Rainbeau Spots a Girl Who’s Never Swirled, Too Shy To Speak Up But…

 VintageNarcissa Yeah, I'm admittedly uncomfortable with the tone of some of these comments. I think if he were "too shy" for black women, we wouldn't be trying to reach out now. Missed opportunities happen, and if he uses this post to get in touch with the woman who caught his eye, a lot of the fear and cynicism doesn't necessarily apply.

I mean I could see if we were talking about a guy who never dated black women, and only ever admired them from afar.

Shyness happens to people interested in intra-racial relationships. Shyness is just shyness. It's not always a symptom of a larger assumption (White men are scared of black women!)

VintageNarcissa

Sorry, "he wouldn't be trying to reach out to this woman now"*** is what I meant.

I think folks missed the part where he wasn't asking advice about how to date black women.

 VintageNarcissa This is odd. I don't get how people are "calling the firing squad" on this guy or how they are projecting their frustrations on him. Actually looking through the posts again I'd say the majority were of the "cute poem/all the best to ya" variety. The other angle  is basically  (myself included) a statement along the lines of "Josh  has to work on this shyness of his/let WM keep using this as an excuse".  No pussyfooting about it. We're constantly advising/teaching ourselves about all sorts of issues in this forum and I don't see why this should be any different.

 VintageNarcissa *let WM NOT keep using certain beliefs about BW as an excuse"

 KingsDaughter  VintageNarcissa "This is odd. I don't get how people are "calling the firing squad" on this guy or how they are projecting their frustrations on him"

Oh really?

Dude admits to being too shy to speak to a girl at that moment, admittedly stunned by her beauty. Writes a poem for her. Seeks to reach her through this blog.

If this guy were too shy to have any interest in black women, don't you think it would be a bit odd for him to be at an event featuring black women? Or saying anything else on the matter after said black woman passed him by?

I think for all the reiterating that black women are not a monolith, this guys right over the heads of some people anyway. That guy was not checking "for black women in general", he was checking for a very specific woman. People allowed their imaginations to run wild and assume he was too shy to talk to ANY black woman and act as if this were a common situation for this person because he is a white guy.

It turns out, nope, it's not. 

I think some black women are so used to fighting with black men about how worthwhile they are, that they automatically assume they need to fight everybody that shows up. This isn't the Color Purple and I am not Sofia.

Sometimes, I really do think that bluntness and honesty is necessary, but this is a case of unsolicited advice in a situation where it's blatantly unnecessary.

As I said, nowhere did this person ask anything of BBW readers. He didn't ask for dating advice. He didn't ask for advice on how to get over his shyness. So yes, it was a firing squad for no real reason and it was a bit embarrassing.

And believe me, I'm often on the receiving end of these emails (mostly from men) who say they will NEVER speak on this blog again, and all I can do is be understanding. My frustration is that if you guy jump down folks' throats every time you sense weakness of some sort, people will be too afraid to share their views and just sit in the sidelines. If that happens, we'll just be speaking in an echo chamber.

 Christelyn  Hummmm.  Can we call that group of posters the BB&W BallBreakers?

Kind of has a whole Roller Derby vibe.

 Christelyn I  would say it's their loss , NOT AT ALL in a flippant way, but I mean that.

Some of the issues, mindsets, self-imposed challenges that the letter writers display do beg response. The response might sound harsh perhaps, just perhaps, because the people asking for help may have been living in  a bubble and/or have made some sort of sacred cow of their issue. It is to their advantage to take note of some of the points raised if they're really keen on moving forward.  I don't think any of us are therapists in our day jobs but hey, I do see plenty of useful thoughts and ideas.  I don't think it is helpful to them in the long run to  cotton wool themselves. Also, it is all anonymous, which is a good thing so it's hard to understand why they say they will never speak on this blog again. Maybe the responses hit too close to home and they're just not ready to deal with that.

Chris I am not sure what you or he expected. i am honestly asking what should we have done - stay silent?  I guess we could have done that *shrug* but why? What purpose does it serve to not have a variety of thoughts and opinions (even if they are not favorable) to the post or person putting themseves out there. I feel if a person absolutely cannot handle the possibility of negative feedback they should avoid putting anything about themselves or what they did online

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I feel more men just need to accpet some realities, b/c too many wonen LIE to men telling them that being shy, sweet and sensitive and is "ok" and "hot".  I'm not saying there are no womwn that love men who are shy, and sensitive and who write poems, but if we take a calculation of the men women really reward witht heir affections in the dating market, its not those shy sweet sensitive guys. Yet these men are constnatly losing out in the dating arena and wonder why? Because women will not be honest with them.

I think we were respectful yet honest. And frankly Black women spend more time on IR forums talking about what *WE* can do better, how *WE* can improve and the few times we actually say what Non Black men need to do better its like we're being mean?

Hi Josh!

