Beyond Black & White
Chronicles, Musings and Debates about Interracial & Intercultural Relationships
June 10, 2012 | Christelyn Karazin |
June 10, 2012 at 10:30 pm
Haven’t clicked yet (listening to a podcast) but wanna say you look gorgeous in the still!! werk!
June 10, 2012 at 11:13 pm
Ok just listened! Excellent message about making the most of the opportunities of youth! Also I agree that older women should be less wary of meeting people through online sites. Yes, take those basic ‘stranger danger’ safety precautions etc. of course but don’t just totallu ignore that pool of possible mates. It’s not a ton of effort to make a profile and post a couple of pix. You never know who who’ll see it and decide to write to you.
That said, you look awesome, C…i’m loving all of it!<3 Poor Wanxi’s missin’ out. 😛
June 11, 2012 at 12:42 am
@Elfe I agree Elfe. Online search is best for older Black women looking to try to start dating interracially.
And yes I am loving Chrissy’s HAT!! 😀
June 11, 2012 at 8:59 am
@Elfe Thank you my dear!
June 11, 2012 at 12:05 am
ITA Chris. And thank you for pointing out the reality that younger BW need to maximize opportunities. I’m prolly gonna catch flack for this post but Oh wells!!!
****DISCLAIMER*** Before you older gals decide to stone me to death for writing the below post I am 38 years old so……
If I were an older BW I would avoid saying to any Non Black guy that when you were younger (and in your prime) you weren’t interested in dating IR. LOL He will surely look at you crazy – that look like “well what makes you think we all want you now that you’re older and have given Black men all of you best years!”
That may sound harsh but ladies its the reality. He may not say it but a guy with options would certainly at some point be thinking it. And White men are the most UNFORGIVING when it comes to age and women aging. Its bets to hook them and find them while you are still young b/c they will typically stick with you and grow with you. Many don’t find older women as appealing as younger women. I didn’t say *ALL” I said MANY or at least the ones with a boatload of options in women.
Of course the upside is or the downside however you wanna look at it (I’m a glass half full kinda gal) is you will still be younger than a guy who is 5 – 10 years older than you even at 40. So if you are fine with dating a little older then you’re gonna be juuust fine. and in the better senarios you just may find a white guy around your age who has no interest in being with a younger gal for other reasons.
Most men hit their peaks (physically and even fiancially) much later than women do (usually 30’s and 40’s) and typically they have a wider range of options with women much younger. We all know younger women in late 20’s and early 30’s have no probs dating and marrying men at least 10 years thier senior b/c women generally loook for different qualities in men than men would in a woman. We are more apt to go for a guy who has his isht together and is at least fairly decent looking. That means for us pushing 40 and a little over 40, you are competing with women at least 10 years younger than you for the men in your age group. Whose gonna fair the best??? It aint fair, but its the reality. I’ve accepted it but i feel us older gals should pass wisdom onto the younger ones still in their prime to be SMART.
The reality in my opinion is if you want to date a White guy, you best start early! I find they are typically more obsessed with youth than most other races of men. I’m just re-iterating this b/c younger Black women who may be on the fence need to make a decision and need to understand this EARLY. One of the GOOD things I can say about Black men and other ethnic men is they typically aren’t as age obsessed as White males. So as BW we may be thinking that WHite men may see things the same way, but honestly many don’t.
Black owmen spend way too much time throwing away thier youth and best beauty years on sorry assed Black men ignoring all the cute and desirable Non Black men who are interested, and then when you get tired or have been through a boatload of drama with BM and are ready to settle you have past your prime years and want to snag a Non Black man??? that aint gonna be easy – especially if youa re PICKY about looks, height and such.
Black women need to get the memo. When you are younger and in your 20’s this is the PERRFECT time you need to be maximizing your opportunities to date interracilly. Not when you are 40 (or even late 30’s)and older b/c its just gonna get harder. This of course is not to say you can’t or won’t find anyone in your late 30’s and over but he will most likely be much older. I know I will find a great guy whether its now or in 5 years or whenever. I’m not desperate nor will i settle, but im not delusional either. i still look amazing for my age and could on my best days pass for late 20’s or early 30’s. But that doesn’t change the reality that i am NOT 20 and I am competeing with women who are. i am not so silly to believe I have the same options that a 20 soemthing year old woman or woman in her ealr 30’s have. I’m not sad or depressed, I’m just one that understands it for what it is and that’s it.
Also. us older gals – You better chop down that long list of *STUFF* you require in a man (the superficial stuff) bc in this society a woman over 40 and who is pushing 40 is not at the top of the heap on most men with lots of options. Your picks of the litter decreases as you get older. When you are still young and in in 20’s you have a wider pool of desirable Non black men to pick from.
Before you start throwing rocks at me this is coming from a 38 year old woman myself. LOL It is what it is ladies. I would rather help the youngins who still have ample opportunities to understand the TRUTH liek Chris pointed out.
I previously knew a woman my age who absolutely demands that any guy she dates must be over 6 feet tall and super hot. LOL okay sweetie. Good luck with that!
Don’t compromise on your values and the quality things a mate must have, but if you are demaning he be 6 feet tall with a bank account that stretches across the globe and damn near PERFECT? uuuuh. yeah. good luck with that. LOL
June 11, 2012 at 6:11 am
@Neecy I am so glad you are back on here, telling it like it is <3
June 11, 2012 at 6:28 am
I also seen older women running around with these laundry list of what they well accept in a man that are totally unrealistic.
A certain fitness level….that you yourself do not possess.
Hair ……you would be suprised at how many women expect a full head of hair on a middle aged guy.
And the big one. The past relationship. Most older guys will have been married or have been in relationships at some point in their past. Like it or not that baggage is coming along with him so brace yourself.
Finally give the guy a break. Some older guys have been out of the dating game for years. so may be a little rusty. I have know many men who a newly divorced or widowed who would much rather impale them selves on a pike than to have to start that process all over.
June 11, 2012 at 7:03 am
@Brenda55@Neecy “A certain fitness level….that you yourself do not possess.”
LORD, I am having flashbacks to some ugliness. :S
The Working Home Keeper says
June 11, 2012 at 6:50 am
@Neecy “Black women need to get the memo. When you are younger and in your 20’s this is the PERRFECT time you need to be maximizing your opportunities to date interracilly.”
YES, YES, YES!
@Neecy Neecy, your pic looks beautiful and I am thriled beyond words to see you back.
June 11, 2012 at 10:41 pm
Hello Dahling?? How’s the fam? Glad to be back as well. Was just looking at my IPIG I won and thought about you and how I wanted to hug and kill you at the same time for picking the YELLOW one for me and not the Pink. LOL
June 11, 2012 at 9:42 am
@Neecy Neecy!!! Hey!!!
Why did I think you were like, 32???
I have no dog in this fight really, so I’ll just co-sign you and Brenda. I guess too it depends on what exactly one is looking for past 40… over 40 is definitely NOT too old to swirl and you might actually have more luck doing so. That being said, I think most of the over 40s I see successfully swirling are ones who were previously married/have kids already and are dating non-BM in the same demographic… and not necessarily looking for marriage.
I think it could be harder for the never married over 40 BWs who do want marriage and possibly children still, and are hoping to find a guy in their age range who is seeking the same.
One thing that definitely works in a BW’s favor though is how well we age. 🙂
BUNNNNNNY!!! How’s Little Bunny?
As always you are on point!
June 11, 2012 at 9:56 am
@Neecy I definitely agree with this. The only thing I will say is, I can understand your reasoning of white (non black) men not being as forgiving about age… but I like to think that the kinds of rainbeau men that date black women find attractive in black women things very different than they may find attractive in white (non-black) women. I’ve heard many a rainbeau comment about liking the fact that black women can maintain a youthful appearance as they age. I wouldn’t discredit that a man would appreciate a youthful looking woman with a mature state of mind.
June 11, 2012 at 10:39 pm
@VintageNarcissa True very true. but it has since the beginning of time always been ideal for men to find younger women in thier prime for marriage and starting families. All i am trying to point out is too many Black women believe things stay the same for ever and they don’t. Yes we age very well and all. but there is still a better time to have children and start families and meet men who are in thier prime – and that is when you are YOUNGER.
