The Racial Switch-A-Roo: What One BB&W Girl Learned from an Informal Online Dating Experiment

A lot has been said, and I appreciate hearing the perspective of so many black females.  Not much I can add to that discussion.  But I can add my limited perspective. 

For me, one thing is certain.  White men and black woman both “know” there is a large percentage of the “other sex” that will reject being in a white  man / black woman  relationship.   This is our mutual problem. 

It is not just the fear of rejection (which , I agree, men need to get over), it is also a matter of time.  I, for one, do not have the time to approach 20 black women to find out that 19 have no interest in dating a white guy.  I just don’t.   

So, what needs to be done?  Both men and women have to get better at “putting it out there”---  that they are interested and/or willing to consider a multi-racial relationship.  Depending on the site, I guess this can be done online.  And, maybe, the “false multi-racial listing experiment” (that started this whole discussion) might simply be seen as one way of communicating a willingness to explore a relationship with the other (listed) races.  (It could also be seen several other ways – but that has been discussed.)

Now, is lying the best way to communicate a willingness to consider a multi-racial relationship? Probably not, but I do not Judge.        

What better ways might exist?  Let’s see, advice to men from this man’s perspective.

1.  Flirt with black women --- just for the fun of it.   Even if she is not interested, other black women may notice you are showing an interest in women of color.    

2. Become friends with black women --- Just for the fun of it.  Even if she is not interested, other women may notice you are showing an interest in women of color.   

3. Show up at events and join groups that include black women.  (then refer back to items 1 and 2.)

[Repeat as necessary.]

Now, advice to women --- from a white guy’s perspective.

1.  Flirt with white men  --- just for the fun of it.    While I agree men “should” approach, I am twenty times more likely to approach a black female if she makes eye contact and smiles.  (This is real, I went up and introduced myself to a group of 7 black women because one of them smiled and made eye contact with me.  There were other black women in the room, but I did not have “time” to meet everyone.)         

2. Become friends with white men  --- Just for the fun of it.  Even if he is not interested, other men may notice you are open to this possibility.   

3. Show up at events and join groups that include white men.  (then refer back to items 1 and 2.)

[Repeat as necessary.]

Everyone has the opportunity to help break down the barriers to IRR.  Just do what you can.       

To the results of the experiment: not surprised. At all. To many people are so caught up in "mixedness = specialness". It is even disturbing.

Anyway, I'd rather really check no box. I hate how online dating puts the highlight on superficial factors like race, career, size, etc. Sometimes I feel like it takes away the holisitic factor of irl dating -- you see a person and you see them as a person, not as a list of "traits".

KINGSDAUGHTER - I'm responding to your response on my feminine wiles comment. Love the reaction btw. 

I agree with you 100%. All I'm saying is a man has to know you exist in the first place in order to know whether or not he's likes you. I really don't consider exposing these men to black women they may be interested in some kind of extraordinary measure. *Familiarity breeds likeness.* That is the most simple basis of attraction... of psychology really. 

We are not talking about just two people... or at least I'm not. I'm talking about the grand scheme of things. If many black women did this, these men would see more and more black women in these results. They may think, hmm, these women are pretty attractive, I think I'll look at this women's profile. I think I'll send this other woman a message. Then the next time they hang out with their buddies, they're like, dude I've been talking to all these gorgeous black women online and I'm really enjoying myself. And buddy is like, I dunno man, black women are xyz... And they're like, no man, the one I'm talking to are great. So then buddy goes to his profile and changes his preference so he can see more black women in his searches. And now you've got a chain started.

Do I know this for certain that these things can happen? No ... But do I know that this absolutely can not happen? The answer for that is also *no.* You guys may want to say it's a slim possibility, but there's no way you can say that there's no possibility at all. 

I'm a writer and an very imaginative person. For me at least, this is not over thinking. This is just how my brain works. And I believe that all the things that black women are doing are working in favor of garnering us a more positive image, which will in term make more men attracted to us. Our blogs, our youtube channels, our travel, our mingling in different crowds. And that this tactic could just be another one of them. 