I think we are not really judging you, but just going by the information on the situation given to us and the fact that you wrote a poem to be released on public domain - which as you know does open you up for feedback which can be both positive and negative. Honestly, I wish more men would listen to women who are being honest instead of brushing it off as us being rude, mean or disrespectful. Too many women lie to men telling them stuff (i.e “that’s so sweet, ooh that is sooo romantic” “I love shy men”)   that ultimately hurts them in the long run when it comes to the dating/mating arena.

I even hate romantic movies for this reason –women lying to men telling them we love poems and sensitivity  yet most women are rewarding the guys who do the exact opposite.

I don’t think we were just talking about *you* we were voicing an overall frustration with these same situations in where White men constantly say (after the fact)  that they let an opporuntity to meet a Black woman pass him by b/c he was “too shy”. Most of the time the response is (from other Black women) that it’s the BLACK WOMAN’S FAULT b/c she didn’t do all she could to *HELP* him approach her. Now we are simply saying – you missed the opportunity and we are getting frustrated with hearing the same story of men being too shy. Not only that, I am just putting this out there and you can take it as you will BUT - writing a poem to a woman you don’t know and didn’t approach is NOT GOOD.

 If I had a penny for every time this situation arises I’d be a trillionaore. The fact is, if we Black women can sit on interracial forums and talk about the IMPROVEMENTS we need to make as women on increasing our chances in the dating/mating arena with Non Black men, we can also talk about the improvements non-black men  interested in Black women need to make. And when we are saying these things, they may actually help a guy if he is open to hearing things that would make his life much easier if he is interested in Black women. Wouldn’t you want to hear it from the horse’s mouth on what we really want and like from men?

What we are simply saying is, more White men need to overcome this shyness issues in the dating / mating arena b/c you can’t win! There are exexceptions to where a shy guy gets the girl of his dreams but they are rare. The men who get what they want are the men who aren’t afraid to go after it.

We also talk about what we as Black women need to do to have better success in the IR dating market.

Of course you are human and by God some of us may have missed opportunities at our own fault or will in the future. No big deal. And yes  I do tend to feel for shy men and understand that women can sometimes be intimidating, I feel I’d be doing a disservice by not being honest about how the situation will look to some women (writing a poem after the fact). And speaking of poems – and I don’t care if you get mad at me but this is coming from a place of LOVE and concern (lol)

Please Josh do not ever write  poem to a woman you don’t know!  It comes off as supplicating (some women may even feel it’s creepy although I don’t)  and really doesn’t make you look good as a man. I know women will tell you it’s sweet and romantic to be nice, but I am going to tell you how women *REALLY* think. And actually look at the men who typically win in the dating arena? They are not writing poems nor are they supplicating to women and they aren’t shy. That’s a fact and women will never admit this as a whole but it’s the TRUTH.

And guess what? If you don’t believe me, or you think we were being hard on you here, go  visit a game or PUA site where there are nothing but men like yourself who will attest to what I am saying b/c they lived it and finally had the epiphany that being the shy sweet guy who writes poems b/c he can’t actually just overcome his shyness is not the guy that women want or rather  isn’t what most or all women desire. MEN ARE FINALLY REALIZING THIS despite the BS women keep feeding you.

 We are really not trying to be disrespectful, but as someone who FREQUENTLY visits Game blogs and PUA sites, I hear and see all the things that "shy" men go through in the dating arena and a lot of it stems from the MISINFORMATION women give men – that this kind of stuff is attractive when  it’s not.

I believe your heart as with most shy guys is in the right place – but please understand we are just trying to be honest b/c it is frustrating as a woman to constantly hear men say “I am too shy to approach a woman I find attractive”. .

Awww Josh. Obviously the posters don't know you but I feel their hearts are in the right place. Just like tough love. Not easy to swallow.

You know there's so much talk about empowerment in these parts and when we get to situations like this we have to address it the same way. Shyness, especially the debilitating type is an antithesis of being empowered. It might be cute to a degree but in the grand scheme of things it may not take you far.  It may be rooted in inept social skills, experience  or poor self-esteem/a bunch of negative self-talk (who know's really?) BUT it's good to admit whatever the cause is and work on that.

I agree. And we have more discussions on here focusing on the aspects of IR dating that BW need to work on than the other way around. It has to work both ways for it to be successful. Pointing out the obvious isn't being mean, its trying to be helpful for future reference.

Actually, I find it doesn't even matter if her being black had nothing to do with it.  The point is, not seizing the moment in the right environment (a social event, not a funeral) IS disappointing.  I would have had the same opinion whether it was a WM/BM/whatever that it happened to.  My stating/agreeing with the fact that it is disappointing isn't "judging and playing on stereotypes".

If it wasn't a case of no balls @ the right moment, you're certainly free to explain yourself instead of coming in defensive after you put your story out here.

OMG I love them and thier energy - they have real chemistry and are a gorgeous couple! And yes Kudos to him for being bold. he even busted her chops a bit about her shirt being on backwards - fellas if you can show a woman you are not afraid to bust her chops  and joke a bit, you are in there like swimwear.

 Neecy I agree with you. I've dated across the board and see a difference between dating black women and white women.

