Question of the Week: I’ve just had a terrible experience with my first white guy!

You live and you learn. Its all about how you treat and value your self and others will treat and value you in that way. May you were still in griving mood from your husband. Take the time to take care of yourself first and dont be so quick to give up the goods. Make them (Men) work for you because your worht it! :)

Valda.DeDieu,

You've really missed my point.

1.Karla IS NOT a helpless victim. I neither said nor implied that she was. Does she deserve some sympathy? In my opinion, she does. I'm all for her developing smarts,strength, and building a better life for herself. That's exactly what she should do. And she should definitely learn from the mistakes she made in the relationship.

2.There is a time and place for criticism. I don't believe treating someone in a kind manner is the same as treating them like a victim. I obviously strongly disagree with some people's idea of what appropriate criticism in this situation is. I've also gotten off topic and questioned some people's motives with the criticism. For me, it was important to call people out on that stuff.

3. It's not about melodrama or violins. I'm a very proud and dignified person. I'm not a crier or a whiner. I don't waste a lot time feeling sorry for myself either. I'm a mover and a shaker. I look for solutions. I advocate this way for other people. Still I can say, "I've been victimized in the past" without feeling embarrassed or ashamed.I believe this is one of the FIRST steps in the healing process. Even if I could have prevented some of the events that took place in ways that seems obvious to other people. I was a victim of a someone at one point of my life. However, my identity is not that of a victim. There is a big difference.

4.I'm so for accountability, yet I don't think she should beat herself up for making poor choices in this relationship.I think it's wrong for others to do that. We are all weak at times. We are all human. We should not get down on her for it. It's not like she was looking for advice on how to get the guy back. Now, should she make those mistakes again? No. Will she? I really hope not.

Did she make a whole lot of mistakes in this relationship? Yes. If she had been behaving like this in multiple relationships I could see how SOME of the highly critical responses here would be appropriate. I believe Karla got my point.

Not really surprising the responses. I agree with the comments about her taking personal responsibility for her life, and stop acting like a victim.

But what isn't surprising. Is that when the male is a white man. Black women suddenly own up to everything that they have done wrong. They see the errors in their ways, and never blame the white men on the whole. For the actions of one. But we all know if this was a Black man. Then let's sign the petition to exterminate the Black male race. Here is another many probably jealous of a "successful" black woman..etc, etc.

The message is no different from what Black men have been saying against you women for years. Race has nothing to do with it. You women are choosing the men. It has nothing to do with skin color. But this too was foretold.

The more Black women run and jump at the opportunity to get anything white. More white predators are going to see easy meat, and treat the women accordingly. I do wonder after 5-10 years of getting dogged out, and OOW births. Will Black women go on National TV, and cry to the world again?

Doubt it.

I know that my response is a bit late but I really do feel bad for "K". Many times there are Women who have great book smarts but no common sense. I say, take this as a learning lesson. First, just because someone is of a different race, in this scenario, Black Woman, White Guy, doesn't mean that White is right. He's a man and he should be treated as well as you'd treat any other Man. I think that many Black Women who've never dated out of their race think that the grass is greener on the other side. In reality, they realize there are just as many weeds in the next backyard. So due diligence is key. Get to know someone before you sleep with them, be in relationships with them and definitely before birthing their babies. The fact that he went and told the WHOLE hospital about you giving the impression that you are the crazy one makes his character look very sleezy. So even if he tried to act like he is better than you when you first saw him, he needed that to make himself feel good because he knew that he was WRONG. Anyone who works with both of you should have common sense that you are not that type of person and that he's just trying to make himself look better. That's what cowards like him do, they feed off putting others down when they've messed up. They tell people have stories, or change things around just to make themselves feel good and they do it by bad mouthing to others about the person they've harmed. I don't know why she felt the need to show the office pictures of them together, it's none of their business. Sometimes you have to take the high road and not engage in such childish behavior by stooping so someone else's level. I think that it's up to her to decide if she wants to stay at her job. If it becomes too unbearable for her to work there then perhaps consider leaving but for the most part, this too shall pass. She is NOT the only person to have had relations with people she works with. Some other gossip will come up and "K's" drama will be old news within a few weeks, things will get better and back to normal. Also, I'd stay she needs to STOP contacting the ex's and present girlfriends. It's very juvenile. I never understand why Women call other Woman to tell someone they don't know about the cheating guy. What is the point??? Are you comparing notes? What are you getting out of it? NOTHING. The only thing it's doing is contributing to your unhappiness. I say focus on your beautiful career in the Medical field. You have so much to offer the medical field, don't blow it over some guy who is not even worth it.

