“Strong Women Are Attractive,” Says Michael Fassbender

I am feminine.  I am strong.  I have nothing to prove to anyone who has a problem with either, on the street or in the blogsphere.  I am already an acquired taste for most men, and the ones who have it like strong, feminine women already.  My point has always been (especially to the odd man who tried to "check" me by saying I was too strong/independent i.e. not feminine):  If you were man enough for me, you wouldn't think so.  If a guy thinks I am too <fill in the blank> and not <blank> enough it's his problem.  For years now, I have only dated men who accept me for who I am from the get go.  They have to have a base level of confidence and masculinity that can not only handle strength and independence in a woman, but enough intelligence to actually seek out those traits in potential mates.  Before I realized what the problem was (I was choosing the to date the wrong type of guy), I thought I was "too strong." It took choosing one who could handle me to realize my previous mistakes.

In my view, women have to believe that they are acceptable as they are, which ironically produces the confidence that attracts the right men in the first place without changing a thing.  That's not to say that a particular woman can't or shouldn't make changes in order to get certain results.  To me it's that the desire for change should come from within first, not to be more acceptable to a man.

I see nothing wrong with being feminine. As I was being socialized to be feminine myself. But someone women are just not feminine, and they shouldn't have to be.

Yes, yes, YES!  Preach Jamila!  The first thing a man can say to make me head for the hills is something negative about an independent or strong womban.  Why would you want a dependent womban unless it was your aim to exploit that?

"Be yourself. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. And then find a man who likes you for the woman you are and the woman you are trying to be."

This is the bottom line.

I have been reading and following a lot of the femininity blogs for a little while now, and there are some that I will forever keep in my bookmarks, and some that I immediately threw away.

The few that I ultimately passed over emphasized blending in, and I got an impression that they encouraged blending in almost to the point of sameness.  These ones tended to focus almost exclusively on outward appearances--whether those included dress style, hair style, or even the way a woman should sound and speak.  I have nothing against information like that, but I feel that such a focus only scratches the surface.

The ones that have influenced me greatly are those that demonstrate that femininity can lead to strength and freedom.  These ones resonated with me because they said that getting into touch with the traits that are traditionally considered feminine can be freeing because you are reconnecting with parts that society has taught you to ignore.  For example, I am a logical, rational person...but I am also an emotional person.  I can be "hard" and aggressive, but I can also be "soft." Unfortunately, I have felt discouraged from expressing the feminine traits because they are considered inferior by society (I was always told that "crying doesn't solve anything"), or because I fear that I will be hurt by expressing those traits (e.g. street harassment, sexual assault). From what I have seen, many black women can relate to feeling the need to reject or abandon their feminine side.

The second set of blogs did focus on outward appearances to an extent, but mostly in the sense that taking care of yourself can be a sign that you love and care about yourself enough to do this.  That may not be true for everyone, but for me it rang true. There was a time when I did not have the confidence to wear makeup or dress nicely, simply because I convinced myself that I was unattractive anyway.  So there was no point in even bothering.  Now that I am beginning to feel good on the inside, I want to take care of my outside by eating right, exercising, wearing cute clothes, etc.

Anyway, your piece was a good analysis...I do hope people find balance and stay true to themselves. You can "refine" yourself without fitting into a cookie-cutter mold.

Jamila -- that last sentence struck a chord with me on the deepest level. It's something I've needed to hear, and something that I've been working on. I've been hearing a lot of great advice here, and from friends who are also coming into their own with the dating and mating game, as well as relationships. I can honestly say the changes I am making in myself have had a positive effect on who I've been attracting (though I haven't snagged one yet!) -- it's made me feel better about myself, and that I'm on the path to finding that one, whoever he may be. 

Thanks for this. 

I love that femininity blogs like thefemininewoman and theartofbeingfeminine explain this because people really do have it twisted. Being feminine in no way means being weak and being a doormat. It's being strong in a different way. Not 'strong black woman' about to snatch you weave out in a fancy restaurant or taking the whole load by yourself. Being strong is not allowing yourself to be a victim rather being a survivor. I have been called a 'strong woman' before because of all that I have been through and I don't roll over and die, I DO cry, but crying is a lot different that killing yourself. 

Being strong in a feminine way is something that is not common today. Dumb woman thing that being strong is having a fat and punching women and carrying your own groceries. Shame. 

Oooooooooh, my.  The eye closed and the eye open shots require me to get a church fan, cause chile those shots are haaaaaawwwwwwt.

(You are so on point, Jamila).

I prefer being a strong woman, Lady style.

WWND. What would Nandi do. Just take strength from the powerful women in my culture working and pulling the strings from behind the scenes. No need to be bullish manish that don't suit women anyway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZ7Y1fdFwzg

(I just love that song, plus husband say I kinda looks like the actress. Pixie like lol)

"However it is important to note that being a strong woman and being a feminine woman are not antithetical."

THANK YOU! UGH. I am all about embracing my femininity and being a lady. But that has nothing to do with being weak. 

Strong is often misused when directed at black women, a term used to encourage suffering abuse in silence and being a good pack mule. Being able to carry people as far as possible without complaining before you drop dead.

That's not strength, that's just sad.

There are many kinds of strength, and being a woman does not make you inherently weak.

The opposite of strong isn't feminine.  The opposite of strong is weak.  I never hear guys say, "I want a weak woman."  Guys who do want weak women are insecure and weak themselves.