Of course people can and DO find love at any age, but the message needs to be clear to young black women in their prime to not sit around . its best to start as early as you can when doing swirling – especially if you want a family.. You even mentioned that you couldn’t wait to be a cougar. See how imperssionalble and misinformed young Black women and moreso White women are? There is nothing great about being a cougar. but society would have young women believe that they have forever to utilize thier physical beauty to obtain desirable men – the reality is YOU don’t.
That’s is all i am pointing out. Don’t wait till 40 to try to bank on finding love. START as early as you can. if it doesn’t happen until after 40 – GREAT! But don’t sit and believe you will have the same kinds of options at 40 that you did or may have at 20. I know I will find the right guy one of these days. but often times i tell myself I should have given myself more time when i was younger to do this. i don’t think too many people give Black women good sound advice until its too late or when its late int he game and they are now scarmblinbg at the last minute to find a husband and to have children (if this is what they want)..
June 11, 2012 at 11:35 am
Girl, you are one smart cookie for being so young! Glad to hear you tell it like ’tis!
June 11, 2012 at 10:25 pm
@MixedUpInVegas Thx BABE! 😉 It all comes with age. LOL
June 11, 2012 at 2:40 am
IMO. In the end its a numbers game. The older you get the more men in your age group have already paired off so finding that special someone takes more effort. It is that way for both sexes.
You can date and eventually marry over forty. I did. If I had it to do over I would have been more deliberate in finding a husband at a younger age since marriage was what I knew I wanted from the time I graduated high school. I fell into that category of women that felt she had all the time in the world and then found myself age 38 with few prospects. Looking for a husband at that age is an adventure and I do not wish that on anyone.
You will find your needle in a haystack but is it a lot easier to find that needle when the haystack is loaded with needles than after every one else has picked through it finding theirs.
If you are over forty then use all of the resources you have available. From having friends introduce you to people to on line dating.
One thing the over forty group does is fall into a rut. We get set in our ways, going the same places we always have and doing the same old things with the same group of friends we have always had. If your social circle has necked down to a few BFF’s then you are going to have a rough time. If you want marriage, which it self is a major change in your life you really need to make some other changes in order to achieve that goal. Changes in your social life really, expanding your pool of friends and associated needs to be one of them.
June 11, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Brenda great post. I feel often times young BW don’t ever get the full cabosh to make the kids of decision they neeed to for their lives. We need to be mroe diligent as the maturer BW to tell them everything and let them know all of the options from both angles so they can make the best decisions.
There was no one around to give me the knuckle to the forehead when i was in my prime to really really start thinking about what i want in a relationship and how to get started while I was at the peak of my youth and beauty (although i honestly don’t look any different today than I did in my mid to late 20’s)..
June 11, 2012 at 3:57 am
If I were an older BW I would avoid saying to any Non Black guy that when you were younger (and in your prime) you weren’t interested in dating IR. LOL He will surely look at you crazy – that look like “well what makes you think we all want you now that you’re older and have given Black men all of you best years!”
So true. Some black women dont realize that some things are better left unsaid.
Black women spend way too much time throwing away thier youth and best beauty years on sorry assed Black men ignoring all the cute and desirable Non Black men who are interested, and then when you get tired or have been through a boatload of drama with BM and are ready to settle you have past your prime years and want to snag a Non Black man??? that aint gonna be easy – especially if youa re PICKY about looks, height and such.
I used to tell my girlfriends all the time that black women give all of their pretty years to black men. I heard that at a lot of the interracial meetups in NY, Cali, and DC, the majority of the people there are women who are usually over 40 and overweight. I have a sister who is educated, successful, overweight and has a long laundry list and thinks that she is a prize because of her accomplishments. I look much younger (late 20’s) than she does> I am in good shape, I look at least 10 years younger than I am and looks are not on the top of my list. A lot of black women are delusional.
I can say, however, that I am happy about the fact that I am seeing a lot more black girls in their 20’s date out. I am very happy about that.
I read two good articles about black women and weight that I found interesting:
I think this one is ridiculous and sad
I am happy about the fact that because so much has been reported on black women and fat that you wont see another generation of so many fat black women. There are just too many fat, black women out there….
June 11, 2012 at 4:40 am
O_o we are talking that weight thing again.
Incoming in 5…4…3…2…1
Seriously you make good points. I will add this to the above:
I like what Erika says here. “You will never be able to out-train a bad diet. ” which is what that second article you posted is saying.
June 11, 2012 at 6:18 am
@Brenda55 @Vera123 I’ve already put on one of these:
I’ll be in the bunker!
June 11, 2012 at 10:02 am
Deepwater Horizon says
June 12, 2012 at 9:46 am
June 11, 2012 at 3:09 pm
@Brenda55 @Vera123 I have been reading Erika for a week now. I was researching self-esteem for black women(Maybe Dissertation Subject) and I now receive her emails.. I love her blog site. I have not started blogging on it, this one keeps me out of trouble.. lol
June 11, 2012 at 6:01 am
@Vera123 Lol at a bunch of overweight bw at these events. I noticed that as well, at least for the DC Interracial meetups. 90% of the attendees are overweight older bw. Only a few men attend, and they are usually overweight as well, which is why I usually don’t attend their events. But the men have their pick at these events, so maybe it will work out for one of them.
June 11, 2012 at 7:04 pm
@Mel_woman I have noticed that you will see black men who are in shape dating overweight WW, yet when its an overweight black women the rainbeau is also overweight as well. Even the pictures on Evia’s website show this.
June 11, 2012 at 8:17 pm
I have an associate who is a good looking dark black man with an overweight plain white girl. Whenever I see that I think that the guy is really bad off.
June 11, 2012 at 8:23 pm
@Vera123 I think black men of any socioeconomic level can get a skinny woman. Aren’t there skinny poor white women? If not he could definitely find a skinny black women….but then again she won’t be as valuable if she was white 🙁
June 11, 2012 at 8:26 pm
@Vera123 @gagagirl See now I’m not gonna go there.
He may just like it that way. She may just be treating him the way he likes it.
Come on us fat and plain gals need love too.
There seems to be this thing where people question the reason a drop dead gorgeous person hooks up the the plain person. If the guy is plain she has to be with him for his money. If the gal is plain he has to want her cause she is doing some freaky stuff to him.
No it may just the plain person is nice and the good looking person is not shallow.
June 11, 2012 at 8:30 pm
@Brenda55 @Vera123 Sorry thats not what I meant. My innitial comment was in response to why the interracial mixers had so many overweight BW and WM, and that I have noticed many of these couples on Evias website. I did not have any reason as to why this happens. I was just highlighting a pattern.
June 11, 2012 at 8:34 pm
@gagagirl @Vera123 I did not take offence. I am just offering a possible explanation. There is a sub set of people who like their lovers with a little meat on their bones. To each his or her own I always say.
June 11, 2012 at 10:27 pm
@Brenda55 “Come on us fat and plain girls need love too”
Plain? Ah…. As I said in my last post…. I cant see in the dark anyway….
June 12, 2012 at 3:57 am
@EarthJeff Right you are, right you are but some of us live dangerously and leave the lights on. (^_-)
June 12, 2012 at 5:42 am
@Vera123 @gagagirl Some people like fat women, others like boring women, not everyone wants skinny is what I’m trying to say.
June 12, 2012 at 9:48 am
June 13, 2012 at 6:28 am
@Brenda55 “Right you are, right you are but some of us live dangerously and leave the lights on. (^_-)”
Well, I suppose a nice scarf blindfold might also be a solution… Oh, heck, I suppose one real upside to lights on and both being able to see allows for both to look into each other’s eyes… one of the most soulful interactions possible between two people.
June 13, 2012 at 6:29 am
@Brenda55 “”Come on us fat and plain girls need love too”
So do us old, graying, crusty, grouchy, creaky-boned gentlemen as well….
June 13, 2012 at 9:00 am
Ah but…… do you old, graying, crusty, grouchy, creaky-boned gentlemen know when some chick is hitting on you? That is the question. Guys get past a certain age and they get really, really dense.
June 13, 2012 at 9:29 am
@Brenda55 “Ah but…… do you old, graying, crusty, grouchy, creaky-boned gentlemen know when some chick is hitting on you? That is the question. Guys get past a certain age and they get really, really dense.”
