Question of the Week: “Is This All in My Head or the Start of (Possibly) Something Wonderful?”

disclaimer: this is not meant as evil manipulation or a game but to spark courtship again (can you imagine? haha), to avoid foolishness & unnecessary confusion or pain. ...believe it or not the winner(s) will emerge from the pack.

I know some are fortunate enough to have that "some enchanted evening" scenariowith smooth sailing to the altar but this discipline quite practical ...& fun. can't forget fun. :D

some required reading:

http://www.amazon.com/Technique-Love-Affair-Gentlewoman/dp/0785816151/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1326152250&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/All-Rules-Time-tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799/ref=pd_sim_b_25

http://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-That-Into-Understanding/dp/141690977X/ref=pd_sim_b_9

ForestElfQueen I let that video play while I work...it is good...for younger ladies they should heed her advice!

LovingMyself You and all young BW truly are living in an abundant time! Learn all you can here.

LovingMyself

This community is incredibly helpful, so true

I am close to 40 but still learning and the viewpoints were on point.

It's sad that there will be women who would willingly give this guy more chances. It seems the traditional standards of courting and vetting are long gone and women are chasing down men nowadays. All this leads to is a growing generation of spoilt men who expect women to do all the legwork.

DeeDeeRussell

Go right ahead DeeDee, I guess I was voicing what we're all thinking..lol

DidiOLovingMyself ah-greed!

Joyce345 No you don't LOL.

Joyce345 hahahaha

Joyce345

Yeah I wish I had a community like this in my teens and 20's:)

Me too! DidiO Joyce345

Lili, I had almost the same thing happen to me, which is why I gave the advice I did. Except the guy was white... he was doing some financial work for me and we would meet for coffee to discuss business and he would notice EVERYTHING about me... talking about how deep a brown my eyes were and how my hair looked good even after a 5K, etc., etc. (I showed him some pictures from a race I did.)Everybody and her mama told me that I should ask him out because he might be shy (not with THAT type of flirting), he might not know how to ask out a BW or he might be scared of mixing work with pleasure because he was my financial advisor. I was almost going to do it until ONE wise lady said to not do it, and that he was probably little more than a flirt.So I didn't do it. Weeks later, he invited me to a Super Bowl party at his house. I happily accepted and guess who greeted me at the door? His LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND! "Oh Bunny77, I've heard so much about you! Come on in!"

Soooooo very glad I did not ask him out! So based on that experience, I just say to women that if all a man does is flirt, he has no intentions of doing more and the woman should just move on, lest she get embarrassed or hurt!

Lili2009

Bunny77 I swear this lesson just comes in time. As I got older, I stopped trying to psychoanalyze or mind read men's intentions and took their behavior at face value. And yes, that aggressive flirting does not speak to timidity!!

Lili2009Bunny77 Yea no use in trying to read minds it never worked. I used to tell guys before I asked them stuff, 'you know I used to know how to read minds but I've lost that super power that's why I'm asking you this.'

Bunny77Lili2009 Wow. O_O!

Lili2009

I use to think that guys were really interested when they flirted, especially when they flirted aggressively. Which often left me confused, b/c that's all they were doing and I knew they weren't shy (hence, all of the flirting). But I've learned that if a guy is really interested he'll ask me for a date and try to get to know me better. One of my brothers is an aggressive flirt and he has a wife! I asked him why flirts with these ladies and leads them on the way he does. He said it boosts his ego....plain and simple.

glamdollLili2009 I've always wondered why women think they can read a guy's mind. A friend of mine, a psychiatrist, says that men tend to take things at face value. Women, on the other hand, tend to think up different possible scenarios as to what they see and hear. They sometimes see things that aren't really there and hear things that aren't really said, depending on their perceptions of the person and situation they're observing. For example, if someone believes a person likes them, everything he or she says is positive whether it actually is or not. The opposite is also true, along with other permutations of the same scene. There's a famous Japanese film directed by Akira Kurosawa titled Rashomon. It's the story of a rape told from four different perspectives-----all contradictory. Each person telling his story fully believes his version of the scene is true. This was 1950 and intellectually heavy for the time. I believe everyone should see this film to understand the difficulties of being an objective observer.

FriendsofJayLili2009

I've even heard a woman say that she was going to make things work with a guy that had a history of physically abusing women. She said that no one had ever been as nice to him as she is! Talk about not taking things at face value!!!!

glamdollLili2009 It's not the flirting that matters it's what he does after the flirting. The proof is in the pudding, until you see actual action there's no need to assume anything and even then you need to ask questions.

DeeDeeRusselleugeniamitchellglamdollLili2009 DeeDee, that is because you are a lady. Some people may find it old fashioned and sexist (yep, had that conversation), but I honestly believe that there is something wrong with a woman going out of her way to chase a man.

Maybe it's the way I was raised or the way my brain is wired, I dunno, but if a man wants me to pick up his scented hanky that he ever so subtly dropped in my path and expects ME to pretty much call on him, flatter him, and etc. then it is a no go.

It's not just that it's unfeminine; even if you remove the lack of lady-like behavior, it's a complete and total imbalance of courtesy and respect.

Who wants to invest energy and time in a man who isn't interested in at least during their fair share to keep things going?

