Stop Wasting Time (and Precious Eggs) on Noncommittal Partners!

One man's perspective:

Most women who are complaining here go "Baby and Marriage" crazy when the reach their late 20's early 30's and they still are not married.

Reality Check - The personals in sites like 'Craig's List' are full of divorced and single mothers who are looking for the perfect guy, family man, great job, blue eyes, 5'11" or taller and "oh by the way" she has two or more kids from a previous marriage that somehow didn't work out.

Why are these women so desparate to marry and then so quick to 'chuck the guy' once one or two children come? Families are split forever, children are denied fathers, and men's lives are ruined... Yet it's these woman who complain about 'wasting their best years' on men who won't marry them.

Why the rush to get married ladies? How is it you are going to suddenly change in the next few years that most if not all men will find you undesirable? Are you telling men that this is the truth?

This is interesting - I've seen other posts like this, and I agree with everything that's been said.

However, I sort of wonder what people's advice would be about the reverse. . . . .what if the guy is applying pressure and dropping little stupid hints about marriage and 'our kids'- but you're not ready?

You love the guy, and don't want to lose him, you're not ready to walk down the ailse?
Would the same apply if the genders are reversed?

Would the GUY then be justified in breaking it off with the woman, after say, about two years?

I'm just wondering about that . . . . .I know it's hard to find good men out there.

What an awesome advice to any woman who thinks she can change a man's mind or believe about marriage....more specifically about marrying her. Of course there are few exceptions (like high school or college sweethearts who've only been together and finally getting married after financially settling or buying their brand new home together). But general standards and other social studies/stats have shown long term dating or even worse, living together does not lead to marriage....and if they marry....those who live together are more likely to divorce.

ps. I have stupid story for you guys that just shows how far America has yet to go:

http://www.thepoliticalcarnival.net/2010/09/walmar...

quote: "At the Walmart in Montrose, Storm Warning, by hugely popular white pastor Billy Graham, can be found in the religion section. But Life Overflowing, by hugely popular black pastor T.D. Jakes, is in the black section, along with Dungy and Obama and Sister Souljah and Adrienne Byrd and all those other people whom Walmart believes are pretty much the same."

crazy eh, other stores that aren't real bookstores like Target also do it. The difference is there is one little table for certain black authors in most book stores, but I've never seen or heard of a whole list of authors divided by their skin color. The issue here is, white authors are left on what is termed 'mainstream' headings, while black authors despite the genre are delegated into 'colored' corner.

I remember on Indigo and Chapter in Canada, the store tried the 'black authors' sections, but did not delegating all black authors just in one location. It pissed ppl off and they had to remove it.

http://roslynholcomb.wordpress.com/2008/10/21/free...

You know, this is the god's truth. If a man really wants to marry you, he will. He will make it plain clear and uncomplicated. There won't be any ifs ands or buts... no delays, no excuses. I mentioned in the comments how I broke off an enagement with a Choctaw man. We lived together for 3 years. I was still young back then (wistful sigh) and he knew I wanted to get married. He agreed that we would wed, but then I started seeing some reluctance on his part. So I dropped the topic. The relationship deteriorated, so I packed my stuff and moved across the country, cut off the relationship. So many women in my position would have been bending over backwards trying to get him to marry them... more sex, more cooking, more skinning and grinning. That's how you find yourself with an OOW child and a man who treats you like you owe him something, even though he pretty much ruined your life. No ma'am. I left his tail alone. To my knowledge he STILL isn't married, all these years later. But even if he had married the next chick, I still would have made the right decision by leaving, because he didn't want to marry ME.

@Eugenia -

I am in complete agreement with you regarding this statement:

"When a man wants to marry you, he wants to get you down the aisle asap."

This has also been my experience. When men make up their mind that they want to do something, they want to get it done ASAP. As far as I'm concerned, a three-year engagement signals to me a guy that is still trying to decide something.

And as you get older, you should know enough about life and people to be able to make up your mind even more quickly. I know almost immediately when a guy is not right for me, and I'm assuming the same thing is happening on that side of the divide. Is it so unreasonable to believe that some alacrity is called for when both of you are saying, "this is a match"?

I know people are wary of making the wrong decision, or making a hasty decision, but, really, a five-year relationship with no marriage? A ten-year relationship with no marriage?

The only way I can see that being okay is if both the man and the woman emphatically agree, right up front, that they don't want to ever be married. If that's not the case, and one of the parties is in that relationship because they feel they're working towards an eventual legal marriage, then, IMO, a couple (as in two) of years should be more than enough to seal the deal. If that doesn't happen, it's time to cut your losses and move on. I nkow that seems awfully harsh, but I've seen friends of mine keep saying, "I'll just give him a little more time", inertia sets in, and suddenly, four or five years have gone by.

The kicker is when she finally cuts him loose, and then this same guy meets some girl, conducts a whirlwind romance, and is married within six months of meeting the new woman!

I've had a couple of friends CRUSHED like that. Then, its, "It's not that he didn't want to get married. He just didn't want to get married to me." Now, we're talking about heartbreak, AND, the bonus, of getting your self-esteeem destroyed.

Great post...truer words have not been spoken. It's so important for women to know what they want and be willing to wait for exactly that and not settle for less than. Paradoxically, when we settle we usually get even less than what we settled for. I also agree that as women we need to stop giving "it" away in the hopes some man might reciprocate. often times he won't. When I say "it" I mean all of our youth, love, sex, talents, etc. on men who really don't want us. If a commited relationship/marriage is what a woman wants where there is mutual love, respect, trust and care then that's exactly what she should focus her energy on getting.

I was never a woman that wanted a baby and I'm kind of glad I didn't have one with my ex-husband, I'd be stuck with him forever ugh but that's another story. But I did decide that with my current sweetie I wanted to be married again and yes he started talking about marriage about 6 or 7 months into the relationship and wasn't shy about it. Eleven months into the relationship he asked me to marry him and next summer a little over a year we're getting married. When a man wants to marry you, he wants to get you down the aisle asap. My personal thought is that if he makes you wait more than 2 years to get married after an engagement, he's not intending on marrying you and long engagements just means someone doesn't really want to commit. I've seen women who had 1o and 12 year engagements and I thought 'oh goodness, you're a fool' I know it's harsh but it's true. Now they are complaining because they waited for someone who really didn't want to commit and now they are about to be beyond reasonable childbearing age. I'm not saying that women should force men down the aisle, don't do that, I went down the aisle with someone who didn't want to be married and my marriage was rife with resentment on both sides. But if you see the signals, catch a clue, don't ignore them and do as the expert says, take your life and just leave and find someone who does want to commit, you're worth it.