From my grasp of the article here K really fell hard for this guy and ended up feeling even more pain added on to what has happened in her life (death of her husband). I really feel for her and sometimes when our emotions are involved our inner sight can be foggy, but what has happened to her is definitely a learning experience. She can look back and say this is not the kind of relationship I want to have with a partner in the future. Following your gut is key and using your wise judgment. No matter what our age we are constantly learning and part of learning is screwing up at times, but I pray that Miss K will heal in time. I keep her in my paryers.

Admission , self actualisation and EVOLUTION will stamp out all abuse and social injustice. Climb to the highest rung and hold on for dear life.Stay in the light always. Mental health issues can come in all forms and all degrees. Perfect people do admit weaknesses and take it as a learning curve. They see strength in weakness.You can fool some people some of the time but you cannot fool all people most of the time.
This is not a spectacle ppl....nothing to see here, move on folks.

Before we lose sight of the point and make this about how nice/not nice BWE bloggers and members are supposed to be, let's review:

My names is “K” and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your blog. However I’ve just had a terrible experience with my first white guy!

^
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This is our first introduction to this person. She is someone who loved the concept of IR dating, but on her first outing had a bad experience. After observing what was written, and taking it as is, without necessarily calling her sanity, intentions, etc. into question, we observed that no, this was not an IR dating problem; it was about bad judgement.

Chris brought this up in her advice concerning the importance of vetting men before you decide to date them. So while discussing the letter and offering advice on her relationship is not directly relevant to the letter, it is relevant to the post.

I recall we got into a tone argument regarding someone asking about swirling for "plus-sized" women. As a matter of fact, I think things got so heated that only a couple of us actually addressed the letter writer!

I think people need to understand that BWE isn't always about being sugar-coated with what you say or think. Sometimes I get salty, but I never speak from a place of hatred or bitterness or a desire to hurt. I wouldn't dare make assumptions like that about anyone else that's part of these blogs, either. Life is not fair, and life is not always filled with chocolate-covered truths and opinions that won't hurt your feelings.

Too often, people look at BWE as a safe haven from such bluntness, mistaking a "harsher tone" as an attack akin to what anti-IR or anti-BWE persons have to say. Stop worrying about the tone. Look at the message.

Is it the truth? Is it meant to help or harm?

This is important because I'm tired of watching black women being lead off a damn cliff because the message speaker was oh so sweet and nice with their poison. You're getting your signals crossed.

It's not about the TONE, it's about the MESSAGE.

Can we not drag this off-topic and just agree to disagree with how other members express themselves?

Don't argue for other people's weaknesses. Don't argue for your own. When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it, immediately. ~Stephen R. Covey

Wow. What nasty mean spirited responses. Really? the article isnt eveb about HER life. Its about not letting the bad get you down.

Its not about your soapbox. Or what she specifically did wrong. And watching out for the bad guys. and this guy was a bad guy.

relax. e-hug her. just be ....nicer.

Whew! It's getting hot in here...

In re-reading the question, "Karla" seemed to be reaching out for advice on HOW TO GET PAST THE SITUATION AT WORK, since she has to see/interact with that douche frequently. I guess to paint the picture of how bad it was, she provided a lot of detail/backstory. Though she initially left out the part that she had been good friends with the guy for over a year, which may have contributed some to her letting her guard down when they actually started dating/became intimate.

I don't think it's unreasonable to solicit advice on the best way to move forward, especially since many of the regular posters freely admit to having made mistakes in the past and learned from them. What better group of people to seek advice from, then those who are already where one aspires to be?

I don't see anything wrong with the comments about changing jobs, leaving town etc, and even the suggestions to get therapy so she does not wind up in the situation again. But I think calling her stupid, saying she's manipulative, etc aren't helpful to her question, which was about how to move forward professionally. She really didn't ask "omg, why did this happen to me? Why didn't this relationship work out?" She seemed to be past that and him already and really trying to figure out the work piece. Had she asked the latter questions, then I think the more colorful responses could be warranted. Otherwise, it does come across as an excuse to pile on when someone already knows they screwed up.

Karla,

If you're still reading these comments (and I pray you're not), stop. A lot of these women are not here to help you. At all. They are only here to cast judgement. So, don't take it too seriously. And stay away from this thread.

To those of you who insist on being wrong and strong:

So what if she wanted some sympathy? Everybody needs some once in a while. Is that so awful? I don't think it is.I've need sympathy in the past. I went on public forum when I couldn't talk to my friends about it. The people in those forums were helpful. I was lucky enough not to come across judgment and blame. I got advice and sympathy, which is exactly what I needed at the time.

