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to Swirl
How to date, mate and relate. Mixing race, culture and creed.
Question of the Week: “I’m Over 40–Am I Too Old to Swirl?”
One reader on our Beyond Black & White Facebook fan page asked the question. Young and old, time to chime in.
Not too late. The end.
Joyce345 major concision ^.^
Here's my dilemma, I want to date in my peer group but the rainbeaus that show interest in me are either 20year younger or 20 years older. Help. LOL. Btw, I'm in my early40's. I get why the older men are interested but these young ins must think I'm there age.
cns date the younger ones too?
Elfe Yep date them
I had a man that wanted to marry me when I was 24. At the time, I was about to graduate college and had no idea what I wanted. I knew marriage, at that time, was not right for me. He had it all planned out: the time of year, date, how many kids, their names. He was in the Coast Guard and had plans to be stationed in Hawaii and other places around the country. I was to follow him around. I asked him, "I have to give up so much. What will you have to give up?" His answer, "Nothing."
Needless to say, we broke up (he broke up with me because I was so unsure. Hey, I was young...thing was, so was he)
Looking back, damn good decision. Yeah, I'm single, but I know so much more now. If I did marry him, we would be divorced; I know it. I was not in a good place and he didn't support me on that.
Some times, I do believe it's too late for me. Then again, I'm not putting any effort into finding a mate either. Chicken before the egg, you know.
ChristieRJohnson The fact that he had it all mapped out with no input from you screams "control freak". It's your life, too, and as half of that proposed partnership your needs and goals should've been taken into consideration. You were very wise to know enough to turn him down. Did you have friends and family members saying "Girl, what's wrong with you? You're lettin' a good man get away!"
Grace of God, no. My parents were cool with my choice and my family members didn't really know him, it was mostly a long distance relationship.
Marriage scares me a little. I try to get advice, but most of my family members aren't married or been up to bat more than twice. Why take advice from someone who's life isn't much better than mine.
My parents have been married for 45yrs. They met when my Ma was in high school. I love my Ma, but her and I don't have the same spirit, so her advice would be from her spirit. I would like to ask someone who has the same restless spirit as mine. How do they make it work without going crazy?
I remember talking to my Ma about him and I told her that I couldn't marry him. She said to me, "Knowing you, I couldn't see it either."
ChristieRJohnson In late September my parents will have been married for 45 years, as well. Like you, I have a restless spirit. My mother is actually not much of an advocate for marriage. She's not anti-marriage, but were she to have the opportunity, to do it all over again, she said that more than likely she would've gone into the military instead of marrying my dad just before her 20th birthday. There was a lot that she didn't find out about him and his family until after they were married and living with his parents. Of course times were very different back then.
I personally don't know if I'll ever get married. Since I don't want children, getting married has never been close to the top of my list of things that I want in my life. Right now I'm spending time exploring different interests as I prepare to transition into another field so that I can finally have a career. I've been seeing someone for a while, but I know that marriage isn't on his mind, which is fine because it's not on mine either.
grrlysquirrel75 The older I get, the more I want a long term relationship, whether that would be marriage or long term commitment. I'm 37yrs old and I feel like time is ticking so fast. There is so much I want to do, including being in a good and healthy relationship. I can go to Spain or wherever, but I can't make a man fall in love with me. I feel like I have to choose. And I have a feeling that I'll be choosing me and wind up being alone.
@ChristieRJohnson I'll be 37 in September, on my parents' anniversary, so you and I are the same age. I also wouldn't mind having a long-term committed relationship. As far as travelling or whatever else you want to do, don't feel like it's an either/or type of situation. Who knows? You might find a man that wants to go to Spain with you. Keep your eyes, your mind, and your heart open. Right now my current situation works for me, but if I wake up one morning and decide that I want something a bit more serious, and the guy I'm currently seeing isn't on the same page, he knows that I will look elsewhere.
Wendy Williams used a term several weeks ago that I liked and is very much me now. She said she "swanned" and I know I did too because I look way better at 42 than I did at 22! I get way more email replies from the youngin's than when I was a youngin'! LOL! I had some freaky 17 year old tell me he thought I was a 20 something MILF! I was like whaaaa?!?!? Now I'm being contacted by some 26 y.o. from Moracco.
In other words, you are not too old to swirl after 40! I sure as shootin' have more to offer now than I ever did 20 years ago. Conversation is definately better because I have more life experience. I'm hella more interesting cuz I've done some thangs!
Seenyc
Hi there: I could not agree with you more about becoming a swan after a certain age. It can be easy for people to forget that for these same women, 'swirling' was not so much of an option to find love when they were younger. If people think that the negative feedback currently being directed towards BW who swirl is bad now, they should have come of age in the 80's. It seems that swirling, at least openly, is now much more acceptable than it was just a few decades ago when these women were in their prime. Like you said, when a person reaches a certain age, chances are that they will bring more to a relationship because they know who they are and can make better choices. And, just a thought, my grandmother was still turning heads when she was well into her late seventies. It just goes to show you, black don't crack!
