Romancing an Introvert: Striking Up a Conversation

Another introverted/shy girl here! I'm not sure why I am just now noticing this post. I can definitely relate. It can really make things a little more challenging in the area of dating.

From the advice here, the way to tell if  a guy is just shy vs. not interested is that he will give little signals if he is interested (eye contact, smile, eventually he may find the courage to strike up small talk). My crush avoids eye contacts and therefore doesn't smile at me, so things don't look too hopeful for me:/

I'm an INTx and I have huge issues with connecting with people. I often was called a snob growing up by black girls and didn't quite fit in with white girls either. It's hard to find a date and when I do I either don't like them or they don't like me. I have a hard time in the real world work environment because I'm very sensitive to criticism, I don't trust people and obviously I don't talk to them. I find my managers or colleagues will always try to take advantage of me. It's hard being a introverted black woman!

Im certain that this article was written about me. LOL

I took this test a long time ago, but I forgot my results..I'll have to take it again...dangit! lol

My experience as an Introvert is basically described above. I've take the test and they all say I'm INFJ.

Being raised in the suburbs did not help me come out of my shell, they could never box me in just one category. What helped was great conversations that weren't mindless small talk, but something insightful about the person always captured my attention. Even now in my early 20's I can see this will be an uphill battle when it comes to dating, but hey nothing wrong with a challenge.

I'm am an INTJ, which is supposed to be rare for women. Around 1% of women are INTJs.

Lol, I'm INFJ tooo!!!!!

; )

Majorly so. I wonder if there are many black female INFJs.

I would say I'm somewhat awkward but I do well in one-on-one conversation. I'm with an INFP and I think both being introverts made it easier for us to communicate because we both understood that facet of personality.

I am an INFJ as well...and had NO basic social skills until I started working at my current job @ age 21 (which includes front desk work...And friends- forget it. I'm not really good @ chatting with strangers (though with people I know well/am comfortable with, I can talk to them until I am blue in the face). It wasn't until I neared 30 that I gathered up a really good, diverse, social circle of buddies. 

However, as I got older, I found myself becoming extroverted and willing to go out, socialize and meet new people (even if it meant getting liquored up to calm my nerves). 

"But although it can be a hurdle, striking up conversations with introverts means no small talk.  So you’re walking straight into “What is your passion?” territory.  Interest in meaningful conversations welcomes introverts to be themselves and welcomes you into their world.  We aren’t trying to avoid you, we’re just trying to figure you out by observing you.  It builds a strong friendship, which opens the door for a beautiful relationship."

******

I completely agree with this! I am definitely introverted and have been since I was a kid and very, very shy, unless I was in my comfort zone of intellectualism/academics. Today, as an adult, I hate meaningless small talk, like at professional happy hours, etc. I don't mind public speaking as long as I've had a chance to prepare but I am a terrible off the cuff speaker. I prefer to sit back and observe and then offer my ideas or opinions. I am contemplating a different career path and so I just have to learn to "work a room," there's no way around it. 

Anyway, when it comes to dating, what works best for me isn't anything that is going to help numbers wise. I like vetting guys before I even talk to them, whereas I have a friend who is adamant that I start hitting up all the bars with her to meet as many guys as possible and then go from there. That is extremely uncomfortable for me on so many levels and I've never met a good guy that way. I don't know what to do and online dating is equally bad in my area. Because I am quiet and reserved, extremely extroverted guys have always gone after me because I was seen as a challenge to attain, and also would not compete with them for the limelight. At this point, I'd have to vet the hell out of an extroverted, gregarious guy to ensure some of the flaws I encountered previously were not present.

I'm an INTJ; Mr. PVW is an ISTJ.  So we are both on the intraverted spectrum; we get along well, but I like to go out more than he does.  It is funny, I drag him along, and he can be pleasantly surprised, but he is good-natured about it--I just tease him about his reluctance. 