Just because someone asks for help publicly doesn't justify peoples going in on her. Again, she shows vulnerability and people use it as an excuse to dog her, and then blame her for being vulnerable.
When people post their drama on public boards, I don't use it as an excuse to dog them out. I have my opinion, and I post as respectfully and as non-judgmental as possible. Especially when a person appears to already be in a vulnerable emotional state. It has never been in my character to kick a person when they are down. No matter how foolish I believe their behavior is. I'm either helpful or I stay out of it. That's my character.

So, its obvious now that she should not have come here for support, but what does it say about the character of the women here who see another woman who is down and asking for support, and these women first respond by trashing her?
I don't use the anonymity of the internet as an opportunity to be mean. I also believe that people who do that are scum. Even those who believe they are a part of the BWE movement. Whatever that means to them.
You know what, I was used by a guy before. I got hurt, I was dogged. I didn't blame every man. I blame that man. He was a sociopath, it turns out. I didn't know better at the time, and now I do. I didn't have a lot of experience (just like Karla didn't) at the time, now I do. Was it my fault he dogged me? No. He was a dog. I will never take responsibility for him being a bad guy. Good guys don't use women, no matter how vulnerable she is. I knew what I knew when I knew it. No one is born knowing how to behave in every situation. That come with time and with experience. Some 18 year olds have more dating experience than some 30 year olds. I was in my first relationship at age 20, and that listed till age 26. I dated nice guys after that, but didn't get into a serious relationship until 28. That guy dogged me out.Not immediately, he was on his best behavior the first couple of months. and then boom, became another person.He waited till he knew I was in love. I didn't even have to tell him. But I wanted things to get back to the way they were in the beginning, so I stayed and tried to make things work. I thought his behavior changed because of something I did. I blamed myself because that's what I tended to do back then. People use self blame often to fool themselves into believing they have more power than they really do. The truth is, sometimes you don't know when someone you care about is going to betray you.

In order for a relationship to work there has to be some vulnerability. in Karla's case she didn't realize when the appropriate time was. For god's sake she was married to her first boyfriend! Maybe, that relationship proceeded quickly and she was expecting the same thing with this guy. She knew him as a friend for a year.He was obviously pulling a bait and switch on her.

And by the way, she said she was using birth control. all birth control has a failure rate.

Again, I truly believe too many black people (from various parts of the world)take that tough love approach to “helping” each other way too often. Even when you truly mean well. It’s like first instinct. Like beating a child when they’ve done something wrong or inappropriate. First thought is to beat them. All a part of the cultural dysfunction in my humble opinion.

"She was not only seeking advice…she also wanted people to feel sorry for her."

Ding,Ding,Ding,Ding,Ding,Ding,Ding,Ding, We have a winner.

As one who believes in love and treasures spontaneity, I can say logic hasn't been the foremost measure in my own relationships. So I am not one to talk :-)

There is a point in most of our lives where passion takes over common sense. You are indeed lucky if you can feel this kind of passion or love as many never do. That being said as adults we must all deal with and accept the consequences of our own actions .....good or bad.

As for sex, I am not the one to tell adults whether to have or not to have sex....that is a waste of breathe. But since the ramifications of open sexual behaviour has been devastating IN THE BC, we must be cautious. It is not the sex act itself or spontaneity that is killing the BC or causing the skyrocketing OOW, but rather lack of basic sex education and safe sex practices, along with clinging to outdated religious belief structures.

European white women have sex more than any other group of women I know, yet they have the lowest rate of pregnancy and disease. Why....simple...education and culture are the keys. The women in Amsterdam do as they please, with few ramifications. And it is not soley about white skin. It is a bit of a mix of many things Christelyn has mentioned. Keeping your business on the DL, being educated and wise in your choices even if they are many and using birth control.

But I think the answer to American OOW births is near. The men don't want these children to begin with and the advent or production of the male birth control pill will change our community forever.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/08/male-birth-control-vasectomy_n_873145.html

You know what would be really interesting would be to see the responses to Karl's ex had he come here posting the same information in the reverse.
“ Question of the Week: I’ve just had a terrible experience with my first black gal!
The facts as stated would all be the same and he would own his caddish behavior. He would be coming here to us for help to be come a better man.

For argument I could start the thread much in a similar way.

“45 going on 15. The most frightening thing in this post is that this man is a respiratory therapist. I would not want someone so lacking in common sense and critical thinking ability caring for me.”

Harsh? Sure. Cold? Hell yeah. It speaks to my not wanting to knowingly be in a vulnerable position to someone so lacking in, well I said it above.

Face it neither one of the parties involved in this train wreck are any box of chocolates. She kept going back and he kept taking her back. I guess since she came here and it was her question that after all we have concentrated on we see what he did to she and not what she did to he. Well some of us got it since AgapeAmore gives a very good breakdown about what I feel are the problems with the OP.