I don't see it much different from in real life. If a black woman moves to an area where there are more non-black men in hopes that she meets someone (obvious that probably wouldn't be the only reason she's doing it, but that's neither here nor there). Is that also too extraordinary of a measure for trying to meet men of her taste? It's not as if those men are going to move to her area in order to meet her, or women like her, even if the man has no preference or is interested in black women. I don't see how all of a sudden these men online have become vapid color struck racists, when we don't know what's in the hearts and minds of any of the non black men when we first meet them, regardless of the medium.

We have no idea when we meet a man in real life whether or not he has an online dating profile that does not have black women selected in his preferences. But if that man approaches us and we are equally interested, we could move forward in trying to get to know him. No?

Also, we don't know if in the midst of doing all these tactics online, maybe a man who does have no preference or black woman preference will be the one to stumble upon a black woman's profile, find it interesting and make contact and then as they say, the rest is history.

All I'm doing is believing in the possibility of positivity. If that's wrong... then I really don't know what to tell you. 

BRENDA SAID:

No, no,no,no.  Don't laugh at that.  Many men work for and have business connections with WW.  Further WM have social connections  over and above dating and the dating preference of a non-white woman can and does affect things like employment, promotions, whether you get the contract on not. etc. Case in point.   My husband was fired from a job just after our engagement was posted in the news papers. His boss was a WW as were his co-workers. 

NEECY SAID:

UGH I just don't understand some people. But the end result - your hubby was a straight up soldier who did not bail on you when the isht hot the fan!  It seems that there are many WM that can lose out by dating or openly admitting their attraction to Black women..But there are still some SOLDIERS out there who say to hell with what anyone thinks about what i like. They're out there and THESE are the types of White men Black women should be seeking. Not the ones who weren't even checking for her in the first place. Let's give our time, love and efforts to the ones like that and not the ones we gotta "FORCE" to see us.

Interesting to hear about the experiment. 

HOWEVER

In my opinion, for a black woman who is not VISIBLY mixed to list several other races would not be very fruitful. Even if you pop up in the search engine, if you're still black in your photo, you still won't be pursued by a man who CHOSE not to check the black box in the first place. The man already decided he does not want a black women. Besides, I hate to stereotype but the online dating crowd of white men aren't usually the ones best suited for IR relationships anyways. Usually guys who seek online dating (usually, not always) are not very confident and outgoing in real lfe and don't have the social skill to attract women in their environment. For some white people without backbone, IR dating is an impossible task. It is a hard journey from being accepted and left alone almost everywhere to running the risk of receiving stares and comments and sometimes poor treatment. 

The fact that listing other races (on a profile that will clearly show your photo) would even be debatable is saddening.

Make some black women who are experiencing all these difficulties need to back off for a while. Now, if being in a loving relationship is truly your dream I am not telling you to give up on that, just saying you have to learn when to get off of the struggle bus and just let things work themselves out. Online dating already seems like an extreme in my book but conveniently being "extra descriptive" about mere drops of other types of DNA in your bloodstream just seems so desperate and out of whack. Some times if one way (ie online dating) isn't working its good to step back for a while. Sometimes when we stop trying so hard good things can happen on their own. 

And my finally tid-bit: why on earth would a black woman go out of her way to attract men who wouldn't check the black box? He obviously already decided that simply an african heritage already rules out a girls ability to be a potential mate......why bother?

Kia (the author of this blog post not to be mixed up with Kia the commentator) For the record I did receive responses prior to this experiment but I'm also not big on online dating. Most of my dates are men I met in real life through social settings or friends. This is a fantastic discussion and I appreciate everyone's feedback. The bottom line is that women need to have self respect and not get caught up in who may not prefer you. I date men who prefer me as a quirky Black chick full of life. Some folks are over analyzing the issue. How one carries themselves and how they feel dictates the type of mate you will attract.

India-Jewel in an article on xojane brought up a similar issue as this article:

"

2) Men Aren't Really Honest With Themselves, Are They?

