Hi Christelyn!
I have been a silent lurker for the past couple of months and I have to say that I am really enjoying your site! I just got reading your Question of the week on where the girl had never dated outside her race before and the comments where pretty informing. I too have that same problem but worse! I have never dated anyone before! I’m 20yrs old, in college and planning my future, but it has always been tough for me to connect with men. I have been told that I am intimidating and that is why guys wont approach me, and then guys that I see around me, have really weak auroras so I find myself not interested in them. So my question is how do I become less intimidating to talk to if I have no idea what about me is intimidating? According to my sister and friends, I should smile more, and then my friends have also told me that I just look like I wont take any bs. So am I suppose to smile everywhere I go or when I am walking to class, it all seems so tedious to me. So please if you would give me some pointers on how to look less intimidating.
Best Wishes, “G”
G, I thank sweet begeezus you wrote in, because it gives all of us at BB&W the opportunity to school on all the stuff we shoulda-woulda-coulda done if only someone had sat down with us to give us the scoop on college dating. I’m in the process of creating and editing an informational video on how to maximize your dating options in college, and you’re THE target, so…bull’s eye. In the meantime, let’s address your chief concern, which is your feeling that you might look too intimidating to be approached by the opposite sex. My advice? The best way to disabuse the notion that you’re intimidating is to convince your peers that you are not. As a student, you are in a prime position to immerse yourself in clubs, organizations, volunteers work, PARTIES (please go to parties for lawd’s sake) and mixers. Note of caution: Don’t insulate yourself in all the Black Student Union crew, which tend to be the progeny of the Guardians of All Things Dark & Lovely (GAT-DL for short). I’m not saying not to be involved at all, but the goal is to prevent you from the tendency black people have of self-segregating, which inherently hamstrings your ability to hamstring your options.
Next thing, watch your body language. Take a little self inventory. The next time a boy looks at you for longer than three seconds, take note on how you react. Do you freeze? Do you quickly look away? Do you frown? If you do any of those things, they yeah–you’re intimidating. Even if you don’t mean it to be, shyness is often mistaken for disinterest or worse–hostility.
I have a boatload more, but it would just take away the fun of having others in the BB&W Crew weigh in with their sage advice.
Have at it, ladies!
My college days are not too far back and let me tell you, I was in the SAME situation. I kept my mind busy with having crushes though: couldn't expect much coming from a Christian school where students mainly dated who they wanted to marry. What quality/ies about you do your friends believe are intimidating? All hope is not lost. Immerse yourself in organizations and activities that will expose you to other cultures. It will result in observers seeing you as being open. For example, when I was in college, I was in the Gospel Choir (multiethnic), Korean Club and I played intramural sports. I had a friend of mine, who is Asian, tell me that me being in the club helped them to learn that not all black people are mean (this particular student grew up being bullied by students who happened to be black). I did not do anything in particular to quell this person's fears; just my mere presence, interactions, and involvement with other members was the "it" factor. I had no idea this person felt this way.
This may be an extreme example; truth be told, African-Americans are very self segregating, which is why when I was in high school, I did not hang with the stereotypical "black crew", who in my opinion were at school for looks and not learning.
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