Question of the Week: Why Am I Invisible To Rainbeaus??

Word from a WM with a jones for BW. Every man has his own personal "flavor". Some like them tall and yellow; some like them short and brown (to quote Little Jimmy Rushing). For men, it's always physical. We like what we like. Fortunately, we don't all jones after the same flavor, because if we did we'd all be fighting over one woman.

If that seems frustrating and weird to women, rest assured that y'all seem frustrating and weird to us, too.

I had a conversation with a really sweet old man the other day. He said and I quote, all men have women in mind for one thing its the nether regions! This man has lived a long and fulfilling life. He has had his heart broken by his ex wife and others.He probably knows what he is talking about. He also said there are plenty of fishes in the sea. I just take everything he said with a pinch of salt because I am getting one of many perspective of how men think. The good the bad and the ugly.
What exactly does this lady want us to do for her?

Actually I do have a question or three.

Why do you feel you both have 'great chemistry?'

What do you have in common?

What in heaven's name do you mean by 'I'm not white and it hurts'?

For real??

Lots of sound advice here, nothing to add

BUT

where on earth does Chris get the images she uses- i remember one that had turd, lol!

Now the invisible woman, great stuff..:)

So the feelings aren't mutual and she's...poor infatuated chicky. I don't know. If I had a pocketful of miracles for her then...no, wouldn't necessarily work. Forget it. Anyhow, yeah, honestly need more data. Account too sketchy. Wish I was there, like the proverbial "fly on the wall" to buzz around and catch more (frm dif angles, know what I mean?) than what she's supposedly talking about here. So many factors, variables that figure in to make for mutually ramantic attraction, esp. for deep and lasting relationships, more so than ever nowadays it appears (*exhale* Oh my Gosh!). Lot's of times we folks tend to skip important considerations in speaking our tale of woe, usually in a manner that puts us in the the best possible light & the other party under a cloud (Human nature, naturally, so I don't mean to be rocking the boat here guys and dolls but let's face the facts of life about our tendencies and well...us as people)

From her letter, it sounds like it's one particular guy, rather than various men. So you may be focusing too much on one man and not putting yourself out there and explore other choices. This one guy is not a representation of all men, so pick yourself up and go mingle. You might miss out on a better guy and a great relationship if you're too busy feeling down over this one dude.

It also sounds like you may want to work on your self esteem. You can exercise, eat healthy and look great on the outside all day but if your self esteem is low, you're going to encounter problems with different people, especially when it comes to dating. If the guy is only into white women, so what? There plenty of other men available. Plus it's his loss, right?

And if she's asking why is she hurt and wishing she was white, it's obvious because she's internalized a level of self-hatred that makes her believe that she would be more attractive and noticeable if she were a white woman. Even an ugly one.

These notions are poisonous falsehoods, and I hope more black women purge themselves of it. Not only are they harmful and self-defeating, but needless; there are men out there who will love and appreciate you regardless, and in some cases, the darker you are, the more beautiful you are to them. So drop that "if only I were a white girl" crap.

...Actually, I'm curious because after reading the letter, nowhere does it state the race of her ideal man. WE are assuming that he's not black. The letter reads like he is a black man. Especially where she keeps mentioning his fixation of white women, regardless of whether or not they are attractive, while completely ignoring her. He's either black or a non-white male, who is apparently seriously color struck.

After all, how unusual or "hurtful" is it for a white guy to be interested in white women? O_o Also, I find it hard to believe that white guys will genuinely not care about the attractiveness level of a woman, "so long as she's white". I hate to be mean about it, but white guys will at the very least shoot for something other than the dog kennel; this "as long as she's got white skin, looks don't matter", reads as colorist. And I doubt this person has her eyes set on a KKK member (?)

If this is genuine, I'm going to assume this woman is making eyes at some color-struck non-WM, in which case, she is better off looking elsewhere. You should be grateful for being invisible to this type of person, because if you are looking for true love and affection, things that are more than "skin deep", this does not sound like the type of man who could give it to you. You seem to be imagining him as perfect for you through a one-sided connection without taking the reality of his point of view and wants into consideration.

Rather than trying to cook up a "non-invisibility" potion, I'd recommend moving on to men who see you, ALL of you, and who clearly would like to be with you.

To be honest, I agree that regardless of whether or not the letter is not real, there is some sound advice for persons lurking who might actually need it.

As for the troll, he/she DID pop up in another post and I flagged their comments because they were ridiculous. I don't have to see the comments to know that it was more of the same in here.

I find it interesting that whenever we post a letter, these idiots show up in rare form, with all the gas and smoke and mirrors they can get their hands on to try and derail things or BS as many people as possible. I don't know about anyone else, but that looks like FEAR to me.

Take intitiative and ask him out. One of three things could happen: 1. He says no, 2. He says yes and he turns out to be worth it or 3. He says yes and after dating him, he turns out not to be worth it.