I think I have cultivated a more extraverted persona over the years, purely by necessity.  I might have been quiet and intraverted, but I liked extraverted activities, ie., dancing and finding people to do things with, ie., museums and art exhibits, so I had to get out the house.  Also, too, one needs to have an ability to socialize, as it is so much part of our culture.  The key, though, is I limit it.  I have small social circles where I socialize a lot, I go out into larger social circles on occasion, but I know when the social demands are too great.

This is especially the case because I am a teacher, like Earth Jeff.  My faculty is set up in the fashion that would make an intravert smile:  we see on a regular basis only those in our various wings of office suites, so at most I might see 4-5 colleagues during the course of a day, but I might see others in the halls or if I go into the cafeteria.  Full body faculty meetings are only once month.  There is an occasional holiday party or reception.

However, in what might be a horror for other intraverts, I have approximately 100 students per semester, I manage well enough.   I see my classroom time as a performance; I have to prepare to put on a show a few days a week, and for a few weeks at a time.  But I enjoy my downtime when I don't have to go in, and I control my interactions with the students by not going in when I don't have to.  I have office hours that I set aside, and I am likely to answer questions over the internet.

During exam time, no one sees me; I tell people who happen to run into me, that "I'm here, but not here, nobody has seen me!"

You will laugh at this.  Tuesday was an exam day for one group.  I have two teaching assistants.  On the last day of class a few weeks ago, I told them the teaching assistants would hold a review session; I'd already held my own.  Some said, "oh, but we would love to have you hold another one." 

I  told them I would hold office hours instead....while I was thinking "oh hell to the no," 89 students with some serious anxieties, worrying like crazy; they would hound me to death in a review session!  And here is the thing, they know a lot more than they thin;k their last minute anxieties stem from them having some spur of the moment panic attack over something their friend might have said in a study group.  In addition, they inevitably ask me questions they can easily answer themselves by opening the textbook.

So what did I do?  Early in the day, I sat at home and sent the office secretary my office hours sign up sheet.  During the midst of the review session, I sent an email to the students telling them I was going to be in for office hours in the afternoon--stop by.  I showed up just in time for the office hours---I had a chat with a colleague then migrated over to my office.  There was no way I as going to show up a minute before 2pm.

Only one student showed up in the two hours I was there.  Wonderful!  A few others sent emails.  At the close of office hours, I left for the day, feeling quite relaxed and stress free.

Now I know the stress will return in January, when they get their grades...Time to get ready in figuring out how to minimize their anxieties....Like I have always done--give the assistant the exams with model answers for them to look at...while I make myself scarce.  Only after they have seen their exams and gone over the model answers will I meet with them and answer questions.  Hmmmm....

Awesome article.

"Do any of you, ladies or gentlemen, identify as an introvert?  If so, how do you work through it?"

I've had to take the myers-briggs for work twice, the first time getting INFP, the second getting INFJ.  Both times I was listed as "distinctively" introverted.  I show all the markers for introversion.  I'm quite introspective, and I need alone time to recharge my batteries after social outing. But, I've never been shy. Meeting people is fairly easy for me, and I enjoy social situations.  But, where I'm fine interacting with strangers and acquaintances, apparently becoming my actual friend after the initial introductions is like trying to walk through a brick wall. According to my friends/ romantic interests and their experiences befriending me, most of them have had to doggedly pursue the relationship before I started picking up the slack. 

Learning that was hard to come to terms with, because I feel so much love for everyone in my social circle.  I have so much fun with them and there's really nothing I would not do for any of them.  But it wasn't until it became a running joke among my friends that it was like they were in some kind of exclusive club that I realized there was a problem. It was mortifying, because it made me wonder how many possible relationships I had alienated by being distant. It also made me worry that my genuine friendliness was coming off as phony or disinterested since I've clearly been putting up a subconscious barrier to new people.

SInce it's been brought to my attention, I've been mindful of it,.  I'm still not an open door, nor will I ever be, but I do make a point to think about inviting others to places or events that I would normally attend on my own without thought (which is pretty much everywhere).  And I've stopped brushing of overt friendliness of acquaintances as... well, just friendliness, and really try to work out if that person is trying to bridge the gap between acquaintanceship and friendship, since I obviously don't recognize it right away.