Sure we do. Chicks never hit on us anymore 🙁 Although I will defer to you wisdom how we do start to get really, really dense. And we get hair starting to grow out of places (nose…. ears…) that hair was never supposed to grow out of….
June 13, 2012 at 11:51 am
Jeff I am going to tell you something that may come as a surprise. You have developed a fan club. A couple of us have noticed a few ladies here pitching them over the plate in your direction.
Started happening after you posted your photo.
We figured that you were not picking up on it.
June 13, 2012 at 2:13 pm
” …..A couple of us have noticed a few ladies here pitching them over the plate in your direction.
Started happening after you posted your photo.
We figured that you were not picking up on it. ”
mmmmmmhmmmm *married but not blind* ^.^
June 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm
@Elfe @EarthJeff I’d date him.
June 13, 2012 at 2:35 pm
@Brenda55 @EarthJeff Me too. @MochaZ also concurred that EJ is indeed booable.
June 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm
@Elfe @Brenda55 @EarthJeff “mmmmmmhmmmm *married but not blind* ^.^”
LOL! Same here Elfe!
I think Jeff is just being modest. I don’t believe this bit about being shy and unable to find a girlfriend!
June 13, 2012 at 3:08 pm
@The Working Home Keeper @Elfe @EarthJeff Maybe the women in Detroit have visions problems. I know the photo he provided was in casual clothes. Bet he’d look nice in a sport coat and slacks. What do you think about that navy blue blazer and tan slacks with loafers look?
June 13, 2012 at 3:24 pm
@Brenda55 @Elfe @EarthJeff “Maybe the women in Detroit have visions problems.”
That must be it Brenda!
June 13, 2012 at 3:38 pm
@Brenda55 @EarthJeff Are you a Michigander Earth Jeff??
June 13, 2012 at 5:44 pm
@Morenika @Brenda55 “Are you a Michigander Earth Jeff??”
I am. With the exception of living in North Carolina for a couple of really nice years after I got out of college (the first time) and got my very first “real” job as a Medical Technologist , I have lived in Michigan all my life. Right now I teach in Detroit and live out in Ypsilanti. Makes for a not-too-ugly commute downtown.
June 13, 2012 at 5:50 pm
@Brenda55 “Jeff I am going to tell you something that may come as a surprise. You have developed a fan club. A couple of us have noticed a few ladies here pitching them over the plate in your direction.”
Fan club? Wow, how will I ever keep my ego in check now? Fan club? Llke some pro ballplayer without the 86 million dollar contract? I will have to get a 12 carat diamond stud (I do have one ear pierced) and find myself an entourage. Where the heck am I going to find an entourage? I suppose I can hire some of my students – maybe entice them with extra credit – to follow me around. Problem is that they are all 14 and 15. I am significantly older…. that would just look freaky…. wouldnt look like a proper entourage. It would look like I am taking them on a field trip or something…
June 13, 2012 at 7:34 pm
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 I remember seeing your picture recently during your post. Were you at the restaurant, Blue Nile maybe two week ago? I looked at this person (possibly you and wondered)….
June 13, 2012 at 8:06 pm
@EarthJeff A pierced ear? See I knew you were cool. Do you sport a stud or a hoop?
Oh and I am not kidding about the fan club. U.R. seen as a catch.
June 14, 2012 at 8:39 am
@Morenika @Brenda55 “Were you at the restaurant, Blue Nile maybe two week ago? I looked at this person (possibly you and wondered)….”
No, not me. I do know that restaurant but never been there. Do you live out Washtenaw County way?
June 14, 2012 at 8:43 am
@Brenda55 “A pierced ear? See I knew you were cool. Do you sport a stud or a hoop?”
Actually when I first got is pierced at 40 – my midlife crisis – I favored hoop. Last few years I go with a stud. This year I have gotten out of the habit of wearing one at all because the school I teach at does not allow them for the guys, student or staff. Although…. this will be corny… when I have a regular special lady I want us to get a pair of earrings and each wear one…. I know that is silly…. I am into cutesy romantic stuff sometimes…
June 14, 2012 at 8:46 am
@Morenika @Brenda55 I remember back on one post someone – SwirlGirl maybe – made a comment that there was more to me than meets the eye, or some unknown details about me to be uncovered, or something along those lines. Geez, you ladies are starting to pull details out of me. Even though, there really is NOT all that much hidden… what you see is what you get with me…
June 14, 2012 at 8:48 am
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 I am in the city of Detroit. I am always in Ypsilanti because my step sister lives there. Infact the day I went to the blue nile, I was in your town. I drove from Ypsi to Ferndale with my Mom. I had my doggie with me in Ypsi, but she could not go to dinner.. LOL she tried. She insisted on hopping in the car on my way to visit my step-sister. Its hard pushing out a determined dog out of the car when their minds are made up….
June 14, 2012 at 8:54 am
“Actually when I first got is pierced at 40 – my midlife crisis – I favored hoop. Last few years I go with a stud. This year I have gotten out of the habit of wearing one at all because the school I teach at does not allow them for the guys, student or staff. Although…. this will be corny… when I have a regular special lady I want us to get a pair of earrings and each wear one…. I know that is silly…. I am into cutesy romantic stuff sometimes…”
That is not corny. What woman would not like that?
Cutesy romantic stuff is really, really good.
June 14, 2012 at 9:01 am
“I remember back on one post someone – SwirlGirl maybe – made a comment that there was more to me than meets the eye, or some unknown details about me to be uncovered, or something along those lines. Geez, you ladies are starting to pull details out of me. Even though, there really is NOT all that much hidden… what you see is what you get with me…”
Now we are getting somewhere.
A woman does not attempt to pull details from a guy unless she is in…ter…est…ed.
Not much hidden? Dude, we are on the net and not face to face. We. Cant. See. Jack.
However inquiring minds what to know.
June 14, 2012 at 9:24 am
@Brenda55 @EarthJeff Well, I am usually good with face and try to place people from where I have met them. Hey you never know…. I am everywhere. I do get around… That saying have car will drive. I always meet new people..
June 14, 2012 at 9:29 am
@Morenika @Brenda55 Well if you live in Detroit and are in Ypsi some, then no telling if our paths have crossed. The school I teach at – charter, not DPS – is downtown.
And…. I just have one of those faces…
June 14, 2012 at 9:33 am
@Brenda55 “That is not corny. What woman would not like that?”
I dont know, I am not a woman. Would any woman like that? Or is she more impressed by some sauve Playa with his 6 carat Cubic Z fake diamond stud in his ear instead of her honey wearing the other of a matched pair so they both have one… bringing them together? I am not just trying to be funny here… Serious question…
June 14, 2012 at 9:34 am
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 possibly. I work in the New Center Area, and I am always in the vicinity of the New Center to the Medical Center area. I am off on medical. I had surgery on my foot and have not been out to my favorite places, like the DIA and my other restaurant downtown. But I am familiar with almost everything. Well If we cross paths and you think its me, say hello…
June 14, 2012 at 9:35 am
@Brenda55 @Morenika “Not much hidden? Dude, we are on the net and not face to face. We. Cant. See. Jack. ”
OK, I will grant you that one. But I post a lot, Chris is posting some of my contributions… this is pretty much what and who I am….
June 14, 2012 at 9:38 am
@Morenika @Brenda55 “Well If we cross paths and you think its me, say hello…” I would love to if I knew it was you, but I really truly do not think I would have the nerve to take a chance just saying hello to a stranger just because I thought it might be you. Oh, and happy birthday – early, it is Sunday, right – in case I forget to say it on the weekend. Didnt you say earlier you turn 40 on Sunday?
June 14, 2012 at 9:44 am
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 Thank you very much. June 17th is my mile marker….. I am not doing anything big. I am in school and it is consuming my time outside of work.. I may have a party in the fall. I had a lovely wine tasting party last year in Northville. I will keep you posted on a date for my fall party. My Mom just flew back home and I was suppose to fly back but my Dr. said no.. I would have celebrated with my parents in Las Vegas. So she will have to fly back for this fall party. I am always in Northville hanging out.
June 14, 2012 at 9:45 am
“That is not corny. What woman would not like that?”