"But when it comes to anything beyond friendship, it seems like he notices every Caucasian girl, in close proximity, regardless of whether or not she’s remotely attractive."

MY dear. Take a deep breath and relax. The young man may not be into black women. He doesn't have to be. As they say the heart wants what the heart wants. We all have our preferences and I afraid dear you are not the one. Over the course of your life this is going to happen often. It happens to everyone. You can't have every one you dig. It never works like that.

Now the time you are spending obsessing over this guy you could be A.) spending on your self or B.) noticing some other guy or C.) not paying attention to some other guy who digs you.

"However, it feels like, romantically speaking, I’m invisible because, simply put, I’m not white and that hurts."

Has it ever occurred to you that even if you were white he would still not be into you? Guys like to look. You have no idea what he is thinking. Guys like to look and they do not have to look at you. Don't spend a lot of time trying to figure it out either. Move on.

You are hurt because you want him and you are not what he wants. This is not cool darling and you need to get your mind right because you are setting yourself for a life time of relationship pain. Bending and twisting and wishing to be what someone else wants is no way to live. It is also no way to find love. Women like that are tailor made for the dogs out there, the abusers, the users, jerks and the cads call them what ever you want. You are setting yourself up to get played. People can smell low self esteem a mile away. The creeps zero in on it and other just avoid you. Maybe this guy you like can smell it too.

You are the woman you are. Love you. Develop you. Maximize you. Be great. Everything else fall into place once you do that.

Okay, I think a lot of people may be assuming things here. I'm not sure of the details from the original poster, "L," but I think a few things need to be determined before people can so easily say what this girl should or shouldn't do. The original post just seems rather vague. I'm not sure if "L" has been back to comment or explain, but I do have a few questions for her:

1) How old are you? I think it makes a great deal of difference if you're 18 years old vs. being 35 years old, for example.

2) How long have you known this guy? Is this someone that you just met or have you known him for a significant amount of time?

3) You say you have a lot in common -- like what? Is it something as meaningless as your favorite color is blue and so is his? Or is it something a bit more meaningful like your philosophy on life?

4) I think this next question is an important one as far race is concerned -- You say you feel "invisible" whenever you're together. But the question is, how "visible" are you making yourself to him? I ask this because it seems like sometimes black women have a tendency to make it appear that they only like/date black men. Sometimes white men assume that anyway because of what mainly black society has told them over and over again. Think about it -- if you've only ever commented that you think guys like Denzel Washington, Shemar Moore, LL Cool J, Blair Underwood, Taye Diggs, Morris Chestnut, etc. are the finest thing around, then that may be part of the reason why you feel "invisible" around this dude.

5) How often do you all meet with your group of friends? Is there ever any time when you two are alone? If you two have so much in common, surely there's something you two can do without the group being an element.

6) You said he notices every white girl around. Really??? Is it truly every white girl or is it just some white girls? I ask because if he's noticing "every" white girl, or every girl regardless of color, is this guy just simply a wh0re? If that's the case, you're much better off just being friends. The last thing you want to do is ruin this friendship with what you want to be something meaningful, only for him to find out you're interested, sleep with you, and then never call you again. I mean, honestly, who wants to be with that kind of guy anyway?

In any event, good luck to you, "L." I hope things somehow work out for you.

Perhaps this letter is a farce and perhaps it isn't, but for now I'll treat it as if the writer is being serious..

"However, it feels like, romantically speaking, I’m invisible because, simply put, I’m not white and that hurts."

That line reminds me of the book "The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison.If you haven't read the book, you should.

The Bluest Eye is about a very dark skinned little black girl who feels that if she were white and had beautiful blue eyes the whole world would love her. I think the book gives a lot of insight into the way many darker skinned black women feel who don't fit the mold of what this society considers the standard kind of beauty.

Clearly the writer of this email has some self-esteem issues but she is also probably very young (teenager or early 20's). When you're that young it's really easy to catch a case of the one-itis, i.e,. if that one guy doesn't like you like you like him then the whole world must be ending and you become so fixated on that one person that you lose perspective on the situation. I can remember when I was younger and would obsess over some guy if he didn't like me the way that I liked him. I used to hate on girls with big butts 'cause I did not get the black girl booty! lol But I grew into my looks and accepted the 'big booty girl' look was not my thing and that the 'model chick' was really who I was. So I began to put myself in front of guys who liked my long, slender, athletic and tall shape.

I think this girl need to grow into and learn to accept her own unique beauty as a black women. No amount of working out and reading books is going to make you less black and until you accept who you are and your unique attributes, your self-esteem is going to be low no matter how much you hit the gym.

Bottom line: this particular guy isn't feeling her and she just needs to accept that and move on.

With all due respect Christelyn, I am suprised that you posted this letter :)

Wanted to share this with the writer... good article for married or single women

http://www.divinecaroline.com/22065/35337-wants

i gotta ask: Is the initial letter 100% fer realz? this isn't a trollicious set-up? no?