiking or camping? Or interest based such as investing or real estate or any tech meetup. I assume they would have a high participation rate from men.

      How about going dressing up and going to nice upscale hotel bars with a friend? The type of men you'd meet there would be higher quality businessmen from all over the country/world.

      Pearl 1375 pts

      Sophia Well the thing with dating multiple guys is that you don't get hung up (like you said) BUT also provokes them to step up and realize that a lot of guys want her (guys want what everyone else whats, for some reason) basically it makes them step up to make commitments or prove themselves work harder to get you... all that stuff :-D..

      Sophia 226 pts

      Pearl Very true.

      However, in my case, when men ask me if I'm seeing other men, I deflect the question cause I think its a little gauche to talk about dating other men when actually on a date with one. It feels rude (even though I know it's not) and makes me uncomfortable.

      And I don't want to sound big headed but for whatever reason the men date know that other men want me. It comes out in their words and actions e.g. asking "do I have a chance with you?" or pinning me for a second date before the first one ends.

      The juggling was getting to me after a while so I decided to stop and focus on one man at a time and so far, I'm still stuck on him :-) it seems to be working. We'll see how it goes.

      Pearl 1375 pts

      Sophia I would say that I don't date I 'court.' Well as in my case 'dates' are different from dating I don't date guys. I court them, and if they want a relationship they need to step to the plate.. men will always be the disposable ones in my book.. I wait on no man lol

      R. Kamaria 197 pts

      Sophia Right on Sophia. I like your post. But I have hosted a singles Meetup group in the past. I also belong to 3 groups. Never meet any guys that I actually like. I meet a bunch of cool chicks in those groups. But I like the idea of hotel bars. Sweet. I saw that on iVillage.com as a meet a man location idea. lol.

      Sophia 226 pts

      Fantastic stuff Kamaria. It's great you're pro-active about hosting meetups. What type of groups did you join/host? I know the rock-climbing and cave exploring ones are chockful of men. And yes, hotel bars are a good spot. Just make sure they're the really upscale ones. I want to hear your report after you go to one :-) I might be accompanying a friend to one in my town in the next couple of weeks.

      RichardBackman 90 pts

      Hey RaRa. Do all these "rules" about timing, calling, conversation, etc. ever feel stifling? It seems so rigid and formalized.....

      eugeniamitchell 3270 pts moderator

      RichardBackman But everybody's got their standards, I'm sure you got some that if a woman had broken you have said bye-bye!

      RichardBackman 90 pts

      eugeniamitchell Perhaps it's terminology. I view rules and standards as separate items. Standards determine who & rules determine how. Short of someone having outlandish standards I would not comment on their standards. I suppose I have relaxed standards but society places different pressures on men, in terms of mate selection, and my nature is to emphasize a woman's intrinsic value. Manners, respectfulness, kind heart....these things are deal breakers. The last dating situation that ended because of a violation of the standards involved her verbal abuse of a beggar. It's one thing to say no, another to yell in a vicious manner.

      In terms of rules I am more understanding....or less committed.... Punctuality, timing of phone calls, that sort of thing does't matter to me. Life shows up, often at the least opportune time, so unless it becomes a habit I am not phased. Only once did a violation of "the rules" end things and it was the repetition, not an individual act.

      Not sure if it makes any sense but that's how I see it.

      ForestElfQueen 1921 pts

      RichardBackman some people follow verbatim, others go more a la carte.

      Pearl 1375 pts

      Do you go out all of the time *alone* ?

      R. Kamaria 197 pts

      Well I just deleted my online dating profile. Now that I have proof to show my friends that even after I've done all I could do to try and make efforts to date - dudes still are lame - I now can chill.

      Not that I care soooo much about what they say, but it bothers me when they try to figure out why I'm single. Its just that I haven't met anyone I'm equally into as much as they're into me nor have I met someone who I dig and digs me back enough to make something happen. I thank everyone for your input.

      I took a screen shot of this blog post and the next time one of them asks if I'm too picky or if I "don't follow rules," I'll whip this out. Sometimes dates don't end in a connection. Sometimes they do. Simple as that.

      You may have wondered why I even sent that date update to Chris. Well I write a blog about being single in Detroit and like to share my dating experiences with people. I think my experiences are ones that a lot of women and men can relate to. So thanks again for helping me out. But seriously, online dating sucks about 20% more than offline dating. I knew after the first glass of wine that dude wasn't that into me and I knew after that whole story about the women treating him badly, that I probably wouldn't be going out again. I love this blog and the articles, advice and experiences people share. Keep it up gente!

      ForestElfQueen 1921 pts

      R. Kamaria "Well I just deleted my online dating profile..."

      noooooooooooooooo! *faints & hits head on the table*

      ForestElfQueen 1921 pts

      R. Kamaria Try. Different. Site.

      Meet. More. Guys.

      Not. Fewer.

      R. Kamaria 197 pts

      lol. I had to hun. I had to. This week alone I got about 12 messages. Half of them read "Hi sexy" or "How are you?" snooze fest. I think I'm going to allow one of my colleagues to introduce me to friends. None of my friends have people they like enough to introduce me to. So I'll see about people I do community work or business with.