@Seenyc Swanned, I like that. One of the reasons my husband told me he found me attractive is b/c I had some life experience and not bad looking for a woman in her late 30s at the time we meet. Now that I'm 40, I feel fantastic about myself and my life. Confidence is sexy.
Dang! I wish I could remember the name of the senior citizens' dating site I met Beloved Spouse on, I'd sure pass it along! There were plenty strange replies, but we all know you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. We agreed not to tell anyone we met online, because our "children" (mine is 38, his are 44 and 49 and they all live in other states) would tell us that venue is for losers.
MixedUpInVegas I met my dh online too. I had a profile on an int'l social site(this was 1998, it's since closed down) and he wrote to me. At first we were kind of mumbly when asked about how we met but not anymore.
Uh Lord no, I wrote a blog a couple of days ago about being older and dating because I had already been Swirling, called "Dating in the Age of Dumba$$es-Will Anyone Love Me For Who I am? or How I Overcame Feeling Awkward and Old When I Started to Date Again-Pt. 3" http://wp.me/p1LNjf-cy you're never too old to go for what you want and be happy.
Ok, the old lady of the board is about to speak. Please know, my dear sisters, that it is NEVER too late to find your man, regardless of race. My elderly widowed mother dated a wm for several years (both over 70) until he needed to move closer to family for health reasons. I found my husband 3 years after I was widowed after a very long marriage. I am 63, he is 73. We just had our 7th anniversary yesterday. Our kids are grown, graduated and gone (hooray!!) and we are having the time of our lives!
The silly hangups and concerns we have tend to melt away after middle age. It is natural at that point to believe that you have paid your dues, raised your family, met all your obligations and now is the time to live for yourself. You really don't give a tinker's damn what people think of you and your behavior anymore; in fact, scandalous behavior is more fun after middle age because no one expects you to be anything but a dull old lady. As has been the case my entire life, I love to prove others wrong.
MixedUpInVegas My mommy is "dating" a WM as well and she's 76!
@Karla @MixedUpInVegas Love it!
Karla MixedUpInVegas When I grow up, I want to be like your Mom...
Morenika Me too!
@MixedUpInVegas LOL, you are one wild and crazy woman! Keep the fun up!
MixedUpInVegas A tinker's damn, I love it! Thanks for the encouragement!
MixedUpInVegas I love your story MixedUpInVegas! And you're 63... go 'head!!!! :) Enjoy your hubby!
Go on and get yours, girl! Forty-plus is definitely not too old to swirl. As someone else mentioned, a lot of men of other races may have been too afraid to swirl when they were younger because of what others might think, but now that they're older they're ready to do what's going to make them happy. Treat yourself well, keep your expectations realistic, and get out there and do your thang!
grrlysquirrel75 That's what I'm saying! When my widowed aunt said a white man asked her out, I was like, "Ok, this guy's making up for lost time! Go for it!" But, nah, she wasn't interested. But, I get the sense that at least some men are no longer held back by whatever it was holding them back.
Lili2009 That's a damn shame! Very few people get to experience love again after being widowed, but this could've been her shot. Oh well, she knows what she likes. Aside from social conventions, fear of rejection may have been hoding this guy back when he was younger. I was talking to one of my Twitter friends about interracial dating and when he found out that I exclusively date interracially his tone changed and he became very flirty. I think for the most part most non-black men assume that all black women only want to date black men.
grrlysquirrel75 Yuppers, bummer for Lili2009s' mom. Shoulda jumped on that (bwwwwwaaahhhhaaaa).
Do your thang!!!!! lmao!
I don't think 40 is too old. But as someone that married young (I was 23 years old, my husband was 25 years old), I think its best to start earlier than later. But if you find yourself older, single and interested in swirling, by all means go for it!
@The Working Home Keeper True, most things are better when one is younger. However, for the more mature crowd it is still best to have swirled for 10 or 20 years then never to have enjoyed that experience.
ann4950 Better to have swirled than to have never swirled at all! That's true!
The Working Home Keeper ann4950 " Better to have swirled than to have never swirled at all! "
LOL! good one!
To the lady who wrote in, it's not too late. I'm 45 and I've been swirling for at least six or seven years. To me, it's been so much easier dating rainbeaus over 40. They are not into playing games or having more than one woman. And, also, I have found that OK Cupid is the best online dating site to meet men over 40. I've met two men on there this year.
friendswmimi I agree about OKCupid. I do find it interesting that my matches are almost exclusively non black men.
That afroromance site is not a great place.
Why is that?
AnInterestedObserver
Some of the men what to just play online games.
friendswmimi I agree. It's definitely not too late if you're in your 40s. I'm in my early 40s and still out there. Just as important...good points made by many re: maximizing your younger years (20s) if getting married and having a family is a priority. For me, it comes down to being clear about priorities -- what works for you and what do you need and want most at any given stage in your life. There are always trade offs and decisions within every stage of life. If you want to find that special someone, if you want to get married, then by all means GO AFTER IT! Sure, you may encounter some challenges along the way in your 40s that you might not have encountered in your 20s; but bottom line "age ain't nothing but a number."
