Question of the Week: Why is it Everyone’s Business If Some Black Women Have a Preference for Non-Black Men?

 NewMaya3  That's what they always say. "I'm speaking my truth" And they get mad when black 'speak their truth. 

SMH.

 NewMaya3 I have no idea what was wrng with me 12 hours ago! 

*And they get mad when black women tell their truth!*

Because I can write a book TODAY and expose all the nasty truths that's stuck up under the table! We should all get together and write a book. 

 astringofpearls  NewMaya3 When can we start on the book???!!!

 NewMaya3

 Please, DL Hughley is on the DL...I never liked his badly constructed loc behind from the start! Give him a couple of years and he will be OUT.

 PamelaFoster  NewMaya3

 "Please, DL Hughley is on the DL..." LMAO!!!! That had me cracking up!!!!But seriously, it wouldn't surprise me at all.

* an attitude.

 astringofpearls Yeah, this picture made me laugh too!!! :-P He does look like he has an attitude!! ahahaha

 Kia

 Your words are so true and believe it or not, not enough black women know it!

 NewMaya3  True. It's as if thousands of Black women are in the bottom of a huge, dark box, while other races of women aren't in the box at all and loving whomever loves them. It took a while, but I'm glad to be out of that box.

 Kia I agree we should expand our options. It took the persistence of my fiance' for me to finally accept this. I thought about options before him, but not seriously until it began to blossom.  Some of us wait years for a quality Black man to finally come along. We need a serious wake up call, because many Black women die alone waiting for something that will never happen.

That's "some needed me to be some sort of..."

 Statuesque

 I struggled for a bit simply because I didn't want to offend anyone. I think we all reach a point where we have to be honest with ourselves, my preference was overwhelmingly for older white men.  I also had crushes on latino men and a few asian men (there are not many asian men in my area) but never on black men.  I don't know why I just didn't.  Even as a child playing dress-up my prince charming was always white.  I finally decided when I was 18 that I wasn't going to be one of those people that live life trying to not offend others.  My life my decision.  I am just happy I came to this conclusion fairly young.

 thecrazyartist  " I struggled for a bit simply because I didn't want to offend anyone"

This is the main thing I've struggled with. While I never felt guilty for being attracted to non black men (mainly white), I have felt guilty for doubting that I'd ever seriously date another bm..... I felt like a racist or something lol..because I care about people's feelings and I try not to generalize...and you never know what package love may come in..but what if you don't like the package? lol then what do you do?

 I'm not going to go with a bm if a bm is not who I really want. I still don't quite feel right saying I have a preference for white men for some reason..I think because I'm still young (23 on Nov 6! woot woot!) and it is just dawning on me that this is my preference and probably will be for the rest of my life...I have always been attracted to white  and black men (well, boys back then) ..but now, it's less bm, more wm!!!! 

Most of the black men who were hot sh*t to me back in the day don't do it for me! When I say preference though I mean that's mostly who I like.. ...because I like some Latino men and and biracial men and such... but the kind who aren't trying to be down....not hood latinos and ratchet mixed dudes lol...so if I found another guy who wasn't white i wonder if I'd still be happy...I think I just generally like non black men though, now. Now that I've been exclusively dating them for a little while (well, I flirted with some white guys throughout high school and the beginning of college but never took it seriously...

I was with my ex for a year, and I've been single and dating for about 4 months). it feels weird even trying to flirt or date most bm again....like they're my brother or something haha..even the few who I am attracted to (for some reason, these are usually the ones who people say "act white") are usually f-d up, I wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole lol..or they only date white women! lol. I just don't know..

I'm all over the place..but my attraction and interest is at least 80% wm now, 15% other non bm, and 5% black men haha...I've just been made to feel bad, like I'm putting too much emphasis on race..when I'm not just looking at that. I don't just date any wm who comes along..I do have standards, ya know! :-)

 Kia

I didnt know that there are meetups for black women in interracial relationships 

Also how do I add paragraph breaks to posts? That's one big block of text lol.

 Dandelion100  I will fix this in the edit window. Did you type this on a PC?

@Brenda55 no it was an iPad.

 Dandelion100 

OK I broke up your post for ease of reading, carefully reading the whole thing and now I gonna help you out.

Get rid of your colorstruck guilt tripping on again off again boyfriend.