      And to asnwer your question Pearl, yes. I took myself on a cruise in 2010. I've been to three concerts solo, dinners, movies and fundraising events. I meet lots of awesome, fabulous CHICKS. lol. I've met numerous women who I'd love to hook up with male friends if I had them. lol.

      Pearl 1375 pts

      R. Kamaria How about going to mostly male places... like fishing or golfing? I would go to something I know nothing about and wait until someone notices I need help because I have no idea what I'm doing.. lol

      ForestElfQueen 1921 pts

      PearlR. Kamaria excellent idea P! damsel in distress(lite)

      Pearl 1375 pts

      ForestElfQueenR. Kamaria I have all of my ideas ready lol, as a matter of fact I'll make a online dating account right on my 18th b-day lol!!

      Marcie 181 pts

      Pearl you are truly wise beyond your years. Im just getting that you are into wanting a relationship a lot. This is not a bad thing. The best part is that you are still a teenager and of course you are having and understanding the practicality of this at a young age. There are good and bad in relationships but at this age you are filtering and vetting.

      Marcie 181 pts

      So hopefully you will be making LESS mistakes that us old gunners! LOL

      eugeniamitchell 3270 pts moderator

      R. Kamaria I feel you, I think sometimes you need to take yourself out of the game. It can become frustrating to have things not pan out and I think that frustration can sometimes show up in ways we don't realize. I think taking a moment, relaxing and seeing if something happens more organically is a wise decision. I'm telling you if I hadn't meet my husband on the last date I was doing, I was just going to 'chunk it' and enjoy my own company.

      ForestElfQueen 1921 pts

      eugeniamitchellR. Kamaria " I'm telling you if I hadn't meet my husband on the last date I was doing, I was just going to 'chunk it' and enjoy my own company."

      & That's when u met your guy!.... on the verge of chucking it...so she should keeeeeeep goiiiiiiiing!!!

      Rk what about making two new profiles, not at POF. continue to delete the 'what's up' & 'hey beautiful' subject line messages and such.

      IMO, ....When you're like 'oh this is a bunch of bs', that's when you need to do more(MOAR) duty dates(coffee/tea)

      ... i'm sure that the next really funny or attractive guy who has his stuff together will totally erase mambo italiano from the slate....

      It's 'always darkest before the dawn'!! (searches desperately for another cliche)

      ....'Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water' ermmmm srtike that... not that one. lolz

      but seriously what's the harm in having the profiles (2 of 'em at least!) up?

      eugeniamitchell 3270 pts moderator

      ForestElfQueenR. Kamaria LOL. But she seems really fed up and that's a natural response. I think that can sometimes eek out into the dating experience. I wasn't exactly feed up, I was just like this isn't going well I may need to stop and reassess this situation. But if she's going to keep going, I do agree that she needs to not go on this long drawn out dates and be stuck with schmuck all night. I say hit him fast and knock these dates out. I think sometimes too that the frustration is in having to spend so much with a schmo and being stuck with him. I must say the 'duty' dates as you call them, I like that were much easier and less taxing on my time and mental health. Because I didn't invest much, you know going out the dinner and getting ready for that is an investment of time and money sometimes for women to prepare to impress the dude and yea you get all dressed up and he's a jerk, it can be seriously frustrating. And I had profiles everywhere, when it came to online. No stone was left unturned. They weren't all good but I had some exposure.

      ForestElfQueen 1921 pts

      eugeniamitchellR. Kamaria i agree. there's also 'speed dating' events. (i never tried that one, it seems fun)

      but yah it might take having a couple of profiles up to get that handful of decent, articulate, attractive, compatible viables.

      I actually preferred online to the mutual friend fix-ups since there was no 'splaining to do or awkwardness when nothing came of it. lolz.

      eugeniamitchell 3270 pts moderator

      ForestElfQueenR. Kamaria Oh I hated the set-up b/c yes when it all fell to pieces it would be awkward. And it usually did. I met my husband on Craigslist of all places, I know every time I tell ppl that they are gasping and swooning. For me no online dating site was better than another, they all some good guys and they all had players. By the time I'd done it for awhile I had online dating down to a science so I knew how to wade through the bs to get to the good potential folks. It didn't work out all the time but sometimes it did. I actually went out on a date with a guy I met online when I visited the Bay area, I was there for awhile so we saw a lot of each other. If he hadn't lived so far it might have worked out but I don't really care for long distance.

      R. Kamaria 197 pts

      ForestElfQueeneugeniamitchellR. Kamaria Great advice everyone. Trust me, I've done everything from hosting a singles Meetup group to speed dating and online dating. I seriously think I live in the most effed up state for finding a suitable mate. I live in Michigan. But as you all have recommended, the casual coffee dates are good. My first date of 2012 was with the weird guy at Panera Bread for lattes. We talked for 2 hours and it was nice. He was strange but nice for a friend.

      edenifill 69 pts

      R. Kamaria I am feeling you right now. I too haven't found anyone that I am into as much as they are into me or that I truly connect with. What's the address of your blog?