I prefer dating black women (no surprise). It's refreshing. You can be direct and assertive without being called an a-hole (which happens to me a lot, no surprise). When I met my future wife, I walked up to her, told her I thought she was cute and would like to take her out some time, gave her a business card, and now we're a happy family. Boom, no problems. She didn't think it was creepy or sleazy because she was used to the direct approach from black men (many of whom were not exactly polite). When it comes to black women, men can't sit around and wait to get noticed. The woman is the prize, and we must compete for her attention, time, and affection. And no man regardless of the color of the woman, should wait for her to approach. It's our place to take the risk of looking like a fool. Our egos need to be tough enough to take it, and no woman should be expected to take that position.

The white dating game, for me, was frustrating. There's an entire book of unwritten rules. Flirting is done through coded messages. Communication is analyzed for subtext. It's uncouth to do things the "wrong" way, even though "wrong" is never really defined. Spontaneity has to be planned an executed correctly. I could go on for a while. Keep in mind that all this is through a compilation of women, and not all of these will apply to every white person, but there are enough for me to go black and not go back. I'm not saying that white dating is ridiculous; I'm just saying that I never really understood it. Maybe someone else can explain it.

The reason my wife and I have such a strong marriage is because we still do things the black way. Our communication is still direct. There are no games and hidden messages. We've tackled every problem that has come our way because we didn't have to worry about the "right" way or "wrong" way but instead could focus on doing whatever it took to get where we need to be. 

This poem was cute, I suppose. I'll just say I hope the guy learned from this. If he was too afraid to talk to her, then what else will he be afraid of if it really hits the fan?

I'll close this off with a confession: this site has become a guilty pleasure for me. It's the most feminine thing I do and my friends would give me hell if they knew, but you guys are great. I enjoy reading your comments as much as I do the articles. I appreciate what you do.

HEY VTHEWRITER!!

Thanks for a male perspective on this and THANK YOU for confirming the reality. If WHite men and Black women are going to grow in terms of relationships White men have to simply understand our communication preferences to have better success - and that is? APPROACH and stop being fraidy cats! LOL.

Black women in general tend to be more direct in various ways and kind of expect the same just simply based on the culture we come from as you pointed out.

I *DO* understand why White men typically are a bit more resevred and shy when approaching women b/c in their cultures/communities it is expected that the men do not be so forward. Also b/c of feminism and how White men have been the most affected socialy by it, it stands to reason many simply are not very comfortable with taking the reigns when it comes to approaching women.

but still even knowing this, no one really cares at the end of the day. If a man cannot go after a woman he really wants I see him as less of a man or someone who just doesn't have balls - to simply be blunt.

I also agree that the social ques for dating/mating vary a bit in White culture where more subliminal forms of communicatoin are used. But WM interested in Black women should know we prefer more direct (respectful) forms of communication. And you are SO SPOT ON about being open, direct and honest in your relaitons with Black women. Also, BW (unlike many White women) tend not to be passive-aggressive  so we don't want that from our partners either.

I am not saying Black women expect the same kind of aggressiveness we receive with Black men, but there is a happy medium where a man can simply be polite and still approach a woman respectfully to know he has an intertest.

We need more White guys like you to speak up BTW! And congrats on your boldness and ability to go after a woman who you have ultimatey been able to share your life with - that's awesome!!!

Veronique,

You are being honest which is something most women in these kidns of situations AREN'T. i feel women do men a disservice by lying and saying how this stuff is romatic and sweet. A man should never supplicate or pine or write poems, lteers, emails about or to a woman he has never approached and certainly doesn't know - FOR HIS OWN PROTECTION.

WOmen play passive-aggressive games and will smile nad say how "sweet" that is and be the first to go behind his back and talk about how much of a "creepy" person this guy is. But the women like us who are being honest and saying "not a good look" look like the bad person when really we are actually trying to lemd some feedback on the frustrations of hearing a men keep saying they are too shyt to step up too the plate. Don't tell women that! Are you crazy! Keep it to yourself and work on it and we'd be none the wiser.

I think Josh's heart (as with most shy guys) is always in the right place, but they need to understand the truth and not be upset when they hear it. If he goes to a Game blog full of men who were *once* the shy guy and/or who are trying to overcome it (because they realize all the lies women have been feeding to them about how we just "looove poems and sensitive men who cater to us") he'd realize we are being a lot nicer than some of the men would be.

Jeff, I would hope more shy guys do what they need to do to overcome this. I feel there are a lot of good shy men who are going to miss out b/c of this. Its just simply going to be rough for shy men out there b/c most (not all) women don't  find male shyness really attractive.

I understand though why more White men are afflicted with this shyness than maybe other groups. Feminism and the  way White men have been raised. But its time to let go of this and realize that the men who are going to get what they want in the dating/mating arena for the most part are't going to be the shy ones.

GOOD LUCK out there!

 tracyreneejones It makes things interesting. Shows that you have a life. Makes me sad when women won't leave a cheating man because it kind of shows that they don't have a life of their own. 

 Patricia Kayden lol yup :)

 Patricia Kayden Exactly!!! LOL!

 Brice Cameron *DEAD*

 Brice Cameron  They should man up!