I dont know, I am not a woman. Would any woman like that? Or is she more impressed by some sauve Playa with his 6 carat Cubic Z fake diamond stud in his ear instead of her honey wearing the other of a matched pair so they both have one… bringing them together? I am not just trying to be funny here… Serious question…”
Because honestly, not just trying to be modest… I suck at romance… Oh, there I go again tossing Jeff details out there again…. Slightly charming, yes. I call everyone Maam and 19 our of 20 smile at it. I can live with getting smacked (ok, this is kidding) one time out of 20.
June 14, 2012 at 9:47 am
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 Ok, I know that my real picture is posted. I should maybe take it off. My Facebook picture is totally different as I change my hair a lot…I feel like people are probably getting to know me by my face.
Just to let you know how serious I take your question I am taking time out from posting my latest Tony Goldwyn avatar just to answer this.
Interrupting this process is a dangerous thing to do when a woman is in major crush mode like I am but you are family so I do put your first.
To answer your question in all seriousness. A woman who wants to be with you is not looking for a playa. She is looking for a serious man of substance who cares about her and the people around him. A man who has a heart one that may have been broken at one time but still needs to give and is out there looking for his Miss right because he has the sense to know he is at his best as part of a pair. A guy she can depend on and will make her feel like the most precious thing he has.
A woman who does not get where you are coming from with the earrings is to shallow to understand what you have to offer. Pass on that silly woman. There is another who knows a prize when she see it and will give you her best just to have you.
June 14, 2012 at 9:52 am
“Not much hidden? Dude, we are on the net and not face to face. We. Cant. See. Jack. ”
OK, I will grant you that one. But I post a lot, Chris is posting some of my contributions… this is pretty much what and who I am….”
We get that. We’re digging it.
June 14, 2012 at 10:04 am
@Brenda55 @Morenika Well at the risk of my fan club numbers starting to fall as ladies start to hop OFF …. Your comment earlier on the pic being casual and wondering how I would look in tan slacks, blue blazer, loafers? NOT going to happen. Minus the ballcap from the pic…. Nice polo shirt and khakis with white New Balances (wide feet, can go grab any NB 10 and a half 4E’s off the shelf without even trying on) is the alternative from my gray Syracuse Lacrosse T shirt (doesnt every man have a favorite Tahirt?) and Navy blue Reebok knit shorts. OK, dress pants and dress shirt with tie when I need ….
June 14, 2012 at 10:11 am
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 I don’t think that you are giving yourself enough credit. I am sure that if you put yourself out there and let women know you are interested, then you will be amazed at the results. I am similar to you, that why I can comment that way. I like to hide behind a lot of things. Spent a lot of years in therapy to convince myself that I was worthy of happiness…. I keep reiterating that to myself. I am not therpapatizing you, just stating what I know. I am sure you can add some swag to your dress style… Earring, that is cool…
June 14, 2012 at 10:12 am
Not going to comment on the size of your feet.
Your look is probably fine and you are are an age where you know what you is comfortable for you. That is not a deal breaker. If it is kick her to the curb. ( BTW what you described in your post is really nice)
But you have to know that women love to imagine what men look like dressed and er…ummm well you know.
June 14, 2012 at 10:13 am
@Brenda55 @EarthJeff LOL Jeff don’t make me drive to Ypsilanti….
June 14, 2012 at 10:26 am
@Brenda55 @Morenika “But you have to know that women love to imagine what men look like dressed and er…ummm well you know. ”
No, I DONT know because you said we get really, really dense as we get older….. Dont deny that statement… I have witnesses…
June 14, 2012 at 10:27 am
@Morenika @Brenda55 “Jeff don’t make me drive to Ypsilanti….”
I – 94 Westbound until you get to Ann Arbor, turn around and then go back Eastbound for about 10 minutes…..
June 14, 2012 at 10:43 am
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 Okay… I now…. I will come there. My stepsister lived directly across from the Washtenaw Community College. I remember the street as I get close to it… LOL…. Well you can plan to meet a new friend…..
June 14, 2012 at 10:45 am
@EarthJeff @Morenika OOOOO my own words coming back to bite me. Nibble, nibble. You
re right I did say that….in front of witnesses.
OK its true. Women like doing that but you would have no way of knowing that since as guys get older……..
Jeff, do I get an out if I eat those words?
June 14, 2012 at 10:54 am
@Brenda55 @Morenika “Jeff, do I get an out if I eat those words?”
Maam, as a reward for all your fantastic and wonderful free advice – which I truly appreciate… we never stop learning… ask a teacher – You are given an out for those words… Besides, ANYTHING for members of my fan club….
June 14, 2012 at 11:08 am
@Morenika @Brenda55 “Well you can plan to meet a new friend….. ” And who couldn’t use another friend?
June 14, 2012 at 11:45 am
@The Working Home Keeper @Elfe @Brenda55 @EarthJeff I don’t believe it, either . . .
June 14, 2012 at 11:52 am
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 You are right.. So I’ll look forward to meeting you…
June 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm
@EarthJeff @Morenika @Brenda55 Jeff, i did say that, and I did because it’s obvious to us that you’re a man who is not shallow – there IS a lot more than what meets the eye. I believe this:
Still waters run deep=Jeff.
June 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm
@Brenda55 @EarthJeff This: “Cutesy romantic stuff is really, really good.”
TOTALLY. Why? Because to even THINK that way indicates a certain level of vulnerability and sensitivity, and a desire to connect with the woman you’re with. You, my friend, are the type who believes a woman is someone you *cherish* which is reflected through cutesy, corny, romantic things. Those “cutesy, corny, romantic things” becomes the fabric of the couple’s personal love language. That’s why it’s “really, really good” stuff.
June 14, 2012 at 12:26 pm
@EarthJeff @Brenda55 No, and no. A “sauve Playa with his 6 carat Cubic Z fake diamond stud in his ear” is yucky. YUCK.
June 11, 2012 at 8:08 am
@Vera123 I have a close friend who is hard core NBABM, and it is really starting to hurt my heart when I hear her talking because I’m honestly beginning to think that she may not find someone. Or that she may wake up one day and realize she had other options this whole time and didn’t take them. She’s a gorgeous girl, and any guy, black, white or otherwise would be lucky to have her. But she goes on about how she likes big black muscly guys. Me and my other friend just have to close our mouths when the topic of men comes up and she goes on her all hail black men shpeel. Because she won’t listen to reason at all. And the funny thing is when we were in grade school, she was the one who introduced our group of friends to the Backstreet Boys and she liked Nick, basically the whitest one in the group. After her father told her that, if she ever brought home a white guy he would disown her, she flipped her script and became NBABM. If it wasn’t for that, she could have very well been open to IR her whole life, like I was. I remember once we were talking and she was telling me that she realizes how hard is is to find the kind of black man she wants, but she’s not attracted other races so she doesn’t know what to do. And I could hear the pain in her voice, and it just about broke my heart. I could totally picture her with a cute buttoned up kind of white guy. And hey, big and muscly comes in lighter shades as well. I can’t even picture her with a black guy, is the funny thing. I honestly pray that she either finds the kind of black guy she wants, or opens her eyes to what else is around her. Because she’s definitely heading down this track of being alone over 40.
June 11, 2012 at 10:32 am
@VintageNarcissaBecause she’s definitely heading down this track of being alone over 40.
Yeah but I honestly think that you need to see more high profile black women in interracial relationships unfortunately before a lot of black women will feel okay about daing out.. There was a time that I remember that the average black man (that I knew) would say that he would sleep with a white woman but not marry her but now it is so normalized that black men dont care. And what some people dont realize is that white women are outperfoming white men and they have a male shortage also and that is why a lot of them are chasing black men. Yeah I know that brothers are going after them but they are going after each other. In addition to that brothers worship the same white women who white men would consider average or below average. That is a reason why other men would make good partners for black women. A lot of others appreciate our unique beauty. Even the beautiful, black women in hollywood are single. I remember when Taraji P. Henson was saying that all of her friends dont date. That’s cause all of their professional male peers are with “other” women. I can just imagine what social events are like when you have the black male and female hollywood elite attending. I bet it is pitiful.
June 11, 2012 at 10:46 am
” And what some people dont realize is that white women are outperfoming white men and they have a male shortage also and that is why a lot of them are chasing black men.”
That is part of it. What follows is another reason. While most WM as do BW date out because it is strictly a preference there is a sub-set of WM who feel the way this one does.