      Monique8 358 pts

      I agree with the majority of the comments posted here...Dude is not interested. So just move on. He was late, his conversation didn't appear to be focused on getting to know you and what you were all about, he insulted other women, and then texted you after words. Really? I would say trust your gut and keep it moving. If you're looking for someone to be in a LTR with he's not the one.

      EarthJeff 358 pts

      Well, time for my two cents. Especially for my pal here in the D and cold ass Michigan. I am not sure if I would necessarily ask a woman out again within two days even if I really wanted to see her again. However, I would call her and make some contact.....

      R. Kamaria 197 pts

      Wonderful comments people. This is a neat topic. Overall, I asked this question because I wanted women to see that you can follow the rules and be nice and cool and still the date doesn’t work out. In life, that’s just the way it is. Someday the most awesome dude will come along and it’ll all make sense. We just have to keep the faith and at the same time, keep it moving!

      eugeniamitchell 3270 pts moderator

      R. Kamaria Yes there are guarantees in dating or love. I think sometimes when ppl put out this if you do a, b, and c you'll find instantaneous love, what they forget is there is another human being involved in this and you can do everything 'right' and still not have a love connection. As many rules as we'd like to put on love, love has it's own set and them suckers change all the time.

      dani-BBW 118 pts

      R. Kamaria Thank you for pointing this out. Honestly, luck/fate/serendipity/kismet/God/the Universe probably plays a much bigger role in dating/attraction than any "rules" and many people fail to realize that. There are unattractive, unsociable, oddball people happily in relationships b/c it's just how it worked out for them, it was their time, you know? Making sure you are at your very best simply puts you in position for when everything fatefully aligns but it's no guarantee that poof, love WILL happen.

      Toni_M 2678 pts

      Everything about this was off from the beginning, so I'm not surprised it's a no-go. But don't take it personally. Some people are chronic time-wasters with various malfunctions. So it's a genuine "It's not you, it's me" situation.

      I agree with the advice offered and say definitely keep on and don't worry about this guy.

      Best of luck!

      Marcie 181 pts

      But truly dating is the process of getting to know someone and that is the purpose of going out with that guy. Some men just dont have tact. Frankly he shouldnt be tarnishing American women like that, esp on your first date. Was he trying to convey that you are so special and exceptional to the others? Did he forget you are American as well!
      The red flags are: Bitterness in past dates/experiences....too much baggage
      Time management....should try to make a right impression esp time keeping on a date.
      Texting! Dont people converse anymore? This means emotional detachment. With texting you are unable to pick up the true cues in voice pitch and tones. Trust me dont worry about that guy, as you have misgivings. Good dates should be as comfortable as possible.
      That guy is handsome so basically he knows he can move on to the next....its pathetic and a waste of time.

      Pearl 1375 pts

      Well it could have been fun and you both had a good time... he just wasn't into you..

      Homework: Watch "He's Just Not That Into You"...

      Pearl 1375 pts

      AND you should have another date coming up soon, so you shouldn't even have the time to worry about him, but getting ready for your new date :-D

      R. Kamaria 197 pts

      Pearl I've watched the movie and read the book. So I know the rules. But I had to have evidence to give to my friends that I am NOT the problem. They often ask "R., why are you single?" I'm going to take a screen shot to show them. I follow rules and still nothing. They don't believe it's that challenging to find someone worthy of a second date. hmmmm. Yes, it's that challenging.

      Pearl 1375 pts

      R. Kamaria AND your not going to waste time with a loser..

      Sometimes I don't understand why people ask "Why are you single" single is NOT a bad thing at all... But if you WANT a man you gotta get through all the d*cks.. like chatroulette. lol

      Jay from Philly 607 pts

      I kissed my wife at the beginning of our first date before we spoke. She didn't stop me. I was asking her out for our second date before our first date was over. We had taken the train to see each other, after I put her on the train I called her THAT NIGHT to make sure she got home okay. My point is, if he doesn't call back by the next day, move on.

      Patricia Kayden 272 pts

      jay from Philly Amen. Unfortunately, he may just not be that into her. She needs to accept that and move on.

      zabeth 207 pts

      Patricia Kaydenjay I used to take it personally when I found that a guy “wasn’t that into me”- like what’s wrong with me? Now I look at it as maybe I’m just not his cup of tea- nothing personal. I think some women get caught up in that why doesn’t he like me mentality and start to blame themselves.

      eugeniamitchell 3270 pts moderator

      zabethPatricia Kaydenjay Women should never take that personally but many times we do and we're so heart broke and devastated. As everyone is not our cup of tea nor are we everyone's cup of tea. Such is life.

      R. Kamaria 197 pts

      eugeniamitchellzabethPatricia Kaydenjay I went on three dates with a guy once and wasn't physically attracted. He was nice but not for me. I understand the same goes for me to some men. I sometimes try not to take it personally. But really, my friends seem to think I make this isht#$*%& up. lol. I don't!