But for my part, I prefer to maintain a feminine role and there would only be one lady in the relationship.

DeeDeeRusselleugeniamitchellglamdollLili2009 *doing not during

Toni_MDeeDeeRussellglamdollLili2009 That's the reason women shouldn't ask men to marry them. This seems like some new trend and I'm like what?

eugeniamitchellDeeDeeRussellglamdollLili2009 ................. WHAT?!

Toni_MDeeDeeRussellglamdollLili2009 Same thing I'm thinking but I've been hearing about more and more.

DeeDeeRusselleugeniamitchellglamdollLili2009 I could never get into that show. Maybe it's because I was just old enough to remember "The Golden Girls" and I considered it a poor man's version of that show.

DeeDeeRussellToni_MeugeniamitchellglamdollLili2009

I think having a father - one who can actually take an interest what is going on in your life - makes all the difference. Women have a tendency to make excuses for men's bullshit. A father or at least father figure will tell you the truth, even when it is ugly.

I was unlucky in that I learned many things the hard way.

Joyce345DeeDeeRusselleugeniamitchellglamdollLili2009 I agree. One thing I'm grateful for is that my father informed me, since the time I was a little pigtailed, pink bunny slipper wearing toddler (he would say from the womb, since he talked to me when I was in my mom's belly) that I was precious and that I am capable of whatever I set my mind to. He also told me to stay the hay-ell away from trifling, disrespectful, leeching males and to not accept any bull crap from such persons.

I don't think he'd even support a three strike anything, since his point of view about these things is no nonsense.

Not to say not having a father or father figure means you can't develop your own no nonsense attitude. Certainly life and circumstances and general outlook has made some women very wise.

Whether it's a father figure who knows or a woman who's been there and knows, I find it always pays to listen and learn.

Good luck to you! candlelight

candlelight Good luck, hon!

candlelight I wish you luck, you can find someone with less drama that's for sure.

Brenda55 Number 1 I thought myself, a relationship or at least the start of one actually requires us seeing one another and going on dates, like out to eat, the movies whatever. There are some women who get caught up in this fantasy thing when a guy talks to them on the phone or talks to via FB or whatever then all of sudden they got the whole relationship going and picking out wedding colors. My mom always told me this, you have to watch out regarding men b/c usually women are up on a level that men aren't not even at. Women are falling love and dude can barely remember your last name.

Brenda55 This just kind of came to me in a post I said below they were at a meeting together, he was there b/c she said he asked if she left him a note but they didn't see each other then. He made no effort to go out with her to coffee or lunch? That's just weird.

Yep, it was a weeklong meeting... you'd think that just once, he'd at least ask if she wanted to get coffee or lunch! He could have at least done that without making it seem like a date (If he was worried about the work thing). But he didn't even do that, but tries some cheesy pickup line AFTER he's back in his home state, hundreds of miles away? Whatever man! eugeniamitchell Brenda55

Bunny77Brenda55 BW really do have to watch what men do not what they say. Talk is super cheap!

Bunny77 the more I think about this the off it becomes, the fact that he asked her did she send a note to him is just crazy b/c if he thought she sent a note why wouldn't he just send one back to acknowledge hers if that's what he thought. Yea this is ego-stroking, this all game. BW please be aware that all men are capable of playing games, they just do in different sorts of ways. You know he may not have even got a note, maybe he just wanted to fawn all over him and apologize for not acknowledging him b/c yea since he's so sexy strange women are sending him notes he just couldn't fathom her not sending him one. That's why he was disappointed his ego was crushed. There is a good article on Alee's blog about the PUA (pick up artist) http://wp.me/p1b9Ez-L4 and what they do, it may be she'd met a PUA and/or a NPD some this behavior is reeking NPD. But yea I'd leave this one alone for sure, she just needs to go on with her life.

eugeniamitchellBunny77 I was thinking the same thing--that he completely made up that story about finding a note. And him sending his unsolicited photo seems a little strange. Sounds like he knows women find him attractive and he gets off on milking it when he has no intention of following through.

DeeDeeRussellBunny77 They got a community, ugh!

You know, I didn't even think of PUA... I don't think I ever encountered this because I've been out of the dating game for a few years, but this type of behavior is picking up steam, so it's very possible the guy in this letter was using some lame PUA game on our letter writer. eugeniamitchell

Bunny77 Well b/c I've been studying up on NPDs and how they work once I started to think about this something just clicked, I started to see the signs of manipulation. I know them when I see them and something about this is just screaming manipulator. But as I said before if you don't know the signs you won't get it. It's so subtle sometimes.

DeeDeeRussellBunny77 You know some ppl just like to get used and those ppl are co-dependent.

DeeDeeRussellBunny77 Lord no, ain't nothing new. My dad died when I was 9 years old but I had my brothers, my uncles, my grandfather to all show me what it meant to be a man and my dad left his legacy too. No men ain't doing nothing new, in fact there doing more of the old b/c women let them. It's great to have a woman chasing you around, begging to understand you, while you could give a hell that is the life. I've seen it before with all kinds of guys, black and white. People do what you let them get away with. Yes wisdom can come with age and retaining and learning from the experience.