June 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm
@Brenda55 @Vera123 That was a very good article Brenda. And the comments are just as interesting. A whole different perspective that we even see here at BBW. We tend to be very black woman focused, but it is also important to remember that the white and non black men we want to date have thoughts and opinions as well. In one of my comments below, I talk about how many white men who end up liking black women tend to like black women for very different reasons than they like white women. Think of the men here at BBW who have black girlfriends and wives. They describe them as loving, caring, strong, supportive, enduring, loyal. They use a lot of the same adjectives that are used to describe black women in the black community, only when they say it, it has a positive connotation not negative. I really wish that more black women could see articles like that one, or go out and look for them themselves. Because we are always spewing number and stats. Even if they are small, numbers talk. The few black women in this country who are married to non black men are getting married and *staying* married. At higher rates than any other IR pairing. At higher rates than black/black couples. I credit that to the people who are pairing up being like this man and his partner. Knowing what they want and tossing silly dating games to the side.
When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he called me up a week after we met and asked me if we got to know each a little better would I be interested in a relationship with him. I said yes. And the rest is history. It was that simple. I don’t claim to be a relationship expert. But I just don’t get why people complicate dating and relationships so much. It can be so easy if people will just pull their heads out of their asses.
June 11, 2012 at 5:07 pm
@Vera123 Honestly, that’s even sadder. Why does IR dating for black women have to become a fad in order to see more women do it. Why does it have to suddenly become cool if a black celebrity starts dating IR and then others can do it.
I agree that once upon a time black men would say they weren’t *really* interested in white women, only wanting them for sex. But even back then, they were dating and marrying them in far greater numbers than black women were dating out. Black men still say that though you know. When I was in college, the Black Student Union had at least one IR dating meeting a semester. And the script was always the same. The black women would say they weren’t attracted to any other man but black. The black men would say they just experiment with white women sexually but really want black women. Or that sleeping with white women is a comeuppance for slavery. Someone would mention, “if she can’t use your comb, don’t bring her home.” And then the black women would get comfortable in their seats, reassured that all they had to do was be patient and then their black men would come home after running through all the Beckys.
And I would always sit there and think. Why the hell would I want a man after he’s already been through a whole bunch of chicks? The idea of sowing your while oats and then settling down has always disturbed me. And then I read somewhere or watched on YT or something, an opinion that solidified this for me. The person said, that men need to be careful with sleeping around as well. Even though there’s more of a stigma on women having many partners because the man has to enter her, a man gives up a little of himself every time he ejaculates into a woman he has no emotional attachment to. And there are so many men running around thinking that they are stallions because they have so many women. But the truth is they are empty because they’d wasted themselves, they’ve poured out all their essence into unimportant women. That begin to solidify my decision to not seek out black men for romantic partnership.
But a lot of black women don’t think like that. A lot of black women actually hang on to this idea that a man with a lot of previous partners is virile and worth standing in line for. It’s a very primitive though process that probably hasn’t been valid for a hundred thousand years.
And just like my friend. Just like Taraji P. Henson says about her friend. It all breaks my heart so much. Because the only thing holding these women back is themselves.
June 11, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Thanks for that article. It was great! I honestly think that when women are used to being on a pedastal and others are not they try to make sure that it remains that way. White women dont think that black women are unattractive. But that is probably their greatest nightmare for white men to actually be dating/marrying black women in larger numbers. The forces are doing everything to keep this from happening.
June 11, 2012 at 8:28 pm
@Vera123 No one likes to be made to work harder for a goal. Black women have a fit when black men date out. Same with white women.
The solution is to as we always say in these parts is to cast a wider net.
June 11, 2012 at 8:29 pm
Loving, caring, supportive. Most women are like that. That is our nature. A lot of women who are bitter and mean with black men are totally different with white men because they are disappointed so much with a lot of black men.
June 11, 2012 at 8:31 pm
@VintageNarcissa @Vera123 (Bunny77 bows down to VintageNarcissa)
Yes, yes and more yes… especially to this part — “And I would always sit there and think. Why the hell would I want a man after he’s already been through a whole bunch of chicks? The idea of sowing your while oats and then settling down has always disturbed me.”
I don’t know about other groups, but I’ve found that BW were most likely, in my experience, to talk about how a man might “play in the street” (even a “good Christian man”), but he’ll eventually want a near-chaste, pure woman to call his wife, and you, as that presumably near-chaste pure woman, should be soooooo thrilled when he finally settles down and decides to marry you. You know, they’d say, “Oh, the good girls win in the end, so don’t worry about being single at 30 or whatever.”
And I’d always say, “How is getting a manwhore ‘winning’ anything?” There wasn’t much of an answer for that… or they thought I was naive to expect that men wouldn’t be out there sowing oats because you know, that’s what men do. (whatever)
I heard the same IR-related version of this back when I was in college as well — that BW shouldn’t worry about the black guys on campus dating white women because they would eventually “come home” and marry BW — it was “only” sex right now with the WW. Gee, that makes me feel good… NOT.Like you, I’ve seen what happens when these IBM types “settle down” with the so-called good girls… they don’t really settle down, or if they do, they struggle to be truly emotionally intimate and vulnerable with a woman because they’ve used so many before just for sex. You don’t just flip a switch and suddenly start caring deeply for a woman just because you decided you now want a wife. OR, what I also see, is that the IBM marries the IBW for display and show, while cheating on her left and right. But of course, everyone makes the IBW feel like she got a catch… catch my behind!!!!
I think that there was a commentary on the black snob blog where she stated that black women have dug themselves into a hole. All of those women who talk about the fact that they dont like white men mess it up for those of us who really do. I think that it is 50/50. But black women as a whole (not us of course) make it hard for any group of men to feel comfortable in approaching us by making these crazy comments in public
June 11, 2012 at 8:37 pm
@Bunny77 @VintageNarcissa @Vera123 People have always made this exception for men. I always believed that men were less emotional, hence do not become emotionally attach to a woman through sex, they can easily sleep with you without caring for you. I’m still young and learning Bunny 🙁
June 11, 2012 at 8:38 pm
@Bunny77 @VintageNarcissa @Vera123
Doesn’t that all sound like the kind of thing one says when they cannot control some one elses’s behavior. They just accept it and make their excuses just to save face.
June 11, 2012 at 8:40 pm
@gagagirl @Bunny77 @VintageNarcissa @Vera123
True and the man is expected to be more sexually experienced. So he gets a pass for that reason also.
June 11, 2012 at 8:41 pm
@Brenda55 @Bunny77 @VintageNarcissa @Vera123 I think that is how the open marriage thing came about, people are trying to say that sex does not equal love and commitment……..what a bunch of dudu!
June 11, 2012 at 8:53 pm
@gagagirl @Bunny77 @VintageNarcissa @Vera123 Well I see things a little diffrently….as usual
To me sex is an expression of love and commitment. It does not equal it.
There are many reasons to have sex and for some people love and commitment does not have to necessarily have to factor in to it.
June 11, 2012 at 8:54 pm
@gagagirl @VintageNarcissa @Vera123 At least you’re learning!
And you’re right… people (including many women) do make this exception for men. I never did — but even if I had, the stories I’ve been told by so many women (the wives and the mistresses… sigh) let me know that there are repercussions for the women who ultimately end up marrying these “experienced” men. Sorry, but I didn’t have time to have to “teach” a guy about being emotionally intimate or how to “unlearn” ho-ish tendencies or worry that he wouldn’t want to do certain “nasty” things with his wife, but get some sidepiece to do those nasty things, and it would be “okay” in his mind because she’s just some jump off he doesn’t care about. Yeah, I’d hate being that guy’s wife.
The stories I could tell, good lawd…
June 11, 2012 at 9:00 pm
@Bunny77 @gagagirl @VintageNarcissa @Vera123
Just a general question for any or all who would want to answer. How many partners would a man have to have to be considered a man whore?
June 11, 2012 at 9:20 pm
@Brenda55 @Bunny77 @VintageNarcissa @Vera123
June 11, 2012 at 10:14 pm
You know I kinda feel for the BW in Hollywood and other professional setting that aren’t dating. But the reality is for many years BW have isolated ourselves from mainstream and other races of men and we have cut off our noses to spite our faces.