As an INTJ, I really don't like when people try to paint introverts as "socially awkward", because if you ask me a lot of extroverts are socially awkward. So what I don't talk loudly and make friends with every person when I enter a room? Growing up with an extremely extroverted parent made me realize very quickly that wasn't for me. As an introvert, I am confident in myself, I am assertive, I am still a nerd ( and damn well proud of it) and I enjoy my alone time.I just have a different set of social needs than extroverts do. I learned to embrace that and hopefully whoever I date will also look at it as a positive.

Noooo !!! I can't find another introvert . ALLL of my exes have been loud extroverts and my desire for solitude and not always feeling like hanging around their friends have caused many of break ups . It's hard to explain that introverts are not shy . We just really need time alone . But my me time is often mistaken for I wanna see other ppl or causes a relapse of insecurities from past relationships . That is why I always say I want a man who enjoys to read ! It symbolizes the ability to find comfort and peace within ones own mind .

I'm an INTJ or ISTJ.  Ladies, please be aware of a guy that is an introvert and a guy that is plain not interested. LOL.  Would have saved me a lot of time if I got the hint.

Best match for me is ESFP or ESTP.

Growing up, I was painfully introverted.  I still am to an extent, but my teaching career has helped me break out of that box somewhat.  Having to get up in front of 35 people 7 times a day can be daunting and I have learned to become more comfortable with it.  Still, getting up in front of a group of teenagers is different than getting up in front of a group of adults.  I never was interested in the whole process of dating... just wanted to find someone compatible, settle, and be done with it.  I dont like parties, going out with a group, etc.  I still avoid that.  Bee is very introverted as well, so it fits.  We would both much rather snuggle on the couch and watch a movie than go to a club or anywhere with a group.

I've tested consistently at INTJ (Introversion, Intuitive, Thinking, Judging) for the past 11 years. As a child, I was extremely shy. You would never hear me say more than 2 words in class. Teachers never had problems from me. Only after boot camp in the Army did I climb a bit out of my shell and now only in my late 20's until now in my early 30's have I been a bit more outgoing. With all that I plan to do in the near future, I'm still petrified at speaking in front of people...but this is something I have to get over if I want my organizations to progress.

I'm an awkward, introverted white guy and my girlfriend is an awkward, introverted black girl.  We're both like you, extroverted when comfortable or socially lubricated (alcohol).  One of the funniest parts of our relationship is that we're super quiet around other people, but when it's just she and I, we don't shut up.  We can't even get a quarter of the way through a movie without completely ignoring it and talking about God-knows-what; which is crazy because normally we're both highly annoyed by people that talk through movies.

We both hate small talk with other people, and people that are loud just come off as obnoxious and annoying. 

I think in the realm of friends, it's better for me to have extroverted close friends and I seem to get along much better with those types of people.  When it comes to romance, however, I don't think that's the case.  Remember, you're spending ALL of your time with your boyfriend/girlfriend and I think the relationship would be strained by so much difference in the "energy-gathering" needs of two different personality types.

They say opposites attract, but we're so similar, it's eerie.  And we like it that way.

As a child I was extremely shy, to the point where I didn't speak unless I was spoken to. Going to school didn't help because I was always the only black kid in my grade. When I got to middle school there were other black students, but I was still a very shy person. Of course that shyness was seen as snobbiness. Performing in choirs in middle school and high school made me a little less shy, but for the most part I lived a very solitary life.

Attending college 1,000 miles away from home helped with the shyness. Although I'll never be the life of the party, I've learned to put myself out there. Despite talking more now than I did when I was younger, I usually won't say anything unless I really have something to say. Most people that know me are aware of that, so when I talk people listen. Kinda like EF Hutton ;-). That's a reference that you younger folks won't get, hahaha!!! I still live somewhat of a solitary life, and I'm okay with that. Anyone that I'm with will have to understand that I need my space. Yes, I'll spend time with you, but I won't be stuck to you like glue.

Me to a T(for the most part)I'm ISTJ *gasp* and it's super hard for me to make new  friends let alone someone I want as a SO.