I'm always amused by men who've listed themselves as "looking for a woman from age 18 to 99." iMean.com! Either you're a greedy opportunist looking to rake in all the hoes -- age be damned -- or you're not being as honest on your profile as I am. I've specified that I'm interested in meeting men aged 30 to 40 of any race, height, weight, and body type, as I'm open to meeting men in that age range. With that said, I will admit that I'm a little bit apprehensive of men who have ticked every race box except Black/African, yet they still take the time to reach out to me. ...."

http://www.xojane.com/sex/the-great-online-dating-debate-week-four-the-revelations-keep-coming

Personally, if I were doing online dating, I would only check the black/African-American box because I feel that this is the category that best represents who I am. As has already been mentioned, most blacks have some degree of non-black ancestry, but I don't see any point in trying to claim Native American ancestry when various NA tribes/organizations have made it repeatedly clear that they do not claim blacks (even the blacks they kept as slaves or having traceable ancestry to their nation) as being part of their group. Also, I don't want to claim some white ancestry so that I can take credit for what may have been nothing more than some random white man raping one of my grandmothers. 

I think that if a woman has ancestry that she can trace and that she regularly claims even offline,  then go ahead and claim it online. 

There are a couple of problems I have with checking every box to game the search results and then waiting to tell a guy once he contacts you that you are not actually what you claim to be...

1) You have already begun your first interaction with this person by using dishonesty. Is that really the foundation you want to build your relation on, a base of a little lie? 

2) If a guy wasn't bold enough to check off the "black box" in his results, why would he be any more open about walking around town with a black girl on his arm or taking one to a friends' wedding?

3) If a non-black guy approaches you because he thinks you are mixed and then he later finds out differently some seeds of deep-seated cognitive dissonance may be planted that only erupt later. Yeah, he may say he is OK with the fact that you are not mixed, and then he may continue to talk to you because he doesn't want you to think he is racist for not wanting to talk to you after learning that you aren't so exotic. He may be uncomfortable with your little lie for some time but never say anything directly about it before he eventually stops taking your calls or finds another way to sabotage the relationship. 

Honesty is the best policy. 

Moderator's Note. 

livefyre is a great tool to have these interactive conversations with each other but there are limitations.  Especially when we go to over 300 comments. 

Kia is right.  If you want to continue please post your comment up top.  If need be copy and past the comment your are responding to along with atribution in your comment and we can continue from there.

Thank-you.

One time I was working with this Hispanic guy who was interested in dating me. He thought we had some kind of connection because we both have Native American ancestry. At the time, I could not confirm or deny that I had Native American ancestry, but he was convinced I did. I can now confirm I have no Native American ancestry. My point is that people can make themselves see something that is not there. I wonder how that man would treat me now if he knew that I was only part white (he didn't particularly like white people). Anyway, I had no interest in dating him.

Ok so i got some interesting responses from White men and if anyone is interested in reading them they can go to my site. Someone posted a comment to me (i can't find it here)  and she made a point I had not considered. And then I read this comment by a WHite guy who did not respond on my site but responded at the site where I asked some to come and reply. he said:

" Being part-black rather than all-black may be a factor. Not just for blacks; I think half-Asian half-white girls are on average much more attractive than pure Asians, who usually don’t appeal to me at all.It may be biological to prefer women who are at least somewhat like us rather than completely alien, but that’s how it goes."

This is not somehitng I actually considered that may be at play, but i htik this is the jist of it. interresting.

Slightly off topic but did anyone else have a great night's sleep after leaving here? I think I tuckered myself out with all this talking. XD

Sorry for the typos! Ugh

Some of the conclusions being drawn here are entirely unwarranted given the evidence. The fact remains that if a man sees pictures of a women who can clearly be called Black and reaches out to her, by definition he can't be accused of only wanting "exotic" Black women unless one can demonstrate that the same man willfully ignored Black women he came across in his search. The reason why is because this man would have to think that a regular looking Black woman is exotic because of the label she choose rather than how she actually looks. I'm sorry, that is a borderline irrational conclusion. If claimed heritage makes one exotic and therefore acceptable, one ought to simply conclude that this man likes "regular Black" women too and is accepting of such women checking multiple boxes. We do not actually know what he thinks is "exotic," but now we know that what he may think is "attractive" is a Black woman who doesn't have to look like Mariah Carey to get his attention. Whatever an individual Black women reads into this scenario, the thing I cannot personally comprehend is why a self-actualized Black woman interested in an IRR would care to malign the identity choices another woman makes. It does not matter what you personally agree with or accept. There are no rules for us to follow here. I thought the point was to be free to make our own rules. There is no need to worry about my choices or my strategies. The concern about my sense of self-worth based on what boxes I check are misplaced. Personally I think this concern and attempt to police the self-identity of another person is a classic Blackistan tactic. I'm not having it...not for myself and not for any children I might have in the future who ought to be able to decide for themselves in a free damned country.