40 isn't too old to do anything. Heck, My 68 year old aunt was asked out by a white guy. (She said no for her own personal reasons (or hang ups!) I'm having my 2nd baby at 42. It may take more careful planning, but everything/anything can be done as long as you can breath.
OMG, I will be 40 on Sunday and I definitely say no. In fact 40 is like the new 30. Its not middle aged.. My Mother is middle aged at 60. You like who you like and if it is with a person of another culture/race and you are 40 and above, does not have any bearing on age and swirling.... I am not tied to one specific mate (really not dating), but I am still waiting for the right one....
Forty is definitely not too old to swirl. I encourage swirling till the death bed. And if heaven has a singles bar, swirl there too!
I don't know, I'm in my mid 20's and I'm honestly looking forward to getting older, more seasoned and mature. Everyone is racing the clock, 21 year olds are crying that they're old. But there is one saying that has always stuck with me ... growing old is a privilege. And me, I hated my teens, and I'm only now beginning to stomach my 20's. I hear women older than me talk about how they come into their own in their 30's and 40's. Let go of unnecessary nonsense and just live their lives. I can't wait for that. I mean, I'm enjoying my 20's right now, but I'm just saying, I don't dread getting older in feeling that once I reach a certain age I'll be too old for this or that.
Currently, I'm in a relationship that could very well be it for me. But if I happened to find myself single at 40, I would embrace it and swirl till the cows come home. I honestly picture myself being a cougar at that age :P Or maybe I'll find me a silver fox George Clooney type to really make um jealous. If I was never married, by that age, I don't know if I would even want to be. But I would definitely not let that stop me from dating and having relationships. I would love to spend those years traveling and just taking in culture and enjoying life, and many different men 8-) I know for many black women, the focus is marriage, as is mine. But I don't believe that marriage has to be the end result for someone to be happy.
But even if that is your focus, by all means... people really act like people of other races and genders don't marry later in life, don't get divorced and remarried... what have you. Once you find that person, half the time it feels like you've been together forever anyway. I don't know why anyone would allow such trivial reservations get in the way of their happiness.
VintageNarcissa "Forty is definitely not too old to swirl. I encourage swirling till the death bed. And if heaven has a singles bar, swirl there too! "
LOL! ^.^
"But there is one saying that has always stuck with me ... growing old is a privilege. "
Great point!<3
A privilege....denied to many.
VintageNarcissa Hey Vintage,
A woman should enjoy every decade she gets b/c its a blessing. Enjoy your 20's. Don't worry you will have your chance to get older. LOL.
It is true however, that after a certain point, a woman does develop a confidence that she normally doesn't have in her 20's. I know I did. Then you get to a point where you just "get life" for what it is and live to enjoy and try to maximize everyday. i now date frequently men of all ages (sometimes younger, sometimes around the same age and sometimes older). What i have discovered about myself at this point in my life is, I am quite comfy in just living. i am not desperate as i was before. I understand i waited quite awhile before getting my physical house in order and that HAS cost me many of my prime years. but hey, we live we learn. i still have some insecurities but now I feel I am for the most part at one with who I am as a woman and a Black owman.
But enjoy every decade b/c they are blessings. yes even your 20's are blessings. And as others said is is just a number, but we should also be mindful of the things we wanna accomplish in love and be aware that there are more opportune and easier times to get what we want.
last. i hate the term and idea of "Cougars" and it saddnes me to hear a young woman like yourself say she looks forward to being a Cougar. i think Cougarism is waay too glorified and sends the wrong message to women. believe me a lot of women living the Cougar life are not as happy as they appear to be. I know Sex In the City glamourized cougar life, but i am not so sure that is the be all that they protray it to be. No Cougar life for me even though i could do it since I still attarct guys younger than myself.
Many Cougars are in and out of sexual relatoinships with younger guys who they know will most likely only be around temporarily. I am not sure any young women shoud aspire to be a cougar. if it happens it happens. But something about htis whole "cougarism" just doesn't sit right with me. b/C what it does is give younger women this idea that they have forever to hold onto the phsycial attributes. After a certain pooint a woman should present her beauty and self in a different manner than when she did when she was in her 20's or 30's. When I see Cougars, i see women who really can't let go of the idea of aging gracefully.
That's just My opinion though. You have to do what is best for your life ;)
Neecy I "hate" the term "Cougar", the implication, IMO, is that if a woman is over 40 and wanting to date after a long marriage, divorce, or widowed, then she is (a) predator. Predators seek out food or enemy then strike to kill its prey. Cannot stand this term. Like Wendy Williams' (of all people) I liked her term "Swan", this implies grace, substance, and (at times) high style (not necessarily $$$), and grace under (certain) pressures. So I agree with you, Neecy, I think this term should be eliminated from our speech and soul.
40 is not old "ANYMORE" I have more faith in myself at 40 that in my twenties. And I am swirling my ass off.
Taking care of yourself and u can look twenty-something in your 40's .
Definitely not your mama’s relationship book…
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It's never to late. Nuff said!
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