Now my question is this and I am in deadly earnest as I type this. Why on earth would you post a drama like this on a public blog for the consumption of a bunch of anonymous people to dissect like a lab animal? What did the letter writer expect and what were her motivations? I mean was the advice received here so sage and miraculous that it could not be found in private, offline among people who know who you really are as a complete and whole person and not this limited portrait we have been presented with?

It's not a white-guy thing, douche bags come in all sizes, colors, and nationalities. You're worth much so much more than this. Don't settle for the player crap.

Mark H

Some of you ladies wow!!
Judgmental as hell. Let this be a lesson to anyone thinking of reaching out to the women on this board when you need advice with a personal problem. Some of the ladies will use it as an opportunity to get some "free kicks" in.

That being said, ladies who are really looking to help first get in touch with your empathetic side. If you come up to a wounded person with the intention of slapping them into reality, your like the person who abused them in the first place. They either will respond with defensiveness or tune you out. So, if you truly want to help.....

C'mon guys, if she came on here to share her experience of rape or date rape, would you guys ask her how she was dressed or whether she kissed the guy, and then proceed to tell her 101 reason why it was her fault the rape took place? She was emotionally vulnerable, and was emotionally raped. Just like a women who walks on the city streets alone late at night is vulnerable and at higher risk of being taken advantage of, so is one who dates when they are emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes your lucky and get home before the rapists out there get to you. Sometimes you are lucky and find a relationship with a good person who treats you well (and you two get married) before you run into someone who will dog you.

My point being that she was vulnerable, and had the bad luck of running into a bad guy while in that emotional state. It could have easily been a good guy she dated. Then she would have never been on her telling this experience.

Best advice to a rape and emotional rape victim is to protect yourself so that there won't be a next time. You can't change what happened. Don't blame yourself. Don't beat yourself up.Don't listen to those who try to either. You know better now. Look forward, and never let it happen again by protecting yourself better from now on. Protect your self better by learning how to.

I'm not a therapist, but based on what's happened in my life and all the books I've read to cope, and all the times well-meaning people have said the wrong thing, and all times well-meaning people have said the right thing, this is what I've come away with.
For the catty biotches who are under the guise of giving "tough love" when you really just want to kick a sister when she's down, I have one word for you. Fugly.
I don't know who y'all are, but y'all know who y'all are.
.
Finally, I truly believe too many black people (from various parts of the world)take that tough love approach to "helping" each other way too often. Even when you truly mean well. It's like first instinct. Like beating a child when they've done something wrong or inappropriate. First thought is to beat them. All a part of the cultural dysfunction in my humble opinion.

"My names is 'K' and I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your blog."

Interesting that K reads Christelyn's blog but failed to notice the NWNW theme. If she had paid heed to that she wouldn't have allowed herself to become pregnant before she was in a committed relationship.

Sorry to sound so judgmental, but there are DBR men in all colors, races, ethnicities, nationalities, etc., etc., etc. It's our jobs as women to vet the men we let in our lives -- and especially the men we allow to impregnate us. Those are the hard cold facts.

Whew!

I am scared or scuuuuuurrred of Law Wanxi.
This is just too much truth in one day. If I saw him on the street and knew who he was....I would run screaming...I don't think I can take more :-)

So much to think about....

See this below

"Also, most of the female physicians I know are not married and probably never will be. If you have a BSN, then ARNP is probably a better choice."

re: Karla
Interesting to me is that many women I know chose education as a way to re-direct their lives. If they were in a bad relationship, they often moved, went to Grad school or chose some kind of higher education as a path to solace. The man in their equation simply chose another woman, found a new relationship and concerned himself with that, nothing more.

I haven't read the other responses yet, but people need to realize that men are men: black, white, green or blue. He sounds like a narcissistic sociopath and she should have stayed away from him when he broke up with her for no reason - pregnant or not. I'm sure there were other warning signs from the very beginning though.

To Karla, listen to all the good advice and move on......
http://youtu.be/P8GW6N3XYi8

I think our writer got a lot of good tips, advice and suggestions in these posts. I suggest she takes what can use and throw the rest out. We know some of the story but not all of it, only she knows that. So only she can assess what will help and what won't. I'd do what someone said above, take some of these things and discuss them in therapy. The best thing about therapy is the person is objective, usually not harsh but not too soft either, and they can give you some tools that can help you make the changes you need in your life. You're still alive, you didn't die, this didn't kill you so know there are lessons to learn. That's the best you can do.

there are HARDCORE losers in every race...
my mouth is hanging open...i'm just speechless...