Now while BM are out enjoying the furits of thier labor of immersing themselves in more diverse arenas to mix and mingle with Non Black women, BW are just sitting on the sidelines wondering what happened and why its so difficuly for us to find compatible mates of any race. And frankly, most Non Black men don’t see BW on the radar bc they assume we are not interested or we are too caught up in being “BLACK MATRYS” that they sometimes don’t even bother. they may admire from afar but just keep it moving bc they don’t feel any compatibility.
This is where BW are going to have to create a change and start learning how to be more diverse nad open to others.
I still feel even with the small growing number of IR’s between WM and BW, there is still no real connections between us b/c its going to be very hard for many BW to change thier mindsets and views on who we are as women and to learn to break away from traditional Black environments in which there is dead grass in terms of trying ot find relationships.
It’s really all up to Black women> i believe once Black owmen start immersing themselves in more diverse setting and stop clinging to all things Black, we’ll eventually make out in the swirling arena.
June 11, 2012 at 10:52 pm
June 12, 2012 at 4:31 am
@Neecy I want to pull out one of the points you made here for further discussion.
“It’s really all up to Black women> i believe once Black owmen start immersing themselves in more diverse setting and stop clinging to all things Black, we’ll eventually make out in the swirling arena.”
Some would say that is is not fair to put all of the responsibility to change. Non-black men have to change attitudes also.
But if Black women have a reputation and a well deserved one for being not receptive to non-black men why is a guy to do?
June 12, 2012 at 6:31 am
@Brenda55 @Neecy Nonbm have a reputation for checking everything but black, so of course they don’t have to do anything. 🙂
June 12, 2012 at 7:13 am
@Brenda55 @gagagirl @VintageNarcissa @Vera123 That’s hard to say, as I have a general “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to numbers. I don’t reveal mine, and I don’t ask for his.Instead, I listen to how they describe their pasts. So many men, in my experience, will tell you more than you might want to know and you can kind of get a sense of their mindset about sex without saying a word. For example, the manwhore types seemed to always be very eager to tell me how they “used to” fool around, but how that’s not satisfying anymore and they want to settle down. I guess they think I’m supposed to be flattered by that, because many women are… instead, that was usually the manwhore red flag for me. Especially when I later found out that their “fooling around” stage only ended last month. :p
Any guy who asked me my number? Usually a manwhore. They seem to be the only ones that care. Plus, I usually gave a vague answer and asked them the same question. Their answer? “I don’t really keep count.” Yeah, manwhore.
It also depends on age for me. If I’m meeting a guy in his 40s who admits to a wild period from ages, say, 25-30, but he’s been in steady mongamous relationships ever since, that’s different to me than someone who’s 40 and still playing the field. If I met a guy at an event and he tries to sleep with me that night, he’s in the manwhore category (because he likely did that with a lot of other women). There are still a lot of old barflies out there who act like horny 22-year-olds and try to hook up with every woman they see.
When I was in my 20s and met a guy of similar age who had a 15+ partner, that was not acceptable to me. That meant there were too many casual hookups along the way.
June 12, 2012 at 10:08 am
@Brenda55 @Vera123 @VintageNarcissa Excellent article!
June 12, 2012 at 10:27 am
@VintageNarcissa @Vera123 I’ve dated three, that’s 3, Black guys in my entire (adulthood) life. White (and other) males have always liked me and me them and I’m very near the half century mark. Never could stand “playas” with “swag”, just not in my chromosomes. White men have always, those whom I’ve been in relationships with, treat me with love, kindness, caring, and yes, helped with financial matters re homes, cars, apartments that we shared (in those relationships). Current white (Irish and Cherokee – believe it or not) is FOINE, has his own business, and loves the heyall out me (laughing out loud). What, what?
June 12, 2012 at 10:30 am
@Bunny77 @VintageNarcissa @Vera123 That’s word up! “catch my behind”……….bwwwwwwaaaaahhhhhaaaaaaaaaa!
June 12, 2012 at 10:43 am
@Brenda55 @Bunny77 @gagagirl @VintageNarcissa @Vera123 Good question. Hmmmmmm……..15 to 20………some males start having sex in elementary school…8…9…10 years old when some begin to encounter their 1st sexual experiences…….so……….by the time they reach college or working age they’ve had between 15 to 20 partners…..one night stands…….flings……..pseudo girlfriends…….so……….20…..25 or more you’s a straight (man) ho (lol).
June 11, 2012 at 9:44 am
@Vera123 I agree, that second article is especially. sad and crazy. It makes no sense. When I grew up(70s 80s in US) the AA girls were as slim as everyone else. I really dislike the researchers and critics who try to link overweightness to african genes/’blackness’.
The african girls & young women in Paris have the best bodies & they look amazing so the color/race fatness thing is lost on me.
For Americans, it has to be the food and activity levels.
June 11, 2012 at 10:01 am
The second article almost says that there is no hope 🙁 Enough is enough. Why are you even doing this study!
June 11, 2012 at 10:07 am
@Elfe @Vera123 It is the food. You can easily put back all of the calories that you burned off by eating one hamburger from a fast food restaurant.
Don’t get me wrong. Strength training and aerobic are great for getting in shape but it is fork work that will get the weight off.
June 11, 2012 at 10:37 am
That’s right. In the first article, the woman broke it down. When she stated that black women are the most sedentary group in America …to just read that. Then the part about wealthy black women not really being in a better position weightwise. That article should be read by everyone. She does not sugarcoat anything and dispels a lot of those crazy myths about why black women are fat. I saw a lot of black women out walking this morning. Times are changing thank God!
June 11, 2012 at 10:04 pm
Hey Vera!! LOL Yes I used to read about these events years ago and the White men would complain to the hosts of these events that the women there were often overweight. Of course people got offended ……
Yes the weight thing is a very sensitive topic with Black women, but its a reality as well. The more fit you are, the better your options – that’s all I’m gonna say on that front. LOL
I’ll also tell you that being overweight kept me out of the game for many years (espcially during my prime). When i look back had I been in optimal prime shape, I would have KILLED it int he swirling market. But I was oblivous and not really aware of how much that hindered women in the dating market. YES overweight women find love and get married and live happily ever after. but if a woman wants INCREASED options in the swirling arena, her best bet is to be in some sort of appealing phsyical shape.
And yes, I love seeing particularly younger Black women and young Non Black men in swirling relationships b/c IMO they are the ones who will bring the future generations. Also, seeing more and more younger BW in swirling means more and more BW getting married and having children.
For older BW swirling I think its great too. But to see young BW doing it, really touches my heart a lot more for some reason.
June 12, 2012 at 11:10 am
@Neecy “Girl”, though I did see the article, I take some of these studies with a grain of salt, so to speak. Because I’ve always been, for the most part, athletic I’ve learned to eat better (i.e. eating salads using green spinach to replace iceberg lettuce) in my youth and this has stayed with me so I’m looking good and slim (not thin) for my “age”. Sad that there are Black women out there not taking the most optimum steps to insure their health for themselves, eating better, walkiing, gym, swimming, etc. I love riding my “horse” bicycle, legs/booty tight, cardio, new jeans (not genes)……hey. Black women in “The South” tend to eat richer, fattier foods. Yeah, you can’t continue eating “soul food” and expect those calories to just fall off sittin’ on the couch, gettin’ in your car to the (if office) job and not use human capacity to ‘move” ya heard?
And, yeah, you’re right on another front, Neecy, and that’s one should keep in “shape” in that the swirling options are greater in that White and other males tend, key word “TEND” to like a slimmer (not necessarily thinner) physiques in their mating partner.
June 11, 2012 at 4:05 am
By the way, the book so far is great! I am on the guess who’s coming to dinner chapter. lol
June 11, 2012 at 6:04 am
I’m a younging…but, I don’t think it’s too late. I think many rainbeaus are in her shoes actually overall. Though she is experiencing the opposite, I think many rainbeaus were too afraid to date bw when they were younger and now are ready to stop caring what others think now that they are 40+. So it’s not too late. Many women here have married in their late 30s or older, although everyone saying that it’s extremely hard. What is she doing to meet men? She should sign up for goddess of the week at least. Most of the men here are older.
40 is not old “ANYMORE” I have more faith in myself at 40 that in my twenties. And I am swirling my ass off.
Taking care of yourself and u can look twenty-something in your 40’s .
June 11, 2012 at 6:32 am
@BobbieJackson Yeah, eat well, exercise, don’t take life too seriously, and do things you enjoy outside of work. It never too late to start.