If you are not into him so be it. You are not into him or any other black man. Move him out of the way and get with what you like.

 YOU DO NOT OWE HIM JACK JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE BOTH BLACK.

 He has a preference and that is light skinned black women I.E.you. He will just move on and guilt trip some other light skinned woman into hanging with his non-committal ass.  Who knows after two years with her he may manage to put a ring on it. 

You like what you like. If black men, particularly dark black men don't do it for you then they don't.   He will live.  A lot of men mostly black men did not like my dark skin and I had to live with that.  Us dark sisters can't guilt a black  man into accepting our dark skin.  They really do not care how we feel.  they do not feel that they owe us solidarity so I learned to stop checking for black men. After I got my mind right I admitted that I liked white men of a certain size and shape.  That what trips my trigger and what I respond to. Thats what I married. 

Of course you're going to get attention. Those men are exercising their preference for the type of women that they like and they are being aggressive to the point of being boorish because black men have forgotten the fine art of courting a woman. Mostly because most black men don't think most black women are not worth the bother.  Black men have gotten in their heads that black women can be gotten on the cheap with very little effort and without being much to the table. That is why spaces like this one are so threatening. We are letting black women know that they have alternatives and support when they exercise them.

Most non-black men know that masculinity does not mean acting like a jerk. They know that respecting boundaries and the sensitivities of a woman is the way to go. They know that they have to bring something to the table if they want to get anywhere with the woman they want.  Non-black men are not having trouble meeting and dating women. Non-black men are interested in black women and that is proves daily. 

Remember empty barrels make the most noise and the more aggressive the approach the less the man has to offer and the more insecurity he is hiding.  But that is not your problem to sort out. You know how you like to be approached.  You know how you like to be approached and you know how you like to be treated and you know what physical and personality characteristic that you like.  Stop wasting time with some guy that is not meeting your needs.

Finally men who cannot compete successfully  in the arena with other men will try to give themselves a handicap in order to achieve their goals. That could be anything like playing the race card, guilt card having  to having a pity party on their plight as black men what have you. The bottom line is they for whatever reason they can't compete and they want you to grade them on a curve and cut them a break. Don't buy that mess and get what you want. believe men these same men will not give you the same consideration when the shoe is on the other foot.

.  

 Brenda55   *applauds*

@Brenda55 @Dandelion100 I'm usually lurking, but I agree with the advice Brenda55 just shared. Another thing to think about is to treat people the way you want to be treated. I am actually seeing a therapist now who has helped me to see that there is nothing wrong with my preference. Would you want someone to be with you if they weren't really attracted to you, didn't have those feelings, but just felt guilty? There's a time and place for everything, but you shouldn't allow your heart and a relationship to be an act of charity. You do not only yourself a great disservice to continue a relationship that doesn't work for you b/c your time is wasted when you could be getting to know someone who is more of what you're looking for, but for the guy, who could be with someone who loves him for him, and of course, your daughter, b/c you never know how children internalize these things. Basically, if it's your heart, you have a right to be picky in whom you'll invest it in. It's valuable, and the wrong choice in a man can mean life or death (eg Whitney Houston, may she rest in peace).

@KinkyBottleBlonde00 That actually caused me to think, and you do have a point. I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't attracted to me. I have told him that I wasn't really attracted to black guys, and he knows this. But I'm his ideal appearance-wise. His absolute ideal except not being dark skinned. The reason he wanted to date in the first place was because of my appearance. It's not that he is unattractive, but he isn't my ideal appearance-wise. He knows this, yet still is desperate to be with me. In fact, when we broke up, he was upset that "that ass won't be mine anymore." I want to let it end, but it's hard. Like I said I might have to just write the whole thing in a more detailed email.