I'm shy(although I hate it) and extremely awkward lol.

I've had to do presentations but  those were like walking through hell to me.

I've yet to overcome it and it's frustrating.

That little picture I was like "OMG yes!!"  haha.

For other introverts  do you handle small talk well?  Do you try to start small talk?

I hate small talk and come off as ice queen or not interested but it's just that I'm no good at it,try as I might.

Thanks for writing this article.  You and I sound like the same exact person.  I actually wrote an article similar to this subject on my blog about solitude.  I relish in it!  I am DEFINITELY and introvert and there was a time, that I tried to pretend to be an extrovert by foolishly drinking myself into a downward spiral just to make friends.  Thanks for posting this, because I think many black women out there need to know that there are many of us introverted shy awkward black girls out there, that prefer to spend our Friday nights reading a good book or watching a program on the Discovery channel, rather than free before 11 at the club. 

I was a painfully shy introvert until the age of 22 when I put myself into a position where I had to "ride or die" so to speak.  When I told my parents I was joining the Navy and going to Officers Candidate School, they looked at me, speechless.  They my mother said (bless her heart, she was being brutally honest here), "There's no way you will make it.  You don't have the personality for that.  You took your GRE.  Just go to graduate school."  My dad was, secretly, proud because I was trying to follow in his footsteps but he also agreed with my mother.  Joining the Navy was like throwing myself into a knife fight and hoping for the best.  Somehow, though, I knew I could do it.  I was put to the test many times and each time, I passed, I became less and less introverted.  I wouldn't recommend this method to everyone but it sure worked for me.  Nowadays, most people are stunned to learn of my introverted past but my high school comrades will attest to it.  I was a N-E-R-D of the first order.  Sometimes, my introverted past comes up in small ways but, for the most part, I've moved on.  My husband is an introvert but can be very outgoing when he has to be (at work).  He's not as social as I am but once he gets to know people, he's very open.  Funnily enough, he got into the military for the same reason I did.

Do you know me?  I feel like you've been sneaking around and taking notes on my awkwardness.  I'm very much an INFJ but once I've bonded with you, you can't shut me up.  I've been accused of acting or being white so much you'd think my skin would be porcelain by now.  

My partner is a weird intro/extrovert hybrid.  If you see him in crowd he's loud and gregarious but if you listen closely there is not much substance, just a few quips for the show but he's an introvert when it comes to things that are truly important.  I'm sure he's an ENFP but can't remember.  The reason we are together is that even though he's extrovert, he approached me as an introvert, just standing or sitting in my general vicinity, speaking or waving and then leaving it at that.  I think it was the third or fourth time I saw him before we had an actual conversation.  That was over 12 years ago.  I guess his patience was rewarded.

I am an extremely introverted person, and dating is just plain daunting at times.  I am also quite shy and quiet, so it is very easy for me to get "shut out"/pushed aside by other women in the flirtation/dating game(it sucks when it does happen).  Some guys think it is "stuck up" or lack of interest, others think it is mysterious and sexy.

Good article.

Small talk - I've always thought it's a waste of precious time - go big or go away i.e. either bring a meaningful and insightful conversation to the table or risk a glazed over look with monosyllabic responses.  Talking for the sake of talking? wasted energy.

I am reserved and quiet - not shy which confounds my extroverted friends who demand my company and when I agree, they drag me to events with large crowds of people but are perplexed when I selectively mingle or prefer to study the crowd (unless of course there is a dance floor and dance music). I like their company (my extrovert friends that is) because (besides my affinity for each of them) I pick up social cues that on my own I do not or would not bother with, I learn some extrovert (and thereby survival) tactics. My extrovert friends are okay in controlled doses.

I learned early in life to be comfortable with my introversion and I am not bothered by people who try to box me or peg me and unless it is positively strategic on my part, they fail woefully. Those who are interested in understanding me, I indulge them - those who aren't, note the "they fail woefully". 

I try to strike a balance in my interactions with people because I understand there are billions of people on this planet and there is a plethora of personalities so there are situations wherein I exhibit extrovert tendencies