June 11, 2012 at 7:54 am
Forty is definitely not too old to swirl. I encourage swirling till the death bed. And if heaven has a singles bar, swirl there too!
I don’t know, I’m in my mid 20’s and I’m honestly looking forward to getting older, more seasoned and mature. Everyone is racing the clock, 21 year olds are crying that they’re old. But there is one saying that has always stuck with me … growing old is a privilege. And me, I hated my teens, and I’m only now beginning to stomach my 20’s. I hear women older than me talk about how they come into their own in their 30’s and 40’s. Let go of unnecessary nonsense and just live their lives. I can’t wait for that. I mean, I’m enjoying my 20’s right now, but I’m just saying, I don’t dread getting older in feeling that once I reach a certain age I’ll be too old for this or that.
Currently, I’m in a relationship that could very well be it for me. But if I happened to find myself single at 40, I would embrace it and swirl till the cows come home. I honestly picture myself being a cougar at that age 😛 Or maybe I’ll find me a silver fox George Clooney type to really make um jealous. If I was never married, by that age, I don’t know if I would even want to be. But I would definitely not let that stop me from dating and having relationships. I would love to spend those years traveling and just taking in culture and enjoying life, and many different men 😎 I know for many black women, the focus is marriage, as is mine. But I don’t believe that marriage has to be the end result for someone to be happy.
But even if that is your focus, by all means… people really act like people of other races and genders don’t marry later in life, don’t get divorced and remarried… what have you. Once you find that person, half the time it feels like you’ve been together forever anyway. I don’t know why anyone would allow such trivial reservations get in the way of their happiness.
June 11, 2012 at 9:47 am
@VintageNarcissa “Forty is definitely not too old to swirl. I encourage swirling till the death bed. And if heaven has a singles bar, swirl there too! ”
“But there is one saying that has always stuck with me … growing old is a privilege. ”
June 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm
A privilege….denied to many.
June 11, 2012 at 9:54 pm
@VintageNarcissa Hey Vintage,
A woman should enjoy every decade she gets b/c its a blessing. Enjoy your 20’s. Don’t worry you will have your chance to get older. LOL.
It is true however, that after a certain point, a woman does develop a confidence that she normally doesn’t have in her 20’s. I know I did. Then you get to a point where you just “get life” for what it is and live to enjoy and try to maximize everyday. i now date frequently men of all ages (sometimes younger, sometimes around the same age and sometimes older). What i have discovered about myself at this point in my life is, I am quite comfy in just living. i am not desperate as i was before. I understand i waited quite awhile before getting my physical house in order and that HAS cost me many of my prime years. but hey, we live we learn. i still have some insecurities but now I feel I am for the most part at one with who I am as a woman and a Black owman.
But enjoy every decade b/c they are blessings. yes even your 20’s are blessings. And as others said is is just a number, but we should also be mindful of the things we wanna accomplish in love and be aware that there are more opportune and easier times to get what we want.
last. i hate the term and idea of “Cougars” and it saddnes me to hear a young woman like yourself say she looks forward to being a Cougar. i think Cougarism is waay too glorified and sends the wrong message to women. believe me a lot of women living the Cougar life are not as happy as they appear to be. I know Sex In the City glamourized cougar life, but i am not so sure that is the be all that they protray it to be. No Cougar life for me even though i could do it since I still attarct guys younger than myself.
Many Cougars are in and out of sexual relatoinships with younger guys who they know will most likely only be around temporarily. I am not sure any young women shoud aspire to be a cougar. if it happens it happens. But something about htis whole “cougarism” just doesn’t sit right with me. b/C what it does is give younger women this idea that they have forever to hold onto the phsycial attributes. After a certain pooint a woman should present her beauty and self in a different manner than when she did when she was in her 20’s or 30’s. When I see Cougars, i see women who really can’t let go of the idea of aging gracefully.
That’s just My opinion though. You have to do what is best for your life 😉
June 12, 2012 at 9:30 am
@Neecy I “hate” the term “Cougar”, the implication, IMO, is that if a woman is over 40 and wanting to date after a long marriage, divorce, or widowed, then she is (a) predator. Predators seek out food or enemy then strike to kill its prey. Cannot stand this term. Like Wendy Williams’ (of all people) I liked her term “Swan”, this implies grace, substance, and (at times) high style (not necessarily $$$), and grace under (certain) pressures. So I agree with you, Neecy, I think this term should be eliminated from our speech and soul.
June 11, 2012 at 8:26 am
OMG, I will be 40 on Sunday and I definitely say no. In fact 40 is like the new 30. Its not middle aged.. My Mother is middle aged at 60. You like who you like and if it is with a person of another culture/race and you are 40 and above, does not have any bearing on age and swirling…. I am not tied to one specific mate (really not dating), but I am still waiting for the right one….
June 11, 2012 at 8:49 am
My high school teacher once asked her class, “What do you consider middle age?” To high school students 21 is old. The instructor said, “Middle age begins at 50”.
June 11, 2012 at 8:27 am
40 isn’t too old to do anything. Heck, My 68 year old aunt was asked out by a white guy. (She said no for her own personal reasons (or hang ups!) I’m having my 2nd baby at 42. It may take more careful planning, but everything/anything can be done as long as you can breath.
June 11, 2012 at 9:00 am
To the lady who wrote in, it’s not too late. I’m 45 and I’ve been swirling for at least six or seven years. To me, it’s been so much easier dating rainbeaus over 40. They are not into playing games or having more than one woman. And, also, I have found that OK Cupid is the best online dating site to meet men over 40. I’ve met two men on there this year.
June 11, 2012 at 11:12 am
@friendswmimi I agree about OKCupid. I do find it interesting that my matches are almost exclusively non black men.
June 11, 2012 at 12:24 pm
That afroromance site is not a great place.
June 11, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Why is that?
June 11, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Some of the men what to just play online games.
June 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm
@friendswmimi I agree. It’s definitely not too late if you’re in your 40s. I’m in my early 40s and still out there. Just as important…good points made by many re: maximizing your younger years (20s) if getting married and having a family is a priority. For me, it comes down to being clear about priorities — what works for you and what do you need and want most at any given stage in your life. There are always trade offs and decisions within every stage of life. If you want to find that special someone, if you want to get married, then by all means GO AFTER IT! Sure, you may encounter some challenges along the way in your 40s that you might not have encountered in your 20s; but bottom line “age ain’t nothing but a number.”
June 11, 2012 at 9:11 am
I don’t think 40 is too old. But as someone that married young (I was 23 years old, my husband was 25 years old), I think its best to start earlier than later. But if you find yourself older, single and interested in swirling, by all means go for it!
June 11, 2012 at 12:23 pm
@The Working Home Keeper
True, most things are better when one is younger. However, for the more mature crowd it is still best to have swirled for 10 or 20 years then never to have enjoyed that experience.
June 11, 2012 at 1:03 pm
@ann4950 Better to have swirled than to have never swirled at all! That’s true!
June 13, 2012 at 2:23 pm
@The Working Home Keeper @ann4950 ” Better to have swirled than to have never swirled at all! ”
LOL! good one!
June 11, 2012 at 11:03 am
Go on and get yours, girl! Forty-plus is definitely not too old to swirl. As someone else mentioned, a lot of men of other races may have been too afraid to swirl when they were younger because of what others might think, but now that they’re older they’re ready to do what’s going to make them happy. Treat yourself well, keep your expectations realistic, and get out there and do your thang!
June 11, 2012 at 12:49 pm
@grrlysquirrel75 That’s what I’m saying! When my widowed aunt said a white man asked her out, I was like, “Ok, this guy’s making up for lost time! Go for it!” But, nah, she wasn’t interested. But, I get the sense that at least some men are no longer held back by whatever it was holding them back.
@Lili2009 That’s a damn shame! Very few people get to experience love again after being widowed, but this could’ve been her shot. Oh well, she knows what she likes. Aside from social conventions, fear of rejection may have been hoding this guy back when he was younger. I was talking to one of my Twitter friends about interracial dating and when he found out that I exclusively date interracially his tone changed and he became very flirty. I think for the most part most non-black men assume that all black women only want to date black men.