@Dandelion100 Thanks for replying, and only write the email if you want, only for your benefit. You owe none of us an explanation for how you feel or why you feel, b/c we can only be responsible for our own individual happiness as humans. Even if you are one of the few people in this world who can control what they find attractive, and your attraction to non-blacks is based on witchcraft (or insert any stupid reason like getting revenge?), you still don't owe anyone an explanation. If you want to be in a relationship with the guy, that's fine, b/c you have to be in the relationship with him, not me. If you don't, it's fine b/c this impacts you and only you are responsible for your happiness. All relationships require work, and if you want a marriage, you have to screen them like potential employees. There are plenty of nice people in this world, but not all of them are qualified to be yours, mine, or Elizabeth Taylor's (may she rest in peace) life partner. Would you feel good about a dentist or a doctor performing a procedure on you b/c he was awarded his degree b/c he was a nice student, showed up to class, and the instructors were worried that they might never find people who could grasp the complexity of the work, put in a lot of effort as good students, but are just not professional material. Would you let a hair stylist who do your hair if she has messed up your hair previously, even though she worked long hours and had a nice personality? A good man is hard to find, but how does holding onto someone you don't want make the process easier? If you know what you need in a relationship, and neglect it, you have only yourself to answer and blame, just

 KinkyBottleBlonde00  Any chance you might be in NYC?  I'm having a devil of a time finding a therapist who thinks it's acceptable for BW to date out.

(Also, what is it with them thinking that their biases don't leak through into their "behavioral suggestions"?  Hello, we see you!)

 m008  KinkyBottleBlonde00

 That's ridiculous. I would think NYC would have better therapists than the quacks you've been seeing. These clowns must have been around when Fred and Wilma were having marital troubles.

@Brenda55 Thank you for your advice. The funny thing, he actually prefers dark skinned women. He said and I quote "You're the lightest I'll go." Hes definitely not a bad guy, and I don't mean to make it seem that way. I guess he is what many would call "a good black man" i.e. he has a job, car, is getting an education, has a good head on his shoulders. I guess that's another thing that's kept me lingering. I've asked other people for advice on the matter, and one said I should stay with him or I "might miss a good opportunity," the other said I won't find another guy like him, and another said "he's a keeper." Theres a part of me that wonders if I'll ever find such a "good guy." I know they're out there, but even my ex himself said that most guys are assholes and I will most likely be disappointed if I date someone else. He even said "I'm awesome, and if you can find someone better than me, go ahead." Again, I don't want to make him seem like an ass, but that comment didn't sit to well with me. It's like everytime I tried to break it off he reminded me of how much he helped me financially and how other guys wouldn't do that. I'm grateful for all that he has done, but the feelings just aren't there. So I also feel guilty because he has helped me a lot. The situation is a bit complicated. It's like I'm on the fence. I think I might have to write an email to explain the whole thing. And I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, and it's been stressing me this whole year.

 Dandelion100 Honey, he may have the earmarks of what one considers a "good black man" but he isn't because any man whose major concern is the fact that your ass won't be his anymore doesn't know what it means to be a good man. If he actually cared about you, that would actually be the last thing on his mind. Serial killers have cars, jobs, educations, and fool many into thinking they have a good head on their shoulders, but they still end up slaughtering a gang of people. Of course that's an extreme example, but if it doesn't feel right in your heart, then it ain't right. Don't let your head try to rationalize what your intuition is telling you has no rationale. The only way to find someone that you really want to be with is to get rid of the one that's blocking your path to happiness.

 grrlysquirrel75  Dandelion100 

"I think I might have to write an email to explain the whole thing. And I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, and it's been stressing me this whole year."

Write the e-mail....or not.

Would more details presented here really change what your gut is feeling? 

Gratitude is not love nor is it a satisfying substitution.

Write the e-mail to vent. That in itself is worth while but again I ask would it change what your gut is telling you?

 Dandelion100  Brenda55 I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but I'll say this:  You will always find another guy whom you aren't sure is exactly what you want.  You will trip over them on the way to...any place.  They are, in fact, like buses.  Do not listen to women who have decided to settle and think you should too.  They have impaired judgment that we can all understand, but do not need to relate to or follow.

If that deep feeling of love isn't there now, it won't be when you really need to draw upon it to rekindle your relationship and recommit to it when all isn't hunky-dory.  Like when your in laws are ill, your twin three year olds are screaming all day and night, and the two of you are working long hours and haven't had a date night in six months.  

Don't be afraid that you can't find what you are really looking for, who you really want.  You will.

 Statuesque  Dandelion100  Brenda55

I think it is time to cut off this man for good, he is stressing you out, you don't really want him and to me it sounds like you are compromisong your happiness. 

"I'm awesome, and if you can find someone better than me, go ahead."