I honestly understand both sides but main reason why I don't see much of a problem with this is, just because more men respond to a profile that is racially ambiguous does not mean we have to respond to them. If it seems pretty clear off the bat that a man is only interested in a black woman's exoticism, and it makes the woman uncomfortable that man can easily be dismissed. The benefit of the doubt should be given only to those who can grasp the concept of this strategy. Not only that, these men have to be vetted regardless of how you become aware of the woman. Especially with online dating, women, black women should be taking special care to not rush things and to know as much as possible about the man before moving forward to something more serious. If at any moment there is a question of he man's true intentions, then that man gets no more attention. That seems more than obvious to me. 

The idea that a woman has to put in absolutely no effort into building a relationship with a man is absolutely ludicrous and misguided. A relationship takes two. Even if the man is wooing and the woman is vetting, both people have to put in a substantial amount of effort from the beginning in order to have the relationship work. 

Maybe a non black man never has considered dating a black woman before, but once he sees one that he's interested in he would pursue her because he's interested in *her* not the fact that he's black or whatever. Having been given the opportunity to approach this woman and learn more about her so he takes that chance because he likes what he sees. I honestly would not encourage faking an admixture or grasping onto the races of far distant relatives in order to appeal to someone who may not like you as is. The way I see it is if a black woman selects all race options on a  profile, it effectively omits any telling of what her true race is. She will have to explain herself regardless. If the man sees something wrong with what she did, again, end of interaction, no love lost, on to the next.

I've noticed something very interesting about this discussion that I've been hesitating whether or not I should point out, because I sincerely do not want to be rude or offend anyone… but I've  noticed from the responses that the women that have no problem with the dating website strategy are largely the ones in relationships, and the women who oppose are mostly single. I think the most simple explanation for this is that those of us in relationships are viewing this as we are because we are not the ones who have to decide to execute this tactic and deal with its ramifications. This explanation is not full proof, but I think it's the most immediate conclusion.

Personally, if I were single and were to use this tactic on an online dating site, what I would do is select all the racial choices. As I said, I believe doing this negates any out right admission of back ground. Then what I would do is explain my back ground in my personal description of my profile exactly how I identify, as a black woman of Nigerian and Guyanese decent. I do know of distant white ancestors in my family but don't count them toward my immediate make up. If a man decides to respond to me, he has undoubtedly seen my photo *and* read my profile to have a basic idea of what type of woman he is dealing with. 

If I decide to respond the vetting process begins, and I can also clarify whatever needs to be if that comes up. If at any moment either of us is not comfortable with how things are going up until an an official relationship is established, both parties are free to go with no love lost. 

I'll say again, does the fact that a man selected 5'7' and above as his height preference before meeting his 5'3" wife mean that he was prejudice against short people? It most absolutely does not. That's why I don't understand this immediate conclusion that *all* of these men are color struck and prejudice against black women. That's a sad and unfair generalization. It's not as if white men cannot be color struck as well, but I feel they will most likely be color struck for different reasons than black men. The way I see it is a color stuck white man is probably going to be more color struck by a black woman's blackness than by any perceived mix. Just like Leona's post about the one very rich and handsome man who couldn't wait for her to put the "jungle booty" on him after just a few dates. A white man could similarly expect a mixed race woman to put the same "jungle booty" on him because of the black in her make up and not be focused on her non black make up at all. Especially if her black make up is more obvious than not. 

I have no idea how this became about kissing white mens asses as opposed to being smart and aware of different options in the realm of putting yourself out there. Honestly, I simply thought, with knowing the state of black women in this realm that more exposure would be step in the right direction of building a more positive image.