June 12, 2012 at 9:14 am
@grrlysquirrel75 Yuppers, bummer for Lili2009s’ mom. Shoulda jumped on that (bwwwwwaaahhhhaaaa).
June 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Do your thang!!!!! lmao!
June 11, 2012 at 11:29 am
Ok, the old lady of the board is about to speak. Please know, my dear sisters, that it is NEVER too late to find your man, regardless of race. My elderly widowed mother dated a wm for several years (both over 70) until he needed to move closer to family for health reasons. I found my husband 3 years after I was widowed after a very long marriage. I am 63, he is 73. We just had our 7th anniversary yesterday. Our kids are grown, graduated and gone (hooray!!) and we are having the time of our lives!
The silly hangups and concerns we have tend to melt away after middle age. It is natural at that point to believe that you have paid your dues, raised your family, met all your obligations and now is the time to live for yourself. You really don’t give a tinker’s damn what people think of you and your behavior anymore; in fact, scandalous behavior is more fun after middle age because no one expects you to be anything but a dull old lady. As has been the case my entire life, I love to prove others wrong.
June 11, 2012 at 12:03 pm
@MixedUpInVegas My mommy is “dating” a WM as well and she’s 76!
June 11, 2012 at 12:18 pm
June 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm
@Karla @MixedUpInVegas When I grow up, I want to be like your Mom…
June 11, 2012 at 4:37 pm
@Morenika Me too!
LOL, you are one wild and crazy woman! Keep the fun up!
June 11, 2012 at 5:16 pm
@MixedUpInVegas A tinker’s damn, I love it! Thanks for the encouragement!
June 12, 2012 at 7:00 am
@MixedUpInVegas I love your story MixedUpInVegas! And you’re 63… go ‘head!!!! 🙂 Enjoy your hubby!
June 11, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Uh Lord no, I wrote a blog a couple of days ago about being older and dating because I had already been Swirling, called “Dating in the Age of Dumba$$es-Will Anyone Love Me For Who I am? or How I Overcame Feeling Awkward and Old When I Started to Date Again-Pt. 3” http://wp.me/p1LNjf-cy you're never too old to go for what you want and be happy.
June 11, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Oh I’m 40 just married the love of my life last year and he’s 37.
June 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Dang! I wish I could remember the name of the senior citizens’ dating site I met Beloved Spouse on, I’d sure pass it along! There were plenty strange replies, but we all know you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. We agreed not to tell anyone we met online, because our “children” (mine is 38, his are 44 and 49 and they all live in other states) would tell us that venue is for losers.
June 11, 2012 at 2:08 pm
@MixedUpInVegas I met my dh online too. I had a profile on an int’l social site(this was 1998, it’s since closed down) and he wrote to me. At first we were kind of mumbly when asked about how we met but not anymore.
June 11, 2012 at 7:29 pm
Wendy Williams used a term several weeks ago that I liked and is very much me now. She said she “swanned” and I know I did too because I look way better at 42 than I did at 22! I get way more email replies from the youngin’s than when I was a youngin’! LOL! I had some freaky 17 year old tell me he thought I was a 20 something MILF! I was like whaaaa?!?!? Now I’m being contacted by some 26 y.o. from Moracco.
In other words, you are not too old to swirl after 40! I sure as shootin’ have more to offer now than I ever did 20 years ago. Conversation is definately better because I have more life experience. I’m hella more interesting cuz I’ve done some thangs!
June 11, 2012 at 9:48 pm
Hi there: I could not agree with you more about becoming a swan after a certain age. It can be easy for people to forget that for these same women, ‘swirling’ was not so much of an option to find love when they were younger. If people think that the negative feedback currently being directed towards BW who swirl is bad now, they should have come of age in the 80’s. It seems that swirling, at least openly, is now much more acceptable than it was just a few decades ago when these women were in their prime. Like you said, when a person reaches a certain age, chances are that they will bring more to a relationship because they know who they are and can make better choices. And, just a thought, my grandmother was still turning heads when she was well into her late seventies. It just goes to show you, black don’t crack!
@Seenyc Swanned, I like that. One of the reasons my husband told me he found me attractive is b/c I had some life experience and not bad looking for a woman in her late 30s at the time we meet. Now that I’m 40, I feel fantastic about myself and my life. Confidence is sexy.
June 12, 2012 at 9:47 am
I had a man that wanted to marry me when I was 24. At the time, I was about to graduate college and had no idea what I wanted. I knew marriage, at that time, was not right for me. He had it all planned out: the time of year, date, how many kids, their names. He was in the Coast Guard and had plans to be stationed in Hawaii and other places around the country. I was to follow him around. I asked him, “I have to give up so much. What will you have to give up?” His answer, “Nothing.”
Needless to say, we broke up (he broke up with me because I was so unsure. Hey, I was young…thing was, so was he)
Looking back, damn good decision. Yeah, I’m single, but I know so much more now. If I did marry him, we would be divorced; I know it. I was not in a good place and he didn’t support me on that.
Some times, I do believe it’s too late for me. Then again, I’m not putting any effort into finding a mate either. Chicken before the egg, you know.
June 12, 2012 at 10:42 am
@ChristieRJohnson The fact that he had it all mapped out with no input from you screams “control freak”. It’s your life, too, and as half of that proposed partnership your needs and goals should’ve been taken into consideration. You were very wise to know enough to turn him down. Did you have friends and family members saying “Girl, what’s wrong with you? You’re lettin’ a good man get away!”
June 12, 2012 at 11:22 am
Grace of God, no. My parents were cool with my choice and my family members didn’t really know him, it was mostly a long distance relationship.
Marriage scares me a little. I try to get advice, but most of my family members aren’t married or been up to bat more than twice. Why take advice from someone who’s life isn’t much better than mine.
My parents have been married for 45yrs. They met when my Ma was in high school. I love my Ma, but her and I don’t have the same spirit, so her advice would be from her spirit. I would like to ask someone who has the same restless spirit as mine. How do they make it work without going crazy?
I remember talking to my Ma about him and I told her that I couldn’t marry him. She said to me, “Knowing you, I couldn’t see it either.”
June 12, 2012 at 11:40 am
@ChristieRJohnson In late September my parents will have been married for 45 years, as well. Like you, I have a restless spirit. My mother is actually not much of an advocate for marriage. She’s not anti-marriage, but were she to have the opportunity, to do it all over again, she said that more than likely she would’ve gone into the military instead of marrying my dad just before her 20th birthday. There was a lot that she didn’t find out about him and his family until after they were married and living with his parents. Of course times were very different back then.
I personally don’t know if I’ll ever get married. Since I don’t want children, getting married has never been close to the top of my list of things that I want in my life. Right now I’m spending time exploring different interests as I prepare to transition into another field so that I can finally have a career. I’ve been seeing someone for a while, but I know that marriage isn’t on his mind, which is fine because it’s not on mine either.
June 12, 2012 at 8:43 pm
@grrlysquirrel75 The older I get, the more I want a long term relationship, whether that would be marriage or long term commitment. I’m 37yrs old and I feel like time is ticking so fast. There is so much I want to do, including being in a good and healthy relationship. I can go to Spain or wherever, but I can’t make a man fall in love with me. I feel like I have to choose. And I have a feeling that I’ll be choosing me and wind up being alone.
June 13, 2012 at 6:23 am
@ChristieRJohnson I’ll be 37 in September, on my parents’ anniversary, so you and I are the same age. I also wouldn’t mind having a long-term committed relationship. As far as travelling or whatever else you want to do, don’t feel like it’s an either/or type of situation. Who knows? You might find a man that wants to go to Spain with you. Keep your eyes, your mind, and your heart open. Right now my current situation works for me, but if I wake up one morning and decide that I want something a bit more serious, and the guy I’m currently seeing isn’t on the same page, he knows that I will look elsewhere.
June 12, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Here’s my dilemma, I want to date in my peer group but the rainbeaus that show interest in me are either 20year younger or 20 years older. Help. LOL. Btw, I’m in my early40’s. I get why the older men are interested but these young ins must think I’m there age.
June 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm
@cns date the younger ones too?
June 17, 2012 at 10:09 pm
@Elfe Yep date them
June 14, 2012 at 2:15 am
Not too late. The end.
June 14, 2012 at 10:51 am
@Joyce345 major concision ^.^
June 14, 2012 at 2:02 pm
It’s never to late. Nuff said!