GET OUT NOW!  What kind of man says this? One with low self esteem and the desire to guilt you. If he is that awesome then women should be lining up right?  You have nothing to lose by dumping him.  He is insecure, your lighter skin color is a source of vitriol and hatred for him.  He may say he "prefers darkskin women"  but he shows all the signs of being colorstruck. 

He doesn't respect you, why the hell is he so afriad of not being able to control your thoughts? Hence the guilt trips.  He is a grown man, and he expects ypu to boost his self esteem and self worth.  That is truly pathetic and it sounds like it is time to get rid of him, for the sake of your mental health.

 Dandelion100  Please...I would write your long comments here, because they might help other women. Just break them up into segments, if you prefer.

This friend of yours is playing you, badly. You remind me of myself years ago...at least the manipulative relationship part. My ex husband (Black) used to tell me routinely that no one else would want me, so I might as well stay with him. Our marriage was on its way out. Before that, I found out that it was unacceptable for me to even have a suntan by accident. I was hanging out at the beach, came home darker, and he went crazy yelling, telling me that I looked dirty. I was, and am still light complexioned, but not light enough for him, it seemed. Are you supposed to be impressed because your ex (current friend) said he won't go lighter than you? I guess you should feel lucky. *rolls eyes*

I used to straighten my hair, because it would have been a marriage disaster to chop it off and wear it natural (even though it's curly)! At some point close to the end of my marriage, I found out something shocking. I was what I will call a "stop over girl." That meant that we are only in this man's life until he gets what he really wants (a white woman). That is the situation with a lot of lighter skinned Black woman. So, does the man really want us, or the colorstruck image of us? Why are we Black women taking this nonsense from men who should know better that to play skin color games? This is one of the main reasons Black woman of different skin colors have problems with each other, even if we are not contributing to it.

As for the preferred woman, it doesn't matter if she is 350 pounds, almost half her teeth are missing, doesn't have a job, any ambitions, decent hygiene etc., she will be considered better than a Black woman by a long shot, no matter what we have, our accomplishments, physical health, family values, etc. I had no idea I married a man of that sort until I got "dirty" at the beach, and over a year later, realized that cutting off my relaxed hair would cause problems for HIS damn esteem. What a mess. I am happy to be divorced, and now after years of believing and internalizing some of his crap, I am in a relationship with a wonderful Dutch man who likes my natural hair and has no problem with my skin color, etc. What a difference another man makes. But, that only happens for Black women who are not thoroughly worn out by a previous man's emotional and racial manipulation. Healing takes time.

Colorstruck men can ruin a Black woman's life. We have more than enough problems just living in this society which leaves us out of any beauty image. Even while the "acceptable" ones are obtaining our features by artificial means, they are considered beautiful, and I am like WTF, here we are, rejected yet again? So, it is no surprise that people are shocked when a White man is interested in us.

I say, if Black men prefer "trailer trash" they are not good enough for Black women anyway. What's the loss to us, really? But, no matter...we will still be ostracized for being with nonblack men, no matter how much we are loved and cared for. We gotta be down with the bruvas, even if they're not down with us. Forget that crap! Your friend may be a "good man" in some ways, but he is guilt tripping you. What about your emotional stress level, sister? You are definitely stressed from his manipulative words and emotional games. If you want to keep this friendship, consider putting some distance between you and him. What do you owe him? His being "a catch" is no reason for you to consider a relationship with him. Plus, if he is all that, why the hell is he still single, with all of the single Black women around? Forget about what everyone else says. Think about lying in bed with him sleeping, while you are awake, wondering why you gave in, because others wanted you to. You will be miserable. Don't do it. Whose happiness and fulfillment is more important to you? Yours, his, or everyone who is telling you that this Black man is the best for you?

I am using this site to learn, share, vent, laugh, strengthen my spine, build up my self love, and become better at being me. I thank every woman and man who also wants these things for themselves. Black women seriously need it. For some of us, we are all we have. But, for those of us who have found love, I would NOT give it up just to fit in with anything that someone else wants for us. They are not living our lives or agonizing over our decision when they walk off into the sunset, satisfied that we saw things their way. If their way is our way, fine. Cool. If it is not, toss it! You are always going to be a Black woman. Everything else is a choice. I, for one, love being a Black woman. It is something that no one can take away from me. Like the site, I would rather define and defend myself, keeping myself mentally sane, and correcting this insane world, because we have enough to deal with. Love who you want to love. Many of us know from experience that nothing else is worth more. But, I understand...the pressure to conform is great, or this article would not have been written.

