Five Reasons You’re NOT Ready to Swirl

Thousands of people come to this site every day. Some are curious about interracial relationships. Some are already happily swirled, others are hoping to get there. Then there’s the reader who’s not just a fence-sitter, she’s got a whole post up her ass. She’s who I’m talking to in this entry. The post-up-her-ass reader might be frustrated with her current dating situation, but is conflicted about interracial dating because she’s so deeply entrenched in what it MEANS to BE a black woman, with it’s crippling demands of her allegiance that every move she makes to cross the color line is met with her tripping and falling on her face because she insists in getting in her own way. Here’s five reasons why.

Reason #1

You’re biding your time until your Ideal Black Man/Black Kang comes along.

This woman has grown tired of painting her girlfriend’s toenails at the big-girl sleepovers every Friday night–you know, the ones she keeps having with her single and lonely friends to feel less single and lonely?  This chick stumbled on Beyond Black & White whilst googling “Black Love” porn and got here by mistake. She’s intrigued by the idea of dating a rainbeau in hopes to gain the attention of territorial black men who will, she hopes, she prays, will suddenly see the light and realize how wonderful and beautiful she is and immediately prostrate themselves at her feet, begging for another chance. She’ll drop the white/brown/yellow/red guy upon the first whiff of interest from the man/men she REALLY wants and will leave the nice guy who thought she was lovely/charming/attractive enough to pursue.

Reason #2

You want a white guy who hates white people as much as you do.

You want your rainbeau to basically self-flagellate every time you feel like ragging on white people. He’d better agree that every white man (except him) is racist and is hell-bent on the complete annihilation of the black race. If pet shopping, you’ll rip his balls off if he likes the white puppy more than the black puppy. And when it comes to the ills/problems/challenges in the black community, he is not allowed to have a negative opinion, because after all, everyone knows his people are responsible for everything bad that happens in the black community.

Reason #3

You’re a racism bloodhound.

The rainbeau who dates the racism bloodhound must measure every word and police his thoughts so as to not raise the hackles of this angry woman who will chew a dude’s gonads like a Trident bonus pack.

Just like a bloodhound, she wakes up every morning and sniffs for any hint of racism in every look in the eyes, facial twitch, perceived slight, comment, and written word. She is expert in deducing overt and covert racism and eats, drinks and breathes the air of the oppressed. This woman probably majored in African Studies. Just kidding.

Reason #4

You still care too much what the GAT-DL thinks about you.

The Guardians of All Things Dark and Lovely (GAT-DL) have you wrapped around their pinky fingers by some strings, pulling you this way and that like expert puppet masters. You may truly love your rainbeau, but any whiff of disapproval by the people you’re working so desperately to please throws you into panic and terror at the thought of being excommunicated from the GAT-DL. You’re willing to sacrifice your own happiness just for a pat on the head from people who would sooner see you die alone with 100 cats before you find five minute of happiness with a rainbeau. But you won’t complain. You’ll just fall in line like a good little sister soldier.

Reason #5

You think one person should be responsible for the collective.

You are unable to see people as individuals. You look at a white guy and see a racist, klan member, snobby elite, slave master, oppressor. Some random nut shoots up a school and you say to your guy, “Why do you folks always shoot up schools?” News of a sexual harassment case at a rural Wal*Mart and you might say, “You people are always exerting your power on the defenseless!!” Affirmative Action is challenged in the courts and you’re asking your guy why his people refuse to give your people a break at a better life.

But don’t let that the shoe go on the other foot. Because I’d bet you’d flip your lid if your rainbeau asked why black folks don’t read, have a bunch of out-of-wedlock babies, have a seething hatred of their women, and kill each other for sport.

Just saying. If you recognize yourself in any of the above, you just might NOT be ready for swirling.

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The Man Myth