So I was watching CNN–which I’m doing a lot these days because with All My Children and One Life to Live cancelled, I really don’t have many other options for daytime TV viewing. And Soledad tells me there’s a new test that psychologists have developed to identify whether or not your manager is a sociopath, psychopath, or some horrid mishmash of both. Then I start talking back to Soledad, trying to explain that even if there is a test to identify whether you boss has no soul, I doubt the corporations who make fistfuls of money will actually impose manadory testing in the human resources department prior to hiring of these demons.
What’s a workplace psycho look like? “They lie without remorse, steal credit for accomplishments and are adroit at transferring blame for their mistakes, psychologists said. Psychopaths are more likely to have shallow, short-term sexual relationships — often in the workplace — and are easily bored. They are prone to take risks without concern for the ramifications,” says the CNN report.
My encounter with a sociopath boss was enough to make me never, ever, eva, neva want to work for a corporation again. To this day, I still feel some bubbling up anger about my experience with the worst boss I ever had, who publicly humiliated me, sabotaged my projects and deliberately damaged me credibility with clients. And you know what? When I mentioned my plight to the bosses, they just nobbed and gestured, patted me on the head and did NO-THING, and do you know why? She was making them M.O.N.E.Y. She stayed secure in her position as she wreaked havoc upon a parade of account executives whom she skewered with full blessing from the uppers. One of these days, Carrie G., we shall meet again, and I will tell you EXACTLY what I think of you, you little snot.
Ah. That was cathartic. Maybe I don’t even need to confront her anymore.
If you have a psycho boss, here’s a few tips that I’ve learned since the disaster:
–Never confront her (I say her, because in my case, it’s always a her), because if you do, the angels from Hell will rain upon you in a blazing haze of fireballs.
–Don’t share your woes with your coworkers or low-level employees. The corporatee sociopath employs minions who report back to her for head-pats and kibbles.
–Keep a record, but don’t tell anybody that you’re keeping a record, otherwise virtual locusts may enter your hard drive and eat away any trace of evidence against the debbil in the corner office
–Don’t expect human resources to save you. They won’t. As long as that piece of bat guano you have for a boss makes the company money, virtually all offense (aside from public beheadings in the lunchroom) will be forgiven.
–Don’t cry. EVER. I mean it. Sociopaths LOVE to see you cry. It’s like their life essence.
–Quit your job. Then become your own boss, make your own success, and when you have just about enough, go back to Carrie G., uh…I mean, the boss from Hades, offer them a job in an at-will state, and fire them for shytes and giggles.
I need to add one more thing here: If suddenly you can't do anything right, and you start getting hauled in to the conference room repeatedly, or colleagues start looking at you funny, do yourself a favor and quit. Your psycho boss is trying to fire you and once the decision has been made for you to go, you will go. They will find something: I had my workload tripled, was disciplined for things that happened when I had taken a day off, was denied requests for vacation repeatedly, and had my email and internet cache searched. Standard procedure to fire an employee is to do it early in the day and early in the week; barring that fire them just before they walk out the door at 5:00 PM on Friday. I got fired at 2:15 PM on a Thursday afternoon. I ended up leaving a still-hot cup of coffee and a big pile of work on my desk. At the door the psycho boss demanded I turn over my work photo ID. The company never issued photo ID to employees, and when I pointed this out he said "YOU DON'T HAVE PHOTO ID?". A few months later I had found another job and when I realized how I had been so mistreated I called him up and asked him why he had it out for me. I got a call from the head of security of the parent company. My former boss was terrified I'd show up at my former workplace and assault him.
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