 SisterRainbow  Dandelion100 I know that was not for me, but thanks, SisterRainbow.  That was really touching and so heartfelt!

 Dandelion100  About my long post, of course you can share, but not if you don't feel comfortable. Some of what is happening to you upsets me from personal experience with a similar situation. My ex husband was the prime provider, and expected my tolerance. When I did try to share my experiences, the older generation of Black women (including my mother) were pro husband, and told me that a wife shouldn't be difficult, and that I should be glad that I have a man. I might have evolved earlier if I wasn't asked to minimize myself for the "good" of my marriage. It is very painful and unnatural to tolerate not having a self. You speak for yourself, so that is a good start.

 onthewaydown  Dandelion100 You are welcome. It is for everyone, as what you all write is for my benefit. I appreciate all of it. I need it, and I am still being helped, so I am taking full advantage of this site.  :-)

@SisterRainbow Thank you for sharing that. If I type my long comment it'll be a book, lol. But I appreciate that comment. If guess I really wasn't thinking of my own happiness. The thing is, my ex( the guy being referred to) really isn't a bad guy at all. In fact when I got all my scraggly damaged hair cut off into a short Afro he went with me to the salon and supported me. He has supported me a lot. BUT, I am now seeing that I was concentrating on all the good and ingnoring the bad. No ones perfect. I'm not perfect, and he isn't either. I guess I created this image of him being the perfect guy and ignored some of the offhand things he did. I have tried to end it. I mean we broke up three time, lol. Then it became a "friends with benefits" thing. Yeah, I know. Horrible decision. But even when I tried to stop that he's like "I guess you don't want to be around me anymore." recently I've tried to bring it up in conversation. I tried to say, "we should really talk about what's going to become of our relationship." He just ignores the topic. I think he has some delusion as well. He is fully aware that I'm not interested in a relationship, but he keeps hanging on. When I suggest to finally put and end to it, he acts like I want to cut him out my life completely, which I don't. And the thing is, he as women all over him. He's an artist, so that draws in women. From his workplace and from college. So he has plenty to choose from. He even says things like "You don't find me attractive," and " why don't you show affection to me?" Hmmm...I wonder. So he knows how it is on my end. I have made it clear. But for him, if he knows I'm not interested in continuing the relationship, why hang on? Why even try to be with someone you know isn't going to return the same feelings you have for them? I honestly can't return his feelings for me. No matter how many times I've thought of it, I know in my heart (yeah sounds cheesy) that just isn't the man I want to be with. But I think he has some hope that I'll come around. He has said this to me. I guess I just have to get the courage to put it to an end. Where it will come from, I don't know.

 Dandelion100  SisterRainbow

 Oh my God!!! I am with a black guy who has LOTS of options and I am trying to break up with him but he keeps trying to hang on a well.  Now I just dont call him for days.  I think his ego wont allow him to allow me to break up with him.  I am in the same situation that you are in.  He is not a bad guy.  We love each other.  A lot of chemistry.  He has this sense of entitlement that a lot of black guys have and is a little too immature for me...a manchild.

 Dandelion100  Phew, your situation is a hard one to go through. Your friend is emotionally manipulating you. I think you love him, or feel very strongly for him, since you have been together off and on for a while, and he has been supportive of many things. That is fine. But, you will never love him the way you should love a man as a partner (or you as his future wife).

No one is perfect, and sometimes we make mistakes being overly tolerant of men. However, he already knows he can get sex from you with no resistance. Why should he go anywhere? Yeah, I know he wants you. But, is there no option for a platonic friendship? Keep bringing this up, because as long as he tries to avoid the conversation, but you continue to accept him into your body, he will stick around. That is, until someone else becomes Plan A. And if that happens, it will really hurt you, let me tell you.

By the way, nothing about love or our hearts is cheesy. Black women have spent centuries denying our real feelings. We were expected to fix our "community" like mules, while we were left in the dust, and no one cared. When they wanted something to be fixed again, they looked at us. Hell, people are still doing this. Many Black women have been raised to see the best in others, but ignore the worst about them. In American history, that strategy had some merit, because all of us were being tortured. However, it is about time we do what WE want for a change, and listen to our minds, hearts, and whatever else we have, because no one is going to love us enough to do this for us...except us. Thinking this way is hard enough for many of us, but we need to keep telling ourselves that we matter.

Courage has to be cultivated. I didn't have any either. It's hard to be true to yourself, while pleasing others, isn't it? If you think back to the mindset you had when you first wanted to break up with your friend, and you think about where you are now, you should ask yourself how much longer you are willing to tolerate this arrangement. He might be nice, supportive, artistic, attractive, and has women attracted to him, but he is getting the benefits from you. It's your choice to have sex with him, especially if you enjoy it. You're a grown woman. But, for him, it is a tie that he will not break. Not many men would.

My fiance' said in the past that no one should allow another person to love them if they cannot return those feelings. It will only cause one-sided pain. Your decision will definitely not be easy. You don't have to rush. But you know, more than anyone else here, that you are reaching out grasping for guidance. Keep reading, and take the advice from another poster here about talking with someone. I know how it is to feel as if there is no one in your world to talk to. I felt completely lost. But, today, we have all kinds of communication at our disposal. Some of us grew up without this. Continue to take advantage of it.

When you finally decide what you will do, it would be best to feel comfortable with your decision. Would you consider not being friends with benefits any more? That might send a message to him after a while. You certainly don't owe him your body. What you do owe, you owe yourself. But. take the time you need to think deeply about this, because you are definitely tied to him emotionally, and you have to figure out how to break that tie without serious backlash. What are you willing to go through? Remember, it is easier for us to give you advice than it is for you to take it. You have to become willing to tilt self love in your favor. Just because it might not be easy doesn't mean it isn't worth it. Remember, courage has to be built, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but everyone is different. Contrary to popular belief, courage and fear can occupy the same space. It just depends upon how you use it. Just think deeply, remember to breathe, and repeat. Tomorrow is another day. But, remember...you can be in the same situation next year and the year after. So many of us have done this, and ultimately the one who was hurt in the long run was us.

 SisterRainbow I agree, sisterrainbow that was really touching and it hit home for a lot of women, including myself, who have struggled with low self esteem or who just settled for someone. I love reading all your stories. I'm truly grateful to have discovered this blog and it has truly helped to change my life. I know it sounds corny but it's so true. I'm so glad to see you happy with a man who loves and accepts all of you!

 MySmile So am I, even though it was a long time coming after settling for extremely insecure men a few times. Like Brenda55 said 2 days ago, Black men don't think they have to bring anything to the table, and also take us for granted. Thankfully, all Black men aren't like this. But, there are certainly more than enough of them so that these facts don't shock any of us. About low self esteem: It makes no sense for Black men to do this to us (racial humiliation). They know how this society is and how much low self esteem can ruin a person's life. But, they also know how to keep us under their foot using the very same tactic that they complain about when it is used against them. Sadly, racism in America is used as a justification for why we should stay with them or remain alone until we die. Unfortunately, it seems that Black men (who are completely unworthy of our time) will continue to juice this for as long as they can, because they have NOTHING else to use on us that works nearly as effectively. I'm glad to be happy with a man who doesn't feel the need to manipulate me emotionally and mentally. Not that White men don't do this. Some of them do. But, not every man feels the need to, and those are the only men worthy of having any Black woman as a wife.

@SisterRainbow I have nothing else to say other than I a agree with everything you wrote. You hit the nail on the head. I'm so glad I posted here lol. It might just be the Internet but that's better advice than I've gotten from anyone. Thank you for taking the time for that. I feel like the situation will be taken care of soon enough. I'll just have to re-read everything here and decide what I have to do. Thanks again! :)

 Dandelion100  You are welcome. I wanted to help in some way, as have others here. Just giving you some thought strategies. You will deal with this in your own way and time. Just know that you can communicate and vent at any time in the future. There are always other women going through similar situations.

By the way, your afro kitty avatar is very cute.  I like that pick.  :-)

 onthewaydown  SisterRainbow  Dandelion100 SisterRainbow, you spoke for alot of us. Thank you! Great advice and I could feel the positive energy in what you said.

 Brenda55  Dandelion100 Brenda, you put it down. You have a knack for seeing beyond the veil of what people are TRYING to make you or others see. Great advice!!